Broken Hallelujahs
by Tallulah Grammar Songstress
Summary: COMPLETE. AU. Neither Raito nor Near's victory went as planned. Now the task force and the SPK are on the run with Kira's notebook, and all the power of the new world against them. Het and slash.
1. Flight

(A/N - A few points: spoilers for Chapter 25 onwards, but also AU in that I've made changes to how things went down after Takada got involved. These changes aren't because I hate any of the characters involved, I promise! The characters mentioned in this chapter are the ones who the story will be focusing on (apart from L, him being dead and all) and I've written the entire thing, so there will be an ending posted in time. Reviews welcome!

I don't own any of the characters or concepts in this. Gevanni's backstory is courtesy of lycoris on LiveJournal, who kindly let me borrow it.)

1 - Flight

Up until now, Raito was sure he was awake. He could smell the over-washed sheets of the hospital bed, and hear bleeping, and voices and the words made sense (but not too much sense, not enough to actually be his own thoughts speaking to him). And the _pain. _He'd always thought he had quite a high pain threshold - but torn ligaments in an over-intense tennis game, Sayu accidentally slamming his fingers in the door, even Ryuzaki's foot in his face, none of them had been like _this - _constant presence, this awareness that this is what pain really is, in its purest form -

It is still there, crawling through his fingers and up his wrist, but he suspects he may have passed out, because even though he has his eyes closed, L is standing by the bed, stooped over him, long white finger to mouth. Raito sets his teeth so that L can't see how much he hurts, and tries to snap _What do you want? _ He gets the words out, but his voice shakes.

_This isn't how I expected things to turn out, _Ryuzaki answers, or perhaps has already answered. _I thought that Near and Mello would be able to bring things to a close. _

Raito tries to make himself smile, but the pain is like a whip cracking against his face. _Why? They were inferior to you. It was boring without you, Ryuzaki. What did you think was going to happen?_

A shrug. _I thought that things would end either with you defeated, your allies neutralised, and the notebook out of your possession - or the deaths of everyone who knew of it and knew that you are Kira. It seems to me, Raito-kun, that things are as much out of your control as mine now._

_You're dead. I'm just -_ he can't say _hurt, _tears block the back of his throat. _I'll be in perfect control as soon as that's - _

_Really? _L scrambles onto the bed, sinks into a crouch - Raito notes that he can't feel anyone's heels pressing against his legs. _Allow me to list the finer points of my conclusion. _

_If you must. _Raito would yell at him to shut up if that wouldn't make it obvious how much agony he's in.

_Mello kidnaps Kiyomi Takada, _L says, and as he bites on his thumb Raito closes his eyes and the shrieks of the crowd, the bullet-ridden red car, and the silence of his phone rise up around him. He was stupid to trust Takada. Oh, she'd had a piece of the notebook on her, but - _Mello found it, _she whimpers, her big eyes locked on his, her hand clutching his shirt sleeve. _I tried to convince him I was too embarrassed to - to strip in front of him, but that __**bastard**__**- **_swearing just to convince him how traumatic this was for her, how much her dignity and her pride were wronged - _made me do it anyway. _There was a fight. Takada makes it sound as if she bravely held Mello off for long enough to destroy the paper - _I couldn't let him get hold of it - I knew what he'd do to you - _but Raito doubts it was anything worth praising. If the stupid bitch had had her wits about her she would have _written down the name - _

_And then none of this would have happened, _L says, conversationally. _Although Takada-san did try to take control of the vehicle - _

_Crashed the damn thing - _

_Set fire to it to make sure Mello was dead. _A smile. _You don't seem very grateful to her._

_Because she was __**stupid!**_

_I think that she saved your life, Raito-kun._

Another day. Rain, the cars ssshing through puddles. That damn warehouse, damp concrete. Raito can see all of his enemies standing there in the dim light, waiting, and he wants to scream with the urge to sit up and choke the life out of all of them with his bare hands. Mikami's white, sickly face as he learnt the truth, how his caution and care to pre-empt his god's will had doomed them both. _I told him to make no unnecessary moves! Takada hadn't even confirmed the death of her kidnapper! What the hell was he thinking? _

_He knows what he did, _L says. _That's why he tried to suicide. A pen to the throat... very appropriate for someone acting as Kira, don't you think? _Raito ignores the jibe, remembers the gargling scream from behind him, the voices yelling Mikami's name. At least Mikami is aware of his failure. _At least he tried to atone. Takada will never admit she's less than perfect. All she ever thinks about is herself and her image. _

Ryuzaki doesn't answer this time. Raito's willing to bet he knows why. It didn't _all _go L's way. Mikami ruined everything, but then for once Takada's interference worked in Raito's favour.

_A little late to prevent Matsuda-san taking matters into his own hands, though, wasn't it? _L says, and Raito can _feel _it, the bullet smacking the pen out of his grip and then - the pain hadn't gone away, that was it, it had spread over his hand, red and sticky and - Raito was patient, he tried to reason with the idiot, tried to explain whose side he should be on - and then -

_I think that she saved your life, _L says again, but his voice is fainter now, as if Raito is listening to him through water. Trust Ryuzaki to wander off just when he's most needed. He probably _knows - _how when Matsuda stared Raito in the face, when he saw that Raito wasn't going to be put off doing what was right, he started firing the gun again, blindly, but even as he did, other shots tore through the building because Takada had sent her lackeys, those men in black suits and sunglasses, to keep watch on the warehouse. As if Kira needed a bodyguard, a _babysitter. _And Raito fled, bleeding, from the building to her car, and she looked at him like she wanted his _gratitude, _and everything hurt -

_I told her not to interfere!_

_But she didn't listen, did she, _L says, shifting a little to maintain his crouch. _Interesting. _

The only useful thing to arise from the whole enterprise was that they gunned down Near. Raito knows. He looked back as he ran out of the door and saw the white figure already lying in a pool of blood, the red-spattered mask next to him. Perhaps that's why L has turned away from him. Perhaps that will make him stop talking.

But just as he thinks that, his predecessor's voice, right by his ear, says, _people are beginning to act unpredictably, Raito-kun. I wonder how much the new world will have changed by the time you wake up. _The water is very deep now. Raito tries to fight it, but it drags him down to the depths, and he leaves L and the pain on the surface.

ooo

The sun's set. Matsuda feels like he's been waiting for it to do so for hours. Ever since they walked out of that warehouse he's been wanting nothing more for this day to be over. To wake up tomorrow and find that things _don't look so bad. _

He's sitting on one of the couches in the headquarters, watching NHN. For once, watching TV is actually what he's meant to be doing. Mogi and Aizawa have gone out, taken the notebook with them, said they're going to hide it and then one of them will talk to Misa-Misa, get her to stay at the hotel and (somehow) not talk to Raito if he tries to contact her. Ide's at Sachiko Yagami's house, probably not saying much at all because what can he tell her? And Matsuda can't remember where the SPK are, except that the younger guy, the one who made the fake notebook, went off to hospital with Mikami.

There's nothing on NHN: no special broadcasts, no mention of Takada. Just some documentary. Matsuda switches channels, just because he can, but it doesn't feel like getting away with anything, it doesn't feel like much at all. It's more that he wishes he could find something engrossing enough - or simply loud enough - to block out all the memories he keeps going back over.

Afterwards, he was the one who said _we should just burn the notebooks. _At that point his voice had been so hoarse he'd been surprised anyone could hear him, and he'd been praying no one would ask him to justify himself because there wasn't any _logic, _there wasn't any _plan, _it was just that if he didn't get the two black shapes out of his sight he'd end up ripping them to bits himself.

But the others had been happy with it. The woman, Lidner, had taken a book of matches from her pocket (the box had a bloody thumbprint on it - _Near brought them with him, _she'd said) and they burnt one of the notebooks and it went up so quickly, blink and you'd miss it, that Matsuda could pretend it had never been there at all.

And then the third SPK member, the one at the hospital, had called them to report that at that exact second, Mikami had seemed to forget the reasons he was in hospital. What had led up to it. What he'd been doing at Yellow Box. And they'd realised what burning the second notebook would mean.

Matsuda feels a sick, nasty tightness in his chest and for one horrible moment he thinks he might actually start crying. He turns away from the TV, stares fiercely at the sky - there's just a trace of the earlier glorious sunset in one corner, like someone started painting and got bored - and for god's sake, it's _over, _Raito is Kira and that's all there is to it, Matsuda stopped him when he tried to kill Near and then Raito didn't _listen, _just looked at Matsuda like Matsuda was the terrible one and then acted like he wasn't even there -

No one's discussed that part. The part where Matsuda loosed off one shot and then another, sending Raito stumbling and screaming, and knows full well he would have put a bullet through Raito's skull if Takada's guys hadn't interrupted. It's like everyone thinks it's too awful even to mention it. He wants to start explaining, to say _you know, about that, I just panicked, I wasn't just going to - to shoot him down in cold blood, I was trying to stop him, that's all - _

But it's not true. He knows how in his head his thoughts were just _kill him kill him like he deserves __**I hate him. **_And no matter what he does he won't be able to change that part.

He wasn't going to think about it, anyway. He was thinking about how if they'd burnt the notebook, Raito would've stopped being Kira. Probably would have been even more devastated than Matsuda is right now when they explained. He'd be so - so _sorry, _and Matsuda would be able to say _yeah, I know, it's awful - I was so mad with you I tried to kill you _and Raito would understand because he'd be just as shocked -

But they wouldn't do it.

_Takada won't care whether he can remember or not, right? _Ide, scowling. _She'll want to keep him safe because she's in love with him or whatever. If he forgets he was Kira, she'll use that, she'll present him as an innocent victim. With him acting like he was a few hours ago, that might've been tricky, but with him genuinely positive he didn't do anything? We'll be the ones who end up arrested._

_Burning it would destroy Kira completely. _That was Mogi, but he didn't sound regretful. Just thoughtful. And Ide only said _No, it means he gets away with it _and Mogi didn't say anything else, so he couldn't have been that concerned really.

And then the SPK. The older guy. _A hell of a lot of people have died for us to get this far. Yagami even tried to - to talk Near into letting him go free, right? I don't see why we need to give him what he wants._

And finally Lidner, cool and collected as always when Matsuda felt he'd never be able to collect himself again. _I agree. We can burn that thing when he's in custody._

And that was that. Aizawa was the one who decided they shouldn't hide the notebook in the headquarters - _Raito set this up, we have no idea what kind of failsafes he included - _and then they all went off to get stuff done. Matsuda kind of wants to resent them for assuming he should be the one to stay and watch NHN. He wants to be angry that they think he's an idiot. But - and this is actually scaring him - he can't feel it. Every time he tries to start getting mad, it just runs into this wall of numbness and the sensible part of his brain pointing out that he _did _act like an idiot, that he practically killed someone because he couldn't keep his temper.

He flicks the channel back to NHN. Still nothing.

Maybe there won't be anything here at all. Maybe Raito and Takada will just use the small piece Raito was trying to put Near's name on. Matsuda can't even claim that his actions were to save a life, not when Near's died anyway. If he'd been keeping a cool head, he could have returned fire when Takada's bodyguards broke in. At least stopped Raito running away. As it is, Raito did run away and he has that tiny piece of paper and maybe they'll all just suddenly drop dead, right now, him on his own in the darkened room. Another reason why Aizawa wanted to hide the notebook somewhere else. _He's got to have considered we might take that step. If we then all die, he's got no way of locating the damn thing. It will buy us time, slow him down. _

Matsuda would much rather be out on some anonymous motorway or hospital, or waiting in the Teito Hotel foyer, than sitting here in the shadows in this room which has always before had Raito in it, or Raito's voice, has always been full of bright lights and a sense that this time they're really getting close, this time they might actually pull this off. He is thinking and he doesn't want to think, thinking doesn't get you anywhere, he should have known Raito was Kira, he should have guessed, anyone smart would have guessed -

- and then he should have just been all _you're under arrest, back down, it's over, _he shouldn't have acted like - like he couldn't deal with it being true -

The door slams, and he swallows and looks round to see Aizawa, who mutters about why hasn't he put any lights on. Matsuda wants to answer, to say something like _guess I forgot, you know what I'm like with TV, _but everything's stuck in his throat again. Something about Aizawa walking back in and being grouchy just like he always is, and the lights flickering on and turning the sky outside flat black, and everything being just like this yesterday and Raito looking at them all and thinking that soon they would all be dead. Matsuda _knows _why Raito wants him dead but it still feels like he doesn't get it, like someone hates him and he has no idea why. Like there's been a _mistake._

He looks back at the TV, and Kiyomi Takada is watching him.

He doesn't think he speaks - he doesn't think he can remember how to - but all at once Aizawa is right next to him, leaning over the back of the couch, and they're both listening as she stares out at them - not angry, just disappointed - and starts to speak.

_"Lord Kira has been attacked by seven of those who rebelled against his rule. He is deeply sorrowful at this crime, and he will do no more judging until the seven have been brought to him - alive - and made to pay for their sins and return what they took from him. _

_"Kira's loyal supporters can assist by doing all in their power to track down the perpetrators. They are currently believed to be located in the Kanto Prefecture, possibly in Tokyo. Three of them are Americans - including Hal Lidner, formerly one of my bodyguards - and four are Japanese and used to work for the National Police Agency. Kira is saddened by the NPA's betrayal of his ideals, and hopes that this was a few disturbed individuals rather than a symptom of problems with the organisation as a whole. Kira would not wish to have to punish the many for the deeds of a few. _

_"I will now read the names of the sinners. If you know of their whereabouts, please call the number appearing on your screens now."_

And then she does. She just starts reading their names.

It's like another publicity stunt, like something Sakura TV would do, except that she's just - she's just saying this all on national TV and - _no photos, _he thinks, _that's good, right? _ Because they'd destroyed all the photos of themselves and - even if Raito has some, then he probably can't give them to NHN yet - he's probably too badly hurt -

"Matsuda!" Aizawa is snapping at him. "Come on - Raito knows where this place is, we need to get going -"

Matsuda stands up and then he's not sure what he's meant to be doing. What - come on, it's not like they can just be arrested by NHN, it's a _TV station, _you can't just -

"They're not police," he hears himself say, slowly and stupidly, and Aizawa kicks whatever else he was going to say right over: "Do you think that will matter if they find us? You know how many of them there are. And she said that stuff about the NPA on purpose, so that they won't interfere - quick, call Mogi and tell him to meet us -"

"Where?"

"Hell, I don't - all right, say by the old headquarters, the place Ryuzaki built - I'll call Ide -"

Matsuda pulls out his phone, tries to remember how to use it. Takada's still speaking. _"If any of the thieves are watching this broadcast, I would urge them to give themselves up -"_

"Hey," he says, "listen -"

_Kira will find them wherever they go. If they return what they've stolen and present themselves to NHN for judgement, he may be inclined to be merciful."_

"What the hell is the point of that?" Aizawa snaps. "Of course she'd offer mercy, she and Raito would love it if we actually bought into something that stupid. Stop sitting there staring at the TV and call Mogi!"

Matsuda feels like he's been kicked, but he bites at his lip and starts focusing on making the call, on explaining to Mogi what's happened, on collecting up stuff like razors and toothbrushes and changes of clothes that they happened to have here. _Don't be so stupid. He's right, they'd just kill you once they had the notebook back. _This is how everything _is _now. Raito is Kira and always was and Matsuda is his enemy. You can't change it. But he wishes he could.

ooo

Aizawa's trying to think sensibly, trying to work out where the hell he can go, what Takada's next move might be, but as he waits for Ide to answer the phone his thoughts are stuck. They should have seen this coming. Raito wants them dead. Raito has always wanted them dead. It's just they thought he'd recognise he'd lost the game. They'd bought into the mindset that this was a game at all. Or at least that there were rules in it, a clearly defined sphere of play. _I should have done something - I should have planned ahead - _

Ide's voice, suddenly. He at least doesn't waste time with stupid questions. When the situation's been explained, there's just a sharp indrawn breath and then, "Do you have time to delete the data files?"

Matsuda, on the phone to Mogi, has hurried over to the window, is looking out. "I... I can't see anyone yet -"

"I'll try," Aizawa says.

"Don't risk it if they show up. Want me to call your wife for you?"

Eriko. Eriko and the girls.

Raito wouldn't - he wouldn't _dare -_

_Of course he would, he's killed millions already, what the hell has he got to lose? _And he sees it, just for a second, then, how far the bastard might go, what he might do, and he actually thinks _she just said - she could be merciful - if it came down to it, I could - _

He can't. He _can't -_

"No," he says, "I'll do it," and hangs up.

He acts on autopilot for a bit, erasing the task force's data (not that that would stop Raito, who implemented most of these emergency procedures) and directing Matsuda, and then they're locking the door behind them and hurrying down to the car and Aizawa snaps at Matsuda to drive and finally, as they're hurrying through the darkened streets, lights rushing over them, finally he can call home. He'll have to get rid of his phone, they all will, but - he must have time for this at least - Raito can't yet be in any state to do anything and Takada... hopefully Takada won't think of it, or won't have the resources for it - not immediately, at least...

Eriko sounds tired when she answers, and then he wishes he hadn't noticed that. Right now he really doesn't want to think about her as a _person, _someone whose life is being invaded by the fucking Kira case despite all his best efforts. He needs to work on the basis that as long as Raito can't find her, she'll suffer no ill-effects at all.

"It's me," he says, flatly. "Listen. Take the girls and go somewhere else. Your mother's or something."

"What?"

"Kiyomi Takada just announced me as an enemy of Kira on live TV, all right? There wasn't a photo but I'm sure some of the neighbours will recognise my name and I want you out of the prefecture as soon as possible."

Eriko draws a shaky breath, and then says, "If - then why aren't you just - just dead?"

"Because - it's a long story. Some stuff's happened. I don't want you to know -"

"For god's sake -"

"No, don't even start! The more you know the more danger you'll be in, so just get out of the city. I mean it, Eriko!"

"Where - where will you be?"

"I don't know. Look, I'll have to get rid of my phone, you can trace... I'll try... I'll try and let you know... just go stay with someone and keep your head down. Okay? The girls - tell the school that -"

"I - I'll think of something," she says. "So you're just - listen, if - if you can call - I don't know, a - a payphone or something -"

"I know." Matsuda is glancing at him and they're almost at their destination but he says it anyway, sounding more as though he's angry than anything else, "I love you." And then he rings off because he doesn't want to hear her say it back.

"Do - do we get out?" Matsuda says.

"No. Just wait, Ide and Mogi shouldn't be too long."

The old headquarters, empty and dark at the moment, towers over them, filling the car with shadow. It was sold on and sold on and Aizawa, in his more ridiculous moments, has wondered whether it still carries a sense of the deaths, of the notebooks and of shinigami and too few people to fill it. Right now, though, he's just glad there won't be any office workers to look out or pass them on the streets, and that it is useless to him and the others except as a meeting place so perhaps Raito won't think to look there. There are more sensible places to begin searching, like their current headquarters, like their _homes_ - perhaps Takada's sent the bodyguards there already, before she made the announcement even -

Matsuda breathes out, slowly, and grips the steering wheel tighter.

"They... they just want the notebooks back, right?" he says at last. "Taki said..."

"Like hell they do. Raito wanted us dead to begin with, us and the SPK. The only reason Takada said she wanted us found alive was so he can get the notebooks off us easily. He doesn't know what we've done with them - if someone else kills us he could easily lose track of the damn things completely." He still sounds furious and he _is _furious, why the hell didn't this occur to him earlier? Why did he think Raito was going to remain in the role of the fugitive when entire countries are pledging allegiance to Kira? They could have anticipated this, could have done something, he could have warned Eriko from the beginning and made plans, meeting points - but he was too caught up in the old mindset, Near's mindset, that once Kira confessed that would be it -

"But they won't... your family don't know anything about the notebooks," Matsuda says, quietly. "They wouldn't..."

"Don't be stupid. If you don't think Raito's not going to use every opportunity he has to get the damn things back -"

"I know that! I just meant other people won't hurt them, they wouldn't need -"

"There's always some lunatic out there who thinks he's being righteously angry. Stop being so naive, why can't you?" Aizawa realises his voice is rising and he's losing his temper with Matsuda even more than he normally does, but screw that, where the hell does anyone get off telling him he doesn't need to be concerned?

Matsuda's shoulders tense, but he doesn't say anything else. Aizawa focuses on the thoughts which say _well, good, gives me a break _and ignores all the others. Stares out at the street, at the slice of sky between two buildings, and then breathes a sigh of relief as he spots Ide coming round the corner.

"Did you talk to his mother?" he asks as Ide climbs into the back seat.

"Yeah."

"And?"

Ide shrugs. "Told her that he'd been hurt and he needed to answer some questions. I didn't know how to put it. If I told her everything, she might confront him, and then he'd probably -"

"Yeah, okay." Aizawa doesn't want to think about Sachiko Yagami finding out her son is Kira. He'd visited her, once, after the Chief had died, to give condolences, to tell her it would (what?) be all right, that they'd catch the man who did it, except that he wasn't sure by then who was really to blame or whether they'd even come close to tracking him down. She'd been shut down, quiet, showing the bare minimum of politeness. She'd blamed Kira for taking her husband away, asked Aizawa to look after Raito.

"I doubt he'll go to her now," Ide says. "She'll know something's up, she'll have seen the broadcast. He'll stick with Takada." He glances out of the window. "No sign of Mogi?"

"Not yet. Matsuda, did he say whether he could leave right then?"

Silence, and he glances over at Matsuda, who's still holding the steering wheel, staring out at the road.

"Matsuda!"

"I'm not being naive," Matsuda says at last. The words are wrenched out like he's too angry to talk properly.

"Oh, for god's sake..." Aizawa wants to shake him, how can anyone be so goddamn immature?

"I know I didn't work it out about Raito like you did but you don't - you don't need to - I was just trying to _help, _you don't need to talk to me like I was so stupid -"

"You _are _being stupid."

"Shut up," Matsuda says, wheeling round to glare at him, "shut _up - _you're just mad because if - no, when someone does hurt them it'll be _your _fault and it serves you right -"

The shock that Matsuda of all people could just say that to score points is the only thing that stops Aizawa punching him and keeping on doing so. He is so _scared_ and the only way to get rid of the fear is to beat it out, this fucking _idiot _who thinks this is just about winning an argument -

But Ide has already cut in, "Matsuda, leave it." Aizawa is almost yearning for him to say something even more dumb - for there to be an excuse to lose it completely - but after a second, Matsudahunches over, not looking at either of them. Aizawa still wants to choke him, but by now he's got himself under control enough that instead he says, "I'll drive. Move it."

Matsuda stays still for a moment, but then he turns away, scrambles out of the car. Slamming the door behind him - the vehicle shakes - he walks round to the other side, climbs into the back. Aizawa stops bothering to look at him, slides across into the driver's seat.

"You speak to your wife?" Ide says at last.

"Yeah. Told her to get out of the city."

"We're doing the same, I assume?"

"They didn't have photos." Aizawa tries to think logically, to focus, but it feels as dark inside his head as it is around them. "People who can rat us out are here; people who know us."

"How far are we going to go?" Ide doesn't say _the entire country will be looking for us; _he doesn't need to.

"Don't know. I reckon we should just lay low for now. Maybe the bastard will die of his wounds."

"They won't announce that on national TV."

"Well, maybe people will start getting annoyed that Kira isn't killing anyone. Maybe they'll stop trusting his every word, or at least stop with the whole god thing."

"I wish." Ide shakes his head. "Where the hell is Mogi?"

Aizawa is thinking the same thing. He doesn't want to be sitting still in the middle of Tokyo. He doesn't want to be waiting for a call as if everything is normal. And already he's wondering if maybe Mogi isn't going to make it here, maybe Amane betrayed him, and they'll just sit and wait for him until Takada and Raito catch up with them too. It was stupid to wait at all, he and Matsuda should have fled the city as soon as they found out, but he wasn't going to ditch Ide, and - they're still a team, even if their leader's betrayed them, he couldn't just -

Matsuda's phone starts ringing. He seems unaware of it for a while, but then Ide snaps "Matsuda!" and he fumbles for it, answers: "Yeah?"

"Who is it?" Ide says, and when Matsuda mouths _Mogi _Aizawa leans over, takes the phone from him. If Mogi is in trouble, the last person he needs trying to help is Matsuda. "Mogi, it's Aizawa. Where are you?"

"I'm still at the hotel." Mogi sounds calm, but then he nearly always sounds calm. "I... I'm not going to come with you."

"What the hell are you talking about? Look, is there someone else there? Are you trapped?"

"No, it's nothing like that. It's Amane." A pause, then, "She's obviously very concerned about Raito, him also being part of the task force and... and his injury, so I've said we'll remain nearby so she can find him if he's looking for her."

Aizawa knows his brain is moving more slowly than usual because it takes him a ridiculous amount of time to work out what must be going on. Of _course _they don't want Raito to be able to contact Misa, because Misa will be happy to do whatever he wants -

"You're keeping her away from him," he says. "Right?"

"Yes."

"I hope to god you know what you're doing. Can you convince her to get out of the city at least?"

"I'll do my best. We're leaving now. I - take care."

"You too." Aizawa ends the call. "All right. He's not meeting us. He's going to keep an eye on Amane. So let's get moving." He passes Matsuda's phone back to him. "We'll get rid of our phones as soon as we can. In the meantime, keep it switched off, all right?"

"You needed him to call back," Matsuda mutters.

"That's not the point! Just keep it turned off now!"

Matsuda doesn't look at him. Aizawa turns away, starts the car.

ooo

Aizawa rings off, and, slowly, Mogi lowers his phone and closes it. He doesn't know quite what he's done, and he _really _doesn't know what to do next. All right, preventing Raito from seeking help from his devoted girlfriend is a reasonable goal, but Mogi didn't make this decision after rational analysis of the best step to take. He just found himself telling Misa that Raito was hurt, was in danger, and when he saw the way she looked, saw how desperate she was to run off and find her fiance, he -

It doesn't matter. There is no going back now, and Aizawa didn't read him the riot act so he must have sounded relatively clear-thinking. He's just going to get Misa out of Tokyo, to a safe place, and then they will lie low until the danger has lessened.

"Misa..." he begins. "We need to..."

She doesn't look at him; she's gazing out of the window, twisting the thick curtain cord round her fingers.

"I don't want to leave," she says. "Raito knew they'd brought me to the Teito Hotel." But the usual determination in her voice is muted, and even as she speaks she lets the curtains fall closed and starts absently straightening the headed notepaper and branded pens on the desk. "He told me to stay here."

"I know, but he was hurt quite badly. I don't think he'll be able to come and find you for at least another day."

"But it must be safer here than it is at home. It must, right? So why..."

Mogi waits to see if there's any more of that sentence, mainly because he isn't sure _why _himself. Misa stands by the desk, twirling strands of hair round her fingers. She looks very pale - the only light is from the desk lamp, which blazes in her eyes - and, even though her face is as stubborn as only Misa's can be, her mouth is crumpling.

"Misa-Misa is famous," she says at last, softly. "That's it, isn't it? If they're after Raito, they'll know about Misa. And Takada knows, too. People would've seen me come here. That's it, isn't it, Mochi?"

Mogi thinks he preferred the determination, even if it was directed towards the wellbeing of someone who in no way deserves it. He _isn't _trying just to make Misa miserable. He's _helping _her. He's spent a lot of time trying to make sure she doesn't get hurt, and doing it for motives she isn't aware of is nothing new.

"Misa," he says, trying to make himself sound practical, "we need to leave."

Misa is still for a second, then nods. "They might use Misa to get to Raito. We can't let that happen." The stubbornness is coming back; her hands are clenched into fists. "Okay, Mochi, let's go. Let's make like we're just going late-night shopping. I won't check out or anything." She starts scurrying round the room, packing stuff into her handbag, picking up a Muji carrier bag to put clothes in. Eventually, she straightens up, looking at him hopefully as if she needs him to say she's behaving like a good fugitive.

"That's right,"he says. "And - and we should leave our phones here. Otherwise we could be traced."

"But Raito might try to call me!"

"I know, but... it isn't safe. Besides, if - if he got caught they might make him phone you, to bring you to him -" To his own ears he sounds like an obvious liar, but Misa's flair for the dramatic has already taken over and she's nodding, "Yeah, and then they could use Misa to make Raito do what they want. Okay. Okay." She takes out her phone and places it ceremonially on the desk, then reaches for his. When she's put it down she tucks her arm into his and hurries over to the door, and even as she opens it she's talking about this cute new store that opened in Harajuku and how she can't wait and she heard they give out free perfume on the door.

He finds himself ridiculously grateful for the act. It means he doesn't have to do anything but show polite interest, which he would have done anyway. He knows that he can lie and fake when it comes down to it, but right now, when he's expecting them to be stopped any moment by men in black suits and sunglasses, or not even stopped, shot at - if he's recognised, Misa will just be someone who's allied herself with him, another enemy of Kira -

This is stupid. Nerves and playing _what if _aren't going to help the situation.

Misa squeezes his arm a little, giggles. "Don't worry. I promise I won't make you carry all the bags! Misa's strong, Misa can take care of herself."

He glances down at her, manages to nod. He's supposed to be looking after _her, _isn't he? He reminds himself that under the blonde hair and frills and giggling she's got a core of almost frightening strength, that she can cope with practically anything life throws at her. Of course she's worried about Raito, but she can deal with that - it's still better than leaving her behind either to be exploited or abandoned -

She's still talking, still keeping the lie going. Her voice is bright and loud as they hurry through the silent corridors; there's only the hum of the lights and the heating, the carpet is thick enough to muffle their footsteps. The light glints in the glass and mirrors and windows and for a moment this is five years ago and they're going to meet Ryuzaki - L - and catching Kira is something the world expects them to do. Were L here now, he would probably have managed to concoct some clever plan using Misa as bait, or have wheeled out some secret resource he'd had waiting in the wings. L would not just be running away.

He definitely wouldn't be running away with someone he thought was the second Kira.

Mogi has been trying not to think about this. About L being correct about Raito's guilt. About the thirteen-day rule being fake. About Mikami's memories vanishing when he lost his notebook. It all leads to too many questions, not least why he's assuming Misa needs or deserves protection from Kira. Thank god Aizawa didn't ask about that, because Mogi doesn't think he would have had an answer. Misa might need looking after, but the second Kira wouldn't.

He decides to stop following this line of thought. He's made a choice now, he has to stick with it. They're at the front desk now. Misa slides her key over to the receptionist without even looking, continues to chatter. Mogi wishes he weren't so tall, wishes he didn't stand out. But it doesn't really matter, does it? They're being picked up on camera anyway, and Raito would recognise any of them.

Outside in the darkness it's cold, and Misa huddles a bit closer, shivering. She goes quiet for a few moments, fumbles with the hood of her coat.

"There," she says as she pulls it up. "People won't spot me so easily now. Where - where are we going to go?"

"We should withdraw some money," he says. "Bank cards can be traced too. Then... I suppose we should find somewhere to stay." And what if they're noticed, what if Misa is recognised? He realises, sharply, what he's committed himself to; someone else to worry about in this situation. He could have managed on his own; kept a low profile, been forgettable, tolerated the boredom and the unease. But with Misa it's different -

"Okay," she's saying. "Hey. I know where we can stay."

"Where?"

"A love hotel!" she says, triumphantly.

"What?"

"It makes sense!" She prods him in the arm. "You can be anonymous, they won't ask questions, and there's loads of them about."

Mogi can feel himself blushing and he wonders if it's obvious in the streetlights. Misa looks up at him, evidently waiting for praise, and eventually he says, "I'm not sure that's... appropriate..."

Misa laughs, resting her head against his arm a moment. "Aw, Mochi, don't worry about Raito. He knows he can trust me with you, right? He was happy for you to stay with me before. And _I _trust you."

Mogi wants to try and explain that the thought of _taking her to a love hotel _makes this feel like an even worse situation than it already is, like he's lying to her and taking advantage of the chaos to get her into bed, like that he's abandoned the rest of the task force to go off with the pretty blonde. Of course there's no way he can verbalise that and it isn't like the situation will _actually _be what it looks like, so he just says, "I suppose it... does make sense. But only if -"

"I'm _fine _with it. Honestly, Mochi, this is a life-or-death situation. Come on, let's hurry before someone sees us."

The other thing he should have remembered about Misa is that it's extremely difficult to dissuade her from an idea once she's set on it. But in a way, that almost makes him feel calmer. Following her around and keeping her out of the way of the Kira case as much as possible is what he does. Perhaps he just wanted to cling to this last aspect of normal life.

ooo

Gevanni's never liked hospitals. When he was a kid, it was just that he didn't like the memories associated with them: worried parents, funny smells, sick people looking weird and you staring at them before you remembered you probably shouldn't be. Then when he got older, it was because you never have a pleasant reason to be there. He'd rather his work took him anywhere else. Hospitals try so hard to make people feel comfortable and the gap between that and what actually goes on in them makes Gevanni's teeth ache.

His sister Louise would have said that that was all crap and he was just paranoid he was going to catch something. She was good at that sort of belittling.

And he's been doing great when it comes to not thinking about her up until now. Sure, there were some times when he couldn't not, but she died just after the rest of the SPK did and he let Lidner and Rester and Near think any difference in his behaviour was due to that. He was only on this mission because of her, and he wasn't going to let his own emotions fuck it up. And there's no reason to let that slip, especially as it looks like the case is having one last gasp before it ends. The only reason he's thinking of her is because they've lost Near, because that feels like they've lost the war. He's choosing to take the horror of that death and let it bring up the memory of why he got into this case to start with.

(Is it wrong that he's almost grateful it hasn't ended? He's settled into spending his time shadowing someone through unfamiliar streets and never, ever revealing his real name. It may be frightening and dull and lonely but in his own mind it's stable at least. If - _when _he goes home, sees his parents again and Louise's kids, the one thing it won't be is _stable._)

Whatever. One last gasp, whether he wanted it or not. Even as he thinks it he can see Near struggling for breath, face glistening with sweat, staring desperately up at them as the blood pours from the chest wound, just a _kid. _Worse somehow than seeing the rest of the SPK die, or perhaps the shock of that has just lessened with time. Or maybe just that he and the others should have done something this time. Could have done something.

(Let it go.) The calm, intelligent, never-seems-bothered-by-anything part of his mind reminds him that he'll have time later to work through the shock of Near's death. He can't afford to go to pieces in front of Mikami.

He glances over at the man, who has at least stopped shouting now. When his memories went they'd been in the middle of sewing up the wound in his throat, so it hadn't been fun for anyone concerned. Now he's lying flat on his back on the hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. The strip lights flicker in his eyes. His gaze keeps moving as if he's watching spiders or flies up above him.

Gevanni's pretty sure it wasn't him who killed Louise. It would have been Yagami, right? In the warehouse he had watched Yagami and he'd tried to wrestle his mind round the concept. _He __**killed**__ my sister. He __**killed **__my __**sister.**_He thought he was managing to get it. Helped by the way Yagami had revelled in his identity as Kira, of course. With Mikami, it was different; Gevanni had always had to make sure he didn't even try out any thoughts about Louise as they applied to Mikami, because he had to act natural, unconcerned. That persists, even now. (Of course there's no point in getting mad.) There's no hatred of Mikami, just concern that someone normally so controlled, so organised, is now so untidy and twitchy and scared. He'd shouted _why am I here? What did I do? _and his wide, terrified eyes had locked on Gevanni and he'd just stared and then he'd shouted, coughing blood, _who are you? Why are you here? _and Gevanni is pretty sure that's because he was the only one who _wasn't _a stranger.

"How are you feeling?" he says, trying to sound practical rather than sympathetic.

Mikami doesn't move for a few seconds, and when he does speak, he still just stares at the ceiling.

"You've been following me for weeks," he says at last. His voice is hoarse and raspy, slowed by the wound, but it's calmer. He's gathered his thoughts.

"Yes."

_"Why?"_

"I thought that you might be connected to Kira somehow." Gevanni leans forward a little, says it as if it's the most obvious reason in the world to be tailing someone.

"That's not an explanation," Mikami says, but he's looking slightly less frightened, as if he knows that his devotion is obvious. "Besides, I... I am not. I simply want to... to serve him." He swallows, rubs at the bandages on his throat. "I don't understand why... I don't understand what's happened." His fingers clench a little, pick at the dressings. "I don't know what's _happened -_"

"I know. I know you're very confused right now." _Join the club. _It hadn't meant to be that Near would die. Near had thought everything out carefully, could anticipate everyone's moves. He'd even said, _I doubt Kira will be expecting Takada to play a vital role in the meeting. It's gone beyond that now. _And it was true. Takada hadn't played the vital role, there'd been a showdown and Near had been the one thinking fastest. It was just a stray bullet from some hired grunt had got to him after it was all over. After he should have been safe.

Mikami seems to be waiting for Gevanni to say more, but Gevanni's got no idea what he's supposed to be telling the guy. _Yeah, you killed a bunch of people and we're going to arrest you for that and lock you up without trial for the rest of your life. The guy you thought was your god screwed you over and that's why you tried to kill yourself. Oh, and I'm an FBI agent and part of the SPK and you tried to kill me earlier today. _The entire thing sounds so stupid if you're outside of it. And it's not even as though he's got Near in the background providing direction and the idea that everything makes sense in the end.

Luckily, at that moment he hears footsteps coming towards them and so he takes a deep breath, tries to calm down. A moment later the door's opened and Rester has hurried in. He's scowling and he looks tired, and Gevanni finds his stomach sinking as if it's bad news even before Rester says, "Come out of here, I need to talk to you."

Mikami glances at him as he leaves, and he gives something which is meant to be a reassuring smile but probably isn't because he doesn't feel reassuring in the least.

"The situation just got worse. Takada's trying to set the general public on us," Rester says as soon as the door closes behind them. "Our real names - and those of the task force - have been broadcast on NHN."

Gevanni can't think of anything to say other than _oh, shit. _There's a horrible feeling of falling at the idea that his real name, a secret so important that he's managed to half-convince himself it has nothing to do with him, has just been broadcast on national television, just like _that. _

"Seriously?" he says instead. Like Rester's the type to say _no, I was just messing with you. _

"I imagine Yagami managed to remember them. She also specifically said to look out for three Americans. So we need to keep our heads down. We've probably been spotted around the headquarters here, so that's out."

"Does Lidner know?"

"Sure, she was the one who called me. She said there's been no sign of Yagami on any of the official channels, so she reckons this is a distraction technique letting him get medical help without any of us causing trouble. She said she'll meet up with us later if she can." He lowers his voice. "She thinks Mello's still out there. I didn't think it was wise to pin all our hopes on that - I can't believe Takada wouldn't have written his name down as soon as she got the chance - but I suppose if anyone can find him, Lidner can." He swallows. "She's hanging onto her cell - she ditched the one Takada knows about - and I figure she's hoping she can find Mello before keeping her phone on her gets too risky. I've got rid of mine - you do the same and we can use a payphone or steal someone's if we have to."

"Right. And the task force?"

"They know. I don't know what they're doing, though." Rester glances round the corridor, which is silent right now except for the hum of the lights and the voices of two nurses at the visiting desk further down. "We need to get out of here, now. We're too conspicuous."

"What about Mikami? Yagami might try and establish contact with him..." Gevanni trails off, not sure where that point was going. He's still thinking like their main objective is to arrest Kira - well, the various Kiras - when it sounds more like it's just turned into _try not to get killed by an angry mob. _God, he wishes he was less tired.

"Will he?" Rester says. "He's got Takada now. The only reason he needed Mikami was to act as a proxy. It's _us _he'll want to track down. Us and the notebook."

"Yeah, but we lose track of Mikami now, we've let him _and_ Yagami slip through our fingers. Not to mention he's confused as hell and remembers lots of things about notebooks and warehouses without knowing why he should keep them quiet. The doctors are going to be back to ask him more questions soon -"

Rester's gaze has moved away from him, over his shoulder, and it turns resigned even as the guy says, "We've got company."

Three of the dark-suited guys from the warehouse are talking to the nurse at the desk. Even as Gevanni looks round, she's nodding, pointing towards them -

"Take Mikami and get out of here," Rester mutters. Then he's running, drawing his gun as he does so.

Which is a simpler objective than anything else that's come Gevanni's way in the last few hours, and his mind runs with it, letting go of the fear and the exhaustion and slipping into the focused, instinctual knowing that's, in an odd, speeded-up way, the same as when he's shadowing someone, or focusing on building a new model ship. He's easing the door open again, saying to Mikami, gently but with the correct undertone of urgency, "We have to go. There are some people coming to talk to us about Kira, and I don't think they're friendly."

Outside there are heavy, running footsteps. Then a shot. Screaming. Mikami's eyes widen, and he glances warily from Gevanni to the door.

"They won't be very happy when they find out you've forgotten everything," Gevanni hears himself saying (not spitefully) (spite will damage this) "Look, I'm not sticking around. If you want to know what's going on, you're going to have to come with me."

Mikami's breath catches in his throat a little. Then, swallowing, he gets to his feet. Gevanni grabs him by the arm and hurries back out into the corridor.

There's shouting, more screams - more shots. Medical staff are rushing around, slamming doors to wards, hustling patients out of the corridors. Gevanni doesn't look for Rester (don't let your hands shake) (one false move and the entire thing's ruined), he's just heading down the corridor, hand on Mikami's shoulder now. Mikami is still looking around. The disinfectant smell of the hospital has been overlaid by the smell of gunpowder. Gevanni reaches for his own gun, and when some doctor comes up to him, saying, "Please, get off this corridor -" he draws it, calmly, and says, "No, I don't think so." The man goes white, and Gevanni walks round him, guiding Mikami. The other man is shaking, and he looks like he's about to say something but as soon as they're past the doctor Gevanni grips his arm and starts to run. Behind him, the doctor is yelling for help. Behind that, there's other shouts, someone delivering orders, or possibly just insults. Gevanni listens for Rester in the commotion, but he can't hear him, and then he's through the door and running down concrete stairs, and the noise has faded away.


	2. Fear

2 - Fear

Takada usually has no issue with late nights, but the day's events are starting to take their toll on her, she realises. What she would like to do is go home, have a hot bath and try to forget the sight of Raito screaming at her when they picked him up that this was _all her fault. _She would like to forget even more how close she was to screaming back at him, _I thought you were better than this! Why don't you grow up? _It still makes her feel a little bit sick that they nearly ended up having a shouting match in front of her driver. She thought they were _both _better than that.

Of course, her apartment is still covered in Raito's blood (from the provision of first aid in case getting him to a hospital proved difficult) and the last thing he said to her before the doctors took him off was _don't you dare let me down, _so perhaps it's better that rather than home she is sitting in the car outside someone else's house and... just taking the time to collect her thoughts before she goes in.

She glances up, and meets her driver's eyes. The sunglasses hide any amusement or pity that might be felt at the sight of Lady Takada hiding in the car, too frightened to face a perfectly normal member of the general public, some housewife who, if it wasn't for who her husband was, would probably watch NHN and eat up every one of Takada's speeches. Market analysis has shown she plays relatively well with the middle-aged stay-at-home female market; they like that Kira's spokesperson is a woman and refined and not linked to anything trashy like Sakura TV. There is nothing to be _frightened _of.

She gets out of the car, slams the door, nods to the similar vehicle parked behind her. Its occupants, two more of her entourage, get out, follow her as she walks up the path. Grass is growing up in the cracks between the concrete; her heels sink in it every so often.

One of the men rings the doorbell for her. For a while, no one answers. Takada fixes her eyes on the lit windows and tries not to think about how Raito will look at her if she has to explain to him that she has fallen even at this hurdle. _I'd like to see you do any better, _she snaps at him, but when they ring the bell the third time, the door finally opens.

Takada looks into the woman's face, and, as she finds herself doing almost automatically these days, mentally links a full name to it, _Eriko Aizawa, _and wraps the knowledge round herself that, if she had to, she could eliminate this person with the flick of a pen -

- except that right now, she can't, of course, because _your stupid husband has chosen to ruin everything -_

Aizawa's wife is staring at her numbly, and the colour draining from her face makes Takada sure that she's well aware of how much trouble her husband is in. _Good. _And the fear will probably help. After all, Takada wants to convey the gravity of the situation, doesn't she?

"Aizawa-san," she says, "May we come in?"

The woman's eyes flick from her to the men flanking her to the two black cars on the driveway.

"It's not very convenient, actually," she says, swallowing. She sounds rude, aggressive, but Takada tries to be charitable and tell herself it's because of fear.

"I really do think it would be advisable if you listened to me," she says, and takes a step forward. And after a few seconds, the woman moves back, slowly, as if she can't take in what's going on.

The house is small, and smells of crumbs and fruit juice and that faintly rotten scent Takada associates with small children. It's untidy as well - toys and shoes and miscellaneous objects scattered across the floor. To be fair, the half-filled suitcases in the middle of the hall suggest that tidiness isn't one of Eriko Aizawa's priorities at the moment. Takada glances at them, making sure it's obvious, then looks back at Eriko, who's leant back against the wall, arms wrapped round herself. The woman doesn't ask what this is about. She simply watches. One of the men closes the front door behind them - the other one says to her, "Ask anyone else in the house to come down here."

"My husband's not -"

"Anyone else."

"I really would co-operate," Takada says, trying to sound concerned. "They - they're under orders from Kira, Aizawa-san. Not carrying them out isn't an option here. And... if your children did leave the house, they'd be noticed by my driver. The outcome would be the same, and everyone would have wasted valuable time."

The woman stares at her for a moment, then her hands curl into fists and she calls up the stairs, "Yumi? Will - will you come down here, please?" Her voice trembles. Takada feels a little better, hearing that Eriko is evidently so scared she can't even control her speaking tones. There is no way that this can go wrong.

One of the men starts climbing the stairs, and Eriko takes a step forward. "Please -" she says, and then she goes silent, evidently realising she has nothing she can ask for.

"It's all right," Takada says, letting her own voice stumble just a bit, kindly mirroring Eriko's fear. "I - I'm going to do my best to keep the situation under control. Your children are innocents. I understand that."

The man has reached the top of the stairs - as he does, he stops, and indicates for someone else approaching to come past him. It's a teenage girl, round-faced, in jeans and a jumper. "Mum, aren't we... why are -" She stops as she sees Takada, and her mouth falls open. The typical teenage shock that _someone on TV_ is actually in her house.

"Just - come and stand by me," Eriko says. "And don't interrupt." And although there's superficially only irritation in her voice, the girl must have picked up on something else because she huddles close to her mother, clutches her hand as if she's much younger.

"Are you able to tell me where your husband is at the moment?" Takada says, trying to speak as if she's a friend, someone concerned for Eriko's welfare. It's not easy. People like this are the type of people Kira wants to protect, and it makes her grit her teeth that they're being so stupid.

"No," the woman says, and she meets Takada's eyes now, glares at her. "I know what you said, on TV. I know that you're - you're searching for him. He called me a while ago and told me he was leaving the city. That's all I know."

Both men have gone on up the stairs now.

"Are you sure?" Takada says. "Really, if you do know anything, I would say it now. Did he not arrange any kind of meeting point with you? Any contact?" She can hear a sarcastic edge rising in her voice, and she tries to hold it back. Like Shuichi Aizawa is going to risk his neck meeting with a woman as useless as this.

"He didn't know he was going to have to _flee for his life,_" Eriko snaps. "We thought society wasn't going to fall to pieces that fast." The teenage girl takes a sharp, shaking breath, and fixes Takada with a scowl that's clearly just managing to mask terror.

From upstairs, a child starts screaming. _"I want Mum! I want my mum!"_ The sound gets closer as the two men walk back down the stairs. One of them is carrying the other daughter, who is screaming and kicking and crying, nose running, face red. Eriko marches forward as if she's going to grab the child but she doesn't quite dare, evidently. Instead she stops, glares at the man, and says, over the noise, "Put her down. You're frightening her."

"Our orders are that if we cannot find your husband, we are to take the child to another location as insurance," the man says. Takada is impressed; he sounds businesslike, sure of himself. An appropriate representative for Kira and for NHN.

"No - no, you - you can't do that!" Eriko is clearly fighting to hold back the tears; the teenage daughter snaps at Takada, "You can't just come in here and kidnap someone's kid! If you take Youko anywhere we'll - we'll call the police, okay?"

"If your husband gives himself up to NHN," the man holding the younger child says - he preserves his composure despite being assaulted by a five-year-old - "your daughter will be returned unharmed. The police will be well aware of this. Kira has to do what is necessary to protect the world."

And then he's walking towards the front door. The little girl is screaming even more now, stretching out her arms to try and reach her mother. Eriko dashes forward, but Takada quickly steps in, grabs her arm. There is no point in letting things get ugly.

"Please," she says, trying to sound concerned. (She _does _wish the child would stop crying. The sound scrapes down her hearing, hits some primal button that tells her this is _bad._) "If you know anything, please just tell me. I can get them to stop if I have information, I promise."

"I _don't know_!" Eriko is crying now, and she tries to push past Takada to where the men are carrying her daughter out to the car. "He didn't tell me anything! For god's sake, she's five years old, she's _frightened_!"

Takada suspects she's telling the truth. It isn't likely that the husband would have had any information he could have passed on; by all accounts the task force were spending every waking moment looking for Kira, and Shuichi Aizawa hadn't seen his family for weeks.

"Make them stop," Eriko gasps, clutching Takada's arm, "you're Kira's spokeswoman, you can make them bring her back -"

The two men have reached the car now. Takada watches as one of them opens the trunk and - without any ceremony or hesitation - drops the little girl inside and slams the lid on her. The cries disappear, and Takada finds herself breathing a sigh of relief. But the next second _Eriko _is screaming, she has shoved past Takada and is running forward but the car is already pulling away.

"I can only get her back if your husband gives himself up," Takada says, picking her way down the path, risking a gentle touch on the other woman's shoulder. "Look... I believe you when you say you don't know anything. I do, I promise. And I'll do whatever I can to help you. But you have to believe me when I say I've got very few options."

"She's scared of the dark." Eriko has wrapped her arms round herself - her voice chokes out in little sobs. "She still - she has a night-light. You - they've shut her up in the dark..."

"There is something you could do that might help," Takada says, letting her voice become thoughtful as if the idea has only just occurred to her. "Would - would you consider putting a message out to your husband on NHN?"

Eriko looks round at her, face blotchy and red from crying. She doesn't speak, so Takada carries on, "Explain the situation. After all - he's the one who needs to act. It can't hurt, after all - can it? Why, if you and your other daughter come with me now, we can broadcast within a few hours. Your husband's bound to be monitoring the news. If he came back, your child could be returned to you by morning."

Eriko turns away, her mouth crumpling, but she presses a hand to it and when she looks back, her face is shut down, hopeless.

"Whereas if you don't," Takada says, wondering why she has to spell out _everything, _"then there's absolutely nothing you can do to get the child back, is there?"

Eriko stares at her and she actually laughs - a damp laugh, before her smile breaks up into tears again.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" she says.

"I think it might be best. I know NHN, after all. If you work with me on this, I know we can have your child back to you as soon as possible." Ugh. One day Takada won't have to crawl and lie and fake-smile to people to get them to do what needs doing; one day they'll do it without her even having to ask. "I see you were packing. Perhaps if you just take a change of clothes, night things, you can come with me, do the broadcast, and then be provided with accommodation until things are sorted out. I... I have to say, it isn't just these people who might try to carry out, well... what they think is Kira's will."

Back in the house, the teenage girl is crying, quietly, rubbing a fist across her eyes every so often. She doesn't look at anyone else. She and her mother numbly throw a few more items into the suitcases, close them up, and, when asked, follow Takada to the car as if they can no longer comprehend doing anything else. Takada feels the tension in her stomach relax a little. She's always felt a lot better after she manages to pass tests.

ooo

It feels like they drive for hours and Ide would happily leave all the decision-making to someone else but neither Aizawa nor Matsuda have spoken since the journey began. So he makes himself say, "We should stop, find a hotel or something," and Aizawa doesn't argue, just nods, and the next time a sign shows up they turn off the road and, finally, stop driving.

Matsuda spent most of the journey dozing, head against the window; now he gets out of the car slowly, evidently still half-asleep. Huddling against it, he stares at the ground, his breath cloudy in the light from the hotel foyer. Ide can't stop glancing at him. He still can't quite believe Matsuda said something that vicious to Aizawa earlier. Matsuda always seemed never to hate anyone - hell, even when he complained about someone it was usually because they didn't like him and were making it obvious.

But then, why is it so odd? In the space of a day everything they thought they could depend on has been swept away - and even it hadn't been, it was still unpleasant to see how deep the level of Raito's deception had gone. No one likes to learn they've been lied to. Matsuda's just still reeling from it and taking time to adjust. Everyone acts like a jerk because they're tired and miserable sometimes. Aizawa's disappeared into the hotel building; Ide takes a gulp of cold air, enjoying the way it doesn't taste of car upholstery and only slightly of exhaust fumes. The world is black and yellow; it feels like they've been driving all night but above them the sky is as dark as ever. And besides, it wasn't really that long. Journeys just feel longer when no one's saying anything (what would there be to say? _How long do you think it'll be til they catch up with us? How the hell did we end up like this? What are we going to do, seriously?_)

Inside, the foyer is anonymous, grey and beige and pale purple. Faint smell of cigarettes. The desk clerk is handing over keys to Aizawa. She _acts _perfectly polite, friendly, but Ide finds himself waiting for her to scrutinise their faces, wonder who they are, why they look so tired, could they be, could they possibly be -

"I got a single and a twin," Aizawa's saying - to him only, not looking back to see if Matsuda's even there. Ide knows that it's always been Aizawa's way not to hide it if he thinks you're an idiot, but right now it pisses him off; it isn't like they're not all tired and jittery and worried about other people. Still, saying that to Aizawa will only make him even more grumpy, and Matsuda _did _act like an idiot.

The stairs are empty, completely silent except for the hum of the lights. Huge squares of night hanging on the walls and their footsteps seem too loud. Matsuda, following behind them, is moving slowly, almost stumbling a bit as if he hasn't slept in days, and so Ide says to Aizawa, "You need the rest. You take the single, I'll go in the other one with -" And the word _Matsuda _is almost on his tongue before he remembers and he's so furious at almost slipping up on something so _basic _(as if he hasn't spent the last five years searching for someone who can kill you once they know your name) that he can't think of the name on Matsuda's fake ID. Aizawa shrugs. "Whatever you want."

A low-ceilinged corridor, closed doors; numbers on the walls in more moulded grey. The fact that this place is just one of hundreds of motorway rest stops only makes it feel more like a dream, as if they aren't supposed to be here at all. Aizawa hands Ide the key, says, "We'll get off early tomorrow, all right? I'll wake you."

"Sounds good."

Aizawa unlocks the door to his own room, lets it slam shut behind him. Matsuda walks a bit closer to Ide, stands watching as the door is unlocked, trails into the room. It's small, smells of industrially-washed sheets; the plastic blind is half-down, so a square of streetlight is thrown across the ends of the two beds.

"You know, you can sit down," Ide says at last, when it seems like Matsuda isn't going to move. "This isn't my house either."

Matsuda shrugs, takes a few steps forwards, slumps onto one of the beds. Ide is tempted to simply curl up and go to sleep; if Matsuda is uncharacteristically silent isn't that a good thing? But it's not, it's irritating him, he's tired of everything being unfamiliar and he's tired of Matsuda taking everything so much to heart, and so he says, "Aizawa'll get over it. You just said something dumb, that's all."

A pause. They can still hear cars rushing by on the motorway; a footstep or two above them. Ide glances at the television in the corner; he can just make out shadows of himself and Matsuda reflected in the screen. They should probably check NHN, see if there've been any new developments. But he's tired and perhaps he just wants to kid himself he's still someone for whom staying in a hotel isn't a calculated risk.

"You knew, right?" Matsuda says at last. "You knew Raito was Kira."

Ide shrugs. "Aizawa thought he might be." He hears suddenly how sheep-like that makes him sound, and Matsuda has already laughed - a flat, sarcastic sound - and said, "Huh, you just like doing the same as him, don't you? It's nothing to do with Kira."

"That's -"

"You think he's so _great _and so _trustworthy _and he'll never do anything to hurt you, well, you only came back because of him, didn't you?" Matsuda's hunched over, digging his nails into his arms. "It's all his fault you're running away now. Why don't you stop being on his side all the time?"

"Give it a rest!" Ide snaps, and then wonders he's letting such a stupid accusation get to him. This isn't Aizawa's _fault, _and if he's clearly been doing a hell of a lot of thinking on his own and leaving Ide out of the loop, that's his business. It certainly doesn't matter now, when their enemy's given them the slip and the world hates them and there are no more super-geniuses to think up ridiculously clever plans.

Besides, Aizawa's in just as much shit as he is. It isn't like he kept Ide in the dark to save his own skin.

"If you want to talk about Raito," he says, slumping back on the bed because he's trying to show how little he cares about what Matsuda's said, "talk about Raito. If you're mad at Aizawa, talk about that. Don't mix them up."

Angry silence; then, eventually, Matsuda says, "I don't want to talk about Raito."

"Suit yourself."

"I just wanted to know if you knew."

"I didn't _know _anything. Aizawa told me a bit about what happened before I joined. I could see why he was suspicious. And besides, Near already had a way to resolve the issue, didn't he? It wasn't like we needed to do anything." Ide wonders if maybe that's not quite true, if maybe he should've turned his and Matsuda's conversations about Takada's love life towards the possibility that Raito wasn't lying just to her. But he'd thought... he'd assumed that Matsuda must have _some _inkling... or that Matsuda would be upset, sure, but not _seriously _so, it wasn't as if Matsuda and Raito were friends...

"If we didn't need to do anything," Matsuda is saying truculently, "then how come Near's dead and Raito's escaped and we're here probably going to - to get killed?"

Ide feels the fear which he's been trying to ignore hit him like an iron bar in the stomach. He swallows. "We're not... we're _not_ going to get killed." He wants to sound scornful of such a stupid suggestion, _sure, the older wiser colleague who knows everything, _but he doesn't succeed.

"He wants us dead, doesn't he? That's - there's no way out, there's no way we can do anything about this." Matsuda actually sounds pleading now, like he wants Ide to come up with some incredibly obvious overlooked solution. Ide knows he should be annoyed, but he can understand the feeling. It would be _great _if one of them figured out how to solve this.

"He wants his notebook back," he says, falling back on what's actually reality. "He can't kill us until he's managed that."

Matsuda shrugs. Ide closes his eyes for a few seconds, realises how tired he is; but he's so tired that he's gone through it and out the other side, and falling asleep is too much effort.

"What do you think he's hoping to do?" Matsuda says at last, sounding a little more like he usually does, or at any rate less angry. "I mean... he wants people to find us. Tell him where we are."

"Or drag us back to Tokyo. Yeah."

"So... so then if - when - if he finds us then he'll... he'll ask us where the notebooks are, won't he."

"I don't know," Ide says, his mind pulling away from the idea of it. The room is chilly. He sits up a little, starts taking his shoes off. _He'll ask us. _This is a stupid conversation to be having anyway. It's especially stupid when they have no idea if it'll be safe to sleep in a hotel tomorrow night. He should be getting rest while he can. He should definitely _not _be reflecting on how bad the situation already is.

"If I were him," Matsuda says, "And - and I mean, we said we weren't going to tell... which we're not... if I were him, I'd say I was going to kill all our families unless we told me."

"For god's sake, will you shut up?" Ide snaps. "You don't know what would happen if - and it's not going to anyway, so -" He sounds scared. He sounds fucking scared and he _wasn't, _he was uneasy, that was all, just concerned -

"Sorry," Matsuda says flatly.

"Get some sleep."

But when he finally tries, it's not as easy as that (of course). He'd got good at falling asleep in uncomfortable chairs or sprawled on sofas, still in work clothes, with screens glowing all round him or other people muttering or the sound of typing like rain on the roof. Sleeping in an actual bed in more-or-less silence with only one other person in the room should be luxury, but he just lies there, moving to rest on one side, then the other, the streetlight square constantly catching his eye whenever he blinks. Thoughts show up slowly, tangle round each other. At first they're basic; his mind locks onto the square of streetlight and it's there even when he closes his eyes. Light. Too bright, keeping him awake. They didn't switch the light on at all, in here, so no one will look in, which has to help, doesn't it? He knows that's stupid but he can't work out why. The streetlight doesn't move. If it were sunlight, it would, but this is just waiting. He closes his eyes and turns his face away from it. If the clerk downstairs suspects something - which there's no reason for her to, they gave her fake names, there's only three of them, there's nothing to tip her off as to who they are - just three colleagues making their way home from some business trip -

But if...

Not everyone's loyal to Kira, though, right? Or they might approve of what he's doing, but -

No. If they approve, they'll think those people they heard about on the news are criminals. If they figure it out, they'll be _scared, _they'll assume they're in the presence of people who, who condone rape and murder and violence and of _course _they'll call for help - the best-case scenario is that they'll call police, and surely not all cops can think that this is right, surely someone must have thought that maybe they'd do the same thing, were it them -

So if they figure it out, then it's most likely they'll call for help -

You'd hear someone coming along to the room, trying the door - no, they wouldn't need to, hotel staff have master keys - but you'd still hear, you'd react - and he knows it's stupid thinking like this but he can't shake the feeling that this is it, they've used up their last hand and they're walking dead men and they should _know _this and all they can do is try and outrun an enemy who doesn't really even need to pursue them.

He doesn't want to die.

There's no point in thinking like this. They've all still got their guns - and he remembers that his is still with his jacket, hanging on the back of one of the chairs, and all at once he knows he wants it to hand. Just. Just in case.

Not to mention he wants his jacket close by for another reason.

He sits up, slowly, climbs out of bed. The room's cold now. The square of streetlight still hangs there. He's just picked his jacket and gun up and is walking back to bed when he hears Matsuda shift and then a whisper, "Ide? What's happened?"

"Nothing. Sorry I woke you."

"I wasn't asleep."

Normally, Ide would just shrug, climb back into bed, shut his eyes; he has no idea what time it is but it's no time for being social. But somehow he finds himself saying, "I wasn't either."

Matsuda sort of laughs. Eventually, he says, "You reckon... you reckon our families know?"

Stupid question. "If they watch NHN, of course they do. And all the other channels will have picked up on it anyway, they'll know soon enough if they don't already."

"My dad's going to kill me," Matsuda says.

"I would've thought your _dad_ killing you is the least of your problems right now." Ide perches on the end of Matsuda's bed, wondering why he's encouraging conversation. Still, it beats thinking.

Matsuda snorts. "Still. He didn't get me a job in the NPA so I could screw it up by having to - to go on the run and be hunted down by some... some crazy serial killer."

His voice goes flat and hard on the last few words, and Ide sees the darkness and the white of the sheet shift as he rolls over to face the wall.

"Your father isn't a Kira supporter, though, right?" Ide knows that Matsuda's father is some high-up in the NPA, because some people with too much time on their hands enjoyed speculating about that being the reason for Matsuda being there at all. It always pissed Ide off. The Chief wouldn't have given someone a hand up just because of who their parents were.

"I don't know." Matsuda swallows. "When... when it all started he never gave me a hard time." Bitter now, he says, "He acted like he was actually impressed for once, you know? That I was sticking with it. He thinks I don't take things seriously."

Ide resists the temptation to say _Well, you don't, _and instead asks, "Then - what, he changed his mind about Kira?"

"When Takada was appointed... you know, and America said that stuff about not standing up to Kira and... he started having a go at me. He kept saying he thought I should quit, that I couldn't handle it any more. Like he thought I'd screw up and get the entire family into trouble."

"He -"

"I don't care," Matsuda cuts in. "He doesn't get it, he... he never got it. Not like the Chief did. He's probably feeling all smug now things have gone to hell, he likes being proved right."

Ide wants to say _I doubt that _and_ how old are you, fifteen? _but this doesn't sound like Matsuda just complaining because he's opening his mouth without engaging his brain first. It's almost like a deliberate act, like Matsuda wants to see what happens. Like with Aizawa earlier. Ide almost asks if that _is _what's going on, but then holds back. It might just be his own tiredness making him see things that aren't there.

"Your parents?" Matsuda says at last. He's slumped onto his back now, is staring at the ceiling.

"Well, my father's dead."

"Oh. I... I didn't..."

"It's -" Ide finds himself shrugging. "It was years ago." Even in the dark, in a stressful situation, talking about his family seems in some way unprofessional. Maybe because Aizawa's the only person he still knows now whom he knew then, and one of the few people he said anything more about it to than _I was at a funeral, actually. _He wouldn't have mentioned it to Matsuda at all, had they known each other at the time. Matsuda would have been clumsily sympathetic. "My mother is probably..."

"Worried?"

_Well, yes. _"She's no doubt wishing I'd taken that nice job with the Kugisawa Group when I got out of college."

"Hey, that could've backfired," Matsuda says, his voice is trembling a bit. "You could've worked your way up the ranks and then been killed by Higuchi when your company went up against Yotsuba." And then, with a veneer of casualness, "How come your mum doesn't like you working at the NPA? Was she just scared you'd get hurt or whatever?"

Ide wants to tell Matsuda that he doesn't see that it's any of the other man's business, but his colleague sounds not too far away from hysteria and that won't help anyone. So he carries on, "Yes, I think so. Partly."

"Partly?"

Feeling as if he's in a sitcom, Ide says, knowing Matsuda will pick up on it and yet almost wishing that he will, "She thinks it's harder for someone in our job to find a nice girl and settle down."

"She thinks you ought to be more romantic as well," Matsuda laughs, right on cue, but his breathing is shaky and loud and he sounds as miserable as if he too can see how desperate they are to act as they normally do. "I don't blame her."

Ide doesn't _want _Matsuda to be miserable, Matsuda's the one who never takes anything seriously, and so he says, deliberately trying to sound pompous, "It's not like I've had any _time _to be romantic recently. I've had more important things to think about." _Like not getting killed, _his mind says helpfully, but he tries to ignore it.

"Surely nothing's more important than love?"

"Hey, I haven't noticed _you _finding a girlfriend recently."

Matsuda takes a deep breath. "Yeah, but... but it's all in the approach. I keep my mind open to possibilities, right? Whereas you probably, like, never even imagine what it'd be like to be married to this or that girl."

"I can't see why I'd _want _to."

Matsuda gives him an odd sideways look, like he's taken aback by something, and it occurs to Ide that while he never particularly yearned to share a home with any female of his acquaintance, he did always tell himself that presumably, sooner or later, he would get married, when he had more time, because he always assumed he wouldn't be dead by forty. Perhaps Matsuda reads the sudden unpleasant realisation in his face, or perhaps he shares it too, because suddenly even the pretense at cheerfulness is gone.

"My - my brother got married ages ago," he carries on at last. " He and his wife have two kids already." Then, numbly, "I told Raito about it when the - the second one was born. Takuya sent me a photo of the family and I opened it at work." Sharp, quick breaths. "I told Raito all their names -"

Oh _god. _"Stop it. You didn't know. And it's not them he wants to get rid of anyway -"

"So what the _fuck _do I do if he comes on TV and he says, he says he'll kill them if we don't turn ourselves in?" Matsuda is almost shouting it. "He knows about Aizawa's wife and kids as well, doesn't he? Seriously, Ide, what the hell are we going to do? Just keeping running isn't going to help anything - he's way smarter than us, he'll find us in _days -_"

"Stop it -" and before he can think Ide has leant over, grabbed Matsuda by the shoulders - shakes him, sharply, once - "Stop, all right? Losing it like this won't help anyone!" Matsuda is warm under his hands and he's trembling, or perhaps that's Ide, because he doesn't know the answer to Matsuda's question, he has no idea how far he could go to prevent the notebook falling back into Raito's hands and there is no _way _Raito won't think of this angle sooner or later -

Matsuda gulps, gasps for breath, but he doesn't keep going with the questioning. Instead he reaches up, clutches at Ide's hand, half-like he's trying to free himself from the grip, half-like... Ide reminds himself that this may be a bad situation but he's not in the habit of manhandling colleagues, and quickly lets go. Of course there's a temptation to cling on to someone else, _anyone _else at a time like this, but he's an adult, for god's sake.

"We should be trying to sleep," he says, although he still has doubts that there'll be any success on that front. "Everything seems more difficult when you're tired." Falling back on cliches, but what else can he say?

Matsuda shrugs, doesn't answer. Ide feels a flicker of irritation then, like Matsuda has somehow manipulated him into being scared and angry and turning into the sort of person who panics enough to grab hold of the nearest human being because they can't stop thinking the worst. He is _not _panicking. And even if he was, staying up all night talking to Matsuda wouldn't help. So he gets up, climbs back into his own bed. It's cold and the sheets feel clammy. Matsuda sighs, and curls up, pulling the sheets half-over his head.

ooo

Aizawa feels like he didn't sleep a wink, but while his thoughts began with careful, measured consideration of the situation and an attempt to make sure he hadn't forgotten any important points, they ended with a memory that had never happened, of Ryuzaki explaining to him how this situation was all his fault because he had a family. And Aizawa was trying to explain that it wasn't, that normal people couldn't afford to live like Ryuzaki, closing themselves off from all human contact, but the words didn't make sense when he spoke them. And so when he woke up and realised they had to get going, he was more grateful than anything else. Lying in bed thinking was useless.

In the other room, Ide is awake, dressed already; the TV's on, and he's clearly trying to pretend it's not making him nervous. The news hasn't started yet, and the sound's off. The noise of running water echoes from the bathroom - Matsuda's late as usual. Aizawa is glad he's got a few seconds to get his head together before they greet each other. He's still furious about what Matsuda said, and even though he suspects he's angry with Matsuda because Matsuda's someone he actually can lose his temper with, knowing his motivation doesn't help much.

Suddenly the sound of the TV is back on; the news is just beginning. Takada looks as poised and pretty as she always does; Aizawa makes himself remember Raito snarling and screaming and covered in dirt and blood. Kira _can _be hurt, Kira can be knocked off-balance. These people are no less vulnerable than they themselves are, they've just got more resources -

"Good morning. This is NHN, and I'm Kira's spokesperson, Kiyomi Takada." Careful pause. "Lord Kira has joyful news to report. One of the seven criminals who betrayed him has been taken into custody -"

Aizawa hears himself curse before he can try and bite it back. If it's Mogi - why the hell did he think Amane could be trusted -

"Anthony Carter, an American and former FBI agent, was discovered at Ibaraki Hospital last night. After assaulting members of staff and loyal Kira supporters, he was overpowered by brave citizens." CCTV footage is playing now, fuzzy and seemingly-slow as if the figures in it are moving through water. A hospital corridor; two nurses talking in the foreground. A man in a white shirt, pushing through a cluster of dark-suited men -

"It's Rester." Aizawa can just about recognise the man. One of Takada's people is calling out to him. He looks back at them, and then turns, pulling a gun - well, a block of pixels that's presumably a gun - from its holster and loosing off a shot. The nurses scream, scurry out of view. The other men are shouting, taking out their own weapons, and then all at once Rester is stumbling, and black blood has spattered itself across his arm and shoulder. He fires again -

The footage vanishes, and Takada stares soberly out at them. Aizawa can feel his heart thumping and his palms are hot - what happened next, is Rester even still alive? - but underneath that there's wild relief that at least it wasn't Mogi and it may be cruel to think like that but right now he doesn't care. The SPK don't know where the notebook is. While it's only them who've been caught, there's still a chance that Kira might not win this.

"Another of the sinners is believed to have been on the scene," Takada is continuing, "and has kidnapped a patient. Teru Mikami, a lawyer from Kyoto -" A picture of Mikami is displayed, his face blank and serious and bespectacled, almost unrecogniseable from the wild-eyed lunatic at the warehouse - "had been hospitalised after suffering a wound to the throat. Lord Kira urges us all to be vigilant following these acts of violence, and implores the NPA to take action before more innocent people are hurt." She pauses, and, if it's possible, her face becomes even more full of fake concern.

"In other news," she says, "the child of one of the fugitives has been kidnapped, as Kira's followers try any means they can to return the world to normal."

And that's _it. _All the planning and all the attempts to stay calm and see the positives and keep a cool head are useless because - because Raito's actually done it -

"The child's mother, Eriko Aizawa, appealed to her husband on NHN last night to give himself up and save the life of their youngest daughter."

And there's Eriko, her eyes reddened and her face blank and hopeless as if she can't bring herself to realise the full horror of what's going on. She stares out at him and then she says, "Shuichi... they took Youko away. Earlier this evening." Already her voice is cracking, but she lifts a hand and rubs it across her eyes - an untidy, childlike gesture. "They said it's... they say they'll give her back once you turn yourself in. I don't know what to do. If you can... please, help me, I don't... I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do..."

"While I understand the motivation behind such an act," Takada says, back on the screen now and looking so concerned that Aizawa actually wants to hit her, "I am very sorry that innocent women and children are suffering. I too would ask Shuichi Aizawa to give himself up in order to spare further pain to his family. I would also like our viewers to know that his wife and other child are under NHN's protection. While I am alive, nothing else will happen to them."

She pauses, and then starts going on about other things Kira wants the world to do. Aizawa waits, stares at her, but no more horrible things come out of nowhere and then the news has ended and Ide is flicking off the TV. He and Matsuda - who came back into the room at some point, is damp-haired and straightening his tie - are staring at him as if he's just said something insane. He scowls back at them, he didn't know this was going to happen, he didn't _tell _Eriko to - he didn't _know - _

"Come on," he says at last, and heads out of the room.

They trail after him, and he can feel them watching him, waiting for him to acknowledge what they've just seen, but he can't, he _can't - _He sticks it out as they reach the foyer, as they quickly breakfast, as they trudge out into the cold, damp air, and then once they're in the car he can focus on driving safely, carefully, like someone whose biggest concern is making a meeting on time. But the silence sticks in his throat and after about fifteen minutes he has to say, "It's only me they want."

He tried to pick something calm and innocuous, he wanted to sound like he was still in control, but as he speaks the anger burns through him so strongly it feels like it'll snap him in two and he grips the wheel so hard his cold fingers ache. Ide, in the front passenger seat, must be able to tell how furious he is, but Ide might have been able to tell anyway.

"You're not thinking of going back," he says now.

Aizawa didn't know what he was thinking of, but Ide's casual dismissal of the idea pisses him off enough that he can snarl, "What the hell else am I supposed to do? There's no way they got Eriko to lie for them! They can do _anything _to Youko and _-_"

"No, they can't," Ide snaps. "Anything they do they'll have to let you know about through NHN. They can't broadcast stuff about loyal Kira supporters killing a kid. Takada's not that stupid -"

"Yeah, so I'm sure if it comes down to it, she can think up a way of getting a message out!"

"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Ide says. "Are you going to give yourself up? You know damn well they'll get the notebook's location out of you and then they'll get hold of it and then they'll kill all of us. That's it, Kira wins and every single thing we've done for the last five years is wasted. Kira wins and no one can stop him and, oh yeah, your family get to live in a world where everyone sees it's okay to hurt kids if it'll help Kira -"

"At least Youko _gets _to live!" And as Aizawa yells it the terror pours over him and - Youko barely even knows who Kira _is, _all she'll be thinking is that Mum and Dad are going to look after her - "And if they've got Eriko making appeals on TV, they've got her and Yumi somewhere where they can keep an eye on them too! Takada said they're _under her protection - _if they start killing them off one by one -" The thought of how likely that is to happen makes him feel so sick he has to stop speaking for a few seconds. "And don't give me that crap about how it'll look, Takada can spin it, she can say it was crazed Kira vigilantes or something - _we'll _both know it was done under her orders -"

"If you go back," Ide says, "you'll get me and Matsuda and Mogi and the SPK killed."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Aizawa wants to carry on sounding angry, but he doesn't suddenly, he sounds despairing instead. He doesn't _want _Kira to win, but - to cold-bloodedly decide that he'll let his daughter be killed - the way Eriko had gazed at him, pleading with him to sort this out... He can feel Ide watching him and he's just about to actually say _stop fucking staring at me_ or something equally short-tempered when Ide blurts out, "Look, there's something you need to know."

By his tone Aizawa suspects this is nothing he _wants _to know, but he manages to make himself say, "What is it?" and if he sounds wary that's hardly his fault.

"I..." Ide has glanced away, and he actually sounds uncertain for a few seconds. "I've got a couple of pages from - from the notebook with me."

Matsuda gasps; Aizawa almost forgets for a second that he's the one controlling the car.

"What?" he hears himself yell. "_Why?_"

"I don't... I thought it might be useful." Ide still doesn't look at him. Aizawa grits his teeth and tries not to think of anything but pulling off at the next exit and parking on the hard shoulder. There he lets go of the wheel and takes a deep breath and manages to say more or less without shouting, "Why, exactly, did you think it might be _useful_?"

Ide doesn't answer. He's scowling ahead at the frosty grass outside and Aizawa suddenly _is _furious, how dare Ide start behaving as he expected gratitude?

"It only does one thing," he says. "I don't know about you, but I didn't set out expecting to murder anyone."

"I didn't _expect _anything, all right? I just -"

"What, thought we could use it as a threat? A gun's not original enough any more?"

"I thought if it came down to it, we could save our skins that way!" Ide turns to look at him; he's pale, and the white light glistens in his skin. "All right? Raito wants us _dead, _Aizawa. It doesn't matter what we try and do to him, he is going to have us killed the second he can do it without losing track of the notebook! Why the hell should we just sit back and let him do it?"

"Because _we're _not the ones who wipe out anyone causing us hassle!" Aizawa can feel the rage squeezing his chest and, under that, fear - _he's right - stop being so holier-than-thou, you know he's right - _he takes another breath of cold air and, trying to keep on with the level voice, carries on, "Or did you forget that's _why _he wants us dead? Because we're in his way?"

"Give it a rest. I wouldn't have said anything if Takada wasn't threatening your daughter -"

Aizawa so nearly lashes out physically then - his arms actually ache with the effort of not doing so.

"You mean, you want to push the decision on to me," he says at last. His voice is still quiet, but it's choked with the effort of not yelling.

"I want you to know there might be an option that's not you giving yourself up or doing something equally stupid! Okay? God forbid I'd rather Raito and Takada bought it than you -"

"Like hell. You want to save your own skin. And then feel like we were all in it if you _do _murder them."

Ide's eyes widen, but when he snaps back, "That's not true," it's thin and resentful, so Aizawa knows it is true, at least a bit. Maybe satisfaction shows in his face, because Ide, glancing away again - painfully casually - says, "You can go on all you want about how it's wrong, but I don't reckon your wife will buy it - not if Takada actually -"

"_Shut up_," Aizawa says, but he can hardly get the words out.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Ide's almost jeering now. "Burn it? Are you really going to say you're sure enough we can risk it? You can risk it?"

Aizawa so badly wants to say _go ahead. Do it. _That would prove he's not talking shit, and it would also remove any temptation to even consider doing what Ide's suggesting. He almost does say it, just to win the argument. But even as he opens his mouth, he can feel the fear gripping him. If they do get rid of it and then Takada... Youko and Yumi and Eriko have done _nothing, _he can't sacrifice them to some moral debate, especially not when he _knows _Raito and Takada have killed hundreds...

"Don't..." Ide begins, and then, "I'm not saying it's our only choice." He's talking too loudly. "Hell, they might have already put some - some contingency plan in place. She said that about your family being safe while she's alive... They might expect us to try this. But I don't think - if they actually do something to your kids then they must know they're risking that retaliation. They won't... they won't want to push you into - into that. They'll just want to make you give up because you can't take the guilt. I just - wanted you to know we don't have to, all right?"

Aizawa thinks _of course, it was just because you're so incredibly selfless_, but it doesn't matter, does it? What matters is he's going to keep his mouth shut and treasure the knowledge that that paper is there, that it can be used if, if he wants it to be, and that Ide will wait until he asks so that then they're both complicit. The only comfort is that, as he pulls back onto the motorway, Ide looks as wretched as he feels.

ooo

Mogi's managed to get used to falling asleep in chairs when he has to, but it still always means that he awakes aching all over, his body protesting that it's more tired than when he went to sleep.

He stands up now, wincing at his sore back, and walks over to peer round the curtains, rubbing away the moisture speckling the glass. Outside, the sky is pale and white, the sun hardly visible. The air is clammy and cold, even with this tiny, closed window, and he lets the curtain drop back.

Misa is curled up in the double bed, the ivory counterpane wrapped round her. Mogi glances at her; all he can really see is tangled blonde hair, but her breathing is slow and soft, so he figures he's still got some time to think. Not that he's got high hopes of being able to come up with anything that will solve the situation, but he should at least try.

He's not going to be able to keep Misa in the dark forever, not if he wants to keep himself informed of what Takada and Raito are doing. Well, is he? All right, Raito may not reveal himself as Kira, but Misa knows there are three people in the SPK, of course she does. Once she sees some news, she'll realise that her fiance isn't actually being included in the hunt, and, at the very least, she'll assume Mogi lied to her in order to get her on her own for one shady reason or another. And even if he can get her to believe that - that he acted for some non-Kira-related reason, because he cares about her in some respect (which he's not sure he can do) she'll still want to go back, find Raito, and do whatever will be most helpful to him. And by this point, she'll see no reason for loyalty to Mogi. Even if she discovers Raito living under Takada's protection, it won't stop her doing everything she can to show her devotion to him. It'll probably encourage her to be _more _loyal, just to prove a point...

He could simply leave her. She's got money of her own. If he just got up and left he would be on his own, unobserved, and... all right, things probably wouldn't be much better but at least he wouldn't have to keep worrying about lying. But that's stupid, after he's come this far. She'll know right away he lied to her. If he stays with her for now, he'll be able to keep a watch on her a little longer.

Misa sighs, rolls over, sits up a little. "Mochi... what time is it?"

"Quarter to nine."

"We should get going -" She rubs her eyes. "It'll cost a bomb if we stay any longer and..." A yawn. "You're supposed to keep moving when you're running away, right? Misa will take a shower." She scrambles out of bed, wanders across the room.

"You slept all right?" he says, and realises he wants to underline to an invisible audience that he was far enough away from her all night that he wouldn't have known this.

"Sort of. Worried about Raito." She stops, looks back at him. "What will we do if something has - if he has -"

"Don't think about that. It probably won't have happened yet anyway. Go and have your shower."

She nods, forces a smile. "Then we can come up with a plan!"

Once she's in the bathroom and he can hear the water running, he risks putting on the TV, keeping the sound low. He doesn't have to wait long before NHN run another Kiyomi Takada appeal. He sits and watches, sees Rester getting shot down, Aizawa's wife crying into the camera, and when the appeal finishes it's several seconds before he can remember to turn the TV off again. This is bad. Even if Aizawa doesn't give himself up right away, there's no guarantee that he won't later. He might well decide they're all dead anyway and he'd at least like to assure himself of his family's protection. And they've got Rester already - he'll be able to tell them that it's the task force who know where the notebook is -

"Mochi, can you get me my clothes?"

He blinks and goes over to do so, taking care not to look into the steamy, flower-scented bathroom. Misa giggles. After a bit, she walks back out again, dressed and brushing her hair.

"You saw the news?" she says, more quietly.

"Yes. They've caught -" Her eyes widen, and he carries on quickly, "they've caught one of the SPK. Last night, I think. He was shot."

"Which one?"

"Rester. The man sitting with us in the back -"

"I remember." Misa pouts a little. "He wasn't so bad. Not like that Lidner woman. He - he was shot? Is - are they trying to _kill -_"

"No!" Mogi says, feeling the words stumble in his mouth, "I don't think so. I think they want to... ask us questions."

"That still won't be fun," Misa says, softly.

Mogi doesn't really want to think about how not fun it will be, so he says instead, "I don't think the police are involved yet, so people won't know what I look like. And - and they didn't mention you, either, so it might only be Takada's people who'll be searching for you." He wonders why they didn't mention Misa; surely she's going to be the easiest to spot of everyone they're hunting for (except perhaps Mikami, if he's amnesiac and has a throat wound, but of course they have broadcast his image). But then, perhaps neither Takada nor Raito think that she'll be useful to them. She knows nothing about Kira, not now, and they may not know, yet, that he himself is with her.

"Did they say anything else?" Misa says, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Mochi looks worried."

There's no point in hiding anything from Misa that he doesn't have to, so he says, "Aizawa's wife and children... I think NHN's taken them into custody. They're saying that the younger one's been kidnapped, that she'll only be returned if - if Aizawa gives himself up, but I think NHN are behind it."

"Do you think he will?" Misa says. "I mean... if he does..."

"I don't know." Of course, Aizawa knows that Mogi has gone off with Misa. If he _does _turn himself in -

"Poor Monchichi," Misa says, her voice oddly subdued. "Mochi - if he does, then they'll..." Her voice trails off, and she shivers. "Well... perhaps they won't. Monchichi's pretty stubborn. Do you think -" She stops, bites her lip.

"I don't know. Perhaps he'll stay in hiding," Mogi says, trying to sound reassuring.

"His family will be scared, though," Misa says. For a moment, she's quiet, as if something's occurred to her, but then she flicks back her hair, and says, "I hate that Kiyomi. She's just the kind of person to do something that mean. Okay - seriously, Mochi, what are we going to do now?" She swings her feet, kicking her heels against the side of the bed. "We need to find Raito, I guess..."

"I - I know, but... the most important thing is to keep you safe. And it's going to be riskier the more we move around."

"Hmm. Okay. Well, they're not looking for me. You said. They're looking for a bunch of guys who could be police officers. _Also _-" Misa holds up a finger, winks - "if they see a shy-looking guy like Mochi with a pretty girl like Misa, they'll think that those two are up to something _completely _different."

Mogi feels himself blush a little and wishes he wasn't. "I - yes?"

Misa giggles. "So-oo, we don't want to act like we're on the run like criminals, we want to act like we're eloping or something. Don't we? Then if anyone sees us acting odd, they'll figure that's why. Misa can make herself look different, so people don't recognise her right away, then we just keep a low profile. Raito will understand. And I'm sure he's working on a plan right now, and he'll probably send a signal somehow, tell us where he is. All we need to do is stay hiding until that happens, and if the others don't get caught, we should be okay."

Mogi wants to argue simply because he's _not that kind of guy, _but he has to admit that Misa's suggestion makes sense. At the moment, no one is looking for a Japanese couple furtively booking into love hotels. And it was Misa who suggested this, not him; clearly the idea that he might behave inappropriately to her has not crossed her mind (and, of course, he isn't _going _to, he just doesn't want her to feel as if he's coerced her into a situation she'll find uncomfortable.)

And it isn't as if he has a better plan.

"All right," he says.

"Great!" Misa punches the air triumphantly. "Okay, we have to think about where we can go. What would you do if you were running off with another man's wife, Mochi?"

"Just... uh... just running off for a night, or... or for a longer period of time?"

"Well, Misa would _hope _it's not just for a night. That wouldn't be gentlemanly at all." She winks at him, and he feels himself turn red. For god's sake, he needs to get a grip. She's a friendly, pretty girl and she's making a joke. That's all.

"I... I really don't know," he says, just to say _something_. "I suppose... if I had a friend who was out of town, I might ask him if we could use his flat." His mouth is going dry. "But - I don't think anyone is going to be too keen for me to visit them right now."

"Family? They wouldn't turn you in, right?"

"There's only my parents." Mogi imagines turning up with a girl more than ten years younger than him in tow. "They must be worried already, and there's no way they'd be able to keep a lie going, if they were asked." But perhaps that's just parents would insist on knowing what was really going on, and he doesn't want them dragged into this. Look at what's happened to Aizawa's family already.

"You don't have -" he begins, and then wants to kick himself, of _course _Misa doesn't have -

"Well..." She chews on her lip, frowning. "Misa has a sister."

"You do?"

"Uh-huh. We don't talk much, but..." She shifts, clasps and unclasps her hands. "We should go find someone who doesn't know _you, _right? Seeing as you're the one who's been announced. And I don't... I don't have anyone else."

"If you think she would be all right with it, then - that sounds a good idea."

Misa shrugs, gets to her feet. "She won't be happy. But she won't turn us in. And... it's not like we've got a choice. So we've got to go if we want to protect Raito." She's subdued again. Mogi can never tell whether she's hiding more when she's like this or when she's perky, happy Misa-Misa talking in the third person. As always, he stays silent; she'll choose whether to brighten up or not. She wouldn't have suggested the idea if she weren't prepared to follow through with it. And if he's using her to stay hidden, at least he's not making any promises to her to convince her to help. Just keeping back one key detail of their situation.

ooo

Gevanni has always been able to survive on relatively little sleep, whether the night involves partying, creating an accurate forgery of a killer notebook, or, as in this case, driving all night down anonymous Japanese freeways. Mikami seemed shaken by the incident at the hospital; at any rate, he was silent, he surrendered his phone to Gevanni without argument, and when they stopped at a service station for Gevanni to grab some coffee, Gevanni said, "Would you like to try and sleep for a while? You could lie down in the back of the car." After a few seconds, Mikami nodded, dully, as if he didn't really care either way, and while he may not have fallen asleep he hasn't stirred until now, when the sun is finally rising.

"Where are we?" he says, sitting up. His voice is still raspy and faint, as if he's got larygnitis. Gevanni wonders if that's going to wear off or if Mikami's actually permanently damaged his vocal cords. Still, it's not like he can afford to worry. At least the guy is still able to breathe.

"I'm not sure. I was just trying to get as far out of Tokyo as possible."

"Have you been driving all night?" Mikami doesn't ask it as if he's concerned, but just as if someone told him it's the correct line to come out with.

"Yes. Don't worry, I'm used to it."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Stephen Gevanni." Mikami will have lost the Eyes now, won't he? If he hadn't he'd have had some questions about the words and numbers he could see floating in the air. "I'm an FBI agent." He glances at his companion in the mirror; Mikami's eyes widen.

"America - America pledged their support to Kira," he says at last, warily.

"Yes."

"You said that you'd tell me what was going on." Mikami sits up a little, crosses his arms.

There is no point in telling Mikami the truth, not right now, not when the guy could get in touch with Takada and bring the wrath of NHN down on Gevanni's head. A stray thought points out that if he'd ditched Mikami at the hospital he wouldn't be in this mess, but he ignores it. There is no way he's losing track of the guy, and no way he's letting him get back in touch with Yagami.

He'll just have to come up with a convincing story, that's all.

"All right." (Keep your voice steady) "You support Kira, don't you?"

"Kira is God."

"After you'd been to some of the Sakura TV events, you were contacted by a man claiming to be Kira. He promised you that you'd be able to help him in his work, that you could help him build his new world. He told you to come to the Yellow Box Warehouse on January 28th, where he planned to wipe out people he claimed were his enemies. But when you got there..." Gevanni glances up again at the mirror to see Mikami's expression, but it's the typical blank, watchful stare. "When you got there, things didn't go as this man wanted. You and him were both arrested, and you realised that he wasn't the God you'd thought he was. He'd lied to you. You stabbed yourself in the throat because of that, I think - you were ashamed. But then Kiyomi Takada's followers showed up. I think they wanted to capture this man as well; they were angry that he'd made the real Kira look bad. Or perhaps they thought that he _was _the real Kira. Anyway, they took him from us."

A long pause. Gevanni keeps his eyes on the road. Sunlight sparkles off the other vehicles - it's going to be a bright morning. In the back of his mind, he's wishing the car heating worked properly. His toes are growing numb. Mikami needs to believe him. Gevanni does not want to have to do something - decisive, let's say, no matter how much easier it would be were he on his own -

Damn it. Rester gave him an objective to fulfil and that's what he's going to do. They may have had their leader killed and one of their number captured and their identities broadcast on national television but that doesn't give Gevanni an excuse to - to give up. Mikami is a security risk and he's also a mass murderer. And if he goes back to Yagami, Yagami will probably get him to make the shinigami eye deal again or something, and Kira doesn't need _more _resources.

"Why did I believe this man?" Mikami says at last.

"I don't know the details -"

"No," Mikami says, fiercely. "You must know. You must know and you have to tell me how I could do something like that -" He's leaning forward now; Gevanni can smell the antiseptic and crumpled clothes. "I'm not that stupid; why would I believe in a false god simply because he told me to?"

Gevanni's acutely conscious that Mikami is capable of trying to strangle him, or similar, and send them flying off the road and into the nearest wall. (Steady. Defuse it)

"I'm going to pull over," he says. "I'll pull over, and explain what I know. All right?"

Silence, so Gevanni keeps going until he spots a layby and parks the car there. (Think round the problem; don't go for the obvious) He turns to face Mikami, and says, "Would you like to come and sit in the front? Then we can talk face-to-face and I won't get a crick in my neck." After a few seconds, Mikami nods, and opens the passenger door. Gevanni wonders what he'll do if the man makes a run for it, but then, where exactly can you go when you're in the middle of a freeway? And when Mikami has settled into the other front seat, Gevanni realises it was a stupid thing to think; Mikami wants answers too much by now.

"All right. I really don't know exactly how this happened, and I'm sorry about that. It could easily be that this man was himself in contact with the real Kira, and had access to information that allowed him to predict certain high-profile deaths." He watches Mikami, to see how he'll take that; Mikami's face doesn't change, so he carries on, "Besides, my understanding is that you simply went to meet him." He almost says _you did nothing else wrong _before he catches up with himself. For god's sake, he's only _in _this situation because Mikami's killed literally hundreds of people. The fact that he did it solely because he believed he was doing good doesn't make it any better.

(You really want to blame Yagami for everything, don't you?)

More like it's too dangerous to start thinking about what Mikami's done and how bad a person that might make him. This is going to be rough on him as it is; Gevanni doesn't want to find himself taking pleasure in the guy's fear and confusion. _This is a job. That's all it is. _(Fulfil the objectives. No need to think about the big picture.)

"But I believed," Mikami says at last, the words choking from his damaged throat.

"Yes."

Mikami's fingers go to the wound, brush the dressings.

"I looked it up," he says, abruptly. "How to kill myself using a pen. I - I knew that I might have to - I don't know why, but - I didn't do it right. It hurt. I thought that wouldn't matter but it did. It did. If what you're telling me is true, I should have died, and I failed in that, too."

"No! You were lied to, that's all! Nobody thinks you should have died. Don't talk like that."

"Why is Takada-san looking for me?" Mikami says. "She..." He frowns. "I was meeting with her. I don't... I don't remember what we talked about, but..."

"You remember that she supports Kira as well?"

"Yes."

"I believe she was trying to find the real Kira too. I think -" (concern; wariness) "- she believes you've betrayed him."

"_No! _How could she? Couldn't she _see -_" Mikami stops, wincing, presses a hand to his throat.

"Be careful," Gevanni says. "You don't want to burst the stitches. I could be wrong, anyway. It could be that she's decided to ally herself with the fake, and knows that you know too much."

"She wouldn't do that." It obviously hurts Mikami to get the words out, but he says them anyway. "She is loyal to Kira, I know it... I - I don't know _how_ I know, but I'm sure of it..."

He trails off.

"It's all right," Gevanni says, as encouragingly as he can. "You could be right. Perhaps she thinks the fake is the real Kira, you know? Perhaps she thinks that's who she's supporting. He's a good liar."

Mikami swallows. At last, he whispers, "And what did you want?"

(make him think you're the only one he can trust)

"I wanted to find the real Kira. I still do." (Not exactly a lie.) "That's why I was following you. I knew we both want the same things. But I don't want to die either, and right now, with Takada-san telling the world I'm an enemy of Kira -"

"The FBI were against Kira, when he came to this world."

"That was five years ago! You know how much things have changed since. Look, I - I know you won't remember, but we've talked about this before." What the hell is he doing? Is there _any _chance this will work? But he's started now - "I know you're a good man. I know how hard you've always worked to do the right thing. You told me to stick by you; you were positive you'd find the real Kira."

Mikami turns away.

"I don't remember anything like that," he says, but he sounds resigned more than anything else, as if he knows he doesn't remember a lot. "I... I'm not saying that it isn't true, but I just... I need to talk to Takada-san. She'll know what happened. She'll listen to me."

Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice concerned, "Will she?" The cars keep on rushing past them. He thinks suddenly that they probably look suspicious, sitting parked by the side of a freeway. If anyone comes to look and sees that he isn't Japanese, things could go to hell very fast.

"You're not yourself at the moment," he says, keeping his voice low and soothing. "I mean, you've forgotten so much - you've forgotten talking to me, you've forgotten that you trusted me. Who's to say you haven't forgotten vital information about Takada, too? Give it time, and your memories might come back - or at any rate, some of them. Whereas if you go back now, and it turns out that Takada-san has betrayed Kira after all... right now, we could be the only ones who know the truth."

"I... I can't..."

"Please, Mikami-san? Don't risk it."

Mikami hunches over, gripping his arms, and Gevanni realises how much he's shaking.

"I can't," he whispers again. "I can't, it's - it's all different, nothing makes _sense - _I need - I need to -"

"Ssh." Gevanni leans over, puts a hand on the man's shoulder. "It's all right. I'll look after you."

"Nothing is _right!_"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I don't want to run away," Mikami says, gritting his teeth. "I want to do what's right. This isn't right."

(be kind)

"We're not going to keep running. We'll go back as soon as it's safe. I promise."

Which is probably something he'll come to regret. But hey, what's one more lie? And they're comforting; they create an alter-ego, and Gevanni can just think about that guy's emotions and view of the situation instead. It saves on stress, at any rate.

Mikami stares at him, and, when he nods and smiles, breathes out a little, and stops digging his nails into his skin. They drive on.


	3. Dependence

(A/N: this chapter features hints of a het pairing to come, and actual slash pairing (nothing particularly explicit, though). Just for your information!)

Gevanni has kept an eye on the dashboard clock for the last two hours, and he's become horribly aware of how much the numbers have started to blur. There's that, and there's the way he can feel his eyes moving in their sockets whenever he glances down. Not to mention how the shadows on the road keep lying flat or turning white if he doesn't blink. And the top of his spine and his arms and his ankles ache, but he tuned that out a while back. Okay, he's seriously going to have to stop and sleep before he kills them both.

Mikami's been quiet since their last conversation; staring blankly out, or scratching absently at the dressings on his throat. (Going to have to take care of that, too.)

"Right -" Gevanni hears his voice dry and stale as the air in here - "I'm going to have to take a break."

Mikami looks round at him. "Where are we going to go?"

"We can pull off at the next service station. I can get some coffee at least."

Mikami frowns. "You've been driving for over twelve hours now."

"Yeah, I know."

"It isn't safe."

"Well, I don't know what else to do. I don't think it's safe for us to check in anywhere, either." He pulls off the freeway, eases the car into the service station. It's bathed in cold sunlight; for a moment that's all he can see, and he blinks, hard.

"Why not?"

"They'll be looking out for you, and I'm not Japanese. They'll ask questions." He feels slowed-down, as if he's only on a time-delay from the US. Leaning forward, he rests his head on the steering wheel, and exhaustion crawls up his body, horribly quickly. Shit, he is this close to falling asleep.

"Then you should sleep in the car," Mikami says, calmly, sounding like the most reasonable travelling companion alive apart from the hoarseness of his voice. "You are not safe to drive, Gevanni-san."

Gevanni doesn't exactly want to say _yes, but that still means you could disappear while I'm napping. _It goes against the atmosphere of trust he's making a stab at creating. In the end he says, "What, and let you drive?"

"I can't drive." Mikami glances away, down at his feet, at his still neatly-polished shoes. "Surely you already know that."

"I - I know I never saw you, but you live in a city, I guess I -" He massages his forehead, glad that at least it's cold enough that his fingers are cool. "Sorry. How come?"

"I have never needed to," Mikami says, in a tone that doesn't invite further questioning. "We can park somewhere secluded and you can sleep for a short while. I'll wait."

Gevanni doesn't like this and every instinct is yelling at him that it's dangerous, but he suspects that at least a few of those instincts are being powered by lack of sleep, and it isn't like a chance to rest is likely to turn up if he waits long enough. In the end he nods, and carries on to the parking lot, managing to duck into a space that's a reasonable distance from any other vehicles.

"Just twenty minutes," he says. "Wake me."

Mikami nods.

Gevanni leans back in the seat, letting his arms slump to his sides - which feels way too good - and closes his eyes. Almost immediately, or so it seems, the tiredness rushes up again, black and heavy and cutting his mind off from his body, letting it float in darkness. He's too tired even to worry about the situation now - disconnected thoughts like _Rester _and _Mikami _and _Kira _and _Near _float through his mind, but they don't lead to anything, they just hang there, letting him know that they're going to be important when he opens his eyes.

Eventually, they stop meaning anything.

Just as he feels he's falling, something drags him back. Words. Fast talking, music; he blinks, opens his eyes. His neck's stiff. The radio. Mikami has switched on the radio - it is twenty minutes, exactly, since he closed his eyes - Mikami has switched on the radio, and they're talking about him.

"_- continuing the search for the six. NHN reports that two are American, and members of the disbanded US anti-Kira group, Special Provision for Kira. The other four are former Japanese police officers. One of the Americans is believed to have kidnapped a Kyoto lawyer, Teru Mikami -"_

Gevanni sits up, looks round. His mind feels fresh and light and he's fully aware of how much shit he could now be in. Mikami is staring at him. He's gone white.

"You lied to me," he says.

"No -"

"You lied and you're lying now! You're trying to make me forget, you're trying to lead me into sin - and I _believed -_"

He's leaning round, scrabbling with the doorhandle. Gevanni's reached for his gun before he realises, is pointing it, is wondering what it would be like to drive for another twelve hours with a corpse as a passenger.

"Mikami," he says, "please listen."

Mikami actually smiles, miserably. "Of course. You're using force to make yourself righteous, just like everyone else."

"No. I just can't let you leave, do you understand? Listen to me!" He can't lose track of Mikami. (He'll get back to NHN. Give you away.) He can do this. He knows he can.

"I don't care if you kill me. It's better to die pure than to live in sin, I don't care -" Mikami's fingers scrabbling on the handle. It's only his shock that's stopped him fleeing.

"_Listen!" _Gevanni lets a angry edge creep into his voice, as if the way this situation plays out actually matters to him. Mikami stares at him, and Gevanni carries on, "Please." (All right, let's see how well you can act.) "I can't just let you walk back into danger. You're - you're my friend."

Silence. Mikami evidently wasn't expecting this. He's gone very still, his eyes darting over Gevanni's face, looking for lies.

"I don't have friends," he says.

"That's not what I said. I said _I_ count _you _as a friend. I count you as someone whose sense of justice is strong enough that I can trust him completely. Someone who doesn't lie or act fake to get what they want. And I'm not going to let you get yourself killed now." (Corny.)

Mikami's mouth falls open and he gazes at Gevanni as confused and awed as if Gevanni's claiming he can do magic.

"But we never spoke," he says, slowly, hesitantly. "I swear I can't remember us ever talking."

Gevanni swallows, makes himself smile ruefully. "Yeah, I get that. You can't remember a lot. I'm not... I'm not angry about it. But I need to keep you safe."

"You could... you could just be saying this. To keep me on your side."

Credit where credit's due, the man's not an idiot. "What else can I do? I know I don't have any proof that what I'm saying is true. But we both know that Takada is controlling the media." (He's speaking quietly and calmly and he doesn't sound guilty, not guilty at all.) "Of course she wants to make it sound like we're all anti-Kira. Especially me, seeing as I'm not even Japanese. It might be that she wants to provoke this reaction, that she's trying to get you to come back here of your own accord. She knows how concerned you are to do the right thing."

Mikami watches him, wide-eyed. His hands, still on the door, have gone still.

"Please, Mikami-san," Gevanni says. "You don't know where you are. You can't drive, and you're still injured. And if you do make your way back to Takada, and she uses you to betray Kira, it won't just be her you'll need to run away from. Stick with me now, and there's _only _me. And I swear, we both want the same things."

Mikami is shaking a little.

"I know there's a lot of gaps in your memories. She can use those. She knows you."

"So do you," Mikami whispers.

"Yes. And you know me. Well, you did. You used to know you could trust me. It's your call, okay? It's who you trust more, me or Takada. But if you pick her -" (Sorry; pained) "Look, I don't want to shoot you. But I can't let you screw up the real Kira's chances. I can't - I can't let feelings come before doing what's right."

That's it, the killer blow. Because Mikami would be equally willing to destroy a friend if he believed it was justice. The man bites his lip, gives one last desperate glance out of the window, but then slumps, putting his face in his hands, breath shaking. In his head, Gevanni breathes a slow sigh of relief. He starts the car, and drives back onto the freeway. In the bigger picture, he may be screwed, but right now, he can convince himself he's still holding things together.

ooo

Mogi was worried that catching the train to Kansai was risky - if not because they'd be visible and observed, then because Misa might pick up a newspaper - but she didn't seem interested in investigating current events at all. He bought her a magazine, but she only flicked listlessly through it, spending most of her time staring out of the window. Her silence, coupled with her avoid-the-fans disguise - hair pulled back in a harsh ponytail, a pair of lensless glasses on her nose - makes her seem like someone else entirely, like Mogi has woken up suddenly to find himself travelling with a stranger.

They arrive mid-afternoon, but she insists on window-shopping, showing Mogi where she used to go for ice cream after school, where she once almost got caught shoplifting chocolate, where she got her ears pierced. As the sky gets darker and the air bites down on them, he feels her trembling, hears her voice grow higher and louder. She's obviously trying to put off visiting her sister, but even though he'd like to get off the streets and out of sight he hasn't the heart to force her. Besides, if anyone is following them, it will throw them off the scent as to their destination. Perhaps.

He tries to remind himself that this isn't about doing what's best for Misa, it's about defeating Kira and keeping the notebook away from him. Just because being kind to her may _feel _like the most important thing - and why should it, anyway, their relationship is entirely built on fake professionalism, why is he even thinking like this - the point is, feelings are not to be trusted now. What counts is quick thinking and practicality. He just wishes he had more of either quality.

"So your sister never left this area?" he says at one point.

"No." Misa is staring at a window display, folding the hem of her top into pleats as she does so. "She's a lot older than me, though. You know, more settled."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she's twelve years older than me." A sudden smile as she giggles and winks at him: "She'll probably freak out when I turn up on her doorstep with my secret lover in tow! I can't wait to see her face."

Mogi hastily glances at the streetlight flickering against the sky, knowing he's blushing again. "If you think she won't be happy about it -"

He sees, out of the corner of his eye, Misa wave a dismissive hand. "Hey, if she won't let us stay with her we can find a hotel. At least -" She lowers her voice a bit, and he turns to look at her - "at least we're out of Tokyo, right? I mean - Mochi really thinks this is the right thing to do?"

Mogi makes himself look at her. "Yes." And he's almost sure it's not a lie.

Eventually, when all the shops have closed and Misa's hands are so cold that Mogi can feel the chilliness of her fingers even through his coat sleeve, she shrugs and says, "Hey, Mochi... I guess we should get going."

"Is your sister's home far?"

"Not so much."

She huddles into her coat now, silent, staring at her feet. The air's bitingly cold, and the streetlights blur and frost in the mist.

"Mochi's okay? Misa wanted to... to look round the town again."

"I'm okay." He wants to ask her why she's afraid, but he doesn't think he can. He's always preferred to pretend he isn't scared when something unnerving happens, and disliked it when someone draws attention to his unease. He can do Misa the same favour.

Her sister lives in an apartment not far from the city centre. The ceilings are low and the walls are thick, meaning that they walk through a corridor of silence. Misa walks more slowly, feet dragging, heels of her boots echoing _tap tap _on the bare floor.

""My sister might be rude to us," she says. "She's sort of... she sort of doesn't like me very much."

"Why not?"

"Ohh... when I left for Tokyo, we had a fight." She tosses her head a bit, her ponytail jumping. "You know. I sort of haven't actually talked to her much since."

"What did you fight about?"

"Things..." Misa sounds absent. She's got her back to Mogi now, pausing on the landing as if she's not sure of the route. "Kira. She'd just got divorced, you know? She was totally jealous of me because I was still young and had my whole life ahead of me. And I'm way prettier than her too."

"How - how does she feel about Kira?"

Misa shrugs. "I don't know. Don't care. She just had a massive fight with me for no reason. So, I'm just saying, she might say a bunch of stuff about me that isn't true. Or think I'm pretending about Raito, or something. Just... Mochi trusts me, right?"

"Of - of course."

Misa gives a triumphant grin, and turns back to face him.

"Yeah, I should have known," she says. "Mochi's a good guy."

She takes a few quick strides, stops outside one of the apartments, and rings the doorbell. They wait, her clutching his arm. She seems absent, now, as if she's remembering something else. Perhaps she isn't scared. Perhaps she's only remembering her childhood, her parents. It must be difficult for her, coming back, to Mogi's knowledge for the first time since the murders. He should stop seeing fear, weakness, where there might not be any. He'd only be looking for it so that he could protect her.

The door opens a little way, revealing one side of a woman's face. Thinner than Misa, clearly older, with a sharp mouth and straight dark hair tied back in a ponytail. She stares at them, her mouth falling open - blinks a few times. Then her face tightens.

"Why exactly are you here?" she says, at last, her voice stiff.

"Aww, come on, is that any way to say hi to me again? I mean it's been _ages."_ Misa's nails are digging into Mogi's arm.

"For god's sake, Misa, stop trying to be charming and tell me why you're here." She looks tired, and angry, but under that there is an edge of fear. What's she scared of? "If - if you just dropped in for a visit, well, I'm sorry, but I'm very busy at the moment -"

"No, no, Fuyumi, wait, please -" Misa actually dives forward to stick her foot in the door. "Misa just wanted to see you again! Nothing bad's happened, I promise!" Her voice is growing higher with nerves. Fuyumi glances away from her, and meets Mogi's eyes. She looks suddenly furious; Mogi wonders if it's because this not-very-happy reunion is happening in front of a stranger. Whatever it might be, it's starting to look very much as though they'll have to give up on Fuyumi's hospitality if things continue as they are, so he steps forward a little, bows, lets himself sound like he very much wants to charm her. Lying is a bit easier when you're doing it in a voice that thinks it oozes charm. "My apologies for not introducing myself, Amane-san. My name is Kanichi Moji; I'm Misa-Misa's manager. It's very nice to meet you."

Fuyumi blinks. "Her manager? Really?"

"Of course really," Misa says. "Why do you have to be so rude?"

"Well, it's not like we've spoken recently. This guy could be anyone -"

"Oh, so now Misa's a slut, is that it -"

Mogi hastily takes one of the business cards he carries in his manager persona and presents it to Fuyumi, bowing again for good measure.

"See," Misa says smugly.

"Hm. All right. Pleased to meet you, Moji-san," Fuyumi says, but she doesn't look at him now, she keeps her eyes on Misa. "Now do tell me, how I can be of assistance to the famous Misa-Misa and her manager?"

"Well..." Misa glances coquettishly up at the ceiling. "Actually, Fuyumi, Misa actually needs a little bit of help..."

"Oh. Really."

"You see..." Misa is twisting her fingers round each other. "Misa kind of needs a place to stay."

"Excuse me?"

"Misa... I sort of had... had a fight..."

Her voice dries up. Mogi, glancing at her, sees that her mouth is trembling.

"What Misa-Misa would like to say," he says, gently, "is that she and her fiance have unfortunately had some differences, and she felt it was best to put some space between them."

"And, and too many people know both of us!" Misa says, smile brightening a little. "Him and I, I mean. So it just seemed really tough on him if I were to stay in Tokyo. Mochi kindly offered to go with me. You know, to keep me safe?"

"Really." Fuyumi glances from Misa to Mogi, frowns. Mogi wonders how nervous they're both looking; how desperate.

"What were these differences about?" Fuyumi asks, and her eyes dart down the corridor like she's expecting someone else to come down it.

"Oh... you don't need to know."

"What does that mean, exactly?" Fuyumi says, an edge of bitterness in her voice. "That if I _did _know, there's no way I'd let you over the doorstep?"

Mogi expects Misa to come back with another retort, but she only takes a deep, shaking breath and says, "It isn't - _please, _Fuyumi - it isn't anything bad, I just need your help..." Mogi thinks it's genuine. Misa's still clutching his arm like she's about to faint, at any rate.

Fuyumi stares at her and then all at once she steps back, lets the door swing open. As they walk inside, she quickly closes it, and Mogi sees that she puts the chain on.

"By the way," she says, running a hand through her hair like she's getting a headache already, "is Moji-san remaining with you, Misa, or did he just want to see you delivered here safely?"

"Mochi's my manager," Misa says. "He needs to stay with me. What if a call came in about a shoot? Besides, it's dark now."

"So you're in fact asking for me to put _both _of you up."

"Mochi is staying with me," Misa says, eyes narrowing. "He didn't have to come with me, but he did, because he's _nice. _I'm not telling him to go and find a hotel."

Fuyumi looks at him again, and he can see the questions in her face, but in the end she only shrugs, and, turning away, says, "Well, by all means make yourself at home. I'm sorry the place is so untidy, but if you had called ahead..."

The flat isn't, in fact, untidy at all, but it is very small, with kitchen area, rice cooker, television, and little bookcase crammed into the room they're now standing in. Misa's pulling her coat off, eyes darting round the room nervously.

"Will there be enough room for us both?" Mogi says. "Misa and I can always -"

"Don't be silly, Mochi, it'll be fine," Misa says. "Fuyumi will have some spare futons, we can just sleep here."

"Of course you will," Fuyumi says, and now she's staring at Misa's hand still on Mogi's arm. She looks scornful, but she doesn't look as frightened. Whatever she was fearing, it wasn't just that her sister was bringing a boyfriend home.

"For your information," Misa says, flicking her hair back, "Misa is happy to share a room with Mochi. When we're on location we share a room _all the time. _Misa can trust Mochi."

Mogi can feel himself blushing. It probably helps; probably makes it more convincing that what they're lying about is just an affair. He wishes he'd had a chance to look at the news; how much could Fuyumi know? She must be aware of Misa's old fascination with Kira. On the other hand, she hasn't brought it up outright, so perhaps that will buy them some time. Misa is clutching his arm even more, smirking at her sister; the gesture makes him think of how she behaves with Raito, and he's suddenly too hot, and too conscious of her fingers against his sleeve. It is a _cover story, _he thinks at himself, furiously, it is _not real._

Fuyumi sighs - a short, sharp sigh - and snaps, "Do you know what, Misa? I don't care. You can do what you want. You always have before. I'll get some futons, and then I'll stay in my bedroom and the two of you can have privacy."

"Good," Misa says, snuggling against Mogi's arm a little. "That's all I wanted. Do you have any food?"

"We can get some takeaway," Mogi says hastily. "Amane-san is welcome to join us."

In the end Fuyumi does eat with them, not looking at either of them and giving a clear impression of cold fury without saying a word. Misa chatters away about celebrity parties and gossip columns, not seeming to mind that neither of her dinner companions are responding. After the meal has been finished and the cardboard containers tidied away, Fuyumi brings out futons and then disappears into the other room, saying over her shoulder as she does, "Don't keep me awake. I have work in the morning." But the door is only closed hard, not slammed. Mogi suspects Misa would have slammed it.

They lay out the futons and Misa goes into the bathroom to change into her nightclothes. When she comes back out, she seems more subdued, her hair loose and hanging round her face. She comes to sit down on her futon, huddles up with her knees pressed to her chest.

"Mochi hasn't got any pyjamas," she says at last.

"I... no. It's all right."

She giggles. "It's too cold to sleep nude, isn't it?" Her laughter trails off, though.

"Mochi," she says at last, "What will we do if... if they don't stop looking for us?"

Mogi considers the possible answers to that question, but all he can say is the truth: "I don't know."

"No." She smiles, sadly. "I guess not. Misa will sleep now, okay?"

"Sure."

But when the lights are off and they're both lying down, with the smell of the takeaway still hanging in the air and faint, washed-out moonlight on one wall, he hears her shifting about, sighing. The stupid parts of his mind tell him she's deliberately making her worry obvious, that she wants him to reassure her, but he knows that's ridiculous. She doesn't need his protection. She's reasonably good at protecting herself. Or, at any rate, employing enough determination to hide any fear she might be feeling. He has admired that about her, the way she will face down anything if it threatens something important to her, but at the same time he wants to know how scared she is underneath, whether she ever feels as nervous and awkward as he does, and, if so, how she covers it up.

"Raito can look after himself," he says softly, and it occurs to him that if he manages to survive this then that will suggest that Raito has been imprisoned; killed; neutralised, at any rate. And it'll destroy Misa. He feels a little sick. It isn't just that he's lying to her - he's using her, indirectly, to carry out her worst nightmare. He can ponder all he wants how dangerous Raito is and how bad he is for anyone close to him, but the fact remains that if he himself is going to end up on the winning side, Misa is going to end up devastated.

"I know," she says. "But Misa wants to look after him. He was hurt, you said. He could be on his own. And I'm just... hiding."

"This is what he'd want," Mogi says, feeding her the lines as if they're in a play. "He wants to know that you're all right."

"Yes," Misa says, nodding a little. "Yeah. I can be brave for him. Misa's _always _brave for him. I just..." She looks over at him; in the moonlight she looks very tired. "You see what she's like? You see what I had to put up with?"

Mogi keeps silent, and Misa smiles, a little. "Well. I guess I can't expect you to talk about her behind her back. She just... she thinks everything is my fault. If I _did _tell her what had happened, she wouldn't understand if was Kiyomi who did it, she'd say I should have seen it coming." A pause, then, as if she's decided to explain everything: "You know why? You know why she thinks that way? Because of what happened. I mean, with our parents. She assumes that if things go wrong, then it's somebody's fault. I mean... if things go wrong for _you, _it's _your _fault. She went on and on about how we should have - should have locked the back door that night. Like _that's _the important -" She stops; with an effort, she seems to pull herself together, curl up in the futon, hair hanging around her face. "How could I ever have brought Raito here? Raito's family are all so nice. He wouldn't want to deal with her. With all this stuff." Her voice shakes a little. "Misa doesn't really want to deal with it either."

Mogi badly wants to put an arm round her, or take her hand: _do _something comforting, because there's no way he'll be able to _say _anything. Except perhaps _I am so sorry. _He tries to keep breathing sensibly and he tells himself that Misa is not broken, that she's strong and that even if the worst happens she will come through it. And that it isn't as if he's the one responsible for her happiness anyway. Raito's the one who has that duty (who knows he has it and doesn't, Mogi suspects, really care.)

"She doesn't get it," Misa says, more quietly. "She thinks that if bad things happen to good people, it makes _them _bad. She doesn't see that... you know, bad people do the bad things and they're the ones whose fault it is. They're the ones who should be punished." She looks over at him; a shy smile. "It's okay, Misa doesn't like Kira any more. Misa likes what Raito likes."

It's like a light has been switched on and chased away the moonlight. Mogi manages a smile back, moves to pull the covers over himself, because for god's sake, what's wrong with him that he's thinking of Misa as the eternal victim in all of this? Misa came to Tokyo for a reason, and he and the rest of the task force are pretty sure they know what it was. He wonders if Fuyumi has some inkling, if that was why she seemed so nervous. At any rate, Misa has got away with any number of deaths. There's no reason he needs to be thinking of more things to offer her.

ooo

The sun has set; streetlights along the side of the road are lit up, cold white, the only things bright enough to be real.

Ide can feeling his brain trying to tell him it's okay to fall asleep. Well, it is, technically, seeing as Aizawa's the one driving; Matsuda has already given up the ghost and is curled up on the back seat, head half-under his jacket. But Aizawa looks just as tired as Ide feels and probably shouldn't be the only one awake. Dying in a car crash would be a ridiculous way to go, considering how many people are out to kill them.

"We should stop soon," he says instead.

"Don't be stupid."

Well, at least Aizawa's willing to talk to him. "I'm not. We can't drive all night."

"The longer we stop anywhere, the more dangerous it's going to be." Aizawa scowls at the radio, which is currently hissing out some idol singer's latest. "Not to mention if we stop and then they release photos - the NPA are happy to let them kidnap people, they'll be fine with providing ID of us as soon as Raito asks -"

"Then we should stop while we still know it's safe. You look done in."

"I've had enough of your concern for my welfare, all right?" Aizawa snaps.

For god's sake. Ide doesn't want another fight, but he lets Aizawa see his contempt for that remark before he turns away, stares out of the window at the dark banks rushing past them.

They've said pretty much nothing since the discussion this morning. Ide tells himself he prefers it that way, he doesn't need people having a go at him for trying to help, but the silence filling the car has left him with lots of space to think about their situation and how bad it is. Oh, and to listen to NHN, and to the constant clips of Eriko's plea that keep getting repeated. Aizawa's gone paler and paler and once or twice Ide thought he was actually going to lose it right then and there, do a U-turn in the middle of the motorway and start heading back the way they'd come. He didn't, of course, but he spoke less and less and so Ide and Matsuda found themselves not speaking either.

_We just have to deal with it. Nothing's happened yet. Nothing really bad. _

Matsuda's sleepy voice echoes over the sound of the engine: "Hey... there's a sign for a hotel..." He sounds almost pleading. He probably wants out of the car and its atmosphere as much as Ide does.

"Come on," Ide says. "Even if we don't stay there, we can get something to eat that isn't freeze-dried."

Aizawa shrugs, turns off the motorway. He slumps, as if he's too tired to argue any more. Ide wonders if now is a good time to have a sensible conversation about their course of action, but quickly rejects that idea. He suspects if Aizawa isn't angry, he'll be despairing. And besides, he's emotional, he's not thinking straight. They can talk about what to do after they've all had some sleep. Assuming things don't get even worse.

In the end, they do book rooms - Ide suspects that Aizawa realises how exhausted he is once he stops the car - and buy food from the cheap restaurant on the other side of the forecourt. Aizawa eats quickly, ignoring them, and, when he's finished, he says, "I'm going to bed," and has walked away before either of them can speak. Ide resists the urge to scowl after him, but his thoughts mutter away anyway: _just so he can take the moral high ground - wants to make himself into a martyr - I'm concerned about all of us, not just myself - _he'd wanted to _help - _

Without Aizawa there the silence should feel less oppressive, but it doesn't. Although it doesn't help that it's probably too risky to make small talk. Ide eats without tasting the food, which is overcooked and salty. Matsuda is picking at his meal, pushing it round the plate. He looks worn out, worn down, and certainly like he didn't sleep at all last night.

"You're not a child," Ide says at last, more for something, anything, to say than because he cares.

Matsuda shrugs. "It's the driving all day. It..." He doesn't bother to finish the sentence, just pushes his plate away. Then, abruptly, he says, "Look, I... I'm going to have a drink. You can - you can go on up if you want."

_Oh, I see, you think I'm scum too. _Being rejected by _Matsuda _of all people stings more than it should. God, he really has been spending too much time on this case.

"A drink sounds good," he says. "I'll join you."

This is stupid. They can't really afford to waste the time, the money, or the thinking faculties. Not to mention every second they're out in public is another second where someone could become suspicious of them. Aizawa would think they were both idiots -

_Yeah, all right, have a go at me for wanting to sort this out rather than putting up with it - _

Except he didn't, he didn't just want to _sort it out, _he only took the papers out of a half-formed sense of paranoia that they'd regret separating themselves from the notebook, he said before that using the notebook would be wrong and it _is, _it's just - if you've got no choice - Aizawa won't be able to take this for long, and for god's sake if Takada does try and push him she must know he might retaliate this way? Ide could do it and Aizawa would be furious but he wouldn't be able to say he wasn't happy with the outcome -

Matsuda has returned with their drinks. The stuff is cheap and sour and no better than the food was, but it's warm and slightly satisfying at least. Ide drinks and finds himself wondering what it would be like to get up from the table and then collapse and die of a heart attack, sprawled across the cheap, faintly stained carpet. Bright lights and unfamiliar faces and - the certain knowledge that this was it, that it wouldn't matter how fast an ambulance arrived or what a doctor did, you were going to die and that was _it - _

He can't tell if he suddenly wants to get the papers out and scrawl Raito and Takada's names across them or if the idea of touching any part of the notebook makes him feel sick. Either way, he wishes he hadn't started this thought. He downs the remains of his drink and gets to his feet. "Let's go."

He expects Matsuda to make a crack about people being boring or whatever, but Matsuda doesn't; he just looks up, resigned, like Ide just called him out on some mistake he knew he couldn't get away with. A few more desultory sips, and he gets to his feet.

Outside it seems even colder; their breath clouds around them, and mist has built up around the streetlights. Matsuda is still silent; walking a little way ahead, his arms wrapped round himself. Ide is annoyed to notice reality receding a little, like it sometimes does when he's drunk, like nothing really matters and nothing he does will make any difference. Normally it only happens after he's drunk quite a bit more, but doing nothing all day but sit in a car seems to be killing his appetite and he was sleepy and paranoid enough as it is. _Get a grip. Just get a grip. _If you drank enough, you could probably forget what you were doing when you wrote down a name. As far as he knows, none of the Kiras took that route. Still, perhaps if you've decided to use the notebook, you owe it to your victim to at least off them while coherent enough to know exactly what you're doing. The method of murder is so easy, you can't get much better, so you'd have to be a real coward to want to get plastered still -

Their room is different from last night's and yet, of course, the same in all respects: thin, pressed sheets; flat-pack furniture; regular squares on the ceiling. Chilly, as well; the battered radiator in the corner turns the air around it lukewarm. Matsuda hurries past Ide and sits down on one of the beds, kicking off his shoes.

"I'm... I'm really tired," he says. "I think I'll just... just sleep. If you want to watch TV or something, that's cool, but I'm just going to... to..."

Ide knows that they _are _both tired and that discussing the situation won't make them feel any better and Matsuda doesn't _have _to make conversation with him, but the drink's evidently confused the adult part of his mind enough for him to snap, "If you think I'm a psychopath for having those pages, why don't you just come out and say it?"

"I don't think that," Matsuda says, too loudly.

"Just can't bear to say a word to me. Hey, I can swap with Aizawa for tonight, you two can spend the whole night discussing how morally reprehensible you think I am."

Matsuda doesn't answer; he just stares at the floor, picks at a loose seam on his jacket. Ide wants him to argue, or even to agree, so that he himself can put across his point of view and prove to everyone that he's not some kind of murderous lunatic and he was trying to _help, _that's all, just because he thought of taking the pages doesn't make him no better than Raito, it doesn't - but Matsuda just keeps quiet and that makes Ide even angrier.

"You're such a hypocrite," he says, and his voice sounds harsh and vicious. "You admitted you support Kira. You pretty much thought he was right, it was just because of the Chief that you stuck around." Matsuda still doesn't answer, and Ide carries on, "Or is it because it's Raito? If it were anyone else you'd be happy to let them die, but Raito's different, Raito's _special -_"

"Leave me alone," Matsuda says. He sounds angrier than Ide has ever heard him but so what, why should Ide be the only one feeling pissed off with the world?

He says, "And Aizawa thought _I _was trying to push important decisions on to other people."

"You didn't ask me what I thought! And if I'd told you, you'd have just called me an idiot anyway like you always do!" Matsuda is shaking. "I don't care, all right? You can do what you like. I don't give a damn what happens to Raito. I don't _care._"

"Liar. You want him dead just as much as I do. You shot at him enough times back at the warehouse, did you really think none of those were going to be fatal?"

Matsuda draws a breath like the air's been knocked out of him, and Ide can feel his heart thumping, he could say _anything _now he's feeling like this, but he is sick of no one backing him up. After a few seconds Matsuda stammers, "That wasn't - and I _didn't _kill him, I didn't want to kill him - and so what, anyway? I said, right now I don't even care -"

"Why don't you just admit it? You don't want him dead because you still want him to be your friend. At least Aizawa is trying to take the moral high ground."

Matsuda's head snaps up and he says, voice shaking, "That's not true."

"Yeah, right." Ide is wishing he hadn't said it - it's a stupid remark, the sort of thing a high school girl would say. But he's not backing down, he's not going to be in the wrong, not this time. "You don't care about the _morality _of it all, you just want it to be that Raito's a good guy. That's why you kept going on about - about giving ourselves up. You actually want to see him be _merciful._"

Matsuda is on his feet suddenly and he is shaking but he doesn't seem scared, he is _angry, _and he locks eyes with Ide and then all at once he's saying, "You - you want Raito dead? Why don't you go ahead and do it?" Gasps for breath between each sentence. "I'll be on your side so we'll - we'll outvote Aizawa and save everyone - why don't you just kill him? He _deserves _it, doesn't he?"

Ide feels triumph roar through his veins and he is reaching to his inside jacket pocket and he - he _will, _just - just to prove -

_What the hell are you __**doing?**_

He thinks he's going to throw up, so _close, _so fucking close - how easy it would have been to scrawl down a name just to win an argument, for god's sake -

Matsuda's gone still, and so pale he looks like he might actually faint.

"Don't -" he says at last. The words are shaken out of him. "Stop - I didn't mean it - oh, god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it -"

"I'm not going to." Ide can hear his own voice sounding unsteady. If he'd just lost his temper for a few more minutes...

Matsuda doesn't seem to hear him. He stumbles forward, closes the gap between them. "You were going to - I just said it because - you were actually going to do it - I didn't _mean -_"

"I wasn't! I just... I was just..." His own voice trails off. _I was just going to do it to piss you off. _That's even _worse _than wanting to kill them before they kill you. That's - god, what the hell is wrong with him? How could he have even considered being so stupid?

"I know, I know..." Matsuda's voice is high and unsteady. "It wasn't... you didn't mean... we were just... I was just mad with... I just wanted to show that..." He sounds shaky enough that Ide puts a hand out to him in case he is actually going to keel over. Matsuda grabs at it and then suddenly he is right up against Ide and he is _kissing _him.

It's so bizarre, and it follows something so unexpected and horrible, that for at least a couple of seconds Ide doesn't do anything, just stands there (scared, just wanting to cling on to someone, needing not to be on his own -)

Of course almost immediately his brain catches up with events and he jerks back and snaps, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Don't you..." Matsuda's voice trails off. "I just thought maybe it would - help."

"Why? Why would it help _anything_?" Ide is angry now - this is probably some stupid romantic _thing _Matsuda saw on TV and wanted to, to try as a joke - like they don't have better things to worry about, like lack of romance is at all important right now - "You don't just go round _doing _that!"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, I just... I just misread stuff. That's all." Matsuda tries to laugh, but it doesn't work. "Just forget it -"

"No, that doesn't explain it at all. What _stuff _could you possibly misread?" Ide feels hot and embarrassed and stupid and still sick from almost writing down a name and he's almost tempted to walk out of the door and spend the night in the hotel foyer. Or punch Matsuda just to make sure someone else feels worse than him. Although Matsuda already sounds worse than him, desperate for his own crazy version of normal.

"Well... you know," he's saying now, "you're... like that, so I thought..."

Ide has to wonder if he's dreaming this. Either that or his colleague has actually snapped under the strain of the last few days.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've never had a girlfriend!" Matsuda's folded his arms, is huddled away, but he snaps the words back over his shoulder. "You've never dated anyone and you don't even seem to _notice _girls, you even _said _- and you're, what, nearly forty and you act like you've never going to get married -"

"I didn't notice you keeping tabs on my entire romantic history to date," Ide begins, and then stops, not sure what else to say. Generally, he _doesn't _notice girls. Women. Because he's got more important things to think about, like work or whatever.

He doubts mentioning this to Matsuda will help the situation. Matsuda probably can't conceive of a situation where work takes priority over _anything._

"Well, why _aren't _you married, then?" Matsuda says. He sounds like a more overtly spiteful version of most of Ide's immediate family, a comparison that's irritating and ridiculous in equal measure. On the other hand, he isn't family and so Ide can snap back, "Because I haven't met the right person yet!" and not have to worry about sounding overly defensive. He _is _being defensive. Matsuda is pretty much insulting him to his face! "And, in case you'd forgotten, I've spent the last six years trying to hunt down a serial killer!" _Whom we just nearly killed. _No, he doesn't want to go back to talking about Kira. "Anyway, if your love life's so much better than mine, why exactly _did _you just make a move on me? It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you."

"Because - I don't know."

"Oh, for god's sake. You must have some idea."

"It beats hiding in hotel rooms and watching NHN and thinking about how we're all going to die, all right?" Matsuda slumps down on the bed again, directing his words to the floor. "_You _wouldn't know this, but making out with people is actually kind of fun. Or it's a distraction, anyway." He looks up. "I wasn't... I wasn't laughing at you because you don't have a girlfriend or whatever. I just always thought... I didn't think I needed to ask."

He actually sounds like he means it - or even if he doesn't, Ide feels reassured that they now both look equally stupid.

"Well," he says, "it might have been advisable to check first."

"I _know, _all right? I messed up and I'm sorry but I wasn't trying to... it wasn't... oh god, Ide, don't tell Aizawa, seriously -"

"Of course I'm not going to tell Aizawa!" Ide comes to sit down on the other bed, rests his head on his hands until the nausea at the thought of Aizawa finding out about this has faded. "I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't talk to people about things like that." He can still feel the print of Matsuda's mouth on his. He sort of wants to rub it away. It's distracting, more than it should be.

Matsuda doesn't answer and Ide suddenly feels sorry for him. It can't be much fun to proposition someone and have them yell at you. Even if Matsuda was an idiot to think anything would happen. He can't work out how the other man would even picture the two of them - being intimate. It's a completely ridiculous idea, and he's only considering it at the moment out of fascinated curiosity about how it would even work. He still feels too hot, too jumpy. Matsuda's right, anything beats being alone with your fears right now.

"Well... have you done this before?" he says.

"What, kissed people?"

"Kissed - kissed men, you idiot."

Matsuda shifts, stares back at the floor. Ide decides to take the silence as a _yes. _

"Right," he says. He's tempted to ask who Matsuda might have kissed, but figures that will rather undercut his own assertion that he doesn't talk about stuff like this. Not to mention that if it turns out to be someone they both know, that will be _two _people he can no longer look at in the same way.

Assuming he ever makes it back to home and to work and has the luxury of awkwardness at other people's romantic interactions being the biggest thing he has to worry about.

The curiosity from earlier is growing, in line with the usual awareness that he might well be dead by the end of the week. In his head it's like he's remembering something Matsuda never said: _it must suck for you, knowing you'll never have a great romance now before you die. _And it's not even true, he doesn't want _great romance, _he thinks it's stupid, but... he's spent his entire life being sensible and controlled and - _normal, _and this is his reward, to die of a heart attack, quite possibly after some lunatic's done his best to make him give up a few key pieces of information? _It's not fair _is a ridiculous retort to anything, but it's true. He would never normally even _think _of responding to Matsuda's suggestion, because it would be stupid and embarrassing and inappropriate - but where has avoiding stupidity got him, now? He is so _sick _of trying to be responsible...

"If... if you want," he says, his mouth suddenly dry, _oh god, what am I doing, _but at the same time _go on, just say it, just - _"I mean... I'm not interested, but... if you do want, you might as well... seeing as we'll both be dead in a few days, what the hell does it matter?"

Matsuda's head snaps up and he stares through the darkness.

"But it goes no further than this, all right?"

"All right," Matsuda whispers, and gets to his feet, comes to sit next to him.

For a moment Ide thinks he's being expected to be the one to act and he is suddenly appalled at what the hell he thinks he's _doing - _but the next second, Matsuda is kissing him again, and any determination to behave sensibly is disrupted by the recollection of how strange kissing is, not least because of how it makes him warm all over. And the warmth tingles in his skin and damn it, this might never happen to him again, and so he pulls Matsuda close, wanting to feel someone else all over him, and Matsuda sighs happily and kisses at his throat, which Ide doesn't think anyone's ever done to him before. It should be annoying, like being tickled, it _is _annoying, but it's flickering breathless annoyance that stops being something negative the stronger it grows.

At some point Matsuda breaks a kiss to scramble more onto the bed and Ide moves out of the way of his feet and they end up lying down, lying against each other, and Matsuda's hands, no longer chilly from the night air, are clutching at Ide's back and then at his shirt and then, hesitantly, up under his clothes. But by this point Ide's realising how much he is getting out of this and how he will be more annoyed with Matsuda than he has ever been before in his life if it stops and, not thinking now, just wanting, just doing, he presses close, trying to shake off the warmth, scratch an itch, and on the edge of his consciousness he notices Matsuda's arousal and somehow the realisation that his colleague is finding this at least somewhat enjoyable, isn't just doing it to humour Ide, sends a shudder of triumph through him - that things are different, that there is no earthly reason for him to be doing this, that right now nothing can stop him making them both feel good. This is ridiculous and unnatural and completely out-of-character for him, but right now he doesn't care.


	4. Advance

Nightfall has not helped Gevanni's tiredness. While it was still light, he'd managed to coast on being so tired he felt more alert than ever, but now he knows it's only a matter of time before his body's going to force him into actually sleeping, no matter how much he doesn't want it to.

Mikami has spent the preceding hours huddled in the passenger seat, staring numbly out of the window. Gevanni tried speaking to him a few times, but Mikami didn't seem even to hear. Which makes Gevanni even less keen to fall asleep in front of him.

He's thinking if he heads for rural areas, he might be able to park the car somewhere isolated and sleep there for the night. That doesn't solve the problems of Mikami and hypothermia, but it's the best idea he's got right now. Which is yet another reason he wishes he could sleep. All he can think of to do is run, wait to be hunted down, and that pisses him off (but in a faraway, dazed sense, because he's too tired for anger by now). Still, he can turn off the freeway, start heading down darker, narrower roads, it's a start, it's an objective at least -

"Gevanni-san."

Mikami's voice is flat and very quiet. Gevanni tries to make himself sound awake and calm as he says, "Yes?"

"May we stop by the roadside for a second? I need..." He trails off, hunching his shoulders a bit.

"Oh - sure." Fair request. It could be that Mikami's going to try and make a break for it, but it isn't as if Gevanni can refuse to halt the car ever. Besides, it would have made more sense to flee in a place where there were other people, information - not on the side of an anonymous road in the dark. _If I shot you here, there'd be no one to help you._ On the other hand, it isn't as if Mikami is in the most rational frame of mind right now.

They pull over, park in a layby. Mikami clambers out of the car, walks over to the bushes nearby. Gevanni gets out as well, relishing the chance to stretch his legs and get the smell of the car out of his nose. Every so often traffic rushes past, strobe-lighting them with headlights. Like that's all there is, endless driving on endless roads until you forget whose side you're meant to be on. God, he needs more sleep. Mikami is walking back to him now. Headlights. The man's face is drawn and sallow, eyes staring dully ahead, coverings of his wound the same yellow as his skin in the lights. "Gevanni-san. May... a little longer?"

"Okay."

On the side of the road it feels very empty, like they're in a place that's not joined on to the rest of reality. Cars rush by every so often, but it's hard to believe there's anyone in them, that they're not just part of the scenery. Gevanni takes a deep breath of chilly, fume-filled air, makes himself feel the frosty ground under his feet, hear the rustles in the grass. He is on a freeway in Japan and the entire country is looking for him and he needs to stay focused. Hey, his parents, Louise's kids, they'll probably have heard about what's going on, right? They'll recognise his name. _You screw this up, _he tells himself, _you'll be dead, just like she is, you don't get immunity because you're the hero or whatever, you will be dead, how many agents have already been wiped out in this case? And it's not like Kira will give a damn about wiping out all someone's kids - _He's trying to scare himself because if he gets scared he'll get angry and then he'll make himself _do _things, make himself cope -

Mikami has wandered over to the edge of the verge, stands watching the road. Hiss of another approaching car. Gevanni wonders, too late already, if his passenger's going to try and alert the driver, if -

Mikami is diving forward, a cut-out shadow in the headlights.

_Shit!_

Gevanni is running over frozen ground, and the darkness is thick like soup as he struggles through it, and the car's brakes screech -

He grabs Mikami's arm, wrenches him off the road, sending them both falling to the ground. The car rushes past them, the beep of the horn fading away as it vanishes.

Beneath him, Mikami is trembling, and his breath is coming in fast, harsh gasps. Gevanni picks himself up, keeping a grip on the other man, and snaps, "What the hell did you think you were doing? You could've been killed!"

Mikami is in darkness now but his voice is shaking with rage and misery, "Why didn't you let me? Why could you not just leave me alone?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry I tried to prevent you getting hit by a speeding car! For god's sake!" Gevanni can feel his hands trembling and the cold air seems to stick in his chest. "I'm not a sociopath, I - for god's _sake -_"

"Forgive me," Mikami chokes out, "I should have warned you, I - it would have made things easier for you. I don't... I don't understand why - why didn't you just let me do it?"

Gevanni thinks he gets it now. There aren't many reasons why someone as methodical as Mikami would do something so reckless.

"Shall we go back to the car?" he says, as gently as he can manage. "Then you can explain to me. I don't quite get it, at the moment."

"You'll listen?"

"Of course I will." He gets up, helps Mikami to his feet. The cold is gnawing at his hands now. "We've got time."

Back in the car, he puts on the overhead light. Mikami is staring numbly ahead, eyes wide, lips drawn back from his teeth a little.

"Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Gevanni says.

Mikami doesn't answer.

"Were you doing what you thought was right?"

"Of courseI was. I was doing what _was_ right." Mikami shivers suddenly, wraps his arms around himself. "Whichever way I look I cannot - and if I trusted a false god then I deserve to die." His hand goes to the dressings on his throat. "If I felt strongly enough to do this before, then I must have... I must have done something terrible. I wouldn't choose to die unless I knew that by remaining alive, I was only benefiting the evildoers."

"But what makes you think that you're doing that now?"

"I don't know what is right any more," Mikami says, blankly. "I think you're lying to me, Gevanni-san, but I don't know how or why. The chance of making a mistake is too great, do you see? The best way to do right is to die."

"Why do you think that? Mikami-san, you -"

"To aid a false god is to prevent the return of the true one," Mikami says impatiently. "If I make the wrong choice... and I can't... right now, I can't trust myself not to."

Gevanni swallows.

"How do you know that this isn't a choice your god has presented to you himself?" he says. "He... he could want you to redeem yourself. Surely someone as - as aware of right and wrong as you are is more useful as a devotee."

"Then what should I do?" Mikami actually smiles a little. "You tell me that to contact Takada-san and offer my help to her would be the wrong choice, but you are forcing me to remain with you. You've told me I can trust you, but I have no more proof of your righteousness than Takada's. You -" He swallows, his face growing blank again. "You have told me you count me as a friend, that you know I will make the right choice. I don't think you... I don't think you realise how much of a temptation that is. I - I _must not _let sentiment stop me from serving God."

(It was a necessary lie)

Except that it wasn't, not totally, this entire situation wasn't _necessary. _Gevanni never set out to play mind games, it wasn't revenge of any sort, he just - gambled -

"I don't think you will -" he begins, but Mikami cuts in, "No, please don't consider me less of a sinner than I am. I should trust Takada-san. I have spoken to her on many occasions. I know her well. I do not remember ever talking to you before we left the hospital. But you talk to me as if you... as if you are concerned for me. You swear that you like my company." His voice is very quiet now. "I couldn't give that up. That's why it is better for me to die."

Gevanni hears himself blurt out, "But that's not -" and then he just stops. For god's sake, Mikami has killed hundreds of people, tried to kill Gevanni, aided in killing Near, but Gevanni never intended to drive him to suicide. It's not revenge, it could never be revenge, but he still wouldn't want questions afterwards - comments, suspicions, veiled mentions of _his bereavement - _

"If you want to help," Mikami says, "why don't you tell me the truth?"

Gevanni stares at him, his sleep-deprived mind racing, trying to come up with a plausible cover story. Perhaps it is just the lack of sleep, perhaps it's that he can't think of something which wouldn't prevent Mikami making an escape at the next available opportunity, perhaps it's that the lying's leaving a bad taste in his mouth, but instead, he says, "All right."

Mikami's face doesn't change, but Gevanni can see him tensing, just a little, and there's no way this can end well, but damn it, if Mikami would rather die than travel with a liar - Gevanni is supposed to be sticking close to Mikami, that's how it goes -

"The person you went to meet in the warehouse was Kira," Gevanni says. "You allied yourself with the real deal. But Kira isn't your god."

"Yes, he is."

"No. Kira is a human and he's flawed and when it came to the crucial moment, he failed you. He failed you and he failed himself and we were going to arrest him when Takada's people showed up. You tried to kill yourself because you knew he wasn't your god."

Mikami is silent for a few seconds. Then, swallowing, he stammers: "I don't... I don't believe you."

"I didn't think you would, but this time it really is the -"

"_No!_ Kira is punishing the wicked and he can strike them down, he knows who should be punished and he cuts through them like - everyone who _should _die _does_, how can he not be God?"

"Let me finish!" Gevanni hears himself yell it, his voice loud and stupid in the darkness of the car, and he's trembling like he wants to hit out. Mikami goes still, stares at him.

"If - if he's your god, how come he let you get arrested? How come he had to run away? He was bleeding everywhere, he completely lost it - do you remember that? How come you tried to kill yourself? You wouldn't do that while there was any chance of still serving God, you know you wouldn't, so what made you take that step?"

"I don't... I don't remember." Mikami shudders. "Why don't I remember? If what you're saying is true, why don't I know it's true as well? What's wrong with me?" His hoarse, broken voice is getting louder, and he's shaking. That loss of control helps Gevanni get a grip on his own thoughts, and he forces himself to think logically. (You can't give him too much information.) It isn't as if he wants Mikami finding out about weapons that can be used to judge the wicked. But on the other hand, maybe it's best to give the impression he's passing on significant amounts of information, that he's finally stopped lying.

Not to mention, if by some stroke of luck he gets out of this alive, that will probably mean Mikami being held accountable for the murders he's committed. You could argue there's a moral duty to start laying the groundwork for this.

Or perhaps it just is that, in his current state, he doesn't think he'll be able to keep the details of a lie straight for very long.

"What did you do to me?" Mikami yells at him.

"I didn't do anything! _Look_ - as I understand it, Kira got in touch with you because he saw you at a Sakura TV rally. He wanted you to act as a decoy for him, take the blame for his acts, and he knew that you believed he was God, that you wouldn't kick up a fuss. He passed on responsibility for judging criminals to you."

"I - _I _judged the wicked?" Mikami gasps.

"You murdered hundreds of people, yes." Gevanni squints at him through the darkness, hoping to see a sign of repentance, horror; even just apprehension. But of course, there's nothing. Mikami is still trembling a little, but Gevanni can just make out a smile on his face.

"I was... I was God's hand... struck them down... I judged..."

"_No! _You were manipulated by a psychopath who wanted to set himself up as a god!"

"Prove it!" Mikami yells back. "You hated Kira, you admitted it! Kira asked me to help him and gave me the power to judge. Nothing you've told me makes me doubt him so far!"

"All right, how about this, then? You'd come there to kill me and everyone else involved in looking for Kira." Gevanni doesn't care about holding back information now; he's just sick of Mikami's blind, ridiculous loyalty. "You tried to kill all of us, and you know what? It didn't work. The power failed you because we'd got there first. We'd planted a fake weapon instead of the real one you needed. You stood there waiting for us all to die and nothing happened and neither Kira nor you could do anything. Then we arrested you, we took the weapon off you and handcuffed you and your god didn't do a thing to stop us."

"That - that proves _nothing_! All it shows is that you're a sinner and a, a criminal and you have been all along! And it - it can't be true, anyway. I would have remembered something so - like that!"

"It's true," Gevanni says, "because of the weapons the two of you had been using to kill. We took them off you and we destroyed the one you'd owned. A side-effect of that is that the owner loses all memory of ever having had the thing and everything connected with it. Seeing as you've been using it to kill for weeks, it's not surprising your memory's full of gaps."

He expects Mikami to disregard such a crazy story, but he doesn't; he seems to calm a bit, nods: "Oh. Oh, yes... of course, then you could not be detected by the evil ones... of course it would be set up that way." Then, nervously: "Can I... will the memories come back?"

"No, I don't think so. As I understand it, you'd get the memories back if you got the weapon back, but it's destroyed, so... so they're gone for good."

Mikami goes very quiet. Gevanni takes the opportunity to start the car again, pull back onto the road. He's calming down now, the anger replaced by the usual post-shouting-match emotions; embarrassment, faint suspicion that perhaps you aren't _entirely _in the right. Still, things can't get much worse, can they? Well, they can, but Mikami hasn't trusted him an inch since they met, so no real harm's been done. Except for Mikami trying to throw himself under a car. Oh, hell.

"Yes, I lied to you," he carries on. "We never spoke before all this started. I was following you to keep tabs on you, and then when Takada broadcast my details I needed to keep you with me."

"Why?" Mikami is pale and he's picking at the dressings on his throat, but his voice is quiet again.

Gevanni shrugs. "I didn't want you talking to hospital staff about things you did remember. Or to Kira. He'd only make you trust him again, after all. Not to mention he'd -" He stops. No need to tell Mikami about the Eye deal. "You're a resource we don't want him to have."

"But now you have me to guard," Mikami says. "You haven't stopped to sleep because you're scared of what I might do to you. I've been mentioned on the news, and with - with this -" Shadows shift as he indicates his wound. "People will recognise me, and then they'll capture you."

Gevanni doesn't bother answering.

"Are you scared I'll tell Kira where you are?" Mikami carries on. He sounds tired, and hopeless, and like someone discussing a puzzle they don't really care about. "But you just keep running, at the moment, and you haven't told me where you're going. You could stop now and let me out, and then you could keep going on your own."

Gevanni snorts. "Is that what you want? To get dumped on the side of a freeway in the dark? Not to mention it's freezing out there."

"I'm not... I'm not making a request so much as I'm trying to understand why you're insisting on keeping me with you."

"I told you, because I want to keep you away from Kira!"

"But why is that worth so much trouble to you? What would I do that means you have to risk this? I... I have no power to judge anyone at the moment."

Gevanni can't think what to say. He's pretty sure spelling out _you're a murderer and need to face justice _isn't going to help the atmosphere. But Mikami is already continuing, "I... I want to know why I am here. And - and what you're going to... I mean, when this is over..."

"It may not end up being _over_. If they hunt us down, I'll be dead and you'll get to go back to your god and throw your life away for him again."

"And if that doesn't happen?" Mikami says coldly. "If you destroy Kira and the world returns to the sinful mess it always was? Then what happens to me?"

Gevanni stares ahead. The road feels almost like it's moving on its own, like him and the car aren't doing anything. Mikami's not stupid. Hell, the guy is a top-class lawyer. He knows as well as Gevanni does that there's no way the crimes he's supposed to have committed can be brought to trial. Gevanni tells himself there isn't any need to spell it out, but a small, bitter voice at the back of his mind says, _it's not like any of his victims got a fair trial either, is it? I know that better than anyone -_

"I don't understand what you want from me, Gevanni-san."

_So you're just doing this for revenge? Even though it's making things harder for you?_

"I don't _want _anything from you." He sounds defensive. "I'm keeping someone I know has murdered a large number of people in custody and stopping him getting in touch with the guy who's trying to kill me. The fact that you saw the bastard for what he was and you decided you'd rather die than keep helping him is irrelevant, mainly because I know you don't believe me." He wonders if that even was the reason for Mikami's suicide attempt; the guy could've just chosen to act as a distraction in a typically extreme way. But it's not like anyone's ever going to know the truth of that. "Look... if I end up surviving this, I'll do my best to help you. If you flee now, my colleagues and the Japanese task force will assume you're still on Kira's side."

"Why would you assume I'm not?"

"Because he _isn't your god." _Gevanni tries to sound sincere rather than frustrated. It's not easy. He feels almost like he's talking into darkness, like the darkness is absorbing his words and there's no one else listening at all.

"So you've said."

"Look -" If this doesn't work he isn't sure what he's going to do, and he doesn't know why he's so desperate to stop Mikami returning, he's forgetting already what he was originally thinking - just - _if I wanted revenge, I'd let him go back - Yagami will take his lifespan for the Eyes and then probably stick him in the firing line when it suits - _"If Kira's your god, Kira will triumph, right?"

"Yes."

"So, if you remain here with me, and he triumphs, that proves it. Then I'll be dead and you can go back and pledge loyalty to him and all that... and all that stuff. If you remain here with me and he _isn't _your god, then you've avoided making the same mistake twice, becoming a - a follower of a false god. And I'll know I can stick up for you, I can explain to people how you just wanted to do good and were lied to. Whereas if you go back, aren't you risking a hell of a lot more if he turns out to be false?"

A long pause.

At last Mikami says, "You will let me listen to everything Kiyomi Takada says. Anything on the news."

"Yes."

"If I realise Kira is the true god and I should return, you will let me go."

"I - all right. I won't take you back, but... but I won't stop you leaving."

"You won't tell me more lies."

"I'll do my best not to."

Mikami nods. "Then I'll remain with you while I... while I still... need to think." His hand brushes his throat again.

"Swear by your god."

"What?"

"Swear by your god you'll remain with me while you're unsure," Gevanni says, feeling as if he's wrenching the words out of a deep black pit inside himself. "And - and that you won't hurt me or kill me, or yourself. And that you won't contact anyone else, or take control of our journey while I'm asleep. I want to keep out of Takada's way. If - if you want to leave, you can go. You can walk away and neither of us will... I mean, it's a truce."

Mikami is silent for even longer this time, and Gevanni wonders if he's pushed him too far, but at last the other man says, "I swear. I swear in God's name."

"Thank you. I..." And he fully intends to carry on talking, but when he looks into his mind to see what words are there, there's nothing. And when he comes back to reality, Mikami is talking, he is saying, "Gevanni-san, you need to stop and sleep. You have to."

"I'll... I will." Shit, did he just doze off for a few seconds? The shock of that makes him jittery, slightly more awake - awake enough at any rate to pull off the freeway, park on a deserted stretch of road. Stop. His hands are trembling a little.

"I can remain in this seat," Mikami says. "I have things I want to think about."

Gevanni nods, takes the keys out of the ignition, crosses round to the back seats. Stuffing the keys into an inside pocket, he does his best to run through anything he needs to keep hold of, keep an eye on. He probably forgets something, but in the end, when he's sprawled out on the seats, breathing in the smell of upholstery, feeling as if he's sliding slowly backwards into the dark, he can feel the keys and his gun digging into his ribs, comforting in their awkwardness. His last conscious thought is to wonder why Mikami didn't elicit a promise from him to be let go if Kira lets him down.

ooo

Matsuda is back at home. He went back home because he realised he forgot his phone, and he needs it because otherwise they'll find him. He thought he'd be able to sneak in on the subway in the middle of the day but when he gets to his apartment block, the woman from the ground floor apartment is there, and she starts shouting at him because he didn't tidy up before he went away. He tries to explain that he had to go in a hurry but she just keeps yelling at him that he's just no good, he's just lazy, until he yells back at her to shut up, and shoves out at her. And then everyone else is coming out of their apartments and horrified at what he did and he tries to explain but then he remembered he was supposed to be sneaking in, and it's no good, everyone's seen him, someone will call NHN and just like that, he's ruined everything -

And somehow the terror tears open a gap in the world and he's lying flat, he's, he's opening his eyes, and the room is dark and still. It was a dream. The room is dark and still and next to him, half-over him, breath tickling his neck, is Ide, breathing slow and rough.

Matsuda feels his heart still pounding, quick and loud in his ears, and feels almost as if it should be waking Ide it's beating so fiercely.

_It was a __**dream**__, you idiot. Nothing to worry about - everything's okay - really -_

Except that they _are _on the run and he _will _be killed if anyone recognises him and he _did _proposition a male colleague last night and made himself look so stupid that he shrivels up inside a little just thinking about it now. Thought he was the experienced one, the, let's say it, the _cool _one, had always enjoyed how Ide could never make him feel really small because there was always romance as a comeback - and what happens now? _Can't get anything right, look so desperate - _

Except that Ide had gone with it, in the end. Matsuda almost wishes he hadn't because now, if anyone else ever finds out, it won't just be all _I was drunk and kissed him but I was just really confused, _it'll be _I made out with him and got off on it and he let me just because he felt sorry for me. _Of course maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe Ide was more scared about what had happened before that, about them almost writing down Raito's name, and wasn't able to think properly, had been shocked enough not to have the energy to pretend he didn't like making out with guys. But no one is ever, _ever _going to know about them almost writing down Raito's name, so it doesn't help.

Matsuda turns his head, spots by the time on the TV that it's about five a.m. Normally he welcomes extra hours in bed, in the warm, but, but he can tell he's not going to go back to sleep now, his thoughts are pacing up and down and he feels kind of sick and kind of hungry and generally too aware of reality. If Ide were awake then...

If Ide were awake then they'd have to talk to each other. Yeah.

_It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you?_

_Shut up, _Matsuda thinks at him, _give it a rest, you weren't any better, you liked it as much as I did and - _he was just _scared _and _tired _and sick of thinking about Raito hating him and so, so sick about what they nearly did -

_Why is it bothering you? _his mind is whispering. _If Ide wrote it down, we'd all be safe, we could go home - it's the only way out, you know it is - _

Matsuda hears himself breathe in sharply like he's just stubbed his toe and is trying not to yell. He's not going to think like that. He's just not. Aizawa _said, _if they write down Raito or Takada's names they'll be just like them. So that's it. They're going to do the right thing and... so something will help them out, if you do the right thing then you get to go home...

Except that he knows how stupid that is. He knows how childish he's being. And he has an awful feeling that really, there are only two options. Kill Raito, or give themselves up. And - and he _can't - _

He can't think about this any more. He sits up, tries to ease himself away without disturbing Ide. He thinks he's got away with it when suddenly Ide shifts, rolls over a bit. Matsuda jumps, but Ide doesn't scowl at him or even seem bothered by where he is, he only mumbles, voice dry and far away, "What time is it?"

"Five a.m. I'm going to - go get some fresh air, okay? I'll come back - wake you in an hour -"

Ide mutters something that might be _Sure, _and pulls the covers over himself again. Matsuda dresses in the dark, trying not to walk into anything, and steps out into the corridor. The lights are on, as they've been all night. It makes him feel weird, like perhaps it _is _still last night and he'll run into himself and Ide walking back upstairs, before everything suddenly got even worse.

A sudden blow of anger at himself, like someone's hit him in the throat. _How can you fuck up this badly? _Just for a moment, then it goes. He swallows, and hurries on down the stairs. The building's silent, just the hum of heating. Like people breathing. Like the entire place is full of sleepers and it's just him out here and he's actually safe for once. He knows that's a stupid thing to think, he knows you should never assume _anything _is safe, but it would be so good to believe it. It isn't like he knows what he'd even do if someone did suddenly appear and accuse him of being who he is.

He's downstairs now. No one on duty. The dining room is locked and empty, floodlight from outside falling on bare tables. The air's chilly down here, so it's probably even colder outside. Not to mention he'll look suspicious standing around in a car park doing nothing. There's a battered red sofa in the corner, a table with an ashtray and some newspapers, and he sits down and then he sees the computer terminal and the sign for Internet access.

It's something normal to do, plus it's something that the other two would think was a waste of time. And so he walks over to it and switches it on. The monitor is big and all white plastic - it reminds him of computers at college, or at his first job. That's comforting, too.

He starts off by checking the news sites, figuring if he doesn't do it first then it'll just feel worse when he finally gets up the guts. NHN is still filled with appeals and photographs of Kiyomi Takada looking concerned, and of Aizawa's wife crying in the NHN studios. The other sites are careful, trying not to say anything anti-Kira about what's going on. Many are carrying news of murders and armed robberies and vandalism, and at one point Matsuda finds himself looking at a graph demonstrating the sharp rise in crime since 28th January.

It isn't like what they're doing now is even helping people. All it's doing is saving the lives of a bunch of criminals whose lives don't deserve to be saved, isn't that it? Matsuda knows as well as anyone that when you do the wrong thing, you usually know it's wrong because everyone is mad with you and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble. Raito is smarter than any of the task force, and L and Mello and Near were just all obsessed with wanting to win. Raito is doing what _he _thinks is best, and Matsuda knows the guy is crazy but... _how do we know we're - how do we know we're not meant to be - _

Raito is _screaming, _clutching his bleeding hand with white-knuckled fingers, pain tightening his face, and the smell of blood and smoke sticks in Matsuda's throat. _Kira is righteous! __**Kira is needed!**_

Matsuda wonders what would have happened if he had done what Raito said, turned round and shot at the SPK, at Aizawa and Ide and Mogi, at Near. They'd probably have shot back. Either way, he'd end up dead. And he wasn't going to think about that. Raito was trying to kill Near, that's a definite, and would have killed everyone else too. And killing people is wrong. That's the _point. _And you can't start asking questions like this now, not in a hotel foyer even if there is nobody else here, the point is that stuff is how it is now and you just have to deal with it, you just have to _cope_.

All at once, he'd rather be back upstairs having to talk to Ide about what they did last night.

He makes himself breathe out, slowly, and, clammy-handed, he navigates away from the reputable news pages and over to the biggest Kira-supporter site. You get a lot of lunatics posting there, and reading through usually reassures him that he's made the right choice after all. Well, sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't - he reads horrible posts in which someone describes cleanly and simply what someone did to them and how Kira squashed that someone out of existence and Matsuda always thinks _well, you would, wouldn't you, someone who did that, people like that, who don't care, they don't deserve to live - _

At the moment, of course, there isn't much of that. All the most recent posts are, tangentially or explicitly, about him. On one thread, people are sharing sightings, which makes him jump so that the chair creaks, but when he reads through it looks like no one's actually picked up on them. A lot of people are still looking out for four Japanese and two Americans travelling together, or are posting about people they know who have similar names, or are claiming to have spotted Hal Lidner on her own, probably because she's the only one with a confirmed identity. And there are probably loads of message boards like this, loads of people trying to come up with something to say. It's practically impossible that anyone would pick up on the truth, even if they were spotted. But there are calls for hotel staff and motorway toll station operators and railway workers to come forward and speak out and keep their eyes open. Matsuda finds himself glancing around the shadowed lobby, looking for someone watching, someone working out why he's looking at the things he is. Of course, there's no one there, but he still feels like someone's standing just behind him, just out of his line of sight.

He carries on browsing, trying to think of this as objective observation, police information-gathering. The site is so well-known as the place for Kira supporters that there's constant trolling, argument, and rambling rants from people on one or the other side of the issue. Right now even most of that is about him. _Hey, I'm famous at last! _Except it's not actually that funny_. _He keeps scrolling down, and now he's just skim-reading, only vaguely registering the constant repetition of his own name sitting in the middle of a list, as if people are trying to kill him by writing it down wherever they can - they know it, everyone _knows _it -

And then suddenly not. His surname, but _Matsuda _followed not by _Touta _but by _Akihiro. _His father's name. The commenter is one of the religious nutcases going on about the sins of the parents being visited upon the children, but they've left a link to a newspaper article. Matsuda clicks. It's just another summary of the situation. Except that in the second-to-last paragraph, there's something else. _Akihiro Matsuda, father of one of the fugitives... _They're going on about how he's in the NPA too, making it sound like this is suspicious on several levels, like the entire organisation is corrupt or something. Matsuda pictures his dad reading this sort of stuff, knowing that people are talking about him, spreading rumours, and he's about to hit the back button until he sees the quote ending the paragraph.

_"I am concerned for my son's safety. I cannot comment on what he is said to have done, but I think he is at grave risk of being attacked by vigilantes, rather than receiving a fair trial as is his right as a Japanese citizen. Takada-san should be ashamed of her attempts to whip this country into hysteria, and I sincerely doubt Kira would want us to descend into mob violence. _

_"I believe that the police do not have a moral duty to hunt for these people until they have been fully appraised of their crime. To my knowledge, this has not been done."_

_The families of the other accused were not available for comment._

Matsuda stares and stares and rereads until his eyes ache. He may have said to Ide that he thought Dad would be pleased at being proved right about the dangers of the Kira case, but that was kind of a joke; he knows Dad will in fact be furious at how much his younger son has messed up this time and how he could have _avoided _this if he'd only _listened _and been a bit more _mature... _They'd gone past actually talking about the Kira case and Matsuda's involvement in it by this point. Dad had called him at New Year's, ostensibly to send good wishes, but when those good wishes are given in the form _hopefully this year you'll be a bit more sensible and try thinking ahead for a change _you know what they really mean. Matsuda likes New Year's normally and he didn't see why he had to put up with Dad trying to ruin it for him, even if he _was _spending it working, so he dared to reply _Hey, I'm hoping I'll be a hero by June! You shouldn't be so quick to write me off, you'll want a share in my glory when the time comes. _He knew it would piss Dad off and it did; his father had snapped at him _you really don't have a clue about real life, do you? For god's sake - _and then rung off, as though he'd been about to say something even more grumpy.

And okay, in private Dad is _still _probably grumpy and will be all _you idiot, how could you let this happen, _but he's said to a bunch of reporters that he thinks this is wrong and hasn't even said once that it's Matsuda's own fault he's in this much trouble. And Raito knows Dad's name and face, has always known it, and it's _obviously _stupid to speak out on the record against Kira and Takada and Dad doesn't do stupid stuff, _that's my area, _and, and _damn _it, he can't break down now, not here -

All at once, he's actually tired. He closes the windows, shuts down the computer again.

The next hour or so passes in a sleepy blur of cold water and dawn light and black coffee. When they're in the car, Ide's driving; Aizawa, still looking exhausted, is slumped in the front passenger seat. Matsuda tells himself that he doesn't care, that he'll get to stretch out and sleep in the back. Suddenly he wishes he had said something to Ide about last night, even just _we were real idiots, huh? _But Ide had looked tired too and they'd both been busy getting ready and then they'd met up with Aizawa and the opportunity had been lost.

They've been on the road for about half an hour when at last Aizawa sighs and says to Ide, "You checked the news?"

"Didn't get time."

"I did," Matsuda says, trying to keep the satisfaction out of his voice. "I went online."

Aizawa snorts, like Internet-based news doesn't count, but Ide just says, "And?"

"And - and the NPA aren't... they haven't joined in with Takada yet. We're still okay for now." Not that their situation is _okay _by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds better to put it that way.

Ide nods, glances at him in the mirror. Matsuda doesn't want to wait to see him blush or look awkward or just look away, so he turns his head at once, looks out at the banks of wet grass. His heart's pounding again.

"Some police officers are getting attacked," he says, scrambling for another piece of pertinent information, not wanting Aizawa to notice an awkward silence. "Like, Kira supporters who think the NPA should be doing more. Even traffic cops and stuff have been getting trouble."

"They'll give in soon." Aizawa's staring out of the window at the bleached-grey sky. "Takada's made accusations, after all."

Matsuda remembers what his dad said, thinks of a _fair trial, _and, swallowing, makes himself ask, "You think they'll just... hand us over to -"

"What else are they going to do?" Ide says. "There's clearly something going on. And you know what they're like when it comes to Kira. Protocol gets... reshaped, to do what's necessary. The only reason they haven't acted yet is that Kira's held off on killing the top brass."

Silence. Matsuda wants to ask the other two what it would take for them to give in; how bad the threats to family need to get. Or if Raito manages to catch up, _says he'll kill us if... _But then he thinks that that last one doesn't matter. He'll kill them whatever happens. They all know too much, right? There isn't any point in expecting him to be merciful. He needs them dead, and suddenly the smell of the car and the roar of the engine and the feel of the sweat on Matsuda's palms are all swallowed up by the realisation that he's going to be killed -

"The only thing keeping us alive," Aizawa is saying, dull, quiet, "is that we know where the notebook is and he doesn't. That's all."

_Shut up, _Matsuda wants to yell, _just shut up, _like Aizawa's exaggerating or just trying to annoy him. Of course, he doesn't. He stares down at his feet, at his scuffed shoes and the lid of a coffee cup next to them. It seems so _wrong _that there's a world which happily sells you coffee and simultaneously stands back and lets you get killed. He doesn't know why this should be such a surprise to him, but somehow it is.

They stop at a service station an hour or so later. Aizawa gets out without looking at either of them, slams the car door behind him hard. Ide doesn't move.

"You should stretch your legs while you can," he says to Matsuda.

"So should you."

Ide shrugs, and at last he climbs out of the car, and they stand leaning against it. They don't walk anywhere; there's nowhere but the station forecourt and surrounding patches of muddy ground. Their breath clouds in the air. Matsuda remembers being a little kid and pretending to smoke on cold days.

Ide is frowning, but as Matsuda looks at him he glances over as well, and they both look away. Matsuda can still remember how it felt, what they did, what they sounded like, and he understands, now, why getting friendly with people you work with is supposed to be a bad idea. People you've seen being snappy because they're stuck on a report, or asleep and snoring on a sofa, or just - just not caring what you think of them - you can't look at them the same afterwards. You can't act the same. Although with everything going to hell, perhaps he wouldn't be acting the same anyway.

It doesn't matter. It's not going to go any further, that's what Ide said to begin with. It just happened and that's it, because they were scared. Now Matsuda's going to be braver, and so there won't be any more need to do something so stupid.

"Maybe the police won't give in," he says.

"We're not exactly acting like people who've got nothing to hide," Ide says. "And even if we told the police everything, it'd probably only get us killed faster."

"It might -" Matsuda swallows. "Some reporter spoke to my dad. They quoted him and everything."

"Oh, yeah? What did he say?"

"He said he thought Takada was being irresponsible. And... and I should get a fair trial." Matsuda tries to grin, but it doesn't seem funny any more.

"Still thinks you've done something wrong, though."

"Well, NHN keeps calling me a criminal - anyone would wonder, right?" Matsuda wraps his arms round himself; the air's clammy. "But - I mean, my dad's pretty traditional. If he thinks there's something dodgy about all this, then maybe other people would too. Other police officials, anyway. The Chief wouldn't - wouldn't have -"

"What are you trying to say?" Ide says, but he speaks sharply, like he thinks Matsuda's actually come up with something.

"I don't - I don't know. Maybe, just... just - I mean, Raito doesn't want people to know about the notebook either, I bet. He doesn't want people to know that he needs a particular object to kill. I don't know, I just mean maybe we could... if we found a payphone, then we could..."

_Ask for help, _he wants to say, but doesn't.

"It's risky," Ide says. "If we get in contact with someone and they've set up a trace..."

"But if we call Dad at work, then there's no way he'll have let NHN do that. The police aren't involved yet, so - I mean, if there was someone we could trust, then -" Matsuda is suddenly desperate to try, they don't have to kill anyone, they don't have to die, it could all end -

"We'll ask Aizawa," Ide says. "It's his call too."

"I... yeah."

Silence again. Matsuda can feel the air waiting for one of them to change the subject. To say _look, about last night. _But he's not going to be the one to do it. For one thing, he doesn't know what he'd say.

"Why did you feel the need to go on the Internet at five a.m., anyway?" Ide asks.

"I didn't... I just... I just wanted to see what people were saying. Like... people online."

"People online don't tend to say much worth listening to, in my experience."

"I know, but you... get an idea of what people are thinking. And - and it tells you more than the TV does." Matsuda's fingers are cold now. He curls his hands into fists, stares down at the grimy patches of frost on the ground. And all at once he's hearing himself saying chirpily _I'll never betray you, Raito, _and Raito just listened and _stupid, so stupid, why do you always want people to -_

Aizawa returns with three cups of coffee and a faintly truculent expression. Ide explains Matsuda's suggestion - Matsuda wishes he'd presented it as his own idea, but Aizawa doesn't immediately shoot it down, he just frowns, and then, as they climb back into the car, he says, "It's risky."

"Anything we do is risky," Ide says. "But if they trace us to this place, we can, I don't know, we can change our route. We're not aiming for anywhere."

"You think your father would see our point of view?"

Matsuda swallows. "Well... it sounds like he sort of does at the moment." He doesn't say _if he decides we are criminals, he's not going to turn a blind eye. _It's still better than most of the alternatives. Of getting caught. Or of using the notebook.

"You'd better be sure," Aizawa says. "You're the one who knows him best. If it all goes to hell -"

"I don't think it will. I don't."

Ide glances at him, but doesn't say anything.

"All right, then," Aizawa says. "Go ahead."

There's a payphone not far away, round the side of the service station building. Matsuda goes there alone - he can see Ide and Aizawa glancing at him from the car. If he got found out, could he run back there in time? Would they even wait, or would they just speed out of there? Aizawa and Mogi are the ones who know where the notebook was hidden, they're the ones who really need to keep moving -

His fingers are so cold it's hard to feel the numbers as he dials. He memorised a few key phone numbers a while back, because he was bored of all the games on his mobile and he was trying to think like a secret agent. The phone smells of sweaty metal, like coins in your hand. There's a metal shade round it, and the forecourt's pretty empty - the few people who are out are hurrying, not wanting to stay in the chilly air - but even so, if someone stood close to him they'd hear everything.

_Well, I'm just going to have to sound not suspicious, then, aren't I?_

As it rings he thinks about how funny it will be if no one answers, how he'll make a joke and the other two will snap at him, how -

"Akihiro Matsuda speaking."

Matsuda's mouth goes dry. There's no one around; the last driver slams his car door and starts the engine.

He swallows, and manages to say, "It's - it's me. Touta." Stares round at the tarmac, the soggy crisp packets in the long grass, the oil stains. If he sees someone running towards him - _just drop the phone and run - _but what if it's a mistake, what if he gives himself away for no reason -

"You -" A deep breath, then, very quietly, his dad says, "Are you all right? What's going on? What the hell did you _do_?"

"I didn't - I'm sorry - " Matsuda takes a deep breath. "I can explain. I saw they'd quoted you, in the news I mean, and I thought -"

"I want you to tell me what you've done."

Matsuda remembers similar conversations in his childhood, when he'd been caught drawing on the walls or fighting with his brother. He never dared try and bluff it out and lie, or if he did, Dad always worked out that he was lying. This isn't a lie, so it should be easier, right?

"We were trying to arrest Kira," he whispers, turning as well so that people can't see what he's saying. "It went wrong. Taki - Takada helped him escape. We managed to... to get hold of the thing that he uses to kill with. We hid it and... and he and Takada want it back."

Silence. On the other side of the forecourt, Ide and Aizawa are still watching; it's too far away to see their expressions.

"You're in a lot of trouble," his dad says at last.

"Yeah, I _know._"

"Where - no, you don't need to answer that. Why did you call me?"

"I... if, if they get the police involved then... then things will be really bad, right? You'll know who we are. You can track us more and everything. I wanted... I wanted to let you know we haven't - we haven't committed any crime. The - we're trying to stop people being killed. We don't have a choice." That makes him sound like he knew all along what he was getting into, that he's being heroic, willingly accepting the situation. It's completely not how he feels, but Dad probably knows that. And of course it doesn't take into account how he and Ide nearly wrote down a name last night, but they _didn't, _so it doesn't matter, does it?

A sigh. "You certainly don't now." Matsuda waits for the _I knew this would happen, you should have listened to me, _but it doesn't come. Neither, though, does _don't worry, I'll sort this out._

"Do you know why the NPA haven't -" he begins. "I mean, are they -"

"As far as I know, no one's been given enough information that means they should act. A lot of people are assuming that if your faces are released to NHN, Kira will kill you. That doesn't sit well with - some people."

"I'm not asking you to help," Matsuda says. He sounds grumpy, but he knows what he really means is _I'm scared, I didn't mean to let you down, but it wasn't my fault, please, help us - _"I just - we thought people ought to know. I wanted you to know."

"I can't promise anything," Dad says. "But the NPA want information. They won't want to knowingly cause the deaths of innocent employees. I - I'll do what I can, you understand?" Which won't be much and Matsuda feels so stupid that he thought anyone would be able to do anything about this. (But why can't they? This isn't right, so why can't it be fixed?)

"You know I only have your story to go on," his father continues, "but NHN haven't given us anything better. I'll make sure people are aware of that -"

"It was NHN who kidnapped that girl!" Matsuda says, and wants to bite his tongue for not mentioning it earlier. "Takada did it to try and get Aizawa to give himself up. Can't you use that? That's actually a crime -" He tries to calm down, sound at least a little bit competent. "I mean..."

"I can't just accuse the country's primary broadcasting service and home of Kira's spokeswoman of kidnapping, no, if that's what you mean," Dad snaps. "But I can see what investigations are being made into the girl's disappearance. Point out, if necessary, whose culpability might be _suggested._"

Matsuda swallows. "Yeah. I know. Sorry. I... I'm not saying you have to... to do stuff just because I'm family. But... but we didn't do anything wrong." He tries to sound like he's confident about this, but his voice cracks a little. He's not at all sure that _he _hasn't done anything wrong. "I should... I should go, okay? Thanks for... thanks."

He's about to hang up, but Dad has already started speaking again: "Take care of yourself. And - thank you for calling. I've been concerned."

And that's it. There's no _how could you be so stupid _or _this is all your fault _or _you should have listened to me. _Matsuda makes himself say, "Right. Bye," like he's grown-up and normal and then he quickly ends the call before he does something embarrassing like starts crying or begging Dad to make everything okay or... or just something. Scurrying back to the car, the wind ruffling his hair and freezing the back of his throat, gives him a chance to get a grip, and by the time he's scrambling into the vehicle again he may not feel normal but he probably looks it, at least.

"Well?" Aizawa asks.

"He says... he says he'll do what he can." Matsuda stares down at his hands, breathes in the warmer air, which seems to taste of the inside of his mouth by now. "I think... I think he believed we hadn't done anything bad. That helps." _He didn't say it was my fault. _Part of him is ridiculously happy about that, relieved as if it genuinely was his biggest fear. But then the smart side of his brain knows what it really means. That this isn't about anything he's done on his own. That it's bigger than that. And that it's _definitely _not something a parent can fix.

"You know," Ide says to Aizawa, "perhaps we should try making some calls ourselves. We both know there are people who aren't pro-Kira even if they're not coming out and saying it."

"Yeah, but they're definitely not going to want to come out and say it _now_," Aizawa says. "I think we should drive on. Then we can see if that call's brought anyone down on our heads."

After a few seconds, Ide nods, starts the car again. Matsuda stares out of the window as the service station slips away.

One of the other numbers he memorised was Raito's. That'll still be in his phone, just lined up with his friends and family and colleagues and everyone.

Someone who hates you this much, someone who tried to kill you, someone you shot, shouldn't just have had their number in your phone like everything's normal. You shouldn't be able to call them. And you definitely shouldn't be thinking that maybe, if you just talk to them, if you just explain and say how sorry you are, they'll forgive you. You have to keep hating them and you have to know that they're beyond being able to do any good. But right now, Matsuda can't summon up enough anger to manage that. He is, all at once, just scared.


	5. Fracture

Mogi can faintly hear the sound of running water; a door opening and closing nearby. His feet are cold, but he's warm everywhere else; covers tangled round him, and -

And someone asleep on him. Smelling of perfume - a girl - her head on his shoulder, hair tickling his face.

Footsteps coming closer; brief hum as a fridge door is opened. He needs to wake up properly, move, he can't just lie here - but already a voice above him: "Misa. I'm going to work now."

Misa - and yes, he remembers now, and he would move away immediately if it wasn't that they're trying to make themselves look like a guilty romantic couple. Is that why Misa's cuddled up next to him? She's mumbling something that might be _uh-huh, _shifting position a little, brushing against him; he feels like he's blushing, and he's hot enough to want to kick off the covers. He can feel her heartbeat against his shoulder. Fuyumi snorts, carries on, "Don't leave the front door open, don't eat all my food, and just don't - do anything stupid. _Please._"

Misa mumbles something else, rolls over; Mogi feels her warmth move away, and is sorry about that despite himself. The front door slams, and he opens his eyes to see Misa curled up in her futon, to all intents and purposes still blissfully asleep. If he'd made a move on her in his sleep she wouldn't be so calm, she wouldn't have been so relaxed against him just now. So she must have chosen to curl up against him, even if it was just because she was asleep. Which it _was _- almost certainly, and if it wasn't then it was no different from how she clings onto his arm when he takes her shopping. To start reading more into it would not only make the lies he's telling her much worse, it would also really weaken any case he could make about why he chose to travel with her to begin with.

She was small and supple against him, and he'd wanted to stroke her back, just to know how it felt.

He grits his teeth, sits up; his clothes feel musty and crumpled and he knows he could use a shower. But - he glances at his watch - he wants to see the news first, before she's fully awake. Putting the TV on should be all right, as long as Misa doesn't actually witness Takada reading out the names of the accused and noticing her fiance's absence from the list. Is she somnolent enough that he can risk it? He glances over at her again. Her face has got that serious, stripped-down look people often get when they're asleep. She's still got a few smears of make-up at the corner of one eye.

Why did he start this journey with her? Yes, Raito could have gone to her, but... it's difficult to remember, already, that this started with _Raito _being the fugitive. Now Misa is just being used as someone who'll offer protection because she doesn't know any better. He shouldn't... His safety is his own concern, why is he trying to make it hers?

Raito would _kill _her, he reminds herself. If she got in his way, he would kill her without the slightest hesitation. _Just like he'll kill me as soon as he's able to. _And Misa has no idea of that danger. She might claim she loves Raito regardless of any threat he poses, but - but that's because she _is _a hopeless romantic, she wouldn't want to believe he could hurt her. Mogi is protecting her from that, at least.

He quickly turns his gaze away from her and switches on the TV, immediately turning the volume down until it's almost inaudible. Misa sighs, shifts a little, but doesn't open her eyes. When Mogi looks back at the screen, Takada is there. He finds himself thinking that she looks tired as well; her eyes ever so slightly shadowed, her smile a little forced. But she talks all the same talk, and looking at her Mogi can well believe that she's not going to give in before they do. She mentions Aizawa's wife and children again, but no other loved ones. Mogi tells himself that if she had got hold of anyone who'd be useful, she'd be making that very clear. So... so it could be all right. For another day or so, at least. They're not looking for Misa, after all, so Fuyumi isn't going to be on their radar either. Not yet.

It's entirely possible he's only worrying so much about how his behaviour towards Misa will look because it's better than worrying about everything else.

He turns the TV off. Misa yawns, stretches out her arms, opens her eyes.

"You had the news on," she says, sitting up, wrapping her arms round her knees. She isn't smiling.

"Yes."

"Have they... is Raito still okay?"

"I think so. There wasn't anything about anyone having been caught." Except, of course, that what he really means is _no, he's still in hospital, or possibly dead, because they haven't released my face on the news. _But Misa is smiling, bouncing up and down a little. She stops as she looks at him. "Things are okay, right, Mochi?"

Mogi thought he was doing better at putting on a brave face than this. He says something about how Takada mentioned Aizawa's wife, how he's concerned for the family. "Aizawa will be worried."

"It'll be okay," Misa says, patting him on the arm. "Monchichi's really stubborn. And seeing them making her sad, that'll spur him to keep on fighting Kira. Just like with me and Raito." She swallows. "It's - it's easy to keep fighting, when you have someone to love you. Even if they're not with you right now."

"I'm sorry," Mogi has said before he can stop himself.

Misa turns to look at him. She gazes at him for a moment, and he wonders if he looks guilty, if she's worked it out. But her face splits into a smile suddenly, and the normal Misa is back. "I was thinking, you know what we need?" She giggles. "We need clothes."

"I... I suppose we do -"

"We _do, _Mochi. Fuyumi's going to wonder why we don't have any if this is supposed to be... you know, a secret trip we planned." She winks at him. "Not to mention, Misa's clothes are getting all gross and icky. I was thinking, I'll borrow some of Fuyumi's stuff and go and buy us some new clothes, and I'll wash the things we have with us now."

"All right," Mogi says, trying to see potential problems and deciding he hasn't been awake long enough. Besides, if he told her to stay with him, that would suggest this really was about spending much time with her as possible.

"Yay! Misa will make you look _gorgeous_," she says, and points her fingers at him. He feels himself blushing slightly, and, ducking his head a little, says, "Non-suspicious will be fine, Misa." She's silent for a second, and he wonders if he's come across as rude, but then she says, "Well... Misa will go as soon as I've had a shower. I'll write down your size and everything!"

Once she's left the flat, Mogi cautiously gets himself some breakfast - Fuyumi has a couple of packets of cereal which he tries not to take too much of - and waits, taking the opportunity to leave NHN on while Misa's not there. But there's no new information released, and the flat seems too quiet without Misa there. Or, at least, it feels even less like he should be in it.

He's just starting to regret agreeing to her going out - he knows she's capable of staying out shopping literally until there's nowhere left open, and what if she picks up a newspaper while she's there? - but surprisingly, she's back within a couple of hours, bags slung over one arm.

"Tadaa!" She poses triumphantly with them.

"I thought you'd be out for longer."

"Misa wasn't going to pretend like this was a day out," she says, flicking back her hair. "Misa knows this is serious. Besides, Mochi would be lonely, and it's kind of fun hanging out here when _she's _not around, it's like playing house or something." She stops, and then, stumbling: "Did - did anything else happen on the news? I didn't want to look at any newspapers, I figured it would look suspicious if I acted like I cared..."

"No. It's all right."

She breathes out, makes her smile even brighter. "That's - that's really good. Okay, come and see the stuff I bought you."

"How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter," she says, flapping a hand impatiently. "Mochi is helping Misa so Misa will help Mochi." She starts taking clothes out of the bags, holding them up against him. "Okay, it looks like they'll fit. Misa was worried. You're too tall -" She grins up at him. "Don't you find it difficult buying clothes sometimes? Misa had to really hunt for some of these."

"I..." And he doesn't know where the sentence is going, he just opened his mouth without thinking, wanting to be able to talk to her like she talks to him. Suddenly tired and a little embarrassed, like he's been caught laughing at a filthy joke, he says instead, "Sometimes. But I don't go shopping much."

She laughs, and then she seems to realise she's standing there with her hands on his chest. She quickly steps back, and Mogi follows suit, sudden heat all over his skin. For a moment they're both silent, before Misa bites her lip and says, loudly, "Except when Misa makes you, right?"

Mogi wants to smile back at her and say, _Right. _As if they're friends. As if they have in-jokes. And he _knows _he's over-analysing things, he knows that brushing Misa off now won't actually do anything to salve his conscience because the lies will still be there and it won't make the moment they just had disappear, but all the same, he just nods, turns away, saying, "I should have a shower."

"If you leave your clothes outside the door," she says, quietly, "Misa will wash them."

"You don't have to do that."

"Misa doesn't have enough for one load all on her own. Mochi can take some of the new clothes to put on afterwards. Besides... if we have to go quickly, then at least we'll have more clean clothes to wear. People will notice us if we look dirty."

"That - that's true."

"There's still hot water left. Misa was careful." She looks sad and quiet, and so Mogi finds himself saying, "You're doing very well. A lot of girls would have gone to pieces by now."

A proud smile. "Yeah, well, I'm a lot tougher than some people think."

Mogi feels a little better, seeing her smile. He goes over to the shopping bags, quickly picks out some clothes to change into. Misa watches him, giggles. "Don't forget to leave your clothes outside the bathroom. Raito will be cross if he knows Misa's been looking at other men in the shower!"

Mogi feels himself blush before he can stop it, and Misa blushes too, just a bit. He wishes, all at once, that she hadn't said that.

"I won't forget," he says at last, and hastily turns away from her, before either of them can say anything else.

ooo

Gevanni can't get over how much of a difference being able to sleep has made. He's generally good at surviving on snatched hours of rest, but all the same he sunk down into the dark in his head and he didn't wake up again until the sun had risen. The car is cool and clammy when he does open his eyes; the windows are mottled with condensation. He can hear birds, cawing absently some way off. He sits up, and his neck and his shoulders ache, and it feels like the car keys and the gun have imprinted themselves on his ribs, but he can _think, _he can focus. Mikami is still in the front seat - slumped against the window now, asleep - and they're still where they parked the night before, and it doesn't seem like they've been surrounded by NHN bodyguards while he's been out.

He moves back into the driver's seat and calls quietly to Mikami, not wanting to touch him unexpectedly. The other man opens his eyes eventually, glances round at the car as if he's reminding himself of where he is. Then he hunches over, hair hanging down to shield his face like it did in the warehouse.

"I'll drive on a bit and see if we can find somewhere I can buy food," Gevanni says. "Sounds good?"

Mikami is silent. He might just be taking time to wake up. Hopefully. Gevanni starts the car, drives slowly on down the street.

"I need to get clean," Mikami says suddenly. "This is all so dirty, I... I can't go on like - it doesn't fit - I want to go back. Gevanni-san, I want to go back, I want to go home!"

"Mikami-san -"

"I know. I know it - I can't but - it's all _wrong_," Mikami raises his head, stares miserably out at the frosty grass, "nothing is right, nothing is ordered and - God has left me -"

"Calm down," Gevanni says, and slows the car a little.

"I have ruined everything."

"You haven't. I know it's difficult for you. You like things to be the same, don't you? I saw that before."

Mikami breathes out, slowly, digs his fingers into his knees. "Yes. Things need to be organised. Controlled."

"What happens when they're not?"

"Too many... too many things - it - it -"

"You're just giving me the information," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice calm. "Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. You're just helping me understand."

"Things must be ordered," Mikami says, his voice quietening a bit. "God wants the world to be ordered; everyone doing good and being good and then it all fits together. Like - like a pattern. God gives us abilities we use for the good of society and that improves society and benefits us and... and it all fits, do you see?"

"Yes, I think so." _Wish it was that simple._

"When we are clean and ordered we are instruments of God." Mikami takes another deep breath. "I understand what you said last night, Gevanni-san. I have accepted our agreement. God wants me to make the right choice and if - and if Kira is not - I must not fail again, I must pray and know the right choice. But this is so hard. I didn't realise how hard it would be."

"I know. And I'm sorry..." He doesn't know where he's going with that sentence, so falls back on, "It will probably help a bit to have something to eat, though, won't it?"

Mikami shrugs a little, but his breathing is slowing back to normal and his fingers are no longer digging into his knees.

"My mom always used to despair of the world before she'd had her morning coffee," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice light and calm. "We'll find someplace and get some breakfast." He heads back onto the road, glancing every so often at Mikami.

"You don't support Kira," Mikami says at last.

"I... no. No, I don't." It is more terrifying than he'd imagined to hear himself admit it, casually, to this guy he's been trying to remain innocuous to for so long. He swallows, trying to ignore his suddenly dry throat, but Mikami only shrugs, if to say, _it doesn't surprise me that you lied about this too. _

"Why not?" he asks. "You're a law enforcement official. You should be glad at how the world has changed."

Great. He shouldn't exactly be surprised at this question, but he's got away for so long without being asked it that he'd started to kid himself it would never come up. It _shouldn't _come up; if things were normal, it would be as stupid as, _so, why do you think cancer's a bad thing? _But for heaven's sake, there's no point in going down the it's-not-fair route.

Well. Start with the logical points, at least. Mikami will expect them. "I... I don't believe that it's right for one person to - to kill off anyone they don't agree with."

"But it isn't just people who _think differently_," Mikami says, sounding calmer now. Yes, he did expect that answer. He's probably had identical arguments before. "It's people who are criminal by anyone's standards. America carries out the death penalty as Japan does. Kira simply judges all those who would otherwise escape."

The anger's distant, like hearing a faraway explosion. Almost like he's only feeling it because he knows he should be, because he's looking for something to be angry about. He breathes in and breathes out and anger is the last thing he needs right now. _You want to lose it? Have a shouting match with him? Either you'll end up making him feel like he's scum because he hates making mistakes, or you'll make him think you're an idiot who got into this because they were blinded by personal reasons. _Except it feels so fucking treacherous to hide the truth of what Kira did to him, like it's not even a big deal, like he could forget to mention it, and, _she'd be seriously pissed off to hear you write her out of existence, _but she wouldn't, would she, because she is _dead._

(All right, let it go now.)

"Well... not all of them would _otherwise escape_. Like you said, a lot of them were facing the death penalty anyway. And those that weren't...a lot of them didn't deserve to die for their crimes."

A shrug. "Anyone can be pure if they try. I try. Why should other people be judged to lower standards?"

(Don't _rise to it._)

But he says, "Life can be pretty tough for some people, you know -" and he can hear the bitterness coming through in his voice and he knows he's giving into the anger and he doesn't care. But just as he's about to get really passive-aggressive about it -

"Why should other people be so lazy?" Mikami yells suddenly, turning to look at him, eyes so wide the whites are visible all the way round. "I know it isn't easy! Of course I know! But I tried hard. I never stopped trying even when I thought it would kill me. If I can do that, why can't other people? Why do they get to go on spoiling the world and hurting others because they are lazy? Why should we make allowances for them?"

"Hey, I know some people don't give a damn about anyone else's wellbeing, but it's not an either-or thing! You're not either a lazy bastard or a paragon of virtue, people can do something stupid just because they make a mistake." And he nearly says, _you know? Mistakes? Things human beings make? I doubt you would, being a fucking lunatic and all _but at last his brain catches up with his mouth and he takes a deep breath and says, "Look... we probably shouldn't get into a debate about this. We both know where the other one stands, and it's not like we've got much room to get mad at each other."

Mikami sighs, slumps back in his seat.

"I didn't... I didn't mean that I am better than all others," he says. "I know I have sinned just as... just as much but - I care when I have done so. I strive to do better. What Kira is doing is making us all strive. Yes, it's through fear, but that doesn't matter, not when the end result is the world becoming a better place. People are scared anyway." A wary glance at Gevanni. "I... I've offended you. I didn't... I wasn't intending my remarks as a slight on you."

"I know." (Smile. Be the bigger man.) "I'm still not caught up on sleep, I guess I'm a little snappier than usual. I mean..." (You don't think there's any way you'll change his mind, do you? Winning this argument doesn't prove anything.) "I can see where you're coming from. Enough people treat others like shit and then expect to be tolerated for it. I don't like it either." Hell, if it was Louise's husband Kira had wiped out instead of Louise herself, Gevanni would probably have joined Mikami on the other side.

"And did you not join the FBI in order to hunt down the wicked?" Mikami says.

"I don't... I don't know that it was exactly because of that. It was..."

"What?"

"I was..."

Hey, it's a chance to change the subject at least, if not an opportunity to convince Mikami that the anti-Kira lot are human beings too.

"I was at a loose end," he says. "I was at a loose end, my dad had his own ideas about the career path he wanted me to take... I guess putting an application in was something that would come out of left field. I figured it might shake things up a bit, even if it didn't go anywhere."

"You joined the FBI on a whim?"

Gevanni nearly answers, _yeah, but once I made it through the first round, I started relishing the challenge. _Or something else glib like that, but all at once he's too tired to be entertaining, and just shrugs. "It was an odd time." That's standard for _it's an involved story with no real ending which you don't actually want to hear about_, but Mikami simply waits, as though all that matters is he hasn't been given a proper answer yet.

"It felt like it meant something, I suppose. It felt... logical." He didn't mean to use that word - or perhaps he did, subconsciously, because Mikami nods, and says, "It is a good career. A good thing to do."

"Well... I didn't go into it to catch bad guys. Not exactly, anyway. I mean... I'm guessing that's why you became a prosecutor?"

"To punish the wicked. To serve God."

"Yeah... I just felt like... I don't know. It was a system that worked - sort of - and actually did something, and..." No, it wasn't a whim. The application, and the testing, and then the job itself, had all been something he worked on as carefully and tirelessly as he worked on the model ships - back at his mother's house then, lucky, he'd had enough room for the glue and the table by the window - sitting there for ages focusing on millimetres of space and not realising how much his neck and eyes ached until he stood up.

Forging the notebook hadn't been like that. Forging the notebook had been an entire night in which every second he thought _if you fuck this up, you'll be dead and you won't even know you've fucked up until it happens _and yet that had been an extra layer to the challenge, just another layer of logic, and so maybe things hadn't been so different after all. Heck, being in the SPK had been meant to be part of a system that worked, and ensuring Louise's safety would be a byproduct of solving the puzzle. And then she died, and most of the system died, and Near died, and the model ship analogy stopped working long ago. Huh. He'd brought one with him, a ship in a bottle that is, brought it on the _Kira case _of all things, wrapped up in sweaters, and then at some point in the days after so many people had died and it was only him and Lidner and Rester and Near left, he had smashed the bottle and then the ship, quite methodically, grinding his heel down on it, feeling like it was someone else who'd made it. He'd forgotten he'd done that, until now.

"I don't believe you," Mikami says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"If you'd thought that - I mean, that it was a system that worked - you would have remained in it."

"That... well, for one thing, I didn't know then that things were going to play out like this, did I? I figured if someone's slaughtered thousands of people, the FBI are going to continue to make an effort to stop him doing it."

"That's really how you see it?"

"Well... yeah."

Mikami stares at him; Gevanni can see the shadows under his eyes. Eventually he sighs, and says, "Do you care?"

"About - about which part of it?"

"About no longer following the orders of your organisation. Of being apart from the system."

"Well, I could do with some backup right now." He grins, but Mikami, of course, doesn't smile back, just says, "You know that isn't what I meant."

_I know. _But even as he says, "I suppose I don't have a choice..." his voice trails off. It's not like he and Lidner and Rester talked much about their organisation being disbanded by the President. Perhaps by that time they'd all recognised that those who toed the line weren't going to be the ones left standing. That Near and Mello and their rejection, in different ways, of normality, were what was going to end this.

Mikami would say _you wanted to rebel; you wanted to believe yourself to be a lone voice, like L, idiosyncratic and fighting against order and the majority. Your sister had gone against order, had defied the law, and you knew when it came down to it, the majority would champion her death -_

Mikami doesn't say that, of course, although it illustrated exactly why Gevanni's not giving him the full story. Instead, he simply says, "There's always a choice."

"I didn't mean I only stuck with it because I didn't know what else to do. I stuck with it because I think it's right." Or because he wanted to save a loved one. Or just because he didn't want Rester and Lidner and Near to judge him. Or because he liked being part of a small team of mavericks just like in the movies.

Mikami sighs. "I wish you could understand."

"What, about Kira?"

"Yes. If God judges the wicked, that is good." He glances away, then back over at Gevanni; suddenly seeming nervous. "I assume you are not religious at all, Gevanni-san?"

"I... I guess not. I mean, my mom dragged me to church and Sunday School and stuff when I was a kid, but..." _It never seemed like it particularly mattered much, _he nearly says. Like, what was the point of pretending you believed in that stuff when it was obvious in most cases it was people's own natures making them be exceptionally good or, more commonly, exceptionally evil? Human beings were complex enough that you didn't _need _to imagine a God into the picture.

Yeah, and then a god of death had given a killer notebook to some high school student and five years later everyone's gone crazy. _Okay, okay, I get it._

"May I try and explain?" Mikami says, softly.

"Well - sure."

At my high school, people were... unpleasant. There were some... four in particular..."

His voice trails off, just like that, and he swallows, the muscles in his throat shifting under the square of gauze over the wound.

"What, bullies?" Gevanni says. "I know there were some real jerks at my school."

Mikami nods, a short, sharp movement.

"No one... no one could do anything," he says. He swallows. "No one could stop them, and they corrupted others to their side."

"Right." _So high school made him do it? That's what he's saying?_

"They died." Mikami says it abruptly, but as he speaks his mouth fights its way into a smile. "They all died and... after that, everything was all right. Nobody hurt. Nobody scared. I... no one else _could _have stopped them but God. If they had lived, they would have gone on -" His hands are clenching and unclenching on his lap. "Why should you live if all you do is cause pain to others? Why do you _deserve _to live? In... in your line of work, you must have seen people who did terrible things and got away with it. I know I have, sometimes."

"Seen... seen things?" Gevanni says, like an idiot, because he's thinking of Louise's husband again, who'd been so clean-cut, so pleasant, always left a big tip and made you laugh when you were talking to him, who'd got his perfection scarred into even Gevanni's mind so much so that when his sister told him what the bastard was doing to her, for a split-second Gevanni thought - _she might be ill - there's medication for this kind of thing -_

Mikami nods: "There are always ones who escape judgement, if it is only humanity's judgement. And they go on and cause more pain. And don't say that they deserve society's protection."

Louise held it together in front of her kids all through dinner and while she packed and then broke down after they'd gone to bed; sitting on the couch, knees to her chest, _what else could I do? I thought he was going to kill me! I thought it wouldn't ever stop and - _fists pressed to her mouth - _yeah, it's all very well to say I screwed up __**now**__ - he'd have been after me for the rest of my life -_

Earlier than that, when the trial was still going on and she was tired all the time, she asked him - she made a joke about how bad it'd make him look to have a felon in the family, and then, with a sideways glance - _I've got to know. If they convict, are you going to... Okay, you said you wish you'd killed the bastard yourself, typical brotherly rage. But if it was one of those ethics questions, you'd say it was wrong. Wouldn't you? Anyone would. You might be able to understand why I did it - _and she said it like she wasn't sure he could, which stung, they always assumed the other one could _understand _even if they didn't like it - _but intellectually... You'll tell Katy and Anne that what Mommy did was very, very bad. _

He can't remember what he said back. That not condoning her actions didn't mean he'd approved of her husband's; something like that. She'd looked at him, and he thought he could see contempt, but then she'd just shrugged. _Look at me, seeking validation. _And walked away.

"Yeah, I've seen things," he says. "But you can't have it both ways. If they're going down for their crimes, so should the people who _take _them down, if it's outside the law. That's how it works, isn't it?" And then all at once he knows that Mikami's going to say he doesn't agree and then Gevanni _will _say _so Kira killed my sister for nothing _and either Mikami will agree and it will be _true _or he won't and there'll be more yelling. And so he says, "Anyway, just because someone's a jerk at one time in their life doesn't mean they're evil for ever. A lot of people aren't that great in high school. I think it catches up with them later."

"Really," Mikami says.

"Well... I know people used to start on people a lot at my school, and me, I just told myself it wasn't my problem."

Mikami goes very still, and the temperature practically drops a few degrees. Damn it, if Gevanni hadn't been so rattled by his earlier thoughts he would've realised this was a really stupid confession to be making. But he's begun it now and breaking it off will just make him look worse.

And so he carries on, the words damp and slippery in his mouth, "High school was boring. I told myself I didn't need to care about any of it... I was a jerk when I was sixteen. So I didn't... bother." He hears himself laugh. "And besides, if I'd said anything I'd have got it in the neck anyway. Good grades and a passion for model ships in bottles? Yeah, they'd have ripped me to shreds. But they didn't - just didn't notice - I mean - I knew how to keep quiet, and - and so I told myself it wasn't my problem all the way up to senior year."

He makes himself stop, then; he makes himself glance at Mikami again. The man's eyes are widened, but he still hasn't moved.

"Why are you telling me this?" he whispers at last.

"I... I don't -"

"Are you expecting me to be _proud_?" And just like that he's hurled himself forward and Gevanni wrenches the car forward, off the road and they skid to a halt on the hard shoulder. The next moment Mikami is hitting out and Gevanni grabs his arms and wonders how he could have been so stupid. Mikami breaks free from him and one hand catches Gevanni in the mouth, and he tastes blood. (You didn't think, you just didn't think, did you _want _to get him angry?) (Of course you did, just because he managed to piss you off earlier.)

"Of course I'm not!" he yells. "I'm not proud, why would I expect you to be?"

Mikami pulls back, wrenches away from him, spits out words: "Then why are you telling me? Why are you talking to me as if I'll understand?"

"Can I finish? Maybe it'll make more sense when I'm done." Maybe. He puts a hand to his mouth - yup, his lip's bleeding. Mikami sees it, glances away, blushing suddenly as if he's regretting the attack. But he seems to be calmer, so Gevanni carries on, "Looking back on it now it all seems stupid, but... it was different when I was inside it. And then in my last year... I said I was at a loose end after college, you know? It was the same at the end of high school. Just came back after the winter break and... couldn't believe how stupid the whole place seemed. I thought I was pretty smart when I was seventeen, so I figured I was too smart to play the game. I figured I was above it all."

Mikami stares at him for a few seconds. At last, he says, "And?"

"And people got annoyed with me and showed me how I wasn't as smart as I thought, 'cause... because they _could _rip me to shreds, if they wanted. So, I figured it wasn't worth the hassle."

"You gave in," Mikami says softly, but he doesn't sound as angry this time.

"I... yeah."

"Did they leave you alone?"

"I guess... more or less. It wasn't the best year ever, but... it helped that I didn't actually care about the place or the people. And... I was going to go to college. I knew this wasn't going to be for ever."

He's not going to explain how _furious _it made him; how he spent so much of that year hating people from behind a calm face. Because then Mikami will say to him _well, didn't you want someone else to teach them a lesson because you couldn't? _And... he'll _say _that he didn't, that he wanted to solve the problem himself, that it would have only made him angrier to have to see that nothing but divine intervention could have made any difference, but he knows perfectly well that if someone had given him the chance to change things somehow he would have taken it. If someone had dropped a killer notebook at his feet in the school parking lot, can he really say he wouldn't have considered using it to teach all those arrogant bastards a lesson?

Louise was off at college by then, had never known about the incidents of that last year. It wasn't like he was going to bring it up with her. It would've sounded trite. _Of course I know what you went through. _But perhaps if she'd known she would have had more faith that he understood why she'd done what she did. Or perhaps not. Perhaps, like Mikami, she'd only hate him for standing by and watching others suffer.

"But you don't think you joined the FBI to stop evil," Mikami is saying now, calm and rational as if he's the confident young prosecutor and nothing more.

"No, I don't. I think I did it because I wanted to do something that felt out of left field. Prove that things weren't the same all over."

"But they are," Mikami says. "Aren't they?"

_Certainly looking that way. _Gevanni shrugs, rubs at his bleeding lip again. It feels like all the energy he got from a night's sleep has been swept away in this one conversation.

"I should not have attacked you like that," Mikami says, bowing his head a little. "I am sorry."

"Hey, I should've worked out how it'd sound to you." And the confident, calm version of himself, still there even as more and more of the lies and personae get stripped away, says, "You want to go get some breakfast now? I'm too hungry for deep conversations."

Mikami actually smiles at that, nods. Gevanni's willing to bet that the conversation hasn't changed either of their perceptions about Kira, but he wasn't suckered into making any deep confessions, and he can't ask for much more.

ooo

Things start getting worse a couple of hours after Matsuda called his father.

_"We'll be bringing you more of the latest news headlines in an hour. Now, Kira's spokeswoman Kiyomi Takada talks to the nation about Kira's hopes for its future!" _

"I never realised before how they all just keep rolling the same headlines," Matsuda says from the back seat. "I mean none of what anyone's said has changed since we first put the radio on."

Ide is about to say something like _well, I see you haven't been paying attention to current events much in the last five years then_, but then he sort of doesn't want to. Matsuda will only make some remark back like _yeah, but that's because I was too busy doing things like having romances, you know? _Or perhaps he won't, not now.

It's better to stay quiet, at any rate. He's the one driving now, he should be concentrating on traffic.

"It's good if nothing's changed," Aizawa says. "It means Takada and Raito haven't managed to take further action."

"I know. It's just... being on the run's really kind of boring."

Aizawa mutters something rude under his breath, but Ide can't help but feel Matsuda's got a point. All there is to do is stare out of the window at mile after mile of road, listen to vapid radio chat show hosts, and try not to think about the future. They can't even cross off the distance to a particular destination. All they're doing is waiting.

The broadcast is reporting and replaying all of Takada's press appearances in the last twenty-four hours, including her usual nonsense about how everyone should be so grateful to Kira. Ide tunes out, wondering how the hell they got to this point, with a key TV station happy to not only profess their support for a serial killer but encourage the general public to make things easier for him to kill, and then all the other networks chipping in to show how much they agree. What if the world never comes out of this? What if Raito really has managed it? There won't be anything now but hiding and waiting to be found out. He's drifting off into a train of thought about his own long-term survival prospects and what the hell he could do to ensure he has even a hope of seeing his fiftieth birthday when suddenly Aizawa gasps, makes a movement towards the radio as if he wants to wrench it off, and Matsuda is calling from behind them, "No, don't - we should keep listening -"

"- about the rise in crime rates in the last few days?" Takada is saying.

"I think that the police have a job to do, and I'm sure they're doing their best to carry it out."

It's Aizawa's wife, her voice flat and tired. Ide tries to keep his face blank, but already his thoughts are scrabbling around inside his head, _oh god, what's that bitch going to do to her - oh __**god **__- _

"Oh, I'm sure they are as well," Takada says. "But let's face it, Aizawa-san, they're only human, aren't they? They can't be everywhere at once. We saw earlier how many more crimes there have been even after only a day without Kira's judgement. Isn't it obvious that Kira is simply a better deterrent?"

"I wouldn't know," Eriko says. "I don't think about it much."

"Is that because your husband has evidently been an enemy of Kira since Kira appeared?" Takada says, fake-sympathetically. "It must have been hard for you. Wouldn't you like to tell him how much you want your children to grow up in a world without crime and evil?"

Ide glances at Aizawa. The other man is dead white, teeth gritted.

"I'm sure we all know how hard it is when our boyfriends or husbands prioritise other things over us," Takada says, and Ide can hear the conspiratorial smile in her voice. "They might think they're always right, but we know better, don't we, ladies? Many of you listening at home I _know _are wondering how you would feel in Eriko Aizawa's position, having to accept that her husband has done wrong. Aizawa-san, wouldn't you just like him to put an end to all of this?"

There's a few heartbeats' worth of static-edged silence. Then Eriko says, hopelessly, like she's half-asleep, "All I'd like is to know my family are safe. _Please, _Takada-san -"

Takada cuts across her: "Well... in an NHN exclusive, I can reveal that your daughter's kidnappers have sent us a recording of her voice. We're going to play this now, and perhaps it will get through to your husband where you've failed."

Ide expects a lisping message, Kira's truth from the mouths of infants,but there's nothing so trite. Instead, there's just the sound of a little girl sobbing, her voice tired and raspy_._ The sobs occasionally give up words. _Mummy. I want my mum._

Pathetic, he tells himself, manipulation, such a cliche, but that doesn't help. As the recording ends, he can hear faint gasps and sniffs; Eriko crying. "It's all right," Takada is saying gently. "I understand this is extremely painful for you."

"_Fine_!" Eriko is actually shouting it now. "I'll say it, I - just make this stop! Please make this stop! I know it - but -" Her voice wobbles, but then, with an audible effort, she carries on, "Shuichi... she's your _child_! She's your child and they're going to kill her! Oh, _god -_" and then her voice breaks up into sobs.

"And as Kira's spokeswoman," Takada says, "I will do my utmost to get that message to the people it needs to reach. In the meantime, we'll be bringing you up-to-the-minute news of the fugitives and keep broadcasting Kira's words. I'm Kiyomi Takada, and -"

Ide has turned the radio off before he can think.

"They won't," Matsuda says. "They can't kill her, the police would be down on them for sure. And you said they'll want to -"

Ide looks round at him, shakes his head; Matsuda swallows, stops talking.

"Put it back on," Aizawa says. His voice is very still, very even. "We need to keep track of what's going on."

"But -"

Aizawa wrenches the radio back on; his hands are shaking.

"We keep going," he says, sounding like he's struggling for breath. "We call their bluff and keep going."

"We -"

"I said we keep going, all right?" Aizawa yells. "She's my kid, it's my call! We just go on like we already are!"

So they do. Ide tries to keep his eyes on the road, but it's difficult not to keep glancing at Aizawa, who's clearly this close to losing it completely. In the end Aizawa actually snaps at him to stop staring, and he does try, but even keeping his eyes on the road he can hear his friend's shaky breathing. _We call their bluff and keep going. _What if it's not a bluff? What if Takada starts having fingers sent through the mail or something? No, NHN have got to keep Eriko compliant, surely if there was actual evidence they'd hurt her child then she'd bail on them, refuse to make any further pleas - or would she just break completely, say whatever NHN told her to? She must know that if Aizawa does what she's asking him, he'll be dead. Surely if they actually do anything to the kid, Eriko will tell them where to go, point out this way at least her husband survives? But perhaps it doesn't matter if she does. If the child is killed, Aizawa will lose it, he'll go back, or kill himself to get Takada to leave his family alone -

At seven p.m. - no further news, just repeats of the earlier appeal, the crying - he pulls off the road get fuel both for themselves and the car. For a number of reasons he doesn't want to leave Aizawa and Matsuda alone together, so he says to the former, "Come with me, I'll need a hand."

Aizawa scowls at him - _yeah, I know, _Ide thinks, _you don't need any sympathy - _but climbs out of the car.

The shop is warm and seems too bright and busy after the darkness of the car. Ide finds himself blinking, and seems to see the road scrolling past his vision when his eyes are closed. He stares at the coffee machine, tries to follow the instructions. If he killed Takada, if he wrote in that she died after letting any prisoners go - but what if it didn't work? What if she'd set things up so the people guarding Youko Aizawa wouldn't listen or whatever? Or, she could let the kid go and then someone else in NHN could pick her right back up again. And if it _didn't _work, if Takada just died of a heart attack, then Youko would still be trapped, and there's no way Takada wouldn't have set up some kind of contingency plan for her death anyway...

He carries the coffees over to the counter; Aizawa has picked up some snacks, packaged sandwiches. Above the counter there's a TV, and Ide realises, after a second, that it's playing a news channel. He doesn't want to look at it but there's a certain fascination in staring, in hoping that it'll stick with broadcasts about faraway wars and corrupt politicians, that it won't -

_Fugitive's wife suicide attempt on televised appeal, _scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

There's no sound, but onscreen Ide can see a TV studio with an NHN logo across the wall, a crowd of people. Takada is standing apart from them, watching the chaos. The camera zooms in on her face for a moment; her eyes are narrowed, but as she realises she's being filmed she blinks, bites her lip. The text keeps scrolling. _Kiyomi Takada promises NHN's support. Police turn up no leads in kidnap... _Ide can't bring himself to look at Aizawa. He'll react, somehow, he'll give them away. Maybe he hasn't spotted it? Maybe if Ide stops looking at it, Aizawa won't notice -

But it doesn't matter. There's a guy and a girl in the queue ahead of them, chatting away. "God, so rough on her," the girl is saying, looking up at the screen. "I reckon I'd off myself if it was me. I mean, her husband's screwed whatever happens, right? You'd feel so bad." She picks up the can of Coke her boyfriend or whatever is paying for, opens it, takes a gulp. "I'd feel so bad if I was supposed to be some kind of honey trap. You see it? Miyuki was watching it at the time, she called me like right away. She said it was with a razor blade. _So _rough on her."

Ide still can't look at Aizawa. _Please not this, not this on top of all else - _and fury at Eriko, too, doesn't she understand that this isn't just about her, her family? His thoughts remind him that he's hardly been putting what's best for the world above what's best for him, but he manages to ignore them because he's fighting to keep his face blank as he pays for the gas and the coffee, not daring to look at the cashier either. Aizawa is very quiet, his breathing heavy. Ide almost drops the change he's given, grits his teeth as he waits by the glass door. Aizawa is paying now; Ide can hardly raise his eyes from the floor, the guy will give himself away, or they'll see the cashier glancing at them, frowning -

Outside it feels even chillier now apart from the coffee cups warm against Ide's hand. He tries to focus on that, but as Aizawa catches up with him he has to say, the words sticking in his throat, "Let's just get back to the car, okay?"

"You knew," Aizawa says, and his voice is wrenched out and hardly sounds like his at all. "You _knew -_"

"We can talk in the car." Ide wants to sound reassuring but, as usual, he ends up irritated. Whatever. They climb back into the car without anyone rushing after them and once out on the road no other vehicles follow them and Ide keeps driving, managing not to speed.

"What happened?" Matsuda says from the back seat. "Did we get recognised? What happened?"

"Aizawa's wife tried to suicide live on NHN," Ide snaps.

"Oh, god... Is she - will she be okay?"

Ide flicks the radio on, moves from station to station. Why isn't there another news report? They're always blaring it out when it's about hunting the three of them down, why is it suddenly just music and insipid chatter now? They're back on the motorway; that's comforting, at least, being one of a stream of anonymous cars that could be going anywhere. Aizawa gazes at the radio, swallowing, his face sallow in the lights from above rushing over them.

As NHN tells the story, Eriko Aizawa smuggled in a razor blade when she was making another appeal to her husband, and slit her left wrist in a desperate attempt to assuage the shame her family are currently suffering. As others tell the story, she prefaced her action with the words _this is for Shuichi and Youko - and for Kiyomi Takada - _and is now currently stable and recovering in hospital. It takes about an hour to piece this together, from half-heard news broadcasts, moving from channel to channel. Throughout it, Aizawa just sits, staring at the radio, looking numb and sick.

When they've heard the second version on three different stations, none being NHN, Ide finds himself relaxing a little, realising that his arms ache. He turns the radio down, and changes lane.

"Where are we going?" Aizawa says at last.

"I'm -"

"We need to go back."

Ide feels his heart sink. "I don't think that's a good idea -"

"Don't patronise me," Aizawa says. "She's got nothing to do with this, so why the hell should she be the one to die for it? If I'd been thinking, I'd have -"

"What? Given yourself up, got us killed too, handed the notebook straight back to Kira?" Aizawa starts to speak but Ide can't bear to hear him say _yes _so he carries on, "If it was that simple, why the hell did you stick around all these years? God, we could have made things so much easier for ourselves -"

"That's not what I said." Aizawa looks like he might actually throw a punch this time. "You - how dare you talk like -"

"Well, talk some damn sense then!" Ide knows perfectly well it's not Aizawa he's really angry at, that he just doesn't want to hear Aizawa say that's it, he's done, but that doesn't help calm him down. Aizawa's meant to be the stubborn one, he's meant to be able to get a grip, to be able to cope - _they've got to him, _he finds himself thinking, _they've got to him and so what hope do any of us have?_

"Will you let me actually finish a sentence?" Aizawa says. "I'm not turning myself in to NHN and I'm not going to tell them where the notebook is! But they'll keep hounding Eriko as long as I'm on the run, won't they? She did what she's done because otherwise they'll just keep on at her to get me to give up. So I... I need to change that. You two can take care of yourselves..."

His voice trails off, which confirms to Ide that his suspicions are correct.

"I need you to... to drop me off somewhere where..." Aizawa stops again. "Not all the way back to Tokyo, just a place where..."

Silence for a few seconds. More lights rush over them, edges rippling. Matsuda has leant forward; Ide can just feel his breath.

"You can't," he says at last, and he sounds childish and miserable and he swallows, tries to put some strength back into his voice. "You can't... you think that's what she wants? You think she was trying to get you to kill yourself in her place?"

"I think she's tired of being told she has to choose between my life and Youko's!" Aizawa snarls. "I think she was looking for a way out of having to pick! I left her in the lurch with that decision to make and she's done _nothing - _I just left her in the firing line -"

"It wasn't -"

"No! We all know we're none of us vital to the Kira case, we never were! It just needs someone to stand up to him and a goddamn super-genius to have the ideas! Now, if I die it'll get NHN off Eriko's back and probably get Youko safe too, and you two won't be any worse off. So drop me off when we next get somewhere, keep going, and _stop making this difficult._"

Ide takes a breath - it hurts the back of his throat - and tries to force down the resentment that he's _not _just making stuff difficult, he's trying to help - he's got to be able to think up some argument that's not just _you've done nothing wrong, you're probably the best person of the three of us, you shouldn't let the bastards get you killed_. Aizawa's not thinking straight, he - it's so _stupid, _and - _why are you doing this? Why are you - __**caring**__ so much? _It's a ridiculous, childish question, but he's asking it anyway.

"Well, what about her?" he says at last. "How do you think she's going to feel if she - when she finds out she drove you to this?"

"That's not what's going on -"

"She'll think it is." Ide can feel his heart pounding, sharp stabs catching his words. "She said she was doing it for you, didn't she? She meant to - to take herself out of the game so you could carry on." He has no idea if this is true or not, but Aizawa hasn't shouted him down yet, so he continues, "That's why she made the attempt on NHN - not in a hotel bathroom or whatever - and now, everyone's seen her do it, haven't they? So she's showing she's not going to carry on guilt-tripping. It was a calculated move." Maybe he's actually right about this. Eriko Aizawa has always seemed relatively intelligent, so if she'd really wanted to die, or severely incapacitate herself, she'd have made a better job of it. Of course, it's entirely possible she had no _want _in her mind at all. But if that's the case, isn't Ide doing her a favour, stopping her husband taking an unnecessarily permanent step in response to one person's moment of despair? Oh, hell, he doesn't know, all he knows is there is no way he is driving Aizawa to the nearest town and leaving him to jump off a bridge or whatever.

Aizawa hasn't answered. When Ide glances over, the man has turned his face away; his reflection is pale.

"She thought if she were _dead, _that would be removing an inconvenience for me?" he says at last. "She thought I was desperate to keep hunting Kira and the only thing in my way is her?"

"She knows that taking Kira down is important to you, is all I meant."

"Important I'd ask her to sacrifice herself to the cause, evidently!" Aizawa actually rests his head in his hands; Ide wants to say that that isn't what he meant, he only meant that obviously Aizawa had been putting his heart and soul into the case for years and Eriko wouldn't want him to die for her instead, but he can't say that out loud. His mind rattles around trying to think of some other argument, some way to save the situation, but it's Matsuda who cuts in, says, flatly, "No, that's not it. She knows you love her, is all. She knows it would hurt you to see her sad. That's why Takada got her on NHN in the first place."

Aizawa turns round to look at Matsuda; Ide keeps his eyes on the road and his mouth shut. If Matsuda's romantic claptrap works where actual logic has failed, then fine.

"She doesn't want anyone to die," Matsuda says; he sounds dull, almost angry. Jealous, perhaps? _Idiot. _"She doesn't want to keep having to hurt you. And she doesn't want to make you get killed. Taki can't make her keep going on NHN now. Or... or if she does, it'll make people say it's mean."

"And Youko?" Aizawa says, but there's little of his usual truculence in his voice.

"Well, that's why it wasn't a... a dangerous suicide attempt," Matsuda says. "So she's still alive to make sure the kids end up okay."

Aizawa sighs, but he slumps, and he doesn't ask where they're going. Ide drives on through the dark, not daring to speak, or to stop, in case it gives Aizawa more stupid ideas. In the end it's Aizawa who says, "We should stop for tonight. No point in keeping going when there's nowhere to get to."

"Are you going to -"

"We'll all get some sleep," Aizawa says, in a no-discussion voice, "and review the situation again tomorrow, okay? Now just... just come off at the next junction."

Ide catches another glimpse of his face in the window. The furious determination from earlier is gone; now there's just unease. Whether or not Ide and Matsuda are right, Aizawa can't take any decisive action, not now he's got doubts. If something awful - well, more awful - happens to Eriko or the children now, Ide's going to feel like scum, but he can't keep going with this journey if he keeps worrying about what _might_ happen.

They stop about half an hour later; a small town and a house which advertises rooms for holidaymakers. Ide doesn't like the lack of anonymity, the fact that their hostess (who looks like her main role in life is being someone's mother) smiles and greets them and asks them where they're heading. Of course Aizawa's in no state to make up a plausible story and Ide realises he just didn't think of it, but Matsuda comes out with all this stuff about how they had to make an unexpected detour on their business trip after _Aihara-san _had a family bereavement. Whispers quietly that _it was his son, you know, he - _until Ide snaps at him to stop going on, terrified the man will contradict himself sooner or later. But the woman looks genuinely saddened, and tells them several times if there's anything, anything she can do... Aizawa actually thanks her like he means it. Perhaps he's just glad to have someone offer sympathy rather than tell him it's his fault his wife tried to kill herself.

Sitting down, in the warm, Ide finds himself forgetting, for a bit, what the situation is and how much danger they're in. The woman cooks them food which is better than any of the stuff they've had since leaving Tokyo, and they're the only people at the guesthouse so there's no one else to worry about eavesdropping. He sleepwalks through this calm, but as he finishes eating, memory starts rising underneath the peace, and his heart hammers again, as if just by forgetting for a bit he's doomed them all - _did I keep my mouth shut? Am I sure I didn't give something away - what's our story meant to be, Aizawa still looking like hell - _

They're welcome to stay down in the main room, she says; there are newspapers, TV, she's happy to make some tea - but if they'd prefer to sleep - Ide is half on his feet before she's finished the sentence, stammering out something about how he's so tired. Matsuda scrambles up after a few seconds like he's missed a cue, but Aizawa says, flatly, "Tea would be good -" and then, not looking at Ide, "I'll see you two later."

Ide's instincts are yelling at him to insist, that if they split up that will be it, someone will say the wrong thing, but he can hardly make a big deal of it. Aizawa's got a plausible cover story for why he looks so drained - hell, he could passably use it if he reacts to more news about Eriko, could say it reminds him of his own family, his own loss - and Ide desperately wants to be out of the way, unobserved, even if he suspects sleep's not going to be achievable tonight.

The room is small, mat-floored; futons are rolled up to one side. Ide stands staring hopelessly at them, it all seems too difficult even to unfold them, and it's Matsuda who creeps past him and starts preparing the room for them to sleep in.

"You look tired," he says, abruptly, back to Ide, as he works.

"Yeah. Well. I haven't -" He's about to say _haven't been getting much sleep, _but his stomach lurches as he remembers why he wasn't getting much sleep last night. Matsuda goes still for a second, then carries on, voice too loud, "It'll be okay. He'll - he'll be okay. He just... panicked, you know? I always thought he wouldn't, but I guess he's just like the rest of us underneath. Or like me, anyway. Not - not that I'd know what it feels like, having someone who..."

Ide feels like there's some response required of him, but he has no idea what it is. He sits down on the floor anyway, near the door, and pretends he's interested in the corners of the room, the lamplight. Looking at Matsuda, even when they're not facing each other, is making him remember too much, that Matsuda pressed close up against him and Ide was ridiculously aware of this, that his skin had tingled like he'd been caught in the rain. There'd been noise, involuntary gasps and half-sentences. He'd talked like - like the event had been nothing more than the culmination of long-held hopes. While the entire country is searching for them and Aizawa's loved ones are being threatened and driven to suicide on national TV, Ide was groping a colleague like - like some - god, he doesn't even know. He always assumed workplace affairs were cliches made up by bored writers. If anyone knew, they'd hardly believe it - or they'd be incredulous that he could be so - so _weak - _so useless as to seek comfort in sex rather than actually do anything to get them out of this situation.

Usually, when he's ashamed of something he's done, he reflects on it for a short while and then shoves all the negative feelings away, telling himself he's learnt his lesson, he won't be so stupid again, and now he should forget about it. But now he finds himself arguing back - at himself, at Aizawa if he were ever to find out, at everyone who'd laugh at him for pretending to be so responsible - _I'd like to see you do any better! Why should I give a damn about what anyone thinks, at this rate I'm going to go down in history as a criminal anyway. _Doesn't matter that he toed the line, did what was right, only got into this damn case to help a friend who's being hounded to death himself because of it. He'll die and then they'll broadcast news of his death as a joyous event on NHN.

When it comes down to it, it doesn't _matter _who he might or might not have kissed - there's nothing he can do to change the reputation Raito and Takada have decided to give him -

He is so angry, almost as if he's learning anew the truth of what's happened, that he can hardly breathe. And he is tired and scared and even Aizawa's bailing on him now, wanting to take the easy way out, and - he is thinking, over and over, _I deserve something good, I deserve something that isn't a complete nightmare _and perhaps it's that or perhaps it's just spite, trying to show that he doesn't care what anyone thinks, or perhaps it's he'd rather not be the person who can't stop any of this and couldn't protect Aizawa from the pain Takada's putting him through and won't even be able to stop him dying if that's what he decides later. He'd rather be someone else. Someone who kisses whoever he wants.

"Matsuda," he says, before he can change his mind, because then of course Matsuda looks round, warily, and says, "What?" and so Ide _has _to say something. What he actually says is, "I want..." and then, "Aizawa might not come up for a while yet," and then, "You certainly seemed to enjoy it well enough last night," snapping it as if he's already been turned down. He realises the next second how humiliating it will be if Matsuda _does _turn him down, but the other guy frowns, and then, shifting to come and sit next to him, says, "I thought you said it... it wasn't going to go any further."

"And it won't." He's tense now, nervous excitement thrumming through him, and that galvanises him enough to lean in, awkwardly attempting a kiss, because Matsuda is capable of debating the issue all night. Thank god, Matsuda works it out before they concuss each other or anything, and Ide feels the rage and resentment channelled into this, and the fear no longer alert for anything more than footsteps coming up the stairs.

When he does hear that, he makes himself push Matsuda away even though it takes all his strength to do it. And so when Aizawa walks in, Matsuda's over the other side of the room and gets up almost immediately mumbling about asking Sato-san because he can't remember where the bathroom is. Aizawa doesn't even roll his eyes or shake his head at Matsuda's assumed cluelessness - he hardly seems to notice either of them at all - and that makes Ide feel sick and so he prepares for bed and assumes sleep as fast as is convincing and, once he's lying in the dark if he thinks about Matsuda and Matsuda's mouth against his and how Matsuda shivered and twitched against him then that's no one else's business. It isn't like there's any _point _thinking about their other problems.

ooo

Takada tells herself that at least both the man she loves and the woman she's meant to be keeping under guard have been taken to the same hospital. It's not much of a bright side, but at the moment, it's all she has.

While they deal with Eriko's wound, Takada speaks to the doctors in charge of Raito. She can see their reluctance to talk to her - as far as they know, she is nothing to him (of course she _isn't _nothing_, _but he's hardly been in a state to tell them that) but it isn't as if they can refuse Lady Takada anything. Another bright side; things were so much more difficult - petty bureaucracy, red tape, having to stand in line - before she became Kira's spokesperson.

What they tell her isn't good, though. Raito's wound had been unwieldy, tricky to handle, and then infection had set in. They had done their best, but unfortunately, had ended up having to amputate. They watch her nervously as they tell her this, in case she brings down Kira's wrath on their heads. She assumes an appropriate expression of concern, but inside her there is a small breath of relief. Raito will be recovering from the operation for at least a few more hours, and that gives her time to take steps to make the situation look better. Not that things have descended into chaos yet, but - it's nice to have your deadline put back.

The next thing to do, then, is talk to Eriko. The woman is in a room on her own (apart from the NHN official sitting in one corner), left arm swathed in white, looking worn out and old and yet there's definitely a spark of satisfaction in her eyes. That settles it. Oh, she may play the terrified grieving wife, caught in a hellish choice, but the attempt was hardly a desperate cry for help. It was a cool-headed attempt to claw back some power. Takada would almost respect it if she weren't so furious.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

Eriko looks up at her.

"I've been better," she says. "As I'm sure you can imagine."

"You should have told me you were feeling so desperate. I would have done everything I could to help you." Takada's quite sure Eriko _wants _to make her angry, provoke her into screaming and stamping her foot. There is no way she'll get that satisfaction. _I'm on the winning side. The side of good. You don't get to have a new world __**happen**__ - you have to work for it. _

Eriko doesn't answer, just lets her gaze move back to the opposite wall.

"There shouldn't be any lasting damage, the doctor said. If you're sensible." Takada sits down; the chair legs screech on the bare floor. "But I do need to know why... why you felt the need to make such a gesture. Especially while on camera."

Eriko actually raises her eyes to the ceiling, as if she can't believe how stupid Takada is being. "I know perfectly well that you'll do anything you can to get my husband and his colleagues killed, and I don't feel able to assist you in that any more. If you must know."

"But... what about your daughters?" Takada uses the plural on purpose, and is rewarded by Eriko's breath catching for a moment, her hand on the sheet trembling until she grips a fold of cloth.

"I've done all I can, Takada-san," Eriko says at last. "I've begged my husband to turn himself in. I don't doubt that you'll continue to make implied threats to him about what might happen to us, but the nation _has _got very interested in our fate, so killing us live on NHN would probably be a step too far, don't you think? Yumi's terrified already and I don't want to think about - about what - what might be happening to Youko. What are you thinking of doing next, exactly?"

Takada breathes in and breathes out and looks down at her neatly manicured nails resting on her skirt. For goodness sake. She is reacting exactly as Eriko wants her to. And yes, it will be difficult to keep up the appeals, but she has to keep in mind that she still has Shuichi Aizawa's family, and she can still use them for bargaining purposes later. It's all right. She has _not _made a mistake. She hasn't -

"Where did you get the razor blade from?" she says instead.

"Yumi got hold of it for me."

"I'm not sure that's true, Aizawa-san."

"No, it isn't true," Eriko says, still addressing her words to the ceiling, bored, _contemptuous_, "but you're already punishing her for daring to have a father who disagrees with your views. I don't particularly feel like giving you more targets."

And Takada doesn't even _care _much about tracking down the chambermaid or bodyguard or bystander who got duped by Eriko's protestations of misery, but she is so tired of the woman stonewalling her, being so obstinate, and she really resents being talked to as if she's the bad guy. So she says, coolly, trying to keep the brittleness out of her voice, "That's all right. I understand. And I'm sorry if I seem a little curt. Really, this is an opportunity. I'm sure once your husband sees how difficult things are for you, he'll take steps to make sure you're safe. Maybe he'll try to find you here, or maybe he'll just make it so we don't need to look for him any more." The last line is meant to be casual, but it ends up sounding too pleased. It doesn't matter, though, because Eriko goes white, and though she doesn't look round, Takada sees her swallow nervously.

"I didn't have him down as the romantic type," she carries on, "but he wouldn't be the first to suicide to save his family from further trouble. I hope for all our sakes that doesn't happen, but you never know what someone might do when they've received a shock like the one he must have."

Eriko laughs, sharply. "I wouldn't have pictured you as a romance fan. I can tell you Shuichi's priority has always been the Kira case." But her voice is numb, and catches on the last few words. Takada feels warm, safe; it's all right, she's winning after all. Getting to her feet, she says, "Well... that's your perception. Perhaps you're right, judging by his lack of response to your appeals so far. Anyway... I should let you rest. They'll bring you back to the hotel when you're better - don't worry, you'll be quite safe."

She gets to her feet and she is almost at the door when Eriko says - too loudly, like she had to nerve herself up to it - "Why are you doing this?"

For goodness _sake. _Takada turns round, fixing a patient look on her face, and says, "What exactly?"

"You can't seriously believe you're on the side of good." Eriko's actually smiling; a horrible, shaky smile, like a mocking old woman's face. "Not after what you've done to my daughter. When you first became the spokeswoman, I assumed Kira had asked you to - I mean... I thought you probably couldn't have said no. You'd have died. But you really like this, don't you? You really enjoy putting yourself high up on a pedestal and looking down on everyone." Her breathing is speeding up. "You - smug little bitch, I've seen you watching me, waiting to see me get upset - you make me _sick -_"

Takada manages not to get drawn into a slanging match. She just says, clearly, "You're obviously overwrought. I'll speak to you again when you've calmed down." Then she goes, and even manages not to slam the door.

_Honestly. _How dare - after all, Takada is doing this for the _world, _for people like Eriko Aizawa and her children - nice families, good people who work hard and do their best. It isn't like any of the people Kira judges would treat a five-year-old child any better - and she doesn't _enjoy _this! She is tired, she wants Raito to wake up and take his place as the new world's god and for her to be at his side. She is _holding things together, _this isn't some kind of power game. How can that stupid woman even think -

Well. Well, how lucky it is she has walked away, didn't enter into an argument. Eriko is clearly not quite stable. It doesn't matter. What matters is the current situation. After all, the game hasn't been lost yet. It's entirely likely that Eriko's behaviour will turn out to be a favour for Kira. And even if it doesn't, there's still time before she sees Raito again, before he's in a state to listen to her report. While he's unconscious, she'll prove to him she's worthy of looking after their new world.


	6. Spark

When Fuyumi comes back from work, Misa runs to make her a cup of tea and pull out a chair and says she'll go and buy food and even make dinner for them. Fuyumi gives her a look, but doesn't say anything. Mogi can imagine Misa's used this approach to get back on her sister's good side a lot. He wonders if it used to work better. But perhaps Fuyumi just doesn't trust anything Misa is doing right now.

As the sound of Misa's excited footsteps fades away, Fuyumi sighs, cups her hands round the mug of tea, glances at the table as if she has no idea what to say to this virtual stranger her sister's left her with. Eventually, though, she asks, "Can I get you some tea? Misa's neglected you."

"That would be nice, thank you." He makes himself smile. "Misa-Misa can be a little impulsive sometimes, can't she?" He expects Fuyumi to smile back, or roll her eyes and shake her head in exasperation, but instead she just says, "Mm," and presses her lips together, still not looking at him. Perhaps she's reflecting on the way Misa abruptly moved to Tokyo. Or something else.

At last she says, "You've known Misa long, Moji-san?"

"About five years or so. Though it doesn't feel that long!" His voice sounds too loud in her tiny kitchen. He rather wishes he could drop the manager pose, talk to her as he really is. In some ways, her reticence reminds him of himself, and he's rarely motivated to talk when other people are being loud and enthusiastic. "She hasn't been back to Kansai in all that time, though. You must have missed her."

Fuyumi shrugs, doesn't answer, and that is odd in itself, but then she looks up at him, and says, "Does she seem... happy? Like she's got everything she wants? Can - can you tell me?"

Mogi looks back at her, and hears himself say, "I... think so." No, he can't be halfhearted, he can't give the impression he's got anything to hide. "I think her fiance has brought her a lot of joy. And of course her career has been going from strength to strength, and it's always been her dream to be famous, hasn't it? At least, that's how she talks! I definitely can't think of anything else she wants!"

"Have you met this fiance of hers?"

Mogi says, lightly, "Once or twice. He seemed a perfectly pleasant young man, but I didn't really speak to him much."

"But they've had a fight," Fuyumi says, absently tracing a pattern on the table. "It must have been really bad if it's brought her back here. It's not like this area holds good memories for her. And I'm sure you've noticed the two of us aren't exactly close." Her voice is sharp on the last few words, like she knows she's being too open and trying to act like she doesn't care. Mogi hears his own voice becoming smoother, oilier, as if in response: "I'm afraid I don't know the details, Amane-san... I think Misa values her relationship with him a lot, and perhaps she felt she needed some space."

"Right. A lot of space."

Mogi makes himself laugh. "Well... Misa-Misa is the star. I simply follow and pick up the pieces!"

Silence for a few seconds. Fuyumi takes another sip of tea.

"How much do you know about what happened to Misa before she came to Tokyo?" she says at last. "What's she told you?"

"Well... of course I'm aware of the loss you both suffered. She was nineteen or so, then, I believe?" Fuyumi nods, watching him still, and Mogi carries on, carefully, "But I don't know a great deal apart from that. My role is to manage Misa-Misa's public persona, as I'm sure you can appreciate. Her private life isn't a matter for discussion if it doesn't negatively impact her reputation."

"She was... really upset when our parents were killed," Fuyumi says, more quietly now but her hands tighten on her cup. "Maybe I wasn't as supportive as I could've been. She's told you it led to my divorce, right?" This thrown out without preamble, as if she's trying to take away any impact he'd get from mentioning it. "But she didn't handle things well. At all."

"Right."

"She was staying with me for a time. That... might've been a mistake. We thought... we thought that it wasn't good to be alone, but - having to share the space, perhaps it was too stressful for both of us. She was... very preoccupied with what had happened. With the man that did it." Fuyumi trails off, bites her lip. Her face is blank and cold. She stares down at her tea for a few seconds, then carries on, "But anyway. Kira came along and killed him. Did you know about that, too?"

"I'd... heard things."

She half-smiles. "Yes, of course you had."

"Misa is... I know she's always been very grateful to Kira for that death. Of course, I would imagine anyone would be. You yourself, you must..."

Fuyumi turns her head sharply away, and delivers her next words to the wall as if she can't bear to look at him: "Forget _gratitude._ It didn't make our parents any less dead, did it? Of course I thought the - I thought he deserved to die, of course I would've been sick to see him acquitted, but - I wasn't _happy _some god decided to come down off his cloud and take an interest in our lives. It terrified me. Things like that aren't supposed to happen in the real world. And if you really want to know, I hate the thought that it was only because Kira _chose _to help us that the man died. There should be systems, there should - you should _know _that if someone does something like that then they'll be killed - you shouldn't just be waiting for someone to be _generous -"_

She sighs, turns back to Mogi. "The point is that Misa was obsessed. She thought that was it, that Kira had given her life meaning. As if it hadn't had any before." She breathes in, slowly, and then says, "And then she left for Tokyo. To find him."

"I... I see."

"Did she?"

"What?"

Fuyumi looks at him impatiently. "Did she find Kira, Moji-san?"

Mogi makes himself laugh, makes himself say, "Not as far as I'm aware!" but the words are sticking to his tongue like a mouthful of flour. Fuyumi looks at him like she can't decide if he's a liar or just an idiot.

"Look," she says. "Misa turns up here after six years of silence. She ditches this fiance she's apparently so in love with and snuggles up to some other guy at night -" Mogi feels himself turn red, but if Fuyumi notices she doesn't react, just carries on, "She's not got any luggage with her and I know she's incapable of a weekend away without at least six changes of clothes. Look, I don't _care _if you're her bit on the side. I don't care if she's looking for romantic drama. But all this coincides exactly with those announcements on NHN. That, and the Kira killings stopping."

Mogi makes himself look at her, frown a bit like he doesn't get it but is too polite to say. Fuyumi sighs sharply and then, leaning forward, she says to him, "Did my sister find Kira? Does she know anything about what's going on at the moment? I'm not just thinking about myself here - trust me, if she's got caught up in something big, then you don't want to be anywhere near her."

They're eye to eye. Mogi wonders if he could risk it, could explain to Fuyumi who he is. But - no, she's scared. She doesn't want to be dragged into the chaos. And it isn't like Misa has any loyalty to him, or like Fuyumi has much to Misa. People will do what's easiest.

He makes himself remember how Matsuda acts when he's bluffing, when he's talking about girls. Let Fuyumi think that he's concerned about nothing more than keeping his love life secret. "I... uh... I'm sorry I can't be of any help, but... all I know is that Misa-Misa had a fight with her boyfriend and wanted to get away from it all! I wasn't surprised when she called me. She needs someone to hold the shopping bags for her." He meets her eyes, forces a nervous grin onto his face, remembers Misa lying so close to him this morning... "I haven't heard anything about her being connected with Kira. Trust me, I think she's got far more important things to think about."

"So it's all a coincidence?" Fuyumi says, almost sneering it.

"It seems to be. I haven't seen Misa-Misa mentioned anywhere on the news, so I don't think she's fleeing from NHN!" Laugh again. His throat is getting dry.

"You should be careful," Fuyumi says.

"Excuse me?"

"You seem to have... got this idea..." Fuyumi glances away again, awkwardly pushes her hair back behind her ears. "You seem to think my sister is all sweetness and innocence, that she's just your typical lovestruck girl who needs looking after. She isn't like that at all, Moji-san. She knows how to pretend, and she knows how to say what people want to hear, and when it's safe then of course she'll chatter on like an idiot, she likes to talk - but when it comes down to it, she'll do whatever needs to be done to get what she wants. I don't know whether you two are... just emotionally connected or whether she has done something really stupid this time, but I don't doubt she knows exactly what she's doing. It's whether _you _know what she's doing that's the important part."

Mogi feels like suddenly everything is being reflected back at him. He's the one who's lying, who is doing something underhand. Misa... of course she's capable of taking the initiative, of course she's determined, but she doesn't know the true situation right now. She didn't plan this, she didn't anticipate it at all. She had no way even to talk to Raito, they were with the SPK for days -

"She's also entirely capable," Fuyumi carries on, "of fixating on one idea - or person - and crafting an entire scenario out of it. She's done it ever since she was small. When she was seven, she decided she wanted to play the violin. God knows why, I think she'd seen a cartoon character do it. My parents bought into it - of course - and let her take lessons. She hated it. I could see she hated it. She refused to practice, none of us could stand the noise, pressing on the strings hurt her fingers, her teacher was mean... But she wouldn't quit. She couldn't bear to admit that reality wasn't how she'd imagined it to be. She only stopped in the end because the teacher moved away. As I said, I don't care what your connection with her is. Just be aware that she's quite capable of imagining and living in a parallel world. And as for this mysterious fiance of hers -"

There's a clatter from outside the door. They both turn to look and Mogi is already getting to his feet when it slams back against the wall, revealing Misa standing there, lips pressed together, eyes huge and blazing with tears, dropped shopping bag at her feet.

"Sorry to _interrupt!" _she screams at them both. "Sorry to stop you having such a good _chat _about me!"

"You obviously forgot it's rude to eavesdrop," Fuyumi snaps, but she's gone a little red and she is getting up, teacup in hand, obviously not wanting to have the imminent fight. "I just thought Moji-san ought -"

"Because you think I'm lying," Misa says, marching over the scattered groceries and into the flat, "you think I'm some kind of freaky crazy person, so you're telling Mochi a bunch of stuff that's none of your business -"

"He's a big boy. I'm sure he can deal with it." Fuyumi throws this over her shoulder as she reaches the bedroom door. As she opens it, she says, harshly, "Look, Misa, if you didn't want things to be like this you should have - if you'd just _called -_"

But she bites off the rest of the sentence, steps inside the bedroom and slams the door. Misa stares at it for a moment, trembling, and then she screams, "I hate you! I _hate you -" _and stamps her foot. Mogi's hurrying over to her to try and calm her down - things already feel like they're back to normal - but then the next second Misa takes a deep, shaky breath and then, instead of carrying on yelling, she puts a hand to her mouth, and he hears her sob.

"Can't," she says at last, very quietly, "can't _do _this any more..."

Mogi wishes she'd kept the shrieking up instead. He's never heard Misa deal with strong emotion by shrinking back, growing silent. Why did he - if she breaks down completely then he'll have to leave her here and run - it isn't as if Raito will do anything -

He goes to pick up the shopping, telling himself he's giving Misa time to compose herself. Pick up the shopping, close the front door, put on more lights. He knows that it's more to give himself time to get a grip, but when he turns back Misa has gone into the bathroom, and he hears the tap running. When she comes back, damp-faced and red-eyed, she is trying to pull on her usual pout for when things don't go her way. It doesn't quite stay.

"Typical," she says, coming to stand by the kitchen sink. "I'm not out for five minutes and she starts bad-mouthing me." A quick glance at him; a shaky smile. "Don't worry, Mochi, I'm not... I'm not mad with you. I know what she's like. Just... didn't need her talking about Raito. Not now." Her mouth crumples as she says his name, and she turns away again. "Oh... Misa is such a wimp. I just..."

Mogi knows he should say something like _I'm sure he's safe; we'd have heard on the news if anything had happened, _but he really can't get the words out this time. Seeing this... if he now carries on with the lie, he'll be choosing to do so after being shown exactly how devastated she'll be when she finds out. As if he's enjoying her sadness. He can't think of a situation he'd enjoy _less _than this. She is sad and it's his fault and he wants to _say the right thing _and he can't, or he wants to put his arms round her and pretend that that will help and he can't do that either. All he can do is stand and watch and wait for her to speak again.

She says, very quietly, "Misa isn't stupid, you know. Misa... I _know _it sometimes looks... I know it sometimes seems like Raito doesn't... you know. Doesn't really care about me that much. I _know - _that's why I could never have brought him here - she'd say stuff, snarky stuff and he'd hate me for putting him in a situation like that. I _know _how he's always busy and I know what - what he's been doing with Kiyomi."

Mogi stares at her. Her head is bowed; her hair hides her face. Her arms are wrapped round herself; fingers twitch at her sleeve. Could he - could he possibly say -

"But he _does _love me," Misa says, looking up at him now, a bright, glassy smile on her face. "He's told me a bunch of times. He's just not very romantic. And... and even if..."

Mogi finds himself opening his mouth and he blurts out, gruffly, "People should be with someone who loves them."

As soon as the words have got out he is hot and cold all over with embarrassment. What is he _thinking, _talking to her like that - like he's giving her a fortune cookie - or like he actually wants her to pick up on all the turbulence of his own thoughts -

Misa gazes back at him, and says, absently, "You know, Mochi, you're quite romantic yourself, aren't you. I didn't..." She glances away, blushing slightly. "I guess Misa never thought of you like that. You..."

She shifts from foot to foot, rubs her lips together a little. Mogi finds himself thinking that if he weren't him - if he were, say, some character in a romance drama - this would be the point at which he'd kiss her. If the entire narrative was shaped towards them getting together. And she wasn't engaged to someone else. And being misled about that someone's situation. And potentially guilty of having murdered a large number of people; including Ukita for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He reflects, as he's done many times before, that if he'd decided to go to the TV station himself, she would have killed him too. She would have killed him and not thought twice about it. He needs to remember this.

It's supposed to stop him even thinking about the idea of kissing her but instead he almost does, just because if he did, that would mean his thoughts couldn't possibly be true.

He makes himself turn from her, towards the cupboards where he put the stuff she bought. He makes himself say, "We should make dinner. I think your sister would appreciate it." After a few moments, Misa giggles: "Yeah, I really need to get back in her good books, don't I?" She comes to stand next to him, starts explaining what recipe she was thinking of - "but of course Mochi could probably do something much better - ooh, you should _totally _do all the cooking, that'll melt Fuyumi's heart for sure -" She keeps a few inches distance between them, though, and she doesn't clutch at his arm. And neither of them quite look each other in the eye.

ooo

Ide falls asleep without noticing - he's clearly been expending far too much energy on this new development in his personal life - and when he wakes up there's faint light round the edge of the curtain and he can just see Matsuda sitting up in bed. He closes his eyes again because even eye contact would probably make him blush right now, but then the next moment he realises it's _light _and therefore much later on in the morning than it usually is when they depart.

"What time is it?" he whispers. "Shouldn't we get going?"

Matsuda turns to look at him, but doesn't quite meet his eyes. "It's okay. Aizawa's gone to talk to Sato-san."

"Right."

"He seemed... weird."

"Well, he's worried, isn't he?"

"Yeah, I know, but... usually when he's worried he's grumpy. He just seemed zoned out, this time."

That makes Ide more uneasy than he cares to admit, but he makes himself shrug, say, "Probably because he just got up. He - he said he was coming back, right?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, he didn't... he hasn't taken any of his stuff or anything." Matsuda looks over at him, manages a smile. "He's probably flirting with Sato-san."

"While his wife's in hospital? For god's sake -"

"No, no, I didn't mean the sleazy kind of flirting!" Matsuda rolls onto one elbow, waving his free hand to somehow clarify the point. "I meant the mutual-comfort kind. He's worried about his wife and misses her and stuff, and she said her husband's out a lot, so they're just... enjoying each other's company, to feel better. It's nice."

"Don't you think we've got -" He's about to say _more important things to think about than romance, _but of course it would be hypocritical as hell to finish the sentence. And then of course he feels like Matsuda's worked out what he was going to say and he's frantically trying to think of a way to change the subject but before he can, Matsuda says, all forced casualness, "So... it's not going to go any further, huh?"

"I just... I just meant it doesn't _mean _anything, that's all!" He sounds far too defensive, and he's too hot all over now. He turns over so his back is to Matsuda. No need to make himself look even more stupid.

"I didn't say it did mean anything. You said you weren't like that and you're not. Nor am I. It's just... it's just fun, right?"

"If you want to put it that way."

"Well, you certainly seemed to think it was fun. I wasn't going to... you know, do anything. After the first time. You're the one who... who started -"

"Yes, I know."

"So?" Matsuda says, glancing casually over at the far corner. "So, are you going to keep on doing that? Just so I know."

Ide wants nothing more than to walk out of the room, or at least to make Matsuda _stop talking about this_, but then he'll only draw attention to the whole ridiculous situation. So, still keeping his back turned, fixing his eyes on the grey shadow and the slices of pale light from the window, he says, "Not if you don't want to. I'd hate to make you do anything you didn't _enjoy_." And he remembers, a painfully physical recollection, of Matsuda kissing him desperately, greedily, hands on his back, pulling him closer, then up under his shirt... and he knows there's no way he's going to put a stop to it, not while it still feels that intense. Now he's definitely too hot.

"Didn't say I didn't want to." Matsuda sounds quieter, almost defensive. "It's better than - it helps, you know? It's - it's good. Right now, that -"

"Yes, I understand." Ide makes himself sit up, look across at Matsuda. He's suddenly aware of his own breathing, and how it's quicker, shallower.

"Good," he says again, swallowing, and Matsuda smiles, and god knows what would've happened if the door hadn't rattled open and Aizawa had walked back in. Matsuda jumps, and when he says, "Oh. Hi, Aizawa," he sounds so ridiculously guilty it's lucky Aizawa _is _preoccupied with his own thoughts, just nods at them both and then says, "Sato-san says we're welcome to have the room another night."

Matsuda gives Ide a significant glance; Ide deliberately stares at Aizawa instead as he asks, "We're not moving on today?"

"I don't - I didn't see the point." Aizawa has his hands in his jacket pockets; directs his speech at the blinds. "This place is out-of-the-way and it's quiet - it's out of season for her, she said. If - if something else happens, we can - I can get back without much difficulty. And... and if we keep moving around we're just running into more people who might report us." Aizawa never normally sounds so hesitant, never seems to consider the possibility someone might call him out on his decisions. Still, Ide says anyway, "You don't think she and her husband will, if they make the connection?"

"She hasn't said anything about being a Kira supporter." Aizawa scowls, glances away from them. "I don't think she poses a risk. And besides, if I tell her now that we _don't _want the room, that'll make us look even more suspicious. It isn't like there are many other places to stay round here."

Ide could argue the point, but it's highly likely that all he'll do is push Aizawa into admitting that he's doing this because he wants to kid himself this is a safe place, because he wants to be able to stay put and plan out how he'll get back to Eriko, because someone is being nice to him and offering him sympathy. And then the atmosphere will be even worse. And Aizawa can't have completely taken leave of his senses - he's got to have thought this through, even if he is worried. Hopefully.

"I like it," Matsuda says. "She's a really good cook, as well."

"Ide? You in?"

He shrugs, and says, "All right. I suppose we can't do anything about it now." After all, he hasn't exactly been talking sense himself in the past twenty-four hours.

ooo

Two nights of almost-good sleep in the back of the car have made Gevanni not just human again, but almost in a good mood. Hey, a whole twenty-four hours have passed without anyone making an attempt on his life, screaming at him that he deserves to die for his sins, or trying to kill themselves in front of him. And right now the sun is shining and he and his passenger are managing to maintain a more-or-less civil demeanour with each other. He should probably rein in the joy a bit before irony comes back round to kick him in the teeth, but he'll revel it just a little bit longer.

"We need to get some gas. Do you want anything to eat?"

"No, thank you." Mikami's been eating very little, to be honest, but Gevanni supposes it can't be that comfortable swallowing when you've got an only-partially-healed throat wound to deal with. He's been trying to get the guy food that won't hurt to eat, but Mikami's keeping his mouth shut about how unpleasant the wound actually is making things. And besides, it isn't like Gevanni can do much if it _is _really painful.

"Okay. I'll grab some more coffee, though. I still can't believe you guys sell that stuff in cans."

Mikami looks back round at him, smiles a bit. "Surely you've had the time to get used to it by now?"

"Huh, I'm still getting used to using chopsticks at every meal." He's been playing up his foreigner status like this when he talks to Mikami. To make himself seem less threatening, or just because it's a good small-talk generator that doesn't involve Kira. Mikami smiles, as if he knows it's a - not a lie exactly, but a conversation they can work with - and says, "But your Japanese is so good, Gevanni-san. Surely you've lived here before?"

"My dad lived here for a while. I used to visit quite a lot, but... you know what it's like when you're a kid, you kick up a fuss whenever everything isn't how you're used to."

"Yes. I know."

"So... well, I didn't like using chopsticks because I wasn't very good. My - my sister -" He swallows, it's like missing a step, but he's back on balance and he continues, "other people were better, and they made fun of me, so I'd insist on a knife and fork."

"And -" Mikami glances out of the window for a second, at the bright winter sunlight, but then carries on, "and that is how you learnt Japanese - visiting your father?"

"I brushed up on it later. Don't worry, I'm no genius." The service station rises up on the left, the light glaring on the bright signs, and then they drive into shadow. Gevanni fills up the car and then goes in search of coffee. The air smells clean, of fresh milk and sweets. In front of him, a woman is trying to corral two small children, both of whom are showing too much interest in the candy shelves. One of them has already started to whine, lip trembling. Gevanni remembers when Louise's girls were still small enough they threatened to do that on a daily basis, and then he sees the woman's cellphone tucked into the outside pocket of the bag slung over her shoulder. At that moment one of the kids manages to send what looks like half the shelf toppling to the floor - the mom is picking the stuff up, telling her kid off, and moving back to let Gevanni take her place in the queue, all at the same time. He doesn't even have to find a reason to bump into her; he squeezes past her in the narrow aisle and by the time he's paying for the petrol, her phone is in his pocket.

He imagines Louise glaring at him. _She's having a bad enough day already. Why don't you find some fat cat businessman making his way home after cheating on his wife or something? _Said mainly just to score points, or to rub it in that Gevanni's never had the experience of looking after two tired, cranky kids.

_Hey, _he reminds himself, or her, _I need to get in touch with Lidner, I can't keep going like this forever. And when's another opportunity like that going to come along?_

_Playing secret agent instead of keeping an eye on Katy and Anne. Sure, that's totally how I wanted you to sort things after I died - _

The door closes behind him, cutting off the wails of the kids, and he takes a deep breath of cold air.

He's halfway across the forecourt, ice crunching under his feet, when the black car pulls into the service station. Not sure what tips him off, whether he notices how fast it's been going or the men at the wheel in sunglasses and suits, all he knows is he's already running when they skid to a halt, leap out, and they're already drawing guns. Someone screams. He's fumbling for his own gun, his hands too cold and stiff in the January air, and he looses off a shot over their heads and dives for the car. They're yelling for him to stop, they don't want him dead, or maybe that's not right, maybe they just want to be seen to be giving him a chance, and he's throwing himself behind one of the other cars and - Mikami, will he bail, did he, did he somehow manage to - a shot, breaking glass. He dives round, fires again, and then he's running - the car only a few feet away and Mikami's still there, staring numbly at the scene and Gevanni's hand is just closing on the door handle when -

- he hears the shot and it feels like that happens several minutes before something slams into the back of his leg and seems to burst into blood and pain and -

his mind is going _hit. hit in the leg _like being able to identify the problem is going to do anything to solve it and the door's open and he, it's all so _slow, _he's scrambling in only _fuck, _he forgot Mikami's there, _he doesn't even need to do anything, just wait - _and they stare at each other and Gevanni is trying to say _please don't _like he's already seeing Mikami leap out of the car or shove him backwards to collapse on the forecourt or even just yell for help -

But none of those things are actually happening. Mikami's grabbing him by the arm and dragging him forward, helping him back into the driver's seat and part of him thinks he's dreaming but fine, he'll go with it, and he's slamming his keys into the ignition and the black-clad figures are running towards him and the engine roars into life and he's driving towards them. Of course they scatter, they run over to their vehicle, and that's good, he can at least try and get out of here. _Okay. Okay _he's driving automatic so he doesn't actually need to _use _his damaged leg and so, so that's good and -

Somehow he's managing to keep the car moving, charging out of the service station and on down the freeway. He glances up and sees the black car in the mirror overhead. His mind catches up with his senses a bit later, _okay, okay, of course they're giving chase, all I need to do is - throw them off - lucky we just filled up, huh? _And under, around that, _fuck it hurts it __**hurts**_and if he even notices those thoughts he feels like he'll black out so he tries to ignore them.

At some point he realises he's cursing under his breath - in English - and he can feel his sock sticking to the sole of his foot, crusty and heavy with blood. They're speeding, dodging round the little traffic about at this point. It's not a dream, it's not, his head's aching from the effort of remembering this - he can't give up or walk away and if he crashes the car that'll be it, he's not going to get far running from a wreck. They still follow. They follow, but they're not as desperate as him, and they don't have any siren or way of making people move because Kira's not _that _fucking accepted yet and so the distance between them grows, and eventually the black car has vanished into the distance, into the sunlight glinting off windshields. Gevanni doesn't slow down, though. If he tells himself they're okay that'll be the perfect time for their pursuers to loom over the horizon.

"Are you hurt?" Mikami says abruptly.

"Yeah. Shot in the leg." The Japanese slides around in his mouth, the words aren't there properly. _Focus! _"I'm keeping going. Don't want to... to be obvious." Focus on the driving. He's gripping the wheel so hard his arms ache. "You - you gave me a hand back there." He almost doesn't want to mention it in case it was a dream and this wakes him up, but at the same time if he talks about it and the world stays upright then that means it did happen and _that _means he's got away, for now at least.

"I..." Mikami is silent for a few seconds, but that's okay, he doesn't say _what are you talking about _so that seals it in Gevanni's mind.

When Mikami does speak again, it's to say, "You must stop when you think it's safe. You -"

"Aren't safe to drive? Again?"

"Well. Yes. Obviously."

Gevanni laughs at that - the laughter slides around too - and Mikami smiles, confused, probably wondering if his driver's going light-headed from blood loss. Perhaps that's the case. Well, that's good, right, that means the route he's choosing to take will be a route that no sane man could predict? _Since when were Kira supporters sane? _Since they got the backing of the United States and large sections of the Japanese media, that'd make anyone sane. And speaking of the media... "Turn on the radio," he says, and Mikami does so, frowning. The announcement comes about ten minutes later. Of course. One of the Americans has been spotted _here _and their car is _this _with _this _registration and can everyone please keep their eyes open, they're not going to get far now...

At last he pulls off the road - it's a side road, and luckily there's little traffic - and halts. The world seems to tilt as he does so, as if his brain is saying hopefully _so that's it now, we can give up? _He grits his teeth, leans over to look at the wound - his suit leg is dark and sticky with blood. But he hasn't passed out yet, so it's probably just a graze, right? Hurts like hell but still probably just a graze. No point in wasting time staring at it. He fumbles with his tie, starts yanking it off, then his jacket. A voice in the back of his mind is calmly declaiming first aid procedures. Mikami watches him, pale and still, as he improvises a bandage. Not bleeding to death but it still fucking hurts, which means that running for it - _walking _for it - is going to be out of the question. And they know where he is now, what car he's driving, that he's been wounded...

"What are we going to do now?" Mikami says quietly.

"Don't... I don't know. Keep going, I guess... get out of the area." He swallows. "Keep going somewhere quiet..." He wants Mikami to suggest something, some obvious idea he himself has neglected, but Mikami doesn't speak. Probably wondering what the hell he was thinking back there. _Kira won't like that if he finds out. _Still, right now it's good, Gevanni needs all the allies he can get, with the entire country looking for him and Rester and Lidner -

He was going to _call Lidner. _Who was going to pin her hopes on Mello. And who has certainly managed to keep her head down well considering how familiar her face will be to everyone. If they'd got her, they'd be triumphing it, right? And Mello knows enough about hiding from the law, keeping a step ahead of Kira - He's fumbling with the stolen phone now, leaving sticky bloodstained fingerprints all over it, dialling the number he took care to memorise ages ago, when they first entered Japan. If they've got her and this blows up in his face then they know where he is _anyway - _and it's ringing, that's a start, she's somewhere where she feels safe enough to leave it on, she has to be, she has to be... It goes to voicemail, and for a moment he's this close to cursing and smashing the phone against the dashboard before he figures she'd be stupid to answer every unfamiliar caller that comes her way. When it tells him to leave a message, he stammers, "It's... it's me. You'll probably have heard why I'm calling."

She calls him back about ten minutes later.

"We just caught the news. Are you all right?"

"Been... been better." He can hear the smile in his voice, but it trembles a bit.

"You're hurt?"

"I can still drive."

"We can come and find you," she says, sounding as calm and on top of things as she always does. "Are you still where the announcement said?"

"More or less, but I'm going to keep moving. Go north... go rural."

"We'll try and catch up with you, then."

"I can call back?"

"Yeah," she says. "If you have to. Hopefully I'll be able to speak to you face-to-face soon, though."

"Right. See you later." 

He hangs up.

"What - what's going to happen?" Mikami says.

"Should... should be able to meet up with someone else. Get some help. For now, we just keep driving."

Mikami nods.

"That phone..." he says, "it isn't yours, is it."

There's no condemnation in his tone, but Gevanni adds it in, and yes, he _knows _he's screwing up in a bunch of different ways now, but - _cut me some slack - _"Yes," he says. "Yes, I did, and I'm glad I did because if not I'd be dead. This way, I've got a hope. Okay?"

Mikami nods. Then, after a few seconds, he starts fumbling out of his jacket, and, tentatively, places it round Gevanni's shoulders. They start to drive again.

ooo

Takada can feel the stress building up behind her eyes. She's normally exceedingly good at managing high-pressure situations, she knows this, but the frustration of being unable to affect the situation other than spend twenty hours a day at the studio trying to be pleasant to the idiots on the other side of the camera is beginning to affect her. For goodness sake, they are only looking for six people, two of whom are foreigners, one of whom has had her face splashed all over the gossip magazines in the last month or so, and four who are so stupid they hadn't noticed the man they're searching for has been under their noses the entire time.

It's a relief to be out of NHN and in the car; at least it's quiet in here, and the windows are tinted, and she doesn't have to worry about snapping at anyone because they're being brainless. She wants to close her eyes, sleep, but she can see the driver's eyes in the mirror. She can sleep later. Raito's awake at last, and getting him up to speed so they can work together is the most important thing.

At the bottom of her stomach she has a sick crawling sensation that the situation is her fault somehow. It's not true, and not something she should be thinking, but it's understandable, isn't it? This is almost like a job interview, a test - to show that she's worthy of the high status she's already attained - and besides, she is fond of Raito. She admires him and she wants him to admire her_. _To realise she isn't like other girls; that making commitments to her will be worth it.

If he _doesn't _realise that -

If she starts thinking about this too much her head aches even more, so she makes herself stop. The sky is mockingly bright. It still feels like a novelty being out of the studio during the day; like she's on holiday, or playing truant. But the hospital isn't far, and when they pull up outside - she knows she should be feeling happy, keen to see Raito, glad that he's conscious, but there's just the nervousness. _Idiot, _she tells herself. It shouldn't be about Raito anyway. It should be about getting the notebooks back, about saving the world and helping Kira. At least Eriko's been moved back to the hotel, that's one irritation removed.

The bodyguards sweep in with her, of course, surrounding her; Takada's glad of that, she doesn't even like to touch the air in hospitals too much. The entire building is painted in shades of beige, cream, peach. Dirty colours. Raito must hate it in here as well.

She instructs her retinue to wait outside his room, prevent anyone entering, and then she opens the door quickly, before she can think about being scared.

Raito is lying still, his hair tangled, his eyes sunken. His skin is the same washed-out colour as the walls, and he's wearing pyjamas with the hospital's name on them. Takada's stomach twists a little - part revulsion, he smells of old sweat and even though she tries not to look she can see the stump and the space where his hand was - part tenderness that he's still human. He looks younger. She wants to stroke his hair.

But the shinigami looms over him, twisted and jagged like an old tree, and as she walks in Raito's eyes flick over to her and she sees the fury in them, and she remembers of course he would never want to be pitied, just like she never would.

"What's going on?" His voice is dry, but angry despite that.

"With what exactly? Your health? Or the fugitives?" She's stalling for time, taking a moment to collect her thoughts; she knows she is. He looks for a moment as if he's going to defy exhaustion and leap up, shake the answer out of her, but in the end he only snarls, "_Everything! _Are you so stupid you can't work that out?"

If she had good news to report she'd wait, make him realise just how not-stupid she is, but once she explains the situation that's not going to help. She swallows, hoping he doesn't pick up on her nervousness, and begins (calm, competent, making a report): "We've taken one of the SPK into custody. The older of the two men. We've pinpointed the location of the younger one, and are broadcasting every half-hour reminding people to be vigilant. I've dispatched people to the ports and airports to prevent escape that way. We... we also have custody of the wife and children of Shuichi Aizawa; the wife has been making televised appeals to him, although so far this hasn't yielded a result."

Raito stares at her, narrow-eyed. At last, he says, "And?"

Takada reaches over to the water jug on the table, delays her answer by pouring him a drink, but in the end she has to say, "That's all the developments I have to report so far." She keeps her eyes on his face. Her eyes still want to flick to his wrist.

"What the hell is _wrong _with you?" Raito snarls, and as she holds the glass out to him he smacks it out of her hand, so hard that it sends her stumbling back a bit. The shinigami starts to laugh. She stares at them, gritting her teeth, _she _won't be the one to throw a tantrum, she'll make Raito see how childish he's being, and he carries on, "I - it's - they told me it's the 31st today, you've had _over three days _and six of them are still out there? What the hell have you been _doing_?"

"Everything I can!" she says. "They're not exactly clueless amateurs, and lack of visual identification doesn't help either!"

"You - why didn't you _get _visual identification? The task force are - you should have gone to the NPA and -"

"The NPA are quite well aware of what we want from them. They're just being reluctant to give it to us - they're claiming they don't keep photographic records of their employees any more -"

"So why didn't you _make _them?"

"I would have liked to!" The crawling feeling is back. She squashes it down, grits her teeth. She _won't _let him see - "Unfortunately, that's more your area of expertise than mine, and you've been... indisposed, haven't you?"

She lets her eyes flick to his missing hand.He looks up at her and for a moment she is actually scared of him, but then his anger dies down. Well - becomes colder, at any rate, more practical.

"Tell me what to do," she says, more gently. "I can get in touch with the NPA on Kira's behalf. You can tell me who I need to talk to - if necessary, we can use that small piece of the Note..."

Raito stares numbly ahead for a few seconds before saying, "Yes. I'll tell you what to do. It's important that they - that they help Kira. I've got... on my computer, I had photos of them - the task force - but they probably deleted the data before they left. It'll take time to get it back and besides, the NPA need to know that if they don't assist, they're harbouring fugitives. Did the one you've caught say anything?"

"Nothing useful. People have been questioning him, but it's beginning to look like he genuinely doesn't know where the notebook is. He says they gave it to the task force." She wants to carry on. Say _I've spoken to him myself, _make it clear that she has looked into the man's bloodstained face, listened to his denials and assessed them for truth, brought her intellect to bear on the problem; she has looked at what her bodyguards have done to him, and apart from a faint ringing in her ears it didn't affect her at all. She wants to prove that she will do _anything _for their new world. Certainly, she will do as much as Raito.

But that would be boastful. And besides, Raito shouldn't need to be told it.

At last, Raito says, turning his face away as he does so, as if he's ashamed even to acknowledge it, "Why did they cut off my hand? Why didn't you stop them?"

She almost snaps back at him not to start blaming her for this as well, but there's a note of desperation in his voice, and all at once her tenderness towards him is back.

"The infection got into the bone," she says, taking a few steps closer, wondering if she should sit down. "They had to do it. You were very sick." And then, hastily, before he can carry on arguing, "Tell me what to say to the NPA. Or where to look. The faster I get photographs, the faster we can catch the people who did that to you." After all, they have to work together. He always understood that before. He needs her as much as she needs him, doesn't she?

He nods, and he actually smiles - a tired, thin smile, but a smile nevertheless. "Yes. That's true. All right, listen carefully."


	7. Splintering

The sun has set. Fuyumi came home earlier, changed out of her work clothes into some slightly less severe, and announced she was visiting a friend and could Misa please not mess up the flat while she was gone. Misa rolled her eyes and nodded and now she's hunting through Fuyumi's kitchen, searching for wine. "We should celebrate, Mochi. We've made it like three days! Raito will be so pleased with me..." Mogi feels like he should stop her - just because Fuyumi didn't say _don't search the place for alcohol _doesn't mean she wants Misa to consume an entire bottle on her own - but he doesn't know how to start. Misa is too bright tonight, too chatty - or is he just thinking that because of how drained she seemed earlier? Well, she _is _under stress, she _does _often deal with it by getting louder and having a drink. Besides, he's caught up on the news again and he had to tell her about Eriko Aizawa's suicide attempt. In Misa's eyes, that's a depiction of true love, of course it will make her thoughtful. It's unsettled Mogi too, but for different reasons. He tells himself that if Aizawa had been found - either alive or dead - Takada would've made sure to mention it. Ide and Matsuda must surely have talked sense into him if he _did _start wanting to do something hasty.

They _have_ made it three days - he and Misa, at least, and the others presumably - and that's the problem. He really, really wants to believe that it means something, that it's a sign of things to come, that they'll be _all right_. The lack of difficulty they've had so far, the normality of it - trains and hotels and staying with relatives - means that sometimes he doesn't feel scared any more, because nothing really bad's happened, and sometimes he feels even more scared because it proves normality doesn't mean safety. Which is something he should already know. Look at what's happening to Aizawa's family, after all.

Misa has found the wine; she's searching for a corkscrew now. Her hands shake as she wrenches open the kitchen drawer, and she almost drops the corkscrew when she finds it. "Oops!" A giggle, a nervous grin. "And Misa hasn't even had any yet!" She's scared too. If the situation were different, he could make himself feel less uneasy by reassuring her that things would be all right. But it's entirely his fault that she _is _scared, so what is he meant to say to her, really? Apart from _I'm sorry_? Misa pours them each a generous glass of wine; it's dark and red and she pulls a face as she sips it, then takes a large gulp and comes to sit cross-legged on the floor next to him, slamming the bottle down between them. When she turns away to take another drink, he gently slides it towards him instead.

"Would you like to play cards again?" he says. Fuyumi brought the pack back with her yesterday, handing it over with a comment about how she wasn't sure Moji and Misa were finding enough to do together. Mogi can't decide whether she thinks they can't keep their hands off each other or whether she's figured out what they're running from. Still, the cards have been helping, in the same way that the board games did when the two of them were with the SPK; focusing on winning a game, or teaching Misa how to play a new one. Little distractions.

But now Misa shakes her head fiercely. "No way! Night's the time to have _fun._ Hey..." A wicked grin; she points at him, and says, "We should play strip poker."

He wouldn't ever say yes, of course, but he's turning red anyway, and Misa shrieks with laughter. "Kidding! I was kidding, it's okay, you know I would never do something like that - oh, Mochi, you looked so scared!"

"It's not... it's not that," he manages to say. "I just don't think your sister would approve."

Misa shrugs. "Anyway... Mochi's probably got a great poker face. Misa would end up in her underwear and Mochi wouldn't have changed at all, and that's not fair."

"It... it would be taking our cover story a bit too far, certainly."

"Totally! And Raito wouldn't be very impressed. I've never played strip poker with _him. _Actually, Mochi spends way more time with him than Misa does!" Another gulp of wine; she drains half the glass this time. Mogi's not sure what to say to this. They both know that what little time Raito got away from the task force has been spent with Kiyomi Takada. But Misa's already carrying on, "Still, when this is all over, you guys won't be spending _so _much time at work, right? That'll be nice." He _really _doesn't know what to say to that, but this time, Misa isn't filling the silence - she's staring at him. Waiting for him to reassure her, and he knows he should be saying _yes, of course, _letting her think that she and Raito will have their happy ending like he always has before, but the wine's slowing the lies down -

"Mochi?" Misa says, in a small voice.

"Yes..." he begins, and he's about to say _yes, I'm sure you will, _and he thinks in his head that that will be if he and the rest of the task force are dead but surely that won't bother Misa too much. After all, if she was the second Kira once then how many people has she killed?

No. She doesn't _know _that any more, she's been wiped clean of whatever desperate impulse made her do it, surely? All she wants now is to be happy, safe with someone who loves her. Someone who she _knows _loves her. What she said earlier - she's sensed how indifferent Raito is to anyone who isn't him -

If she goes back to Raito - to Kira - the last thing she'll be is safe. Especially not now, when he'll be irrational and out of control, when he has admitted he would have been quite happy to have Kiyomi Takada murdered just to tie up a loose end, when Misa has been spending time with one of the task force and could have found out any number of things Raito didn't want her to. And - and if she does insist on returning, even knowing what he is, what he's done, then surely that's better than walking into it blindly? If Kira wins and Mogi and the others are killed, Misa will at least know the truth.

And he owes her that by now. He's hurt her enough by lying.

"Misa," he says, slowly, carefully, and just saying the word doesn't do anything. "I think that there's something you need to know." Oh, god, what the hell is he thinking? This could get him killed - this could get them all killed -

"Oh, something scandalous?" Misa giggles, half-heartedly, but then puts down her wine glass, focuses on him. "Or is it... something about..."

But he'll be careful, he's not going in blindly either - he just owes her this - if necessary he can run and at least she'll have the truth -

He swallows. "Look... you should know that I... well, I've only acted as your manager, of course, but I... I've always wanted to make sure that you're not going to get hurt, or... or be put in danger." He's already started with another lie, but he can hardly think of what he's saying - the wine is slowing down all the words, too. He _has _to do this. If he uses her to save his own skin, that really does make him no better than Raito, and then he has no right to get her to stay with him.

"Well, sure," Misa says. "I mean, you've always been really concerned about me. It's sweet." She giggles, smiles shyly at him.

"It isn't just that - that... The thing is that -"

The phone rings.

Misa jumps, almost knocking over her glass. Giggling again - "I'd better get that, okay? It's probably Fuyumi, she's probably... and you know, I don't want to... back in a moment!" Chattering as she gets up, reaches for the receiver, and then: "Hello, Amane residence!" Mogi breathes out, cursing the timing. This is not going to get him off the hook. As soon as she gets off the phone he'll just say it, that things are different from how he explained, that - that Raito is - that Raito has -

And if she turns him in? Which she very well might do, even if just out of fury at how he's made her worry for nothing? Then what? Who is he trying to fool, thinking he can convince her that Raito isn't the best thing for her?

"Fuyumi, what's going on?" Misa laughs, awkwardly, and then: "Okay, okay. Seriously, though, I think you're a little confused -" She lays the receiver down by the phone and then scurries across to the TV, picks up the remote - switches to NHN -

Kiyomi Takada is there, smiling out at them as if everything is normal, and behind her - there are the photographs, his and Aizawa's and Ide's and Matsuda's, each with the name alongside, and it hits him, _oh, god, that's it now, _and then Misa starts to speak: "Where's... I don't understand, why isn't..."

"Misa..."

"Where's Raito?" she says. "You said Takada was..." She trails off, listening. Takada is more animated this time - urging the audience to be vigilant, to keep their eyes open, to call this number if they see any of the four fugitives, and then, just to underline how much of a liar one of her targets really is, she reads out the names again.

"Misa," he says, "Listen -" but she's trembling, she looks round at him and as she stares at him he stops talking, she's already figured it out.

"They weren't... they were never looking for him," she says. "Of course they weren't, Kiyomi would never do that, why was Misa so _stupid_?"

"I -"

"You _lied to me_!" she screams, and suddenly she's sobbing, and she drops both the remote and the glass of wine as she dives at him. He grabs her arms as she lashes out and for once he's talking, _Misa, Misa please, please calm down, let me explain _and she's yelling at him and she's starting to cry, kicking out and, "I had to -" he hears himself say -

_"No!_" She wrenches herself free of him, stands glaring up at him, face red and shiny with tears. "No, no, you didn't _have to_! They were never looking for him! He and Misa were never in any danger at all, it was just _you, _you wanted to - to get Misa to run away with you and - trick me into - into thinking -"

"I didn't, not - not like -"

"You made me come back _here!" _she screams and she kicks out again, not at him this time but at the little table, sends it flying - "I only came back to protect Raito and _you made me_!"

"I'm sorry!" and he thinks he sounds like he means it, he _does _mean it, he didn't want this, but Misa simply snaps back at him: "_Where's Raito?_"

"The last I knew, he was with Kiyomi Takada."

Misa glances wildly from the TV back to Mogi. "Why? Why would he go there? I don't -" She shakes her head suddenly, rubs a hand across her eyes. "You're lying. You're lying, to make me mad with Raito. That's it, isn't it?" She glares up at him, still shaking. "You wanted - you were going to tell me how much you _cared _or something and then you were going to pretend - I don't know, pretend Raito was dead or in jail or that he'd run off with Takada so I would -"

"No! Damn it, Misa, I wouldn't do that!"

"Really? Well, how come you're here with me? Where are the others, where's Monchichi, why aren't you with them?"

"Because... because I was concerned about you."

She snorts. "Uh-huh. That's why you lied, right? That's why you're getting me to help hide you? Kiyomi isn't looking for _me._" He wants to deny it, explain that it isn't what it looks like, but it _is, _in one way it really is, and suddenly she's screaming at him, _"Don't just go quiet again_!" It's like a slap. And it shakes words out of him:

"He doesn't love you. You were right all along."

Misa goes very still and Mogi wants to take it back but he carries on, "He's only out for himself. He certainly doesn't care about anyone else's welfare, least of all yours. If we hadn't left the hotel, he would have come back to you. He would have lied to you just as much as I have and he would have told you he loved you whenever you needed convincing to do what he wanted and then he probably would have killed you to stop you giving anything away. As it is, he's chosen to stick with Takada and carry out the same thing with her. Tell her how much he loves her and how stupid he thinks you are. I wanted you out of his way. Does that help?"

He expects Misa to scream at him, but she is just staring, her face like marble, her lips white because they're pressed together so hard. At last, she swallows, and after a few moments, she manages to say, "You're lying."

"You know I'm not. You know how he treats you, you know that he's been seeing Takada -"

"None of it makes sense!" She actually stamps her foot. "Why are you talking like he's in any danger? I know it's not true! And he wouldn't _kill _me, he loves me. He's told me and he knows I'd always be on his side anyway - and if we're talking about _sides, _why are _you _suddenly changing sides?"

"I haven't changed sides." He sounds dull and quiet now. Feels it. Arguments always tire him out. Especially when, like now, he can't just walk away, has to keep trying to defend himself. If it all goes to hell at least he genuinely has no idea where Aizawa and Ide and Matsuda are, he won't drag them down with him. Although once Raito has the notebook, location won't matter any more -

"Sure sounds like it," she spits back at him. "No, Mochi, you're going to have to do better than that."

He stares at her, swallows, trying to see through all the shouting and the pounding of his heart to work out what he could say. Raito, he suspects, would know exactly what to say in order to produce the effect he wanted. Or is it just that Raito would have the advantage that Misa's infatuated with him?

Whatever he says, it has to sound convincing; she'll be on the lookout for lies now -

Or...

Or he could just tell her the truth. Tell her everything, leave her with her sister, walk away. Give her back the choice to return, like he was going to. It isn't like he has much time left before someone sets NHN on him. It isn't like she's much safer with him than with Raito, or that she won't end up with Raito again soon enough anyway.

He can feel that everything is over but he doesn't feel scared so much as tired.

"All right," he says, and he sounds tired, too, or at any rate like he's only giving Misa the information to get her to stop complaining. "Raito is Kira." Misa's mouth falls open, but he quickly carries on, "When he told you to stay at the hotel - he and all of us and the SPK, we were all going to meet, to... to put an end to the case. He was going to have us killed, but it didn't work as he'd intended. He got shot in the hand but Takada's bodyguards showed up and helped him get away. Now he's using NHN to hunt us down."

Misa is still staring at him, frowning now, and he takes the opportunity to say, "The reason his plan didn't work out was that - he intended to kill Takada when she was kidnapped, but in deciding that, it let us see what he was doing." And, even though he feels cruel saying it: "He told Takada that he loved her, as well."

"If - _if _he's Kira -" Misa's voice shakes a little, but it sounds like she's angry, not crying - "then why hasn't he killed you now? If he's _so mad _with you he can get NHN doing all those broadcasts, then why is he letting you stay alive to run away?" Mogi stares at her, not wanting to mention the notebook, but already her eyes are widening: "Stole - you said - you've got it, haven't you? You've got whatever Kira needs to kill people. That's why all the criminals have stopped dying. He can't kill you, not right now."

Mogi forces his face to remain blank, and shrugs and turns away as if he hasn't got time to answer the question. He needs to get out of here. Even if Fuyumi hasn't already reported him, Misa is probably going to pick up the phone as soon as he's gone, and he needs a head start.

"Hey," Misa snaps at him as he takes a step towards the door. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I've told you the truth now."

"Yes, but -" She's trembling. "You can't just - you can't just leave me here. I don't - I mean, if what you say is true, Kiyomi won't let me get near Raito - I need a place to go to think and stuff -" Her words are slipping and stumbling over each other - she tugs at a lock of her hair. "Don't you _dare _- I need to _think - _he'll want me back -"

"Will he?" Mogi has said before he can think.

Misa's shoulders hunch over as if he's struck her in the chest. "Shut up."

"You said yourself you know how he treats you."

"If he's _Kira, _then he's got more important things to think about! And besides he _said - _we've been living together - he asked me to marry him -" She lists the facts frantically, gabbling like a child. "If he's Kira then - then he wants to help, he wants a perfect world - he said he loves me -"

"When you've helped him somehow?" He wants to stop, wants to go back to being quiet and listening to her talk about how wonderful her boyfriend is but he can't, not any more, no matter how horrible it is -

"It isn't like that!"

"He doesn't care about anyone but himself. You know that, Misa! If you want a life with someone who loves you, why the hell are you going to him?"

Misa turns her back now; at last, through gritted teeth, she says, "You know I could call NHN right now and tell them where you are."

"I know." He'd probably try and stop her. He's caught hold of Misa before to stop her getting herself tangled up in things. But this time she'd fight him, and he doesn't - he doesn't want it to end up like that.

Perhaps she doesn't, either, or perhaps she's just waiting for the right opportunity. At any rate, she just looks round at him and says, "So, why are you trying to make me angry?"

"That's not what I'm trying to do."

"It sounds like it is! I could just go over to the phone..."

Her voice trails off. He follows her gaze, and he sees - they both see - that the phone's still off the hook, that she never ended the call with her sister. She dashes over to it, snatches it up. "Fuyumi? _Fuyumi!_" A voice on the other line, and she yells "Where is she?" The next second she's hung up, whirls round to look at him. "She left - she'll be coming back here -"

"Rather than just - just call NHN?"

"She won't do that. She thinks she's too good for that, it'd be being a _sheep, _going along with what everyone wants. She wants to come back here and see exactly how right she was, how stupid Misa messed it all up again and was too dumb even to _notice _how much you were lying to me -" She gasps for breath. "We have to go." Before he can answer she yells at him, "Don't you _dare _run off now! We're going to hide somewhere and then you're going to tell me everything that happened! Everything, okay? I have to _find him_!"

Anything is better than her turning him in, even if her eyes are wide and white and her voice keeps shaking. He nods, and says, "Where?"

"Somewhere not near here. She'll tell on them, she'll hurt Raito, she - we should get away. You said you want to _look after me, _well, fine -" She scowls up at him, chin sticking out defiantly. "You help me find Raito, you help me keep him safe and don't you _dare _say anything like that about him again or I'll call NHN, I _mean _it, Mochi!"

"All right," he says - not like there's any time to debate the issue. "But we'll need to find somewhere to stay tonight. People are going to recognise me -"

Misa's already hurrying around, packing clothes into the carrier bag she brought, dodging the patch of spilt wine. "There's a hotel off the motorway. Another one where they don't see your face. We always used to joke about going there, when we were at school, we knew they didn't ask questions. We'll have to walk, I guess, but we can do that."

"That sounds like a good plan." He starts collecting together his own few possessions. Misa's packed already, is hopping up and down on her heels. "She'll come back, she's probably on her way now, hurry _up -_" When he's ready she grabs his arm, scurries towards the door, down the steps. Outside it's cold and dark and the lit-up flat with the warmth and the taste of wine seems years away.

ooo

Ide is starting to wonder whether Matsuda's actually right and Aizawa really is flirting with their hostess. She just brought them in more food - say what you like, the woman can cook - and now she's standing by the table, obviously _just about _to leave but instead pushing back a strand of hair and asking shyly "So... Aihara-san is married?" Aizawa glances away, says that he is but work keeps him so busy, busier than he'd like, and she smiles like she understands and talks about how her husband is exactly the same, and Matsuda gives Ide a significant look and kicks him under the table. Outside it's dark already, and shadows creep along the walls. Ide doesn't like it. He wishes he'd got them to move on after all; sticking around here only means that someone is going to be more likely to recognise you.

_Sato _may well not be her real name, of course. Quite a lot of people in the service industry quietly put forward an innocuous alias these days. Just in case. There have been cases of people losing their tempers, customers feeling aggrieved, names being put up on the Internet. Even if Kira doesn't act - and sometimes he doesn't - rumours get around. _No smoke without fire _and that sort of thing.

Of course, that's small fry compared to the amount of notoriety Ide's name's been receiving this week.

The front door rattles; a man walks in, greets Sato, warily acknowledges the three guests. She steps away from Aizawa, starting to gather up empty plates. Matsuda's grinning. In addition to that, his feet are stretched out so that they're resting against Ide's. Ide isn't sure whether he should be annoyed at that or not. Maybe it's something that you do when you're... involved in _that _kind of activity with another person, he doesn't know. It isn't as if it's particularly annoying in itself, it's just that it's making him keep thinking about said activities and he still isn't comfortable doing even that in public, or at least not in front of Aizawa, who knows him far too well.

And really, physical acts and the etiquette surrounding them really shouldn't be his main concern right now. They're in serious danger. He should stop encouraging Matsuda and focus on how the hell they're going to manage to survive. Except that he can't because he doesn't _know, _and when he tries to think about it all he can picture is the fold of notepaper hidden in his jacket.

He swallows, forces the thoughts out of his mind, carries on eating. Sato's husband has walked over to the kitchen, is talking quietly to his wife. No other guests, again. A clock's ticking, but it's in shadow, too dim to see the hands. No one's got anything to say to each other that can be said when they're not on their own. Still, the house has got its own sounds; the hum of the heating, the low voices of their hosts, the faint mumble of the TV in the kitchen like you hear sometimes when you're walking along a street.

The signature tune of News 7 echoes softly from the kitchen. It's Matsuda who notices it - sits up a little, unease crossing his features. Aizawa seems lost in his own thoughts. Ide catches Matsuda's eye and Matsuda grins at him again as if he's trying to make out that he's not _really _worried. It's not like there is any reason to be worried. _"Good evening. This is News 7, and I'm Kiyomi Takada." _They've survived three days, and if they look wary every time the news plays they're only going to get themselves caught.

From the kitchen, there's a clatter. Matsuda jumps, making the table shudder, and Aizawa glares at him. The Sato husband pulls the kitchen door to, walks purposefully past them. They can't hear the news now. Matsuda glances nervously from the closed door to Ide to Sato, who's picked up his coat, is searching through the pockets for something. Ide wants to shake Matsuda; how can he not see he's making them look twice as guilty by seeming so scared? But it isn't like he can say anything and the next second Matsuda's blurted out to the man, "I... I didn't hear... Sato-san said you're very busy, where is it you work again?"

The man looks at them; his face is closed, wary, as he answers. Ide stares down at his plate, at his coffee cup; his heart's juddering against his ribs like a stalling car. _Stop it. Calm down, nothing's __**happened**__ - _But Aizawa is looking wary now, too, and all at once he gets to his feet, walking across to the kitchen (hands in pockets, fake-casual, but Ide saw how his hands were trying to curl into fists) and calls to their hostess, "Sato-san... any chance of some more of that coffee?"

From his seat Ide can just see the edge of the woman's face. She's standing in the kitchen, arms wrapped round herself, staring straight ahead, and her face is dead white.

Just as he realises how much trouble they're in, the husband shoves past Aizawa to stand between him and the kitchen door, and says, coldly, "I don't think you should be going near my wife. I think you should stay where you are."

Matsuda goes very still; Aizawa sighs, almost as if in resignation, but then looks back at the guy and says, "I've offended you in some way, Sato-san?"

"You know what you've done." The man is tensed, eyes darting between the three of them. He's clutching his mobile phone, has it open. "I suppose I was thrown off because there weren't four of you, but I guess you split up or something? And... this is hardly the kind of place condemned criminals would choose to hide out anyway. I always thought it was perfectly safe for Mariko to take care of things on her own, but -"

"It's not like you think." Matsuda's voice is shaky and loud; he scrambles to his feet. "It's not, we didn't do anything, we're not -"

"Shut up," Ide hisses at him, and Matsuda actually does, but he's still shaking.

"We're not going to hurt anyone," Aizawa says, and Ide's impressed, even through his terror, at how calm he is. "You learnt who we are and you don't want the danger of having us under your roof - okay, fine. We can just head out right now and you'll never have to see us again -"

"Are you crazy?" the man snaps. "You - you think I'm going to give you a free pass or whatever? Kira finds out my wife and I have been giving you food and shelter, we'll be dead by the end of the week!"

"He won't find out," Aizawa says, "if you _don't tell him_."

"No disrespect, but I'm sure he'll work it out sooner or later." The man looks pale and sick now. "Just - just stay where you are!" as Aizawa takes a step towards him. His fingers move on the phone keypad - he's calling NHN, Ide realises, must be. "You can't escape Kira anyway, you may as well give yourselves up - I can't just let you walk out, I _can't -_"

"_Listen _to me -" Aizawa is beginning but then his voice is drowned out by the clatter as Matsuda scrambles to his feet properly and then he's standing there levelling his gun at the man and he's stammering out "Don't. Drop the phone."

They all stare - even Mariko Sato is crouched, peering round the kitchen door. Matsuda's horribly pale and his breath is coming in short, shaky gasps as he carries on, "I mean it. Put it down. I'll kill you, I can do it, I know I can, just. Just _stop!"_

"Matsuda..." Ide is beginning, although at the same time he's thinking _well, why not, at least it gets us out of the building, gets us a head start, _and Aizawa is snapping "What the hell do you think you're playing at?" and then, in that split-second Sato is diving for the front door, frantically stabbing at the keys on his phone, clutching it to his body - and then there's the shot and he stumbles, a puff of blood bursting out of his shoulder. His wife screams, and Matsuda is staring straight ahead, horrified, still clutching the gun, and _you idiot _Ide is thinking, sharp painful thoughts as he tries to work out what the hell to do, whether Matsuda will follow if they run, _you goddamn idiot, why the hell do you have to play the hero? _

Already, it seems, there's a lot of blood, soaking the man's sleeve, pooling on the floor, and he's yelling into the phone, "Help me! Help me, they're here -"

And Matsuda, tears running down his face, has fired again, and shot the phone out of the guy's hand.

"Go!" Aizawa is yelling, and Ide grabs Matsuda by the arm - Matsuda is standing, staring, as if he were just going to watch his victim bleed to death in the entryway - and runs for the door. Aizawa's already there, wrenching it open. Ide hurries out into the cold air, but he looks back as he does so. The amount of blood seems to have tripled already. Mariko Sato is kneeling in the kitchen doorway, sobbing, and he yells at her, "Call an ambulance, _they _won't!" And then he's turned away and he's running through the darkness, Matsuda stumbling behind him.

They reach the car - Aizawa's already leaping into the driver's seat. Ide wrenches open the passenger door, shoves Matsuda through it and then clambers in himself. They tear through the silent streets, back onto the main road, then the motorway. In the light from other headlamps, Matsuda looks even more sickly pale. For a moment he just stares at Ide blankly as if he's forgotten who he is, then he starts shaking, and gulps out: "Sorry... I'm so sorry -"

Ide doesn't know what to say, but he's saved answering by Aizawa, who snaps out, "I think you hit an artery. If she doesn't get help quickly, he'll bleed to death. What the _fuck _did you think you were doing?"

"I don't... I don't know. I just wanted him to _stop - _I just -" He's clinging to Ide now, fingers digging into his arms; Ide doesn't know what to do except let him, it _is _stupid, it _is _horrible, but what's the point of joining in with the riot act?

"_Stop?" _Aizawa snarls."Well, yes, you got that all right! It was Kira he was most scared of, not us! We could have talked him round!"

"I - I'll -" Matsuda's wrenched himself away from Ide suddenly - "I'll go back. Stop, let me go back, I'll _explain, _I'll help -"

Ide dives on him before he can actually open the door, yanks him away from it. "Stop it -"

"I have to go back!"

Ide does shake him this time and Matsuda goes quiet, shuddering. In the darkness they hear Aizawa draw a furious breath.

"If you go back," Ide says, trying to sound calm and like he knows what he's doing and that things haven't all gone to hell, "Takada's lot will catch you, and find out where the notebook's hidden. Then that'll make the last few days completely pointless, not to mention get us all killed."

"If it weren't for that, I'd turn you in myself," Aizawa says through gritted teeth. "God damn it, she'd done _nothing - _she was just being a good hostess and now her husband's dying in her arms -"

"Stop it!" Ide hears his own voice shake a bit, but he pretends it's through frustration with the other two. "He gets it, all right?"

Aizawa mutters something, but it's quiet enough that it doesn't reach the back seat. Matsuda shudders, and slowly brings his hands up, presses them to his face. Ide reaches out, awkwardly pats him on the shoulder. (It's dark, Aizawa won't see, Aizawa shouldn't fucking _care _at this juncture). Matsuda doesn't move, just curls more in on himself. They drive on.

ooo

Mikami watched as first the motorways faded away and then the lights and then other vehicles. Now there's just darkness. He thought he'd feel better once they got away from the lights - too much of it makes his head ache, and makes him think of, of _things, _of people going out drinking and partying and hurting and of being out late on the streets, being lost -

But the darkness is thick and solid out here and it's easier to sin in darkness like this, isn't it? The kind of thing which happens under streetlights happens because you are with people who think it is acceptable. The kind of thing which happens in this darkness are sins which you know are sins, but you commit them in the dark in the hope that no one will ever have to find out.

Mikami thinks that he knows which kind of sin he's committing.

Gevanni pulls off the road into deeper blackness - the headlights flare up with brambles for a few seconds before it all suddenly vanishes and the engine dies. It's very quiet out here. Mikami can't remember the last time any place has been so quiet. (Although he can't remember a lot, and so maybe other things have gone too, childhood memories, walks, silent afternoons -)

He takes a deep breath to remind himself that he can, and looks over at Gevanni. The man is leaning on the steering wheel, his head on his arms. Mikami wonders, as he has been on and off throughout the day, what he would do if Gevanni just died right in front of him, now, in this car. He would be grateful that another evil one had died, yes, because you want them all to disappear so that the world will be _better, _but he promised. He swore in God's name that he would not hurt Gevanni, that he would stay with him. _Like he stayed with me, _he finds himself thinking, and then - _no, he kidnapped me, he lied, he has only made things worse, and why did I swear to him like that when I knew? Why did I help him? Why didn't I - _

And then underneath that the voice of his god whispers _you know why, Teru Mikami; because you wanted friendship - you threw away your worship of me for flawed human companionship - and it wasn't even __**real**__ -_

He shivers and waits until it passes and then: "Gevanni-san?" he says, softly. His companion shifts, raises his head a little: "Yeah?"

Gevanni is hurt and when someone is hurt you are supposed to provide help and solace, whether they're your friend or not. It's a ridiculous argument, but it helps bridge the gaps enough for him to say something. To say, "Perhaps you should lie down?" He doesn't know if that would be the best thing. But Gevanni looks very pale in the darkness, and when he moves they can both smell the blood, mingled with the stink of sweat and upholstery.

"No," he says. "I might need to... you know, drive on again in a hurry."

"I suppose."

"I should... I should call Lidner," Gevanni says, sounding dazed and numb now, as if he's just woken up. "I should..." He shivers, suddenly, as he fumbles for the phone. Mikami feels the reality of it all slipping away, like he's watching all this from behind glass. It's not a good feeling, it just is. And then all at once he's back in himself and he is _tired _and his throat aches and he wants to get out of here, he wants to be home. It's all right, he knows he can't be, and he breathes in and out and just lets the feeling sit on him until it's weakened a little. It is a test. To see how much he can bear. But why is it always him who has to be tested? Why do other people have it easy?

He thinks, stupidly, that if he said this out loud, Gevanni would actually have an answer for it. This is stupid. Gevanni only has answers because Mikami has lost so much memory. But he -

Anyway. Gevanni is speaking in English now, hesitant, tired. Then snaps the phone shut, shoves it back into his pocket. Mikami doesn't like to see him do it so casually, like he's already forgotten the phone isn't his.

"She's going to come and meet us."

"And then?"

"I dunno. Reckon she's found somewhere to lie low. We can..." He glances at Mikami, then away. "It'll give us time to catch up on sleep. Fix the hole in my leg. Stuff like... like that. And... and someone should take a look at your injury as well. I never even... even _considered _going to medical school, so I'm probably..." He grins, and then the grin vanishes like when you blink away tears, and he lets his head slump again. "Probably best to keep talking. If you don't mind."

"I... I don't." It is not the talking he objects to, but he doesn't know what to say. He thinks he knows what Gevanni will want to say. _Why did you help me? Does that mean you've turned to my side? _And Mikami _hasn't, _he _can't, _it's just that he wasn't able to think what else to do, and what is wrong with him that at the crucial moment, he lost the ability to choose?

"Tell me more about what happened before... before all this," he says, instead. "The parts I can't remember."

Gevanni sighs. "Told you the important bits."

"I know, but I've forgotten so much." He lets the regret show, just a bit. He's actually _furious, _very deep down, that Gevanni took away the memories of judging the evildoers. That would have to have been one of the most perfect moments of his life and now it's been taken away, for good if Gevanni is telling the truth. But, but he can't think about it because he can't afford to get angry, not when he doesn't know which side to be on. "Did I... did I meet Kira, for instance?"

"No. Just passed messages through Takada, as I understand it. First time you saw what he looked like was at that warehouse."

Mikami tries to think back. If he saw Kira, he must be able to remember. Surely? But all he can do is picture fragments, like pieces of a dream. The small white-haired boy lying in a pool of blood. His own hands covered in ink. A man in a blue suit sinking to his knees. And the man about his age, with the golden-brown hair. Calm. No. Not calm, screaming and clutching his bloodstained hand - the images are hanging in his mind like stills from a film, and even as he tries to focus on them more they seem to fade.

"But you think he was not my god," he says.

"He... he wasn't anyone's god."

Mikami thinks that that's a stupid remark when Gevanni must have seen the Sakura TV rallies, the devoted worshippers, the hope in everyone's eyes. "He was given the power to punish evil."

"He was given the power to murder anyone he chose, and that's what he did. That's what you both did." Gevanni sighs, rubs a hand across his face. "Look... the last thing I need right now is an ideological debate. I... when I'm stronger, I'll tell you more stuff. But... I can't do this, not right now."

Mikami wants to force the issue. Doesn't he deserve to know? Doesn't he _need _to know, especially when they took his memories away, lied and stole and left him knowing that whatever move he makes will be wrong? But he trusts that Gevanni will tell him more, eventually. For some reason.

And so he nods, and, remembering an earlier conversation, says, "I didn't know you have a sister."

Gevanni laughs - or perhaps it's not a laugh - and lets his head slump again. He speaks more or less into his arms: "Yeah. Well. I don't. Not... not now."

"I'm sorry." Of course, that explains his awkwardness when he mentioned her earlier. "May I ask -"

"I wouldn't." Gevanni shivers. "Not... not right now, not when things are like this." He's trembling. "S... sorry, I shoot down all your openers, don't I?"

"It's all right." Mikami can hear that he sounds too polite, as though he's taking this too seriously, and he doesn't want to, he wants to sound competent, normal. So he does his best to do what is required of him. Asks Gevanni about where he went to college. They talk about classes and surviving on coffee, and junk food (Gevanni) and one meal a day (Mikami) and parties, and avoiding parties, and the night seems to stretch out around them, as if it's an exceptionally well-ordered dream.

Suddenly there's the growl of a vehicle in the distance. Gevanni tenses, looks round. Back down the road, from where they've come - headlights crawling over the mud and thorns.

"Not too fast..." Gevanni whispers, and Mikami realises that indeed the vehicle isn't fast enough to be their pursuers. It's slower, rattling - and it skids to a halt next to him. A hill of darkness. A van. It parks next to them, and the passenger window is rolled down. The blonde woman who was one of Takada's bodyguards, who was at the warehouse, raises an eyebrow at them. Gevanni sits up a little. "Took... took you long enough."

She smiles, thinly. "I spent most of the journey convincing Mello _not _to speed."

So there are others present. Mikami feels his heart kick him in the chest. This is what he was frightened of. Maybe Gevanni can be seen as... not good, but someone who might one day _might _be good. But that's how it goes - you start off associating with people who don't seem so bad and you end up being on the side of the evil ones, of people who don't care what they do. Mikami has a horrible feeling, suddenly, that he has taken the wrong path. If he were truly good he would get out of here while he can, or, or he would fight, he would kill them, but he isn't, he can only sit still -

Hal Lidner has climbed out of the van, and Gevanni is opening the door. She's helping him out of the car now - English phrases jump out at Mikami: _can you stand? I'm __**fine**__ - _ And now the driver is climbing out, hooded, face of shadow. (Sometimes - not often - Mikami dreamt about people with no faces. He remembers that.) Wrenches open the car door. "Hey. You." Sneering voice, accented Japanese. "We're leaving." The glint of moonshine in one eye. _Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I will fear no evil. _Mikami makes himself look the enemy in the face. That helps grip the fear, just a bit.

The figure - Mello - grabs him, wrenches him forward. Lidner sighs. "Don't give him a hard time, all right? He's forgotten -"

"He says he's forgotten."

"He has, all right?" That's Gevanni, sounding tired and irritated. "The last thing he needs right now is your attitude."

"Let's just get away from here," Lidner says.She's opening the back of the van, helping Gevanni inside. "Mikami-san - can you join me, please? I could do with an extra pair of hands if Gevanni's really hurt, and I wouldn't trust Mello's doctoring skills."

Mello snorts. "Some people might be grateful for me driving hundreds of miles out in the middle of bloody nowhere to pick up their friends." The inside of the van smells of oil and leather and, faintly, of sawdust. Mikami kneels on its floor and tries not to think of how filthy it is. Gevanni scrambles in and sinks down as well, gritting his teeth.

"Hold off on playing doctors and nurses for a bit," Mello says, scrambling into the driver's seat. "I want to put some distance between us and the car."

"You're just going to leave it?" Lidner says.

Mello isn't looking at them - the van starts up, shuddering underneath them - but Mikami hears the grin in his voice as he says, "I'll go back and tidy up, don't worry."

"This is going to involve fire, isn't it," Gevanni mutters.

"I'm just saying if you've got someone else's phone on you, you may as well give me that, too. Two birds, one stone, you know?"

The van lurches, judders on every bump as they weave along the road. Eventually it stops, and Mello climbs out again, calling back, "Be good, kids," as he goes.

Mikami feels something cold and hard - a torch - pressed into his hands. Numbly, he switches it on. Lidner has already got a first aid kit open beside her, directs him to shine the light over Gevanni. The man is horribly pale in the torchlight, like that's the only thing giving him colour. "You don't look fine," Lidner is commenting. And a hand to his forehead - "You're burning up."

"It wasn't that... that bad. It just..." Gevanni swallows, blinks. "Mikami got me out of there." Their eyes meet for a second. Mikami wonders if Gevanni can guess that part of him is wishing he'd made the right choice back at the service station. Lidner just shrugs and says lightly, "Glad to hear it." She glances at Mikami for a second, then turns her attention to Gevanni's wound.

Mikami thinks that he falls asleep - or perhaps doesn't, because the two figures in front of him don't vanish, don't sink into darkness, but just hang there, edged in the gold of the torchlight, and it's his mind which seems to change, seems, for a few moments, to _know _everything, to know what's right. Then the van door slams, and all of that knowledge rushes away. He aches and his eyes hurt and the van smells of antiseptic. Hospitals.

There's creaking and rustling as Mello clambers back into the driving seat. He smells of smoke. Lidner doesn't look round from Gevanni, but she says, dryly, "What did you do?"

"Just a little disfigurement. Don't worry, it's all legal. Well... it isn't, but that's the least of our problems." Scrabbling; suddenly he's leaning over the seats, blocking out the night sky. Mikami sees his face properly now and his heart lurches at the sight of it. It's like a face drawn in chalk that someone's run their hand across, tried to rub out.

"How are our guests?" it says, and Mikami can hardly believe words are coming from it. He looks away, down at the floor. This man faced the judgement of God and survived. Even if you survive, how much must it hurt? And it shows and everyone can see what happened to you. Everyone will look.

"Fine," Gevanni says again, but he mumbles it now, as if he's tired. Lidner shakes her head. "I don't like you having a fever."

"It... it was a graze, it barely touched me," Gevanni says, trying to sit up a little. "Probably just from... you know, too little food and lack of sleep. Besides, what would you do... call a doctor?"

"My point proven." Mello smirks; seeing him do that is even more of a jolt, that his face is capable of normal expression at all. "And I'd quite like to get out of the middle of nowhere and back to somewhere where there aren't fields."

"All right," Lidner says. "Here." She pulls her own jacket off. "At least keep warm, Gevanni."

"There, what more do you want?" Mello leans over to prod Lidner on the arm. "Keep an eye on the loony as well, okay?" He says something in English now that Mikami doesn't catch. Lidner rolls her eyes, takes the torch back. Mello slides back down into the driver's seat, starts the engine again, and the torchlight flicks off and they're all in the dark.

After a while Mello turns the radio on; skips between stations, music, words. Mikami's always hated people who do that. Not that he listens to the radio much anyway. He only puts it on to listen to the news, or to a particular programme, if it's something he is actually interested in. He doesn't just have it on all the time like it replaces thoughts. With Gevanni-san it was _different, _they _needed _it, it was for information, but Mello is just, Mello is just - He is angry suddenly, anger welling up in his throat, pressing against the laceration, and it sticks in his gullet as if the nib of the pen were still there with strands of flesh trailing from it. He imagines the idea, of doing it, of how hard you would have to stab. He hadn't stabbed hard enough, so does that mean he didn't really want to die? He remembers holding the pen, palm damp against it, and he'd been wondering if the dampness was sweat or ink or blood. Why had he thought it would be blood? He doesn't remember the actual deed, though. Gevanni-san explained. But he could be _lying _he could be _lying _and Mikami is just letting him lie and being led into sin and why is he even hesitating about death?

_"... murdered in cold blood -" _Takada says, sorrowfully.

He jumps, but it really is her. It's the news. She's talking about the other people they're looking for.

They all listen and eventually Mello mutters, "You said it's that lot who actually know where the notebook is?"

"That's right," Lidner says.

"Oh, _brilliant. _Congratulations to the FBI on its fucking excellent planning skills._"_

Lidner shrugs. "I'm sure none of us have attained the level of intellect you'd hope for, Mello, but we're all you have at the moment."

"Yes, but why did you give them the responsibility of hiding the damn thing? They're idiots, they worked with Kira for five years and didn't even notice!"

"We should find them," Gevanni cuts in. "They'll... it sounds like she's released pictures of them as well. If we don't find them, Kira will -"

"And this will all have been for nothing, blah, blah, be heroic. Lidner did the whole spiel before when she was convincing me to come and find _you._ Wonderful." Mello stretches, actually taking both hands off the wheel for a moment. Mikami pictures the van crashing, chopping them all up into red wet nothing. It's a sharp, jagged thought, but it's not entirely horrible. "Okay. Let's get going. This is going to be a long night."


	8. Romance

(A/N: This chapter contains (non-graphic) het sex.)

They have the radio on while they drive. Matsuda really wishes they didn't; it makes him feel like he's constantly being shoved off his feet, and if he dared he would yell at them to turn it off or at least press his hands to his ears and try and lose the noise in the hiss of blood. Of course he's not going to do that because he's not a coward, he can face up to what he's done, if - if Sato-san _is - _if Matsuda actually _has - _

Except that he _can't _have, he never set out to kill anyone, he was just trying to be decisive, he was just trying to get them out of the situation - it was an _accident - _

_Of course it wasn't, _his memory reminds him, _I meant to fire the gun - it wasn't like I just __**tripped**__ or something - _

He'd been trying to sort everything out. Thinking that he couldn't just wait to be caught, and there was no way he was going to kill Raito, so he had to take the initiative, act like an adult for once. He'd thought that if he shot the phone then that would be it. He'd let himself think that being brave enough to take action meant what he did would work out. He didn't think about how likely it was he could make the shot, or what might happen if he missed. Just - wanting to be _decisive, _remembering how, before, he'd held back on shooting Raito dead and - maybe that was it, maybe subconsciously he'd just wanted someone dead -

_It won't, right, it won't have killed him, he was still alive when we left and - and Ide told her to call an ambulance, they'll have got there and saved him and - it's still not __**good**__ but - _

It hurts, waiting like this, so desperate to hear good news, sometimes almost dozing off and dreaming that he's found out, that he's off the hook, and sometimes his thoughts getting faster and faster as they run through what it'll mean if the guy didn't survive. He wants to cling onto someone and tell them how scared he is and have them tell him it's going to be fine, he's just getting worked up over nothing like he always does. He wants to have someone hug him because you can hold onto them and it feels like you've got something safe keeping you up. Of course there's no way in hell he's going to go near Ide while Aizawa's a foot away from them. And besides, even if they were on their own it'd look like he thinks he deserves someone to make out with him because he's had such a bad time. He _should _feel guilty, of course he should, but he's always been weak, so is it so surprising now that he wants the bad feelings to go away?

And then suddenly there's the news beginning. Matsuda feels like he's going to be sick and very nearly doesn't give a damn about what everyone thinks and clutches at Ide anyway. He clenches his fists, though, tries not to think about how scared he feels, how difficult it is to get out each breath.

Takada starts to speak.

_"Ryokan owner Hirota Sato was murdered in cold blood by the fugitives. He was an innocent man, killed by those who have no concern for the weak..."_

For a moment there's just disbelief, the desperate hope that he's misunderstood, or is dreaming, and underneath, the knowledge that he isn't and he knows he isn't and horror is splitting his chest open, cutting his throat -

_"If good citizens do not find these people, tonight's tragedy will only be repeated. We haven't yet been vigilant enough. We haven't been as strong as Lord Kira wants us to be. Once again, I implore all our listeners to keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour and to report it by calling the following number..."_

Aizawa swears under his breath. Ide is very still, staring ahead, not looking at Matsuda. The night is still dark and nothing's changed, the car hums along as smoothly as it did a minute ago, the dashboard and clock glow orange, and Matsuda feels like he's falling and why the hell is nobody noticing?

_I killed someone_, he thinks, testing it out like he hopes it won't sound as bad as it is, _I killed someone. _But it doesn't sound good _or _bad, it just sounds stupid, made-up.

_I killed someone and then just ran out the door and left him. I didn't even try and help him. Even Ide stopped to tell her to call an ambulance - she was nice to us and - I just ran out the door - _he _tried _to go back, he _said _he would, but they hadn't let him - and maybe he wouldn't have done even so, maybe he would have wussed out -

He is slumped with his head on his hands and he's just trying so hard to keep everything as it was, keep the darkness and silence and chatter of the radio and not disturb it even though he feels like the shock of what's happened is going to rip its way out of him. He breathes in and breathes out and _this can't go on forever, _he tells himself, _sooner or later something will happen, _the hiss of the car against the road and lights passing over them. _There's nothing I can do but sooner or later something will happen. _But he doesn't know what to do, and what's the point of doing anything now except giving himself up? Anything he does will just make it look like _oh, yeah, sure, I killed a guy but it's not a big deal, I'm still going to go on with life like normal, chill out why don't you..._ And he works over and over on the thoughts, squashing them down, trying to make them fit in his head properly, and if it's too difficult at least it stops him looking at them properly.

At some point, the car stops - just at the side of the road, like Aizawa doesn't know what to do either. Ide's telling him to get some rest, but they drive on anyway, they come off the motorway, they drive down darker and darker roads. At last, when there are no more lights, they stop and Aizawa clambers over into the passenger seat and a few seconds later he's snoring. The journey having stopped doesn't make Matsuda feel any better; at least when they were moving he could kid himself they had something to aim for. Now there's just darkness and silence and all the thinking. God, when he fired he could feel even then that it wasn't going to work, knew the angle wasn't right, but it was like it wasn't really happening, like what he _really _wanted to do was lock solid and he had to do something, anything -

Ide's half-up - of course, he's going to move into the front and take over the driving - but as Matsuda looks round at him, he awkwardly sits back down again like he was caught trying to sneak out and says, grumpily, "You should try and sleep too."

It doesn't feel like there is any point in trying to sleep. It's as much as Matsuda can do just to sit still and not start yelling or crying or acting like a lunatic. Not that he can explain that.

"Too cold," he says instead, which is at least sort-of true.

Silence again. Of course, Aizawa's asleep now. Matsuda could easily reach out, in the dark, pull Ide close, get the comforting and the touch he thought he wanted. But now he's suddenly scared at the thought - that he _will _get what he asked for and it won't do a thing, and he'll get fully how much trouble he's in.

Why is he even thinking like this, anyway? What sort of sick twisted weirdo kills someone and then starts thinking about how much they want to make out? What sort of arrogant loser thinks that anyone would _want _to make out with them after they've done something so bad?

The silence gets thicker and thicker and he wonders if maybe Ide thinks he's expecting to be talked to, maybe Ide thinks that Matsuda thinks because they've kissed and stuff that cancels it out, that that's what you do when it's romance. _That I'm that stupid. _To be honest Matsuda has no clue where romance fits in with this. In most love stories either all the characters have killed people because it's an action setting, or the question never comes up because they've got a bunch of hilarious or bittersweet misunderstandings to get round.

In real life, sure, you get people who've killed someone and then their wife or girlfriend keeps it quiet, gives them an alibi, helps them hide the body. And then when it's all found out they cry and say that they thought he still loved them, that's why they did it. But that doesn't fit either. He and Ide only started doing this because they were scared and tired and lonely. Now they're going to be even more so, but it's Matsuda's fault, so why the hell would Ide want to seek comfort with him?

These thoughts are going round and round and making less sense every time and the silence is squashing Matsuda's lungs and if he and Ide have a fight at least it'll be better than this, any kind of conversation has to be better than this, so he takes a deep breath and then he says, "I didn't mean to."

Which is a stupid thing to start off with because first of all, he doesn't know any more if it's true, and second of all, it's like he thinks just saying that will make it all better. But before he can explain, show he's not that arrogant, Ide has shifted, looked round at him, and says, "I never said you did."

His voice sounds far away too, like he's more than half-asleep, but Matsuda can see the moonlight glinting in one eye. The response is fair enough, but Matsuda wishes he hadn't heard it anyway. It's, like, Ide is just all _what can I say? What do you want me to do? _And there _isn't _anything that can be done. That's the point.

"I mean..." Ide carries on, hopeless, like he knows these won't be the right words, "I mean, you were just being an idiot. You didn't..." But then he trails off. Matsuda nearly yells at him _don't you start hinting stuff! I __**was**__ just being an idiot, you think I wanted anyone to die? You think I like things happening like this? _But he doesn't - partly he doesn't have the energy to shout, and also he's too scared if he does he'll never stop, he'll just be screaming and screaming, and it isn't like he can prove Ide wrong, stupid people make mistakes but those aren't usually _bad _mistakes - it's evil people who kill -

He's a _criminal _now. He doesn't know why he didn't think of it earlier. Before he was only one because NHN said so but _now - _now he's someone that _anyone _would want dead. _He _would want him dead, if he were reading about this case. Thinking how awful it was that an innocent couple doing nothing wrong could have their lives destroyed by some mad gunman and wishing the perpetrator dead just so that he couldn't keep on doing it, thinking it was okay, not even being sorry - and he should have _known, _back at the warehouse he was trying his hardest not to stop Raito but to kill him and he got a free pass on that and he didn't learn -

He is slumped over, arms resting on his knees, and he is trying to keep the thoughts in his head and he's trying to just breathe in and breathe out but it feels like there's something stuck in his throat and that makes him think of Mikami, and then of Raito, Raito screaming -

Ide grabs him, shakes him sharply, almost as if he's physically choking on something. He gasps for breath and suddenly he's crying, or perhaps he already was and didn't notice, it all breaks down and even as he tries to keep it together tears are spilling down his face Just that all the control he's been trying to keep is suddenly lost and all he can do is clutch at Ide and they're holding each other, Ide's hands on his back, head resting on his.

"Stop it," Ide says at last, his voice humming against Matsuda's face. "We can't go to pieces now."

Matsuda wants to believe him, have it be the two of them helping each other to stay calm in the face of the pressure they're under. It's messed up and wrong and _evil _but he wants it anyway and so he raises his head, presses his lips to Ide's. For one moment he thinks the other man will just freeze up, unresponsive, appalled that Matsuda could even think of doing this, but he doesn't - after a pause, he kisses back, wraps his arms more closely around Matsuda.

It doesn't work, though. Kissing is something that's meant to make you feel all floaty and happy and just thinking about _you _and how the other person is _touching you _and how nothing else matters because you're getting kissed. Now Matsuda can feel the ache in his throat and his chest, and taste his own tears and, on Ide's mouth, the faint echo of the meal they all ate, that Mariko Sato cooked for them before they -

There's no one that can make this better, and that's _good, _that's how it _should _be if you've murdered someone but what are you meant to do if you can't give yourself up, if all you can do is keep running away?

They move apart now. Ide is glancing away, shifting a little like he feels bad about doing that as well. Ide got freaked out enough just by, say, them listening to Raito and Takada kiss, over the intercom. Being expected to be all romantic - which he's terrible at anyway - with a murderer, being expected to sort-of-just forget about the death because suddenly he's supposed to have some sort of commitment, to how a romance _should _go if not to Matsuda himself - if Matsuda's going to be selfish enough to force someone to make him feel better and tell him everything's all right, there are people whom it's less mean to do that to.

"You're... you're right," he says, and pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to kid himself it's almost as warm as lying against someone else. "I should get some sleep while... while I can."

"It..." Ide stops, and then just sighs, and says, "Right. I'll move us on in a bit but you don't... you just rest, all right?"

Matsuda huddles in the corner of the seat, where the window is clammy against the side of his face and he can feel the night air tickling his fingers. Telling himself that he's got to be brave, got to deal with this himself, helps a bit. Lets him pretend there's still some way he can redeem himself, at least.

ooo

This room is small and too hot and it smells funny too, of sweat. Misa never really thought about what it would be like coming here. You joked about it but you never imagined doing it; it was for grown-ups, parents having affairs, or the bad kids who smoked and then stubbed them out on the backs of people's necks. But she kind of always thought it would be a bit glamorous, at least, a bit _cool. _It's not. The carpet is dull red and the ceiling's too low and as she sinks down onto the bed the mattress sinks with her and springs throb inside it.

Mogi stands at the doorway, not looking at her. Misa thinks if she meets his gaze she might, she might cry or scream or throw something at him and she doesn't want to do that so she scowls down at her feet instead, wrenches off her shoes. Her legs ache. They walked along the side of a motorway for miles and she stomped ahead and refused to hold Mogi's arm at any point. She knows he thinks it was because she's angry with him, and it _was, _but it was also because she was crying; stupid, silent tears constantly oozing down over her face, and he wasn't going to see them.

Mogi closes the door behind them, gently, but then just stands there. There isn't a chair in this room either. You're not supposed to be doing anything you don't need a bed for. You're not supposed to -

The tears are back, suddenly. Furious, she rubs them away, but Mochi has already spotted them, is looking concerned. She glares at him as fiercely as she can. She doesn't need him. She doesn't _need _him, she doesn't need anyone except Raito and she's lost him, she's so stupid, it's all her fault -

There's a little TV in the corner; she hurries over to it, flicks it on and hastily navigates it away from the pay-per-view channel it was set to and over to NHN. Sits down, crossing her arms, and waits, trying to think. She told Mochi he had to help her find Raito and keep him safe. So that's what she's trying to do. Find Raito and help him however he needs to be helped. Except that Raito's with Takada, and Misa's smart enough to know the woman is probably just _itching _for an excuse to get rid of her. Raito's probably told Takada that Misa isn't useful any more, that Takada is so much better.

It just... if Raito needed someone, why didn't he come to Misa? Why didn't he know he could trust her? She knows that's stupid, that Takada's really famous right now and has all those bodyguards, but her mind keeps asking the question anyway. Like she's _trying _to make herself miserable. (But why didn't he even call her? Did he really think she was completely useless?)

"Are you going to stand there all night?" she snaps at Mochi, and he blinks. Before he can answer she carries on, "It's okay, you can come and sit on the bed, Misa doesn't think you're going to do anything bad, it isn't like you ever _lie _to me or anything -"

She expects Mochi just to look vaguely regretful like he usually does when something he doesn't like happens, but he glances away from her, seeming to grit his teeth, like he actually cares about her being mad. That should make her feel better, that someone else is upset, but it just makes her feel even more tired and scared. Like when you're a kid and you have a tantrum and want to stop and can't. Like everything's falling to bits and she can't fix any of it, she needs Raito, she has to help him and - and Mochi _never _cares about stuff really, he's just polite and lets her cling onto him when her shoes hurt her -

She turns away as he comes to sit down on the bed - it creaks even more and she feels the mattress sloping down towards him. She wants to lean against him, bury her face in his shoulder and just, just stop trying not to cry because it hurts your throat after a while, swallowing tears -

She pulls her knees to her chest instead, hugs them, scowls at the TV. It's some stupid game show, trying to make her laugh.

All this time she was so _terrified _that Raito could be dead and she was trying to be brave and Mochi knew all along - how on earth can he _not _expect her to be mad? Anyone would be, being treated like that, lied to and dragged halfway across the country and - and made to look _stupid, _stupid in front of your family - Fuyumi clearly thought it was _all her fault, _again - obviously thought there was no way this fiance could exist because of Misa cuddling up to Mochi -

And all those stupid, _stupid _thoughts. She wants to burn herself to death thinking about them. That Mochi was sweet to be worried about her and it was kind of fun playing house with him and, she was _partly _thinking, tonight, maybe if they both had a little drink they perhaps - if something happened, just a kiss and cuddle - she's _owed _that, after all, and it would only be _Mochi, _Raito wouldn't care - and all that time he was lying to her - she thought he'd be _shy -_

Maybe there's a minibar in this room, maybe after the news she can have a drink and then she'll be able to sleep at least. Right now she's pretty sure she'll never be able to sleep again. But not til after the news. Kiyomi hasn't got her that beaten.

When it finally comes on she can hardly make sense of what Takada is saying. The words seem random, it's who's saying them that's important. And she feels sick and sweaty and blotchy and if Kiyomi saw her sitting in this second-rate love hotel she'd just smile and say, say to Raito -

_"He was an innocent man -"_

Misa yanks at her hair, and that makes her listen properly. Even though what's being said still doesn't make a lot of sense. Well. No. In one way it makes perfect sense, Matsu and the others are the bad guys and so they've killed innocent people, they just shot some guy because, (and the family all saw), but she's always thought they're kind of _funny, _they need Raito so much even though they're all so much older and - this isn't funny, not really, not really at all...

After a bit, she looks round at Mochi. He's staring at the screen, pale, one of the few times she's actually seen him looking properly horrified.

"Takada's stupid," she says, not sure why. "She doesn't know anything."

Mogi doesn't seem to hear her at first. Eventually, he blinks, turns to look at her. He looks very tired, she notices.

"Something must have... gone wrong," he says at last. "Someone could have tried to attack them, or..."

"Yeah." But then, she doesn't see why she should be trying to make him feel better, so she just shrugs and turns her back.

"Misa," he says, "I don't -"

"I don't care." Her voice is going croaky now as she remembers how angry she is, but she clenches her fists and makes herself carry on: "You lied to me and made me think he was in trouble and he's _fine _and he's with her and... and I can't... I can't..."

She was about to say _I can't get back to him. _

Except that's not true, of course. She could wait until Mochi's gone to sleep - he looks so tired already - and then she could creep out of the room, go downstairs, find the nearest payphone. Or ask the hotel clerk to call for her. Takada's people would arrive, arrest Mochi, and then Raito would know whose side his fiancee was on, he would... he would see...

Takada wouldn't want him to, though. Takada might even have her taken away as well, like say she'd obviously been helping Mochi and so was against Kira. At the very least, she could say _it isn't safe for you to go see Raito, you've been hanging around with his enemies. _Misa rubs her eyes, presses the palms of her hands to them. She's so tired. And nothing makes sense, in her head all the facts are tangled up and she can't sort them out. She should _know _she always turns to Raito. Just because she's away from him, and she's back in Kansai, it makes it hard. All the memories she had of him, the ones that prove he loves her, she can't get to them. Like trying to remember the tune of one song when another is playing.

"You should try and get some sleep," Mogi says at last. She feels him move a little closer to her.

"I don't _want _to sleep. I want to..." But she doesn't know what it is she wants. No... she wants to be able to cry, properly, without having to hide it.

"Look... Misa, I..." He stops, and she isn't expecting him to get up the guts to carry on so she is startled when he says, "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to do what seemed best and..."

"_Best?_"

Awkward silence. She looks round at him; he's staring dully at the floor.

"I meant what I said," he says at last. "He doesn't love you. We both know that."

To have her own fear stated so calmly, like it's nothing - she's whirled round before she can think and she's grabbed at his shirt front and she's screaming "Shut up, _shut up -_" Even as she does it she thinks how stupid it makes her look. He could pick her up off the floor if he wanted, she can't stop him doing anything, the only thing she is better than him at doing is talking and, and lying and now he's even defeated her in those -

And then she is crying, like she wanted to, pathetic howls like she's a kid, like laughter, like she's crazy - and she cries and cries and Mogi, after a few seconds, is nervously patting her, stroking her hair. And she thinks, she thinks about her stupid little plan to kiss him, about how it would have been _nice, _how it wouldn't have mattered, and - and she is thinking, _why not? Why not, really?_

She is so scared. She doesn't think she's ever been this scared - not in the nights after Mum and Dad died; not when Ryuzaki had her tied up in the dark. She is frightened and she hardly even knows why, just that she's being swept away in it and normally she would summon up the thought of Raito and imagine him holding her, telling her not to worry, that he'd protect her, and she can't do that now.

If she just lies here in alone in the darkness and thinks about all this stuff, then she thinks she might actually go crazy. She can't do it. She just can't.

And she needs to cope. She needs to help herself cope. Raito will understand.

She feels herself take a little, quick breath, and then she leans in and kisses Mogi. It's not how she imagined it to be, but it's touch, at least, warmth, the softness of someone else's lips. She doesn't remember ever being so nervous with a kiss before. Raito always kissed _her, _so she knew he wanted it, and with other guys it was just a game, she didn't care. She always cared with Raito. And somehow she cares now, with Mochi. Not that she - not that she, but, she is on her own and she needs someone to help her and she _can't _think about how badly she's ruined everything - she needs to be strong for Raito -

Mochi hasn't pulled away, but he's still, hesitating.

"Misa," he says, his breath warm on her lips, "what are you doing?"

"It's a kiss, Mochi. Haven't - haven't you had one before?" She wants to sound flirty, but she just sounds choked up.

He sighs, turning his face away - she can't tell if he's irritated or what - and he puts his hands on her shoulders, leans down to look her in the eye. Like she's a kid or something, or like _she's _the one who's being stupid or who's screwed up, not him. "Don't be silly." And then he stops, like he's not sure what to say next, like he's never done this before. Swallows, then: "What I've been saying about - about Raito, that isn't because I wanted you to do _this -_"

Like a slap to the face. She actually hears her breathing shake as if she hurts too much to do it properly. Because she's sad about Raito, of course, because she's so frightened about that, that even this tiny, _unimportant _rejection hurts.

"Well, I'm sorry," she makes herself say. Horribly, her voice is still swollen with tears. She wants to have some dignity. She wants to be able, for once, to act all ice queen like Kiyomi. "I'm sorry it isn't what you wanted. Looks like no one's getting what they want tonight, are they?"

"That's not..." He stops. She keeps staring at him. It doesn't make sense. She's always assumed he thought she was at least a little bit pretty, they all did, right? Everyone thought she was pretty. (Raito clearly didn't, her mind says now.) He probably would prefer some girl who was older and smarter or at least not a complete emotional _wreck_, a girl with no horrible stories in her past and a big family who loved her..

"Go on, say it!" she hisses at him. "I'm not going to do all the talking this time! Say it to Misa's face! Tell me how much you don't like me!"

"I never said I didn't like you!"

The words are wrenched out of him and they sound _real, _or rather, they don't, they sound like what someone would say in a drama, or what Raito, in her head, sometimes says, but not Mochi who never says anything...

She stares at him and, blushing, he carries on, "I do... of course I like you, but... that doesn't mean..."

She feels hot and buzzing and terribly sad and yet floating, like you sometimes do when you've cried a lot.

"It's not appropriate," he says. "It never has been."

She actually giggles. Nothing's _appropriate, _not right now, is it? Everything is messed up and horrible. He's a liar and she's cheating on her fiance who loves her.

And she knows she should be feeling guilty but she doesn't _care, _she is _tired _of Raito taking her for granted, and if he won't show up in her head this time to protect her then Mochi will just have to be a stand-in. When was the last time she had sex? She's not sure she can even _remember. _And she's not - she's _not _just going to sit around crying - she's going to make something happen, like she always does. _Stay strong. Stay strong for Raito. _(If she keeps thinking that, she can avoid the really, really awful thought that he wouldn't _care _if she sleeps with someone else.)

She doesn't say all that stuff, though. She just leans close to Mogi and he puts his arms round her and then she looks up at him and they're kissing again.

Things move quickly after that. As soon as they move apart this time he's looking at her with that other look, the dreamy unfocused look guys are meant to get when they've kissed her. The one Raito doesn't have nearly often enough. This time, thinking of Raito doesn't make her feel sad or scared, it opens up all the anger again and it's so thick for a second that she can't breathe. It isn't just Raito, it's Mochi and Fuyumi and Kiyomi and everything, but she wants to scream, to hurt, and now she's kissing Mochi again, fiercely, greedily, scrabbling at his clothes, and he's trembling and his hands are on her back, tangled in her hair, holding her close. He's being gentle, like she imagined he would be, touching her like she'd break, but she's dizzy with the rage, and all the crying from earlier, and the throbbing of blood all through her, and she wants him to be feeling as much as that. She kisses at his throat and his chest and she wriggles herself in close, knees on either side of him, the mattress groaning beneath them. He's holding her waist and she feels his hands go still and he asks her if she's sure, like he still doesn''t trust her, like she's the one who's been lying.

"Of course Misa's sure," she says. And just to make it clear to both of them that she's going through with this, she takes hold of his hand and guides it up under her skirt.

And now the anger's gone, there's only the heat and the humming in her head but the bad feelings are swept away on the warmth pulsing inside her. Far, far back in her head, she thinks to herself _what am I doing, what am I even doing, _but her thoughts aren't important any more, there's only her feelings and they're what moves her now, making her dig her fingers into his back and arch and twist against him and if she is angry it's only because bits of real life are caught on the two of them - tangled clothes and the bed creaking beneath them and her legs still aching from the walk and the wait when he has to turn away from her and scrabble in the nightstand drawer. She doesn't want real life any more. This is a detour from it, just like making a movie is. When you're beautiful and you're a star and everything you do is wonderful. This is what Raito was _supposed _to give her -

(That thought wasn't meant to be there, that thought isn't true -)

No. No, she's not going to let _anything _ruin this, she hasn't felt this amazing in forever, and she clutches Mochi's shoulders and her tangled hair sticks to her neck and white hot spotlights flare up behind her eyes. She hears herself crying out and she thinks that she almost sounds angry again, or sad, and she remembers that she wondered, idly, if Mochi was as quiet in bed as he was the rest of the time, and then she figures even if he did make a sound, she probably drowned him out.

And then she's back in reality again. At first, just sensations - hot and sticky and all tangled up with another person who's much taller than she is - and the sheets smell faintly of cigarettes. The air tastes good, though, cool and fresh in her mouth. They're both lying still, as if they're hiding, or just been in a car crash and not daring to move in case it brings everything down on them.

Mochi still has his arms round her, is still holding her so gently. Fragments of thoughts float down on her now. _He loves me, so it's not so bad he lied. Worried about me, wanted me to be okay. That's nice. Thinks I'm special. _And _of course he doesn't like Raito. Of course he'd say mean things about him. _Everything's a little bit more all right. She just needed to know someone loved her.

They lie in silence for a bit. She thinks Mochi's half-asleep, and she likes the feeling of being the only one awake to enjoy this newer, safer place. A bit later - maybe she dozed as well - she leans up to flick the bedside lamp on, put off the top light. It makes it cosier. Mochi obviously feels her move, because he shifts a little, opens his eyes.

"Are you all right?" he whispers.

"Yes."

She hopes he'll doze off again, that they can just lie here in their own shadow world, but he sits up a little, listening. There isn't much to hear - the slam of a door outside, below them, and faint creaks and moans from other rooms. Misa wants to giggle, but then she sees Mogi reach for the TV remote and she grabs at his wrist. "Oh, come on, who wants to see Kiyomi at this time of night?"

"I need to keep track of the situation," he says. "Your sister..."

Misa shivers. Fuyumi would have - sure, she might not have called NHN right away, but - she'd come back, see the flat all messy. Maybe she'd think Mogi had kidnapped Misa. Or that he'd tried to hurt her. Even if she didn't call NHN, she might call the police.

She lets go of Mogi, and he flicks the TV on again. The screen flickers, harsh white compared to the dark glow of the lamp. Misa cuddles up to Mogi - see, she wanted someone to cuddle as well, it's horrible being frightened and not being able to hold on to anyone - and they both watch.

But there are no special broadcasts. Even when the news comes on - it's not Takada this time, she's obviously gone home to sleep - it's just the same announcements it was before. There's the stuff about Matsu and the others killing that guy, of course, but nothing about Mochi.

"Maybe Fuyumi's hoping I'll come back and admit how dumb I was," Misa says. "Maybe she doesn't want me to think she hates me, so she's kept her mouth shut." It isn't totally convincing - Fuyumi would be way more likely to call NHN and then be all _it was for your own good, Misa, _but she clearly _hasn't, _not yet.

Mogi is silent for a few seconds, then, at last, he says, "She was worried about you."

"Huh?"

"She was worried that you might have got caught up with Kira somehow. Be in danger."

The thoughts are slinking back now. Misa scowls at them.

"Guess she's right," she hears herself say. "Not that Misa _knew, _of course. Still, she'd be all _you should have worked it out, how could you be so irresponsible..." _

_Should have known he didn't love you._

She takes a deep, slow breath, and she tries to confront that thought head-on. She doesn't know it. She _doesn't, _it - it's not true, she - she'll talk to Raito, she'll get him to explain - maybe she'll tell him about what she's done tonight, show him she means business, she needs to hear that he cares about her. And he'll...

Only perhaps he _won't, _perhaps if - if he really doesn't want - perhaps if he's looking for an excuse then maybe he'll tell her to go off with Mogi if that's what she wants -

Well - well, _she _can say to him _what about Kiyomi, huh? What about that? _and he'd say that that was for the investigation, only... only of course it _wasn't, _because he's Kira, so he came up with the idea to start seeing Takada just because he wanted to see her... he chose her to be his spokesperson and then told the task force he had to investigate her and - _I could have helped, _she wants to scream at him, _if you'd asked, I'd have helped - _

She can say _well, Mochi made me feel better than __**you**__ ever did _and even if it's not true, she knows it will make Raito angry, hearing he wasn't very good at something, and she feels her mouth curve into a smile at the thought before she catches up with herself. She's not supposed to be planning a fight, she's supposed to be... to be planning how to get him back.

(It isn't quite true. It isn't like Raito hasn't sometimes made her feel so amazing she thought she would die. It's more like that Mochi clearly really _wanted _to make her feel amazing. And like she feels if she could hurt him if she wanted to, that he actually cares about how all this ends up. With Raito sometimes she wanted to slap him just because she cared so much and it was so tiring sometimes and it just wasn't quite fair that he didn't have to feel that way.)

The point is that she can't get him back, not until Kiyomi's out of the picture.

"Hey..." she says, cuddling up against Mogi, pulling the covers more over herself, "Kiyomi knows about him being Kira, right? And what it is that you guys have stolen?"

"Yes." He puts an arm round her, strokes her hair, but she can feel him tensing a little. He doesn't really want to talk about the situation either. Fair enough. Misa's thoughts are telling her just to focus on how weird it is (and yet kind of nice) that she and Mochi are cuddling with no clothes on in bed together. To notice everything in case it never happens again.

But Misa-Misa is brave, and she can't be angry she was lied to if she doesn't do anything with the truth.

If Kiyomi knows that stuff, that probably means she knows how to get Kira to kill people. Or how to use whatever it is that - that Raito uses. (Raito's killed, like, _hundreds _of people. It isn't exactly a bad thought - it's just mind-blowing, like finding out, say, someone you know is an Olympic athlete, or helped split the atom, or something.) The point is that Misa really, _really _needs to keep a low profile, make Kiyomi forget about her. Or at least think she isn't going to steal Raito back. And Misa doesn't particularly want the woman to screw things up for Mochi, either. Mochi's been nice to her. Kiyomi has always been horrible.

So. So, Misa can stay with Mochi, stay hiding. Two people checking into love hotels, that's still a good cover. She thinks she'll be able to keep it together now that she has _someone _who likes her. She can stay hiding and see what Raito and Kiyomi do. Either they won't find her and Mochi, so they'll just go on as they are; or they will, but hopefully Misa will get a chance to talk to Raito. Ask him what - what he's doing, whether he wants - Just ask him stuff. She should get Mochi to tell her stuff, then she can hopefully make Kiyomi think she knows loads of useful information and of course it would make sense for Raito to ask her about it. And then they'll have a chance to talk.

"You guys would want to arrest Kiyomi?" she says, thinking about it. Okay, that would be another way it could work out. Hey, maybe Raito would make it look like Kiyomi had been Kira all along and she'd be executed and -

- there's no way Raito would let himself get caught, Misa doesn't need to worry about that -

_But _she'd still like to talk to him and... like, say if this did all get sorted for the task force and Raito ran away, Misa would hate to always be thinking of him out there, always waiting and wondering if he'd come back. Like, even if it was stupid, even if there was no way he could because he'd be caught - like, say because she was living with Mochi _or something - _even if it was stupid, she'd still always wonder. It would be even worse than it is now because she'd be wandering and desperate and he wouldn't even _be _here.

"Mochi?" She prods him in the arm. He sighs, like he was hoping she'd doze off again and forget the question, but he does answer: "I doubt we could. Not now."

"No, you could. If, like, all the Kira stuff stopped, then... then people would stop thinking Kiyomi's so great. They'd be looking for someone to blame."

He doesn't answer this one. Maybe he thinks she's putting an act on, thinking _don't you support Kira? _Misa sort of wants to say that it's one thing to support a god when they help you and punish someone who you just needed to know was dead, who just needed not to be in the world any more. But when it means that your boyfriend is going to be arrested if it all carries on... the task force have been working on the Kira case for _years, _it's not like they're just going to be all _oh, fine, go ahead, kill criminals. _If... if Kiyomi, if something happened to her, or she was stopped and she couldn't get NHN to chase people any more, then the task force would want to arrest _someone. _Better Kiyomi than Raito.

"Do you have Kira's weapon with you?" she asks. "Or do Matsu and the others? Is that how that guy died?"

"No."

"Well, where is it, then?"

"Hidden. Back in Tokyo. Misa, I can't tell you anything about this. It's not safe."

Misa wants to kick him; she hunches herself away, digging her nails into her palms to make herself sound calm and cold as she says, "Then you should've left me at the Teito Hotel, shouldn't you?" She could die, Raito could die - heck, those NHN guys have guns, they aren't messing around - and now Mochi's just going to keep all the information to himself so she can carry on following him about and making an idiot of herself? "I'm trying to think here, Mochi. Things aren't... they aren't very good. You don't know what to do next, or else you wouldn't still be with me, you would've run off. So you might as well tell me stuff so we can work out what to do."

A pause, then, at last, very quietly, he says, "And if you worked out that the best thing for you to do was contact NHN and tell them everything you knew?"

"Oh, sure, yeah, and then let Kiyomi kill me right afterwards. Of course I will." She makes herself focus on that, on the threat from her love rival. That's an easy thing to worry about. "I'm not stupid, Mochi. I'm not going anywhere near NHN while she's still in the picture. But if they do catch us, then... if she thinks I don't know anything, she'll just kill me right away, won't she? If... if I made it sound like I knew stuff, then she'd hold off. And she'd let me talk to Raito. And I need..." She feels him sigh. "Listen, Mochi, I have to talk to him. I can't just... I have to..." No, no, she's not going to think about _he doesn't love you. _"I don't know, couldn't we get the weapon back and kill - I mean, threaten to kill Kiyomi with it unless she backs off?"

"Not now," Mogi says. He shifts, turns to face her. He looks tired and worried and, naked, in the dim light, a lot less solid, like most of him isn't real. "Listen, Misa - Takada and Raito obviously don't think you're a threat right now, or they would have been hunting for you too. You're right that Takada might well try and get rid of you if she can. I... I understand you want to talk to Raito, but you can't do that right now, not when it's so dangerous for both of us."

"I _know -"_

"I don't think Takada would believe us if we threatened her," Mogi carries on. "If we'd been willing to kill her with the - the weapon, we would have done it as soon as she started hunting us."

Yeah. Of course, the task force would feel bad about doing something like that. Misa feels kind of sorry for them, really. They're way too preoccupied with being sensible, doing the right thing. They don't really understand that sometimes you've just got to - to go for what you want -

"But _I _didn't know about it, then," she says, and takes Mogi's hand, strokes his fingers. "She'd believe it if _I _said I'd do it."

They stare at each other. She can feel herself sort-of smiling, like she isn't sure if this is a joke or not. She knows perfectly well, though, that she _isn't _joking. It's kill or be killed, right? If she had this thing, whatever it is, in her hands, she would call Kiyomi and make her stop chasing Mochi and the others and then she would just kill her anyway. Anything else wouldn't be safe, and she knows Mochi could never do it himself.

"No," he says at last, and his hand tenses in hers before he eases it away. "And anyway, it gets you noticed by her. Not to mention, if they start looking for you, then you could easily lead them right to the notebook. We - we buried it, in a patch of woods - you might well be noticed, going somewhere like that."

At least that's something. Misa can drop a hint about it, try and convince Kiyomi she knows the exact location. If she needs to. If it comes to that.

"Let's talk about stuff in the morning, then," she says. "Guess we should get some sleep for now."

She leans over and kisses Mochi again, trying to show that things are okay between them, that she forgives him for lying earlier. He made her happy and he likes her, and she's a little bit less frightened now. At first she thinks he's going to pull away, that he's having second thoughts about the whole thing, but then after a moment he goes with it, kisses her as gently as if he's the one who began it.

ooo

_Please_

_Just_

_If you can call_

Aizawa remembers that he didn't call Eriko. He runs with that thought for a while, and then he is remembering when they were dating, when one or the other of them would be having their conversation on a phone in public and she would tease him sometimes, try and make him say something romantic out loud. He thought he was annoyed with her about that, but, when she was angry with him spending so much time on the Kira case, when he called her from outside hotels on his mobile she would simply answer _yes, no, all right, I'll see you tomorrow _and he'd stand amongst passers-by and feel... irritated, it was always irritation, but the sick, depressed kind where you knew you were irritated because you'd screwed up and didn't know how to fix it.

He's reaching for his phone. The car is dark and he's reaching for his phone and turning it on and the screen glows up at him and he can't find her number, he is scrolling through the list but hers isn't showing up. Because she's dead. Because they found her and she's dead and they were just waiting for him to forget and they're waiting for him to call, they're going to _trace him - _

And someone thumps on the window and he's too late, they've tracked him down - this has to be a dream, it has to, and _wake up, _he's telling himself, _wake up - _and -

He realises his eyes are open, realises he was asleep, and he isn't holding his phone, his hands are by his sides, and dawn has come - _dawn _has come? - they were only supposed to stop for half an hour - and - but it was a dream, that's good, it was a -

There's a figure outside.

Aizawa doesn't want to move, if he keeps still then maybe, maybe everything else will stay still and nothing will happen, but that's stupid and besides, the figure has already knocked again. Aizawa makes himself look round, but their opponent is hidden behind the water drops lining the window, just a shape -

Thinking about it afterwards he knows he should have scrambled into the driver's seat, started the car and got away as fast as he could but, but maybe he's still half-asleep, or he doesn't want to start the chase again, is sick of running... whatever it is, he's opening the window, the effort like trying to move through water.

"God, you guys really are morons."

It's not Raito, or any of the black-suited NHN guys. A skinny teenager, a foreigner, huddled in a fur-trimmed jacket, but - his face - the skin is waxy, chewed-up, and puffy and yet at the same time it seems to cling to the bones beneath, leaving the eyes wide and the mouth and nose actually slightly eaten away.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" the guy demands, but Aizawa doesn't care, because standing next to him is -

It's Hal Lidner.

"What..." He blinks, rubs his itching eyes. "Why are you here?"

"We came to find you," Lidner says. "It sounded like you could do with some help."

Aizawa glances back at Ide and Matsuda. They're fast asleep. Yeah. Yeah, they could all do with some help. All they've succeeded in doing is killing an innocent man and then falling asleep and _waiting _to be hunted down - and god he is so _tired _of all this, so tired of being nothing but a bit part in this stupid drama, of other people making decisions and him having to struggle against them without having any fucking clue what he's supposed to be doing.

"Where've you been?" he says to Lidner. "No one's seen you. Did you..."

"She was with me." The boy shoves his hands into his pockets. "I would say nice to meet you face-to-face, but it isn't, not right now."

The cold air's waking him up now, helping him put two and two together. "Mello." Better than the NHN bodyguards, but not by much. Aizawa realises he's sick of arrogant super-geniuses looking down on him, and he's _really _sick of them shoving him into the firing line just to point-score off someone else.

Mello looks at him like he knows exactly what's being thought. A thin smile: "Huh, maybe you're not such an idiot after all." The smile is the only thing that bears any resemblance to the drawing of him. Aizawa feels himself considering whether to take offence at the rudeness and deciding that right now, he doesn't have the energy. Mello's done quite enough to piss him off already (_he saved all our lives, _a small voice at the back of his head reminds him, _if it wasn't for him we'd have been dead five days ago, _but he tries to ignore it, gratitude is the last thing he needs right now -)

"What happened to your face?" he asks instead. His voice sounds woolly, dry.

"It's an occupational hazard when you get shut inside a truck that fortuitously catches on fire," Mello says. "And when you can't go through legal medical channels, you don't have any way of getting them to listen if you say _make me look like Brad Pitt._ Got any more stupid questions, or shall we get moving?"

"How did you find us?" Aizawa says. He expects Mello to say something like _it wasn't that difficult seeing as you'd fallen asleep in broad daylight, _but the guy only shrugs and says, "I'm L's successor, I can do anything I want. Plus for some reason, when I asked around people seemed to think I was a Kira vigilante. It helped."

"Come with us," Lidner cuts in. "You need to get out of here, and they won't be looking for our vehicle."

"I... okay." Aizawa's sure he should be thinking more carefully about this, but everything feels too far away, like he's looking at it through a keyhole. Besides, if they don't go with Mello, what the hell are they going to do? The entire country's looking for them and if they keep running they're just going to screw up again like Matsuda did last night, they're out of options -

He looks round at the other two. Ide's already stirring, rubbing his eyes, then roughly shaking Matsuda awake as he realises they've got company.

"It's..." It probably _isn't _okay, so Aizawa just says, "We're leaving. Mello's got transport and people will be looking out for this car, all right?"

"Mello?"

"Look," Mello snaps, "I didn't _have _to drive out to the back of beyond to hunt for lost police officers. If you guys could get a fucking _move on, _that would be appreciated."

"I suppose it's our only choice by now." Ide opens the door, climbs out. "Come _on, _Matsuda -"

Matsuda doesn't look at Mello or Lidner; he doesn't look at any of them. Aizawa can't decide whether that annoys him even more - Matsuda was the one who fucked up and now he's playing the victim? But then, perhaps it would be even more irritating if he were his usual chirpy self. At least he's not making pointless remarks every five minutes, he's just keeping quiet. Aizawa knows it's not fair; Matsuda isn't that bad and he's obviously horrified by what he's done. It's just that now, when everything is crowding in on him and he can't _think - _and Sato-san crying last night... she'll be blaming herself for not seeing through their story - she'll hate that she was kind to him - he grits his teeth, hoping that will make him stop thinking like this. He can't afford sympathy for a virtual stranger, not when he's in this much trouble - not when he doesn't even know where Eriko and the kids are -

The van - a bashed-about vehicle painted dark red - is parked some distance away, at the head of a line of tyre tracks in the frosty grass. Mello's already clambering into the driver's seat; Lidner opens up the back door. "It'll be a little cramped now," she says, "but we should all fit. By the way, where's Mogi?"

"Don't know," Aizawa says. "He stayed with Amane."

"Kira's girlfriend Amane?" Mello has taken out a silver-wrapped bar of chocolate and is tapping it absently against his teeth. "And he hasn't been dragged back to NHN yet? Still, she's a hell of a ditz, maybe she just doesn't watch the news."

"I don't know. We haven't heard anything from them."

"He told her Raito was being hunted too," Matsuda mumbles. "So she should run away."

"I didn't think he was the type to go off with a cute girl." Mello's letting his head slump to the side a little, as if he's bored already. Perhaps he is. Perhaps that's the problem, this sort of person gets bored and then they need to do something to amuse themselves and the next thing you know, hundreds of people are dead. It helps thinking of Mello - of others, like Raito and Near and L - as children, constantly whining for something else to occupy them. You can kid yourself you're the adult so you'll be the one to survive if it comes to a fight.

The inside of the van is dark and smells of antiseptic and dust. Like an empty medicine cabinet, Aizawa finds himself thinking. Lying at one side, dozing, wrapped in blankets and other people's coats, is the other SPK agent. Gevanni. And kneeling next to him is Teru Mikami. Ide hesitates; Matsuda swallows, shifts back a little.

"He's only a lawyer." Mello is watching them in the driver's mirror, grinning. "He won't bite."

Mikami looks up at them. His eyes are sunken, and so wide the whites are visible all the way round. He doesn't speak; he just watches them, gaze darting from one to another of them, as they sit down. His throat's still bandaged; as Aizawa notices this, Mikami reaches up, scratches absently at the covered wound. Lidner doesn't seem to be unnerved by him at all, though; she kneels down next to him, and, briskly, as if he's just a colleague, asks him, "How's Gevanni?" For a moment he just stares at her, then, all at once, he seems to understand what she said, and, jerkily, answers, "The same. Too hot still, I think."

"What happened to him?" Matsuda blurts out. Gevanni's pale and the morning light glistens in his skin.

"Takada's people caught up with him," Lidner says. "They shot him in the leg." As she says it, Aizawa notices the smell of blood.

"And... and the other guy," Ide says. "Your colleague -"

"We don't know what they've done to him either." Lidner's mouth tightens a little. "But it wouldn't surprise me if he's told them that you lot are the ones they should be looking for. Otherwise I'd have expected them to try and use him to... convince me and Gevanni to assist them."

Mello snorts. "Yeah, but that would involve intelligent thought, and Kira's lot seem to tend more towards the fanatical loyalty. Anyway, let's get moving."

"Where are we going?" Ide asks over the sudden roar of the engine.

"Back to Tokyo."

"Why?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must have missed the part where we had any resources or places to hide out here. And the bit where being here is of any damn use to us when Kira's back in Tokyo."

"Yes, along with Takada and all the resources of NHN and the NPA." Ide's scowling, but Aizawa's prepared to bet he's realised they don't have any choice in the matter.

"You do realise," Mello says through a mouthful of chocolate, "the only way you've got a hope in hell of surviving all this is by getting rid of Kira. I mean, did that register?"

"Thank you, I had worked that out. I just said -"

"I know what you just said. Sorry to render your little road trip pointless, okay? Quite frankly, I'd rather have done this alone, but you were the ones who ran off with the notebook, so you're caught up in it now."

"We were caught up in it before," Matsuda says, voice rising a little.

"Huh. Barely."

Aizawa expects the dismissal - it's only a ruder version of Near's calm explanation on the phone before - but Ide and Matsuda obviously haven't had to put up with it once already: Ide's already snapping out, "Oh yes, while we were working with L and you were part of the Mafia and kidnapping innocent people?" and Matsuda is stammering, "You - you don't want to catch Kira, you just want to _win, _that's what everyone always said about you -"

Mello leans round, eyes slitted, actually taking both hands off the wheel, and Ide yells at him "Watch the road for fuck's sake!" Mello does so, swinging back round casually, and Aizawa sees a flicker of a smile on his face in the driver's mirror.

"We'll carry on the discussion when we reach Tokyo, all right?" he says. "You know, when we don't have psychotic Kira acolytes listening in."

Aizawa glances at Mikami, but the other man doesn't seem to notice he's been referred to. He's staring numbly ahead, hands still plucking at the dressings on his throat. Ide nods, grudgingly; Matsuda huddles back into the corner, gazing at the floor.

"Sounds fair enough," Aizawa says at last.

Mello doesn't answer, just takes another bite of chocolate; Lidner sighs, rests her head against the side of the van. After a while, Mello flicks on the radio. First a few songs echo through the silence; then, a bit later, the news. Aizawa finds himself tensing, trying to prepare himself for some other piece of bad news delivered in Takada's cut-glass and just-so-slightly-smug tones. If she _did _make further threats against his family - that Kira would kill them, unless -

He grits his teeth. There's no point in thinking about it. He doesn't _know _what he'd do - and, considering he's now travelling with Mello, who seems to see family ties only as something which can be used to get people to do what you want, he doesn't think he'd have much of an opportunity to do anything anyway. Which is not much comfort, but is probably all he's going to get at the moment.


	9. Derelict

Mogi feels like he lay awake for hours, his mind ricocheting between _that was amazing _and _what the hell was I thinking? _As the night wore on the edges of the thoughts were rubbed off. He was able to stop noticing them and feel instead how Misa slept half-twined round him, breath soft on his throat, and how there was _someone else _in the dark at least. That even if outside the situation was disastrous, he wasn't facing it alone. Somehow, in all of that, the night faded, and now grey light is oozing through the curtains. Mogi is well aware that they need to get up and get moving, and with that realisation there's nothing stopping him from thinking.

Their photographs on TV, and Takada's smug smile. Misa screaming at him and the crashes as she kicked the furniture over. The phone lying off the hook. The long horrible walk in the pitch black with only passing cars to light their way. And then - on the news, what they said about the other three killing someone -

It could be a lie, of course. NHN propaganda. But why only start that now? And it was specific. A name. A location. A plausible situation. If they were staying in a family-run hotel when the photographs were released, they'd be recognised immediately. And someone would panic...

The chances of them getting out of this alive are looking smaller and smaller every hour, never mind day. The chances of managing to keep the notebook away from Raito are shrinking pretty fast, as well. The world seems happy to go along with the persecution, and giving up, giving in, won't save them. Mogi is listing the facts in his head because sometimes putting things into words makes them less terrifying, but this time it isn't working. It didn't work last night, either.

Which is why he responded to Misa in the way that he did. Because he was scared and tired and he liked her and he really wanted to stop thinking for a bit. He suspects it was the same for her - or, possibly it was to get back at Raito for making her doubt him. (Mogi is almost sure that it's only doubt, that she'd go back to Raito like a shot if the opportunity presented itself.)

He didn't threaten her into it, or deliberately play on her sadness, and he _asked _her, he asked her if she was sure, and it wasn't as if there was anything more productive he could have done, but he still feels as ashamed now as if someone's walked into the room and caught them in bed together. She's almost certainly - well, _was _almost certainly - the Second Kira. Did that not count for anything last night?

He'd tried to keep it in mind, right up until he turned away from her the first time and then saw how hurt she looked. Then he'd deliberately stopped thinking about it.

No, being aware of your thoughts doesn't make them any easier to look at, especially not the morning after.

He sits up, looks around for the TV remote. Better see if Fuyumi did make a call last night. It might not even have been her. He could have been spotted by someone else - perhaps when walking along the road, or earlier, on the train. If they're closing in even now, he has to face it. He'd at least like to get dressed. (That's another way of pretending that things aren't so bad; making small, stupid plans for what you'll do if the worst has happened. Like that will actually help.)

As he puts the TV on, Misa is already rolling over, pushing her hair out of her face. She sits up too, glances at him quickly and then turns her face away. She looks pale, tired, drained of all the determination and questions of last night. No doubt she'll think this was a mistake. Which it _was, _but Mogi can't stop the more unworthy side of his mind wishing that - that maybe she -

She scrambles out of bed, goes into the bathroom. When she comes back, she does give him a shaky smile, but he's too distracted by the sight of her standing in almost-daylight, naked - and not just that he can see all of her but that she's unconcerned about it, isn't moving to hide herself or shriek at him. The weirdness of the situation hits him afresh - did this really happen last night? _How _did it happen? What was he thinking? - but he manages to turn his head away, stop staring at her. She doesn't seem to care, though; she pauses to kick one of her boots out of the way, and then scrambles back into bed, hugging her knees to her chest.

He doesn't want to talk to her - right now he's not sure he wants to talk again ever - but he makes himself say, "Are you all right?" But at that moment the news starts. She tenses, leans forward a little.

But nothing's changed. So far, nothing's changed. All right, that doesn't mean things are good, but - Fuyumi definitely hasn't told on them, at least. They're getting away with it. Hour by hour, day by day. The fact that the amount of time they remain uncaptured really doesn't mean anything is something Mogi is choosing to ignore right now.

He asks his question again - more gently, this time, he can hear the faint optimism in his voice.

Misa looks round at him. She moves slowly, and when he sees her face, he feels like he's been hit in the chest. She's dead white, but her expression is blank, her eyes very dark. She stares at him and she says, "If Raito doesn't even..." Picks at the edge of the sheet, starts folding it into pleats. "If..." Her grip tightens and then she huddles over, gasping for breath like she's crying. "Oh, god..."

"Misa -" He's reached out to her before he can think, to hold her shoulders, pull her close. She feels very slight against him and as he touches her, she shudders. He thinks she's trying to shake him off but then the next moment she's grabbed his hand in both of hers, and she strokes his fingers.

"Raito would be furious if he knew." She looks up at him and all at once the real Misa is back, face sparkling with wistfulness and determination. "I wouldn't do it if things were okay... but they're not, are they?"

All Mogi can do is shake his head. Misa kneels up, pulls him down to kiss her. It's still a shock, her mouth on his, her hands - it still leaves him hyper-aware, fascinated and surprised and, yes, completely able to forget that he is kissing the former Second Kira. That thought does bump up against his consciousness, but he deliberately pushes it away again. It's several seconds later that he makes himself move away, whispers that they need to move on. Misa laughs: "Before the rest of the world wakes up, huh, Mochi?" and when they leave she slides her fingers through his, as if both of them are more than happy with the situation.

ooo

Seeing where they're going involves kneeling up, looking out of the front window - or asking Mello, but funnily enough none of them do that. For most of the journey, Ide doesn't even bother with the looking out. He doesn't want to see a sign he remembers passing, or a junction he remembers taking another route on - he's in a bad enough mood already. Was it not enough that they had to work with one arrogant murderer for five years without now having to throw their lot in with another? All right, all _right, _he knows they really don't have a choice, but that hardly makes him feel any better.

By now they're driving through Tokyo's outer wards; it's been dark for hours, but there are lights all around them which rush over the van and slide across its floor. The darkness - or the return to the city - seems to have got to everyone: Lidner and Aizawa, who've been talking quietly for most of the journey, have gone quiet; Mello hasn't spoken for ages (the last thing he said was something about how it looks like severe facial scarring counts as a new face when it comes to the notebook, and isn't it nice to know that's an option); and Matsuda, Mikami and Gevanni have all stayed as silent as they were this morning. Ide doesn't particularly care about Mikami's conversational skills, but he's been horribly aware of Matsuda's silence all day. Of course it's understandable, the man has done something awful, he must be still in shock, but... Ide keeps thinking of their conversation last night, of how Matsuda had pulled himself away and curled up at the other side of the car like Ide had actually _said _something like _this is all your fault and no one is ever going to forget it. _He hadn't said that, hadn't even thought it, but that didn't seem to matter.

Not that that makes him feel any prouder of how he's been acting. The reason he hadn't even thought it was that he'd been too busy sticking his tongue down Matsuda's throat, what would a little detail like murder matter when he could be getting himself off? He doesn't _want _to be angry with Matsuda, he _isn't _angry with him - it's Raito and Takada and NHN and everyone who's buying into this vigilante bullshit, Matsuda would never have done something so horrendous under normal circumstances - but it would be nice to know you'd arrived at this conclusion through rational thinking, because you're a responsible adult who can keep your emotions in check, an NPA official who can view crime dispassionately, rather than some sex-crazed lunatic -

The van keeps moving, first down central motorways, then through lit-up main streets and then, eventually, down darker roads; the light across the floor vanishes. Eventually, it jerks to a halt, and Mello looks round at them, face hidden in shadow. "Okay, we're here. Keep your voices down, anyone could be out there."

"Comforting thought," Aizawa mutters.

It was cold enough inside the van but it's even worse outside; the air feels like it's trying to crush them. Ide wraps his jacket round himself more closely and watches as Matsuda scrambles out of the van, listlessly, as if he's only half-awake. He finds himself moving a little closer, like he's going to start a conversation, like this is anything _close _to the right time to do that.

Mello waits until Lidner and Aizawa, supporting a pale, shivering Gevanni, have made their way out, and then starts to cross the forecourt. It looks like they're in some kind of industrial estate; warehouses and storage units block out the orange-stained sky, and Ide can feel concrete - and cracks lined with weeds - under his feet. He wonders if the Yellow Box warehouse is anywhere nearby. Mello would probably think it was quite funny to have his hideout so close to the scene of the climactic showdown.

Then Mello turns sharply left and all at once he's unlocking a door. The creaks and clatters echo into the night, and Ide wonders if someone is watching them - homeless people sheltering, or heck, maybe someone who knows who they are, someone who's been tracking them. God, he doesn't want to be back in Tokyo. Not least because the stupid part of his mind is trying to convince him that everything's fine now that they're back, that he can relax and go home and go to sleep...

They follow Mello inside a dark, narrow corridor, up a flight of stairs, and finally into a room lit by one bare light bulb. In the dim glow Ide can just make out two battered couches, and a low table with several bars of chocolate scattered across it, plus a sticker-covered laptop. He remembers the base they stormed back in America. That was an abandoned hospital or something, wasn't it? Grimy white tiles and carved stone. It had felt, at the time, like something not quite real, like a game, or some kind of training exercise. This doesn't really feel real either. Or at any rate, it feels like Mello's reality, and that none of the rest of them are meant to be here.

Lidner is helping Gevanni over to one of the couches. He looks even paler now than he did before, gripping her arm as she helps him sit down.

"He's burning up," Aizawa says. "We can't just leave him like this."

"What do you want me to do," Mello says, "call a doctor?"

"What are we going to do otherwise?"

"I don't know yet." Mello stares at him, eyes wide, burnt face oddly blank. "Okay? And you don't either, otherwise you wouldn't be giving me grief like this."

"Look, I didn't mean -"

Mello shrugs, cuts him off: "Hal, we've got some aspirin or some shit like that around, right? And get him to eat something, that'll help at least. You -" He points at Matsuda, who blinks. "There's some blankets in the far corner, go grab one for him."

Ide goes to lean against the wall - it's cold and grimy, but he's pretty sure if he gets out of this he won't ever want to wear these clothes again - and watches as the shadowy figures in front of him hurry to and fro. Mello stands still as well, a skinny figure standing with a bar of chocolate held to its mouth. Ide wonders if he ever eats anything else. Matsuda has come back with a blanket, is nervously laying it over Gevanni's legs, and then he's talking to him, hesitant but with the edge of pointless optimism he always used to bring into discussions, and helping him drink some water.

"Hal," Mello calls, "you and one of the other two get Mikami out of here and make sure he can't run off."

Ide had almost forgotten about Mikami - he glances over at the man now, who is standing still, arms wrapped round himself, nails digging into his skin. He didn't stop watching any of them the entire journey and he hasn't stopped now. Ide wonders if he still remembers all their names.

Lidner is walking over to Mikami, but as she reaches out to him he jerks away from her. "Stop it!"

"Mikami-san -"

"There was a truce." Mikami's voice is raspy and faint - it hurts your throat if you listen to it for too long. "There was a _truce. _Gevanni-san said -"

"I know," Lidner says. "I know, and that's still on, but the rest of us don't know you. Besides - you look exhausted. You need a rest."

"He said I could walk away if I had to!"

A snort of laughter from Mello. "You really think any of us are going to get to walk away? You're even more delusional than you look."

"Stop it, Mello," Lidner snaps; Mikami stumbles back, eyes huge, voice cracking, "Leave me alone - _leave me alone -_"

"Oh, give it a rest. How many is it you killed? One hundred and thirty a day or something?" Mello stands up, so quickly that in the darkness it seems to happen instantaneously, and there's a gun in his hand, levelled at Mikami's face. Everything seems to go very quiet, and Ide remembers afresh who exactly their benefactor is, and what he's done.

"S... stop it." That's Gevanni, voice very faint. Mikami's head snaps round and he starts gulping _you promised you promised you promised -_

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Mello doesn't lower the gun. "You know, it beats me why you're suddenly his biggest fan."

Gevanni goes quiet, draws a shaky breath. "It wasn't anything to do with him," he says, and Ide wonders what he's on about, but Mello shrugs, cuts in, "Bullshit. How many was it, do you remember?" Gevanni blinks, and Mello carries on, "How many names, you idiot. How many names did you have to copy down again? I'm just, y'know, wondering why that isn't bothering you more."

"Stop it," Lidner says again, and Matsuda: "He's _ill, _leave him alone -"

"That's not the point," Gevanni whispers. "He's... he's right. We... we made a deal, okay? Just..."

Mikami's head snaps round as he turns to look at Mello again. For a moment they both stare at each other, then Mello smiles - well, that's one way of describing it - and says, more quietly, "Yeah, I bet you'd just love me to do it, wouldn't you? Going out in a blaze of glory defying your god's biggest enemy."

Mikami wrenches out the words: "I'm not scared of you."

"Oh yeah?"

Ide's wondering if he should say something and a small unworthy part of his mind is reflecting that he's not particularly concerned either with Mikami or Mello's fates right now, but then Lidner - who, presumably gives a damn about Mello at least - says, firmly, calmly, "Mikami-san - Gevanni trusts you. Mello doesn't know you except as an ally of Kira; he can't trust you not to break the truce. Things have to be like this right now."

Mikami doesn't seem to hear her, carries on staring at Mello, but when she gently leads him forward, he goes with her, and out of the room, Mello following both of them. Gevanni's brief moment of energy seems to flicker out; he slumps lower on the couch, eyes closing again.

"Nice to know some people don't change," Ide says at last, finding his heart rate slowing back to normal.

"He's all we've got and you know it." Aizawa has sunk down onto one of the other sofas; addresses his words to the floor.

"He could get us all killed. He almost _has _got us all killed once already." He doesn't say _he killed the Chief_, but he bets all of them are thinking it.

"Yeah, well, most of the country want us dead by now. We don't exactly have many options left." He glances over at Matsuda as he speaks, and the other man hunches over a bit, not looking at them.

The door slams; Mello and Lidner are back. In the dull light they look oddly similar; thin, blonde, composed, walking in step. Ide finds himself wondering if there's anything more between them. Matsuda will certainly think so. But neither of them seem like they're interested in anything like _that, _anything so... frivolous. Perhaps, if there's something, it's the same sort of thing that he and Matsuda have had. Something confused that doesn't really count. And for goodness sake, why is he thinking like this anyway? Just because Matsuda isn't happily talking rubbish doesn't mean he needs to start filling the void.

"Mikami is in one of the other rooms," Lidner says.

"Is he still - uh - upset?" Aizawa asks.

"He cooled off a bit." Mello shrugs, sprawls down on the couch with his feet on the table. Ide can just see the gun in a holster at his waist.

"Now are you going to tell us what you're planning?" Aizawa says to him, abruptly.

"Bringing you Kira's head on a plate has a nice ring to it." Aizawa glares at him, and he rolls his eyes. "Okay. What did you lot do with the notebook?"

Ide feels Aizawa glance at him; he keeps his own gaze blank as Aizawa swallows and says, "It's buried. In a patch of woodland some way out of the city."

"_What._"

"It's not a place that's connected to any of us, and it's not as if it's right in the middle of a kids' playground." Aizawa's voice is growing truculent. "I'm sorry if it doesn't meet your exacting standards, but we were in a hurry."

"Let's sincerely hope," Mello said, "that no one remembered seeing you there and has gone digging. Or that some tramp or bored kid or extremely persistent squirrel hasn't dug it up. God, no wonder it took five years to -"

"On the other hand," Lidner says, sharply, "clearly Kira hasn't tracked it down, or else we _would _all be dead. If it's in woodland, they won't have been caught on CCTV, and in winter there are going to be fewer people in that kind of place anyway."

Mello scowls, but he slumps down a bit, takes another bite of chocolate. Ide wonders again why he's so tolerant of Lidner calling him on things. Mello _killed _most of the SPK, didn't he? Why would he have any respect for this woman?

"Okay." Mello swallows his latest mouthful. "I reckon we need to have a little chat with Kira."

A pause, then, "Why exactly?" Aizawa says. Matsuda's eyes have widened.

"Because we've got the notebook, and he knows it. Look -" He sits up, impatiently. "He has three options, doesn't he? Firstly, he can find the notebook himself, but like Lidner's pointed out, that might draw attention to it - and it isn't like he knows you haven't got it on you. Huh, wish you did... that'd solve all our problems."

It feels like the air in the room is very thin and cold suddenly. Ide doesn't move, doesn't react, there is no way Mello is going to know about the sheet of paper, no way he can figure it out... Matsuda's looking over at him. Ide grits his teeth, _keep your mouth shut, you idiot, don't you understand, he's a lunatic, if we tell him he'll just - _

"So," Mello is carrying on, "he's been trying to take the second option. Figuring he'll find you lot and convince you to tell him where it is. Now that that hasn't worked so far, he might decide he can hurt your loved ones or whatever and see if that'll convince you -"

Aizawa's breathing catches a little. Ide doesn't look at him.

"But at the moment, he'd have to use the news to let you know about that, and he probably figures doing any more than he's done already is too much of a risk, at least when it comes to his image. And he's probably pissed off enough not to give up on tracking you down anyway."

"What's the third option?" Aizawa says.

"He and you come to a mutually convenient arrangement."

"I... don't see how that's possible."

"Well, no, you wouldn't," Mello says, rolling his eyes, "seeing as imagination's never been your strong point. But I bet you're probably also sick of running away from him. So why don't you take the initiative for once?"

"Go on," Ide says slowly. It's probably be stupid to fall for this, it'll be some lunatic plan that can't possibly work, but the idea of their every move _not _being dictated by Raito is a hopeful one.

"He wants the notebook," Mello says. "There's stuff you lot want too. You - Aizawa - they've got your family. Hal, you'll want them to let Rester go. You all want to stop being hounded by NHN. You want your lives back, he wants to carry on being Kira. So, we get in touch with him, offer him that deal."

"And... then we give him the notebook and he kills us with it?" Aizawa says.

"Funnily enough, no. Look... we all know he's Kira. He's proved it. That particular race is over. I bet Near was banging on about proof to you all... well, we've _got _that. Now we just want to get rid of the bastard."

"Near had already made arrangements," Lidner says. "For having him imprisoned." She glances at Mello, then at the others. "We don't have to kill him -"

"We _should _kill him," Mello says, "but I get this feeling you lot will argue about that, and we don't have time to debate it."

Aizawa leans forward a little. "You're saying we tell him we'll give him the notebook, arrange a place to hand it over, and then instead of doing that we simply take him prisoner -"

"Arrest him," Matsuda cuts in.

"And then - what, that's the end of it?"

"I'm saying we ask him to get his girlfriend to state that you lot are innocent," Mello says. "Get him to let Rester and your family go. All in exchange for the notebook."

"But we won't actually give it to him," Matsuda says.

"He won't believe us," says Aizawa.

"Of course he bloody won't. He knows we're going to try and screw him over and he's going to try and screw us over in return. The key is to be the one who anticipates the other's moves most correctly."

"What... what do you think he's going to try and do to us?" Matsuda asks.

"If he gets his hands on the notebook, all your names are going into it. That's the main goal, all of us ending up dead. But he must know there's a risk we won't give him the notebook. The idea is that we get as much out of him as we can before he puts some plan of his own into action."

"And... if we don't anticipate his moves?" Ide asks the question already knowing the answer.

Mello shrugs and smiles that thin lipless smile again. "Then we'll all be dead, so it doesn't matter. Anyway, I think we're going to need _him._" He hooks a thumb at Gevanni. "So you lot can sleep on it and decide that I'm right, and I'll make some calls and take steps to stop him dying in the night."

"What - where are you going to go?"

"Out," Mello says. "If all goes to plan, I'll be back in a couple of hours with some hard stuff to fix him with. If it doesn't go to plan, you'll probably hear on the news tomorrow morning, so keep the radio on. Hal, find our houseguests somewhere to crash where they're not going to get in the way."

It feels a little like some kind of school trip, Ide reflects later. Sleeping on the floor under unfamiliar blankets, the sound of other people breathing, the room being too large to sleep in. Aizawa and Gevanni are sleeping on the sofas; he and Matsuda are lying on battered futons some distance away. There's one portable heater in the room, but even so it's too cold. It's cold and this night seems to have gone on for ages and outside of this building, everyone in the country thinks they ought to be killed.

There shouldn't be any need to talk to Matsuda. And what would he say, anyway? _I don't hate you, _like it makes any difference what he thinks, like it'll help in the slightest. Why the hell is he feeling like he ought to help anyway? He doesn't owe Matsuda anything - the intimacy was just because they were scared and tired and because he himself was angry enough that he didn't see why he should _not _do something that made him feel good. But he can't shake the feeling that what they've done together should give him some edge, a way to make things better. If you're going to feel someone gasping and shaking against you and reach up under their clothes and make them gasp even more, it seems pathetic that you don't know what to say to them when they're miserable. He managed to make Matsuda happy when it was just about physical stuff. He liked that. And of course no one is going to be able to make Matsuda happy at the moment but Ide still wants to.

But it isn't just that Matsuda is _miserable,_ is it? He's killed someone. Ide remembers him firing shot after shot at Raito back in the warehouse. There's a difference between being an idiot and being unable to control your temper to the extent that you try to kill people. _But it's not fair, _he persists anyway, _it's not his fault, it's Raito's... _Is it just because he wants to be able to feel good without any guilt? Does he want to argue that there's no crime to pardon and so if he _does _do anything else with Matsuda the death won't matter? Isn't it a little arrogant, anyway, to assume that him choosing to carry on like that will make Matsuda feel magically better, that giving or withholding it makes the difference between acceptance and condemnation?

In the end he's so tired of the thinking that he whispers Matsuda's name anyway, just to make a choice. He thought the other man was still awake - could hear him sighing, shifting position every so often - but when he speaks there isn't any answer, so perhaps he was mistaken.

They're all awake before dawn that morning. In the darkness they wash in cold water, shave in a dusty mirror above a row of cracked sinks, eat a breakfast of pre-packaged snack foods with no taste. There's black coffee, as well; Ide lingers over his, wrapping his hands round the chipped mug. He fell asleep more quickly than he'd thought he would; evidently drained enough by the last few days' events that even the stress of them couldn't keep him awake. Now he feels more awake, able to think properly, but the situation doesn't look any better.

Matsuda doesn't look like he slept at all. The shadows under his eyes are deeper, and his attention seems to constantly wander off the others, over to dusty corners or to the boarded-up windows.

Lidner can't have had much sleep either, but although she looks washed-out, the shadows under her eyes darker than the actual colour of them, she's still got that air of calm about her. Ide wonders how the hell she manages it. He doesn't think he's ever met such an unflappable woman before.

"Mello got back all right, then?" he asks her at last.

She nods. "I imagine the theft will get detected eventually, but hopefully by the time it does this will all be over, one way or another. He didn't go and hold up a hospital himself - he's just made a few useful connections, that's all. And there's no reason to connect it to the three of you, which is what Mello wants." He must have frowned, because she says, shrugging, "He wants Kira to think that you three aren't with him. If he knows Gevanni and I are, that doesn't matter so much. So even if he did work out that we were involved with the theft, and why we wanted the antibiotics, it wouldn't screw things up."

Ide wonders if he's tireder than he thought, abandons the attempt to second-guess Mello's twisted thought processes, and glances over at Gevanni. He's asleep right now, but he looks less feverish, and his breathing's steadier.

Mello saunters in when they've finished eating, obligatory chocolate in hand. He moves like he hasn't noticed them, or at any rate isn't interested enough to acknowledge their presence; just walks over to the far window, where there's a crack in the boards, and stands staring out.

"I've worked it out, anyway," he says at last.

"What... how to defeat Raito?" Aizawa asks.

"No. The fucking sudoku." Irritated shrug. "Of course how to defeat Kira."

Mello sounds more listless than he did last night - perhaps he's tired too - but Ide doesn't see why they need to waste time rising to his rude remarks. "Well? Are you going to tell us or not?"

Another shrug. He looks round at them, the dawn light from the gaps behind him outlining his head. "One of you lot will call him. Go on about how you can't take this any more, you're scared, you just want this to be over. Whatever you need to say to be convincing. You'll arrange to swap the notebook for your innocence and for Rester, as we agreed - and see if you can get him to let Aizawa's wife and kids go too, though I doubt you'll get that. You'll ask for your terms to be met first and then for, say, a week to pass in order for him to stick to them. After that time passes, you'll meet him somewhere, and hand him over the notebook."

"This sounds exactly what you proposed last night," Ide says.

"The notebook," Mello says, voice still flat and tired but gaining speed now, "won't be _the _notebook. We'll put together another fake, swap it for the one you buried. Then we make sure Kira knows where it is. Once he knows, he's not going to waste time honouring your agreement, which he knows you're going to double-cross him on anyway. He'll go straight there, and he'll probably go on his own, so there aren't any witnesses to the source of Kira's power."

"He'll... he'll steal the fake," Matsuda says. "He'll want to steal it and write down our names."

"And we'll be there waiting for him," Mello says. "Grab him, lock him up wherever Near was planning to. Hell, if he wasn't going to go himself to the original trade - he might be going to send Takada - we even give them the fake. Whatever, that's him taken off the board."

There's silence for a second. Spelt out so calmly, it almost sounds as if it's that easy to bring all this to an end. Ide glances at the other two. Aizawa is frowning; Matsuda is staring at the floor.

"How are we going to get the information to Raito about where the notebook's hidden?" Aizawa says after a few minutes.

"I was thinking Mikami. If he escapes and spills the beans, that doesn't exactly look implausible, does it?"

"He seems a little... unpredictable."

Mello glances over at Gevanni. "He seems to listen to _him, _though. Assuming those drugs work, he can use Mikami... either talk him into helping us or break off all ties with him and push him back onto Kira's side." He smiles suddenly. "Not to mention Gevanni's got the most experience in forging killer stationery, so he better be feeling better when he wakes up."

"Who's... who's going to call Raito?" Matsuda says, very quietly.

Mello shrugs. "One of you three. Be good if he thinks you lot are still on your own, you know? Other than that, I don't care. Whoever's the best liar and the one Kira's most likely to buy the story from."

"He knows I thought Kira was..." Matsuda swallows. "I could tell him I thought it was for the best."

"No," Aizawa says flatly. "You're in no state to talk to him at the moment. And besides, we're all supposed to want to be giving the notebook up."

"Then it should be you who does it," Ide says. "You probably would if... if we were going through with this. And you know him better than I do." Not to mention Aizawa is probably going to be slightly better at lying to Raito. Ide can't be sure his own disdain for the other man wouldn't show through in his voice.

"I... I don't mind," Aizawa says; then, glancing at Mello: "When are we going to make the call?"

"As soon as possible. Now, if you're ready for it."

Aizawa glances round at them; after a few seconds, he nods. "That's fine with me."

Mello shrugs. "Good. I'll get a phone. Hal, help me set up the line."

As the door closes behind them, Ide says, trying to keep his voice low, "You think this is the best idea?"

"What other choice have we got?"

"I suppose you're right." He doesn't say that it seems far too much like the scene in the warehouse to him; someone else who just wants to defeat Raito using the three of them as instruments. But then, like Mello said, it isn't like any of them are going to get to walk away from this if they lose. And at least with this plan it's something other than waiting to be found, and it _feels _like it might be successful. Maybe just because Mello's arrogant enough.

Mello walks back in, Lidner following, and over to the coffee table. Clearing a space among the bars of chocolate and coffee mugs, he puts down a battered, brightly coloured mobile phone connected to a tangle of wires and what looks like a small speaker. "This way we can all hear him. Wouldn't want you to be having to make the decisions all on your own."

"What... what if he's still in hospital?" Matsuda says. "They don't... if Aizawa's gonna call his phone..."

"I don't reckon he will be," Mello says. "He's too pissed off with us. But if he is, we can call NHN. Takada's bound to be on the alert for us getting in touch. This line's untraceable, so it won't be a problem."

"One of us will have to get the number -" Aizawa begins.

"I know it." Matsuda still doesn't look at them; twists his fingers together. Ide just manages to stop himself asking why Matsuda might have memorised Raito's mobile number. No one else says anything either; Aizawa just holds out the phone, and Matsuda dials.

One ring. Two. Three. Ide is just starting to think that maybe they've built themselves up for nothing when there's a click and then Raito, sounding as, as _normal _and young and professional as he always does: "Hello?"

"Raito. It's Aizawa."

An ever-so-slight intake of breath, and then, more quietly, Raito says, "How nice to hear from you, Aizawa-san. How can I help you?"

Mello smiles; Matsuda's gone pale.

"I think you know how you can help us," Aizawa says. "Don't... don't you think this has gone on long enough?"

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you stole my property." Raito's voice is very light; the voice of someone who's so sure they're in the right that they don't even need to argue about it.

"Before we took possession of the weapon you'd been using to murder thousands, you mean?"

"You're no longer part of the NPA." Raito's voice is soothing, now, patronising. "You don't have any authorisation to do what you did. And when it comes to simple numbers, no one's on your side, did you notice? The country thinks you deserve to die."

Aizawa swallows, remains silent. His eyes meet Mello's for a second.

"Why did you call me?" Raito continues.

"I wanted..." Aizawa pauses for a second, then: "Things can't - things can't go on like this."

"For you, no." A grin in Raito's voice. "Everyone knows your names and faces now, Aizawa-san.The NPA are interested now that someone's been murdered. Everyone wants Kira to succeed. You've _lost, _don't you see?" Aizawa doesn't answer, and Raito carries on, his voice on the speaker crackling as he gets louder: "Of _course _you've lost. It's not about proof any more. That died when Near did! Near died and now the world belongs to Kira. Why don't you just admit the truth?"

"For god's sake!" Aizawa snaps it, and he's gone pale now, gritting his teeth. "I didn't call to listen to you boast. I called because - we can't..."

"Go on."

"We can't do this," Aizawa says, wrenching the words out as if he really is giving up. "People are... I know what you say about the world is true, I've seen it. And we don't... we don't want to die."

"You should have thought of that before you defied Kira."

Ide shivers. He knows now that Raito fully intended them all to die in that warehouse, but the knowledge that he lied to them so much, for so long, is still like a cold hand on the back of your neck. The other two look like they'd agree with him; meanwhile, Mello's rolling his eyes. Lidner's face is set, blank, but her hands in her lap are tensed.

"Seriously, Aizawa-san," Raito carries on, sounding regretful now, like a reasonable boss, "what do you expect me to do?"

"If... if we give you the notebook..." Aizawa glances round the room at them all, breathes out slowly. "No. If - if NHN stops encouraging people to hunt for us - if it retracts its statements - withdraws all accusations - _then _we'll give you the notebook."

An incredulous intake of breath. "You're trying to _bargain _with me? How stupid are you? I could have you all killed right now if I wanted to!"

"Except that then you still wouldn't have the notebook," Aizawa says. "And people are already wondering why Kira can't just kill four people whose names and faces he already knows. How long will your worshippers hang around once you stop killing people they don't like?" Raito is silent; Mello grins, and Aizawa carries on, "People only think you're a _god _because of all the deaths. It's not anything to do with your charming personality -"

"You want to give up," Raito cuts in. "You worked _so hard _on this case for so long and now you realise you have to give up. And you're trying to set terms in order to make yourself feel better."

"If you don't _want _the notebook back," Aizawa says, "then just say so. I'd hate to waste your time."

"Oh, don't lose your temper again. I'm just surprised, that's all!" His voice rises; Ide wonders if he's actually been drinking, or is hyped up on extra-strength painkillers or something. _Or maybe he is just insane. _"I'm just wondering what the catch is. Why you and the others are suddenly rejecting the chance to be _heroes._"

"I never wanted to be a hero," Aizawa says flatly. "I just wanted to catch the killer. Well... that's clearly not going to happen now. What else can we do? We thought if we negotiated with you, you might not..."

"I might not kill you? But you told L _so many times _that you were prepared to risk your lives."

Mello is mouthing something; _he's not buying it. _Aizawa glances quickly at him, then at the rest of them, and, slowly, he says, "You know it... it's not just about us..." His voice trails off again. His hands are shaking slightly, and then he closes his eyes as Raito suddenly says, "Oh, of course. Do excuse me, Aizawa-san; I've been a little unwell lately. All right, let's discuss this. You'll return the notebook to me, and I'll let your family live."

"You will have NHN withdraw _all _accusations," Aizawa says through gritted teeth. "You'll make it quite clear that we've done nothing wrong and it was a publicity stunt. And you will bring all three of them back from where you've taken them and you will _let them go. _In secret. I'm not having them hurt by lunatic vigilantes."

"Do you really think that will help?" Raito says, sounding concerned.

"If it doesn't, we'll burn the damn thing ourselves. Would you like that, Raito? All your godlike powers going up in smoke? Kiyomi Takada and her lot listen to you. You _sort this out._"

On the other end of the line there is a cold silence before Raito carries on, "I'll speak to Takada."

"And you'll release the man you took prisoner at the hospital."

"Oh?" Raito laughs. "Do the SPK know about your plans to defect, then? Or is this a task force-only affair?"

"He doesn't know anything, all right? He did nothing wrong and you've got no right to be keeping him in custody! And if you weren't dead to any sense of morality you'd have let him go to begin with."

He draws a shaky breath, and carries on," Then - then when you've done all of those things, we'll meet you." He sounds awkward now, too loud. "We'll meet you and we'll give you the notebook."

"That sounds like a reasonable suggestion," Raito says. "Of course, if you don't turn up at the assigned time, all deals are off, including the protection your family would otherwise enjoy."

"I... I understand that."

"And you also understand..." Raito's voice is growing soft again. "It sounds like from what I've heard that Matsuda-san has behaved unfortunately. While I can have the world pardon you for your theft, murder is a different matter altogether."

Matsuda goes so white that Ide wonders if he is actually going to faint; the colour seems to flow away even from his mouth. Ide wants to shake him. _Why the hell are you letting __**him**__ make you feel guilty? Of all people? _But Aizawa is already glancing away, saying, "That's a matter for the police, isn't it?" Ide grits his teeth, trying to keep his face blank, but wondering why Aizawa has to be scared enough of confrontation that he doesn't call Raito on his staggering hypocrisy.

"I just want you to understand that it may not be possible to extend protection given to you to Matsuda," Raito is saying. There's no point in me making promises I can't keep."

Matsuda slumps, not looking at anyone, as if he actually was depending on any help Raito would give him. Ide wants to tell him to pull himself together - even if Raito can't see them, it still feels dangerous to let him get to them like this.

"That's funny, it never stopped you before," says Aizawa. "You - NHN retracts _all _accusations against us, do you understand? What the police decide to do is their own affair."

"I'll do my best," Raito says, not sounding very sincere. "Would you like to make arrangements for our meeting? I don't even know where you are at the moment."

Mello is already scribbling something on the back of a chocolate wrapper, sliding it towards Aizawa, who glances at it and then says, "We could... there's always the Yellow Box warehouse. Near still owns that. You don't want any passers-by getting involved with this, do you?"

"How unimaginative," Raito says. "But all right."

"Say... a week from whenever NHN makes its retraction," Aizawa says, glancing at Mello, who nods.

"That sounds reasonable. I'll bring Rester-san with me when we meet, shall I? We can trade him for the notebook. As for your family... well, I doubt you want _them _brought to the handover point, but as soon as I have the notebook in my hands, I'll make a call." Aizawa starts to speak, but Raito cuts in, "You don't think I'm going to give you everything you want before I know you're going to act in good faith towards me, do I? A trade should suit both our purposes. Otherwise I might start thinking you're not going to fulfil your side of the bargain at all. Tell you what, I'll ask Takada's employees to bring your younger daughter to where your wife and other child are currently staying. All three of them together, and all three of them will be free to go as soon as I have the notebook."

Mello nods, looking irritated; Aizawa says, fiercely, "All right, fine! We'll bring the notebook, you bring Rester, and we'll only show up if the accusations have been retracted."

"Will I be able to call you on this number?"

Mello nods again.

"Yes," Aizawa says. "You won't be able to trace it, so don't bother."

"Really? Have you found yourself some friends?"

Mello's eyes widen a little; Aizawa hastily says, "Actually, no. We're not amateurs, Raito. We'll -"

"No," Raito cuts in. "Just failures."

Aizawa closes his eyes a second, breathes out, then carries on, his voice hard and angry, "If we want to talk to you again, we'll call you on this number. All right?"

"I look forward to it. It's good to hear you're finally doing the right thing. Especially after all you've put your family through."

Aizawa doesn't answer. He just slowly takes the phone away from his ear and then ends the call.

Mello sighs, stretches his feet out onto the table again. "And I thought Near was a smug little bastard."

"It sounds like he doesn't suspect, at any rate," Lidner says. "Although, you guys know him better - what did you think?"

Ide glances at Aizawa, who's glaring furiously at the floor; then at Matsuda, who's still dead white. Shrugging, he says, "I don't know. I doubt... I doubt he'd expect us to be trying to trick him, so maybe it won't occur to him to suspect anything." It sounds stupidly optimistic even to him. You don't win a battle of wits against the famous L by not being suspicious.

Mello shrugs. "No point in wondering about it. What happens happens."

"We'll get him," Lidner says softly, as she follows Mello out of the room.

The door clicks shut behind them and for a moment there's silence except the rattle of rain outside.

"He won't do anything to them," Ide says to Aizawa at last. "There's no point, now we've made the offer of a trade."

"Yeah, and what happens when we don't follow through on that?" Aizawa is shaking slightly; his hands curl into fists. "If there's any way he can use them, he will. It's got nothing to do with them. It's got nothing to do with them except I'm in the middle of it and I just - I just -"

All Ide can think of is to say, "He doesn't need them any more. He's only holding onto them for now so he doesn't lose any advantages early." It doesn't sound particularly helpful even to him.

"I know, all right? I just - oh, give it a rest, I can't..." Aizawa turns his head away as if he knows he's being unreasonable, and then he's walking off, muttering something under his breath that might be _I hate this. _Ide wants to yell after him _yeah, it's not exactly a bundle of laughs for me either, _grits his teeth until the urge has sunk down. Aizawa gets like this sometimes, usually when he's stressed, and things couldn't be much more stressful than they are right now. Except they could, of course, they could be _much _worse, but Ide doesn't want to think about what that would be like.

He looks round for Matsuda instead. Gevanni's woken up at some point during the conversation, and Matsuda's hurrying over to him, offering more water, determinedly cheerful. "Mello went out last night to, I dunno, rob a hospital or something. So - so you're going to be fine, you know?" Slipping into English to say the same thing - awkward, the words sliding about in his mouth - and then back to Japanese: "You should probably have something to eat, we all have... There's not a great choice, but food's good, right?" The usual Matsuda-ish eagerness to please, to be friendly, but it's all edged with an undercurrent of desperation, like Matsuda thinks if he nurses someone back to health it'll cancel out what happened. At the thought of him going through the rest of his life being that naive, that constantly disappointed, Ide actually wishes he could ditch the lot of them, go somewhere no one knows him and never think about this again, but of course that's not an option.

Gevanni is staggering to his feet - going to wash or something. Matsuda's calling hasty directions after him, but as Gevanni disappears into the corridor, Matsuda's perkiness disappears as though it's been switched off. He takes a long, shaky breath and then he evidently realises Ide is still there, and suddenly becomes very keen not to look at him.

"Don't let Raito get to you," Ide hears himself say, and he's too loud, too full of false optimism. "He's hardly one to talk, is he?"

Matsuda shrugs. For a few moments the silence just hangs there but in the end Matsuda evidently can't take it any more, and mutters, "Well, he's right."

"Like hell he is. And I _said, _he's the last person who should be making snide remarks about murders."

"It doesn't matter what he's done, does it?" Matsuda snaps it, like Ide is making remarks about him instead of Raito. "It doesn't make what he said about me not true."

"Yes, but - but that doesn't mean you have to react the way he wants you to. You looked like you were going to keel over."

"Well, I'm sorry, okay?"

"What? I wasn't asking for an apology, I just didn't like seeing you actually care what someone like that said." Now Ide's feeling like he'd rather just drop the whole thing, like he's been backed into a corner and is arguing something he didn't even really believe. Raito _was _truthful, in what he said about Matsuda at least. But they can't give in, can they? No matter what he's forced them into doing, they can't let him beat them -

"Yeah," Matsuda says, "I know how much it must suck to have your first kiss in years be with someone so useless. Sorry - I'm sorry about that, too, all right? You didn't know what you were letting yourself in for."

It's so completely not what Ide expected as a response - it's so completely not what he expected from Matsuda _ever - _that for a few moments all he can do is stare, baffled, and then he splutters out, "What the hell has _that _got to do with anything?"

Matsuda doesn't answer; turns away, digging his nails into his arms. The words hang in the air and Ide gets a chance to actually think about them. Does Matsuda really think that Ide is only saying things like this because of what they did? Did Ide really come across as so needy? So desperate? He feels sick and stupid and like someone will have heard what Matsuda said, someone will know - _god, _what was wrong with him thinking he should - that it had meant anything - that it did anything to make the situation better -

"You know what?" he snaps, wanting now to underline that there is no way he is not viewing Matsuda in any way other than a coldly rational one. "You should stop taking every chance to feel sorry for yourself. There's no way you'll survive this if you don't put some effort in."

Matsuda stares round, no longer looking defensive, just hurt and surprised - but only for a second. Then his face closes down into sullenness again and he says, flatly, "Guess I'm screwed then."

Ide can't work out why the hell they're suddenly furious with each other but they are and he is sick of the conversation, sick of trying to say the right thing when it clearly is so pointless. So he turns away, trying to act like he knows there is no point in persisting in this, in any of it, and heads out of the room.

ooo

Aizawa finds himself in another room. The boards across the window are half torn-off, so he keeps back by the door, out of the view of anyone watching. Not that it looks like anyone is - outside, the forecourt is empty and rain-slicked - but there are other buildings, with flat empty windows and doorways, and beyond that there's the city proper, where the people who aren't criminals live. So you never know.

He closes the door behind him, and leans against it. Things are a bit better now he's on his own, he hasn't got the horrible feeling of trying to hold it together for everyone else as well as himself. But even so he still feels like an idiot for coming in here, storming off like it's Ide's fault that things are as they are. Losing his temper in a way more appropriate to his teenage daughter. He would almost go back out there, nod at Ide in the way they both know means _sorry, I was a jerk, _except that when he actually _thinks _about Eriko and Yumi and Youko and then Raito's cool arrogant voice, _I'll let your family live, _he feels so sick and angry and _scared _it's as much as he can do not to haul off and punch something, let alone be civil to others. Here he can slump down, sit on the floor and stare at nothing very much and then all his energy can go on not losing his temper. There are piles of incomplete shop mannequins here, naked and bald, their skin smooth with dust. The weirdness of it helps. Of course Mello wouldn't be squatting in an abandoned warehouse that held something non-creepy. Wammy's House evidently teaches you to pick your base with care, or something... and now he's thinking about L - the first L, the _real _L - crouched by a computer, back to them all, waiting for Aizawa to leave - _he knew then, he knew it just makes you vulnerable, it just means they can get to you and there isn't anything you can __**do**__ -_

This isn't trying to stay calm. This is making yourself so angry you're going to break the phone you're clutching if you don't watch out. He makes himself consider that they're not exactly swamped with equipment here and eases his grip, scowls down at the thing. It's curved - the shape kind of reminds him of a seashell - a stupid, clever-for-the-sake-of-it design. But then, Mello always seems to have been about being clever for the sake of it. Couldn't have his untraceable line linked to a _normal _phone.

It takes time to put two and two together, like he's still not awake despite the coffee. The line can't be traced no matter who he calls. And he promised. He said to Eriko that he'd try and call.

Once he gets it he starts dialling immediately before he can start thinking of reasons why not to. He has to do _something. _ His fingers stumble on the grimy keys as he tries to remember Eriko's mobile number. What he'll do if there's no one there - or worse, what he'll do if someone like Raito picks up, there to laugh at him for the stupid, empty gesture of calling home - the phone at the other end is ringing now. God, even if she does answer he doesn't know what he'll say to her. To any of them. He's just tired and scared and angry but he said he'd try and call and what else can he do, now? They probably won't answer. They shouldn't _want _to answer - and damnit, he's listening to the spaces between the tones like he'll be able to hear her breathing -

A click. A faint voice. "Hello?"

The tension in him tears itself across and for a moment he can't breathe. Eriko's voice shakes as she carries on, "Who is this?" and disgust at his own cowardice makes him say (just to say something) "You're not on your own, right?"

Her breath catches in her throat but she only says, "No, I'm not. And they're listening."

"Right. That's okay -" Mumbled voices on the line, and then Eriko, bluntly, "They've got the phone... I don't know, tapped or something, they're going to trace - you need to go -"

"It can't be traced. It's all right. It's not mine, and... it can't be traced, okay? I called Kira from it five minutes ago, anyway."

She snorts. "Once again Kira takes priority over me." She sounds very tired, tired enough to snap at him or start crying just because she can't not. It hurts. He should have anticipated all this - thought of somewhere for her to hide, some way to warn her quickly if things got bad -

"Are they treating you all right?" he says instead, sounding grumpy as if this is a holiday she's gone on that he resents. "You and -"

"Oh, it's four-star accommodation -" More voices in the background; she snaps to them, "I _know -_" and then, back to him, "They aren't letting me say any more about it. I'm fine. Yumi's fine. I... I don't -"

"They're going to give Youko back." He says it fiercely as if he doesn't quite believe it himself. "Kira said he would, at any rate." Hey, if any of the listeners didn't already know Kira sanctions kidnapping, they do now. "You ask them about that, okay? You tell them Kira ordered it - they'll bring her to you, they're not going to... going to let you go, but..." Why the hell is he talking _rationally _about this when his wife and kids are being locked up - _held hostage - _and no one but him and a few morally dubious individuals are doing anything about it? Why is he trying to sound like he's making the best of this? Besides, he's wasting time; they might make her hang up, there's no time for useless reassurances.

"Why were you talking to Kira?" she cuts in, like she doesn't want the reassurances anyway.

"To - to sort things out. I mean..." He mustn't sound like he's playing an angle, like he's anything more than a beaten man finally giving in to Kira's demands. "It'll all be over soon, okay? When they say you can go, just go. And don't go back to the house right away, give it a week or so -"

"Shuichi," she says, and then she stops, and he hears her swallow before she carries on, "You're not going to -"

"I'm sorting things, okay? So you just keep your head down, don't make them mad, and take care of the girls -"

"What I did," she says, and there's the edge of panic in her voice, "on TV, you know she - I didn't know what else to do. She told me to keep asking you to... and so I - it was only because I couldn't take _that _any more, talking to you like I was on her side -"

"Look, I know -"

"I don't think you do," she says. "I'm _all right, _do you hear? I'm not going to do anything else - I doubt I could anyway, with the number of people watching me now. Shuichi, please, there's - there's no way they can keep this going for ever. Sooner or later they'll have to give up and I want to actually see you again, you understand? You seem to think I'll be fine because I'll know that you - you _sacrificed yourself for a good cause -_" Her voice is sharp and hard and he can hear her trying not to cry, and he wants to tell her _stop, I don't want to die either, we're going to beat them, we've got a plan - _

"Stop it," he says. "I'm doing what I can -" and then cuts himself off - what if he sounds too significant, what if they think he's trying to get a message to her?

"That's what I'm worried about." Her voice is sharp, like what she really wants to say is _you've done quite enough already. _He wants to yell at her to stop guilt-tripping him, but doesn't she have a right to? This must be even more of a nightmare for her than it is for him and she didn't choose it, she didn't choose any of it.

The conversation they're _not _having is drowning out anything else he could have actually said. He makes himself say, "I'd better go. Just... wanted to check you were all right. And - about Youko -"

"I hope you're right about that," she says, quietly, evidently realising there's nothing to be gained by continuing the argument.

"Don't try and - _anticipate _anything," he says, "just keep yourself safe, keep the girls safe..." He has to stop for a second, and he's already told her to do that, she's not _stupid _- "I..." He should say _I'll see you soon, _reassure her it _will _be okay, he's not giving up, but it's not safe, and so he just hangs up, because he doesn't think he can handle hearing her say goodbye.

ooo

Matsuda hears the door slam shut and looks round to see Ide heading out of the room. Just like that, he's furious, like a switch being flicked: _you're acting like I was so stupid, you were just as scared as I was it's just __**I did something**__ you just backed down and left me to try and save us __**it's all your fault **__-_ Stop, stop, he went _through _this, Ide doesn't owe him anything and Matsuda's not going to act like he does. Oh god, maybe he is actually going mad. Sooner or later his thoughts won't have any connection to reality at all. Maybe it'll be nicer that way? Raito looked - Raito always seemed -

But Ide didn't have to keep talking to him like he was making a fuss about nothing. He _killed someone. _He keeps thinking it, to test, to see if it still makes him feel sick, to see if it somehow stops being true. It always does make him feel sick and the constant realisation that it is true is numbing by now, it tires him out. Does everyone feel _tired_ when they've done this? (Killed someone.) Raito seemed tired, Raito often seemed tired -

and now he's seeing the blood on the walls and the floor, a mist of red, that's the way back into the memory, and then there's the gun warm in his hands and and the smoke and blood smells and Aizawa and Ide looking at him and -

- it's so fucked up to even think this way, but he'd thought Ide had almost decided that he, Matsuda, wasn't a complete idiot after all, even if it was just because Ide doesn't act so superior when romance is involved, and now he's _ruined_ it he's _ruined everything -_

And so why the hell shouldn't he be _bothered _by what Raito said? It's true, and even if it's also because Raito is taking the opportunity to be cruel, clearly enjoying the effect he knows he's creating, and Matsuda still wants to yell at him to stop _pretending, _to be kind again, to be himself - so what? Ide doesn't know about that, no one does.

Maybe he just got mad because having something in common with Raito is a bad thing now and yet he still - Raito must have felt like this the first time, it probably just got - got easier, and his victims deserved it after all, and - the others all hate Kira so completely and Ide might _say _it's not the same but - Ide just doesn't want to feel bad about stuff they did together -

Why does Matsuda feel like Raito would understand?

"I'm not like him." He makes himself say it out loud because otherwise the thought doesn't get through, it gets drowned by all the others. "I'm not like him, he... he doesn't care. I..."

He doesn't know if he _does_ care, though. Not in the way you're meant to care. He cares that he brought the police down on them. He cares that he's done something you actually _should_ be arrested for, arrested and convicted and executed although these days you wouldn't live long enough to get to that point. And Dad will be so angry and Aizawa and Ide are disgusted with him and and _all of that, _but does he feel bad about what actually happened? That the guy is dead? That he had a wife and maybe kids as well? It's hard to tell. If he does feel sorry, it's not obvious, it must be under all the other stuff. He didn't _want _to hurt anyone. He didn't - and Sato-san was crying, he heard her, he doesn't - if you think about making someone cry like that then -

No. No, no, there is no good way of thinking about this. He clenches his fists, makes himself sit up straighter, tries to smooth his face back into normality (his expressions ache, like someone's crumpling him up like a paper bag). Lucky he did, because just then Gevanni walks back in. He limps a bit at the moment. Matsuda hadn't noticed that before. He doesn't know why it's important, or whether it is. But it's good to have a thought that's just normal, just one word in front of another.

"Did you find the sinks all right?" he says.

Gevanni smiles and nods. He still looks tired and drained, hollow-eyed, but not so much like he's actually going to die. That's good, that's something going right. Of course for all they know, Mello might have killed someone in the course of getting the medicine. Mello's killed lots of people. Mello killed Raito's father. Matsuda really tries not to think too hard about that. If he does then he remembers it happening and then it lays itself over Sato-san's husband dying and, and he said he thought that people like Mello should be killed, he thought Kira wasn't all bad, because he thought he himself was one of the _good guys..._

"Are you all right?" Gevanni says, gently.

"Sure! Just... just tired. It was... it's really cold in this place, you know? So I didn't sleep too well." His voice sounds too loud, too shaky. "So... sorry if I seem a little... I'm just tired."

Gevanni nods, picks his way carefully round the coffee table and comes to sit back down on the sofa. "I understand. Well... I guess I don't, really, because I've been doing nothing but sleep for the last day... but before that, I was exhausted." His voice is thin, not quite steady, but calm, amazingly calm.

Matsuda manages to nod. He can't remember if Gevanni knows about all that's happened. Lidner and Mello heard about it on the radio, right? And Gevanni was with them then... "I... I guess..." He clenches his fists so hard that his knuckles ache, he _will_ sound normal, _just be competent for once for god's sake_, "I guess you didn't get much sleep. They'd all be looking out for you, right? Even more than us."

"That's right."

"And... and I guess you were with Mikami. And. You know. Hanging out with Kira probably... probably doesn't make you feel like sleeping."

Gevanni's face goes a bit blank, like this idea hadn't occurred to him, and Matsuda feels even stupider, but eventually Gevanni nods, and says, "Yeah. It kept me on edge for a while."

"Was it... was it weird?" Matsuda manages to say. "That... he..." _You knew what he'd done. _"That he killed..." His voice dries up and he tries to carry on speaking but he can't, if he does Gevanni will hear how stressed he is -

Silence for a few seconds apart from the hiss of rain and Matsuda is screwing up even this conversation and he wants to walk out like everyone else has, but then he'll have to come back in again and things will just be even worse.

"He doesn't remember it," Gevanni says. "Actually, that makes the whole thing even more weird."

"Lucky," Matsuda has said before he can think, and then goes cold, why can't he shut up? Why can't he act like (like Raito) like someone _normal_?

"He doesn't think so," Gevanni says. A wry smile. "I think he's really angry with me that I took the memories away. But if... if the notebook was your weapon of choice, I guess your attitude to the killing is different from what would be expected anyway."

Matsuda hadn't thought about that. Or if he had, he hadn't thought about it like _this_, when you actually know what it's like. "I suppose." If he and Ide had written down Raito's name, that time, would he be feeling as awful as he does about shooting Sato? Or would he be pretending they hadn't done anything, that all they'd done was put words on a page, that the death resulting from it was a lucky accident? He doesn't think they would, but at the same time at least there wouldn't be blood. And he doesn't think he could shoot Raito now, anyway. Not after everything that's happened.

Gevanni says, softly, "So someone did get killed, then?"

Matsuda turns away, manages to nod.

"I didn't..." He's trying so hard to sound calm that it hurts to talk. "I wasn't trying to. I wasn't trying to - I was just trying to stop him from - he was going to call NHN."

"Right." Gevanni sounds so calm about it all. Like you could just tell him loads of stuff and he'd just listen, he wouldn't start going off on one and yelling at you and telling you how stupid you were. "It... it was an accident?"

Matsuda wants to say _yes_. An accident means you didn't intend things to happen that way, and he didn't, so isn't it okay to say _I didn't mean to_?

"I guess," he whispers. He's still not looking at Gevanni; staring at the far wall. There's a rusty air vent there, patches of damp, cracks in the paint like cobwebs. "I... I don't remember. I don't know." He wonders if maybe Aizawa and Ide - or Mello and Lidner - talked to Gevanni, told him _Matsuda just shot the guy and didn't care_ or something. "What did they say to you?"

"Nothing. I haven't really been up for conversation in the last day or so. All I know is what I heard on NHN, and I wouldn't really go to them for accuracy."

Matsuda doesn't want to keep talking about this but at the same it makes him feel sick to imagine everyone else telling Gevanni about it instead. "I... the guy said... he said he was going to call NHN. I had... I had my gun, I told him to stop. Aizawa was trying to..." The blood spatters on the wall are back again - all he can see is the air vent and the boarded-up windows but at the same time the blood spatters are there, behind it all. "He wasn't listening. The guy." He's not sure if that's true. Was it just something he made up to make himself feel better? "I... I was trying to hit his phone. I'm not... I can do stuff like that, you... you saw in the warehouse, right? With the pen - but it didn't... this time I..." He swallows. "It was his shoulder. The artery, Aizawa said... There was lots... lots of blood and... we heard later he..." He feels really, really sick now.

"I'm sorry," Gevanni says.

"Why should you be apologising to me? It's my fault. It's _them, _they're the ones you should be saying sorry to -" And then his voice cracks and he's slumped forward, is burying his face in his hands because he's going to pieces, _again - _

"I meant... I'm sorry it happened," Gevanni says. "I know it wasn't a good thing to do, but... it's rough on everyone."

"I ruined everything," Matsuda says - it's easier to say it out loud when you can't see your audience. His breath is hot on his palms. "I ruined everything and - they hate me and - I didn't - and now when it's over -"

"I don't think they hate you. When - when something like this happens... and this is a difficult situation. When people are put under pressure they sometimes make mistakes, and... sometimes the results are pretty bad. But... it happens, you know? You just have to do what you can to sort stuff out."

Matsuda wants to say _yeah, maybe, but why is it always me who makes the mistakes? Why doesn't anyone else fuck up? _But he'll sound crazy and pathetic if he does, so he keeps his mouth shut, stares at the floor, at the scuffed linoleum.

"Look... I have no clue how this will end," Gevanni says. "Things might go back to normal if we do manage to put Kira out of operation, or... I don't know. But - we can do our best to try and help you. You deserve to be listened to by people who'll give you a fair hearing."

Matsuda swallows hard as the sickness rises up at the back of his throat again. _Fair hearing. _All at once, he knows he doesn't _want _a fair hearing, he doesn't want this to be heard at all, he wants everyone to forget about it and then he can pretend it didn't happen and, and - how can he even think like that -

Kira protects the weak. People like him, he'd thought. People who can't fight back themselves, people who need to be protected. But now he's a different kind of weak, right? He's someone who can't face their mistakes, can't take responsibility. Kira hates people like that -

- Kira is _Raito, _why is he thinking of him like this, if anyone can't take responsibility for what they did it's Raito, Raito is responsible for his father's death -

Oh god. He had been trying not to think about Raito's father but now it's hitting him like his heart is slowing down. Soichiro Yagami would've been _appalled. _He wouldn't be understanding like Gevanni is, or blase like Mello is, or awkward and diffident like Ide and Aizawa are. _He'd just look at me and want to know how I could have done it -_

"I... um... I should..." He's standing up already before he's thought of the excuse. "I should let you get some rest. You should... you should rest up, Mello is going to want you to do stuff."

"I'm sure," Gevanni says. "Listen... try not to - to overthink it, okay? If we get rid of Kira, I'll - we'll help you out, we'll... I mean, you don't need to start thinking _what if _while we're still all hiding out."

Matsuda manages to nod before scurrying out of the room, slumping against the corridor outside, taking deep breaths. It feels like there isn't enough air in here. They all tell him to stop being so weak, to fight his corner, but how the hell can he do that without convincing himself he's done nothing wrong? _The Chief would hate me even more if I just started acting like I was fine about it - _hiding out with Mello is enough of a betrayal, how can he compound that by _not caring_?

His mind is still going over the point that Raito got his father killed, still trying to get angry about it, like it hasn't caught up with the fact that the conversation's ended. And he can't summon up the rage anyway, not any more, not against Raito. All that there is has been directed towards himself for being so stupid. He was stupid in the warehouse, letting himself think that Raito was _so bad _and losing his temper, and he's just kept on being stupid. And now he doesn't know how to go back.

ooo

Takada's apartment is tastefully furnished in shades of beige and peach and white, so much so that it actually reminds Raito of a hotel. That must be intentional, of course, so that if there are ever any photo opportunities everyone will be able to say how refined Lady Takada is, what good taste she has. Could she not be less _obvious? _No one wants to make themselves look bad, of course not, but she's making herself look bad by the very nature of how transparent her pretense is. Only stupid people make things obvious. But Takada _is _stupid, of course she is, he didn't pick her as an ally because of her brains but because of her fanaticism and because she loved him. His head aches. He didn't pick her at all, it was Mikami, this is all Mikami's fault, fucking up like this. Except that he, Raito, chose Mikami, so that when you work it back -

His thoughts are going too fast. It hurts behind his eyes - he breathes in, and out, slowly, and gets himself a glass of water. But when he's holding the damp glass in his hand that just makes it worse, that just underlines how ill he feels and he barely resists throwing it at the kitchen wall. He should be finding the place soothing. He should be able to think here. He never minded hotels before, they let his thoughts be clean and clear, uninterrupted by family clutter. But here, his head buzzes like his brain got retuned while he was in hospital, and the pale smooth furniture twangs on his eyes and hurts his teeth. And Ryuk stands out against it like a broken windowpane. Raito keeps seeing him out of the corner of his eye. That's been happening more anyway, like he's cracked his vision and it's formed into a humanoid shape that watches him and, every so often, says _why do you keep looking round at me? Did you forget I'm here?_

If he were at his apartment, or at his parents' house, or in some anonymous hotel room, he'd be able to _think. _He can't think. It's been an hour since Aizawa's phone call now and all he's done is pace, sit down, stand up, and try not to notice how it aches where his hand used to be. It keeps hurting. It keeps hurting and he can't _think _and it's all their fault. They're making this difficult. They're all going to die anyway, why are they being so frustrating about it? He doesn't want to be matching wits with them. He wants them to be dead. They are in his world, now, so why are things still so difficult? Why doesn't the world _feel _new?

He told Takada to come back here now because he needed to be able to think. That's all. He needed someone whom he has to explain things to and doing that will calm him down. He sips the water, slowly. It tastes metallic.

The door slams, and he looks up to see Takada in the entryway, fumbling with her shoes. She gives him a little smile. A concerned smile. Why the fuck should she be _concerned _about him? (It's the missing hand. He's going to be getting concerned looks for the rest of his life because of that. No one will notice the intelligence or the politeness or the morals, just that he's crippled, damaged, _deformed -_ he's been trying not to think about how he's holding the glass in _the wrong hand, _the way his brain keeps telling him to raise his other arm and transfer the object to the right hand - he's not _stupid -_)

Takada must have seen that he doesn't want her smiling at him, because she says more briskly, "I left as soon as I could. The car is downstairs. What's going on?"

"Aizawa got in contact with me."

Takada breathes in sharply. "That's - could you trace it? Is there a way to -"

Typical of her to pick up on the one useless thing. "Shut up. He said it's not traceable. He knows about that sort of thing. That's not the point, it - it was -" He's too hot, as well. The pain is gripping his wrist and the agitation is making him too hot; his shirt should be sticking to him. "He wants to trade the notebook."

She frowns, comes to sit on the sofa, hands in her lap, knees together. "For what?"

"For a retraction of all accusations. And his family, and the SPK member you've got in custody."

She snorts. "Do they really think we'll agree to that?"

She's not supposed to _think _things, she's supposed to _listen, _she's supposed to _help. _"What on earth are we supposed to do if we don't? Your efforts have been completely useless -"

"I doubt that," she cuts in. "If they want to trade the notebook, that suggests they're in as difficult a situation as we are."

"Aizawa's just worried about his family. Ide and Mogi will follow his lead, and Matsuda..."

Matsuda, he realises, has _hurt _him. Matsuda has _done this _to him, taken away his hand. It seems ridiculous. Matsuda, who hero-worshipped his father and more or less pledged allegiance to Kira in front of the rest of the task force and is so stupid, so _stupid, _just like Takada is stupid, never realised, letting him down -

Takada is looking at him expectantly. He wants to hit out at her, but the thought of having to do it with his non-dominant hand makes him feel sick. Not to mention that would mean she'd won, in some way.

"He's - Aizawa's - he's worried about family," he says again. "He thinks that if we call off the search, then even if they don't hand over the notebook, it will make it harder for us to start it up again later."

"It probably will," Takada says. "And it will make me - us - look ridiculous. It would be bad enough if I had to say that we had made a mistake. That _Kira _had made a mistake. It would be even worse if we later went back on it."

"Not necessarily." He's thinking straight now. "We could say you had been forced. Controlled. Or that you'd been wrong... if necessary we could find a new spokesperson -"

She glares at him. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"I don't _care _what you think. What's important is what will get us the notebook back. Once we've got that we can get rid of them."

Takada breathes out through her nose, glances away - then looks back at him, biting her lip. "All right, but... how do we know that it'll be the real notebook?"

She doesn't say, _they've already got you with that trick once, _but it hangs in the air, and his headache worsens. He grits his teeth, even though it doesn't help. _He _should have thought of that. He doesn't _need _her. He doesn't need anyone, _he's _Kira -

_- a Kira who's lost a hand, that's the important part - _

_- _when he was in hospital he thinks he remembers Ryuk laughing, murmuring _this is __**really**__ interesting,I didn't know that's what you look like inside, hey, I wonder if they'll cut more bits off? Shinigami build themselves back up, you should try that, I guess it'd give the game away though - _or maybe that was later, when he was awake, but he doesn't think so, it was hot and dark and _I was awake all along, I could __**feel**__ it - _

"Shut up," he says, "I didn't call you here to ask stupid questions!"

He expects a temper tantrum, but Takada only gets to her feet, walks over to the kitchen counter, and picks up the bottle of painkillers the doctor gave him.

"When did you last take one of these?" she says, gently.

"How should I know? This morning sometime!"

"I think you should consider taking another. You don't look very well."

He wants to scream at her that it's nothing to do with _him, _that it's her and the task force, they're the ones making everything difficult. But all at once the thought of getting the pain to stop is blocking out everything else. He scowls at her - he's not going to admit that she's right - but he does make himself say, "If you insist. Give them to me."

She studies him for a few seconds, as if she's waiting for something. He wonders if she would _dare _try withholding the medicine until he'd - _said sorry _or something. He looks her full in the face and perhaps she sees that if she did anything so stupid she would be dead, because she holds the bottle out to him, and he grabs it out of her hand.

"You need to take better care of yourself," she says as he gulps down a pill. "We can't afford to make mistakes."

"And you should learn to do what I tell you instead of just... going off and... and _deciding _things." It's a pathetic retort and they both know it. But perhaps the very stupidity of it helps, convinces Takada that he doesn't really mean it; she comes to sit next to him, puts a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I know it's difficult for you. I just want you to be all right. After all, who's going to build a new world if you don't?"

That helps. That suggests she still believes everything he's said. She stays sitting next to him, strokes his hair. He tells himself that it's good, that it means she loves him and so she'll do anything he says. Misa stroked his hair, sometimes, but on her it wasn't as annoying, it was part of her act along with the frilly skirts and skull jewellery. Still, after Dad died, and she thought, she thought she _understood _and she understood _nothing, _all the times she talked about how she'd felt when her parents died and _we're not alike, _he said to her once, _stop pretending, Misa, _and then she'd spent more time flouncing off with Mogi and ignoring him -

_Misa._

"Where's Misa," he says, his voice flat because he's so furious he could have forgotten something - some_one - _so obvious. Takada's mouth twists a little as she says, "I don't know."

"Well, you should have known! For god's sake, if she were still around she'd certainly be making her presence known!"

"I don't need to keep tabs on that woman. Perhaps she's simply accepted the inevitable."

"Don't be ridiculous." He snatches his mobile off the table, starts looking for Misa's number.

"Don't," Takada says, putting her hand on his, "if she finds out now -" He shakes her off, and she sighs, sits watching him, her eyes large and full of frustration. Misa's phone rings and rings. Eventually it goes to her voicemail. Misa barely ever lets her phone go to voicemail, especially not when it's him calling. And - it was _three _men who killed that hotel owner, not four -

"She's with Mogi," he says. "She must be. He must have told her something... pretended I'm in danger, perhaps -"

Takada blinks. "So - Misa is on the run with them?"

"No! Don't be so stupid. There were only _three. _She's with Mogi, and Aizawa and the other two are separate. He probably got her to get rid of her phone, that's why there's no answer."

"So... how is this relevant?" Takada's got a lofty expression on her face. Raito grits his teeth. Can she _just _for _once _show some common sense rather than letting her emotions get the better of her? "It means I want you to put a search out for Misa. Emphasise how concerned I, as her fiance, am for her whereabouts."

"How do you know that she isn't choosing to remain with him?" Takada is sitting very straight, holding her head up. No doubt she's telling herself how clever and mature she's being. "She may have changed sides. I really don't think it's safe to -"

"I don't want you to tell me what you think. I want you to _find her _-" His head is aching again and he wants to kill Takada, how can he be depending on someone so stupid? "And I want her to be unharmed and to continue to trust me. It shouldn't be this hard for you to understand."

Takada stares at him for a few seconds. He can't read her expression. It's not tearful or angry. It's almost puzzled. Maybe she's so stupid she hasn't taken in what he said. But eventually she nods.

"Are we going to retract the accusations?" she says.

"Yes. No. I don't know yet, I..." He didn't mean to say that out loud. He feels as ashamed and out of control as if he'd just been sick on the floor.

"It could be a trick," she says.

"Once we get the notebook back, it won't matter. They'll just be killed."

She frowns. "But surely they'll have worked that out? What advantage do they really have, going along with this deal?"

"Aizawa wants to protect his family. He may have assumed that even if he gets killed, at least they'll be safe. Ide will follow his lead, Matsuda's an idiot, and Mogi isn't with them so I doubt he knows about this."

"And the SPK?"

Raito had forgotten about the SPK. He wants to point out that they're nothing without Near. But would they bail out like this? They've stubbornly stuck to this battle up until now.

"Either it is a trick," he says, "in which case, they won't make any kind of move until we've made the announcement. Or it isn't a trick and they really are that stupid. If it's the latter, then we want to retract the accusations so they'll put the notebook into our hands themselves. If it's the former, then we should go along with this and look for an opportunity to turn the tables."

"But what if that's just what they want?" Takada says. "How do we know they won't hand us a fake and then just rely on the public not believing me if I accuse them again?"

"If that happened," Raito says, "then we would handle it. We could say you'd been coerced into it." Or that she'd defected to the other side. If she happened to die afterwards, that would only support the idea that she'd betrayed Kira. And then she would be _gone. _He'd choose the new spokesperson himself. "Besides, there's no reason we can't test the Note when they give it to us. If they put it into our hands, then we can prevent them leaving and check it right away. If... if they were at all intelligent, they'd have one of them move it to a new location and not go to the meeting, so that we couldn't get the location from the others. I sincerely doubt they'll think of that. But even if they did, you could make new announcements."

Takada frowns, but then she says, "I suppose that I could make it appear that I'm not happy with this idea that they're not enemies of Kira. Or at least that I'm not sure of its veracity."

"Yes, fine." Her head must already be full of how she'll appear, how she'll present herself. Typical. "Issue the retraction, but find Misa as well. Don't link it in with anything about the task force. Mogi might have convinced her she's in danger. Just... get it into the news or talk shows or something, that I'm looking for her. That I'm _concerned _for her. When she's back with me, I can see what information she can offer. It might well be that Mogi will have trusted her enough to let something slip. But if we don't take them up on their deal, all we can do is keep hunting for them when we could be getting them to lead us right to the notebook."

Takada nods slowly. "All right."

"They're trying to copy Near. Set up a dramatic meeting and make it work in their favour. There's no way they can pull it off."

But he's feeling better now. This is a game and he understands games. There are dozens of openings in this one. He'll find one, and then sweep through the opposing pieces in a few moves. Things are not out of his control at all, no matter what Ryuzaki said.

ooo

Gevanni feels like all the energy he got from eating and drinking and splashing his face with cold water has been used up on talking to Matsuda. What the hell did he think he was doing anyway, sounding off to the guy like he had any means of helping him? He's been doing that too much lately, telling Louise she'd be all right and reassuring Mikami that he'd be protected and now trying to make Matsuda believe that things _aren't _about to go to hell in a handbasket... It wouldn't be so bad if he actually had been able to follow up on any of these promises, but as it is all he does is hand out platitudes.

God. He needs to get a grip; sitting around feeling sorry for himself isn't going to get him anywhere. _Take your own advice. Save the stressing for after we've got rid of the serial killer who wants us all dead. _After all, there's clearly some kind of plan being developed, although he can't pull the scraps of conversation he's heard into anything coherent. He's been enough of a burden already, he needs to take the opportunity to do something that'll actually matter -

"So. Feeling better?"

Mello's leaning on the back of the sofa, inches away from him, and he starts before he can help himself. Mello doesn't laugh, but there's an odd flicker - contempt, concern - in his face.

"Yes," Gevanni says at last. "Thanks."

A shrug. "I wanted to have a chat with you."

It was unsettling enough when Near showed focused interest in you alone, and Gevanni was at least pretty confident he could beat Near in a fight and that the guy hadn't killed anyone. He keeps a polite, curious expression on his face and tells himself not to start jumping at shadows.

"Why'd you keep Mikami with you?" Mello says.

Not the opener Gevanni wanted to hear. Of course Mello could just be making conversation; offhandedly curious. Except that Gevanni can't imagine anyone on a level with Near ever being one for small talk.

"Why not?" he says. "He was a resource we didn't want Yagami to have... not to mention we know he was acting as Kira."

"So?"

"So... we were attempting to place the perpetrators in the Kira case under arrest. I was trying to stick to that aim." He makes himself meet Mello's eyes like he can't see any illogicality in his answer, like there's absolutely nothing he's keeping back. And there _isn't, _really; he was gambling, trying to get away both with his life and with one of the people who'd used the murder notebook neutralised and in custody. Mello should understand risk-taking, right?

"Uh-huh." Mello glances away, his gaze flat, picks at the seam on his glove. "Following orders to the letter, huh? Hey, I don't give a damn whether you were blindly loyal to Near or not, so you know. Not sure I'd believe it if you said you were."

"Why not?"

"Hal's in this to screw Kira over," Mello says, looking back at him now. "You've seen already how she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else."

"Including you?" Gevanni blurts it out mainly because he'd like the focus to be moved off him, but the next second he knows he really doesn't want to give the impression he's trying to antagonise Mello. Still, the guy only raises an eyebrow and says, "No, she fell for my long-term prospects, good looks, clean record and charming demeanour. God. My point is if I got in the way of Kira being taken down, she'd get rid of me. Now, your buddy who's getting the shit kicked out of him right now by NHN - _he _was following orders. Took the case and sees it through. Near was his boss, so he wants what Near wanted. Dunno if that's still the case now, but it probably doesn't matter either way. What I'm saying is, if it was ever personal for him, it's become about finishing the job. The Japanese task force too, I reckon... oh, and of course they're pissed off Kira was under their noses the whole time and want to make themselves feel like they actually did something useful."

"Right." Does Mello know about Louise? It's entirely likely that he saw Gevanni's records, back when the rest of the SPK were killed... but Louise died after that, and it's not like Mello would've been interested in keeping tabs on someone who, to him, was just one of Near's tools, right? He had more important things to think about. At least, Gevanni certainly hopes he did. He makes himself smile. "And you're wondering where I fit in?"

"Mikami rescued you when you got shot." Mello doesn't smile back. "I'm just wondering what you said to him that made him give that much of a damn about you. Even if you'd been playing mind games and making sure you didn't leave marks, I don't think you'd have been able to Stockholm Syndrome him _that _quickly."

Gevanni swallows. He doesn't really want to explain all the early lies. Besides, Mikami _knows _now that they were lies. Why would they still have any sway over him? "I'm not sure I know myself what I said to him. He's confused. We talked a bit... I tried to reassure him things would be okay..."

"Why exactly?"

"Because I needed him to trust me so he wouldn't make a break for it?"

"Sure, sure." Mello is still watching him. "I mean, if it had been me, I probably would've left him for Yagami to scoop up. He wouldn't want information about the notebook getting out either, so he'd get in there fast. There's nothing Mikami could give to Yagami except the eye deal, and that's not much, Yagami knows all the names and faces he needs. And then, when we take Kira down, that means Yagami, Takada and Mikami all get it. In some way. It's not like Mikami would cut and run. Hell, if he did, Yagami would kill him to make sure he didn't give up any information."

"Hey... you're the genius round here." Gevanni wants to smile again, but he's kind of forgotten how. "I guess I panicked when Rester told me what was going on." Why the hell is he feeling like he's got something to hide? It's not like he's promised Mikami anything he has no intention of delivering on, or has given the impression he's going to switch sides, or whatever. Why does he feel like Mello's about to find out something Gevanni really doesn't want him to know?

"Locked solid, huh? Kept going on the last order you'd been given?"

"I... I guess." Maybe it's just Mello's naturally intimidating demeanour. Maybe he just makes every conversation feel like an interrogation. In which case Gevanni should stop letting himself get knocked off-balance so easily, because no doubt that's exactly what Mello wants.

"And I suppose you _had _been spending weeks following him around. It must've felt natural by then."

"I... yeah, I suppose so. Uh... no offence, but is this going anywhere? I know I was dumb, but that's why I'm not the one coming up with the plans."

"Just trying to work out what you're loyal to," Mello says, straightening up, staring down at him. "It'd be a kick in the teeth if it turned out to be Mikami. You know. _He saved my life so I owe him._ Some shit like that."

Gevanni wishes Mello hadn't phrased it quite like that. It makes it sound like Gevanni was calculatedly kind to Mikami in order to assure himself of an ally. Which, in a small way, he _was, _but - not like it sounds, not in a cruel way. Hell, considering what Kira's already done to him, Mikami owes _him _for not seeking any kind of retribution. The whole saving-of-life thing just makes them even.

He snorts. "Look - I'm loyal to _me, _to not having a fatal heart attack before I'm thirty. And of course I want Kira to get what's coming to him. Because if he doesn't, I don't want to think about what kind of world we're going to end up in. Does that reassure you?"

Mello stares at him for a few seconds more, his eyes pale and empty, slivers of light from around the boards reflected in them. Gevanni feels like he said way too much and like Mello's picking it apart for clues even now, but all he can do is keep his mouth shut.

"I need you to sound Mikami out," Mello says at last. "Find out how sane and predictable he is before we start taking further steps."

Gevanni considers that _sane, _at least, is not a word he would have applied to the Mikami he's been with in the last few days, and that _predictable _isn't the no-brainer it might once have been. "Well... I'm happy to talk to him. Is that all you meant?"

"Yeah. Go and be nice to him. Make like you're concerned about him, but the bastard in the black is putting pressure on you to follow his orders. You're wavering, okay? You could plausibly either help him escape or break your little truce. We're going to need him to fortuitously escape and pass on some key details to Kira."

_There. _The faint twist in his stomach, the sign that he's not thinking like an agent, he's thinking like... _him. _Like Stephen Loud, getting worked up over something he's only emotionally involved in; not like Gevanni, focusing on the mission. He keeps his face blank - Mello's watching him, clearly looking for a reaction - but already the silence has grown too long, already it's obvious he doesn't like the plan.

"You... you think he's going to go back to Kira?" he says at last. "I mean... he's pretty confused. And... I've kind of spent the last few days convincing him not to."

"I'm not asking you to do the convincing," Mello says. "Just talk to him, because for whatever reason he hasn't put you in the _sinners who deserve to burn in fiery hell _box in his head."

"Yeah, I know, it's just... mentally, he wasn't too stable to begin with. Seems a little harsh to trigger a nervous breakdown in him. Or, you know, place him in a position where he'll get talked into giving up half his lifespan again."

"What seems _harsh _to me," Mello says, "is that the guy whose orders you were following has got killed off at the age of eighteen because Kira's followers can gun down anyone they want without any fears of repercussion. Or that his right-hand man's been locked up without trial and no doubt they're having a great time seeing how many times they can make him crack. Or that some housewife's had her kids' lives threatened in order to make her betray her husband live on TV." His voice doesn't rise, but his eyes are slitted and he is perfectly still. "Mikami went to Kira rallies. He wanted the bastard to notice him. It's not my fault he doesn't like what he wished for."

It's the guilt-tripping which makes Gevanni say, fake-calmly, "It isn't him who killed Near, you know. Or L... or your friend in the red car."

For a moment he thinks Mello is going to, at the very least, punch him, if not do something more creative like break his fingers. But then the guy glances away, and the sense of mentally being in the sight of a sniper rifle fades a little.

"Hey," Mello says at last. "If you've got any suggestions about how _else _we can feed them information without making it look ridiculously obvious, do share them. Or are you just pissed off your dramatic rescue was in vain?"

"I just..."

"Whatever. All I'm asking you to do is talk to him. You'd want to do that anyway, right? Seeing as you're so concerned for his welfare? So if you feel _up to it, _perhaps you could do it now. I don't think any of us are enjoying the whole squatting in abandoned buildings thing."

There isn't really a way to say no to this, so Gevanni nods. "Right." Actually, it's probably better to get it over with. Otherwise he'll have time to think about it. He gets to his feet - the wound throbs like a marble trapped under his skin - and limps over to the door. "Are you going to show me where you left him?"

Mello nods, elbows the door open, starts stalking down the corridor. Gevanni's instincts want him to keep quiet and let sleeping dogs lie, but a mix of curiosity and the urge to prove he's not scared of Mello makes him say, "Can I ask... why are you in this? Who are you loyal to?"

"You really are an idiot, aren't you. Kira killed L. What the fuck else would I be doing with my time?"

"Right... sure."

"Besides... I'm technically the new L. As of January 28th. May as well finish the job the old one started." He stops by a heavy-looking, pockmarked door, starts unlocking it. "I'll come back in half an hour, okay? Seeing as you've spent so much time with him, this'll probably feel like home to you."

He's already raising a gun as he opens the door, calls inside, "Stay back against the wall. That's it. Got a visitor for you."

Gevanni squints at the room beyond, but all he can make out is a few hairline cracks of grey sky in the blackness. "You've kept him locked up in the dark?"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to get brained by a torch later on." Mello rolls his eyes. "There's a boarded-up window, all right? Your eyes'll adjust, now get a move on, for god's sake."

Gevanni wants to point out it's not that he's bothered by the dark so much that he suspects it won't have done Mikami's sanity much good, but he's probably tried Mello's patience enough already. So he shrugs, like it really isn't a big deal, and walks into the room. Mikami is standing under the tiny window, head slumped. The door slams behind Gevanni, and he hears it lock. Mikami twitches a little.

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Gevanni wonders how exactly to go into this. _Just talk to him, _Mello said, but that _isn't _all it is. Mikami will want to know whose side Gevanni's on. Or maybe he won't, maybe he'll assume Gevanni is trustworthy, right before Gevanni points him in the direction of Kira again.

He's still going over the stuff Mello said. He doesn't think he just got stuck on a _stay close to Mikami _setting like he's some kind of robot, but it's true that if he'd been thinking straight, he probably would've ditched the guy. Hell, he had a ton of opportunities to do that. So what was it? It helped the case, but not that much. It wasn't revenge, he made sure of that, so - what? Trying to kid himself he was doing something useful? Like he'd got something to make up? In which case, why isn't he jumping at the chance to help now?

Oh, for god's sake, he can analyse his motives later.

"How are you?" he says at last. His eyes haven't adjusted properly yet; Mikami is just a silhouette. Gevanni doesn't like not being able to see his face. Perhaps he's decided his earlier assistance was an aberration, and is readying himself to dive across the room and strangle his former travelling companion.

But Mikami doesn't move. He just swallows - dry-sounding mouth - and says, his voice hoarse, "I thought you wouldn't be here."

"I would've come to see you earlier," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice quiet and calm. "But I wasn't feeling so good."

"You were ill." Abruptly, Mikami slumps down onto the floor, back against the wall. "I thought you were going to die."

Gevanni comes to sit next to him. The floor is cold and dusty. "I don't know. It could have just been a cold." His eyes are adjusting a little more now. It looks like they might be in an old storage room, a cupboard; there are a few shelves welded to the walls. It smells of dirt and damp. "I'm all right now... my leg just hurts a bit, is all." He hears his voice echo stupidly round the small space. (Let him talk.) But he finds himself wanting to fill the silence, something he hardly ever feels the need to do. He chokes down another banal sentence about his health, and looks round the room again. Now he sees that the walls are... mottled, marked with mould, perhaps, or...

"I know I said..." Mikami's voice trails off. "But I wasn't trying to die. It was to atone."

"What are you talking about?"

Mikami fumbles with his sleeves, pulls them up, then grabs at Gevanni's hand, presses the palm to his wrist. There's dampness and the raised, torn edge of cuts.

"Mikami..."

"Just to make it better!" Mikami wails. "To make it real. It was _dark _and I couldn't see his face! You said it was about writing down names, all of you. I thought that might bring it back! That might make it better!"

Gevanni squints at the marks on the walls. Smears of Japanese characters jump out at him in the dim light. Perhaps luckily, it's too dark to be able to work out what any of the names are. He takes a deep breath and his thoughts start playing over and over _the key thing is not to get emotionally involved - the key thing is to remain detached - _he makes a half-hearted effort to be angry, to think _he didn't kill my sister but he might as well have done, he would have done given half a chance _but of course that doesn't do a thing to stop the unease, the sense that the darkness is touching the back of his neck. _This is something useful. If you want to generalise, think of it as avenging her or whatever. No one would blame you -_

"It didn't break the truce," Mikami says, firmly, as if saying something enough will make it true. "It didn't."

"No. No, of course it didn't. Just... try not to do it again? It won't help -"

"I want to go home," Mikami cuts in. "You said I could if I wanted to."

"Yeah, I know, but..." he swallows. It's not like he can say _sure, I'll talk to Mello. _They should at least try not making it blindingly obvious to Yagami what they're trying to do. And if this conversation is telling Gevanni anything, it's that Mikami isn't going to be able to be trusted with the truth of their plan. "I can't... we can't do that right now." (God, try and sound convincing.) "It's no safer than it was before -"

"I don't care!" Mikami yells it. "This is a bad place! You must know that. You know everything else -" He dives forward; Gevanni feels fingers clutch at his shirt front. Mikami smells of sweat, blood. "Why can't you help me? I helped you. I led myself into sin to stop you dying - I willingly went with _him - _I could have - I should have let you die -"

"Mikami -"

You were an evil one all along!" Mikami is shuddering - he gasps for breath, a torn, choking sound. "I followed you and you promised me friendship and you led me into the dark! Why was I so _blind?" _He is screaming now and Gevanni can feel the breaths on his face, bloodstains seeping through his shirt, and before he can think he's grabbed at Mikami's hands, wrenched him away. Mikami falls back against the wall - Gevanni flung him harder than he meant to - and curls up, whimpering. His head slumps, his tangled hair hiding his face.

"I haven't lied to you," Gevanni says. He meant it to sound calm, but it comes out defensive, bitter. "The stuff I told you when we agreed the truce - that was all true. I know Mello's treating you badly. He's..." He stops, trying to think where to go with this. _I am your friend. I mean it this time. You can trust me. _"He's angry with Kira, and... and he -"

"He gives into it," Mikami says, his voice hoarse. "He hates and he gives into the hate."

"Well... yeah. But he's got a place for me to hide and he helped fix me up and make me well. I have to work with him."

"Are you scared to die?" says Mikami, abruptly.

"I... well, yeah... I mean, most people are, aren't they, when it comes down to it?" He's babbling. "I don't want to have to die if it's at all avoidable, if that's what you mean."

"You back down against evil because you're scared to die," Mikami says, suddenly calm, like he can see into Gevanni's head. "You let people get hurt because you want to stay alive."

Gevanni finds himself wondering whether he's really angry or whether he's choosing to get mad, just to make himself feel a bit less guilty. Whichever reason it is, he makes no effort to stay calm, to be the rational one. He stares at Mikami and, letting his voice sound as contemptuous as possible, says, "Yeah, of course, that's why I joined an organisation hunting _Kira, _who kills everyone who tries to find out about him. Because I was scared. Yeah. Sure. Ever occur to you maybe I was trying to stop people getting hurt? Ever occur to you how many families you've left mourning with all the people you killed?" Mikami tries to speak but Gevanni carries on, enjoying for once not having to watch every word he says, "You kid yourself you were protecting the weak but screw that, you and Kira just did it to make yourselves feel powerful and idiots like us dared to call you on it. And for your information? I don't owe you a thing. You tried to kill me, back at that warehouse. Although I guess you forgot that, too."

He stops, and he's high on speaking his mind but under that his chest is tight with unease and guilt at what effect his words might actually have had. It isn't like Mikami's not already miserable enough. And he wants to apologise, already he wants to build bridges and go back to all the lying and at the same time he wants just to _say _it, _you killed my sister, you fucking bastard, you should count yourself lucky I'm not here beating the shit out of you myself, _even if it's not true, none of it's true but somehow that's stopped mattering -

Mikami draws a deep, sobbing breath.

"I didn't know," he says at last, miserably. "I... I know I should have seen, but I just didn't know!"

Gevanni wonders if he _did _blurt out something about Louise without realising but the next second Mikami has bowed, low, his forehead touching the ground inches from Gevanni's knees, and has whispered, "God, please - forgive me -"

(This is -)

"No," Gevanni says, and the fever feels like it's come back, his skin sprouting a million thorns of hot and cold. This is - it was bad enough faking friendship, let alone -

_Look, he could be praying, don't jump to conclusions, talk about megalomania_ - and he says, "Look... I'm sorry. I was saying stuff I didn't mean -"

"You came back from the dead." Mikami's eyes are shining; he's digging his teeth into his lower lip. "You were dying and now you've returned. It was _meant _that I helped you! It wasn't it wasn't a sin at all, you were warning me against a false god! I know I did not realise quickly enough but... but I did help, that... that counts, surely? Please, anything I can do to atone, just tell me -"

"Mikami -" Gevanni's throat aches. "Listen, all right? I'm not..."

(Hey, wouldn't this come in useful? It isn't like it _is _revenge. He needs something to believe in. He always has -)

"You don't need to talk like this," he says, at last.

Mikami stares at him, face open and hurt. Then he swallows and a dull blankness, a crude mock-up of the professional demeanour he used to wear, slides over his face. "I understand." His voice is still shaking a bit. "You don't wish me to reveal your true self. I understand. But - tell me what you want me to do?"

(See? Perfect opportunity)

Gevanni swallows, opens his mouth without having any idea what he's going to say.

"Don't... don't hurt yourself," he begins, figuring that can't be a bad start. "And no more writing names."

Mikami nods. "A... an aberration. Won't... never again."

"Just... keep yourself safe. I'll... I'll try and come to talk to you. Mello will be probably be unpleasant, but I won't... I won't let him hurt you."

"I know that you won't. Not now I know you." Mikami shifts onto his knees and before Gevanni can stop him he's bowed low again. Gevanni feels his stomach lurch and for a moment this feels like one of the dreams he had while they were driving back to Tokyo, the world shaking and full of whispering about Kira and murder and Mikami watching him with his hands covered in blood -

"I have to go now," he manages to say, struggling to his feet. His injured leg feels as heavy as the rest of him combined and almost buckles underneath him as he stumbles to the door, thumps on it, calls Mello's name. Mikami sits with his back to the wall, knees to his chest, a smile settled on his face.

ooo

"He's really ill," Gevanni says, fifteen minutes later. He managed not to throw up on or collapse at Mello's feet, but the world is still rippling slightly and everyone is looking at him like they expect him to cause problems for them at any moment.

"That wasn't what I asked." Mello is sprawled across the sofa, feet resting on its arm. His right thumb traces one of the ridges of scarred skin on his face. Gevanni finds himself watching the movement like the rhythm of it will somehow fix everything. "I asked, how much use is he going to be?"

"He's _always _seemed ill," Ide says. He and Aizawa and Matsuda are clustered together by the table; Lidner leans on the back of the sofa, the set of her features echoing Mello's.

"He's going to pieces. He was writing... writing things on the wall in his blood. He thought..."

He trails off. If he says _he thinks I'm God_, Mello will make him talk Mikami into switching sides, and that's _fine, _he's already done that once, it's just, it's just - why does it feel like more of a lie now?

"Mikami is our only chance of surviving this, at the moment." Mello's arm drops; he leans on it, rolling onto his side, and stares straight at Gevanni, another one of those pale-eyed gazes. "I'd like to know if we can actually rely on him at _all _or if I need to come up with a new plan before we hand Kira the murder notebook. So stop holding out on me."

Gevanni swallows. "He thinks I'm his god."

Silence for a second. Outside it sounds as if it's raining harder; the windows are rattling behind their boards. A crow caws, some distance away. Mello gives a short, flat laugh. "I knew there was a reason I kept you alive."

"Why does he think that?" Matsuda says quietly, looking up at Gevanni.

"I don't know. Because he's been under a hell of a lot of stress and fixed on me as someone who gives a damn about him?" Gevanni snaps it out, knowing Matsuda will take it as an attack on him, and sure enough, the other man drops his gaze, hunches over again. (Grow up.)

"How fucking noble," Mello says. "I'm sure your primary concern has been his welfare rather than yours ever since you came to Japan. Now can you stop being so holier-than-thou and tell us whether he's any _use_?"

"Unless you're no longer committed to sorting this out," Lidner says coolly.

Her voice sours the anger that was building up in Gevanni's chest, turns it into resentful embarrassment. (Get a grip.)

"I don't know," he says at last. "If I tell him what's going on, what we need him to do, Yagami could probably get it out of him -"

"Even though he's transferred his allegiance to you?" Aizawa frowns. "He didn't seem the betraying type. Near even commented on it -"

"Yeah, but that was _before _he went nuts," Mello says, scowling. "And if Gevanni's managed to get him to switch his loyalty just by being nice to him, it can be switched back."

"Raito will know that," Matsuda says, still staring at his hands.

"But... if he's not loyal to Raito," Ide says, "then he's not likely to go to him and tell him where the thing he wants is hidden."

"He will if he thinks his god has abandoned him." Mello grins up at the grimy ceiling. "He might well head back to Takada if he thinks that's happened, at least." He looks back. "Don't you think, Gevanni?"

The others are all looking at him.

"What, you want me to go back to him and tell him I reject everything he stands for and the truce is off?" he manages to say.

"You _do _reject everything he stands for," Lidner says. "Unless you've become a fan of legalised vigilanteism in the last few days."

"We need to be more subtle than that," Mello says. "We let him go back to Kira, he'll be asked what's happened to him. It'd be nice if it wasn't immediately obvious what we're trying to do."

"So what _should _we do?" Ide looks tired of the conversation. Gevanni can sympathise. His head aches, and everything seems too close.

Mello takes a bite of chocolate, chews, seemingly intent on savouring the flavour. Eventually, when his mouth's empty again, he says, "Gevanni's going to see he's onto a good thing. You know? He's going to keep talking to Mikami. Work out how far he's willing to go for us, how much he knows about Kira. He's good at that, aren't you?"

Gevanni keeps his face blank, watches Mello. His heart's thumping like he's about to go into a fight. Which he might well be.

"What's... what's he going to say to him?" Matsuda asks.

"Doesn't matter. His leg wound's going to start giving him trouble again. I mean, there's only so much you can do with stolen drugs and ex-Mafia medical skills. He won't be able to see Mikami as much as he'd like. So I'll take over." He smiles, a quick, sharp smile like a wound opening up. "And I don't like Mikami. He helped kill Near, didn't he? That was meant to be my job if it was anyone's."

Gevanni swallows. "You're not going to -"

"I'm going to weaken his faith in you," Mello says, coldly now. "I'm a _bad thing _you're not saving him from. Then... when it's time, one of you lot -" He waves a hand at the task force. "You can screw up and let him escape. Oops. Kira should find that believable."

Silence for a second. It's still raining.

"You know the kind of thing they're doing to Rester," Mello says, staring straight at Gevanni. "You've got a better plan for getting him out?"

Gevanni stares back at him and hears himself say, fake-calm, just like the high school kid who thought nothing could touch him, "I'm happy to talk to Mikami further, and if you prevent me from speaking to him I guess I go along with that. If I do, how about you get off this revenge kick? It's not the same as justice, or did L not teach you that bit?"

He really expects Mello to level a gun at his face. But Mello doesn't. He only looks at Gevanni, and smiles, and says, "Hey... all I need is your agreement. You're the important bit here. So if you're good to go, then... we're good to go."

It feels like everyone breathes out, but perhaps that's just Gevanni's own sigh of relief seeming so horribly loud. The next second, of course, reality catches up with him. All he's done is make an effort to distance himself from any cruelty that might go on, remind everyone he doesn't condone it, it wasn't his idea. He'll still be comforting Mikami, leading the other man to depend on him, and then agreeing to disappear when he's told. He tries to tell himself that this way he can help, that if he opts out then Mello will just come up with a new plan, but it doesn't make him feel much better.


	10. Wavering

Matsuda's never been very good at waiting. That's why he watches TV so much, because a lot of the time you're hanging around waiting for someone like Raito or Ryuzaki to tell you what to do, or for some data to load, or you're just kind of bored of looking through loads of files.

The waiting right now is much worse than that, of course. There are so many things that could go wrong, and he can't do anything to stop any of them because he isn't doing anything important in this plan except maybe deliberately screwing up, later. And it still feels like everyone else is ignoring him. Even Gevanni, though Gevanni's probably worrying about the plan too. He didn't look happy earlier. Matsuda feels kind of glad that there's someone else who feels kind of bad about themselves, even though Gevanni's got far less of a reason to do so.

Mello and Lidner aren't here; Gevanni is, standing by one of the windows, idly drumming his fingers against it. Aizawa and Ide are talking in one of the far corners. Matsuda bets they're talking about him, but they're keeping their voices low and the words are drowned out by the sound of the radio, turned right down, music distant as if it's coming from a house several doors down. It makes Matsuda think of long dull Sunday afternoons when he was a kid, when there was no one to hang out with and all he had to do was homework that he didn't understand. But he stays in that memory anyway, his mind wandering through bored channel-hopping, old movies and sport stuff that he used to wonder if _anyone _watched, and the pale grey sky glowing in the screen. And from another part of the house, the constant beat of his brother's radio -

The phone rings, right next to him on the table. He doesn't really think about it. (Well, he does. He thinks about how if he just waited for someone else to answer, he'd be agreeing with them and how they think he's useless, not even capable of answering a phone. But maybe that's later, when he's rationalising it.)

He picks it up, mind feeling very clear and empty, and hits Answer. "Hello?"

"Is that Matsuda?"

It's Raito, of _course _it is. Matsuda feels like everything else is rushing away from him and there's only Raito's voice, heavy and warm on his face.

"Yeah," he manages to say. "I mean - yes, yes it is. What do you want?"

"How are you?" Raito's voice is light, friendly. He's always been able to talk like that, even when he was still in high school, he always sounded _polite - _and suddenly Matsuda remembers him screaming and cursing and hunched over with the blood pouring from his hand and then, then the spatters on the walls are back.

"Matsuda?" Raito says, softly.

"I - I'm fine. I'm fine!"

Gevanni's hurried out of the room, probably to find Mello and Lidner; Aizawa and Ide have dashed over and Aizawa is already making _give me the phone _gestures. Matsuda pretends he hasn't seen.

"That's good," Raito says. There's a hint like he's laughing, now, like he knows how not-fine Matsuda is. He'd be pleased, wouldn't he? Matsuda shot him, for goodness sake. "I had a message for you all, actually. I thought you'd like to know I've spoken to Takada and convinced her to... go along with your demands."

"That's - that's good. Thank -" Matsuda bites off the end of the sentence.

"She's not particularly happy about it, as I'm sure you can imagine. She takes her position as Kira's spokeswoman very seriously, and it's extremely upsetting for her to be forced into using it to spread lies. But we want to be able to continue making the world a better place, so we've had to accept your demands on this occasion. She'll be airing her retraction tomorrow morning, on News at Seven."

"Good." Oh, god, they're supposed to be making plans, aren't they, setting up a meeting. _Think, you idiot, think! _"So... we'll meet a week from today then? If - if you guys don't take it back in the meantime. The - the TV stuff, I mean."

"I think that's what Aizawa was suggesting," Raito says. "So that would be February 9th. In the Yellow Box Warehouse. Shall we say one p.m. again? That seemed to work quite well last time, didn't it?"

"Sure. I'll... I'll tell Aizawa. He can call you if there's anything else he wants to say."

"And then what will happen?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, Matsuda," Raito says, still with that edge of laughter in his voice. "You really haven't thought ahead very far, have you? Haven't you realised that everyone despises you for what you've done?"

The air seems to grow thin suddenly, like it does when you're really angry, but Matsuda doesn't feel angry, just numb, _it's not true, it's not really true, it can't be -_

"Do you really think the NPA will want you back?" Raito says. "They'll have to prosecute you. Isn't that what you're fighting for? A legal system that doesn't let anyone get away? And besides, Aizawa and Ide and Mogi have always been so sure that they're on the moral high ground. When it comes down to it, they'll do the right thing, they'll ensure that anyone they deem a criminal is judged through a court of law. But courts don't understand the human feeling behind it all, do they?"

Matsuda tries to speak. He tries to say something like _leave me alone, this isn't important, _but he can't get the words out. Raito carries on, "No court would listen to you when you tried to explain that you were just scared. Or that you're not a bad person. And you set yourself against Kira a long time ago." He laughs. It's almost nervous, as if he's not sure whether Matsuda will get the joke. "So what are you going to do?"

"I'm..." His heart is pounding, the beat sticking in his throat. "I'm going to..."

"Go on the run?" Raito says. "Ally yourself with the criminals?" He snorts. "I'd like to see that happen."

Matsuda wants to scream at him to shut up but he can't give away to Ide and Aizawa what's being talked about. He swallows and tries to speak but there aren't any words. For a moment, Raito is silent too, but then, all at once, he says, "Kira punishes those who deserve it, Matsuda. But he spares those who show they're loyal. Those who repent. Those fools you're taking orders from? They're all just doing it to assuage their egos. I would have said that you are, too, if it wasn't for the fact that destroying Kira will get you jailed for life, if not executed -"

It's another moment of not-thinking. Matsuda slams the phone shut, and the voice is gone, it's just him and Aizawa and Ide and the silence -

"What did he say?" Aizawa says at last.

Matsuda swallows. When he starts to speak, it's okay. He thought even speaking would send everything crashing down but it doesn't, it's _okay - _"Taki - Takada will... she'll say it tomorrow morning. News at Seven. Then... then we'll meet on the 9th. At one o'clock, like... like before, and..."

"And?"

"That's it."

"No, it's not," Ide says. "You were on the phone for much longer."

"He was just... saying stuff. About how... how we thought we were so great and now... now we're complete losers. You know what he's like." He stares at them both, trying to look blank and unassuming. Aizawa scowls: "Typical." Ide doesn't look so convinced, but Matsuda doesn't look at him. "He said you can call him back if there's more you want to say," he says to Aizawa. "So you can... you can do that if... if you want. I'm going to..." He's stumbling towards the door, pushing past Mello and Gevanni and Lidner, who've just come in - Mello snarls something at him but he doesn't care - and then he's out in the corridor. No light in here. Dusty air; a sliver on the floor from the window at the end.

"Matsuda -"

The door swings open - a blast of warmer air, then it closes. Matsuda wants to keep walking, maybe call back something sardonic and uncaring like _why do you keep wanting to follow me _or whatever, but if he speaks the words will stick in his throat, he'll sound croaky and like he's trying not to cry. And if he just walks without speaking, he'll look like he's sulking. So he stops, digging his nails into his palms and wishing he could be like all the others here and just act a bit pissed off if someone was a jerk.

Except that it isn't just that _Raito was being a jerk. _Raito's got a point, after all; how can Matsuda be fighting for proper rules and laws and then turning round and saying he doesn't want them to apply to him? And he _has _to keep fighting, he made his choice, he made it so damn obvious how much he hated Kira and how much he wanted Raito dead and now he's - now he'll get what he wishes and if that dooms him too then it's his own fault, isn't it?

"What did he say?" Ide has stopped, isn't that far down the corridor - he sounds truculent, like he's determined to prove Matsuda's deliberately lying to him.

"He was just... being... being crazy." Matsuda makes himself say it. The words sound like someone else is speaking them. "You know, because he _is _and all. It freaked me out."

"Right." A few hesitant steps closer, and then Ide is standing behind him. "Well... you should tell us things like that. Really you should have let us listen to the call, connected up the phone again. It's important we know how he's acting."

"I _know _that." Matsuda swallows. "He just said..."

And he's too hot suddenly, and all the fear and fury is curling itself into the centre of his chest and why the hell _should _he tell Ide anything, it's not like Ide can do much about it, all that would happen is another lecture on how stupid Matsuda is -

"He just said how his dad would've... would've thought badly of us. It... made me mad."

"He's a lunatic," Ide says, and he sounds scornful, like he's bought the lie, and Matsuda risks looking round at him. Their eyes meet and Ide clears his throat and carries on, shifting his gaze away, "The Chief wouldn't be thinking badly of _us, _and he knows that. He just doesn't want to face it."

"Yeah. I guess."

"I'm not surprised it got to you, though." Ide glances at him again. He is speaking a little too loudly. "To actually trot out a line like that... it's disgusting."

Matsuda shrugs, and is turning away again when Ide says, very quickly, "About what I said before -"

"You were right." Oh, so now Ide's going to start giving one of those I'm-sorry-but-it-really-was-kind-of-your-fault apologies? Because you can't really hate someone so incompetent? "I need to get some guts."

"I..."

"Look, I could use some - some time on my own. Clear my head -" and he forces a grin, and then makes himself walk away and Ide just says, a bit hopelessly, "Right," and then the corridor is bending round and Matsuda's finally on his own and he just walks, through the dark, dusty building, and he feels shaken and sick and like he wants to hit something but under all that there's a bit of hope, like someone's showing him a way out at last.

ooo

Misa hasn't been able to sleep all night. She used to be really good at getting to sleep in unfamiliar places. She even managed to sleep a little when they thought she was Kira and had her tied up in the dark, although that was always kind of scary because you forgot whether you had your eyes open, and what was a dream and what had really happened. A lot of the time, she dreamt about getting out of there.

Anyway, there's no need to think about that right now.

This room isn't very nice. The sheets are itchy and the carpet doesn't fit right, there are patches of linoleum underneath. The room is small and draughty and outside the view is onto a yard lined with bins. She can hear voices calling, clatters, the hum of vehicles. It's not _romantic. _It's not anything else, either, it's not scary or strange or cruel. It's like life was before she went to look for Kira, when she was waiting for that man to be tried. Everything was nasty. Everything's nasty now except that there's someone to hold on to, and even then that doesn't feel quite enough any more.

Maybe it's just what Mochi said to her. Maybe it's soured all the memories of Raito she has. Another way he's hurt her. He worries about that, that he's hurting her by sleeping with her; she can tell. Sometimes she wants to scream at him that he's hurt her already, differently, he's lied and tricked and _made her come back here _(although _here _is fading behind them now, like a sign in a car mirror). Other times she wants to cling to him and tell him she loves him and try and pretend to both of them that this is all she needs. That it doesn't _matter _if she never gets back to Raito, never sees him again. She knows Mochi wants her to feel that - either because then he'll get to be her boyfriend instead (seems weird thinking of him being anyone's _boyfriend, _he's too serious for that word) or because he really does think Raito is dangerous. Misa doesn't know what she thinks about the second possibility. Sometimes she knows it's not true. Sometimes she knows that even if it _were _true, it doesn't matter, because she can't go on without Raito and when she thinks about keeping walking through life with him gone she would rather be dead. Sometimes...

The third _sometimes _is hard to hear and she often ends up crying when she tries to listen to it.

But Mochi can't expect her just to shrug, accept her fiance lied to her, and _move on, _can he? He's got to understand that Misa needs to _talk _to Raito. But they both know she can only do that through Kiyomi, and they both know that will get them killed.

It's early morning - still very dark. They're both awake; she's lying in his arms, and they're waiting for the news to come on. He's dozing again, which is probably good, because Misa is pretty sure she would make a move on him again if they were talking and then they'd take even longer to get out of the hotel. She can't help it. When they're together like that she feels like _her_, and furiously pleased with herself. Raito will be so angry. Hey, he might actually hurt a little. He might be the one asking for reassurance for once. And even when she wavers on that she can comfort Mochi instead. Tell him that they'll sort things out, that they'll teach Kiyomi a lesson, that Matsu and the others are going to be fine. She puts as much effort in as if it were Raito she's talking to. And Mogi, unlike Raito, doesn't shout at her or tell her she's being stupid. He smiles tiredly and strokes her hair (still carefully, as if he thinks she'll suddenly change her mind).

Mochi is different from Raito. Raito would sometimes make her feel good because he wanted to be the best, and... he _was, _of course (but there was something else to it, to the two of them together, that she can't remember) and other times he just wouldn't care; if she begged and pleaded and wore him down he would fuck her and it would be quick and painful and - and there was something she told herself, something that meant this didn't matter, and she can't remember that either - maybe it's just that she loves him enough she doesn't care, but if that's the case, why doesn't she just _know _it? Why does it feel like she's missing something?

Was it him being Kira?

But if it was, then why doesn't everything make sense?

Some chat show is on right now. Misa's watched it on and off for months, always on her own, in hotels while on shoots or in the apartment, sprawled across the sofa and revelling in the place being task force-free for a bit. She never lay in Raito's arms watching it. They never did that with any TV except the news. Then he'd let her cuddle him, kiss his neck even, because...

Well, they were doing something together. Actually, if he were Kira all that time, he probably felt pretty pleased watching the news, such a lot of it being about him. He probably liked seeing her take an interest.

This is all guessing, though. She can't actually remember whether Raito asked her to watch the news, or whether she suggested it, or whether they just fell into the habit. She can't even remember them ever talking about it. She lives for moments of coupledom, of her and Raito being together, so why can't she remember them?

She sighs, and Mochi touches her shoulder. She makes herself smile up at him - "Don't worry! Misa's fine -" but the question nags at her, still. Did Raito act all happy when they talked about Kira? Did he expect Misa to notice? Perhaps that's why he went to Takada this time. Perhaps she'd been so blind that he assumed she would simply pretend this wasn't happening.

That stuff Fuyumi said, behind Misa's back. About Misa not being able to see the truth. Misa knows it's _not _true, but - but what if it's how she comes across? Even Mochi kept secrets from her, thought she couldn't cope with knowing the real story. Hopefully _he _sees how strong she really is. But she wishes she actually felt strong.

Doesn't matter. He doesn't have to know how scared she is. She's just as good as him at putting on a brave face. She raises her chin a little and squeezes his hand and makes herself focus on the TV instead of her thoughts. They're just finishing interviewing some star about her divorce. She's crying prettily, saying how sad it is that this has happened during the month of February. They make a joke about how it's a shame they didn't get past White Day. Misa remembers, idly, as if it's a fact about someone she used to know years before, that it's Raito's birthday this month. She doesn't want to think about what she'll do if all this is still going on then.

"Now, now, Harumi-chan, you're not the only one who thinks they'll be feeling lonely on Valentine's Day!" The presenter turns to the camera, and starts going on about other couples who have broken up. Misa wants to flick the channel, the last thing she wants to hear about is other people's failed relationships, but she's going to put on a brave face, she can't let Mochi see how much she hates this. So she keeps listening to all the failures. He's been seen leaving a love hotel with another girl. She has asked for a divorce. She has been too busy in her new film career. He has run off with his accountant's wife. It matches the cigarette burns on the sheet, the way the bathroom door doesn't close properly.

"And lastly, what about backout queen Misa-Misa? No one's seen her since she failed to turn up for the New Year's celebrations on NHN. A close friend of hers revealed that she and her fiance, an office worker, have been having problems, and now he doesn't even know where she is!"

Mogi starts, leans forward. Lucky he does, really. Misa would probably figure she'd dozed off. Or was going mad for real, imagining the TV talking to her -

"Exactly," the other presenter says. "Our source said that all the husband-to-be wants is for Misa-Misa to call him and tell him where she is and who she's with. We were told, and I quote, 'he's really worried that she's in trouble with the police, or that she's forgotten how much he loves her. All he needs is for her to do the right thing and call him.' Although I wonder, will he still be so happy if she tells him she's run away with a new man?

"We'll continue to bring you all the top gossip as soon as we hear it!"

And then they just start going on about bad make-up choices like nothing's happened.

Misa feels like someone's dumped a pile of snow on her head. Raito is - Raito never forgot her, he's been looking, all this time, he -

She is wriggling round to face Mogi, desperate to rejoice with _someone, _but of course he's not smiling. He's watching her warily, and - of course he must be terrified that she'll run off and betray him to NHN right away. And then - like a punch -

Of _course _Raito doesn't mean it. It's Kiyomi, trying to track her down.

She bites her lip and she feels so stupid and she almost turns away from Mochi, hides her face so she can cry. But she can't quite let him see how hopeful she was, and how disappointed she is now.

"Guess... guess NHN have started to look for me, right?" she manages to say. Her voice is croaky.

He nods. "They haven't reported you as a fugitive, though. If..." He swallows, and glances away from her for a moment. "If you want to keep on going as we are, then we can probably get away with it a bit longer."

Misa doesn't know what she _wants. _What she wants is to be - is to be back with Raito and for none of this to have happened. To be back with Raito and... and for him to hug her and stroke her hair and tell her how much he loves her. And for Mochi to... to...

"If I didn't do anything, right... she'd probably just keep... keep playing the message?" She can feel herself blushing. All at once she doesn't want to talk about this any more. She wants to kiss Mochi and duck under the covers and touch him and make herself - make them _both _feel really happy and sort of hope that the decision will have sorted itself out without her afterwards. How can she know what to do? (It could be Raito. It could, and if she just doesn't do anything... will he think she's angry with him? That she's changed sides? Will that be _it?_)

"Yes. But if you don't respond to it, I imagine they'd assume that... well, that I was with you and had convinced you of..." His voice trails off, and Misa feels his arm slide off of her, like he's suddenly realised anew that he's in bed with someone else's fiancee. "Or at least that I was preventing you from watching TV. They... might start accusing you of being against Kira too."

"Are you... are you saying I should call NHN, then?" Misa makes herself giggle. All at once she can't keep looking at Mogi. "That doesn't sound like one of your best ideas."

"I don't know. You may... you may decide you'd like to separate. Or... you might choose to... to..." He stops again. Misa really can't look at him now. What's she supposed to say? She never said - she never promised Mogi that -

What if Raito really _doesn't - _

"I have to know," she hears herself say.

She can hear his puzzled silence, and she carries on, clenching her fists, making herself say what she thinks and only that - no giggling, no pretense - facing the truth -

"I have to talk to Raito. I'll... I'll call him. Now. I'll call his mobile. I'll tell him I'm here on my own... say you creeped me out with the stuff you told me so I went back to my sister's. I can ask him about all... all the things you've mentioned. I just won't... I just won't say that you're here too."

Not yet, anyway. Perhaps, when... or maybe, maybe she can say that she and Mochi went to a love hotel back in Tokyo, that they've become _close, _that Misa feels so _guilty _but she was so unsure... Make Raito see, at least, that Misa isn't so predictable. Has feelings too.

"Will you go back to him?" Mogi says, quietly.

Misa makes herself shrug. She wants to say _I don't know, it depends what he says; _or _of course I will, I love him; _but she thinks that if she talks too much about this she'll start crying. She doesn't know why. This - she will talk to Raito and she'll explain and he will cuddle her and be kind just like Mochi is because he won't want to lose her -

She nearly backs out - she nearly says _no, it's a bad plan, let's just stay hiding. _But she's not a coward. She's not, and she trusts Raito to love her. She has to - to give him a chance to prove it.

She scrambles out of bed, starts looking for her clothes. Mogi just sits there for a moment, staring at her as if he doesn't know what she's doing, but eventually he starts following suit.

She feels like she's dressed way too quickly. She feels untidy, like her clothes are on inside out. Her hair's a mess, too, but that probably doesn't matter. She stands still, kicks her heels against the wall, as Mogi finishes putting his clothes on. When he's done he looks over at her and their eyes meet.

"If he asks you if you're with me, or where I am, you'll lie?" he says at last.

She nods. She doesn't want to get Mochi caught, after all. This is about her and Raito, no one else.

Mogi is still looking wary. All at once Misa doesn't want to be talked out of this. She's made up her mind, right? She's going to resolve all this. She -

And if Raito _does - _

"I promise," she says. "I... I like you too, Mochi." She wants to add to that, give him something to feel happy about, say that if she'd never met Raito, then...

But she _has, _and she loves him, and she needs him, and she will miss this, but - but she will get all she needs from Raito now, really...

"I should get out of here while it's still dark," he says. "There's a payphone in the foyer. If you come and find me afterwards, then..."

"Sure. You'll go back along the side of the motorway, right? Through the woods? I'll follow."

"Be careful."

"Misa is _always _careful."

They don't hug or kiss as he heads out of the room. She waits until she figures he's got far enough away to be safe, and then she takes a deep breath and walks downstairs herself.

There isn't anyone about in the hotel lobby, but there is the payphone in the corner. Misa feeds it the change she can dredge up from her purse and then stands trying to touch as little of anything in the room as possible. Her shoes stick slightly to the carpet, and her breath hot on her face from the phone's receiver seems to be full of the breath of everyone else who's used it to say horrible things. This shouldn't be the setting for her reunion with Raito. She should, like, be in a nice room in all pinks and whites and greens, maybe with a chandelier. And lots of windows and it being a fresh sunny day, and polite staff asking her if there was anything else she wanted. That would make her feel like she was doing the right thing, returning to real life. As it is she feels like _this _is the affair, standing in a grimy hallway making a secret call from a love hotel -

She has always memorised Raito's mobile numbers - for some reason, probably because she thought it was a cute girlfriend thing to do - and so she can stab it out now, hoping she's remembering right, hoping it will be him who picks up. What if it's Kiyomi? Well, Misa can just say _I thought Raito might be worried. _And, all ice cold, _if you speak to him, please tell him I'm staying with my family, okay? _

What if nobody picks up? That's okay too, Misa can just leave a voicemail and then she can go and find Mochi and - and okay, she won't have talked to Raito, but all at once she doesn't want to, she's scared enough to feel sick, what if he just says -

"Yagami speaking."

Misa almost can't speak - the shock of his real voice in her ear, that he's not just someone living in her head - but if she doesn't get up the courage to talk then she might just slam the phone down and run, so she swallows and makes herself squeal, "Raito! It's Misa-Misa!"

"Where are you?" he snaps - and it is a snap. Misa tries to remind herself that she did just run off without telling him anything. He's worried about her. Sudden tears sting her eyes, but she swallows again and chirps, "I'm so sorry! Mochi showed up and told me you were hurt and I should run away. He totally freaked me out, so -"

"I don't have time for this," Raito says. "_Tell me where you are._"

The rage flares up without Misa having any say in it and before she can think she's replied, "Oh? Busy with Kiyomi?"

Silence for a moment.

"It's none of your business what I do professionally," Raito says at last, but his voice is cold and hard with fury as if she's really struck a nerve. She thought she _wanted _to strike a nerve but she doesn't, she knows that now. She forgot how much Raito will fight to stop anyone seeing him vulnerable. If she hurts him, he'll hurt her back just to prove he doesn't care. "I had to meet with Takada. I was trying to catch a serial killer, in case you've forgotten. Now stop wasting my time and tell me where you are and who you're with. _Now."_

Misa hears herself laugh scornfully. "Oh, come on. Misa knows who you really are." She wasn't going to come out with that. Not right away. But she doesn't know what else she's meant to say.

She wanted to hurt Raito. She wanted to knock him off-balance. But there's a smile in his voice as he says, "So... Mogi's with you, then? The two of you have obviously been talking."

She's back on track now. "Why would Mochi be with me? What I was going to say was, he showed up at the Teito Hotel and told me... told me lots of stuff. I didn't know what to think, okay? He said you..." Her voice is trembling for real now, so she carries on, "I wanted to get some time on my own. I went back to my sister's. Then... then I saw the thing on the news and I figured maybe we should... talk."

"What did he tell you?"

"That you're..." There's no one in the foyer, but she doesn't want to spell it out. "You know. That you and Kiyomi are looking for Mochi and the others because they stole something of yours. And... and you don't love me." Saying it doesn't make her feel much better. It's like wrenching something out. "So... so I wanted time to think."

"And have you _thought?" _Raito says, and his voice is actually nasty now. Misa wishes they were speaking face to face so she could see how much all this was really bothering him. Down the phone he just sounds bored. Irritated with her and with all of it. "Why exactly are you calling? It clearly wasn't to be of any use. Tell me again, do you have any idea where Mogi is?"

"No!" she snaps back. "And who cares about him anyway? Weren't you even listening? I... Raito, look, I..." _I keep thinking maybe you never loved me. And please - I need - _it's the contempt in his voice that makes this really awful, like he isn't even upset, he's just bored -

"If you're not going to help me, then you may as well save the money and hang up." His voice is softer now. "I'm almost positive that you and Mogi did leave Tokyo together. Why else would you have gone all the way up to Kansai?" Misa bites her lip, stares at the grubby LCD on the phone showing how much time there is left. She focuses on tucking the phone under her chin, reaching for her purse, scrounging up another couple of coins. Raito is carrying on, "You could have just stayed in Tokyo. Moved to another hotel, perhaps. He convinced you to run away because he told you that I was dangerous. But what I don't understand is why you believed him."

"Didn't... I didn't say -"

"Then why aren't you telling me the truth?" Raito says, and he's so calm now, it's as if Misa's the one who's been losing her temper all along. "If you'd decided to throw your lot in with him, you wouldn't be calling me now. Or if you did, it would only be to reassure me. You wouldn't be asking to talk. Did he make you promise? I don't see why that would stop you. Not if you really wanted to help me.

"Or is there something else you don't want to tell me?"

He knows. Or he's guessing that he knows, at least. This - he was supposed to be knocked off-balance - he was supposed to hurt -

"I'll forgive you," Raito whispers. "I always forgive those who love me. And I know you love me, Misa. I know you haven't been lying all this time. Mogi was only using you to stay hidden. He's desperate. He's already dead and he knows it."

_Please let me still love you._

It won't be any different from how it is now. It will be her following Raito around, waiting for him to get home, watching TV on her own, flirting with other guys just to remind herself she still exists, that she hasn't actually become invisible. She wants to be angry. She wants to scream and stamp her foot and tell him that she doesn't need him. But - and this is the awful part - he will call her bluff. Because he doesn't need her. Not any more.

He only needs people who are going to be useful to him.

She is crying properly now, resting her forehead against the phone, the smell of metal and plastic in her throat. Not this. Please not this. Not seeing it all, not knowing - she's wrong, she has to be - she's always been stupid -

She wishes, suddenly, that Mogi had decided to throw caution to the winds and come and find her. She could sob into his shirt front and she could scream at him that this was all his fault, he told her all that stuff about Raito and everything was spoilt. And then she'd kiss him and let him touch her and she could hold back the truth, just a bit longer -

It _can't _be true - it can't -

A series of bleeps in her ear, and then the dial tone. Her money's run out. She doesn't bother looking for more, she knows there isn't any. Just puts the phone back on the hook. Okay. Okay, so... so she... Mochi's okay, and Raito's okay, and she... and she... Perhaps if she just threw herself in front of a car, or went back upstairs and climbed out of the window, perhaps _that _would...

_No, don't be so stupid, he'll love you if you help him, there's nothing wrong with that..._

Of course not. But it won't be the same now. All this has taken the shine off it. She can _see _herself begging for affection. And she can definitely see herself knowing what she's missing. Just someone to curl up on the sofa with. Someone who would be nervous around her sometimes in case she stopped liking him. Someone she could hurt as much as he could hurt her -

The phone is ringing.

Misa stares at it and wonders if she's dreaming or going mad at last before she sees that the number on the screen is Raito's. Shakily, she reaches out, picks up.

"Hello?"

Her voice is thick and raspy.

"Is it loyalty to him?" Raito says, his voice warm and kind and pitying. "Are you worried he'll be angry if you tell?"

"Please," she whispers, "_please, _Raito..." _Please love me. Please don't make it be true how it looks. Please..._

"He's angry with you already," Raito says. "He just doesn't know it."

Misa shakes her head. Mochi hardly ever gets mad with anyone. And it's Raito he's angry at - he doesn't like her still feeling like she does but he's not _angry - _

"You were the Second Kira," Raito says.

The words come out of nowhere, meaning nothing. Like voices which only mean something in a dream.

"When you give up the weapon - which you did, to help me - you lose all memory of ever having had it. Ryuzaki was right about me, and he was right about you too. How do you think Mogi will feel about you if that comes out? I doubt he'll still be interested in pursuing any romantic attachment. You killed his colleague, after all."

Say something. She has to speak, she can't just sit here - Raito wouldn't make up such a stupid lie

Of course. Of _course_, all those things she can't remember about him - all those times Mochi talked about it _not being appropriate - _there was always something else -

"It's your choice," says Raito. "You can stay with him. He'll be found. I'll know that when it came to it, you chose him rather than me. He'll find out who you really are, he'll reject you, and then he'll die. Or you can tell me where you are, and who you're with. I'll come and find you. And you can help me build a new world, just like you always wanted."

And behind that, Misa fills in the blanks herself: _maybe, if you pick me, I'll love you. Maybe I'll love you back as much you always wanted. _

They both know there's no chance she'll turn that hope down. It's not like she can find it anywhere else. Not now.

It's almost peaceful, giving up like this.

"I'm... I'm in a love hotel," she says. "He's not with me. He's following the road, nearby."


	11. Crush

11 - Crush

Mogi thinks that in some ways, the cell's not dissimilar to a love hotel. Small room, closing you off from everyone else in the building, everything looks as if you've seen it somewhere before, and you know that when you're gone you'll forget what it was like within minutes.

But of course, it's extremely unlikely that he _will _be gone from here. Or, at least, that he'll be gone and still in a state to look back and remember. It's entirely likely that he's as good as dead and there is nothing he can do about it. The only reason he's not dead is because he hasn't been asked about, and so hasn't told, the location of the notebook. (He keeps trying to hope that the reason he's been left alone for so long - it must be at least a day - is because everything has actually gone to hell for Takada and her associates. It's a stupid hope, he knows. They're only leaving him alone so that when they finally do question him he'll be jumpy, and hungry, and disorientated.)

(And it can't be long now.)

He sits on the low, narrow bed. It's too low for him; he finds himself constantly shifting his feet to try and get comfortable. If they're watching him, they'll think it's nerves. Well, he is nervous. But the fear isn't agitating. It's still and it just sits there, like a bruise. He sits and he watches. By this point, he's hungry and tired enough that he catches himself thinking that things have changed when he looks back at somewhere he's glanced a thousand times. The walls are white, with a film of grime coating them. They seem thick. He can't hear much from outside, at any rate. A faint hum of footsteps and slamming doors, maybe. Or perhaps that's his mind filling in background noise, because it has to do something other than think about what's going to happen next. The light enclosed in a wire cage so that you can't touch it. They searched him for the notebook, of course, and then they took his belt and his tie and his shoelaces. Takada was there, out of place in the dingy rooms (this is presumably some regular jail, with space to spare since Kira came along, but he was blindfolded when they brought him in so he doesn't know). She stood, sunglasses perched at the end of her nose, face bored as if he were keeping her from a better engagement. She said nothing to him directly. If, later, if they - no, _when _they question him, will she be there? If there's violence, will she scream and laugh like Raito, or will she be blank and unaffected like Mikami, or -

It doesn't _matter, _it doesn't matter, it will all be an act anyway, just like with Misa -

He has been really, really trying not to think about Misa.

He walked for a while, picking his way through a tangle of weeds and brambles, but after a while he stopped. He assumed she must have made the call, be trying to catch up, and her stride would be shorter than his, so he waited. He tried not to think _about _her too much. About what it meant that she'd decided actually to lie for him. He tried to keep his mind on the sunlight and the chilly air, to enjoy being outside, to convince himself he was out for a walk by choice. He waited and then when she didn't appear he actually turned back. He was worried about her. He wanted to see if she was all right.

Takada's bodyguards appeared quite suddenly, three of them at different points in the undergrowth, guns levelled. Misa was nowhere to be seen, of course, but he realised then where she must be.

He is keeping his face implacable and it feels disturbingly like a mask, especially the more time passes. He's staying blank and still and trying not to ask himself any questions, not _how could you be so stupid _or _why didn't you expect her to do this _or _why did you fall for her act. _Because it was an act, wasn't it? She wanted to keep him with her so that she would have something to offer Raito, something to bargain with Takada for, and so she kissed him and got him to admit his feelings for her so that he'd be overwhelmed and wouldn't walk away. And the worst of it is that he was so sure he was maintaining some detachment, some sense and objectivity but now, when he considers that she meant none of it, it makes him feel so sick and stupid that he knows he fell headlong for her. The realisation is so humiliating that he can't really take it in - it just sits there, waiting to be noticed. At least that helps with putting a brave face on. Misa will tell them what happened, what she did, but she can't prove that it worked -

Someone is unlocking the door. Either he's more zoned out than he thought or the cell really is that thick-walled because he doesn't notice until the door is actually swinging open. It's more of Takada's bodyguard team, the men in the black suits. Which suggests that his imprisonment here is still unofficial. Or perhaps Raito just doesn't want anyone not affiliated with them asking Mogi questions about what he stole, or who Kira is, or anything else he might know of.

Maybe Takada will have revealed by now that one of the fugitives has been caught. Maybe that will tip off Ide and Aizawa and Matsuda to change the notebook's hiding place, if they can. He hasn't got anything on him that will give it away and he didn't tell Misa anything specific - did he? - so - so if all he needs to do is buy time - well, that's not so difficult. Time seems to be moving more slowly anyway, as it does when you haven't eaten for a while. As he stands up the air seems to lap around him like water, and when they put the handcuffs on it seems to happen too quickly, like he had no way to expect it.

Outside there's another man, in a different uniform, who unlocks the various doors they pass through and glances warily at Mogi every so often, probably curious about exactly what somebody could do to end up in this much trouble. Takada's bodyguards maintain a facade of impassivity. Mogi's been wondering who they are - ex-police officers, decent men believing they're doing a decent job; or crooks or thugs happy to be in a role that legitimizes shooting people; or just professionals who would guard anyone if the price was right. It's probably a stupid question at this point. By now, even if some of them are unsure about the lengths they're expected to go to, they can't very well back out, or object. Not if they want to remain alive.

(He would very much like to believe that Misa was scared too. Scared and tired; of hiding, of worrying for herself and Raito, and maybe under so much stress that she hadn't thought of what her actions would mean for Mogi, that she had just wanted her current situation to end. Sometimes he has even tried to convince himself that's the truth, that he was putting too much on her, that she can't be blamed. But he knows that's not giving her enough credit. She may get frightened, but she never gives up. Well, that's not quite correct. She never gives up if it's Raito she's protecting. Someone who really matters to her.)

Occasionally, they pass small windows. The sky outside is black. And then another door, a glass panel next to it, and through the glass he can see Raito seated at the desk, staring straight ahead. They gesture for him to walk inside, and they lock the door behind him; he sees them station themselves outside.

Raito looks up at him. Mogi tries to keep his face politely blank, or at least not let any dismay show on his face. Raito is wearing a clean pressed suit, a pale shirt and neatly arranged tie, but that only emphasises how different he looks in all other respects. His eyes are wide and sunken and his face seems sharpier, bonier, like he's lost weight. But it's not just that he looks drained. All the time Mogi has known Raito, the man has been controlled, polite - even when his feelings do show on his face there's always been the awareness of this, the sense that he's choosing to let you see his irritation or concern. Now, excitement and fury seem to pour out of him, unchecked enough that he's like a different person. The thought that all of this was there under the charming demeanour of Soichiro Yagami's perfect son makes Mogi feel tired and sick, and memories of Raito mingle with Misa smiling at him.

"You can sit down," Raito says at last, snapping out the words.

Mogi does so. The desk and chairs are bolted to the floor and the same colour as the walls; a nothing kind of grey. He rests his cuffed hands on his knees, and that makes him remember what happened last time they met. Raito's hands are below the table too. Still, maybe the injury, whatever stage it's at, explains some of the... sickliness in the way he looks.

A sudden crawling movement above him, and he glances up. Ryuk is clinging to the ceiling, spider-like. He notices Mogi looking; grins over his shoulder, winks. Mogi quickly glances forward again, at Raito. He still isn't comfortable with looking at the shinigami for too long.

"All right," Raito says, and breathes out, and as he does, a smile slides over his face. "I know you're quite capable of making me carry the conversation entirely, so I won't waste my breath on small talk. You see... I think you've actually already been outmanoeuvred. I'm assuming you haven't been in contact with Aizawa and the others recently?"

Mogi has frowned before he can stop himself. Oh god, if they've _all _been caught -

"We have an arrangement," Raito says, leaning back now, folding his arms - he still keeps the right hand below the level of the table. "They've given up, Mogi. They're going to hand over the notebook to me in four days' time." The smile is sharper. "Do stop me if this is something you already know, of course." Silence for a second. There's more of a hum of real life down here. Footsteps, voices, doors slamming. Raito laughs. "I didn't think so. I suppose you must despise them for giving up... for not being able to face down Kira. Although, seeing as we found you in a love hotel with my fiancee, perhaps your priorities have changed too..." And suddenly he's leaning forward, resting his arms on the desk: "How _did _you end up hiding out with her instead of them? Did you really tell them it was because she's better-looking and you wanted to achieve _one _of your ambitions before you die?" His eyes are very bright. There's a childishness about him - maybe just the way that he's so obviously fishing for a reaction. "Or did you convince them it was of relevance? _Amane needs to be guarded, Amane needs someone to keep an eye on her, Amane could be the Second Kira... _I can see them falling for that. You're hopeless, all of you."

This is all right. This doesn't matter, Raito isn't asking for anything but just amusing himself. But maybe there won't be any asking, if what he's saying is true. Maybe he just wants to gloat.

"Not that they won't have wondered, at least a little," Raito says. "They're not that stupid. At least, I don't think they are. Still, it seems a bit lax of them to let you go off and have fun while they risk their lives." He's watching now, unblinking. "Was it really worth it, Mogi? I would have thought it was more Matsuda's style to gamble everything for love. But perhaps you weren't thinking of it like that. Perhaps you just forgot you didn't need to be her bodyguard, her _manager. _Perhaps you were only trying to be a good man."

Mogi wonders what Misa has actually said. Maybe she arranged this with Raito all along; has been laughing at Mogi from the beginning as their plan works so well. He makes himself consider the idea, tell himself it doesn't matter. What _matters _is that Raito is going to have him killed and that it sounds like he has a plan to get to the rest of the task force too. It would be nice if his love life hadn't been dragged into the whole mess, but then whose fault is that?

"Oh, well," Raito says. "It doesn't matter now. You'll be able to explain to them everything that happened... very soon, I should imagine."

_Don't rise to it, _Mogi tells himself, _there's no reason to believe anything he says. _Raito could well be wanting to rattle him enough to shake information out of him. And he is almost sure that he can remain silent and self-assured, but he thought he'd be able to keep his relationship with Misa professional, appropriate, that he would be clear-sighted enough _not _to fall for such an old trick as a beautiful woman fluttering her eyelashes at him, and suddenly he doesn't have so much faith in his usual tactics. So even though it feels like a deliberate mistake, like throwing the game, he says, "Are you all right?" Just throw something out there, anything, that might derail the conversation -

Above them, Ryuk snorts. Raito frowns: "What? What is that supposed to mean?"

"I was asking after your health." He sounds tired, hesitant - but then, there's no point in putting on an act. "After what happened the last time I saw you -"

"_How dare you -_" and Raito is dead white suddenly, is standing up, eyes burning pale. "Do you really think that will do you any good? You think that means you _won, _back there?" Mogi opens his mouth to answer, but Raito carries on, "You've lost, are you so stupid you haven't worked that out? You're not going to leave here alive. You'll die for opposing Kira and you'll die knowing you've _wasted _the last five years and then you ruined everything because you couldn't keep your mind off some brainless blonde. Do you _understand that_?"

By this point, Mogi has managed to work out what has happened to Raito's right hand. He nods, carefully, trying not to stare at the space where it should be.

"Thank you," Raito says, exasperated, like he's a manager dealing with a stroppy desk clerk. "I won't hold this incident against you. Someone will bring food to you, at some point. And I'll keep you informed as to progress. I shouldn't think you'll mind the wait, you always were ridiculously patient, weren't you?" He doesn't wait for an answer; stalks to the door, unlocks it - awkwardly, left-handed. His eyes are still glinting. All in all, he looks as about unsettled and shaken as Mogi feels. Not that that's any comfort.

ooo

_Kira punishes those who deserve it... but he spares those who show they're loyal... who repent..._

The words hung around in Matsuda's head all day, like a secret code or a password or a joke only he could get. It kind of helped, really, it meant he had something else to think about other than... everything else. Only now the thinking hasn't stopped and so at three a.m. he's sitting by the portable heater with a blanket wrapped round his shoulders, holding his hands to the warmth, trying not to breathe in too much the smell of burnt dust, and going over the words again and again.

There could be a way out. He's been trying really hard to accept that there won't be. That he did something bad and when this is all over he'll face up to that and if they arrest him and convict him for it then he will take whatever punishment they give him and if that leaves him dead then that's the way the world works, right? Or rather, that's the way they want it to work, him and the others, risking their lives and their families' lives and everything to put the world back to what it was before. He has been trying to think of it just like that, like he's being brave and good and noble, and okay, it won't be _fun _but no one said doing the right thing had to be fun.

But now, in the dark when no one can see the thoughts, he lets himself think about what it'll _really _be like. If he even survives, he'll be in jail for life; his dad will probably _disown _him, (like, _I actually tried to help you, I actually thought you needed supporting and you just went ahead and screwed it up - well, forget it, that's the last time you're getting anything from me_) a large proportion of the world will hate him both for being a murderer and for being against Kira and - and there'll be thousands and thousands of criminals who _don't _suffer, who don't get caught, who just go on hurting and killing and don't give a damn while someone like Matsuda who's so sorry gets punished because he's too stupid and too naive not to run away.

And everyone can tell him Kira's evil and Raito lied to them and the Chief would want them to keep fighting but - but -

The Chief wouldn't want them to be hanging out with Mello. With the guy who killed him and destroyed Sayu's life and got away with all of it. Will continue to get away with it while Matsuda gets in trouble for something that was almost an accident, certainly wasn't coldly premediated like what Mello did, and Mello doesn't feel bad at all, you can _see_ -

And what the hell would any of the others do, if it were them? They all act so sure of themselves - they wouldn't be all _I'm so sorry, I plead guilty, _they'd be all _it was justified, I did what I had to do. _Which is what always pissed Matsuda off. Which is what Kira stood against. And Matsuda _knows _Raito lied, to them and to his dad, and lied and kept on lying but - _maybe he's sorry - if he could help - I don't want to hate him, I just - _it all went to hell the moment he shot Raito's hand and it's just been getting worse and worse and - what if this is an out? What if the world's giving him a break and he's just too stupid to notice?

The thought is scary but at least the idea of _doing _something - the idea of hope -

And all at once he's snatched the phone that Mello has, the untraceable one, off the table and he's huddling up in the blanket dialling Raito's number because he has to know. If this is all in his head then fine, but he has to know - if there _is _a choice - he's not going to take it but - just to know -

On the other end of the line, a phone is ringing.

Oh god. Oh _god, _this is insane, what the hell does he even think he's doing? Probably Raito won't answer, it's three a.m. after all, or if he does - Matsuda almost bursts out laughing - he'll be all _look, I know we're worst enemies but can't you carry on our vendetta in the morning? _And even if he is willing to talk, what the hell will Matsuda say to him? _You said - you said you could help - _

_I want you to help - _

He's just wrenching the phone away from his ear to cut the call when the buzzing opens up into Raito's voice, quiet, wary: "Hello?"

Matsuda finds all the air sticking in his lungs again and he takes a deep shaky breath and then, remembering he's surrounded by people who will not be impressed if they find him calling Kira for no reason, whispers, "It's me. Matsuda, I mean. I wasn't going to call you."

"Well, you seem to have managed it." The edge of amusement in Raito's voice, and if you only half-listen you can pretend it's the kind laughter Matsuda remembers him having. Of course, it probably wasn't ever kind really. "It's a bit late, though, isn't it? What's worrying you so much you couldn't wait until morning?"

_You know. You know what - _and Raito carries on, "Or did you not want anyone else to hear you making this call?"

"I haven't -" Matsuda finds himself whispering so quietly he can hardly hear it - "I'm not going to - to say anything I wouldn't..." His voice trails off again - it's a lie and they both know it's a lie. He's sitting here talking to _Kira, _he just called Raito for a _chat - _at the very least they'd accuse him of being irresponsible, of risking giving something away - but he doesn't _care, _he doesn't care, he has to know -

"What you said," he says, the words so quiet he almost can't feel himself speaking them, "about... about Kira sparing those who are loyal..."

"Oh, yes."

"It... it's a lie," Matsuda swallows, "Right? Kira doesn't... doesn't work that way. Once you've committed a crime, that's it, you're guilty, you're dead. You only want perfect people in your _new world._"

"You know perfectly well that's not true. I've spared criminals who showed repentance, haven't I? Or those with mitigating circumstances. Don't make yourself out to be stupider than you are. What you want to know..." and Raito's voice softens a bit - "is whether you could be one of the people spared. You're just curious, aren't you?"

Matsuda doesn't answer. His heart is pounding, and the hand gripping the phone is clammy.

"Just curious. It's nothing to do with your current situation," Raito says, and he laughs. "You couldn't bear to hear me spell it out, could you? That's why you hung up." He's jeering now, but there's almost something comforting in the way he's trying to point-score like this. And Matsuda _did _hang up on him. "Well, you've called at an unsociable hour, so why don't you do me the courtesy of listening this time? It sounds to me that you're fighting to reinstate the police and the courts as the sole arbiter of justice. So that means you'll be happy to submit yourself to that justice system, unless you're even more of a hypocrite than I thought."

Matsuda's already wishing he hadn't started this, wondering if he does dare hang up again, but that will be cowardly and he's not _scared, _it's just Raito talking, it's just, it's just that everything he's saying is true.

"They'll put you on trial for murder." Raito's voice is sharp, forceful, like he's tired of having to keep explaining this. "It's an easy conviction, after all. Of course you might avoid the death penalty. They might agree that you were under stress. Although a prosecutor will suggest that you compounded the issue by fleeing, that you'd already been accustomed to acting outside the law. You were in love with the idea of yourself as a vigilante, someone acting under the authority of the great L and nothing else. So I sincerely doubt that they won't lock you up for quite a long time. Trying your hardest to be liked won't do you much good in jail. Nor, I imagine, will being linked with both Kira and the police. I'd certainly submit that the rest of your life won't be worth living, which seems a shame considering how many times you've already risked it."

Breathe in. Breathe out. He tries not to make it obvious how hard that suddenly feels; holds his free hand closer to the heating unit. Like he's kidding himself if you can warm your fingers, if you have that tiny comfort, then everything's going to be all right really.

"Of course... this is all moot." Raito's smiling again, you can hear it in his voice. "You and the others have agreed to give me back my property. You're backing down against Kira."

"We..."

"That's right, isn't it?"

"Yes!" His voice has risen, and hastily he drags it down to an aching whisper. "Yes. That... that's right. So... there's not really any point in..."

"What? Carrying on pretending that you're willing to put your life on the line to catch Kira? No, I would agree with you there."

Matsuda stays quiet. Slow breathing. He's not going to ask Raito for anything. He's not, that's not why he did this, he just - he -

"Noble sacrifice doesn't feel as good as you expected, does it?" Raito whispers, and the suddenness of it is like he's standing in the room, mouth close to Matsuda's ear. "I know what you want me to say. You want me to tell you that if you prove you're loyal to Kira - and I think you are, you know - I think what you did to me at the Yellow Box Warehouse was you losing your temper, acting like a child who can't understand why they can't know _everything, all the time..._" He draws a shaky breath. "If you prove that was a mistake, if you make it up to me, if you show you're sorry, then when Kira's new world comes into being, you'll be safe in it. I'll forget everything you've done and give you a new start. That's what you want, isn't it, Matsuda? You want me to sort everything out. Just like you wanted my father to."

_Tell him no - tell him that's not it - _

"You wouldn't..." He's shaking. Every word tastes bad. "You wouldn't do that."

"If you trust Aizawa and Ide more than you trust me, that's not my problem. I don't know quite what they might have done to inspire such loyalty in you, but if you think they're worth your faith, then by all means offer it to them."

"Stop lying!" He just manages to hiss rather than yell it. "You would have killed me - I mean - Mikami would have, if -"

"Because I had no reason to believe you were going to offer me support." Raito's voice is cold now. "If I'm being expected to pardon a murderer, it has to be in return for a clear demonstration that he has turned to Kira's side. And if it comes to it, why should I trust you? After your emotive little speech about how you could sympathise with Kira... forgive me if I expected some understanding from you as opposed to an attempt on my life."

Matsuda wants to hang up, but the thought of leaving the conversation on this note, feeling if anything like Raito hates him even more -

"It's not like there's anything I could give you anyway," he says. "We... you know what we're going to do. We're going to... to give you the notebook."

"Are you?"

How can Raito sound so awake? How can he sound so much like he knows everything already? "Yeah. We are. If... if they're planning anything else, I don't know about it. Why would they tell me?"

"You're talking about nothing," Raito says. "If you feel like there's anything you want to tell me, you can call back. Take your time. Think about it. Goodnight, Matsuda."

The phone goes dead.

Matsuda is left with the empty room, filled with just the sounds of other people breathing and the clank and hum of the heater. Everything sounds exactly the same as it did before but he feels cold and sick and - tired, now, there's no longer any hope, any sense that he's got a way out. Because now he knows he does, and so if he wants to survive he's going to have to... to -

He lays the phone back down on the table, moving slowly, his hands shaking, and then he crawls back to his futon and wraps himself up in blankets. He still doesn't sleep, but he dozes, a flat, black daze where the realisation of how he could save himself sits on his chest. In the end, he falls into dreams where he has made a choice, but he can't remember how it works out.

ooo

Sometimes Mikami thinks that he cannot go on like this, that he's going to have to die because you can't feel this horrified and survive it. (Oh, there were things that the evil ones did, yes, but at least then he knew that _he _was still right, at least he knew he was only being punished for trying to be good.) Now -

- but yet it is different, sometimes he can lie against the cold wall and put his hand on it and feel chill and damp inside like the building is dying. And sometimes that is all there is, him and the dark and the damp and it is like he's been drowned and floats there and he doesn't care, he realises, life has gone on too long and he doesn't care any more.

But mostly he does. Care, that is. He _promised _he _said _he wouldn't but he finds himself clawing at the walls anyway, or at the insides of his wrists, and God said - God said. No more writing names, but that makes no sense, surely, if it is the evil ones whose names you're writing, he doesn't know how it works but writing the names of vermin in blood on a cold concrete wall feels like it _should _do something. He feels fifteen again.

God said. God says. God (it _must _be, the contempt in God's voice - for someone to hate Mikami that much either they are an evil one or they are God and if they are evil, then Mikami has damned himself already -) (And it makes it better, doesn't it? His earlier sin? For God to offer friendship - you shouldn't be able to resist that, you should yearn for it -)

God comes to talk to him, brings him blankets, takes him to a bathroom and lets him wash the blood and dirt off. It doesn't help, of course, the sinks are dusty and cobwebs lance across the tiles like something flying, but he's been filthy for so long now, like after a while, if someone is kicking you, you almost get used to it. The blood numbs the cuts. The blood? The water, of course it's water, he can't make mistakes like that, not while God is watching -

He's made so _many - _

"Don't," God is saying, "come on, Mikami-san, it's all right, just stay calm -"

Those are the bad times, when he is out of the dark little room and he can see where he is, and who he is, and all that he's done. In those times he sees it all, he understands, and it feels like it's about to rip him in two, but then often when he is back in the dark he goes to sleep and when he wakes up, he's forgotten again. That would make sense. It isn't clear how his memories of being judgement have been so perfectly sealed off, but you might expect there to be side-effects. Sealed off and the neurones containing them burnt out. There was writing names and he went to that warehouse for a reason and there was the man with the red hair who wasn't scared, Mikami _knows _this, he's been _through _this, there were names and ink on his hands afterwards and then the choking pain as he thrust the pen up into his throat -

He finds himself clutching at his head, pulling at his hair, or trying to crack open his skull and let in the light, there is some light, far up in the corner. And pick through the mess of blood and brain and splinters of bone and there would be the memories, glinting like gold. God has told him this cannot happen. God sits with him, often, pale and tired and worried as if he isn't who Mikami knows he is, as if he can't do anything to stop whatever he wants -

- what if he isn't? -

and says, "You can't get the memories back. You can't ever get them back. But... you can make new ones. You understand? If you help us... those memories will be just as good."

_I want to help, _Mikami tries to explain, but he isn't sure how he can. Everything has gone wrong. He is falling apart in front of God. Before it was different, he was organised and clean and tidy and smart. (No one had to know about what happened at school, before, about the mud and the blood and everything else. Now they can all see.) (But God knows anyway, doesn't he? Mikami had told him -) (God knew _anyway _because God knows all -)

"It's okay," God says, but for once he doesn't sound like he believes it, he sounds numb and tired, and Mikami is scared. God cleans the latest round of wounds, icy sharp antiseptic and clean dressings. "You have to stop doing this," he says. "Seriously. I want you to take care of yourself, you understand?" _There's no point in getting yourself hurt like this, so just stop. _

His mother had pretended she wanted to help him when really all she had wanted to do was lead him into sin. He doesn't like thinking about that much. It makes him wonder, the child of a sinful one has no hope not to be sinful himself. He is wondering that now, he is wondering if that's where it went wrong. Tainted blood -

A _lot _of blood. Because he would rather think about that, about his own filthiness than about God proving to be fake, again. Like mask after mask being pulled off and what if there isn't anything behind it? He shouldn't even have thought that, but he has. What if there isn't any reason for it, all the suffering. What if there isn't anyone expecting you to do your best, anyone who will recognise how much it hurt?

God talks to him, asks him to promise that he'll help, that he'll renounce Kira. And talks to him about other things, tells him it'll be all right, what it's like outside and how cold and damp it was today, that he was walking in the woods, does Mikami know that area? Takes tentative steps along a path of the past, of parents and books and university and favourite foods. Mikami can't decide whether it is wondrous that finally someone is talking to him like they're his friend or horrible because he shouldn't even imagine such familiarity with God. But if the latter is true, it doesn't matter, because he huddles into his musty blanket and listens and talks anyway.

And it feels like the more time that God spends with him and the more he pledges his allegiance, the more it feels like the rock he's holding onto is crumbling away underneath him, and below him there are black depths waiting where the pressure crushes you and you no longer need eyes.

But then, before he can discover whether the feeling has any truth in it, God is gone.

It is morning again, and he has slept, huddled in the corner, the cold biting at his fingers and toes. God had come to see him at the same time every day, had shown his watch to prove this. It had been good, to hear the rattle of the door and know it was eight a.m. But today he is awake and outside he can hear footsteps but no one comes, and there is no way eight o'clock can last this long.

The door opens.

There is no God. Instead, standing there is the leader. Mello. Even as Mikami's heart kicks at his chest, there is resignation under it. He had always known, deep down, that this enemy would come back to face him.

So he doesn't ask what's going on. He presses back against the wall and watches and waits. He is used to pain. The cuts on his arms itch.

"Sleep well?" Mello says. He doesn't move. He stands with his hands in his pockets, the light behind him.

Mikami doesn't want to answer, but he knows how this goes. They want you to say something and they won't give up until you do. "Yes." He keeps his voice low, flat. So it proves it. When he was with God he was being weak. When he has to, he can control himself.

"Don't you want to know where your god is?" Mello says, softly.

"It is his choice whether he comes to me or not." Mikami doesn't know if he believes that or if he's just speaking echoes from his mind. It doesn't matter. Mello laughs: "Not any more, it isn't."

"You can't stop him -" Mikami has blurted it out before he can think. God was helping him, he can see that now, because no matter how scared he was then it is nothing to how he feels facing the possibility he might be truly alone. Mello snorts. "Oh, I'm not the one who stopped him. The fever did that all on its own."

Mikami wasn't prepared for that. He was expecting Mello to tell him that God has rejected him, or has been sent away. But not this.

"That got you, huh?" Mello's voice is bored. That scares Mikami more. Usually the evil ones enjoy what they do, you can hear the relish in their voices. Not that Mello doesn't sound pleased with himself, but more than that, he sounds as if he doesn't much care either way. "Sucks to be you, I guess."

"Is... what will happen to him?"

Mello shrugs. "We'll feed him aspirin until he gets over this or until he doesn't." Still the boredom and suddenly Mikami is so furious it's like needles under his skin, people like this, people like _this_ who never care, who never try, their fault, and people like him have to care twice as much more -

"You have to help him," he says, cutting off something else Mello was about to say. "Do you understand? You can't sit back and let him die, not this time, it -" He was going to carry on, he was realising then that he believes, that God is God and God is good and - but Mello takes a step forward and hits him hard round the face. The shock of it makes his heart kick against his ribs and it's that which stops him fighting back, reminds him if he does he'll die -

"Don't give me orders," Mello snaps. "You think I wanted him sick? I needed his experience of sneaking into places and pinching stuff from under people's noses. But hey, if it gets it through your lunatic mind that he's not your god then that's fine with me."

"Why... why do you care what I believe? You always will be godless, you don't need -"

The gun levels itself at his forehead before he can think, a circle of shadow swallowing up the world.

"Let me think," Mello whispers. "Kira and his crazy followers killed the person I was going to grow up to be, the only friend I had, and the guy _I_ was supposed to be the one to defeat." The words are like the strike of a match in the dark and at the same time there's the click of the safety catch on the gun, the sounds louder than Mikami's own gasps for air and he shouldn't fear death, he knows this, he is glad to die for God but when you're like this it's all just words, you can say all you want but that won't change a thing when the bullet rips through your brain -

"You ever think about what it was like for the people you killed?" Mello says. "By now all the criminals will know it's coming. Did that even enter your mind?"

Mikami thinks _at least this will end it _and then thinks _I can't die now, not like this, not unredeemed _and then he isn't thinking anything because the gun swings up and _fires -_

The shot echoes and echoes and Mikami wonders if that's death, reliving the moment over and over again, and the flash of it blinding his eyes, but then Mello lowers the gun, and chuckles. "Gotcha."

Bullet wound. Bullet wound in the wall. Still echoes. Mikami breathes and breathes again and it hurts to do so.

"I might come back and finish you off later," Mello says. "I might not. Justice is a bitch, isn't it?"

Mikami wants to say something. He wants to curse this sinner for daring even to use the word _justice. _He wants to say that he doesn't fear him because no matter what happens to God's body the spirit will endure, the deity will always be with them. But he thinks Mello might pick up on hesitation, uncertainty, and so he stays silent, knowing as he does that he has just proved he does not deserve redemption.

ooo

Matsuda has to wonder how Raito kept up the lie for so long. Going around pretending everything is normal and you don't have anything you need to tell anyone, when all the time there's this stuff weighing you down and you feel like someone's bound to work it out and you just want to yell the truth because you're so tired of constantly faking. Perhaps Raito got used to it. It would have helped that he'd been, you know, convinced of what he was doing; it would've made it more like you were a secret agent. Matsuda may be stupid, but he's not dumb enough that he can pretend what he's thinking of is anything other than getting everyone else killed to save his own skin.

He was going to keep away from everyone and just hide somewhere until he stopped thinking like this, until he had talked himself back into being sensible. But then he found himself wandering back into the room where they slept and it was empty except for Gevanni, who looked like he was worrying about something else anyway, and it was like the world was conspiring to make things easy for him. He told Gevanni how he wanted to talk to his father. Apologise for what he'd done. And Gevanni looked at him sympathetically and then he was just like _I reckon he'd like that, he must be worried sick about you _and just let Matsuda pick up the phone and walk away, didn't even gaze after him.

And now he's found his way to the empty loading bay, where there aren't so many boarded-up windows at least. He's sitting up on the walkway that runs round the top of it, and -

This shouldn't be a difficult choice. It shouldn't even _be_ a choice. Raito has asked him to turn traitor. Matsuda pretty much said he wasn't going to. The end. Except. Except it's not, because he's clutching the phone in one hand and as long as he keeps gripping it he can kid himself _maybe there's a way out - maybe I don't have to die - _If he just called, just said where they were, _don't think about what would happen next_, but the search would be called off and Raito could help him, if he wanted -

He feels dizzy and sick and he knows he could give into that, focus on how disorientated he is and accidentally-on-purpose dial a number without really knowing what he's doing. Actually just to do _something_ to break the deadlock, that's what he wants. To make a call, or to - to hurl the thing away from him, stamp on it, although perhaps even that wouldn't work, Mello probably has other phones and he'd still be facing everything he's facing, right?

_Just something - just do something - just stop being such a coward -_

What the hell is the _point _of opposing Kira? He's tried for five years and all that's happened is so many people have died.

_There's nothing left - there's nothing left - _

And all at once, chilly-fingered, he is scrolling through the call history to find Raito's number and then pressing _Call _and not thinking, not thinking about any of it, he's going to die anyway, all they're doing is hurting people - and then, suddenly, _what am I doing, _and he's about to end the call but just as he does, Raito answering, and Matsuda's mouth goes dry and he can't speak -

"Matsuda?" Raito says, softly.

It's like something's sitting on his chest. He tries to fight against it, tries to get some air in his lungs, and then he manages to say, "I'm - I'm sorry -"

"It's all right," Raito says. He sounds so calm and reassuring and Matsuda hates himself for buying into it but this is what he wanted, isn't it? "It's all right. Can you tell me where you are right now?"

"I... we're..." His mouth won't move. This - they will _hate _him -

"You're doing the right thing," Raito says. "You're going to make the world a better place... that's what you always wanted, isn't it? Just tell me where you are." His voice hardens a little on the last sentence. Like he's getting impatient. And of course he is. Matsuda is pretending he's going to help and staying sitting on the fence anyway, you can't keep a foot in both camps, in the end you have to choose -

"I don't know exactly where we are," he says. "In... in an industrial estate somewhere. Back in Tokyo, I mean."

"And what are you going to do next? Do you know?"

"I... I can't... Raito, I _can't..._"

Matsuda doesn't know whether he would've got up the guts to explain the plan because all at once the air is full of the sound of running footsteps and someone is dashing up the steps and before he can hide the phone, hide _himself, _do anything to look less guilty, Ide has reached the walkway and is charging down it towards him and wrenches the phone out of his hand. Matsuda is scrambling backwards even as Ide stares at the screen, which, of course, has Raito's mobile number blazoned across it plus the _currently connected _signal -

The next second Ide has cut the call and for a moment he actually makes a move like he's going to smash the phone before he realises the line was safe. Matsuda gets a glimpse of his face now - dead white, sick with horror, mirroring his own feelings, and he starts stammering something, something like _I'm so sorry - _

"You - you _idiot,_" Ide hisses. "How could you be so stupid?" He takes a deep breath, and, swallowing, says, "All right. I'd ask you how much you told him but clearly you've got no problem with bare-faced lying when it suits you -"

"I didn't - I just said we were back in Tokyo in some -"

"Yeah, I heard that bit. What about before I walked in? How many times have you called him?"

"Just... just this time and... and a few days ago..." Matsuda can hardly speak, he thinks he might actually throw up, but he swallows and digs his nails into his hands, _you should have expected this, you knew they'd hate you, you __**knew**__ - _"But that time was... was on this phone too, so... I didn't... I didn't say anything to him then... I swear -"

"Don't bother swearing to _me,_" Ide snaps. "We're going back down there and we're going to find Mello and you're going to answer the question in front of him."

The knowledge of what that will mean slams Matsuda so hard in the chest that for a moment it knocks out all of the other feelings and he's actually calm.

"He'll kill me," he says, and he actually sounds like it's funny, like, _huh, well would you look at that. _

"You -" Ide swallows again. "You should have thought of that before you tried to get the rest of us killed, don't you think?"

"I wasn't trying -"

"No, don't play dumb with me this time!" Ide yells. "Because of you, Raito was going to find us, find the notebook, and then wipe us all out. Okay? Do you get that, Matsuda? Did you actually fucking think about what you were doing? Or, god, I don't know, was this some kind of clever plan you came up with to entrap Kira? Because if you've got anything that makes this look slightly less worse than it currently does, you'd better spit it out!"

Matsuda wishes so much he had anything he could say other than _I was scared, I panicked, I didn't want to die. _He grits his teeth, because he can feel tears crawling up his throat, and what did he expect - what did he think would happen if he got caught - why was he so stupid as to do this somewhere where he could be heard anyway? He grits his teeth and wraps his arms round himself, trying desperately to keep a grip on himself, have some dignity, be _brave - _

"You must have something," Ide says, more quietly. "I know you act without thinking but - come on, you - you must have _some _reason..."

Matsuda stares at the floor, at the patches of lichen dotted all over the metal. It's like he can still feel the weight of the phone in his hand. It's a weird-looking one, nothing like his own. He'd bought it - his phone - not long after Kira had shown up. He'd wanted something a bit more grown-up, a little less obviously bought for the games and cool design. He keeps his eyes on a particular patch of rust, one that's slightly triangular, and tries to kid himself it's really interesting as he says, "I was scared about... about what would happen after. If we... if Kira got... if Kira disappeared. They'd... they'd arrest me. For what happened to Sato-san. Raito said... he talked like if I... if I made it up to him, he'd help me... you know, Kira forgives... I thought it was a way out."

"That would result in seven other people being murdered."

"I didn't... that's not what I wanted..."

"It clearly didn't _bother _you that much or you wouldn't have made the call in the first place!"

"I didn't... there wasn't anything else..."

Silence for a few seconds, then Ide shakes him roughly by the shoulder. "Get up. We need to get moving."

Matsuda tries to think, to get his thoughts in the necessary frame of mind to remember how to walk and then to get up the guts to face Mello and impending death without going to pieces completely. His body feels too far away though, like he's forgotten how to make it work.

"Don't - look, explain why the hell I should feel bad about this when you were happy to have _me _killed? Besides, we have to get out of here before Raito finds us, which I don't doubt he's going to do any minute!" Ide actually hauls Matsuda up by the arm. He's shaking, Matsuda can feel it. _I could beg him - I could try and explain - _but there's no way, Ide would have to explain to Mello why they have to go, and Mello's smart, he'd probably guess what had happened - maybe it's better this way, like no one else will have to know what he did, Mello will just shoot him here and then that's it, it will be over, and the task force will hate him but they'll be the only ones witness to this latest bit of uselessness -

They're just making their way down the steps when they see Mello at the entrance to the loading bay.

"What the fuck are you two doing in here?" he says. "We need to get moving."

They both stop and Ide says, stupidly, "Moving?"

"Yeah." Mello grins. "Mikami's gone AWOL. If it all works out as it's meant to - which I think it's going to - Kira will have this location by the end of the evening if he doesn't already. So let's get a move on." He's already turning away. "If you've got any personal effects you want to grab, then you've got two minutes; otherwise, let's get out to the van." He glances back at them. "Why are you both looking at me like that? You knew this was coming. And what have you got the phone for, anyway?"

Ide takes a breath and the moment stretches and stretches and - _just do it, _Matsuda thinks, _just get it over with - _and oh god, he's terrified -

"Matsuda was calling his family," Ide says. "It... didn't go well. That's all."

"Well, when you've got over all the fucking emotional trauma, perhaps you'd like to join the rest of us," Mello says, grabbing the phone back.

"Right," Ide says. He's walking forward, keeping a grip on Matsuda's arm, but it feels different now, less like he's making an arrest and more like he needs someone to hold on to. Matsuda wants to thank him or, or something but he doesn't know how to start, he doesn't know how he can hope to say anything to Ide ever again.

As they reach the door Ide whispers, "This is not over. Don't think you've got away with it, and I swear to god if you do anything else -"

"I won't - I promise -" He even sounds like he's lying now. Still, it's not like he can trust himself any more, is it? If you'd asked him the week before all this happened if he'd ever do something so awful, he'd have laughed in your face. He wants to explain to Ide that he knows this isn't enough, but Mello has stopped, is looking round at them again with that thin smile on his face. "Oh, yeah," he says, "you might want to leave Gevanni alone for a bit. Getting Mikami out involved airing a few family secrets."

ooo

Gevanni had told himself he was going to keep away from Mikami completely once Mello's persecution campaign started. There's no sense in making yourself needlessly upset when things just have to be done. He tells and tells himself that, but it's kind of tricky not to dwell on things once the two tasks you were given - making a rough fascimile of a murder notebook, and talking your former travelling companion out of killing himself - are both over and done with.

And it's not like he can go home and chill out. He's waiting, he needs something to do. He's one of only eight people in the world opposing Kira, so why is he at such a loose end? Wandering the building helps, he can kid himself he's got an objective, and seeing as he's currently limping it takes him a while to get anywhere. Just sitting and resting and waiting reminds him too much of other things. Or he keeps thinking about how smug Mello looks at the moment, how every time he sees the guy it seems like Mello's got another anecdote about how he made Mikami cry today. Gevanni's pretty sure Mello's only trying to get to him - as payback for the crack about revenge and justice earlier, probably - but it doesn't make all the waiting any easier.

But okay, when he saw Mello heading along the corridor to where Mikami's being held with a jaunty smile on his face, _okay, _following him from a distance was probably asking for trouble. He should've stayed well away. But he saw Hal glance after Mello, saw the concern on her face, and - he thought, _she knows it's going to go bad, he tells her stuff he doesn't tell me - she knows it's getting really bad -_

The wall is cold and rough. Gevanni leans against it and resists the urge to drum his fingers. He can hear Mello and Mikami from further down the corridor. Mello's voice is low, sharp, mocking; Mikami is silent except for the odd whimper or whispered prayer. Gevanni's just about to make himself walk away and stop looking for things to get mad at when he hears Mikami screaming.

He's halfway down the corridor before he can even think and then he's close enough to make out what's being said.

"What, you don't believe me?" Mello's saying. "Why the hell would I make up something like that? I bet he wasn't happy talking about his family to you."

_No. He wouldn't - he - _the air is cold and bright and Gevanni feels like he's going to collapse - he realises he's clutching the wall, and that his fingers are pressed against it so hard that it hurts. Mello is still speaking: "He wasn't, was he? Did he actually tell you she was dead? He clearly didn't tell you why. No wonder he's abandoned you now."

"No. _No!" _Mikami's voice is hoarse. "_I never knew! God forgive me I never knew what had been done -"_

"Too late," Mello says. "Isn't that the way you lot work? Once you've fucked up then that's it, there's no get-out clause, no mercy. Why are you surprised it's the same with your god? Kira murdered Gevanni's sister back in 2009. She was in jail, of course, she was serving her sentence and by all accounts she was a model prisoner, but I guess that didn't count for much. She had two kids, as well -"

Gevanni has stumbled forward and shoved the door open just because he wants to choke the life out of Mello or at least make him _shut up, _but then he's standing in the doorway and they're both staring at him - Mello looking bored and faintly irritated; Mikami with his face in his hands, eyes glinting between his fingers.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Mello says.

"I heard... I heard you talking."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to eavesdrop?"

Gevanni takes a deep breath. "You were discussing me." Each word is yanked out of him, slowly, ruthlessly. "And my family, I believe?"

A sigh. "Yeah, as it happens I was. It's not like it isn't relevant, right?" That sudden smirk. "Hell, I don't understand why you weren't up for beating the shit out of Mikami yourself -"

"Shut up -" and Gevanni is trying to stay calm but he can feel his hands curled into fists and like someone is trying to shake him off-balance and - (get a grip - this isn't anything you didn't know about - don't fucking rise to it -)

"Don't give me orders." Mello glares at him now. "You've not exactly got a leg to stand on. Could it be possibly be you got into this case because you were trying to save your sister? Thanks for keeping that back."

"You didn't need to know about it -"

"What, you were feeling bad you didn't manage to find Kira in time? Yeah, join the club. What makes your loss more special than anyone else's, exactly? Or was it just you didn't want us to know that's why you were so keen to hang onto Mikami? Oh, don't play dumb - it's obvious you felt bad about letting big sis down and so you were all _I'll do it perfectly, I won't let anyone else get away -_"

If it had been anyone else but Mello, Gevanni would probably have just taken a swing at them - hell, if Mikami hadn't been cowering at the back of the room, filthy and shaking and even now whispering prayers and apologies, he might just have walked away, he doesn't go _looking _for fights - but it _is _Mello and there's no way Gevanni can walk away from this now and it serves him fucking right for going along with the plan to begin with -

Whatever, he's pulled out his gun and he's levelling it at Mello's face and (seriously, stop, get a grip, this is out of control) he doesn't _care - _

"I thought I told you to shut up," he says.

"Not many people manage to make me do that." Mello stares at him, eyes dead, all of him perfectly still. "Got to say, I didn't have you down as the type for cold-blooded murder. Ironic, really, isn't it?"

"I'm not... I'm just trying to make you listen." Careful, each word placed, except that he has no fucking clue where he's going with any of them, and he remembers Near, picking up matchstick after matchstick - or those dice, falling everywhere, white and rattling like teeth -

- he'd not believed it, he'd not seen her for a month or so before he left for the Kira case and then, and then he was back in his room sitting on a bed that wasn't his and staring round a room that was so unlike home it was almost funny and thinking _why am I here, why did I come here, _because his brain was trying to kid him if he left now, got a last-minute flight, he could get back and stop it - like he'd been decoyed into coming over here, and it was him being here that was making them tell him this bullshit about her being dead -

"Okay, I'm listening. What do you want to say?" Mello spreads his hands apart, mocking. "Other than _shut up_? Clearly you're too repressed to go all-out for some old-fashioned revenge, so you should be glad I'm doing it for you. Put the fucking gun down and grow up."

"I would... I would understand," Mikami says, his voice rasping. "For you to judge us both is your right, I... I would not... your decision is righteous and... it is only fitting I die by your hand but - but please, tell me you hear my repentence, please listen to me -"

"I'm not going to kill you." Gevanni hears his voice calm and kind like it's a different person altogether. "I'm not going to kill you, and Mello isn't going to hurt you any more. You - you had nothing to do with - with what we're talking about." God, even those words stick in his throat. "It's going to be all right."

"I swear I will actually die laughing if you shoot me now and let him go," Mello says. His voice is tensed, furious, but the look on his face is oddly expectant, a gleeful smile like he expected all of this. "So damn holier-than-thou most of the time and then you snap and become a raving Kira fanatic. I mean it's like a sitcom. Or, what, you're just going to make me promise not to be mean to the poor little mass murderer any more? Hey, I think we all know the legality of a promise extracted under duress. I mean, I'm sure Mikami can advise us if there's any doubt -"

"I don't - I'm not looking to kill anyone. I told you." What the hell _does _he want? For this to stop - for them both to get out of his face and - no, he doesn't want space to think, he wants space _not _to think - he should get out of here, get himself and Mello away and then, then put down the gun for god's sake and stop acting like a lunatic and -

And what, head out and have Mello explain to the others what happened - what went on and - how _dare _this smug bastard not only use Louise's death as a way of playing mind games but then force Gevanni into admitting all that happened -

"Then you'll put the gun down," Mello says. "You can't have it both ways." A cool step forward. "Although you're right to be scared about what the fuck I'm going to do to you once this is over." And once again his voice is low and fierce but his face is calm, like nothing's wrong - "Or is it him you're worried about? Having him around clearly isn't helping _your _loyalty. Maybe you should just kill him." Another step forward. "If you don't, I will."

And for one moment Gevanni buys into all of it - _you sadistic bastard, that's what you wanted all along, have his god execute him - you make me sick - _before his brain reminds him _no, we need Mikami alive - we need him to -_

_- to escape - _

He so very nearly turns on Mello because how _dare _he pull a stunt like this, _how dare he manipulate me like I'm just - just a piece of the puzzle _but the rational voice pulls him back at the last second, reminds him of who the real enemy is -

"Mikami," he says, trying to keep his voice measured, "I think you should leave here."

"I... God?"

Mello's grinning now, which clues Gevanni in that his hunch was right.

"Stand up and go out of that door," he says. "There are steps at the end of the corridor, and then a door on the right. Go out of that and you'll be in a forecourt. This area's abandoned, so you shouldn't run into anyone else. Just - just get out of here, all right?"

Mikami struggles to his feet, stumbles forward. His hands are smeared with more blood; it crusts under the nails.

"You are so fucking _dead_," Mello spits. His face matches his voice now.

"Forgive me?" Mikami is unsteady; he closes his eyes several times as if he feels faint.

"You didn't have anything to do with this."

"But I..."

"Just get out of here, all right? You - you want to make it up to me, don't throw your lot in with Kira again." He has no idea whether that bit's convincing or not, but he wants to say it anyway.

Mikami nods, takes a few more shaky steps forward, and then he's dashing out into the corridor and has gone. Gevanni waits, listens to his feet on the stairs and then, finally, the slam of the door.

"I thought I was going to have to blink it to you in Morse code or something," Mello says, rolling his eyes.

"How long have you known?" Gevanni knows he should lower the gun but right now he quite likes having some kind of talisman to hold up between him and Mello, especially one that occupies both his hands and prevents him lashing out at anything. Hell, he likes having something to hold onto, period. It's like the gun is the only constant in a world that's suddenly turned to quicksand.

"Since I didn't kill you the first time."

"So... so you were holding it back in case it came in useful, then."

"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I had to make it look at least halfway convincing why Mikami got out, didn't I?"

Their eyes meet. Mello's got a look on him like _go on. Bawl me out. I dare you. _Gevanni doesn't bother saying anything else. He was right, Mello was never going to let him get away with the things he said. Gevanni just underestimated the scale of his revenge.

He manages to lower the gun, at least, and as he does that he seems to realise how tired he is.

"Right," Mello says. "Let's get out of here. I've got a new safe house set up not that far from our notebook in the ground. Should be a bit warmer than this dump, at least."

Gevanni limps along on autopilot, watching as Mello and Lidner pack up the provisions and supplies in the main room. The sun's setting, although you'd hardly know behind all the boards.

While Aizawa is carrying things out to the van and Mello has gone in search of Matsuda and Ide, Lidner turns to Gevanni and asks, "Are you all right?"

"Do I not look it?"

She shakes her head.

Gevanni wants to say he's _just a little tired _but that's just it. Putting on the act again will take more energy than he has right now.

"Did you know?" he says, and he's blurting it out, deliberately to sound confusing like that will sidetrack things or to kid himself he's not actually talking about this. "How he was going to play it? With Mikami?"

"I knew that he didn't want to script anything," Lidner says. "He didn't want me to know what it was he would actually do. In case I gave the game away, I imagine."

"Right. Yeah. That would make sense." That look she'd given. Was that all planned, too? If he hadn't gone of his own accord, would she actually have said _I think you should follow? _

Of course she would have. They need to do this to catch Kira, don't they?

She glances over at him, the faded orange of the sunset glowing in her eyes.

"He knew," Gevanni manages to say. "He knew about... why I'd taken the case. He used that to... piss me off and get me to let Mikami go. Of course I fell for it. I'm sure he'll tell you now if he hasn't already. It seems to be common knowledge, at any rate." Why is he looking for sympathy from her, anyway? What Mello said - about how she'd do anything to stop Kira - she'd see nothing wrong with what's happened, she'd point out _well, we had to get Mikami out somehow - _

He doesn't want to tell her, but she probably already knows. And the thought of her talking to Mello later, saying how he couldn't even get the words out - or, if she doesn't know, Mello will explain it to her and then, what, she'll come and offer sympathy? Or just look at him, and know, and wonder exactly how rational about this case he's been from the start -

"My sister was in jail for killing her husband," he hears himself say, and it sounds so mundane, suddenly, like the words are just normal ones. "Kira - probably Yagami - killed her last year. I didn't know that Mello was - was aware of this."

Lidner draws a sharp breath and she moves a little closer to him like she's going to put a hand on his arm, but then she just says, "I'm so sorry."

"You didn't know?" he says, and it comes out sarcastic, spiteful.

"Of course I didn't know," she says, coolly. "I don't even know your real name, do I?"

Gevanni shrugs. There's nothing else he particularly wants to say. He's admitted the truth, and anything else Lidner wants to know she can no doubt find out from Mello more easily than she can from him.

But, "You were in the SPK because of her?" she says.

"It influenced my decision, yes." It comes out sounding really sarcastic, like, _no duh, you idiot, _but - "Of course it helped I had useful language skills and a good track record and talents that might come in handy. They didn't just take me on out of pity, if that's what you're wondering. It's just really fucking funny that your boyfriend decided to leave me alive pretty much the same day she died. I suppose he thought it might be useful to have someone with an emotional stake in things, someone who clearly couldn't be trusted to remain objective, did he tell you that too?" It's really hurting to talk now. He observes it, kind of like how he observed things after he got shot, _interesting, you're clearly exhibiting symptoms of distress, _he doesn't _want _to be distressed, he can't afford to go to pieces, especially not now -

"Are you saying that she died around the same time that the rest of the SPK did?"

"Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I am saying." He can sense she wants to move closer, wants to offer sympathy, so he deliberately doesn't look at her, keeps staring ahead. "I'll be fine. I just need to get my head together. Mikami wasn't very happy to learn about it either." From the bottom of the stairs Mello is yelling at them to get a move on; Gevanni takes the opportunity to end the conversation, stumbles to the door. He hears Lidner follow, and he's just waiting for her to come out with some glib armchair psychology or more useless sympathy, but she doesn't. He can't look at her, all the same.

ooo

Ide supposes he should be grateful that as soon as they got to the new safe house Mello deputised him and Matsuda to take first shift on staking out the clearing where the notebook's buried. It means he gets a chance to talk to Matsuda before he blurts out what nearly happened - what _did _happen - to anyone else. But he doesn't feel grateful. He just feels sick and furious and - _what the hell, _he wants to shout at the entire world, _what the hell were you thinking?_

The woods aren't really proper woods so much as a stunted cluster of trees and brambles that have grown up round a short cut. An uneven road - just wide enough to get the van down - leads into them. They park at the end of it, under the trees, in the deep black shadows. According to Aizawa, the notebook is buried about ten paces from here, at the foot of the trunk of the biggest of three trees in a row. Not that Ide can see where that is, not in the dark.

Matsuda huddles in the corner, arms wrapped round himself, gazing at the floor. He hasn't said a word since they left the warehouse. At least that's probably better than self-justification. Although Ide still almost wishes the guy _would _come up with some kind of plausible reason how he could do this. Something that would make all this make sense.

The silence is heavy. Ide stares out at the patches of blackness under the trees and the spiky branches and takes a breath and says, "Okay."

Matsuda tenses, but he doesn't look up. At last, he says, "Why didn't you say anything earlier, if you heard the... the first call?"

"I was... I was trying to work out what to do."

"What... talk to me? Or..."

"Or talk to someone else, yeah. I wanted to find out what the hell you thought you were doing but - if you had switched sides, you'd only lie to me, so maybe it'd be better to tell the others right away. I came to find you in the end because I figured I should at least get your side of the story. I could always pass that on."

"That's why you showed up when... when you did."

"Yeah, and it's lucky that I did, isn't it?" Ide feels like his voice is splitting apart with the fury that's suddenly stuck in his throat, but Matsuda doesn't look at him, doesn't move. That's even more frustrating and Ide has to fight not to grab him, shake an answer out of him, as he says, "Go on, why don't you explain again what the thought process was?"

"I told you." Matsuda's so quiet Ide can barely hear him, and it only makes his own voice seem louder, more awkward. So he snaps, "Yeah, you told me, but I'm still having difficulty processing the idea that you were happy to get all of us killed to save your own skin. So I want to hear you explain again in case I missed something."

Matsuda shifts, resting his head in his hands, and, hopelessly, the words stumbling, he says, "If things go back to normal, they'll charge me with - with what happened and then there's nothing I can do. If... if Kira's the one judging criminals then... then he said, he'd forgive someone who showed they were loyal. I couldn't... I was scared. It was a chance. I thought it might be a chance."

Ide wishes he hadn't asked. He was hoping Matsuda would come up with some stupid rambling justification about how he'd been trying to trick Raito or even that he'd called just to, whatever, say sorry to Raito for shooting him and been suckered into betrayal without realising. But of course it wasn't anything so complex. Matsuda was scared and thought that his chances of a long and happy life were marginally higher on Kira's side than on Mello's. And so he'd weighed it up and figured he could live with causing the deaths of seven other people and giving the world over to Kira, because he'd be safe. It's a perfectly natural line of reasoning, Ide's seen that kind of thinking loads of times before, so why does he want to yell at the guy _no, you're wrong, how could you be doing this, how could it ever seem like a good idea?_ The rage and - and the _disbelief _are slamming him in the chest like he's been punched and it even makes his breathing stagger.

"I see," is all he manages to say. Even with that he sounds furious.

"When I spoke to him the first time," Matsuda says, "he told me... well, he kind of told me that... that he'd help me if I helped him. And I kept thinking about it and... I couldn't... I couldn't work it out..."

"It's not arithmetic, for god's sake! What you meant is you couldn't quite bring yourself to believe that having Kira on your side meant the rest of us dying! What you meant is you didn't want to think about how our deaths would be your fault!"

"I didn't want it to... to be like that. I was hoping it..."

"It would sort itself out?"

"I didn't want anyone to die." Matsuda's voice is choked now; he's speaking through his hands. "I never thought like... _oh, it'll serve them right. _I kept thinking about it and I couldn't stop and I just - I wanted to decide something - and I called him and I don't know if I... what I might've said. You... you stopped me so..." He trails off.

"And what about now?" Ide makes himself ask.

"Now?"

"Nothing's changed, has it? If you were scared before, you must be equally scared now. Of course, some people might wonder why you think you can trust Raito, considering he's already tried to kill you once and lied to you on a daily basis for years. Not to mention how much you know about him and how he kills and what he's done. Someone who's not a _complete idiot _might _possibly _have suspected that he would say anything to get you to give up helpful information." But of _course _Raito's argument would make sense to someone as scared and as naive as Matsuda - someone as given to impulsive actions, to avoidance of thinking things through - he'd just want to _do _something to sort everything out, and it would be a bonus if it meant he could trust Raito again - _and why the hell didn't I talk to him immediately after I heard that first call? I could have got him to see how stupid it was - _"They might figure that the only way to survive this is by getting rid of him and it's a lot less of a chance to face the courts than it is to gamble that he'll treat you fairly! Especially when you're betting everyone else's lives on it too!"

He realises he's almost yelling and quickly yanks his gaze back to the empty, silent woods. Matsuda doesn't answer, doesn't move, and so Ide has to say to him, "Well? What's your answer?"

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"For god's sake -"

"I can't exactly tell you _yeah, I'm still going to stab you in the back if I get the chance. _That'd be stupid. And if I say _I've changed my mind, I'm sorry, _you won't believe me."

"I'm not asking you say to what you think I want to hear. I'm asking you to tell me the truth." It makes sense in his head, but he's not sure it does once he spells it out. _I want you to tell me this is all a mistake. I want you to tell me you have at least realised exactly what it was you nearly did. _What if Matsuda does say _I was going to betray you and I'll do it again if I can_? Will Ide deny it, try and argue it out with him?

"Are you going to tell the others?" Matsuda sounds tired, like he doesn't really care one way or the other.

"I..." He should not be hesitant about this. He should at least have decided what he'll do depending on what Matsuda says. He shrugs, pretends it's not an important enough question to have a clear answer to. "If we pull this off and Raito gets put away for good, I won't have to, will I?"

Matsuda looks round at him now, clearly taken aback and looking so confused and yes, _hopeful, _that Ide can't bear to look at him and wrenches his gaze back to the trees. Matsuda had been assuming he was a dead man walking, that he'd be revealed to Mello as a traitor as soon as all this was over, that's why he sounds so resigned. Now he's silent for a few seconds, but eventually he says, "You... you'd do that? Just - keep it quiet?"

"It won't matter once the case is over." Ide's not sure that's true - he certainly doesn't feel like he'll be able to look Matsuda in the eye without at least a flicker of resentment manifesting - but that's something which will be easy to deal with compared to their current situation. "And before then, it..." Of course it _does _matter. "I didn't tell Mello earlier because I wanted to hear your side of the story. And to judge how much of a risk you are to the rest of us."

Silence again. Ide feels like he's been staring at blackness and faint white light for so long he's starting to forget the world comes in other colours. He thinks about that, about how it's hard to believe there's anything in those pits of shadow. About how good it will be to get some sleep tonight, even if it is under musty blankets in an empty house. He isn't going to speculate on what Matsuda might say, what that might mean he'll have to do -

"I didn't... I didn't just do it because I didn't want to die." Matsuda sits up a little, wrapping his arms around himself. "I mean... I mean, yeah, that was... that was why I thought about it in the first place but... Ide, do you really think we're - we're doing the right thing?"

"Of course we are." Certainly at the moment he has absolutely no compunction about stopping Kira's rise to power. Any doubts he might have had are on the other side of a wall of worry, anger, and a lack of sleep.

"It... the crime rates," says Matsuda. "I saw... well, you know Taki's been going on about it. All those people getting hurt and killed now Kira's not active. If we hadn't done what we have, they... they'd still be okay. What we're doing is making people be all like _hey, maybe I can get away with stuff again. _I kept thinking... I kept thinking how what if it was meant to be like this? What if this is how, you know, the world gets so much better and we're just... we're just standing in the way because we're mad we didn't get to finish a case? I know it's not _good _that people are dying but... what if... what if in the long run..."

"You thought our deaths were a necessary sacrifice?" Ide can feel his voice rising again. If Matsuda argues that while simultaneously saying that he acted to save his own skin -

"I didn't _think _anything! I wanted just to have made the choice! I didn't weigh it all up and, and pick a side, I just got scared I was on the wrong one and going to die and just called him and then -"

"Yeah, you just called him. You just thought _I know who'll help me. Raito Yagami will help me! _You didn't think of - of asking anyone else for help. Or, you know, considering that maybe you were scared enough not to be thinking straight."

"It's not like anyone else could've helped. I know... I know I did something bad and if I was brave I'd be okay about facing up to that, but..."

"But instead you decided to cause the deaths of a bunch of other people and see if that helped?" Ide realises he's actually scared, scared he's sitting next to someone who could be that irresponsible. How could you never have picked up on something like that? How could you have been wrong enough about someone to - not only to almost enjoy their company but to kiss them? At least with Raito you did always have the sense he was keeping something back - but for Matsuda to turn out to be someone that unconcerned with other people's lives...

Matsuda stares numbly ahead for a few seconds and at last he says, "If I'd thought about that part of it, I probably wouldn't have..." Stops. "No, that's... that's not true. I might've - I was - I wanted to stop being scared. I was trying not to think about... about what would happen to... to you and the others but I might have done anyway and still... just because..."

He sounds miserable, like he didn't expect himself to be so unconcerned with other people's lives either. That helps, slightly. At least he gets that it was an appalling thing to try and do. Isn't that the important bit? Matsuda made a mistake but he knows it was a big one and he's sorry? _Another big mistake. _Ide can't tell any more whether he's coming to a decision or just arguing himself into what he'd already made up his mind to do before this conversation even started.

"Look," he says, "I don't... I don't think you're a bad person." Okay, that is true. He can see very clearly how Matsuda panicked and just wanted to flail around doing _something_. "And I guess I can see why you convinced yourself Raito could help. It's ridiculous, but I can see why you wanted to believe it. And the stuff about whether we're doing the right thing... yeah, fine, maybe it's not as easy to work that out. But by now you can't stay neutral. You have to decide who you're going to back."

He stops, and Matsuda takes a shaky breath.

"It could take us a few days before things play out," Ide makes himself carry on. "I need to know you're not going to drop us in it during that time. You can't - you can't get cold feet again, you understand? Doing this once, out of panic, I'll buy that. I'm not going to give you a second chance. I need to... I need to believe I can trust you."

He expects Matsuda to leap in with _you can, I swear_, but the other man is silent for a few seconds and then just says, quietly, "I know."

"If you really, genuinely think we're not doing the right thing - that Kira ruling the world would be better... _after_ you've seen how he's treated us - and not just us, Aizawa's wife and kids - his own father - if you really want to trust that Raito's never going to use all the power he has to help himself rather than others..." He trails off. He isn't sure how he can end this. _Go off to Raito and spill your guts_ isn't really what he's looking for. "I mean by his ruling, you wouldn't get a trial or any sort of chance to give your say about what happened to Sato. If it wasn't for the fact you have information he wants, then he'd have you killed as soon as he could. I'm not saying the old system is so perfect but at least it doesn't all depend on bribing one person. One lunatic who thinks he's a god, I should add."

"It's weird..." Matsuda sounds tired now. "When you say stuff like that, I - I get it... I mean, I know why you're saying it, I know why it... why it's true." He swallows. "But it doesn't join up to Raito in my head. Like... it's like you're talking about someone different and you don't realise."

"I'm talking about the man you tried to put a dozen bullets in a few days ago."

"I know, and I know that was bad, but -"

"That - that's not why I brought it up. I thought you'd worked things out. I thought you hated him." Ide tries not to sound pissed off, but the urge to literally shake some sense into Matsuda is rising. How can he not be _getting _this?

A shrug.

"Well... well, if you don't hate him, you'd better start now. If you're going to help get rid of Kira, you can't think you'll go running back to him and trying to make up if things get tough. And if you're _not _going to help, then..." He doesn't know what he'll do _if not. _He tries not to think about it.

"I know," Matsuda says.

"It's not like he'll even help you, not once he's got what he wants out of you. You know too much. He'll kill you. The only way you could be useful to him is, god, I don't know, doing the Eye deal and helping him eradicate the wicked." It was meant to sound ridiculous, but all at once it seems horribly likely that Raito would be capable of talking Matsuda into doing that. "Or did you already take that into account? Did you figure it wouldn't matter after how far you'd come?"

"No! I never - I never thought of... of anything like that -" Matsuda rubs a hand across his face. "I wasn't thinking that far ahead -"

"If you had, you'd no doubt have remembered that the way he wanted things to go, you would have been dead a week ago. Despite the fact he could've kept on lying to us for years. He wanted us dead because he'd got bored of having to keep up the act."

Matsuda doesn't answer, and Ide thinks _go on, let that be another thing you can't believe._

"Well?" he says. "Can I trust you from now on?"

In the darkness, Matsuda nods.

"Yes," he says, at last. "I won't let you down. I promise."

Ide tries to focus just on the relief that he's got the guy to spell it out and ignore the unease that if he's wrong, if Matsuda's just bluffing, then he and all the others will be dead. His mind is shouting at him _you should tell the others. At least tell Aizawa. Get someone else's perspective. You clearly had no clue how to read Matsuda before, so what's changed now? Do you just want to kid yourself you matter enough to him that he'll stay in line? _And under that, far, far down something is sneering _you just want to believe he's innocent so you can fuck him - you wrecked your judgement and if you're wrong you'll get everyone killed - _

"Thank you," Matsuda says, stumbling on the words a little.

Silence again, but it doesn't weigh so heavily now. Matsuda is still huddled up, but it seems like the tension across him has unwound, a little at least. Ide tries not to watch him too obviously, tries to focus on the emptiness outside, but even with Matsuda out of his line of sight, the panic that he could have just doomed everyone persists. Oh, he's almost sure Matsuda hasn't lied to him, that it really was just a moment of lunacy with no deeper plan, but that doesn't mean that keeping this to himself, letting it go, might not really backfire later on.

Because what if Raito gets to talk to Matsuda again? Calls again, asks Matsuda why he's changed his mind... convinces the guy that he is trustworthy, he will help, that he will guarantee safety, survival. Matsuda _wants_ to believe Raito is trustworthy, it's obvious. Ide can lecture him as much as he likes about it but his words could easily just bounce off once Raito promises, twists everything round and plays Matsuda without him even realising. And then. And then either Matsuda successfully betrays them and they all die, or he gets caught and this time there would be no way Ide could justify giving him another chance, or keeping it quiet. And then once Mello found out... The only thing Ide can do is stick with Matsuda as much as possible, and try and prevent him talking to Raito, but how easily can he do that without giving away the reason why? Sooner or later, if Matsuda really wants to _just try trusting _Raito one more time...

"About... about the making out and stuff," Matsuda says.

"I - what?" It seems like such a non-sequitur, especially compared to Ide's own thoughts, that he can't come up with any idea what Matsuda is expecting him to say.

"I know it's over. I mean I knew that after what... what I did before -"

"I don't remember saying it was -"

"I know," Matsuda carries on, "I know it's not because of that you let me off just now and I'm not thinking it - it means anything. I just wanted to say in case you thought I was expecting - like, that I could just - just -"

"Look, stop a moment -" Ide wishes he'd had more sleep, or was at least not having this conversation on the tail-end of an even more exhausting and frustrating one in a place that feels cut off from reality. "Just... I don't know why you're even talking about this, but... I wasn't going to make any kind of - of _move _when you were so cut up about all that's happened. I assumed..." Well, actually, he didn't assume anything, he just felt vaguely that he wasn't sure what was going on, how kissing someone was meant to change your interaction with them especially when they were potentially facing a murder charge. "God, I don't know. That sort of thing isn't anything to do with - with what's happened. You just cut yourself off."

"Well, it feels screwed up to be - to be doing stuff like I think everything's okay."

"That didn't stop you before. That's _never _stopped you. You always act like everything's okay. Well, you always used to. I don't know, perhaps if you'd been distracting yourself with sex then you wouldn't have had the time to get scared enough to make contact with Raito." Talking like that makes it sound like nothing's going to happen, like this conversation is academic, but Ide can feel flickers of heat on his skin, even through the chilly air. Perhaps it _is _fucked up to have sexual relations with someone who's killed someone, perhaps no one normal would consider it, but at least Matsuda's talking about something that's not how positive he feels towards Kira.

"Oh yeah." Matsuda laughs, weakly. "Should've thought of that." He shifts, moves a little closer to Ide.

_Oh, yeah, great idea, make it seem like now that he's paid lip service to the idea of not turning traitor, everything is fine - _if Ide had any sense he would say that they can think about it afterwards, when everything's over, when they've both survived. Give Matsuda a reason to be invested - in some form, at least - in a post-Kira world.

Except that it won't _be _happening when all this is over. It's because they're both scared and there's no one else. And besides, Ide _said. _He said he trusted Matsuda and - and surely if he doesn't, if he thinks it's dangerous to step straight back into the half-relationship they had before, then why on earth isn't he telling the rest of the team about Matsuda's betrayal?

"We're supposed to be keeping a look-out, not getting distracted."

"I wasn't... I know that. Just..." And in the darkness he puts his hand over Ide's. "Just I really owe you, you know? You're - you're a good guy."

_Coward._

Ide turns his hand palm upwards so he can grip Matsuda's, and the other man slides closer to him, leans against him, breath warm on his throat.

_If you've screwed up and he lets us down again, and they find out about this part of it - Aizawa'll kill you - _

Damn it, he has to keep Matsuda on-side - keep Matsuda away from Raito - just a few days, maximum, until this is over but - he is useless at persuading people to do things and he's clearly terrible at reading them too if this incident's taught him anything. But he can't just leave things as they are, trust to luck, let Matsuda blindly walk back into whatever trap Raito feels like laying from him, it's Raito who's his opponent, not Matsuda, it's Raito who'll screw everything up given half a chance -

And just like he always knew the answer, he thinks of the pieces of paper from the notebook, still in his jacket, lying against his heart.

It wouldn't be so hard. Just wait until he's alone, draw blood from a fingertip - hell, you could even do it here in the van, there's just enough moonlight and faint glow from the houses nearby, he could tell Matsuda to get some sleep - It's not that he _is _going to do anything, but it would be so easy. And it's not like he can do anything about Matsuda's desperation to trust Raito or about the criminal charges he could be facing but something _can _be done about Raito - Raito can be stopped from lying again -

It's still only a thought experiment, but Raito's death would save all of their lives. Of course it would save thousands of others - at least those of the potential victims not already facing the death penalty - but even just on a small scale, it's the lives of the task force and the SPK traded for the life of an amoral murderer with a god complex -

_So do it, _part of his mind hisses, _don't just keep flattering yourself you __**could**__ -_

And the icy horror, the feeling of falling, just like when he reached up to his pocket in the hotel room.

This is how Matsuda felt, isn't it? Talking yourself into it and then being able to say _it's only making a phone call _or _it's only writing something down _and hoping that would carry you through until you'd actually done the deed. What the hell is wrong with him, tearing a strip off Matsuda for not thinking and then doing the same thing himself? And he said he trusted the man. _Either you do or you don't, and if you don't, face up to it, don't just sit there holding his goddamn hand - _

"I've just remembered," he says, trying to sound casual. "I've still got those pages from the notebook."

Matsuda tenses slightly, looks round at him. "Oh... oh, yeah. You're not - you're not going to -"

"I don't think it's safe having them on me any more. I mean, things will really go to hell if Mello gets his hands on them."

"We could - we could burn them. There'll be a lighter in here, probably..." Matsuda is already leaning forward, squinting in the dark, but all at once Ide knows he hasn't got the guts to actually burn the damn things. _If - if _they needed them - he'll get rid of them after they've caught Raito, but until then he just doesn't want them near him -

"No, we'll kick ourselves if it turns out..." He trails off and for a second his mind is blank of anything but how guilty he must sound, but then he recovers enough to say, "I just don't want to be carrying them around on me."

In the end they hide the papers in the glove compartment. The wall of it has become ever-so-slightly loose, just loose enough that they can slide the papers behind it, far enough that they can't be seen, and then push it back into place. The action seems to have unnerved Matsuda again; he grips Ide's hand more tightly and he keeps twitching whenever there's a faint noise from outside. Ide, on the other hand, feels tired, resigned, like everything is sorted now. At some point Mello calls them, tells them that he's got confirmation Mikami got picked up by Takada's people and he's just got word that the guy has been installed in the Teito Hotel, but it seems to Ide like it means nothing, like information given in a dream. He stares at the path and the trees without really seeing them and nothing changes and he wonders if he's falling asleep without realising, and his mind chases the question of what they'll do if Raito turns up here during the day, in broad daylight, no doubt keeping an eye out for anyone watching, and no doubt Mello has a plan for it, but still...

Matsuda has sat up, is staring out of the passenger window. "Hang on - yeah, there's someone out there -"

"Huh?"

"Look, by that tree -"

It's like caffeine to the head; Ide straightens up, trying not to notice the aches and heaviness from sitting still too long, and sees a figure step from shadow to shadow, walking towards the largest tree. A sickeningly familiar figure.

"It's him," he says. "Call Mello, now."

Matsuda fumbles for the mobile phone they've been given, not the same one as earlier; its screen glows white on his face. "He is going to dig it up, right? I mean, we've got time?"

"No reason why he wouldn't - yeah, look, he's kneeling down -"

Matsuda, voice shaking, is speaking to Mello now: "He's here - he just started digging -" A moment later he puts the phone down. "They're heading over. Mello and Aizawa and Lidner. Mello says to get into position."

"Okay."

Ide had thought being inside the van was chilly enough, but outside is worse. He tries not to think about it as they creep out of the van, their footsteps muffled on the frozen ground. His breath condenses around him, like smoke over the sky. The air feels full of other noises - rustles of creatures in the undergrowth, the faint hum of traffic some distance away, the scrape of a trowel on the ground. They stop by the side of the path and they wait and just as Ide thinks he'll freeze solid before anything happens, he sees Raito scramble to his feet again. Mello, Aizawa and Lidner should be waiting along the edge of the woods. Backup and, if needed, covering fire. It's him and Matsuda who are going to have the job of press-ganging Raito. Which is of course a great chance for Matsuda to change his mind about who he supports, but Ide's not going to think like that. _I said I trusted him. _He can still feel the heat of Matsuda's skin wrapped round his fingers, dissipating in the cold.

Raito is walking towards them, towards the road. A cut-out shadow in the moonlight, with a square of darkness in one hand. And then that's it, Ide is walking forward and he's caught up with Raito and grabbed him by the arm and is pressing the gun against his ribs and he says, surprising himself at how calmly, "Just keep walking, okay?"

Raito turns to stare him in the face.

He's smiling.

The next second the square is full of the roar of engines and the blaze of headlights and then footsteps, crashing through the undergrowth -

_It was Matsuda, _Ide thinks, _he was playing me all along, he knew - _and the fury is already showing on his face as he glances round. Their eyes meet and Matsuda's are wide with shock and he's half-shaking his head but then next second, teeth-rattling pain as Raito has slammed a fist up into Ide's jaw. His teeth clack together and the world jerks about and when it's recovered, Raito is, Raito has merged into the rest of the crowd of dark-suited men surrounding them and levelling guns.

_"Drop your weapons!"_

Ide looks round for the others. Lidner and Aizawa have both stumbled into view, squinting in the light; he can't see Mello. Aizawa looks round, hopeless fury in his face - then the next moment he's let go of his gun, sent it into the shadows, and, a second later, Lidner follows suit. Feeling almost relieved that this is it, that there's nothing else but the obvious to do, Ide lets his own gun drop, feeling the air cold on his sweating palm -

There's a thud of another weapon hitting the ground and then Matsuda has dived over to him, is clutching his shoulders and crying out "It wasn't me, I swear it, Ide, please -"

_"Don't move!"_

Ide shakes him off, hisses, "Shut up - just stay still -" but Matsuda clutches at him, seemingly not even noticing the guns trained on him from all directions, gasping out just that he didn't do it and what the hell else can Ide say but, "I _know. _Now shut _up -_"

There's a shot.

Matsuda goes still all over and _no - no, no - _

But then another, from the bodyguards this time, aiming at something in the trees, and Ide grabs Matsuda and pulls them both to the ground as more shots tear the silence apart - someone in the shadows, firing as they move - running towards Raito - and then, for a second Ide sees Mello, eyes wide and pale and glowing silver all over from the light and he's levelling the gun, a clear shot at Raito -

And then he's thrown back, twisting, stumbling as shot after shot crashes down into the clearing. Ide can't tell if he actually sees the smoke and blood spatters or if he's just adding in what he knows is there. Mello collapses against the foot of one of the trees and almost at once, he's blocked from view by more of the black-suited men. Ide glances at Lidner. She is staring at the crowd, her eyes wide, her mouth a thin line. And now more figures are detaching themselves from the crowd, hurrying towards them -

Someone grabs him by the shoulders, yanks him away from Matsuda, and he finds himself staring at the ground, the half-buried stones and the dead leaves as if he hasn't had time to study them before. They're wrenching his arms behind his back, slapping the handcuffs on. He glances over at Matsuda, who is looking helplessly around like he's not quite awake, staring from Ide to Raito over on the other side of the clearing. Ryuk is there too, face hanging there like a mask in the lights, and Ide all at once doesn't want to look at him but before he can turn back to Matsuda, something - a hood of some kind - is wrenched down over his head, smelling musty and grimy, hot darkness, and that's all.


	12. Victory

(A/N: this chapter contains one violent scene. I think it's quite obvious when it's about to happen so you can skim-read madly if you're that way inclined, as I know I sometimes am.)

The journey seems to take hours. Of course, being blind doesn't help. Every corner and pause becomes a potential end and then turns into a false alarm.

And it's not like Ide wants an end to it. His arms ache and his own breathing is hot on his face and he's in complete darkness, enough that blinking makes no difference, but when they get to wherever they're going, this discomfort will be - will be nothing compared to -

_No._ For what feels like the hundredth time, he yanks his mind away from it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Patches of heat lie on his face but under all of that he's still numb with the chill from the winter air.

Raito must have realised already that the notebook was fake in order to bother taking them prisoner at all. Perhaps he tested it in the woods, found out then, called back-up or something? No, that's stupid, they would have noticed the arrival of that many people. He knew beforehand that his quarry would be there. It had all been too fast, too polished, for their presence not to have been anticipated.

The car halts again, but only for a second. By now it's starting to seem like he's floating in emptiness, like there's nothing but him and the hum of the engine in his ears. No one else in the car is talking, at any rate, and there's no other sound, no music or car horns or anything. Horribly easy to believe things will just stay like this forever, and he's praying for something, anything, to change, for fresh air, to be able to _see. _No. Breathe in. Breathe out. _He wants you to lose it. _At least use the time to think straight. Maybe Raito just figured it out. Maybe Mello just underestimated him. It's comfortable to blame Mello for being arrogant, to decide that his pride and impatience was what got him (presumably) killed.

Matsuda had been desperate to say he hadn't done anything. Surely once they were all held at gunpoint, if he was intending to switch sides he wouldn't bother trying to convince Ide he was trustworthy. Unless it had all been engineered, unless Raito had told him to keep up an act in case it was useful - Ide remembers the fingers digging into his arms, the wide, terrified eyes. It couldn't have been an act, Matsuda's not capable of that level of deceit -

_You thought he wasn't capable of even thinking of betraying everyone -_

He trusts Matsuda - he's sure he can trust him -

_If you'd told someone about that first phone call, maybe you wouldn't be completely screwed now. Mello would've worked out what was coming - he would've thought up an alternative - but you couldn't face the evidence right in front of you - _

God, if only he could see, there's no way to keep track of your thoughts when they're all you've got to focus on, they keep tangling up with each other. He has to get a grip. Raito will be trying hard enough as it is to knock him off-balance. He wonders how obvious it was that he's the one who interrupted Matsuda's phone call earlier. Whether Raito knows it's him who let them all walk into this. If that is how it happened. And he tries to abandon thinking and focus only on breathing in and breathing out but he keeps wondering and waiting for something to happen -

The car stops again, and this time the engine is silenced.

_Oh, god. _For one stupid moment he was actually _relieved _that the journey was going to an end but now that's beaten down by cold horror at what it's probably going to change into. His heart is pounding, so hard every beat hurts. Shit, perhaps Raito already knows where the book is, maybe he's got it and he's written all their names down and they're all going to die with nothing but the dark and the heat of their last few breaths - _stop it - stop thinking like this - _

The car door is opened and hands wrench him to his feet, shove him forward. Icy air. They're walking fast and he almost trips a couple of times. That and the darkness are making him feel like this is a dream, one of those ones where everything you try and do backfires. The slam of a door, and then sounds feel closer, and the worst of the chill vanishes. More walking. Doors, heavy-sounding, slamming behind him; the smell of disinfectant and old paint. And then eventually he's shoved forward, stumbles against what feels like a bench, is shoved to sit down. He can hear other people's breathing, or maybe it's just his own, in the dark -

The hood is wrenched off and cool air rushes over him. In the split second before the bright light forces his eyes closedhe sees strip lighting, dull white walls, Raito standing there watching them. He blinks, and blinks again, and - carefully, trying not to look too obviously confused, he glances around, trying to take in his surroundings. Aizawa is sitting on his right, glaring at Raito; Matsuda on his left, gazing at the floor. And then next to Matsuda is Mogi, gazing forward, looking tired and untidy - but unhurt at least, and probably no worse than the rest of them look by now. So he's alive and all right but then that's little comfort when he's clearly in as much shit as Ide and the others are.

Glass panels line the wall on the right. Outside are more of Takada's bodyguards, lined up, watching them. And on a desk behind Raito is Ryuk, cross-legged, chewing on an apple like a moviegoer with popcorn.

Raito is looking at them looking around. His eyes are wide, and his gaze can't keep still. The fingers of his left hand are picking at the edge of his suit; the gesture itches to watch. Raito has never been one for nervous habits. Of course, it was the other hand that Matsuda shot. Ide can't see it from where he's sitting.

"This is just a normal secure facility." His voice is too light, as if he's trying too hard to control it. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Don't feel that I've gone to any special treatment for you."

They're all looking at him now. Matsuda is pale, almost grey in the lights, biting his lower lip and staring desperately at Raito. Is there really any way he could keep up an act for this long? But perhaps he's only scared that Raito will reveal something. Ide tries to keep him out of his line of sight.

Raito sighs. "I shouldn't have expected intelligent conversation from you. All right, I'll be frank. Where exactly _is _my notebook now?"

So he has tested it. It's almost embarrassing; or stupid, like the situation's about to turn into a comedy. Indeed, when Matsuda says, "Uh... you've got it. You took it from the bank... right?" his voice is shaky as if he can't decide whether to laugh or not. Raito clearly doesn't want them to be laughing. He's turned, snatched a black notebook off the table behind them, and then he's crossed the room - too quickly - and, opening up the notebook to the last page and holding it one-handed in front of Matsuda's face, hisses, "Then would you like to explain why you're still alive?"

Matsuda shrinks back, goes even paler. Ide squints at the pages, and then sees. Raito has written their names there. It's a fake and Ide knows it's a fake but seeing his own name written out in full, visible to everyone, still makes him feel sick.

"You see?" Raito says, closing the notebook. And then just for a second, he's Chief Yagami's son again, politely accepting some reports from you or something. "Don't get me wrong, it isn't a bad attempt at a fake. I was almost convinced myself, the first time I saw it. I imagine it was Gevanni's handiwork again? Still, it's a lot more slapdash this time round -"

"It must have been Mello," Matsuda says.

"It must have been, must it?"

Matsuda goes silent. Ide can feel him trembling, and even though his thoughts automatically default to _get a grip, _there's no real conviction in it. It's not like the situation is any better than it seems. And Matsuda was terrified even before all this - terrified and desperate to think well of Raito -

"I asked you a question," Raito says softly.

Aizawa clears his throat - so he's dry-mouthed with nerves too - and says, as if he's bored with the argument, "As far as we knew, that was the real thing buried there. That's certainly where we left it. Mello was the only other person who knew where it was, so he must have had it switched without our knowledge, as back-up."

"How convenient for you."

"We're not the ones who had him gunned down," Aizawa says, coldly. "A shame that your men couldn't be less trigger-happy."

"Oh... he isn't dead yet." Raito shrugs. "Please don't try and take the moral high ground, not now. He's in an intensive care unit being monitored for signs of life. However, even if he does regain consciousness it could take a while, so I hope you can understand I'd appreciate your co-operation."

"But... but we said." Matsuda swallows. "We don't know where the real one is."

"I very much doubt that. You wanted to get me to walk into a trap tonight, didn't you? Your plan really was just to take Kira prisoner and hope that everything just went back to normal. You knew I'd be coming and you must have at least considered the idea that I'd write your names down literally the second after the notebook was in my hands. So you switched the notebooks to avoid that. I don't doubt Mello might have had the idea - you certainly aren't capable of that kind of forward thinking - but I'm not simply going to accept your word that you have no idea where my property has been hidden now."

"Mello didn't trust us either," Matsuda says. "He - he was always saying how he didn't want to work with us and we were useless. He... why would he tell us, I'd probably just blurt it out at the wrong moment, right?"

"Oh, I've no doubt you would." Raito smiles, a thin sharp smile. "You've certainly proved your unreliability by this point." Matsuda has gone so white Ide wonders if he'll keel over, but evidently Raito doesn't feel like going into the gory details yet: "_However, _you certainly wouldn't tell me immediately if you _did _know the location of the notebook. I'm giving you a chance to be sensible and pass on any information you have that you think I might find useful."

Oh god. Oh _god, _the pieces of paper hidden in the van. Ide had almost forgotten about them but now the realisation kicks him in the teeth and it's all he can do to try and keep his face blank. He has - if he'd just burnt the damn things - once Raito finds out about those, that's it. He's horribly conscious of Matsuda next to him, of the other man's shaky breathing - what if it's completely obvious they know something the other two don't? _He'll kill us - he'll kill us -_

"We don't know," Matsuda says, sounding like a child now, defensive, hopeless. "He barely told us anything, he liked seeing us clueless. He only talked to Lidner..."

"I'm well aware of your colleague's fascination with Mello, thank you," Raito says. "I'll be discussing this matter with her later. But I do really think it would be wiser for you to co-operate now." There's that shaky lightness again in his voice, as if he's very tired, or overexcited, or acting.

"If we did know where the notebook was," Aizawa snaps, "and we told you, you'd go and fetch it and then you'd kill us with it. I don't see that there's any advantage from our perspective."

"You're not _thinking,_" Raito says, taking a few quick steps forward. "Perhaps you'd only be killed if you'd demonstrated beyond all doubt that you could never support Kira. Perhaps you have a chance to save your lives if you co-operate now. And even if you don't want to think that well of me, surely it must have occurred to you that a quick death isn't a huge risk. After all, you've been facing that possibility ever since you swore allegiance to L, haven't you? It's nothing new. But if you continue to obstruct justice, then I'll have no choice but to take more drastic steps -"

"You'll try and torture it out of us?" Aizawa's voice is louder now; Ide can't decide whether he's grateful or furious with his friend for spelling out what Raito is hinting at. Matsuda swallows, hard; he's still shaking. "Because you're the pinnacle of justice now or whatever? God, you'd make your father _sick _if he could see you."

Raito looks at him and his smile is gone suddenly, leaving his face pale and cold. After a couple of seconds, he says, flatly, "Has your wife quite recovered from her injury, Aizawa?"

Aizawa is very still; he's gritting his teeth, but Ide can see his eyes are wide and horrified. Raito smiles. "If you make Kira punish innocents so you can avoid judgement for your own crimes... well, I thought better of you."

"I don't know where the damn thing is," Aizawa says, and it sounds like the words hurt him. "None of us do. I swear to god you do anything more to any of them and I'll kill you -"

"Stop talking in cliches." Raito stares at them coldly - then, all at once, the thin smile again. "I understand you're disorientated right now. I'll give you time to think. Oh, and I'll talk to each of you individually, so you don't have to worry about people thinking less of you. Well... any less than will occur once the truth comes out about some of you."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Aizawa says.

Matsuda has closed his eyes and Ide can hear his breathing shake. _Don't rise to it_, he tells himself.If Matsuda _has _been playing him for a fool all this time, that doesn't mean Raito is aware of it, and Ide is quite capable of cursing his own stupidity without having the others get in on the act. _I don't know anything..._

"Well, to start with," Raito says, "the three of you might not be particularly impressed with Mogi. Considering you have him to thank for being here."

Ide has blurted out, "What?" before he can stop himself, and he stares over at Mogi, who hasn't moved.

"Don't judge him too harshly," Raito says. "It's not the first time a man has made a mistake when confronted with a pretty blonde."

_Oh, come on - _Ide just manages to keep his mouth shut. _Can't you come up with a better lie than that? _This is a trick - Mogi wouldn't be so stupid...

"You're lying," Aizawa says, dismissively, but Ide hears the nervous pause before he starts speaking.

"Mogi was infatuated enough with my fiancee that he told her more than he should," Raito says. "Of course, he didn't tell her the exact location of the notebook - he's not _that _eloquent - but he did mention that you'd buried it in the woods. When Misa told me that, I was able to narrow down my search to places that would fit that description and were near enough and quiet enough for you to have hidden it there after you left the Yellow Box Warehouse. It wasn't difficult. I knew the location before Mikami even left your hideout. I went there and discovered the notebook. I tested it, and found it to be a fake. That didn't surprise me a great deal - I'd half-expected even you to be intelligent enough not to just give me the Note. But then when we tracked down Mikami and got him to tell us what he knew, I wondered what would happen if I re-enacted my earlier visit with additional back-up. And of course, you were all predictable enough to crawl out of the woodwork."

Ide can't keep looking at his smug face without wanting to choke; he glances over at Mogi instead, half-hoping for scorn or surprise, that that can't really be what happened. But Mogi looks horribly, hopelessly resigned; his face blank and pale, his eyes fixed on the opposite wall as if he knows they'll all be looking and can't bear to meet their eyes. So it's the truth, then, more or less? He hates that part of him is grateful that Matsuda's off the hook, that he himself might have made the right choice after all. It should hardly matter at this point. But somehow it does.

"Feel free to ask him about it yourself, if you get the chance." Raito shrugs. "As I said... I'll give you a little time to think about your situation." He gestures for the men outside to come in. "Assuming, of course, that none of you three have the notebook on you... it seems unlikely, but I can imagine Mello going for that kind of bluff."

Out of the corner of his eye, Ide sees Aizawa half-glance at him, just for a second. Matsuda's probably being even less subtle about it, so Ide keeps his eyes on the grimy floor like he's too angry to communicate with anyone.

He knows he should be having some kind of intelligent thought, making some plan, at least trying to strengthen his own resolve, but his mind seems to have locked into numb horrified _this can't be happening _with little room for anything more constructive. It sticks with that as the men search them, as he's dragged to his feet, marched out of the room and then through corridors blocked every so often with locked doors. Looking around doesn't make him feel any better. It clearly is a medium-security prison, currently dark and silent. Up rattling steps and along more corridors, through more doors, and finally, they stop outside a particular cell door. It's unlocked and Ide feels the handcuffs removed as he's pushed forward into the dimly-lit room. Matsuda stumbles in after him and then the door slams shut behind them.

Matsuda is rubbing at his wrists, distractedly; as the footsteps outside fade away he looks up and meets Ide's eyes. He seems numb with shock still, or like he's still scared Ide will blame him for what's happened. Ide's stomach twists - _don't look at me like I can fix all this - I'm in as much shit as you are now - _

He hisses, "Whatever you're going to say, just think about it first, all right? They've probably got this place bugged."

Matsuda stares at him for a second, then nods. "Ri... right. Like... like with Ryuzaki... watching us, so they can see if - see if..." He starts to shake. "They'll..."

"Don't. Don't think about - look, sit down, you look like you're about to faint."

Matsuda slumps down onto the lower of the two bunks, resting his head on his hands. Ide sits down next to him. Are there cameras in here as well? He can't see any, but that doesn't mean much. At any rate he's sure he's right about bugs. Raito will find out about it if he shoots his mouth off about knowing what Matsuda did. Or about... anything else the two of them are involved in. It's definitely not the time to think about _that _kind of thing, anyway.

And yet...

"Ide," Matsuda whispers, "what are we going to do?"

"I don't... I don't know." He takes a breath, feeling like he hasn't been breathing enough up until now. "We don't know where Mello hid the damn thing. That's all we can say -" There's one thin light in here, dimmed at the moment, so surely no one will see if he just touches Matsuda's hand - as soon as he does the other man seizes on it, gripping his fingers so tightly it almost hurts.

"Raito won't believe us. And anyway..." Matsuda trails off. Ide knows what he must be thinking. Raito's not going to give up until he's got the information he wants and while Ide and Matsuda don't have the location of the notebook they have knowledge of something else almost as useful. And they'll try and hold out and then they'll break and then Raito will find the hidden pages and he'll kill them.

_If I'd just not - _

He realises he's shaking too, because Matsuda is suddenly whispering "It's okay, it'll be okay, really," and putting his arms round him and Ide wants to shove him away because people will _see _and they'll _laugh _and yet he can't because, actually, in a few hours or so he'll have far more problems than people's opinions on his love life. He can feel himself still wanting to care, though. To admit that something which felt so important is now trivial in comparison to his current problems -

What the hell. Better to reveal that than any of the other things he knows.

He contents himself with snapping, "Don't be so stupid, it's not _okay _at all." But even as he says it he's pulling Matsuda closer and Matsuda's cold mouth is on his and the sensations it sparks block out, for a while, the realisation of how much danger they're in.

ooo

Aizawa feels like the shock of this is slowing him down; his feet keep catching on the floor, and the man leading him has to shove him forward. His mind feels like it's thinking through glue. There has to be some way to - Raito isn't going to - Raito _can't - _

Eventually they unlock one of the cell doors and push him inside. It takes him several seconds to notice that they've taken the handcuffs off, that his arms are hanging at his sides, and several more seconds to notice that Mogi has been pushed in after him, is now standing and watching him warily. Aizawa wonders how he looks, whether his disorientation is obvious.

"There's still a lot of media interest in your family," Mogi says, quietly. "That gives him less room to manoeuvre."

To have them mentioned so casually for the second time in an hour - Aizawa has snarled back, before he can think, "Did he tell you that? After you and him and Amane had a comfortable chat together?"

"I'm sorry," Mogi says, staring at the floor.

"Yeah, I bet you are. You don't have her around as eye candy any more. What the hell happened? Why didn't you think she might possibly still be committed to Raito, it's not like she doesn't voice that she is at every opportunity!" He's shouting now, but he's fighting not to panic as well and the effort of it all hurts his chest. He takes a deep breath and tells himself to calm down, to listen, _losing your temper won't help anyone _but it isn't like there are any other options open to him -

"I... originally, I tried to keep the truth of the situation from Misa," Mogi says. He's still not looking at Aizawa; keeping his gaze on the opposite wall. "Eventually, she found out what had happened. Well... that Raito was in no danger, at any rate."

"And?"

"She was upset. I don't think she was able to think straight. So she elected to remain with me. I told her... I told her that Raito was Kira, that he was dangerous. I mentioned Takada. She remained with me for a few days, and then she was mentioned on the news. On a talk show. She suggested she call Raito and tell him she was alone, but... that wasn't what she actually did."

"You should've got away from her as soon as she worked it out. You know what she's like about Raito!"

Mogi doesn't answer that. Aizawa grits his teeth, and, trying to keep hold of his temper, carries on, "And then what happened?"

"I've been here since. Raito spoke to me once. He told me that you had made a deal with him, to give him back the notebook. Then tonight I found they'd brought you all in." Mogi swallows. "I didn't think I'd told her anything useful."

"Well, you thought wrong."

Aizawa wants to stay angry with him. He _is _still angry, but under that he's tired and he's scared and he's realising how hopeless the situation is looking, and there's a limit to how satisfying righteous anger can be when the focus of it is in as much trouble as you are. He crosses over to the bunks at the side, slumps down on one. "We were hoping to get the jump on Raito. We thought he'd be concerned to keep the notebook secret, that he'd come alone. We... well, it wasn't like we could get in touch with you. We figured you didn't know what was going on, you couldn't..." Mello had actually said _what the hell do you want me to do about it? The only thing he knows is where the damn thing is, and he knows enough not to pass __**that**__ on. _

Mogi nods; then, carefully, he says, "So only Mello knows where the real notebook is hidden now?"

"That's right. So if he doesn't wake up, that's it for Raito, no... no matter what he does to us." Aizawa swallows. If Raito follows through on what he hinted back there - if it's that Eriko and the girls be killed unless Raito finds the notebook - what the hell is Aizawa going to do? What can he do? Make something up to buy some time? But he's so tired and seriously unsure of his ability to produce a convincing lie as it is. Will Raito believe that he doesn't know where the damn thing is? Probably not, or at least not until after at least one person Aizawa cares for has been severely hurt or killed and he's still sworn he doesn't know.

He was half-expecting them to find those pages Ide had with him - he was simultaneously trying to gear himself up to face death and not even wanting to think about it too much in case it somehow tipped Raito off - but then nothing happened, so Ide at least doesn't have the damn things with him here. Maybe he destroyed them, maybe he didn't want to risk Mello finding them or something. Please _god _let that be what has happened. If they're still out there -

What if they do say they'll kill Eriko or Yumi or Youko unless he tells them all he knows? He has nothing he can offer but the existence of those pages. If he mentions them then they'll target Ide and what if he hasn't destroyed them - what if he's only hidden them -

Mogi doesn't offer any suggestions about what Raito might do, which Aizawa is grateful for. _Stop it, _he tells himself. _Don't think about what they __**might**__ do. Then you're doing all the work for them. _The only way to stop thinking like this is to talk about something else, so he says, "You still didn't explain why you didn't ditch her as fast as possible. I realise Raito could've made trouble for her, but there's a limit to how much you can do when it's your life on the line."

"Yes, I know that."

"So what the hell were you thinking?"

Mogi sighs. After a few seconds, he comes to sit on the bunk, rests his arms on his knees.

"I imagine Raito will tell you if I don't," he says, at last. "Misa and I became involved."

"What? _Why?_"

"I think she was trying to keep my loyalty while she worked out what would help Raito the most."

"And you fell for it?" Aizawa can't believe it. He could believe that Matsuda might get knocked off-balance by such an obvious trick, but _Mogi - _Aizawa can count the mistakes he's made in their time as colleagues on one hand, and he certainly never seemed the type to get his head turned by a girl.

"I don't know what I did."

"It certainly sounds like you don't know what you were _doing_!"

"I know it was a mistake," Mogi says. "It..." And then, very quietly, "I thought I could trust her. I was wrong."

"You were distracted at the time?" Aizawa grits his teeth. Okay, so they've all been under stress, and Misa's a pretty girl or whatever, but you'd think - you'd expect someone to show _some _sense - and _Mogi _of all people - He is this close to letting go of his temper and pointing out exactly how much trouble his colleague's stupidity has got them all into, but he can yell and curse as much as he wants and it won't change a thing.

"I'm going to get some sleep," he says, trying to keep his voice level. "I imagine we're going to need it."

Mogi, of course, doesn't say anything. Which is sensible but leaves Aizawa feeling like there's more he wanted to say and so, when he's lying on the top bunk staring at the grimy ceiling and realising it was more comfortable sleeping in the car than in here, he finds himself saying, too loudly, "Ryuzaki thought she was the Second Kira."

Silence.

"Did you remember that? It would've been her who killed Ukita. It would've been her who murdered seven people or whatever just to get Raito's attention." Aizawa can feel the fury sticking in his throat. Mogi knows all this as well as he himself does. He knows that even if Misa's forgotten what she did, it still doesn't change the fact that she was capable of it, and therefore of doing absolutely anything in order to win points with Raito. And he chose to forget about it so he could get himself off? He chose not to think even a little about what he was risking?

If it wasn't for the fact that his colleague isn't denying it, Aizawa wouldn't have believed it. The anger is almost choking him now. _You're going to get me killed. You're going to get Ide and Matsuda killed and - what the hell that bastard's going to do to Eriko and Yumi and Youko - and you __**knew**__ how much you were risking and you just didn't give a damn - you figured your love life was more important -_

He rolls onto his side, rests his head on his arm. It's either try and sleep or _really _lose his temper. Although the rage is almost comforting. It gives him something to think about that's not just what's likely to happen tomorrow morning.

ooo

The kissing and the making out and stuff, that helps, while it's going on Matsuda can't think of anything else, especially not how bad things have got. And Ide kisses him and clutches at him and that sort of proves that at least he believes this situation isn't Matsuda's fault. If he did, he'd be too disgusted even to talk to him, let alone touch him in any way. And so every second it's like being told _it's okay, I believe you, I'm on your side, you're still one of the good guys. _

Of course afterwards all that reassurance drains away as the heat does. They're both just lying there now and Matsuda can feel how tense Ide's fingers are on his back. That helps a little, like that Ide is so scared, but in another way it doesn't because it shows that there really is something to be scared of.

They just lie there and Matsuda wants to ask _you do know it wasn't me, right? You do believe me? _but he doesn't think he'll be able to bear it if Ide doesn't say _yes. _So neither of them say anything and after a while it seems like Ide's fallen asleep for real, slumped and warm against Matsuda. Matsuda doesn't want to try and sleep; it's better to have his eyes open, keep his gaze darting round the cell, at the dim dusty light overhead and the rusty underside of the bunk above him and the outline of the door, almost disappeared in the shadows. It doesn't stop the thinking, but he's pretty sure closing his eyes would only make it worse.

Raito's going to ask him stuff. Ask him if he wants to help Kira. He'll remind Matsuda of all the stuff about Sato-san, about what will happen if Kira loses. And - and Matsuda won't listen, he's not going to fall for it again, he promised Ide and - when it comes down to it, Ide's been a hell of a lot nicer about this than he could've been and there's no way Matsuda can stab him in the back, not after all they've said. Raito is a liar and murderer and he won't help Matsuda anyway, not when it comes down to it. He _won't. _(There is no point in keeping that hope going, so he should just stop.)

So Matsuda won't say anything.

And then Raito will try and make him tell everything he knows.

_Not going to give in. Just not. Just can't. Said I wouldn't. _He keeps on with that, like it'll actually do some good. He can't give in because it will get everyone else killed and then he'll pretty much be a multiple murderer and - and Raito won't offer him any sort of deal or protection because he'll have had to be forced to give up the information and so he'll die too. So he's going to stay quiet and Raito will believe that, like Aizawa and Mogi, he knows nothing about where the notebook or any pieces from it are. He's being brave. He's making up for what he tried to do earlier, for being that much of a coward. But he is so scared.

Finally, after ages (although it doesn't seem like ages once it's over, it seems like such a short time that he was lying in the dark and if he wasn't _safe _he wasn't in actual danger right then) the lights blink on properly, filling the cell with cold light. It's still dark outside, but Matsuda can hear footsteps and voices, although it sounds like it's quite far away. It must be regular prisoners waking up and stuff. He wonders if there's any near them, whether anyone knows they're here. But it seemed silent last night and it seems quiet now as well. Raito would probably want them kept far away from anyone else, right? In case they gave something away... especially in a prison, where everyone would hate Kira. Although they wouldn't be too fond of police officers either, but hey, after all this it isn't like Matsuda's going to be welcome back there so it'll be fine. It'll be _fine - _oh _god - _

He bites down hard on his lower lip and then he finds himself shaking Ide awake without even thinking about it. The other man rolls onto his back and scowls at Matsuda, and for a moment everything feels almost normal, but the next minute Ide is glancing at their surroundings and Matsuda sees him swallow and then his face goes all I'm-not-going-to-think-about-this blank.

"Sounds like... like people are getting up," Matsuda says at last.

Ide nods, and after a bit he pulls himself into a sitting position.

"We don't know anything," he says, at last. "Raito will just have to accept that." Their eyes meet. Ide looks sick and pale and like he doesn't want anyone to talk to him, but pleading, too, like _you get it, right? I can trust you? _Matsuda makes himself nod, sort-of smile, _don't worry, I'm a good guy now. Not going to give in - _

He can't just sit there still thinking about it, so he scrambles to his feet, trying to kid himself he can do something other than wait. Moving doesn't really help, though; it's just waking him up, making him more aware of everything. The cell door is dull white and handleless and heavy-looking and he can pretty much cross the entire room in a few steps and this is _it, _all crushing down on him and they're going to, they're going to -

"You're not helping yourself," Ide says. "You look like you're going to be sick."

"Yeah... feel like it." He tries to sound flippant but in his head he's screaming _please don't make me do this, please, I swear I won't screw you over, just don't make me prove it like this - _

"Look -" Ide sounds like the word is shaken out of him, and he turns away, as if he can't bear to look at Matsuda being so useless. "Look, it just - whatever happens, if he did - and he might not, but if he did - it would just... he doesn't want us dead. Not yet. He... he wants... Whatever he did, it wouldn't kill us." He's trying to say it with his normal dismissive attitude, but isn't quite managing it. _He's scared too. They could do it to him too, it's not his fault, he doesn't want this either. _Matsuda swallows and says, "Yeah. Yeah, I know, I'm just... I just..."

"Sure." Ide looks back at him quickly like he doesn't want it spelled out but Matsuda suddenly feels like if he doesn't talk he'll start yelling or panicking or whatever and so he carries on, "I know I was a coward before but I'm... I want to be brave. I want to... I always wanted to... you know, be a hero and stuff and... and do the right thing and not just... just bail out 'cause it was tough. I know you won't believe me, but..."

"I'm guessing it was easier to do that before you started having doubts about Kira," Ide says. "Look, I know you're not going to... I know you'll..." But then he trails off, like he can't actually say _I know you won't let us down. _Matsuda tries not to think about what that suggests, tries not to get furious on top of all else. _Just keep saying stuff, _it has to be better than thinking it.

"I wanted... Like the Chief never - he never gave up and - I wanted to be like that and now it -" His throat closes up for a moment and he wonders if he will actually be sick through sheer nerves. Breathe in. Breathe out. The air is dry and smells of old sweat and disinfectant. "This isn't... what they'll do is, they'll - Ide, I'm so scared -"

"Stop it," Ide says.

"They'll..."

Ide stands up, marches towards him, grabs him by the shoulders.

"No, _stop,_" he says. "Don't start talking about how it's all _you. _It's not going to be any easier for me, okay? I'm as... I'm as scared as you. Aizawa and Mogi are too, I bet. You're assuming you're going to fail before anything has even - even happened. This just... we just have to... stand it, somehow, all right?"

It's then that they hear the footsteps.

The fear is icy hot and cold and Matsuda can't even move for a few seconds. Ide's fingers are suddenly digging into his arms and the other man is swearing under his breath. Matsuda reaches up and puts his hand on Ide's, not sure why, sorry almost, but Ide pulls away and stumbles back to sit on the cell bed. Matsuda's thoughts veer wildly from _well screw you I was only trying to be nice _to _he really is scared, scared as me _to _maybe it won't be us, please God maybe it won't be us _and his mind locks into repeating that one over and over again even as they hear the door unlocking.

It's two of the guys in dark suits, with the sunglasses and the guns as always, and they look at them both and Matsuda finds himself thinking _maybe it won't be me, maybe it won't be me yet _and then his thoughts shut down into a sort of whimpering because he can't believe he thought that.

They point at him and tell him to come forward.

At first he thinks he won't be able to, that his legs will just give up (_maybe they'll leave me alone if I just don't -) _(_you idiot_) but then he tries to walk forward and somehow manages it. They put the handcuffs on him again - not as tight as last night, good, that's a good thing, he's got to stay positive - and then one of them grips him by the arm and pulls him forward. Before he can consider whether to look back at Ide, they're outside the cell and the door is being shut and locked again. There's no one else around. And if there was, what would he do? It isn't like anyone would do anything to help him, not when he's clearly being punished for doing something to offend Kira. Only an idiot would get involved.

_Just can't give in. Just won't. That's all there is to it._

He stares at the floor for most of the journey. His shoes are scuffed and grubby by now, but he's still _walking, _his feet look just like they always do. That kind of helps, trying to pretend that everything is normal, that he's scared for no reason. It helps right up until they unlock another door and he walks through and sees Raito standing there, waiting for him.

Raito is still in the same clothes he was in last night; Matsuda wonders if he slept at all either. His eyes are bright and glinting and he's still picking at the edge of his suit, his fingers constantly twitching. Matsuda tries not to look at where his other hand used to be. He saw last night and Raito saw that he saw and even though he knew he was meant to hate Raito the sight of what he'd done made him feel dizzy and sick, he'd just ruined everything, he'd just screwed everything up from the start -

- this time he really can't walk and someone shoves him forward and he nearly trips. There's a chair there, a table - they push him to sit down, then, as always, they walk out, they stand on the other side of the glass, watching. Raito walks towards him. Stands looking down at him for a few seconds. He's smiling, a wide-eyed smile that kind of reminds Matsuda, in some odd way, of Mello. Behind him, Ryuk suddenly appears, walking through the wall. Matsuda blinks, tries not to look at him. Ryuk is making it seem like this is all a dream and Matsuda wants it to be so much and he can't start thinking like that, he can't, in dreams nothing really matters -

"You look tired," Raito says, gently.

Matsuda finds himself tensing up even though Raito hasn't said anything mean. He digs his nails into his palms, and, not sure what else to say, mutters, "Well... haven't had much sleep."

"No, I shouldn't think you have." Raito sits down at the other side of the table. "What happened earlier? You were cut off. I waited to see if you were going to get in touch again, but..."

Matsuda can feel the tension in his chest loosening, he's so desperate to see this as a good omen. _No. Just can't - promised - _He doesn't want to mention Ide's involvement in what happened. Raito will start going on about how if he's only doing it because Ide was _nice _to him - and, yeah, he might know about the sex stuff by now, right? He swallows.

"I... I changed my mind," he says. He sounds too loud, and he also sounds terrified. "I... I thought I heard someone coming so I hung up on you and I... thought about it, and changed my mind."

"Too scared to do the right thing?"

"I'm not... I'm not going to help you." Matsuda can feel his palms going hot and cold like someone's clutching them. "I mean now... now you know the plan anyway and... and you've got us so you don't need me to... I don't know anything else."

"So you keep saying." Raito gets up again, comes to stand by the chair. "Which part of the situation caused you to rethink things? It doesn't seem to me like you're any more assured of a future after all this. And I know you understand what Kira's trying to do. Maybe someone on the other side made you a better offer? Mello said he'd get you out of the country or something? Or were you just not brave enough to pick a side?"

"I've picked a -"

"For goodness sake. How is any of this what you wanted, Matsuda?" Raito is standing over him, impatient and contemptuous and Matsuda tries to summon up the fury he felt back in the warehouse but even the traces of it he can find through the fear aren't connected with Raito any more, they're targeted at himself, how stupid he's been -

Raito hits him round the face.

The shock of it hurts more than the pain at first. He stares up at Raito and Raito stares back, smiling, looking so confident and pleased with himself. It's almost like Matsuda just imagined it, is dreaming the bruise throbbing on his jaw.

"It's polite to answer when someone asks you a question," Raito says. "Now, tell me, Matsuda-san - is any of this what you wanted?"

Matsuda has shaken his head before he can think.

"Of course it isn't," Raito says. "You stayed on the Kira case because you wanted to hunt down criminals. You wanted to make the world a better place. You wanted to be on the good guys' side. Oh, and you wanted to impress my father, of course." His smile is thinner, sharper, now. "None of that... none of it really worked out for you, did it?"

Matsuda knows he's got to say something and he swallows to try and get his dry throat to work but then all he manages to come up with is, "That stuff wasn't my fault, it was _you -_"

"Really?" Raito leans a little closer to him. He smells different, of antiseptic and of, of hot skin,like he's ill. "Let's see. You admitted yourself that Kira has made the world far better than it was before. Instead of hunting down criminals, you murdered an innocent man in cold blood. You've allied yourself with the man who killed my father, and I can only imagine what _he_ would think of you if he could see you now. I gave you a chance to make amends for what you've done, and it seems that you've turned it down. What part of this is my fault rather than yours?"

Matsuda doesn't want to have this argument, he knows he'll lose it, but he _can't _give up already, he can't, and so he stammers, "Your dad wouldn't have died if you hadn't done what you did."

Raito's face goes all still and blank and Matsuda wants to say _I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, it's not true. _He reminds himself of how angry Ide would be to hear him think like this. _It's not my fault, it's Raito's, it's all his fault - _he makes himself glance at where Raito's hand used to be - _he should have died - he should have died - _He can feel he's not convincing himself, he knows perfectly well whose fault all of this is, but he promised he wouldn't give in and hating Raito is part of not giving in, he hates Raito and Raito hates him and so there's no way out but to stand this -

"It's true, isn't it?" he makes himself say. "You knew he wasn't going to stop looking for Kira until he was dead or you were! You knew and you just didn't _care! _You just wanted to - to feel all special and have people saying how great you were -"

Raito hits him again. He was kind of expecting it this time, trying to make Raito angry. "You're pathetic," he carries on, though his lip's cut and swollen up and he can't tell if he's still understandable. "I thought you were really smart and awesome and you're just - rotten -"

Raito grabs him by the hair this time, wrenches his head back, and he stops talking because he doesn't think he's ever seen someone this angry before.

"You've got a lot to say this morning, haven't you?" Raito says, very quietly. "And as usual, none of it means much. Tell me, Matsuda, are you going to give me the information I actually want, or are you going to let me down again?"

"I don't know where the stupid notebook is! Okay?"

"All right -" and Raito lets go of him and then he's going to the door, indicating for the men outside to come in. When he turns round again, he's smiling, as if the anger was never there. "But you've got a _terrible _memory, Matsuda-san. Perhaps Mello told you and you just forgot."

"I didn't..." Matsuda feels his voice dry up. Raito can just throw off the anger like it doesn't matter. It probably doesn't. Why would you care what someone says when you've got them locked up here and no one knows where they are and pretty much everyone thinks they should die anyway? Raito knows exactly how hollow all this stuff about picking a side is, how terrified Matsuda is behind it. He knew Matsuda was scared enough to betray everyone before and things have only got worse now.

_Don't care - promised - I promised -_

"Well... let's see." Raito is brisker now. Professional. He looks round at the two men. "You know that this man is an enemy of Kira. He's been instrumental in halting Kira's judgement. He's also the one who murdered an innocent man at that inn. The two of you have given me to understand that you're able to force him to comply with Kira's wishes. You know what I want you to do."

Matsuda finds himself closing his eyes, trying to block this out before he realises how much worse it will be if he can't see what's going to happen. The two men have walked over to him now; one of them is taking hold of his wrists and unclipping one of the cuffs. Then he's snapped the free bracelet round the arm of the chair. The other guy takes out another pair of cuffs and does the same to Matsuda's other wrist. Then the first guy walks round to stand by the table and there's a clatter as he puts something down. Like a pair of big-bladed scissors. _Secataurs, _Matsuda's mind supplies a moment later. He remembers, like he hasn't thought about it for years, that his mother owned some for cutting back plants. Roses. When he was very little and used to follow her round while she was gardening. Helping. You just set the blades around the branch and squeezed -

"It really hurt, you know." Raito sounds distant, absent-minded. "You forget, you don't realise that they only shoot you full of painkillers _after _you've got to hospital. While you're waiting, it really hurts."

The strip lights glint in the blades. The grip is plastic, dark blue. Matsuda can't stop looking at them. He thinks he knows. He thinks he knows and he can feel the horror rising up his throat. _He __**can't**__, he - people don't - _

"Well?" Raito says. "You're not so stupid you haven't worked it out, I'm sure. Didn't you ever hear Ryuzaki talking about _an eye for an eye_? No different from what you did to me, except that this will break the process down into its component parts, as it were. Do you have anything you want to say to me?"

Matsuda makes himself think about Ide's expression if, when they take him back, he says, _well, I was all ready to keep my mouth shut but he threatened to chop off my fingers so I told him about those pages and now we're all going to die. _Ide will be all _typical, I shouldn't have expected anything better from a traitor like you. I gave you a chance and you just screwed me over again - _

He wants to be a good guy. He wants to be brave. He wants to make up for what he did before, he deserves this considering earlier he was happy to let a bunch of people die so he could be safe. Just because you want to do the right thing doesn't mean it will be _easy _or _nice_, right?

(And - oh god, maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll be brave, he'll be able to stand it. And then people will be impressed, that's a good thing, right?)

He grits his teeth and he can feel his breath all shaky under his ribs and then a second later Raito says, "All right, then -" and then, to the two men, "Go ahead."

Everything seems very bright and clear suddenly and yet at the same time all he can see is the light curved and reflected in the secataurs, in the blades and the blue grip, tilting and then rushing away as one of the men picks them up. _Can't be. He won't. _His palms are soaked with sweat. The smooth feel of that sort of grip under your hands. His mother had let him hold the handles, snip off a branch. Cold blades against the first joint of the little finger on his right hand. Just cold, that's nothing new, that's nothing, _they won't, they __**won't**_

You squeeze the handles tightly and _snip_

Everything goes slow in his head. There's the sudden awareness that _oh god it's happened _and then, then the noticing the pain sliding down his finger into his hand and arm like someone's hammering a nail through the bone and then there's not noticing it's just that the pain is all there is. And at the same time he is calmly watching and thinking that there is a lot of blood and thinking, _stupidly_, that he's not going to get that fingertip, fingernail back, and that's weird, and -

Suddenly time jumps back to normal and he's _scared _and he's screaming and it keeps _hurting - _

Raito is saying something. Matsuda gulps down air and tries, he tries to stop the screaming. It doesn't stop exactly, it gets shoved down into his throat and keeps trying to get out as shaky little gasps. Raito smiles, sympathetically, repeats himself: "Do you understand now?" Ryuk scuttles over to study the blood dotting the tabletop, reaches out a clawed finger to prod the severed fingertip. Matsuda can't look at it any more; he wrenches his gaze back to Raito, but Raito only looks at him pityingly and then turns to the men and says, "All right. Carry on unless he indicates that he wants to tell us something."

Matsuda doesn't want to watch but he can't stop staring. The blades of the secataurs are already bloodstained. The table's covered in splashes of blood too and then in the centre - and then he feels the cold blades settle round the next joint of his little finger and there's just that, only that only this time there's more waiting, it seems like they settle against his skin for ages before they start to slide closed -

You only had to struggle, squeeze hard, if it was a thick branch, and then you dug your palms in and it snapped off it _just snapped off_ - It shouldn't be as bad this time, you should be used to it, but it seems to hurt worse, like he knew what was coming and he's yelling so much like that will help like when you're on a rollercoaster but his throat's already dry and the pain's already louder than he could ever be. It's when they're cutting off the third joint of that finger that he starts screaming _please stop please _(or at least, becomes aware of doing so, perhaps he's been doing it without realising since they began). Raito looks at him sympathetically and says, "I can't, Matsuda. Do you understand? Only you can make this stop." There's already so much blood and _so much blood _it serves him right, all the blood on the wall back at the inn and he's screaming that he didn't want to, that he takes it back, he's begging to drop the gun and surrender but it doesn't work - they're putting the blades round the first joint of his next finger. Their faces haven't changed, and suddenly Matsuda wonders if maybe he can't change _anything, _if none of this is even real except the pain, he can yell all he wants but Raito will still be standing there smiling and Ryuk snickering and the two men won't even be smiling, they will be looking bored like there's something else they'd rather be doing instead.

And then the pain comes down again, slowly eating up his hand and his breathing sticks in his throat because of it. The small rectangular chunks of skin and bone on the table, lying in the blood, they catch on his vision and _bits, bits of flesh _he realises he's going to be sick, doubles over. Not much comes up, he hasn't eaten for hours. It burns his throat. _Please _he tries to say again _please _but it hurts to speak now. He keeps trying to pull his hand back - he isn't thinking that it might work, he's just doing it like he's an animal or something trying to get away, the handcuff chain rattles. Blood, thick drops, shaken onto the floor. Rose petals, the snap of a branch, and _get out _he thinks he yells at one point, his mother's hands soft on his and she guides them round the handles and he squeezes them tight and more pain bursts into flower and _stop it, _Matsuda screams at them, the figures standing in the sunlit garden, _stop -_

For what seems like a long time, Raito just watches him, face half-pleased, half-nervous like a child's at a bonfire. _Second joint. _Matsuda thinks he blacks out for a few seconds, although the light's been steadily darkening like a bruise anyway. He falls down into the dark, no, he's fleeing down into it, and then just as he thinks he's got away they drag him back up. _Third joint. _Cold water in his face and he's back and one of them hits him lightly, like to see if he's awake again. Then turns back to his hand. _First joint - _of his middle finger, this time, this can't keep happening, they'll go on til there's nothing left -Ryuk's disappeared by now, probably got bored, but Matsuda thinks he keeps seeing him anyway as everything goes dark and cracked, keeps trying to splinter, it _can't _all hold together, it _can't - _

Raito is standing behind him now, hands on his shoulders, and he leans down and whispers, "Matsuda... this isn't helping anyone." The words rise and fall in Matsuda's ears like the sea. "I mean... look at the facts. It isn't as if this is going to stop if you're just brave." They're waiting. "They haven't even completed one hand yet. Twenty-one more joints left, Matsuda, look... you can count them. And after that, they'd only move on to your toes. I'm told that's even more painful."

_Just have to stand it, _Ide is saying in Matsuda's head,but that's _stupid, _it doesn't mean anything. Of course it's easy to say that when it's not happening_. _It doesn't mean anything when they're chopping bits off you and the pain's bad enough you can't feel the rest of you. It doesn't fucking mean anything -

"Look," Raito says, and his hand, the fingers cool, touches Matsuda's face, tilts his head towards the table. "Look at all that blood. Look at how much you've lost already."

"I _can't_," Matsuda hears himself wail, "I can't, I _can't -_"

"It's all right," says Raito, gently, and he sounds just like he always used to, polite and kind and like Matsuda actually matters to him, like he should bother being nice. "It's all right. No one could. No one can stand up to this. And who'd want to? Think how useless you'll be if you let this carry on. We're not going to go anywhere until you've told me everything you know that I might find useful. We're going to stay here, all of us, and they're going to keep on cutting off the joints. It's not going to get any easier. It's not going to hurt any less. Just think about it." His breath is warm against Matsuda's face; warm and a little shaky. "Just think about how long it's going to take and what it's going to feel like. What it's going to _look _like."

Blood and he feels sick and scared and he's struggling, trying to get away, _somehow, _but Raito's hands on his shoulders are tightening, pushing him down and he's saying, "_No, _Matsuda. There's only one way out of this."

"No, I can't..."

"Yes, you can. You can make all of this stop. It's really easy."

And Matsuda _knows, _he knows how easy it is and that's why he starts begging again, because he can feel the truth growing up under all the other words and if he tries to stop it then this will keep on going and it will never stop.

"Twenty-one times more," Raito says. "That's all that's just happened, again, three more times."

Matsuda feels the words run out, leaving behind just gasps, each one like a punch in the chest. Like he's running away from something only it's caught him up in a few yards.

"No?" Raito says. "All right, then. Carry on."

In his head Matsuda's trying to run away. Or, or be the part of you behind your eyes that watches and comments even while the rest of your mind is caught up in what's actually happening. Always there, it, it thought that about Ryuk being bored, it - he - _not me, just watching - _

But there isn't. There isn't anything. Just _him _and it will keep going and he will keep _feeling _it, whatever they do to him and there's _nowhere else to go, _not into his own head, not anywhere, there's nothing else but this and he has to make it stop -

Slipping and stumbling on the words like they're wet leaves. Something like _I can't, I can't, I promised I wouldn't and you'll __**kill**__ us, you'll kill all of us _and yet no matter how much he says it, none of it means anything, just like _have to stand it _doesn't mean anything. Because they're not stopping, one of them is holding his hand still and he can already feel the blades lining up against his knuckle, and Raito is whispering, "But if you don't tell, then this is going to carry on. It's starting again already."

_I can't, _he explains, _I can't screw up again, I wanted to pay him back, he was nice to me _and Raito says, "But you didn't know this was going to happen then, did you? No one is going to be angry with you just for trying to make this stop."

He knows that's not true. He's not that stupid. And he _hates _them, they're making him choose like this and - _so easy for them - they'll hate me like this was so easy to cope with -_

Another _snip -_

He doesn't _care _any more what they'll think of him he doesn't _care -_

And Raito is there with him, in the pain, fingers tightening on his shoulders, and whispering, "You don't have to do this, Matsuda. Please, don't put yourself through this. No one else will mind, I promise. You've already been brave enough. You can stop."

_It's not true, _but he can't remember why it's not true and before he can think about it, he's opened his mouth (because he _wants _to believe it) (and why the hell shouldn't he? No one's ever said _you can stop trying, you've done enough _before) and said, "We had some pieces of the notebook - we had them hidden -"

He's shaking and sick, he knows he shouldn't be saying this but at the same time there's a horrible glee in doing so, in just doing something _he _wants -

_you did everything wrong_

"Where did you hide them?" Raito says, softly.

"In the van, in -"

_Ide said he trusted you -_

He grabs at the sentence and wrenches it somewhere else, away from the truth, "Under the passenger seat, under the carpet..."

Seems like it's silence for hours, then, finally, "Whose idea was it to take them?" Raito asks.

"It... Ide's. He just... he just took them. Just had them. All the time."

"And then you hid them?"

"We thought... we thought we weren't going to need them. Tonight. He said he... he was worried Mello would find them, he wanted..." He can't remember what Ide wanted, and he panics, clutching at memories and they fall through his fingers like the blood dripping over what's left of his right hand and oh _god oh god _he's so scared -

"And did anyone else know about them?" Raito says, gently.

He... he shouldn't say. He shouldn't be answering all these questions but... but he can't think of what to say that's not the truth. And... and he told a lie and so if he tries to tell more then Raito will know, it's okay, it's _okay _he can tell everything else as long as he gets away with one lie. "Aizawa knew... he knew that we had them. He didn't know we'd hidden them... or... or anything else."

"Yes." Raito is stroking his shoulder absently. "You and Ide have a lot of secrets from him, don't you?"

Matsuda can't work out what he's talking about; Raito sounds smug, like Matsuda's given up loads of important information, or perhaps it's a coded question, perhaps if Matsuda doesn't say the right thing then it'll start again and _please, _he's whimpering, _please, I don't know, I'm sorry -_

Raito laughs, and says, "You were being monitored last night. I wasn't aware that either of you were... like that."

Matsuda waits and watches but Raito's face doesn't change, he just smiles, he isn't angry. Just probably would be like if he'd found out and things were normal, just - No, no, he's not going to think about _normal. _It's okay. It's not bad that Raito knows, right? Ide even _said _about them probably being watched, but he didn't stop or anything, so... so this isn't Matsuda's fault. He's doing okay. He's doing okay - and that doesn't really mean much either, it's just words, but he thinks it anyway because if he doesn't he thinks he'll be so scared he won't be able to stand it. "Don't... I don't know why. It isn't... it was just something that happened."

"And how long has it been happening?"

"Don't... don't remember." He's just moved his fingers - what's left of them - and it was a mistake, pain is pulsing through them even more and he can feel the blood, oozing thick and hot. "While... while we were hiding." It's no good, he _is _scared and he can't stop being scared, he's drowning in it. His breath is coming in little gasps and he feels like everything that's not fear is pouring out of him along with the blood. Oh god what if he just bleeds to death, what if Raito just stands there and watches him bleed to death -

But Raito is walking round to face him again, businesslike, and the two other men have straightened up like they're about to start packing away and leaving. Matsuda tries to look like someone should look who's still keeping something back, who's being smart. _Brave. Not scared. Someone who, who knows they've said all there is to say, someone who's not a liar - _he's shaking, the chains of the handcuffs are rattling slightly against the arms of the chair. The pool of blood is growing wider under his palm.

"Very well," says Raito. "So... do you think you've told me everything I should know?"

_This is it. _Matsuda grits his teeth and tries to squash down the fear. Just look into Raito's eyes and sound confident and, and sure and stuff. "Yes." _It's fine... I'm doing fine..._

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then suddenly the sympathetic, _normal _look on Raito's face is gone and he's staring coldly down as he says, "I don't believe you."

"You..." His throat's so dry by now that he can't get any sound out. But he's not sure what he'd say anyway. _Why? What did I do wrong? Please, you have to -_

"I don't believe you," Raito says again. "I think that you're keeping something back, or that you've lied to me in some respect. Because that's the kind of stupid thing you'd do believing it to be heroic. So. These gentlemen will continue with their work until you've worked out what it was that you got wrong."

_No, no, _he is screaming already, begging even though his voice stumbles and cracks and _three more times, all this three more times _and Raito will _know, _Raito will know whatever he says is a lie and he _can't _he can't _do this any more - _he feels someone pressing his hand down onto the table, feels his fingertips sliding on the damp metal as he struggles, and then he feels the blades against the remains of his middle finger and he knows how hard they're going to have to squeeze to take it off and that's when the words start. He's saying lots of stuff, stuff about Ide and about Mello and Mikami and about Raito's dad, anything and everything and it isn't working, oh god, oh _god _it isn't working, it'll just keep on and on and - from far away he remembers how to make it stop -

Everything goes strange and red and sick and for a few minutes he doesn't know where he is any more, just that he's talking and he has no idea what he's saying.

And then the talking stops. The talking stops and as it does, everything else starts calming down too. The room around him. He aches all over like he's been running for hours and his hand feels torn open, flayed and smashed and and as he thinks about that the room lurches again so he stops, focuses on his unsteady breathing, his raw throat. He's still sitting in the chair. One of the men is holding his arm still, but the other isn't holding the secataurs any more; instead, he's wrenched up Matsuda's blood-stained sleeve and is binding bandage tightly round his wrist, tight enough to hurt. _Oh thank god - _and then of course he catches it up, works it out, it'll be a trick, they'll start again with the other hand, it's a trick - the bandage round his wrist tightens painfully - they're pulling it taut with a stick - and he cries out without meaning to.

More bandage is being wrapped round the stumps of his fingers now; the pain flickers and jumps as it's touched. He tries not to make any noise, it'll get worse, this shouldn't be hurting at all after what's already happened but it _is, _it _- _He can't look at what the men are doing, he can't see them picking up the secataurs again, and he's squeezing his eyes shut but suddenly he hears the door open and close, and looks up to see that the two men have walked out, are standing and watching him from behind the glass again. One is saying something, but he can't tell what. But they've gone away. They've gone and it's just him and -

He looks round. Raito is leaning against the wall, watching him. It makes him gasp, and he realises that he's been crying, is still crying, and the sobs hurt his throat. He swallows; tries to stop. Being _pathetic, _crying in front of Raito.

"There," Raito says. "Isn't it better when you finally decide to be honest?"

Matsuda stares at him, not sure what he means. He hasn't even _said _anything for ages.

"It's all right." Raito straightens up, walks over to him. "It's stopped now. You told me what I needed to know, and so it stopped. Just like I said it would."

Matsuda stares at him.

_I don't remember, _he wants to say. _I think I blacked out. _And so whatever he did doesn't count, it's like talking in your sleep -

_Don't be stupid, you know what you did, you gave in, you __**know**__ - _

"In the wall behind the glove compartment, I think you said?" Raito says.

"I didn't -" But that's ridiculous, how else would Raito know? And Raito doesn't even bother to point that out, he just smiles and says, "You see? You were keeping something back. Why on earth did you decide to be so stupid? You'd still have almost three fingers left if you'd been sensible. After all, the outcome was the same either way."

Matsuda can't look at him any more, can't take the understanding in his face. He stares at the floor instead, at the spots of blood dotted around his feet. He knows he should be saying _something, _he can't just stay silent forever, and Raito will get mad if he does, but he doesn't know what to say. It's like all the words in his head were thrown out when he was yelling earlier. When he was giving in.

"Oh..." Raito's voice is gentler now, kinder, and Matsuda bites down on his lip because he knows what Raito's going to say - "I know. You thought you were going to be a hero, didn't you? You thought that it was like a _game_.That if you held out a little longer, someone would come to rescue you. Look at me -" His voice is cold suddenly, and Matsuda hastily wrenches his head up. Their eyes meet. Raito is smiling, looking so neat and clean and young, like all the bad stuff on him has been washed away, and Matsuda can feel suddenly how much blood and filth is crusted on him and his clothes.

"Yes, that's what you thought," Raito said. "And perhaps you rationalised that if you were a hero, it wouldn't matter that you were doing it for the wrong side. If you act like one of the _good guys, _all your sins will be forgiven. That's why you changed your mind about helping me, as well. Right?"

That was actually a question but Matsuda doesn't know what Raito wants him to say to it and so he just stammers out "I'm sorry..." and as he says it he realises how stupid it is to think you can apologise for all the things he's done.

"For what? Thinking that anyone would care about how _brave _you were?"

_Stop saying it like that, _Matsuda wants to beg, because he knows how true it is. He was dreaming of being able to go back to Ide and tell him how well he'd done and say _look, I didn't fuck it up this time, you can trust me..._

He'll - he'll have to tell Ide what's happened. Less than twenty-four hours after the last betrayal and already he's fucked up again and thinking about it makes him want to scream, or claw his throat out or something, and so instead he stares up at Raito and he says (and does he want to hear _no _or _yes_?), "You're... you're going to kill me now, aren't you?"

"What do you think?"

"I know - I know you are." Raito's _not _going to help him. He's not. There's no way, at any rate, that Matsuda's going to show how part of him is still clinging onto that hope. "You were going to get all of us killed in the warehouse and... and now you... now everyone hates us anyway."

"Everyone knows that you're criminals, yes." Raito folds his arms, studies Matsuda with a mixture of pity and irritation. "And you're correct; I intend to punish you in the way you deserve."

Putting it like that is like another blow to the face even though it's not like he didn't already _know _he deserves it. Raito is looking irritated again: "What, you don't agree? I'm sorry, did I misunderstand the part where you gunned down an unarmed member of the general public in order to save your own skin and the others then helped hide you from the law? Or the part where you appropriated the source of Kira's power and left the innocents of the world unguarded?" An exasperated sigh, and then, scornfully, with all the contempt in his voice Matsuda could never believe he didn't feel: "Tell me, have you bothered to watch the news at all while you've been pretending to be an outlaw? Do you know how many murders and assaults there've been since Kira's judgements halted? Perhaps you'd like to tell the victims how you don't deserve to die. Perhaps you'd like to try and explain how you made all that suffering possible because you _wanted to be a hero. _You certainly don't seem to be doing a very good job of explaining it to me."

"It's... it's not..." _It's not like that, _he wants to say, _I was doing it because it's the right thing to do, it wasn't just because I wanted to have everyone think I was cool, it __**wasn't**__ - _Except that it _was; _every time he's felt resentful at the late hours or frustrated by the lack of progress or scared that one day he'll just drop dead in the street he's told himself _it's okay, you're just being brave, being one of the good guys - there are always tough times when you're one of the good guys - _And how the hell can he justify himself when they both know he abandoned any principles he might have had to try and save himself?

"I really wouldn't bother to lie again," Raito says, looking away now as if Matsuda is disappointing him. "That hasn't worked out well so far. You might as well admit you've let both sides down. And then you had the nerve to talk as if my father would have understood your decisions while condemning mine. How can you think you've got any right to talk like you were so special to him?"

Matsuda remembers how he was all _your dad wouldn't have died _and he wishes he could just black out, collapse, right now, going in so _arrogant_ - that's the worst of it, not just being evil but constantly being so useless at it, going from one side to the other, to the Chief, to Raito, to Ide, begging for someone to be nice to him, help him, hold his hand and walk him through things and then he's given _one chance, one chance _to make good, to not make a mistake for once in his life and he screwed it up -

He has to speak because if he doesn't, Raito might think he hasn't got this, is still going along kidding himself that what he did isn't so bad and so he gulps and tries to get some air in his lungs as he stammers out, "I'm sorry - I'm sorry, please -"

"You don't deserve forgiveness."

Matsuda hears himself whisper, "You don't mean that..." even though the hurt of it is almost comforting because he pretty much expected it. Raito owes him _nothing. _

Raito crosses the room in a few steps until he's right in front of Matsuda.

"Yes, I do," he says, without anger now. "You don't deserve forgiveness. You deserve death. And that's what you want, now, isn't it? Now you've realised."

"I..." The walls and the smell of blood seem to crush him for a moment; he gasps for breath, and doing that makes him realised how tired he is, how much he wants to _stop, _just everything _stop_, every day he seems to do something more awful_ - _"I know. I know but I'm... I'm scared... I'm so scared..."

"That's all right. It's because you haven't fully accepted it yet. You're still trying to convince yourself you're worth something. Once you give up on that, it'll be easier."

Matsuda doesn't think he believes that things will ever be easier, but Raito is smart enough to know this kind of stuff, isn't he? So he nods, and then - perhaps just because he doesn't want Raito to stop talking to him, doesn't want to have to be taken out of here and have everyone else hate him too - he risks another question: "When... when is it going to happen?"

"I don't know the exact timing yet. I need to liaise with NHN." A pause, like he expects Matsuda to have worked something out, but Matsuda has no idea what that something is, and so Raito carries on, "Your deaths have to be witnessed. Explaining it like he's talking to a child. "After the publicity all this has had, it needs to be established that Kira's power is still absolute."

Matsuda doesn't want to say it, but Raito is very close to him, watching sympathetically, and he doesn't sound angry any more and - perhaps he'll just laugh and say _oh, don't be silly, I wouldn't do that - _

"You're going to have us on... on TV," he says. "And... and kill us there."

"That's right. Of course, it will be upsetting for your families, but -"

_Families. _Matsuda thinks of his dad watching this, of everyone _knowing _what a waste of space his younger son is - his hand, they'll see his hand, know what was going on, _know I gave in, I was too weak, _people will _remember, Akihiro Matsuda's kid, I ran into him a few times, I always thought he was useless - _

"No -" he's yelling. "Please, please, you can't - you don't understand - I don't mind, I'll - you can kill me any time or - or I'll do it myself, any way you want, but just not that, not that _please -_"

Raito hits him across the face again; this time perfectly calmly, and Matsuda tries to catch his breath but his thoughts are boiling over, they'll _see, _everyone will _know - _he wants to shut up, he wants to act like an adult for once but he can't. Raito just stands and watches him and once Matsuda has run out of breath enough that he can't talk any more, speaks again.

"I understand perfectly," he says. "When someone commits a crime, it's not just their victims who suffer. The criminal's family does as well. That's another reason why Kira has to exist. People continue to do things because _they _want to, because they're selfish, and they don't even care about how many other people they hurt in the process. Perhaps they will if the shame of what they've done is made explicit. Perhaps you would have thought differently if you'd known this was coming."

_I'll do it myself, _Matsuda thinks, or maybe he says, _I'll do it myself, got to be some way - _

"No," Raito says, and he leans close so that his face is inches away from Matsuda's and his eyes are narrowed and Matsuda is struggling to back away before he can think, "you will do _nothing _stupid, do you hear me? All it would convey is how you're still deluding yourself that you're heroic. That you somehow deserve to have your honour restored. No one would believe it, Matsuda. It would just be obvious how stupid you are, thinking you can avoid facing up to your sins. And I doubt it would make the others any fonder of you."

Silence for a second, and Raito says, surprisingly patiently, "Do you understand?"

It's like Matsuda suddenly _does, _like all the things he didn't get his entire life have fallen into place and he looks around and... none of it was really anything anyway. He's stopped. He's stopped crying and gasping for breath and the air feels thin and tired and like everything is over already so what's the point in making a fuss?

_Say something, __**say**__ something - _

"Sorry -" he begins, and then, "Yes -" and then "Sorry -" again because even he can tell he's making no sense. But Raito just smiles at him and - Matsuda knows he _shouldn't _but - he smiles back. He smiles back and then he feels the smile breaking up because what is he - what is he _doing, _he shouldn't - he and Raito are meant to hate each other but he _can't, _he can't -

"It's all right," Raito says, and actually pats him on the head, strokes his hair. "Everything's going to be all right now. Kira's world is here and everyone's going to be happy. You don't need to worry about anything any more. Dying won't be frightening, because you'll know you deserve it." He considers for a second, then: "I know you'll understand that. Because you understand why Kira is needed, don't you?"

Matsuda doesn't think he understands anything much right now but he manages to take another gulp of air and then nod.

"Now, that's enough talking," Raito says at last. I have a lot to do."

ooo

The door unlocks and for what seems like years the guys in suits are just staring at them both, _taking their fucking time about it, _Ide thinks, and at the same time that's good, just being watched is fine, it's what's coming next he's scared of, and god, what if Raito actually - no, there is no _if, _Raito _will - _

They point at Matsuda.

Ide's hardly able to stay upright, the relief crashes over him like a wave. By the time he's reminding himself that in no way means he's off the hook, Matsuda has already taken a couple of shaky steps forward and now Ide's remembering what the guy just said about wanting to be brave and how scared he is and - god, and how stupid he is about Raito -

But Matsuda doesn't look round, he's just marched out and the door slams shut behind him and Ide takes a deep breath and exhales into his hands and tries really hard not to think about anything but _now. _About how he's hungry and his mouth is dry and he could really do with some coffee. And a shower. And being somewhere that's not a cell. He goes over and over that sort of thing but even as he does it becomes desperate, running from one sensation to another, anything not to think about what could be going on out there. Or what could be happening to him next. If Matsuda keeps anything back, they'll try and get it out of Ide instead - hell, even if Matsuda tells them everything he knows they might still - just to be sure - and once one of them has spilled the beans, then they and Aizawa and Mogi will all be killed.

And then of course to distract from all that he starts saying, he starts saying to himself, _if you had those pages with you now, would you use them? _Testing the idea like it's a sore tooth, waiting to see when he'll get the stab of horror at the idea. It doesn't come. To have the papers in his hands, to draw blood from a finger, to trace Raito's name, to know that the bastard was going to die within a minute - a chance to save yourself - or at least to hit back, take him down with you if his followers decided you knew too much -

_I'd do it. I'd do it and then I'd burn the damn things and that'd be it. _He wonders if he would - burn them, that is. Things have already gone to hell so fast he's not exactly got confidence in them not continuing to get worse. It's all very well to - to say to people that morally, academically, philosophically you shouldn't have that power, but if someone else has it, or is after it, and they've backed you into a corner... He remembers what Raito said to Aizawa, how sick his friend had looked at the implied threat. _Even he wouldn't give me a hard time about it, not in this situation. Hell, he'd probably thank me, now that things have got this bad. _When it comes down to it - the world has forced him into this, no one would condemn him for it, no one would even _know - _

And of course this is all fucking pointless because he doesn't have those pages and there's no way he's going to get them so why is he trying to kid himself there's any way out? He should be trying to, whatever, trying to prepare for questioning, or for Raito appearing and telling him he's going to die in forty seconds, or maybe not even that, maybe he'll just be sitting here waiting and suddenly collapse. His chest aches a little at the thought. He tries to hear his own heartbeat, so steady, there's no reason for it suddenly to stop. He doesn't want to die. He can't die, he - it - it's not _time _yet - which of course was no doubt what all of Raito's victims thought, what the vast majority of humanity has thought if they get a chance to realise what's about to happen, and you'd think an experience which you know you'll share with so many millions of others wouldn't still seem this frightening -

Still silence outside.

Matsuda may be an idiot but he can be unexpectedly resourceful at times. Like that stunt with the Yotsuba Group. Or giving his name to Mello as L. Maybe he'll have kept it together. Or come up with some kind of convincing story that will at least buy them time. Like how he came out with all that stuff to Mariko Sato to explain why Aizawa was looking so drained at the time. Except that was before he made a number of really stupid decisions that exploded in his face and left him pretty much convinced Kira's his only hope. And Raito knows that. And there's no point in going over all this again. Hell, even if Ide and Matsuda manage to bluff it out, Aizawa knows about those pages too. Raito will tell him his family's lives hang in the balance, he'll say what he has to in order to save them, and then Raito will ask Ide what he did with the pages and -

Every way you map it out, it comes back to the same conclusion.

Still no one coming back. Is that good? Suggests Matsuda hasn't just blurted everything out because he's reverted to his earlier pro-Kira stance. Although Ide's not sure why that should be a good thing. Perhaps just because it makes his own willingness to trust the man look a little less stupid. Whatever. Nothing bad is happening right this second. This is just waiting. And that's what he ends up with, that at _this second _he is still breathing and nothing horrible has happened. Breathe in, and breathe out, and so far, nothing's stopping him.

Until he hears the footsteps and then even though he tries to keep his breathing calm it judders and sticks in his throat and his chest tightens as the sounds get closer and closer and then of course they stop outside the door and the lock rattles and Ide just thinks _they're going to - _and doesn't even need to finish the sentence before fear tears through him like something's grabbing his insides and twisting them into a knot. The door is already opening despite that and he wants to look like he doesn't give a damn what Raito's got to say or at least like he's not scared but he can't, he stares at the floor instead, he's not going to give Raito the satisfaction of looking into his face as he breaks whatever horrible news there is.

He can just see Raito's feet out of the corner of his eye; and those of two of the men in sunglasses; and Matsuda's. So Matsuda's still standing at least - and he tilts his head a little and then he sees the blood splatters all over the man's clothes and he freezes, he can't turn his gaze away, because all can think is _what have they done - _

Raito clears his throat - it's almost a laugh - and says, "Ide... I thought you believed using the notebook at all was morally wrong. Isn't that what you said?"

There's no way Raito would sound that happy if Matsuda hadn't told him something he could use. Ide grits his teeth hard enough to make his jaw ache because the last thing he wants to do is throw up through sheer terror. Or break down and start begging for his life. And he's not at all sure either of those things are outside the realm of possibility.

A sudden movement out of the corner of his eye and then Matsuda cries out, voice cracked and aching, and Ide has looked up before he can stop himself and any hope he had that he could put on a calm face is dashed as he looks properly at Matsuda. The guy looks barely conscious, held between the two black-suited bodyguards - his lip's cut, his face swollen and bruised, and one hand is - it's wrapped in blood-speckled bandages, but something's not right with the shape of it. Raito has just let go of it, the bastard clearly twisted Matsuda's wrist or something, and now he smiles, eyes glittering.

"It would make this conversation a lot easier if you answered when I asked you a question," he says. "So tell me - did you say you believed using the notebook at all was morally wrong?"

Ide hates him and wants that to be all he's feeling but under it there's slow miserable terror because he thinks he knows why Raito is asking. That's why he doesn't try and bluff it out or argue back, he just nods, finding himself unable to keep meeting Raito's gaze, _go on, just say it, just fucking say it, _but even now he's hoping maybe he's wrong, maybe there's still hope -

"So do tell me why you felt the need to carry pages from it with you." Raito pauses, like he's waiting to see the impact of his words, like he really thinks Ide might not have been smart enough to work out what this is leading up to. "Or were you considering becoming a new Kira?"

Matsuda is staring at Raito, and he's actually whispering _sorry, sorry, _and tensing like he expects to be punched in the face and so Ide quickly says, "I don't need a lecture from you of all people," and then, pathetically, "I thought it might be useful." Even as he says it, his throat tightens, and Raito smiles and says, "Well, I think we can agree it's been _that._"

Ide forces himself to scowl, roll his eyes like he thinks it was an idiotic remark to make. He has a horrible feeling that if he doesn't at least pretend he's mainly angry he'll stop being anything other than scared. Matsuda is dead-white, still watching them both. Ide can't quite make himself keep looking at Raito.

"Don't act like you have nothing to blame yourself for," the man says. "You're as complicit in the deaths of the task force as Matsuda and Mogi are." A sigh. "I can't imagine what Aizawa's reaction will be once the truth comes out."

Ide really doesn't want to speculate on it, so he snaps, "I'm sorry, I think I'd rather blame you than any of us for what's going to happen. Seeing as you'll be the one writing down the names and all." Or have they already been written down? Is Raito waiting for him and Matsuda to suddenly collapse at his feet? _Just stand there watching us - _And he carries on, trying to drown out that thought: "I mean it's a bit late to try and make me see the error of my ways, right? A few - a few minutes isn't enough to -"

"Minutes?" Raito sounds so scornful that Ide actually does manage to look him in the face, simple irritation at being talked to like he's an idiot blocking out the terror. Raito has probably spent the last five years being privately incredulous at his colleagues' stupidity. Must be a relief to be able to get it out in the open - "Really, Ide, you overestimate NHN's organisational skills. It'll be at least an hour or so, I would imagine. It takes time to set up a live broadcast, even if Kira's ordered it."

It seems like ages before Ide realises that he's staring at Raito like an idiot and far back in the depths of his mind someone yells at him to snap out of it, stop letting Raito see the effect he's having, but he can't, he can't think what to say. To be shoved in front of a camera, to die on _national TV _for god's sake - and once that's happened there'll be no going back, no one will be able to admit he didn't deserve death because then that would mean admitting how fucked-up the situation was. This is it, this is the end of line - he's not only going to be killed, he'll be remembered as someone who was justly punished -

Raito is smiling, and then he's turning to the bodyguards, motioning them to let go of Matsuda, who doesn't move. The bodyguards are already leaving, and Raito makes to follow them, but then he glances back, looking so fucking proud of himself and so satisfied with the situation that Ide's horror is almost overtaken by the urge to get up, grab Raito by the hair and slam his face into the wall a few times.

"It looks like you're finally realising what it means to defy Kira," Raito says. "I'm sorry it's taken you this long. And... I'm sorry I can't spare your lives, but you've been given too many chances."

He pauses, like he expects them to grab onto that sentence, start begging. Ide curls his hands into fists and tries not to think because he is _not _going to fall for something like that, it wouldn't work anyway, he is _not - _

"You're insane," he says, and he thinks of Soichiro Yagami's perfect son and of how childlike, how _gleeful _Raito is sounding now and he realises the bastard actually believes everything he's saying and he feels sick that somehow Raito got to this point without anyone noticing. "You are completely mad and I bet everyone around you knows it. Or if they don't, they'll soon figure it out." Raito's smile has vanished and Ide carries on, "You really think no one else acts like you because you're so _special_ and you're _better _than them? No one else acts like you because you're a lunatic. At least - at least I can hold a conversation without frothing at the mouth and screaming about what a god I am every five seconds."

Raito stares at him and he's gone pale but his eyes are blazing with fury and Ide actually finds whatever his next sentence was drying up in his mouth. Matsuda gulps, and then he starts whispering apologies again. Ide expects Raito to turn on one of them, remind them of their imminent death, maybe even attack Matsuda physically, but no - Raito just turns away and the door slams shut behind him.

Matsuda shudders and then he looks over at it and then, horribly, tears start sliding down his face. Ide feels even sicker and makes himself think _practically, _he still doesn't know exactly what they did, Matsuda could be quietly bleeding to death over there. "Come on - come and sit down -" Matsuda doesn't look at him, but when Ide gets up, puts a hand on his arm, pulls him forward, he goes with it, feet catching on the floor. They slump down onto the bottom bunk and Ide grabs Matsuda's wrist and now he can see properly - the thumb and the index finger grey like leftovers against the bandage and then - just the bottom joint of the middle finger, looking lost and stupid, a halfhearted attempt at normality, and that's all.

He thinks he curses and Matsuda shivers and then starts to speak, the words sliding about in his mouth like he isn't quite awake: "Don't say anything. You don't need to say anything. I said I'd do it myself but he wouldn't let me, he wants it... he wants it on TV..."

"Yes, I got that part."

"He wants everyone to see," Matsuda says, "he wants everyone to _see _and - and this -" He swallows, his voice cracking. "He said it would be okay, he said I wouldn't - scared but - I can't - I can't do it -"

"Stop it." Ide doesn't want to hear this, the desperation in Matsuda's voice, the lack of any attempt to be brave or confident or _how the Chief would want. _It's making him feel like he's been punched in the throat and he has to try and get a grip himself before he can even think of what to say (what the hell _can _he say?) and Matsuda's already carrying on, "I know I deserve it - I know I fucked up and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but _please -_" He's gripping Ide's wrist with his uninjured hand, hard enough for it to be painful."Please don't - I can't do it, I just can't, I -"

"Shut up, Matsuda!"

He didn't mean to yell it and he didn't mean to sound so angry, but - having to say _I can't do anything, I can't help, you're on your own, _coupled with the revulsion at what's coming - hey, wouldn't he like to say _I can't do it _and act like that'll actually achieve anything? He almost says that but Matsuda is already huddling over, muttering apologies like he isn't even sure what he's meant to be sorry for. Ide feels all the tiredness and the frustration of the last few days hit him like a blow on the back of the head and he presses his palms to his eyes, trying to kid himself that it's soothing or at least takes away the tiredness. It doesn't really help at all.

"Stop apologising," he says. "He was right, I've screwed up as much as you have." It's easier to say it with his eyes closed; he can pretend he's half-asleep and doesn't really know what he's saying.

But Matsuda doesn't answer, and when Ide opens his eyes he sees the other man still slumped, still not looking at him.

"Are you listening?" he says.

"I'm sorry," Matsuda says again, glancing over at him, huddled, scared, but it's obvious he isn't even focusing properly. "I didn't mean to and I _did _and - I'll die, I'm going to die, that's - I can - but he'll hate me - he'll think I'm, I'm _nothing -_"

Ide realises, a cold sense like finding himself alone in the cell, that there is no point in arguing this. Matsuda's not thinking about what he's saying, he's quite possibly not even fully conscious. _It's just shock, _he tells himself, _it's the shock and the pain and... and if we're going to be sitting around for a bit, he'll pull himself together. _He has to, right? Raito would love it if one of them could actually be got to admit their guilt to the nation -

_Don't think about that. _Matsuda's damaged hand tangles its fingers in his vision. Okay, an injury, that's something you can deal with. He reaches out and, when Matsuda doesn't react, takes hold of the other man's wrist again. _Is this what you'd call romance? _If Matsuda were still - still like himself, still able to make stupid comments even in the darkest of moments, Ide would actually say it, would ask whether all those stupid dramas cover what you're supposed to do when the other person has been mutilated, and if not, then what is the point of them?

The situation certainly doesn't seem romantic to him. It would be bad enough if he and Matsuda were still just colleagues, but the juxtaposition of the missing fingers with earlier memories of Matsuda's hands is making Ide feel sick - and worse than that, stupid and furious and tired, just that _that _could have happened once and now _this _has. He bites down hard on his lower lip, tells himself that no one's going to be helped if they _both _crack up. Worse things happen every day, and at least they bandaged it up, stuck a tourniquet round the wrist; the bleeding's slowed, he can see it. But stupid reminders of what you're _meant _to do keep passing through his mind. That you have to find the severed fingers and keep them on ice. That the wound has to be kept clean. Like any of it fucking matters.

In the end all he does is yank the blanket up from the bed and wrap it round Matsuda's shoulders. Matsuda barely even seems to notice; he just stares ahead, breath shaking as he cries. Ide has to struggle not to shout at him to stop, to get it together, to cope. It won't help. Like it or not, he's going to be doing the coping for both of them until Raito comes back. And after that, it won't matter any more, will it? He reaches out, puts an arm round Matsuda, but the other man seems hardly even to notice, and for the first time since all this started, them touching is awkward, uncomfortable. Of course, fine, Raito would be happy to know every little scrap of comfort's been taken from them, wouldn't he? Ide wishes he could convince himself he can cope without physical contact, without other people being strong around him. He wishes he could know he'd - stay brave, stay _himself, _whatever Raito does. But having to let his arm slide back to his side like he's some awkward teenager and feeling how useless even that makes him feel, he doesn't have much faith in his own strength. Not now.


	13. Defiance

Stephen's back at his mother's house, and he's forgotten his door key. He stands outside in the silent sun and he was supposed to be inside by now but he can't because he's lost the key. He yells up at the empty windows, for someone to let him in, but there's no one there, he's missed them, and he left his car somewhere else, he can't even go after them.

He's worried about the car keys, not the door key, and the front door opens anyway and he's walking round the hallway trying to remember where he left his car keys, but then he sees the jacket he wore in high school hanging up on the pegs and he starts worrying what if he's not able to drive yet? He really can't afford to get arrested, not now, not when the entire country's looking for him. He tries to take the coat down, search the pockets, but his hands are too heavy and clumsy and he sends everything falling, the hallway fills with other people's coats like a room at a party and he's still too clumsy even to pick them up. His jacket, with keys in, has disappeared under all the others.

_You're such a slob, _Louise says from the stairs.

_Why don't you help me? _he snaps at her, and he doesn't want to be mad with her because she's dead but he sounds really pissed off and she scowls at him and says _why don't you ask nicely? _

_I thought you were dead! _he yells. _Why did you pretend you were dead? What the fuck is wrong with you? I had to tell Mom and Dad and everything! I had to go to Japan! _And he's completely lost it now and she's just staring at him, looking at him like she kind of dislikes him, like he's being so immature.

_You're not listening, _she says. _I'm going to die - that's why I'm here. That's why you saw Lidner and Rester when you came in here. _

_But that's who I was looking for - _and the panic is kicking him out of the dream, making him remember it _is _a dream, that Louise is dead and -

- everything's gone to hell -

Gevanni wrenches his eyes open, lifts the dream off him. His neck aches - sleeping with your head on a table isn't a good plan - and his face is sticky with dried drool. For a few seconds he can focus just on that, on staggering to his feet and stretching his sore arms and shoulders, but already the horror of the current situation is coming back to him in lovingly rendered detail.

He stayed apart from everyone else because he was angry enough it was all he could do to keep a grip on it when he was on his own. Lidner showed up a couple of times - to let him know where Mikami had been seen, and then later on to say Yagami had arrived and they were going to apprehend him and if all went well, she'd see him in a few hours. He didn't answer her, but later, when his phone rang, he was mature enough to pick up even though her name was the one flickering on the screen. Lucky he did, of course, because then he heard the shooting and yelling and knew he had to get the hell out while he still could.

So he'd fled to their yakuza contact, who'd looked like he was seriously considering turning in this lamed foreigner and saving them all some time. Another safe house - an apartment pretty much empty apart from a table, a rice cooker and a radio. He'd put the radio on immediately, listening for something, a clue, a solution, _anything, _but there'd been nothing, no one was admitting anything out of the ordinary had happened, and in the end he must have fallen asleep. Brilliant. He looks at his watch - it's twenty past ten, and outside the sky is white-gold.

He rubs his hands across his face - his fingers are chilly, which lets him kid himself he's being woken up and any minute now he'll come up with some sort of plan. How much time does he even have? They could all be dead by now. Yeah, really good going, let them all die while he was asleep -

(Stop it. You're not thinking.)

Mello was the only one who knew where the notebook was and surely he wouldn't crack any time soon? And - and while Yagami doesn't have the notebook, he'll have to keep all the others alive on the offchance they might know something. Won't he? Unless he's already questioned them, has worked out that they know nothing, has no more use for them -

_Stop thinking like this! _He's got time. He has to have time. Kira's unlikely to kill the others without using the notebook. If he thinks it's just a matter of time until he gets possession of it again, he'll hold off on the deaths. Okay, so there _will _be time. (Now assess your resources.) These commands feel so banal, so trite, like he's kidding himself he's got any kind of logical approach to this, like he's got any hope in hell of retaliation. On the other hand, forcing himself to _think _rather than panic can only be good, even if it's only half-working. He has to _think -_

Okay. The yakuza gave Mello to understand - and have certainly given Gevanni to understand - that they're not getting involved with this past shelter and stakeout duties. Which means that the only resources he has are an untraceable phone line, a radio, and a gun. Kira, on the other hand, has a spokesperson, a contingent of hired thugs, a national news network, the other six people who were opposing him, and, perhaps, by now, his notebook.

(There'll be an out - Kira was getting careless - there's got to be an out -)

_That's what you thought when you got into this, oh, sure, your sister was right in the firing line but something would come up, it wasn't like there was any fucking __**urgency**__ to it or anything - you just hung around letting someone else make the decisions and you did __**nothing **__-_

The thought chokes him and he scrambles to his feet because if he doesn't he'll really lose it: punch the wall, smash something, just start spewing curses, and he _cannot _go to pieces, he has to sort things out - There's a small bathroom, through a door that doesn't shut properly, and the water still runs, though cold. He splashes his face; his hands are shaking. There must be some idea he can pick out of all the chaos but his thoughts won't settle on it, whatever it is, he's missing something obvious because he can't get a grip - There's a cracked mirror over the sink, speckled with rust and stains, making him look (he hopes) even more grubby and worn-out than he actually is. Hey, maybe he looks bad enough he doesn't match how he was in the warehouse and, ha, Kira can't -

- can't kill him -

Oh, _god._

Of course it isn't just the others who are going to be dead as soon as Yagami gets the notebook back. Because that's the beauty of it, not needing to be close to your victims, not needing even to know where they are, and Gevanni can hide out as much as he likes but it won't do _shit _if Yagami finds the book and writes down his name. Oh, sure, you could argue that he mightn't remember it, but Gevanni's willing to bet that the top-scorer on the Tokyo U entrance exams, now with six years' experience of being Kira, won't have a problem with remembering all the names Mikami had written down back in the warehouse. Then he just has to try the unfamiliar ones against Gevanni's face. Hell, he might not have to do even that, Rester might have given up his real name, you say anything, in the end -

Hell, Kira could write down something like _Stephen Loud goes to the nearest police station, gives himself up and dies in custody two hours later_ - just to make sure Gevanni doesn't have any useful information, or, even just to show off how he's managed to capture every single one of his enemies - just to make it clear that once you oppose Kira you're hunted down and you will be caught and you will die and there's nothing you can do -

_Stop it. Stop it - this won't help - this is pointless -_

He makes himself breathe out. It hurts like someone's sitting on his chest.

(Just keep a cool head. Just lie low and think.)

All right. He's still alive right this second, and doesn't have any urge to run off and turn himself in. (Would you know what was happening? Would it all seem to make sense, or would it be like something took over your body while your mind yelled at you to stop?) _Stop it - _that suggests he's got a bit of time. And it's entirely likely Mello's hidden the thing somewhere difficult to reach, might even have taken steps to prevent himself being able to reveal the hiding place just like that. And it isn't like Gevanni wasn't living on borrowed time _anyway, _being a foreigner with a limp relying only on the good hearts of the local yakuza. So he'd better get on and do something while he's still alive to do it. Just like he's been doing all along. That's how life is, after all.

He will _not _think about Mom and Dad hearing from TV that he's been murdered by Kira - he _will not - _

He splashes his face with more water - it smells faintly metallic - and then stumbles back into the main room. The radio's still on, running the weather report now. Sooner or later Takada will do another broadcast, though, right? Surely the capture of most of the fugitives will inspire the public to track down the last two. She can't just go quiet, she'll have to do her usual spiel...

She'll have to...

He puts his palms to his itchy eyes, trying to make the thoughts line up, trying to pull them out. Takada admitted she'd been wrong about her fugitives, in line with Aizawa's request. So she... so she... and Yagami will have the notebook back soon, or thinks he will... and at some point she's going to have to make an announcement...

It all joins up into one stupid idea which hangs in his mind like a bubble, and he waits for some kind of logic to burst it, but nothing happens. It isn't like he's got a hell of a lot of options, and it's still better than doing nothing. It can't make things worse, at any rate.

He picks up the phone and dials the number for NHN's hotline on the fugitives.

After a few rings, a chirpy-sounding receptionist answers, and he swallows back the taste of morning breath and says, "Ah - hello. I'm calling to speak to Lady Takada, about the people she's been looking for?"

"You may leave your information here and I'll pass it on to Lady Takada -"

"I think she'd prefer me to speak to her myself." He tries to let his non-Japanese accent come through as much as possible while still staying intelligible. "It's about something I saw in a notebook, tell her... I don't think she'd like me to pass it on to anyone else."

They put him on hold, but only for a couple of minutes before the aimless music cuts out and Takada's voice is saying, "Who is this, please?"

"Takada-san..." He swallows. His heart's hammering, which isn't helping his nerves. "I believe you've been looking for me?"

"I assume I'm speaking to the last agent," she says. "I have to say I didn't expect you to _call _me."

Is that true? Is this the first step in a list of commands written down for him? (Don't ask that.) "Actually, I was concerned about your welfare." Relaxed, calm, hiding behind a bored mask again. "You do realise that once Raito Yagami has access to his notebook again, he's going to kill you, don't you?"

A pause, then she says, "What on earth are you talking about?" A little incredulous laugh. (Don't interrupt her.) "I suppose you must be desperate, but I expected something with a bit more logic behind it!" He thinks he can detect a hint of unease, or at least overly fervent denial. She can't be enjoying Yagami's company, not if the behaviour Gevanni's witnessed has become the norm.

"You said on NHN that you were wrong," he says. Not stumbling over the words, making like he's had eight hours sleep and a walk in the fresh air before making this call. "You told the world that you'd made a mistake, right? So, that means Kira's judgement and Kira's spokesperson are fallible. If he wants to keep his credibility, he'll have to respond to that, and he only really knows one way of dealing with most issues, doesn't he? You'll need to appear on TV again and say you've captured them, and then explain how you were wrong, and that's it, that's when he'll -"

"This is ridiculous."

"Why don't you ask Mikami what happened in the warehouse?" Is he getting to her, or is he sounding as desperate as she must know he is? "Hell, ask the task force or Lidner or Rester. They all saw. When the chips were down, Yagami bailed on Mikami and tried to save his own skin. You know he only told you he loved you because he could use you to communicate and put us off the scent of who X-Kira was? Just like he only told Amane he loved her because she used to be the Second Kira, she had the Eyes. You're worth more to him dead than alive now, so I'd watch out if I were you -"

"I... I understand," she says.

She's speaking too loudly and her voice shakes a little, and Gevanni stops, not sure where she's going with this. She can't surely have bought his argument that quickly.

"You're scared," she carries on. "You... you know that you're going to be killed.

"Just like your sister was."

He should have seen it coming, but for some reason hearing her talk about it, just saying it straight out like that, is numbing his mind, he's even breathing more shallowly like he's attempting to hide from her.

"I suppose you thought you were different?" Takada says. Her voice is mocking - slightly shaky, she _was _taken aback by what he said, and he should press the advantage while he can but - how much does she know? Probably nothing, or very little, but he's still terrified he'll hear her spelling out every single time he didn't bother to step up and do something, every time he let other people get hurt because he couldn't afford to get involved - _say something, you idiot _, but Takada is already continuing, "Perhaps - perhaps she made a stupid mistake and you were sure that you wouldn't do that. Or perhaps you thought she deserved it? Lots of people, they... they only oppose Kira's actions because they feel they should. When they think about it, they realise his victims deserved to die... after all, she chose to commit a crime, didn't she? This was all her fault -"

He hangs up on her.

He hangs up on her like some _idiot _who storms off rather than think of a response and when he puts the phone down on the table his hands are shaking. Oh god. Oh god what the hell is he doing here, pretending he's got any hope of changing anything - hasn't he got it by now, he's not a hero, he holds back and reserves judgement and watches and keeps watching while people die in front of him -

He's running his hands over his face because he feels like he's falling out of everything real and he licks his dry lips and feels the scab on one from where Mikami hit him and all at once he knows he's never going to achieve anything by hiding. Watching from a distance hasn't got him anywhere so far, so why not try a different approach?

ooo

Takada does not need this. She really _does not _need this. It's the most important day of her life: she's going to be making televisual history and she's going to be be presiding over the incident that will cement the new world in everyone's minds. She knows it. People will see, properly, that Kira can condemn you and then you will be hunted down. The police won't protect you, your friends won't protect you, you will be brought in front of the cameras and made to atone for what you've done. The last few remnants of opposition to Kira will be got rid of, and she will be there. She never gets stage fright, but she still really doesn't need bizarre phone calls from crazy foreign criminals.

She's tidying the things on her desk. Lining up her papers and post-it notes. She's moving very carefully and methodically because she can feel, at the back of her body, the stupid little girl part of her mind, the part that she never lets anyone see, she can feel that little girl saying _but what if - but what if - _

There's no denying Raito has been acting irrationally. Of course he has - he's been under a lot of strain. Takada could have hoped that he was stronger, when it came down to it, but he wasn't, and that's all there is to it. He has been arrogant and loud and rude and has behaved although all credit for success goes to him while _she _has been the one keeping everything running smoothly. She _is _worried about him doing something stupid at a crucial moment. And yes, it's sad that she has to - she thought she could depend on Raito better than that - but whatever her personal feelings towards him right now, they both still want the same thing. Kira's world.

She could, of course, have him taken into custody. If she's really that worried about his behaviour, she could ask her bodyguards to remove him, have him placed somewhere secure. Not for ever, of course. Just until he's calmed down and had a chance to rest. But...

A lot of them have been taking orders from him. What if he's told them that... or, even if he hasn't, what if he screams _I am Kira _when they come for him? There'd be a scene. People's faith in Kira might be weakened. And they see Raito as someone close to Kira, at any rate. Takada doesn't want herself _or _Kira to appear fallible. _That's _what Raito doesn't seem to understand.

Of course, if she were to have Raito confined, he might be furious with her. She wants to believe that in time he'd understand and forgive her - _I wasn't well, you did what you had to do - _but she isn't that stupid. It might mean the end of... of everything that they have now. And she's not going to put sentiment before practicality, but does she really want to take such a big step?

And besides, she needs someone to write down the names of the task force and the SPK. She can't do it as she presents, and if she doesn't entirely have faith in Raito she certainly doesn't trust anyone else. Even Mikami or Amane, if they were assigned such an important task, would need someone watching them. And to be honest, Takada doesn't want either of them to have any responsibility. Like Raito, they've proved themselves unable to handle it.

She breathes out, knits her fingers together briefly. Why is she even spending time thinking about this? It's ridiculously obvious that the SPK agent hoped for exactly this reaction. Paranoia, followed by cancellation or postponement of the broadcast. He would assume that Takada wouldn't have anyone to give the role of executioner to if she didn't trust Raito. He would assume she'd panic and give up.

It's almost pitiful how hopeless that plan is. Does the man not _know _that deaths can be set in advance?

She picks up her phone, calls Raito's mobile. It rings and rings and then goes to voicemail, so she waits ten minutes - she counts them to the second - and calls again. She is _not _going to put up with this. He called her earlier, told her that Kira's power was assured and to start co-ordinating a live broadcast for the afternoon. He can't expect her then to cease communication with him, or wait to be called.

Why is she even thinking that he was deliberately ignoring her? He was probably in the middle of a conversation or something. _That's what the agent wanted. To unsettle you, because that's the only chance he has now. _It completely undermines her argument if she comes across as a hysterical woman.

"Yes?" Raito answers, as impatient as if she's the one keeping him waiting.

"It's me." She makes her voice crisp and clear, but she hears him sigh - as if he's impatient she's bothering to speak to him! - and her throat tightens with anger. "I wanted an update on progress."

"Are you making preparations for the broadcast? I need this done today."

"Of course I am. It's all in hand. What I want to know is whether you've actually recovered the notebook yet. I've heard nothing about Mihael Keehl regaining consciousness, so for all we know he could have given the others false information -"

"For god's sake." An irritated sigh. "I have pages from it. One of the task force had them hidden. That's where I've been, recovering them, while you've been doing nothing, or at least that's what it sounds like."

Takada doesn't bother to refute this accusation. _They have pages from the notebook. _She feels a little like she did when she first began taking responsibility for the judgements - like the world has opened up, revealed something so strange and terrible and wonderful that things will never look quite the same. Partly it's just that Kira's power has returned. That now they have the control over the world they were meant to have. She really didn't like bluffing, having to pretend that she had faith in Kira when she knew full well he had no power to judge anyone.

But partly...

How can the SPK agent's warning have got under her skin this much?

"Wonderful," she says. "But that won't keep us going for ever."

"If Mello wakes up," Raito says, explaining it slowly and boredly, "then I will get the location of it out of him. If not - or if he's stubborn - I'm sure I'll be able to work it out. There's a limited number of places he could have hidden it, after all, considering the timescale and his appearance. Until then, these two pages and the publicity from the execution will be enough."

_**I'll**__ work out the location._ She wants to say something pointed about how he's not going to be able to think logically being so tired, how erratic his behaviour already is, but she doesn't want to make him unnecessarily angry.

"True," she says. "Well, if you bring me the pages now, I'll write down the names in preparation for -"

"_You're _not going to be writing down the names," Raito cuts in. He doesn't even sound particularly defensive about it. As if it's so obvious that it's not worth discussing. "I'll go to the Imperial Hotel, watch the broadcast, and write down the names from there. The timing will be better."

"Excuse me? I'm the one presenting this broadcast. I have _responsibility _for the timing." Once, she knows, she wouldn't have been worried. She would have trusted him to know what was best, believed they'd work in tandem. But she was younger then. She was naive. "Bring me the pages now, please."

On the line there is a soft sigh, and then Raito, saying, his voice warm and gleeful, "What makes you think I'm going to do what you tell me to?"

It's like a drop of ice water on the back of her neck. She expected childish rage, shouting, threats, but she didn't expect this - this _satisfaction. _For a moment she really does panic. The childish side of her mind gabbles _say you're sorry, hang up, get the papers off him and just cancel the broadcast - just cancel it, you can do it later - _

And what? Leave everyone hanging like this? Leave the world thinking you can defy Kira and walk away? Make herself look hysterical, spooked by one phone call, or too weak to take decisive action? They won't - she is too valuable to the new world. Raito _knows _that. If she panics, he will just see that he can control her. That anyone can control her. And Kira's spokeswoman shouldn't be controlled.

"Yagami, please," she says, briskly. "We both want the same thing, don't we? Bring them to me now. You can write down the actual names yourself, if it means that much to you. But I want to keep hold of them. I've got greater security measures around me, for one thing."

She swallows, and carries on, "Besides, I need to know that they didn't write _your _name down before they hid the book. If you start acting erratically, I'll have to have you brought here by force. Otherwise, how do I know you're not going to go and burn the pages and then collapse, or something?"

There is several seconds silence. Takada can feel her heart hammering away under her blouse. She's never particularly liked arguments, especially not with someone who should know better. Surely - _surely _Raito will see this makes sense? It's just so much more efficient - and it isn't that she doesn't trust him not to hurt her, she knows how valuable she is to him, it's just that...

It's just that he's quite capable of losing control for some reason and missing his cue, if she leaves him to write the names as the broadcast happens. That's all.

"It needs to look polished," she says. "We can't afford anyone to have a moment's doubt."

At last, Raito says, "Very well. You're at NHN now? I'll be there soon. You're obviously not going to let this go."

"Thank you -"

But he's already hung up.

Takada takes a deep breath, makes herself smile, and goes back to drafting the afternoon's sequence of events.

ooo

Mikami keeps seeing bloodstains in the hotel room.

He thinks that only he can see them, though - they're like sunlight spots after you have stared at a bright light. Amane certainly doesn't seem bothered by them. She is slumped on the sofa, clutching one of the cushions to her chest. Mikami isn't sure whether it's better or worse that the blood is for him alone. He's still a sinner, it's just that nothing's clear any more, the world refuses to tell him what he needs to do. And on a purely physical level, the bloodstains revolt him. The room is clean and warm and golden and yet there are stains and if you scratched at the surface you would find more -

- except that he _promised, _he promised God -

Amane has flicked the television on, but she's not really watching it; the light flickers on her face, neither of them have opened the curtains. When they're in the same room she is never still; she moves from chair to sofa to the window like a bored child. Mikami finds himself wanting to fidget in turn, but he resists, he knows that constant movement isn't safe. So he is still. Waiting, but he doesn't know what for.

The blood. When he left - and God _told _him to leave, that's what he was supposed to do - and then he was walking down the street and he knew he was filthy and broken and the light hurt his eyes and people were looking and had he not been so tired he would have jumped in front of a car, or off a bridge, because there are some things you can't come back from. But he was scared it wouldn't work and then he remembered he promised not to and then he didn't know what to do.

And then the black car pulled up next to him and Takada was there. It was strange to see her face to face. He used to meet with her often. He talked to her. They were both certain, then. How could he have been so confident? Takada just smiled at him and said that he looked tired and wouldn't he like to come and rest, have a shower and something to eat? He is ashamed to admit that he went with her just because of the promise of being able to be clean, properly clean, and to be off the street and stop people looking. He forgot for that moment what God might want.

It was after all that, when he was clean and in fresh clothes - new ones, bought for him - and he had eaten and he was at last, at least, he was warm. It was after that, at her apartment, she poured him a cup of coffee and then she sat down with him and the man from the warehouse. The man who'd been screaming.

He didn't scream now, but his eyes glittered and he looked as if he hadn't slept much either. And of course he had only one hand now. Mikami kept thinking of the Christian God's edict, of how loss of your hand could save you if it tempted you to sin. He's never been sure he believes that. Oh, if it _were _possible to pinpoint the cause - but for many people, all of them seems to be given over to sin and that's why they should just die -

No. _No! _That's where he stumbled - he condoned Kira's actions and God _knew, _all along, that an innocent had been killed and he never _said - _

Amane is scowling, and she pointedly turns the volume up on the television. Mikami swallows. He must not keep thinking of it. God heard that he was sorry. You must simply keep going -

How can you keep going when you have done something so awful?

- they talked to him. Takada and the man from the warehouse. Raito Yagami who smiled and talked to him politely and poured him more coffee and spoke admiringly of the legal profession, of Mikami's successful career to date. Mikami wanted to say that they must be talking of someone else although he knew that wasn't true, but his job was something else that had been part of being so certain. They talked to him and after a while they asked him if he were all right, if he had been hurt. He explained that most of the injuries were self-inflicted, that he'd been trying to atone, but that God had tried to stop him. They glanced at each other when he said that. Perhaps they didn't believe him, and so he explained that that had not been the case with all the injuries, that Mello had been responsible for some of them. They made him admit that Mello had been cruel to him and they looked sympathetic and Yagami said how appalling it was and Takada said, her large eyes full of pity, _you didn't deserve to be treated like that._ Mikami explained that Mello hated God, that Mello sought to hurt God. Takada asked him - a slight edge of impatience in her voice - how he had recognised his god, how Mello knew about it, and Mikami didn't want to tell her about it, he wanted to forget it had ever happened, but Yagami leaned forward and said that sometimes it helped to talk -

_You can trust us, Mikami-san. You've talked to Takada-san before, haven't you? And I promise you I'll do everything I can to protect you. Mello is a dangerous and ruthless criminal. I've been after him for a while. _His eyes narrowed. _He killed my father. I don't intend to rest until he's been brought to justice for that._

God and Mikami and this man all reflect as one in Mikami's mind, all hurt by Mello, and their victimhood gives them strength. Safety in numbers. Being part of the crowd. Mikami wonders, sometimes, if maybe that was why he supported Kira; not because Kira was truly God but simply because Kira had followers. He didn't wonder that at the time but now, and in the dark as well, realising how many times he has failed, he wonders if that was the reason, if it was just cowardice that led him to this point. How could he have believe the majority would ever truly embrace righteousness? And see, when God returned it was just the two of them surrounded by enemies on all sides.

_Who is your God? _Raito Yagami asked.

"If you're going to stay out here," Amane snaps, "then _I'm _going in _there._" The stamp of her footsteps and then the door to the larger bedroom of the hotel suite slams shut and locks. She took one of the cushions with her, hugging it to her chest. Mikami doesn't care which part of the suite he is in. He suspects that even his own apartment would be rotten and bloody underneath.

_Who is your God?_

Mikami doesn't know why he didn't answer immediately. Perhaps he knows God so completely that it would be like trying to verbalise something like _How do you know that you are? _He would like to believe it's that but maybe instead it's that he still doubts, even now he is weak underneath it all.

_You've met him, _Yagami said. _Who is he?_

_Is it Kira? _Takada asked, and Yagami gave her a cold look like he understood just how reductive that question was. Mikami shook his head and then he did try to explain. How he did used to believe that Kira was his God. How he learnt he was wrong (how _did _he learn he was wrong? He still can't remember) and then how God had appeared to him in -

_In the guise of one of the men you are looking for, Takada-san._

Takada actually gave a little gasp of incredulity, but that helped. Of course she would doubt. Of course she would hate to admit that she was wrong, didn't everyone? It made it clearer that Mikami was right, that there was a truth to be found. Yagami was silent, staring at Mikami with his face unreadable.

For a moment. Then he said, _If that's true, then that's very worrying. It suggests Takada and I could have made a big mistake. Wouldn't you agree? _Takada was scowling, but Yagami didn't seem to be bothered. He smiled at Mikami and said, _Tell me more about this man. Your god._

And so Mikami did, but even as he spoke, the moments stopped meaning anything. They stopped being anything but words and that was the worst part, the way that he tried to explain them and Yagami and Takada tolerated his pathetic efforts and the moments fell apart in his hands and the words felt like grit in his mouth. And he tried harder to recall details, to say something which would bring everything into the right focus and the light, but nothing worked and then he had to talk about the darkness, about the sin Mello had laid at his feet, about what had been revealed and now, as he thinks back, he can't remember what he said, only that not long afterwards he begged them to stop asking him anything more. Perhaps he realised he didn't believe, perhaps he couldn't look at the truth.

Still, they have taken him to a place where it is warm and comfortable and neat and they let him sleep and now it is daylight but that doesn't make things any better. God told him not to go back to Kira and yet he has met with Kiyomi Takada and he knows perfectly well that it is because he is weak. He sinned because he was offered comfort, and he wants to atone but he doesn't know how. He doesn't know what God would want -

They were _kind._ They didn't snap at him when he stumbled over words or became upset and Yagami nodded and smiled like it was all making sense when Mikami tried to explain how he had known God and how he had sinned. By now he was frightened that he couldn't remember what God had wanted. That he knew Takada was searching for God, sought to harm him, but - when he had saved God before, protected him, that had been the wrong choice, he had known he should feel guilty about it. And he didn't know. He didn't know.

And he was frightened that if he refused to tell them things, they would hurt him. They would be angry. And so he _gave in. _He ran from the decision, the right decision, whatever it was, and gave in and talked and told them what they wanted to hear, whatever that was. And then Takada let him sleep and it was warm and the sheets were crisp and clean and there was no dirt or darkness anywhere except the bloodstains.

And now it's morning and he has an awful feeling that being apart from God means he has, yet again, diverged from the correct path and he wants to cry out _what should I do? _but he thinks even that might be useless now.

Someone thumps on the door.

Mikami is walking across to open it before he can remember making the decision, but why would he need to consider it? It is either salvation or retribution. Either way there is no point in hiding.

He wrenches the door open and God is on the other side. Pale, hollow-faced and tired, his injured leg dragging as he stumbles forward.

"I think they know I'm here," he says. "As I was coming up I... I thought, _of course, they'll let me walk into this._" He grips Mikami's arm - his hands are chilly.

"I'll help you," Mikami says, and as he speaks it's like throwing off all the weight of everything that's happened. Like back at elementary school, you helped, and then they said _thanks, _and it was like the sun shone and it didn't matter how much you hurt. "You can - you can hide -"

God shakes his head. "That's not why I came. Besides, they'd only get rid of you and then keep coming. I don't..." He swallows, and then, abruptly, says, "Do you know who Raito Yagami is? Have you met him again? He's young - has light brown hair -"

Mikami nods, this will build up to a command and commands are fine - God just needs to tell him what he should do -

"He'll be the one who gets rid of us, I bet," God says. "Stick close to him if you can. He'll write down our names and that'll be it - He's Kira," he says, impatiently like Mikami should have known. "He's Kira and he's going to kill me and I - I don't know what else I can do."

The sudden hopelessness is like he has taken Mikami's own thoughts and read them out and it's as disorientating as seeing your double in a crowd would be.

God can't be helpless - God _can't - _

"I'm sorry," Gevanni says. "I'm so sorry for all of it, okay? I know things were shit and I just let them stay like that. I let you think I was your friend and then I let you think I was your god, too. Because I didn't want to die. I'm so sorry and - if I get out of this I'll make it up to you, I promise, just - please, _please, _Mikami, don't let him write down our names -"

Running footsteps, and round the corner, from both sides the corridor is full of the black-suited men. Gevanni doesn't even try and run. He just steps away from the door, back onto the landing, hands already raised. He's still staring at Mikami and they are back at the gas station in the bright sunlight and _help me, _Gevanni says, or said, or only thought, but it didn't matter because Mikami knew what was being asked of him and made his choice...

The men reach them, wrench Gevanni's arms back, and Mikami wants to step back into the room and slam the door. Block out all the shouting and the running; the hotel room will be quiet, wrapped in heavy curtains, Amane will turn up the television volume. Actually, maybe it's not the noise. Gevanni doesn't stop looking at Mikami even as he's dragged off down the corridor.

But then everything is empty again and there's nothing but the footprints scuffed into the deep dark carpet and the lines of closed doors and the air-conditioning still humming like nothing has happened. As though God were never there. God took off his mask and behind it there was just - just another -

_There was just another sinner,_ Mikami thinks he wants to finish the thought. Anyone who leads you to a false deity is by definition a sinner and so Mikami has followed a liar, a a broken filthy temptor who turned him away from the path and even _and even _destroyed the _memories _of good so that it would be impossible to go back. Even that! And told him not to hurt himself like his mother told him to give up and be weak and this time Mikami listened, deluded himself, because he's _pathetic - _he must make amends to Kira. He has no need to preserve himself now. There are pens on the desk, the wound has not yet fully closed and this time he'll expect the pain, this time he won't falter -

His hands are already going to the dressings on his throat, scrabbling at them, but all at once someone whispers in his ear, _what sin did you commit before?_

And he is still.

He tried to die before. The pen in his hand. And - blood, and - yes, he would have done it in order to atone. To pay for following a false god, but who had that fake been? Kira's identity had been exposed, but Mikami had sought to cause Gevanni's death, isn't that what the man said? He closes his eyes and sees himself driving the pen up into his throat, feels his lungs spasm and blood ooze over his fingers, but he can watch for ever and ever and he still can't see which God was real.

The door closes and he opens his eyes to see Amane has pushed it shut; she steps back as soon as he looks at her, though, and besides, it doesn't matter; in Mikami's head the empty corridor is still there, and behind it Gevanni saying to him _I don't know what else I can do. _He follows the corridor round, watching the figure with the bloodstained hands for as long as he can. When he next looks around, the room phone is ringing. No, it was ringing. Now Amane has snatched it up and is holding it out to him, scowling and saying, "Today's Miss Takada wants to talk to you."

Mikami takes the receiver. Takada probably knows no more about the true god than he does. She certainly has shown no horror at whatever event drove Mikami to seek death. But even lies can sometimes point to the truth, can't they?

Takada is asking him, "Did he say anything to you?"

"He didn't know what to do."

She laughs. "Clearly."

"He told me that Yagami-san is Kira." Mikami listens, but the breathing on the other end of the phone remains steady. So she knew that already, whatever else she doesn't know. "And that he would be the one to do it." His voice shakes a little. He isn't sure why. "He said I must not let Yagami write down their names."

Silence, just for a second.

"I see," Takada says at last. "How odd. It sounds like a fairy-tale, doesn't it?"

"Would you do it, Takada-san?"

"I don't think it matters," she says, gently. "You see, Mikami-san... whatever is meant to have happened, has happened. Yagami isn't the one who's going to be writing any names." She takes a breath, like she's going to explain something else, but then she stops. "If you _do _see him with any pieces of paper, of course, do make sure you pick them up and give them to me." A careful breath. "Oh, and you don't need to bother him by telling him all of what's just happened. I'll pass it on, and he'd only think you were being impolite, telling him again."

"I wouldn't... I wouldn't want to be rude." She doesn't know God either. She doesn't realise there's even a choice - all she wants is to be the one with the power. That is all right. Mikami can let go of any alliance with her. The most important thing is for him to choose good or evil. He just doesn't know which is which.

"I know you wouldn't. I'll call again later, all right? Take care in the meantime."

In the silence, Mikami puts the phone down and continues to contemplate the two Gods.

ooo

Rester thought that he'd learnt to bear whatever they decided to throw at him.

Actually, that's not true at all. That makes it sound like he reviews each interrogation and says to himself, satisfied, _well, that wasn't too bad, I think I'm really getting the hang of this. _

Which would be a slightly amusing idea if he had the strength left to find anything about this situation funny.

It's more like he's learnt how to _avoid_ reviewing the situation. It goes against the grain, because he's made a career out of assessing the big picture and considering overall progress and identifying problem areas, but to be honest it's better to act out of character, it lets you kid yourself this isn't actually happening to _you _and every time you're scared you're going to die in here or that it's never going to stop or just that you won't be able to take it any more, you will crack and cough up some information you didn't know you had and then throw yourself on Kira's mercy... every time anything they do actually has an effect, you can pretend it's not having an effect on you, just on this poor bastard acting as your stand-in.

He believes this and yet he knows he's deluding himself, but that kind of doublethink means that he's holding back part of himself (or he can believe he is), that when (if) he gets out of here he'll slough off the guy who's been putting up with this shit like an old skin and it'll be like this never happened. He chose not to focus on the part of him that was aware of what he was doing, he was pretty sure he didn't want to examine any coping strategies too closely in case they collapsed, and they'd been slacking off in the last few days anyway and despite himself, he'd been hoping - for what, he didn't know, it wasn't like just being left alone meant they had any interest in keeping him alive - he'd been hoping and then last night they brought Lidner in and things have now gone completely to hell.

Lidner was as poised as always, despite looking worn-out and clearly in need of a hot bath and a laundry service. Even as she explained to him what had been going on since he'd got caught, how she'd ended up here - that Gevanni was the only one on the outside, that Mello was critically injured and the only person who knew where the notebook was - even as her eyes darted over him, noting the injuries she could see - she acted like all these things were mildly annoying but only to be expected. Like heavy traffic. He listened carefully to everything she said - everything she was risking saying out loud, at any rate - and he tried to do something with the information, like put it together, like see the big picture, but his mind was heavy and slow and perhaps that's it, perhaps he's just unnerved himself by realising this might not be as easy to shrug off as he hoped. Perhaps it's that he's got used to his only human contact being with people who see him as nothing more than a dangerous enemy of their beloved Kira and a dead man walking. Lidner expected something else. She called him out on his pretense that this isn't happening to him, at least. And that's left him feeling like he'd lost a layer of skin.

This morning they came back, they took her away again. She didn't cry or beg, and she walked forward perfectly calmly, but earlier she'd put a hand on his arm and he'd felt how clammy her palm was. And now he can't stop himself evaluating the situation and it looks worse and worse every minute. They'll hurt her and then they'll come back and hurt him and he can't take it any more and there's nothing he can do to make them stop. He's trying to keep his face blank even though there's no one to see because you have to try and control _something, _there has to be some level of control otherwise you really will crack. He's supposed to be better than this. He doesn't think that Near had particularly high expectations of him, of any of them, but he had expectations of himself and one of those was that he wouldn't let fear of Kira turn him into a coward. Into someone else.

He was avoiding thinking of Near too, partly because it reminded him of how they'd dropped the ball at the key second back in the warehouse and partly because he doesn't want to sentimentalise the teenager or to start blaming him for all of this. Remembering how Near's dissatisfaction with the airline food had prompted him to begin sculpting with it using toothpicks while Rester watched him bleary-eyed and wondered what time his brain thought it was - that's as useless as telling himself that this is all Near's fault, that Near was too fond of showboating rather than simply neutralising Kira. Both lines of thought are pointless and in addition, neither of them are ideas he would have followed if this hadn't happened. His attitude to Near had always been one of respect - sometimes edged with incredulity - and unnerved curiosity, and he'd been _proud_, for some stupid reason, that Near had chosen not to take the simple, violent route, that he didn't tend to emulate Mello's approach of killing everyone who annoyed him. Why the hell hadn't he seen that there was bound to be a reckoning due for being that high-minded?

God, why is it taking so long for them to bring her back? How much time does it take to work out that someone doesn't know anything? Not that he's had any clue about what the time is for days. Hell, he knows he'd still rather be here waiting than be the one being questioned. But still, being left feeling this off-balance, this vulnerable, so late in the game. _Don't kid yourself. Just not knowing what they'll do next. Same thing, just with her. Don't kid yourself, there's all sorts of shit they could pull and it would still hurt. _He hasn't adjusted at all. The point is you notice if your detainee _has _adjusted and respond accordingly, to offset that -

He's breathing too fast. It hurts. The air is thin and tastes rotten, or maybe that's just the flavours of his own mouth. If Lidner does know something, if she was lying, they'll get it out of her eventually, if not this time then the next time, and he'll get to watch them prise it out of her and he just _bets _Yagami has taken that into account, that that's why he put Lidner in this cell at all. _So we can see each other broken down. _They're nothing without Near, nothing special, but Yagami wants to see them ground into the dust anyway, just for being stupid enough to think this could work -

The rattle of the door.

He finds himself shifting backwards, like he's going to cower against the wall and pray they won't see him, and his breaths are being ripped out of him now even though he no longer knows what it is he's so scared of. There are several people in the doorway. One of the bodyguards holding Lidner by the arm, pushing her forward. She has her hands clutched to her chest, and as she stumbles into the cell Rester can see that one of them, the right one, is so swollen and misshapen it barely looks like a hand any more. He tries just to look, not to think or feel or draw any conclusions, but his stomach lurches a little anyway. Her face is grey and her eyes are open wide and very pale, as if the pupils have shrunk to nothing, and even though her expression is set he can see that her gaze isn't quite focused.

And then, as if things weren't already bad, they push Gevanni in after her. He limps as he walks in, but he stumbles over to Lidner, catches her arm, helps her over to the bunk. Close to Rester can see that he doesn't look like he's doing much better than the rest of them. Not that he seems seriously hurt, apart from the limp, but his gaze darts round and doesn't settle on anything and - he looks disoriented, that's it, like he's just been woken up. Their eyes meet and Gevanni just stares for a moment and then suddenly takes in the condition his superior's in and looks even more ill-at-ease. Lidner's breath is coming in short gasps and Rester can feel her trembling, even as the door slams shut and they're left alone again.

"Are you all right?" he makes himself say, even though he knows that's a stupid question. "Is that all, your hand, or did they -"

"I'm _fine -_" and Lidner actually snaps it, like a sulky teenager, and then presses her lips together until they're almost white. The next second her face is hidden as she lets her head slump and her hair shields her. "Once... once this was... was done, after that there wasn't anything else I could tell. He knew that. It..." She draws a shaking breath, but then she looks up at him and her face is very cold and still. "It was obvious."

Gevanni is staring at them both, eyes wide, looking sick and scared and like this has all come as a complete surprise to him. Rester would ask him what the hell he expected if, firstly, he himself had the strength even to sit up and secondly, if there was any hope that this situation wasn't as bad as it looked.

"So we're all waiting on Mello?" he says to Lidner instead.

She laughs, a little. "I don't... I don't think so. Yagami seemed very pleased with himself. He spoke to me last night - to make a few veiled threats - and he was angry, then, wired. Now he's relaxed. Maybe he got something out of Mello and this was just... just for fun." She turns her head away, and Rester sees the fingers of her uninjured hand tense and whiten as she digs them into my arm.

"I didn't think that Mello..." she says at last, softly. "I didn't think he... but... perhaps he was conscious for a bit and - and he was confused. Perhaps he didn't know what was going on."

Rester can't really believe that any associate of Near's would ever _not know what was going on_, but on the other hand getting riddled with bullets would slow anyone down. "Yagami could have been bluffing. Trying to appear in control."

"I don't think he's capable of that any more. I think we're..."

Her voice doesn't crack or tremble, the sentence just tails off as if she doesn't need to spell it out.

"Gevanni," she says at last, "what happened? Did they find the safe house?" Her voice is businesslike now - but tired, thin, and Rester finds it hard to look at her. Is he that broken, that obviously vulnerable? He's trying to argue it's because she's younger than him, less experienced, was clearly emotionally attached to Mello, is female, but then he's disgusted with himself for picking away at her like that.

Gevanni just looks at her for a moment like he doesn't understand the question, then - "I got out of there. Give me some credit."

Then he just tails off, like he's forgotten where he was going with the rest of the sentence. That's enough unlike him to make Rester say, "Then what?" He shouldn't have to drag the report out of his colleague like this, but then it _shouldn't_ be hurting to move, either. And irritation at other people's weaknesses at least distracting from the huge, cold horror at what's going to happen if Lidner is right.

"I tried to talk to..." Gevanni swallows and then all at once he says, "I didn't know what to do. I had to... I had to keep it together but she said... Takada, I mean, she said... and I couldn't just sit back and -" He's actually shaking, and he rubs at his mouth with the back of a hand like he feels sick, or just like he doesn't know what else to do. "I'm sorry, I can't - it was Mikami. I tried to talk to him but I don't think it..." He's looking at Rester now, obviously seeing how many injuries he can spot, and is going paler and paler, and some voice in the back of Rester's mind starts up that it's even worse than it feels, that he's dying and everyone else knows it -

"Sit down," he says, more angrily than he meant but he wants to drown out thoughts like that for as long as he can. "You look like hell."

Gevanni drops, slumping down onto the floor, and rests his head on his hands.

"I'd thought Mikami... I thought he might consider switching sides," he says at last. "Lidner will tell you I'd spent a lot of time with him over the last week. The yakuza - Mello's contacts - they wouldn't get further involved than they already had."

The idea that Teru Mikami might ever be an ally to someone facing Kira's judgment seems ridiculous, but Lidner doesn't seem surprised by the suggestion, so Rester can only assume that perhaps the man's memory loss worked in the SPK's favour. Either way, the fact that Gevanni's here now suggests it doesn't really matter. He can't even bring himself to say _I presume it didn't work, then? _Because Gevanni will confirm that it didn't and then that will be it and Rester doesn't really want to spend the next hour or so contemplating his imminent death. He prefers just to carry on thinking that someone is going to get to walk out of here alive.

ooo

In the end Raito brings Takada the pieces of paper with no argument. They stand in her office and he watches, a small smile on his face, as she writes down each name. _In your best handwriting. _It's funny to think that the world will be waiting breathlessly when the event is broadcast, they won't know that it was all already decided. Two clever, competent people making decisions in silence and sunlight.

She writes down the last name - _Halle Bullook, _Lidner's real name - and lays down her pen.

"There," she says. "Now, isn't it better to know that it's all in hand?" She can feel herself trying to smile hopefully, like they have actually had a fight, like she wants him to forgive her. She forces herself not to. She is not _needy. _Especially not when he's proved himself weaker than she ever knew. She distracts herself, then, picks up the papers, folds them. "I'll keep these on me for now. We can discuss a hiding place for them afterwards."

Raito doesn't look like he's really listening. He's probably thinking about the broadcast, about what this will mean for Kira and the world. Takada half-wants to take his hand, put her arms round him, reassure herself that they are in this together, that she won't need to go on alone. But she can't. That would just be pretending. Telling herself everything was going to be perfect. She knows now that the only person whom she can rely on to be perfect is herself.

"Are we ready?" she says to him. "Is there anything we've neglected?"

Raito glances at her, seems to drag his thoughts back to the here-and-now.

"Yes," he says. "Aizawa's wife. You need to go and see her. Make sure she doesn't make trouble."

A good point. If Eriko Aizawa witnesses her husband's death and it comes as a surprise, she might well be shaken up enough to do something stupid: to attempt suicide again, or try and contact the police, or even one of the less discerning news stations. Sakura TV would welcome an exclusive with her. It's not like it would cause any real damage, but it would be messy. And it wouldn't suit Kira's image, that's for sure.

And while Takada would prefer to spend as little time as possible with that woman, she can't deny she's by far the best-placed to have this particular discussion with her. "I'll go and talk to her now."

He doesn't respond, and she actually clears her throat. He really shouldn't be getting so involved in this right now, he's really not up to it. Thank goodness she's got the papers, at least.

He looks over at her, and seems to wake up a bit - his expression becomes brisker. "Good. I'll watch the show from the Imperial Hotel - make sure Mikami and Misa don't cause any trouble either. I imagine I won't see you again before it, but... I'm sure you'll do well."

"Thank you." She feels the smile rise up unbidden, and for a moment it's as if nothing's changed between them, as if he's still the one person she admires most in the world. She lets herself enjoy that moment for a bit, and perhaps he feels it too, because he leans over and kisses her, quickly. The office walls are glass and there are people in the corridors but Takada almost doesn't mind. And it's good for people to see that Kira's spokeswoman is human, isn't it?

They walk to the exit together, and she leaves him standing in the winter sunlight, watching her.

The hotel room is already untidy, although since Eriko injured herself, room service hasn't been allowed in, so perhaps it's not surprising. But the beds are all unmade, nothing is in its correct place, and dirty plates and cups seem to have been left on every surface. The room smells of small child now, even though Youko Aizawa has hardly been in it for more than a few days. The inhabitants don't look much better - Eriko and Yumi are still wearing the clothes they were in last time Takada saw them, and they're pale-faced, sallow, staring vacantly at her. And the younger child's clothes are speckled with food stains, and she is clinging tightly to her mother with grubby hands.

Takada makes a few pleasantries, but she doesn't really expect much of a response. At least soon she won't have to bother being friendly to this woman any more.

"I've got some sad news," she says at last, and then, hoping that she sounds kind, aware of the human feeling involved: "Perhaps we could talk separately? Your daughters could wait in the other room -"

The older girl gets to her feet and almost runs as she goes into the bathroom. She slams the door hard behind her and after a moment, there is the rush of a tap being turned full on. Takada thinks she can hear crying underneath it.

"Youko will become distressed if she can't see me," Eriko says, her voice dull - not even a token attempt at politeness. "We'd be unable to hear ourselves think."

"Very well." It isn't as if Takada cares about the children hearing something they won't like. "Your husband has been taken into Kira's custody, and his judgement is scheduled to occur at five past three today."

She wasn't sure what reaction she would get. She expected tears to be involved; maybe pleading, desperation, or maybe no response at all, maybe the woman would freeze her out. For a moment it seems like that's what's going to happen - Eriko doesn't seem to hear, to react, but then after a while her face crumples and she starts to cry - silently, but with no attempt to regain control or hide the tears. The little girl whimpers, presses closer, burying her face in her mother's chest. Takada stands there looking at them and wonders what on earth she's meant to say. _I'm sorry _would be a lie, and quite frankly after all the rudeness she's had to put up with from this woman she doesn't see why she needs to make the concession.

In the end she decides that practicality is best. "It will be witnessed on NHN, so I would advise that you keep the children away from the TV for today. I'm telling you in advance so that you've got time to prepare yourself. I don't want you to -"

"How -" Eriko is crying so hard she has to struggle for breath, but eventually she manages to say, "How can you stand here and - and tell me like that? He hasn't - he's part of the police force, he's never even got a _parking ticket - _he's done nothing wrong and you're just standing here telling me..."

"He defied Kira," Takada says, trying not to let her voice show how obvious this is. "On a continual basis. He tried to kill him, stole his property... he's indirectly responsible for a horrendous number of crimes that have occurred in the past week. Of course you'll tell me he's a good man - I understand, that's what any wife would say. But you have to understand -"

"What is _wrong _with you?" Eriko yells at her, and Youko starts to cry. "You're supposed to be smart, you should - Kira's killed hundreds and hundreds of people! It's Shuichi's _job _to catch murderers! You're standing here talking like this makes any sense at all - don't you see?" There's a pleading note to her voice now. "Don't you get it?"

"Kira hunts down those who've broken the law," Takada says, and her voice is scornful now but she really doesn't care any more. "Throughout history, humans have hurt and killed and tormented each other just because of greed or - or anger or whatever." She raises her voice above the child's wails. "Kira's approach _works. _You've seen the crime statistics. Kira's actually creating a world where no one gets hurt, no one has to be scared. Of course I don't want to see a good citizen like your husband die for nothing, but he's jeopardising the fate of that world. He had ample opportunity to stand down and be part of the new world, and he chose not to - I believe because he couldn't bear to admit that he was wrong. Even concern for your welfare didn't stop him, did it? In fact, the stakes becoming higher actually seemed to spur him on."

Eriko is pale and she hardly seems to notice that Youko is near to hysterics. She stares up at Takada and she says, "That's - that's not true..." but then she doesn't say anything more, probably because she's realised how true it is.

"It's no different from him facing the death penalty for murder," Takada says, feeling a bit better now Eriko seems to be understanding. "You'd feel just as devastated, I'm sure. You'd be just as positive that he was a good man underneath. But that wouldn't change the fact that he disrupted the - the social order... he carried out actions that would impact negatively on the people around him, and that he knew what he was doing. I know you must be looking for someone to blame right now, but... please, try and understand."

Eriko blinks, and, at last turns to her child, starts soothing her, telling her how it's all right. Her own sobs are fading now, apart from the odd choke or sniff. Takada is just starting to think that maybe she has done her duty and can go back to doing something that doesn't feel like babysitting when Eriko says, "How sure are you that Kira's reliable, then, Takada-san?"

Takada actually hears herself give an incredulous little sigh as though she can't _believe _this woman's stupidity, but it's only to cover the sudden feeling that the ground is opening up under her feet. For god's sake, she does not want to talk about this. She _knows _that Raito is anything but reliable, but she has taken steps, she is the one in control... Why do people keep asking as though she's so stupid she hasn't realised?

"It just seems like it's going to be very difficult if it turns out you were wrong about him," Eriko says. She drops a kiss onto her daughter's head - she's not looking at Takada, she talks as if she's pretending she's not having this conversation. "After all, if anyone who disagrees with him gets killed, you'd have a problem if it turned out he didn't like _you, _wouldn't you? I mean, look at that Demegawa on Sakura TV. He obviously thought Kira liked him and then -"

"Yes, thank you, I'm not really that interested in your thoughts on the situation," Takada has snapped out before she can think. She makes herself take a slow, small breath - she is reacting to this despite herself. Raito wouldn't do anything like what Eriko - and that SPK agent - suggested. Demegawa was a liability. Takada is an asset. It's just the continued implication that Takada has somehow missed something, needs warning. Like she's some idiot who can't take care of herself.

"_Please_ -" Eriko looks up at her now. Her face is puffy and red and her nose is running a little and all in all she looks as if she's gained twenty years in the last half-hour. But she doesn't seem to care, she just carries on, "Please - you can stop this, I know you can. I mean even if you're scared of Kira can't you - if he's so powerful why would he even _care _whether a few people against him live or die? You could - I don't know, you could - please, Takada-san, I'm... I'm begging you..." She gulps a little. "You... don't you have anyone you care about? Wouldn't you do anything to help them, if they were... if things were like this?"

Takada wishes she could say _yes, _that she could understand Eriko's desperation a bit more. Perhaps a few weeks ago she would have been able to, she would have deluded herself that Raito was perfect and her heart would be broken if anything happened to him. But now she knows that's not true. If Raito continued to make trouble - if he continued to tarnish Kira's image - Takada would do whatever was necessary. Because she's not some lovestruck idiot. She is a strong, intelligent woman and she is going to change the world.

Besides, it isn't like she can go back on this now. The names have been written. Eriko's husband is to all intents and purposes already dead. And what does the woman expect her to do? Back down at the last second, say a mistake had been made? That would destroy Kira's image - and not just that, she herself could be in serious trouble - questions would be asked about why she went along with this if she knew it wasn't Kira's will. Oh, she'd _like _to help, she wants to bring goodness to everyone, but there really isn't anything she can do. The path is set now, and she is not scared.

She breathes deeply, trying not to make it obvious, and she smiles kindly down at Eriko, and, drawing the confidence and charm that comes only with communicating good to the world around her, she says, "There's very little I can do, and... I doubt it would be practical to try. But -" - before Eriko can start crying or shouting again - "I understand how hard this is for you. None of this was your fault. So... would it help if I were to take you to where he is? So you can say goodbye?"

And even though Eriko's acceptance is hardly as grateful as you would expect, Takada can feel the calmness creeping back over her. This is what she's here to do: bring Kira's message, Kira's attitudes, to the people. To communicate Kira's goodness through her own actions. To do whatever is necessary to remake the world. No matter what anyone - even Raito - does to try and stop her.

ooo

Aizawa feels like he didn't sleep at all, but the sun rose and he's pretty sure at least some of the thoughts he had were dreams, so perhaps he did. For a long while he lies still, staring at the marks on the ceiling, and his mind chases itself in circles reminding him of how bad the situation is. It takes him far longer than it should have to remember that any minute they might drag him off to pull his fingernails out or something, or worse, bring Eriko and the girls in and tell him they're going to -

He makes himself scramble off the bunk, stretch his legs, splash his face with tepid water. Mogi has clearly been awake for some time - he perches on the bottom bunk, silent as always, barely seeming to register Aizawa's presence. Eventually, he says, "It might be a while before they speak to us. I had to wait for most of a day."

Aizawa grunts, still not sure he wants to waste words on his colleague but conscious at the same time of how petty that is in a situation like this. Besides, he's not sure he buys it. Raito's given them the rest of the night to think, and can't afford to waste time, not when every day belief in Kira's power is weakening. The delay probably only means he's decided to target Lidner or Matsuda or Ide first - there's more of a chance Lidner would actually know something, and Raito would assume Matsuda could be easily persuaded to give him any information. And Ide, of course, might be able to provide the location of those pages. Given time.

When the door is unlocked he jumps despite himself, and he's furious for making his unease so obvious. But even Mogi glances quickly up. It's not Raito, though - one of the regular prison guards and one of Takada's bodyguards. They tell Aizawa to come forward. It's like he's missed a step and although he does manage to get himself to the door he doesn't remember how. Just that suddenly he's being marched down the corridor, then down stairs, and he's wishing he'd used the time somehow to _do _something, _think _of something - what if they do say they'll kill Eriko or Yumi or Youko unless he tells them all he knows - no matter how hard he tries all he can think is that Raito wouldn't do that, wouldn't really be so cruel as to present him with that choice and he hates himself for being so naive.

A white-walled room, and Eriko and the children are sitting at a table. He actually does stumble to a halt at the doorway, gets dragged forward, but Eriko has got up, is saying, "It's all right - Shuichi_, listen, _it's all right -" She doesn't sound like she believes it, but she's at least making an effort not to lose it completely and so Aizawa grits his teeth and tells himself he's got no right to give in to panic. At least Raito isn't here - though Takada is, standing by the table like she's about to chair a meeting, flanked by two more bodyguards. She looks surprisingly grumpy for someone who's about to get to rule the world, but perhaps it's just every other Kira looks subdued when you remember Raito's manic laughter.

Eriko glances nervously from him to Takada and then says, "Does he know?" Her voice shakes, but she throws the words out like she's determined no one will feel sorry for her. It's not that which bothers Aizawa as much as the resignation in her voice. She should be confused by all this, horrified, angry even, she shouldn't be sounding like she's _accepted _that her life's being ruined.

Takada doesn't ask him what he does know, of course - she looks straight through him, at the men who brought him here: "Has Yagami-kun spoken to him at all today?" Presumably they shake their heads, because Takada shrugs, and says to Eriko, "Then I assume not. Though he knew what he was risking, so he's probably worked it out."

Aizawa feels like all his thoughts have come up against a wall as he works out what this is suggesting. If he were going to be interrogated, there's no way Raito wouldn't be present. So that suggests Raito doesn't need any information from him. And the only way that can be the case is if he's got the notebook back. Or at least pages from it. Oh _god, _what if they've brought him down here to die in front of his family -

"Anyway," Takada says to Eriko. "I can give you fifteen minutes. I will of course allow you some privacy, although you'll be observed."

The door closes behind her and the bodyguards, although they can still be seen, behind the glass panels in the wall. Aizawa sits down at the other side of the table, trying to tell himself that it really doesn't _matter _what he does any more, that he's going to be dead in a matter of hours probably. Facing Eriko like this it's a little like a job interview. Or a pre-divorce-court meeting, of course. Eriko takes a deep breath and then her mouth quivers and she presses her hand to it and Aizawa tells himself not to be a coward.

"They're going -" He wishes Yumi and Youko weren't here. "They're going to kill me, aren't they? That's what they told you." He sounds truculent, like he wants to be told he's exaggerating.

Eriko manages to nod, angrily rubs at the tears in her eyes. Yumi is crying too, huddled in her chair, not looking at them. Youko, sitting on Eriko's lap now, clinging to her, doesn't seem to even be listening. That's something, at least.

"Three... three o'clock, Takada said," says Eriko at last. "Well. Five past. Not that..."

There's a clock on the wall behind her. It says it's coming up to midday. Aizawa wishes he hadn't looked.

"Are you all right?" he says. "You - all of you -"

"Of course I'm not _all right_!" she snaps. "Some lunatic is going to have you murdered for doing your job and no one is even bothered by this! I feel like I'm going mad!"

"I know. I know, I meant... you know I meant had they hurt you. Any of you. Is Youko -"

"Youko's not very happy right now, no." The little girl doesn't even look up at the mention of her name. Aizawa knows he's not been home much but he does remember on the few occasions he has seen his younger daughter that she reacted to things, sought attention, bickered with her sister. She didn't just sit clinging to her mother with her face hidden. "Yumi and I have... been waiting. That's all. Just waiting. No more TV appearances or anything. Damn it, Shuichi, did you give yourself up?" She almost shouts it. "Did you think somehow that we'd _prefer _this -"

"Of course I didn't! I was - we thought we had a good chance of getting things back to normal, all right? But that - but Kira anticipated it. It... last night. And now it looks like he's -" He makes himself stop. He can't tell her a thing - god, even her being here might make Raito think she's a security risk, afterwards -

Eriko seems to understand why he stopped, or perhaps she just doesn't care about the details of the situation.

"Takada brought us here," she says. "I think she felt she was doing us a favour. Well. She is, really, isn't she? She's been so _kind _to us."

Aizawa isn't sure who he hates more: Raito for revelling in what he does or Takada for seemingly brushing it off. Although right now the hate is more a reflex than anything else. Taking in the knowledge that he's going to die in three hours - well, a little less than that now - is going to have to wait, so in the meantime his mind occupies itself with other thoughts, old thoughts.

"May I ask you something?" Eriko says.

Aizawa wants to say something flippant like _well, this'll be your last chance to, _but he can't get the words out. He just nods.

"Why did you do it?" she asks.

For a moment the air is very still. Yumi has turned to look at him; the sun slides across the end wall, over the clock. Eriko just watches, as if she doesn't even particularly care what the answer is.

"Go after Kira, you mean?" he says.

She nods.

"Because... because it's the right thing to do." He sounds defensive, and that makes him feel even less like he's got a leg to stand on. "Because he was killing people. And don't tell me they deserved it. It wasn't just murderers and, and gangsters or whatever. It was petty criminals, pickpockets and, and embezzlers. It was police, agents, people who just thought perhaps it wasn't the best idea to let one person have the power of life and death over whoever he wanted!" Eriko still just looks, and he's almost pleading with her now to understand, or at least not to hate him: "Ukita died for this case. Chief Yagami did. I couldn't just sit back and... and..."

She's crying again. But she leans forward and she takes his hand. That gives him the courage to say, "You're thinking I did it just because I'm too stubborn for my own good, right? Or... or because I wanted to make myself feel like a hero or whatever -"

"Oh, you _did _carry on with it because you're stubborn." A snort - he can't tell whether it's amusement or anger. "Hasn't it always been that you don't let anyone else tell you what to think? Of course you weren't going to stop just because it was dangerous."

That still makes it sound like he carried on out of pride. He stares at her and he wants her to say that she understands, that she's - hell, not _proud _perhaps (although someone should be proud of them, really, this isn't why he kept going but he thinks all of them deserve more credit than they've got) but that she gets it, she respects his decision or whatever. She doesn't say anything more, though. And why does he need her to? At this point something as petty as that really shouldn't matter.

"I didn't mean..." She rubs at the tears on her face with the back of her hand. "Of course you were going to keep trying. That's just what you'd do."

"By this point, I couldn't just walk away even if I wanted to. You might have noticed that. It's not - I didn't know things would go to hell so fast."

Youko still hasn't looked up at him, and his mind's trying to trick him into thinking he can't properly remember what she looks like. The memories are blurring because he's focusing on them too hard. He keeps his eyes on the top of her head. Yumi's still looking at him and with her the problem is he doesn't _want _to look back at her. At least Eriko's old enough to be able to process grief, at least she should know the world doesn't always work the way you want it to. Yumi's not even got to high school yet. And suddenly he's remembering the Chief being asked about which high school his oldest is going to, the pride - held back, of course, Soichiro Yagami was never one of those people who thought his kids' achievements were his own - but still, pride, and Aizawa had been pleased that the Chief was pleased and at the same time wondering how you got to that state, one moment the kid couldn't even hold their head up and spent most of their time chewing on their own fist and the next they were smart enough to take entrance exams, maybe even score higher than most other kids in the country. Not that he thought Yumi was going to be as smart as the Chief's kid but still, you helped make them and then they went off and could do _anything._

He's going to die and his daughters are going to carry on, grow up, go to high school and college and he won't get to see any of it. He was going to be proud of them. Encourage them to do their best but, you know, not be too harsh on them as long as they'd tried. And he's not sure whether it hurts more than he won't get to _be there for them, _see his grandchildren, be the perfect father you kind of hope you will be when you first find out the good news, or that he is going to die and they'll carry on, that their lives aren't actually inextricably tangled up with his. That if it comes to it, they can all go on alone.

"Yes. Well." Eriko forces a shaky smile. "It's not fair. Is it, Yumi?"

Aizawa makes himself look at his older daughter, tries to freeze the thoughts he's just been having. He's got to hold it together. For the next three hours, all he's going to be trying to do is hold it together. He owes a hell of a lot of people that much. Yumi looks like she's desperately trying to do the same thing: biting her lip, her eyes wide as if that will somehow stop the tears coming from them. As their eyes meet she almost loses it, but then she swallows and she says - trying to sound casual, he realises - she says:

"Dad, do you know who Kira is?"

Silence for a second. Aizawa stares and he wonders why he never thought of doing this before. It would be so easy. Yumi and Eriko are both looking at him; Eriko seems taken aback, like she'd never considered asking this, but Yumi just keeps watching, looking nervous now like she didn't actually want an answer to the question.

_I wouldn't give much for the bastard's chances once everyone knows who he is. Someone would get rid of him - not even someone who thinks he's a bad guy, just a crook who wants freedom to operate - _

They all know, they all of them know this, that he could tell them, what it would mean. Like he expects his wife and teenage daughter to avenge him.

And they _don't _know what it means. Well, Eriko's probably got an idea, but Yumi is too young to really understand. She still watches those shows where all the bad guys do is steal the good guys' stuff and maybe leave them to die in some way you can easily escape if you're resourceful enough. His family are enough at risk as it is, even talking to him at this point. It's one thing to sacrifice himself to a cause, but he's hurt his wife and kids enough already.

"No," he says. "We never got that far."

Yumi scowls and opens her mouth like she's going to argue but Eriko hastily starts talking again, saying not to waste this time with her dad by talking about Kira, who doesn't deserve it. They are almost out of time, and Yumi trades further questions for the chance to be given a hug. She clings to him like she used to when she was smaller. Youko still doesn't look up, shies away when he reaches out to pat her.

So he tells them he loves them, hopes they can't see how scared he is now that the knowledge is starting to hit home. He whispers to Eriko that he doesn't want her to watch it, but she glares at him and says her marriage means a little bit more to her than that and she's hardly going to make the situation better by pretending it's not happening. And then he knows he should have the strength to argue it, say that she doesn't need to put herself through it, but perhaps, in some stupid way, the thought of someone watching who won't be happy about it is comforting.

So he just tells her that he is sorry, but he doesn't think it's one of those things you can convey just by talking. _Fat lot of good it does now, anyway._


	14. Truth

After a while, Matsuda seems calmer - or quieter, at any rate, less desperate - and Ide even considers talking to him, saying _I don't blame you _or _I know you tried not to give in this time _or even _listen, what happened, what we did together, it - wasn't bad - _

But that really will seal it, that really will underline that they're going to die and unsaid things should actually be spelt out, and he doesn't think he can make himself do it. Doesn't matter, because the next second there are footsteps outside. Someone wrenches back the hatch on the door, stares in at them for a second and then slams it again. Ide feels Matsuda shudder, and he wants to say something but his heart is beating so hard it knocks all the breath out of him. This is _it. _They're really going to die this time. They never did anything particularly heroic - well, _he _never did, Matsuda does at least have an incident with a balcony to his credit - and yet now the entire country wants them dead. God, if only he _could _fix everything like Matsuda seemed to think. Yeah, like if only he hadn't torn out those pages, _that _would've been a good start -

The door is being unlocked again. Matsuda freezes, wrapping his arms around himself like he's trying to shield his injured hand. Ide concentrates on trying to keep breathing normally and looking over like it could be anyone arriving, like there's no reason at all to suspect it means the last, what, hour of their lives is beginning. It's Raito, of course - scowling at them like he's disappointed they didn't die while his back was turned. As soon as the door's open he's flung something - dull blue cloth - onto the floor, and then he snaps, "Matsuda. Pick those up."

Matsuda struggles to his feet, after a few seconds, and creeps across the floor. He walks like he's feverish, or not awake. Ide watches him and tries so hard to keep his face blank but he can feel it's not working. He should have said _something. _He should have tried to convince Matsuda everything would be okay, just so the man could go out feeling brave, not looking like someone who more or less _wants _to die. _Too late now. _Matsuda stops, is staring at the floor. He's practically _cowering, _like he thinks Raito is going to hit out at him just because. Ide grits his teeth and reminds himself that you probably have a different perspective on things when someone has methodically chopped off three of your fingers. You can be intimidated even by some arrogant megalomaniac who's hardly winning in the complete set of fingers department himself. He knows full well he's deluding himself, diminishing Raito like this, but it helps anyway.

"You can't wear those clothes," Raito is saying to Matsuda. "You're filthy. And you look like an axe murderer -"

"Wouldn't that help your case?" Ide says, and he's glad he managed to even if it comes out sounding choked like he was regretting it. Raito, of course, ignores him, just carries on, "Get changed into these. Hurry up."

Matsuda stares at him, then at the clothes, and then he goes still again. Ide can't work out if it's silent protest or simply that he's too overwhelmed to remember how to dress himself, but Raito is already snarling, "Oh, you think you don't deserve it? You think I'll make some kind of concession for you because you're _so sorry? _It isn't as if there's anything else here you could wear, and the world sees you as a criminal anyway. Now get a move on!"

Of course. It's a prisoner's uniform. Matsuda is shaking, and Ide sees him rub his uninjured hand across his face, but there's no _I can't, _there's not even any consideration of not doing what Raito says. He starts to fumble with his jacket sleeve, but clearly he's still too slow, because Raito mutters something under his breath and then is scowling at Ide and saying, "You'd better help him. You'll probably enjoy that, right?" Ide feels his insides lurch with humiliation but there's no way he's going to show Raito _he_ cares about anything said, so he just gets up, walks over to Matsuda. Makes himself scowl and say, "Actually I've got better things to do," to sound grouchy, to remind Matsuda that what he should be doing is saying something stupid about romance. Matsuda won't, of course, but perhaps he'll remember that things haven't always been this awful? Perhaps it'll distract him from what Raito's making him do? Actually Ide could use the distraction himself as he helps Matsuda off with his clothes, on with the clean ones. It's like he's tacitly agreeing with Raito, saying _yes, this is what you deserve, _helping Matsuda get ready for his execution, for god's sake. If he had more guts he'd say something else, tell Matsuda how stupid he thinks Raito is, how this doesn't mean anything, but he knows Raito will seize on it and start going on about whose fault all of this is, and Ide's tired of giving him targets for this kind of thing. _Tired of screwing up. You may as well admit it._

Raito isn't any more relaxed when they're done, but he smiles, a wide triumphant smile like everything's going to be fine - and no wonder, because the next thing he says is, "We need to get over to NHN now."

Thank god he doesn't really wait for a reaction, he just motions the guards outside to come in. Ide has to spend a good few seconds fighting back the fear enough to get to his feet, like, _get up, for god's sake, can't you even __**stand up **_and by the time he's done that he's already being wrenched forward and handcuffed again. He wants to look round for Matsuda but then why would he want to see what effect this is having? It isn't like he can do anything about it. As long as they're both silent, Ide can pretend Matsuda's coping at least, even if he's not _happy _with the situation.

The journey is in darkness again. Ide tries really hard not to think _well, thanks a bunch, this is the last few minutes of being alive I'm wasting looking at nothing, _but he thinks it anyway and all at once he almost wishes Raito had just killed them all off the moment he'd got his hands on those pages, that they'd all just dropped dead in their cells. _I'd be dead by now and this would be over. _Of course it's not really what he wants, but anything seems better than the thought of the anticipation of what's coming. How the hell is he supposed to do anything with the next few minutes or hours or whatever, how is he supposed to think about anything but what it's going to be like to die?

All too soon the car door is opening and he's being dragged out again. Chilly air. Traffic sounds, further away, or maybe not, maybe the sound of his own breathing is playing tricks on him. Hearing normality so close makes it all even worse, like there's _just been a mistake, _like there's nothing really wrong, but then as he's marched along a door opens and then slams shut and it's all cut off. Finally he's yanked to a halt, someone shoves him down onto his knees, and then finally they wrench the hood off.

The others are all there, of course. Mogi, still looking no worse than tired but not meeting anyone's eyes; Aizawa, eyes reddened and teeth gritted like he'd like to do nothing more than strangle Raito with his bare hands; Lidner, pale and wide-eyed, mouth set in a thin line; Rester - god, he looks like hell, he's actually slumped against the wall; Matsuda, at least fully conscious but still seemingly terrified someone's going to attack him any second; and Gevanni, eyes darting around the room, breathing quick and shallow. Ide wants to demand what the hell happened, why couldn't an FBI agent keep himself out of danger for more than a night, but that's not fair - perhaps the yakuza turned him in, perhaps he just got unlucky, and it isn't like he would have been able to do anything for the rest of them, is it?

Raito is at the front of the room - it's nothing special, some NHN storage space or former stationery cupboard or something - surveying them. The sight of all his opponents on their knees in front of him seems to be calming him down a bit, which Ide supposes isn't surprising, _all he needs now is for us to start praying to him. _

"You shouldn't have to wait too long," he says, and Ide can actually hear the laugh in his voice. "Your appearance is scheduled for three o'clock, so you'll be collected not long before then."

There's a clock above the door. Ide has looked at it before he can tell himself not to. It's quarter to two. No one is saying anything. It makes them seem like they're all cowed, too terrified, and Ide has to grit his teeth to stop himself breaking the silence just to show Raito that he at least is not going to die thinking Kira was right all along.

"If you do want to offer any messages of repentance, I'm sure they could be read out," Raito says. "You might want to consider it, if only to make your reputations a little less disastrous when people look back. It would be difficult for your families to be associated with an unrepentant criminal, don't you think?"

Ide glances over at Aizawa. The man's face is set, but Ide sees him swallow, blink hard. Aizawa might not have even seen his family since all this started, not even be able to warn them they're going to see him die on TV. Hell, even if he has it doesn't make things much better, they'd just know it was coming, have to actually decide whether or not to watch - and of course Takada's still got them locked up somewhere, no one even knows where they are -

"Think about it," Raito says. "It doesn't matter if you admit you were wrong, not now. No one's going to give you credit for sticking with this case." He speaks a little faster, eyes glinting. Does it really matter so much to him to hear them say they were wrong? Is he so petty he needs to win even this power struggle?

Well, Ide's not going to sit back and watch Raito guilt-trip like this. He was going to be resigned, not pathetic.

"I don't see why you need our reassurance that you're on the right track." His voice is dry. "Or are you getting scared that murdering people on live TV might actually come back and bite you?"

Raito stares at him and the smile has gone, seemingly too quickly. Ide makes himself keep looking. He's not scared of this guy. Raito is nothing without the notebook and for god's sake, he's going to kill Ide anyway. Things can't get worse.

"Don't exaggerate," he says after a second. "You're being offered up as sinners, that's all. If Kira chooses to judge you, that's his perogative."

"Like hell -"

"And you're one to talk about morality," Raito carries on. "It's your fault everyone's going to die now, or did you forget that? You're the one who didn't trust anyone else, you're the one who thought those notebook pages might just come in useful. You were hardly very loyal, were you? You kept that secret... and you thought it wasn't even worth mentioning what _Matsuda_ tried to do."

_Oh, __**god.**_ Ide feels like he's just missed a step or something - he stares at Raito and he's actually mouthing _no, _there's no need to reveal all of it, no one needs to know -

Which is exactly why Raito's going to do it, isn't it?

Raito stares at him and smiles and then he says, gently, "Matsuda. Tell the others what you did. When you were hiding out with Mello. When you spoke to me on the phone."

Ide hears Aizawa mutter _What? _and he can't look at Raito's smug face any more. He stares at the dusty floor, grits his teeth like he's trying to hold on to the situation. _This is not happening - I'm not going to let this happen - _Matsuda's breathing is trembling again, and Ide hears Raito say, "Don't be so pathetic. They're going to find out anyway. Do you want them to think you were too much of a coward to admit it?"

"I..." Matsuda's voice is shaky, but as he carries on it gets flatter, slightly dazed as if the man is sleep-talking. "I called Raito. Raito said he might help me. I wanted him to help so I called him from... from the warehouse."

"You were going to betray everyone else to save yourself," Raito says, almost jeering now. And then, as Matsuda doesn't answer: "Weren't you?" There's an edge of threat in his voice now and Matsuda starts to stammer, "Yes... yes, I promise, I..."

"You were too scared to face up to what you'd done. You would happily have seen everyone else die if it meant you got to live."

"Yes, yes, please, Raito, _please, _I'm sorry..."

"Only Ide caught you before you could tell me anything," Raito says. "Typical. Even when you turn traitor you can't do it right." Ide can hear the edge of gleefulness in his voice now. _Yeah, go on, gloat, you fucking psychopath - _but it doesn't matter, no one's going to be interested in _Raito's _crimes right now -

"Ide... I was surprised you'd think no one else needed to know that Matsuda tried to betray them to Kira. But then I saw you were sleeping with him, and everything made sense. I must say, I never had you down as the type to let sex sway your judgement that much, but then I'm sure you never expected Matsuda to let everyone else die if it helped him. It's funny how people can be so unpredictable."

Ide keeps his eyes on the floor. It's like if he doesn't look up then he can somehow freeze this moment, like as long as he doesn't move he doesn't have to deal with any of it. He hears Raito laugh and then carry on, "I have to get going. I have things to deal with." And then, mockingly: "I may not see you again, so... best of luck for this afternoon." The door opens and closes and still no one says anything and Ide half-wants to just yell _it's not true, he's a lunatic, don't listen to him - _it shouldn't matter now, nothing should matter, but he can feel everyone looking at them and he knows what they must be thinking -

And then he hears Aizawa take a deep breath and say, very carefully, "What the hell was all that about, Ide?"

Ide makes himself look round. Everyone is indeed staring at him, except Matsuda, who's huddled in on himself, head slumped. _Looks like I'm on my own for this one. _Despite himself he wants to snap at Matsuda, _if I wasn't here do you really think just not looking at them would solve anything? _

"It's not..." Even just those words feel like admitting to something, or like he's only making everything worse. His chest aches - he tries to breathe in, but the fury and - everything is choking his lungs. "It's not as... it's not how he made it sound."

"Matsuda _called Raito _while we were being hunted by the entire country," Aizawa says. "He wanted to ask Raito - he wanted to ask _Kira _to help him. Is that part right?"

"It - he was -"

"And even Matsuda could figure out what form this _help _was going to take." Aizawa is clearly keeping his voice even with a huge effort. "He must have at least considered the possibility that his life being spared would have meant the rest of us dying." Ide is going to answer, try and say _something, _but Aizawa carries on, "And you _knew _about this, you knew all about it and you just kept it quiet. Did it not occur to you that it might be worth mentioning it? Did you not think we might quite like to know?"

"Oh, for god's sake, stop talking like you're pissed off you were left out of a secret!" Ide shifts round so he can face him, so he can make sure Aizawa hears every word: "He was scared, okay? Raito messed with his head - that call he had with him while we were there - and he fell for it, for one stupid moment. I walked in on him and he admitted what had happened. He swore he wasn't going to do it again, I decided to trust him, so why exactly would I then pass it on to you? Or anyone else?" Put like that, it almost sounds reasonable. If it wasn't for the other things Raito had said -

Aizawa gives him a filthy look. "You decided to trust him. Was this before or after you started _having sex with him?_"

Ide is all set to answer, even if the answer is just _none of your business, _but his throat closes up as he tries to speak. Oh, god, he can't, he can't just _admit _it - not like this, not now - Too late, he tries to say _that bit isn't true, Raito was lying, _but Aizawa is already carrying on: "Right. You couldn't bear to give up the chance to get yourself off. That's great. That's just brilliant."

"That's got nothing to do with it, okay?" Even if Ide is half-wishing to drop dead right now just so he doesn't have to have everyone looking at him, looking and _thinking, _it doesn't mean he's going to put up with Aizawa being so damn sanctimonious. "I made the call because I decided to trust him! I listened to what he said, I believed -"

"_No_!" Aizawa yells, and Ide doesn't think he's ever seen his friend this angry before. "No, you do _not _start telling me you _knew what you were doing! _Do not start going on about how it was all perfectly reasonable and how you, you have some goddamn excuse for being so stupid! You fucked up and -"

"And what? What, exactly, makes this so much worse than anything else? Matsuda didn't tell him a thing! It was Mogi who got us all into this situation, in case you've forgotten. If you want to blame someone, why don't you blame him?" He sees Mogi's shoulders slump a little and part of him feels like scum for throwing the blame onto someone else but for god's sake, it _wasn't _anything to do with him or Matsuda that the plan didn't work - why the hell should he be treated like it was his fault -

"Oh, I am blaming him, I assure you!" Aizawa snaps. "I don't know which of you is more stupid, him for believing for one second that Amane wouldn't report him to Raito or you for screwing someone who actively tried to sell you out to Kira! Although it wasn't _Mogi _who took those pages out of the notebook just because he wanted to kid himself there might _ever _be a reason to use them, and it wasn't Mogi who told Raito where to find them!"

"Okay, first of all, Matsuda didn't just fucking _tell_ him! He tried to hold out! I'd like to have seen you do any better! And secondly, _you _could have told me to burn the damn things. But you didn't, did you?" He hears his voice dry up for a moment. "You're talking like you weren't scared at all, you always knew we'd all make it out - well, I didn't see much of that when you were panicking about your wife and kids and threatening to jump off a bridge! Like hell I was going to throw away something that could've got us out of all this!"

Aizawa's mouth falls open and he stares at Ide for a moment like he's genuinely surprised that Ide would ever spell things out like that. Despite himself, Ide is actually slightly satisfied. He can remember, now, how goddamn arrogant Aizawa can be, how sure of himself he is that he's in the right. Making him lost for words, even for a moment, isn't much, but it's something.

"That's not how it was," Aizawa says at last. "That's not - I wanted you to ditch the damn things from the start, you know I did."

"But not enough to press the issue, right?" Ide can feel he's actually struck a nerve, and thank god he's not completely in the wrong any more. "Not enough to insist we got rid of them! No, you just wanted me to have them in case it came down to it. You couldn't let _yourself _use them, but you were fine with it if I did! So don't you lecture me about feelings getting in the way of what I'm _supposed _to have done. You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

He stumbles to a halt at the end of the sentence, and he knows it's pretty poor to use someone's concern that their wife and kids are going to murdered as a point-scoring tool, but... for god's sake, it's _true, _Aizawa's been just as... if Ide's going to be made to feel stupid for _not staying professional _he's sure as hell not going to be the only one...

Aizawa stares at him for a few seconds and then, voice choked - like he's so angry he's actually finding it hard to speak, he says, "You... you're actually going to try and tell me I put personal feelings above the case? You're actually going to sit there and say that to my face?"

"I'm _saying _what's obvious."

"All this time," Aizawa says, "all this time I have prioritised this damn case over _everything - _I tell myself they'll understand, I'm doing it for them - I haven't seen them in months and - then the next thing I know they're being locked up and hurt and - that's because of _me, _because I wouldn't quit -" He swallows, and Ide doesn't want to see it, doesn't want to think about what's actually being said, and so, just because he wants to hate, because being angry is better than anything else, he sneers, "Yes, all right, I get it. You've stuck to this case better than any of us and L would be proud. Sorry I don't feel like singing your praises at this precise moment, all right?"

That ends it. That's sufficiently awful that Aizawa just stares at him like he's been hit in the face and then turns away like Ide isn't worth speaking to any more, and Ide can sink back onto his heels and tell himself he doesn't care, that in an hour or so all this will have stopped mattering at all. Or he can look at it the other way, tell himself that it does matter that he just acted like such a jerk and feel bad about that instead of his impending death. Neither approach truly works, though. If he's going to die, he would have liked it not to be with even his fellow condemned despising him. He would have liked not to have said all those things out loud, made himself look a little less like enough of a bastard that he would taunt the guy with a family about losing them. He would have liked not to see Matsuda cowering, whispering over and over that he's sorry, even as no one looks at him or responds.

He wishes again he had just used the pages. Trading someone's death for this would have been worth it.

Misa feels like she wandered into fog the moment she walked out of the love hotel with the men from NHN and she hasn't found her way out yet. She drifted with them and she was sure that once she saw Raito everything would fall back into place. But it didn't.

Raito didn't come to meet her at the hotel. Well, of course, that makes sense. It could have been a trick. But it still meant there was too much time for her to think about what she was actually doing. And too much time for her to be frightened that maybe - maybe he really didn't -

And then when they got back to Tokyo, they went straight to Takada's apartment and Raito sat her down at the table and pretty much just interrogated her. She told him everything she could remember - which wasn't much - and she didn't exactly admit that she and Mochi had been doing stuff, but Raito didn't even ask. When she'd finished telling him everything, she looked at him and she was waiting for him to say _I love you _or even _thank you, that's really helpful, _but he just told her to wait in Takada's apartment and one of them would be back later. Misa would rather have been back in one of the love hotels than in Takada's apartment, having that woman's smug obnoxious tasterubbed in her face everywhere she looked. All Takada's furniture and decor is colour-coordinated and in her kitchen there's all this fancy stuff even though when would someone like her ever get time to cook? The kitchen was what made Misa feel really icky inside. She'd always figured when Raito hung out with Takada they ate in restaurants because they didn't have a home together and they didn't do home-things. And now she feels really stupid, like _obviously _he was coming round to hers and being cooked really awesome stuff all the time.

_Serves you right, _her mind says, _for having Mochi in your flat for five days and __**him **__cooking things for you. You can't complain like Raito's not doing couple stuff with you when - when - _

Takada showed up a bit later, oozing fake concern. _Amane, I'm so glad to see you're all right. I was worried about you. _Misa had wanted to scream that she was too tired for the usual bickering, she was sick of all of it, but Misa-Misa never gives up, so she flicked her hair back and said, _Misa was fine. Misa can handle herself!_

_I suppose Mogi-san wouldn't have hurt you. The two of you are quite... close, aren't you?_ Takada smiled as if she was being _so _clever, and Misa felt hot and sick and like she was going to cry. Takada knows what she and Mochi were doing, which suggests Raito does too. And he didn't even bother to mention it. Misa would have been _happy _to have a fight, have him hurl accusations at her. At least he'd be _bothered. _

_It's none of your business, _she said.

She expected more of Takada's sickly-sweet niceness, but the other woman crossed the room in a few steps and suddenly she was standing right by Misa and the smile was so _confident._

_I know you were sleeping with him, _she said, softly. _I don't know if you told Raito that you were being a honey trap. Or that you were confused, or scared, or lonely, or whatever excuses someone like you comes up with when she's been caught out. I just want you to know he doesn't believe you. _

Kiyomi making it so obvious helped Misa to summon up strength, look up into her enemy's face, and say, _Awww... does Kiyomi think she's got to carry Raito's messages for him? I'm sure if he's got anything to say to Misa he can say it himself. _Takada's mouth twisted a little, and Misa carried on, _Besides... what does Kiyomi think I was doing? If Misa had fallen in love with Mochi, she wouldn't have called Raito._

_You took an awfully long time to call, _Takada snapped. _What I think is that you were deciding which of them would be a better prospect in the end. Considering Mogi-san is going to be killed for defying Kira whatever he does, I'm not surprised you chose Raito. I just think it's a little pathetic that you don't expect us both to see right through your games._

Misa smirked and said, _I was just thinking the same about you, Kiyomi-chan._

Takada's expression became, if possible, even more superior. _You can be as rude as you want, but that doesn't change the fact that Raito only wanted you back with him because you knew where Mogi-san was. Funny how he knew you'd be together, isn't it? _

Misa couldn't come up with a smart answer this time, so she just rolled her eyes, pretended like the opposite wall was far more interesting than Kiyomi could hope to be. Kiyomi probably saw through it; at any rate, she said, back to her look-at-me-I'm-so-forgiving voice, _do let me know if you want to visit Mogi-san before... well, the inevitable. If you wanted to say goodbye, or to apologise... _

Misa didn't take her up on that offer, of course. Why would she? She doesn't have anything to say to Mogi. He knows what she did. He's probably worked out why she did it. And he knew - he _knew _she was still worried about Raito, he knew that she wanted Raito still to love her. She doesn't have anything to explain to him. It would just be a horrible scene where he pointed out that he was going to die and she explained that she _knew _that but she couldn't just - she realised that Raito, if she wanted Raito to love her then -

And he would ask her _well, was it worth it, then?_

She wants to curl up in a ball and cry, but she makes herself not - slumps back on the hotel bed, letting her arms flop out, and stares at the chandelier. She doesn't need to _think _this stuff. She's not _going _to. What's wrong with her, anyway? She's not at Kiyomi's place any more, and this hotel's really nice, and she's going to be with Raito again, and so what more could she want? Why does she keep lying around getting so miserable?

It's probably just because she's stuck in here with Mikami. That thought helps a bit, and she feels a bit calmer, more like you should when you're lounging on a king-size hotel bed. Yeah. Mikami really _is _crazy, he's been taking a shower like every hour and keeps just standing there staring at nothing, like for _ages,_ and muttering stuff under his breath all the time. It's stressing her out. And she hasn't been eating much, 's probably what's making her so upset about the memory of Takada's _kitchen_, of all things.

Well, Misa-Misa is not going to keep letting other people get to her. She's a _star, _for heaven's sake. _And _she was the Second Kira once. Why should she let Kiyomi or Mikami intimidate her? And so she springs up and out into the main room of the suite and Mikami isn't even there, he's probably washing his hands again or something, so see, things are looking better already. She huddles up on the sofa again and flicks on the TV.

She's watched about ten minutes of a daytime chat show - it isn't making any sense, it's tricky working out what's going when you come in during the middle - when she hears the door rattle open. She leaps up, hastily tries to tidy up her hair, but Raito just walks straight past her, over to the TV.

"Hey!" she squeaks as he changes the channel to NHN. "I was watching that."

Raito doesn't answer her, and suddenly she's horribly close to tears. For god's sake, what's _wrong _with her, who _wants _to have a fight with their boyfriend? Why should she even care - but she _does, _she wants to grab him by the shirt, pull his hair, scream at him to _look _at her, to notice her - _it wouldn't be so difficult to be nice to me, you know - it wouldn't be so difficult to pretend -_

"Why are you back here, anyway?" she says, trying to sound, like, _normal. _"I thought you'd be working."

"I have some things to do here."

"Oh... well, Misa will try not to disturb you!" The giggle hurts. It hurts even more when he doesn't say anything. She flops back on the sofa, finds herself gripping her knees before she can stop herself. It's going to be okay _it's going to be okay. _Sooner or later things will feel nice again. Like they used to. If they used to. She's clearly forgotten loads of stuff, so maybe the last five years have been completely different from how she thought. Heck, they must have been if she was the Second Kira all that time. She wonders what it was like, whether it was something she and Raito _had in common, _whether they talked about it. Maybe all the cuddling and tenderness took place when they did that, when they were thinking about being Kiras together, and that's why she can't remember any of it.

And, of course, Mikami is there now, creeping in from the bedroom, looking pretty much like Misa imagines a zombie would except that bits of him aren't actually rotting yet. He doesn't even seem to be looking at anything, just staring dead ahead, his eyes glassy and reddened. Raito doesn't look at Mikami either, which is something at least. Misa tries to focus on the TV and its glow on Raito's face. She wants to snuggle up to him, but she feels like he might not even notice that, and then, then - what kind of normal girl gets _no _reaction when she cuddles her boyfriend?

"What are you watching, anyway?" she says at last, when it seems like Raito's not going to say anything.

"I'm waiting for News at Three," he says. His voice is low, calm, but there's laughter in it. Like he's got some stupid private joke he's not sharing with her.

"You came home just to watch the news? I - I mean - you came back here?" _Can't believe I said __**home**__ - _"What's so special about it?"

"Oh, Misa." He actually looks at her this time, and there's a sudden surge of relief in her chest, even though she still gets the feeling he's laughing at her. "Haven't you seen any of the announcements?"

"Haven't had the TV on much."

"A great victory for Kira is going to be televised," Raito says. His eyes are glittering a bit. Misa can't ever remember seeing him... anticipate something this much. She can't remember seeing him this _happy. _"Perhaps I wanted to watch it uninterrupted."

"You... you did? Uh... Misa can watch, right?" She half wants him to say _no _so that she has an excuse to get cross and scream at him. But he just says, "If you want." Then he glances at her: "You might find it enjoyable. Now that you know who Kira is."

Misa swallows. "Hey, I was only down on Kira before because I thought you were hunting him! Now I've worked it out, then it's all cool. Whatever Raito wants, right?"

Raito's definitely laughing at her, but then he nods, and says, "Yes. Whatever I want." And, abruptly: "There'll be people you know. You'll like that."

"That's... that sounds awesome." Misa dares to scoot a bit closer, so that their legs are brushing together. He doesn't pull away, but then she remembers Mikami's there, and the thought of him watching her and Raito makes her feel sick. She looks over her shoulder. Mikami's still standing there. He _is_ watching them. Well, he's watching Raito. He doesn't even seem to notice her looking at him. God, she wishes he were staying somewhere else.

"Ooh, five minutes to go," she says, and dares to touch Raito's arm. "You look really excited; this must be so cool!"

Raito doesn't answer. His eyes are fixed on the screen, watching the closing credits of the preceding programme. He watches and then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a couple of sheets of lined paper, folded, and then a pen.

"Misa," he says, "can you help me? I need to take some notes during this..."

"Sure I can!" She wants to kiss him for making the request. "Here, I'll get you a book to lean on or something - oh, or one of the coffee tables -"

"Thank you," he says, and smiles warmly, and it's him again, the real, good Raito. _See? See, everything's fine - _When she's brought the table over to him she settles down, kneeling at his feet, and says, "I can hold the paper still for you - that's okay, right?" And she's reached out and even as he says, "Hang on -" her fingers have brushed it and -

- and this _thing, _this white-faced demon thing flares into life behind the sofa -

She falls backwards and she closes her eyes and opens them and _it's still there - scream, _she tells herself, _let him know it's there, _but she's so scared that for a few seconds her throat closes up, and then Raito's saying, "Misa, ssh - it's all right -"

"It's -" She swallows. "It - there's a - a _monster_, it -"

"Misa, be _quiet._" He glances over her head - checking that the news hasn't started yet. "It's a shinigami, all right? It's what gives me Kira's power."

"We've met loads of times before," the monster says, _talking _to her, "it's just you don't remember."

"You can only see it if you've touched pages from the notebook," Raito says impatiently. "Which you just did. Now be quiet and help me write down the names. The show's about to start."

Misa takes a deep breath and makes herself nod. It's fine. It is _fine. _If this is a Kira thing then she must have coped with it before. It was just a shock, that's all. It still doesn't make any sense but... but Raito can explain it to her later. She glances over at the screen. The News at Three logo has come up, and then - _ugh, typical, _she makes herself think, irritation is comforting right now - Kiyomi, smiling out at them.

"Good afternoon! This is News at Three, and I'm Kiyomi Takada!"

She's actually being all _perky _instead of her usual ice queen act. Not that she's any good at it. Misa keeps her eyes on the TV. She isn't scared of that thing. The shinigami. She just... has no idea what it will do. Or what _she's _meant to do. Raito must be watching this for a reason.

"This is a great day for Kira's world," Kiyomi is saying. "Kira asked for the help of his supporters, and you gave it. Thanks to you, the seven sinners who defied our god have been located by NHN. We've done everything that Kira asked." Now she puts on her fake-sadness face. "I myself know how difficult it can sometimes be to make the right choice. I understand how much pain has been caused to some of the faithful. I know that I speak for all of us when I say that I am sure Kira will reward those who have suffered great hardship for him."

Of _course _it's going to be about Mochi and the others. Of course it is. Misa was an idiot not to work that out. She just... all at once really doesn't want to be watching this. She wants to turn back to look at Raito, but she'll still hear Kiyomi talking and besides, the shinigami. _Don't be so pathetic. You were the Second Kira. You must've been __**fine**__ with all this stuff. Kiyomi would laugh her head off if she could see you. _She wonders if Kiyomi knows about shinigami. If she got scared.

"I myself," Takada says, _look at me, I'm so repentant, _"I myself sinned by giving in to fear, and trying to avoid the responsibility Kira had given to me." She doesn't look particularly sorry. She looks like even her sins are a better type than anyone else's. "The responsibility to have these criminals hunted down. I lied to myself, and I lied to the faithful. For that, I am wholeheartedly sorry." She bows her head a little. "We're here today to ask both for Kira's forgiveness, and for Kira to judge. He has left us to fend for ourselves for days now. We are in darkness. We ask him to bring us into the light."

The camera pans away from her to the centre of the studio and _oh, god, _Misa should have known this was coming, and it's _pathetic, _they're only on TV, but she really does not want to see this -

It's Mogi and the others, kneeling in a row. From their faces, they obviously aren't expecting anything good to be happening. Misa thinks she can guess what is going to happen. And she - she _knew, _she knew what she'd done, it's just that - she thought she wouldn't have to see it. She thought they'd just... die offstage, offscreen, and she could forget about them. And it's not like - it's not like she doesn't approve or anything, she just... she just really didn't want to see it.

"Raito?" she whispers.

"Ssh." Raito's voice is low and quiet. She can hear his pen scratching on the paper, feel the vibrations of it next to her hands as she keeps it still. She wants to say _I don't want to watch this, _but of course she's not going to. What, start acting like she's changed her mind? And she _hasn't, _she knew this was coming, and Mochi knew it too. The cameras are still on him and the others, and there's a voiceover explaining who they are and what they did. In case you don't normally watch TV at all or something. Mogi is keeping his gaze on the floor but she can see he's wearing his usual blank, faintly worried expression. It makes Misa feel even more foggy that he's not looking terrified, or really furious, or whatever. Like, maybe this isn't really happening. Or like... she can't shake this crazy feeling that he knows she's watching him, that he's expecting her to be sad. She wants the cameras to go back to Takada now. Why do they keep showing Mochi and the others, everyone's got it by now, why don't they _stop looking at them?_

Just as she feels like she's going to start screaming, the camera does cut back to Takada and her soulful expression.

"We respect Kira's judgement," Takada says. "We have brought these fugitives here today and shown him their faces. If it is his wish that they should be judged, we will abide by that, and show Kira our devotion. If -"

Her mouth suddenly falls open. Misa giggles, wondering if her rival's got a spider on the back of her neck or something,but then Kiyomi doesn't carry on talking or even start shrieking, she gasps for breath and makes a little choking, moaning sound like she's about to throw up and then suddenly she's collapsing. People rush over to her, catch her - "Lady Takada, what's happened?" "What's wrong?" She's going pale and the studio lights are glistening in her sweaty skin. The camera swirls around but she's looking up at Misa and Raito and she is trying to say something, gulping air to get enough breath, but all that Misa can make out is, "He... he..." She's trying to look over at where Mogi and the others are but even as her gaze moves, she shudders and then her face and her looking, it just _stops._

People are shouting onscreen. The camera whirls around to a bare wall for a few seconds, but then someone is waving it back. Some studio executive, his face pale, his tie askew. "Lord Kira, forgive us," he begins to babble. "We're sorry - oh god, we're so sorry, whatever it was she did we promise - oh god, don't, please don't -"

"Did she..." Misa swallows, not wanting to voice it in case this time she really is hallucinating. "Did she just..."

"Yes, she's dead," Raito says, like he's just helping her out with the plot of a confusing TV drama.

Misa can't take it in. Kiyomi's _dead. _Like, gone in a blink. And - and, and Raito doesn't even care, which is _good _because it proves he never loved Kiyomi and so Misa made the right choice and - it's just a bit weird, that's all. If it were her dying, it would be different! He would be devastated if it were her!

"She turned against Kira," Raito says, as if Misa was actually asking him for a reason. "She admitted it herself."

"Kira killed her."

That's Mikami. Misa turns to look at him. He's dead white, his voice still broken and hoarse. But he sounds a lot more sure of himself, a lot more certain, than she feels right now.

"Yes," Raito says, a little impatiently. "She was one of the evil ones."

Mikami shakes his head a little, like he's trying to clear it. He's walked round to stand next to them, looking at the papers resting on Raito's lap. Misa looks too.

Takada's name is written there. She looks at it and then looks away. On the TV, they're still going on about what a sinner Takada was. At least they've taken her - her _body - _off somewhere now. And the cameras aren't darting around any more. They're focused on the guy speaking, and then, every so often, on Mogi and the others. _They _definitely don't look like they wanted to see Takada die. Mochi's gone white, is gazing in horror at the guy who's attacking Takada's reputation. Misa sees him swallow, turn and say something to Monchichi next to him.

"She said," Mikami says, absently, "she said that whatever happened, was already going to happen."

Raito snorts. "She demanded I give her the pages. She thought if she did that then she would be safe. Of course I wasn't going to do anything so stupid. I gave her some of the fakes that Mello put together. Now I just need to wait until things have calmed down before I write the rest of the names."

The pages. The shinigami. Takada's name. Raito just writing it down. Misa gets it now. It's just some pieces of paper but you can kill anyone you want, and so Raito killed Kiyomi. Jittery thoughts: _Mochi thought I was in danger, Mochi thought Raito might be dangerous. _Raito is _not _going to hurt her, because Misa has just said she supports Kira and supports Raito and she made the right choice. It's. Just. It's just that Misa wasn't expecting it to go like this. Misa was expecting Raito to ditch Kiyomi and tell Misa that the relationship with her had all been a trick. She was expecting Kiyomi to still be alive for a little bit afterwards.

"You write the names down on there, right?" she says, tapping the paper. Her hands are shaking. But nothing else horrible appears. Just normal pieces of paper, ruled with lines, and Raito's handwriting - a little jagged because he wrote with his left hand. "All... Mochi's and the others'..."

Raito glances at her. She makes herself smile. It's _fine. _It's all fine. "Misa - Misa doesn't mind! Misa was just asking. Misa is just curious."

"That's right," he says, and Misa's thoughts sparkle for a bit because he is telling her secrets, he's telling her Kira things.

Then her thoughts start telling her a story. A stupid little story that she could, if she wanted, just snatch the paper off Raito and refuse to give it back. If she thought she had made the wrong choice, then this is a chance to take it back. If she took the papers, then Mochi wouldn't die. Raito's looking back at the TV now, he's obviously waiting for things to settle down, for the cameras to focus on the people he's going to kill. It... it would be silly to do it while no one was watching. And on the TV everyone's still freaking out. She's got time. If she wanted to do something.

Why is she thinking like Mochi would have anything to say to her if he did survive this? Why is she thinking he's an option at all? Her love for Raito feels all cold and dark and scary, but it's still _there, _and she can still try to make him love her back. Kiyomi's gone now. It's a new start. Just wait until this is over - she can shut her eyes when they actually die - and then everything will be perfect again.

So Takada-san is dead. Logic dictates that she was following a false god, yes? And the true one struck her down. Mikami stands and thinks and this is it, the final calculation, and he cannot fail. He might well die for defying the false god. He will be deleted if he rejects the true one. Takada died because she was following a false god and the true one struck her down, which would make Raito Yagami - Kira - the true god. Takada was unworthy, following the orders of criminals not to identify them, perverting her role as Kira's spokesperson. Now Kira waits to judge those who have openly opposed him. So all Mikami must do is wait, as well.

Except that, of course, Gevanni-san waits to be judged and he begged Mikami, he said _please don't let him write down our names. _Clearly he understood what was going to happen, what the process was. But if Gevanni were the true God then why does he not simply destroy those who are accusing him? Why is he relying on someone as broken and useless as Mikami? It would have made sense _before_ for God to ask for Mikami's help. When he was whole and his memories were whole and he knew that those around him saw him as a determined prosecutor and a committed follower of Kira. Gevanni has seen Mikami filthy and terrified and constantly doing the wrong thing. Why would God not seek out someone actually worthy of doing his bidding? (That was why he wanted to die, earlier. Because he realised he was no longer someone who could count themselves as worthy in that way.) Gevanni is related to someone whom Kira judged. Although why should that count for anything when Mikami's own mother was one of the first people he saw struck down?

His mother told him to stop trying to help people, that it did no good, that he was only getting hurt. Gevanni left him in the dark, abandoned him when Mello attacked him. No. No, Gevanni was the only person in the dark with him. But you cannot put personal feelings above morality. He didn't want his mother to die, either, not if there was any way of reaching her. But there wasn't. There isn't. _What can I do? _he screams silently. _What should I do?_

Onscreen, the camera has swung round again to display Gevanni and the others. It's only a brief shot before someone moves it away again, but it's enough. Gevanni, pale, is watching him, and he said, _help me, _that time, he came to Mikami and he asked for help -

And the answer is laid out in front of him like a lit pathway and even though there is no time to follow it Mikami knows it will be right; with some conclusions, you see how it is all part of a higher system. There is a lamp with a glass shade on the table by the end of the sofa. He picks it up, gripping it round the neck.

For didn't Mikami always try to be the one who stepped in to help, no matter how much it hurt?

He swings the lamp and the beauty of the truth almost blots out the horror of what it will be like to smash in someone's skull with it. But didn't God say, too, _no more writing names? _It all fits together -

Amane is looking at him, and she screams -

Yagami looks round almost too late, and Mikami thinks for a second that he will prevail, but the man throws his arm up in front of his face and the glass shade shatters on it. He is sent sprawling onto the ground and as he falls he knocks over the small table by him and those pieces of paper are sent flying off into the depths of the room.

He looks up at Mikami and his lips are drawn back into a snarl of pain and Mikami sees blood spilling over the white of his shirt as he clutches his arm to his chest but then it doesn't matter because Kira cries, "What are you doing?"

And when Mikami speaks, he sounds like himself for the first time in days. "Serving God."

Because the pathway says that Kira judged using the power of God. But Kira was not God. (And this was why Mikami tried to kill himself before, because he saw he had taken the wrong path.) And God needed Mikami to help, despite Mikami's brokenness, because Mikami was close enough to the struggle to make the choice and God said to him, _give the power that is mine to someone who has proved to you that they deserve it -_

"You idiot, _Kira _is your god!" Yagami's shaking. There is quite a lot of blood now, but he is still closer to where the papers have fallen than Mikami is. He must not be allowed to touch them. But clearly he's already calculating whether he can reach them; his eyes flick from side to side -

False words. Just like before. Takada has been deleted for following this man and now he must join her. Mikami doesn't want to do it but God asks us all to do things we think we cannot. He advances on Yagami. A long shard of glass lies next to him and he picks it up. _The throat. Where the lies are told. _

Amane screams again and all at once she's dashed forward to stand between him and Yagami. She gazes up at him, tears pouring down her face, a smear of blood under one eye. She is crying but she isn't scared; her eyes are wide and determined and if he wants to get past her, he realises, he will have to kill her too.

God asks us all to do things we cannot -

But Yagami is frantically dragging himself away, reaching for the papers -

Amane is small and light and Mikami hits her harder than he meant to - she flies off her feet but she is out of the way and Mikami dives forward, towards Yagami. This is all as he remembered from school - the violence, that is, it is not glamorous, there is no underlying plan, his body and those of the others involved is awkward, unbalanced, sweat and blood, blood pouring down his arm now. Yagami has anticipated his approach, he rolls and tries to kick out but Mikami is on top of him now, trying to jam the glass into his throat, trying to make this end. But Yagami has grabbed his wrists, is trying to push him off, and there is too much blood, it makes everything slippery.

But this is not right. It's not for him to mete out retribution, not when he has not been granted God's powers to do it. He is to act within the confines of the powers available to him. The lit pathway is fading.

And so he stops, he stops trying to stab the glass down, and Yagami, not expecting the sudden capitulation, shoves him back and up and Mikami is ready for it and he drops the glass and they both lunge for the folded papers -

Mikami's hand closes on them first and now he is standing up and Yagami is screaming at him, "You crazy bastard! What the hell do you think you're doing, I'll kill you for this, _I'll kill you!" _But he cannot, that's the point, Mikami has both pieces of paper - he hastily transfers them to his unbloodied hand as he runs for the door. Yagami staggers after him but he stumbles, has to catch hold of the sofa, whereas Mikami does not hurt at all and the next moment he is out in the corridor. His only wound is the one to his hand. He puts the papers in his inner jacket pocket, and as he hurries to the lifts he fumbles for a handkerchief, grips it against the cut. There is a reasonable amount of blood but he thinks it will stop soon. He thinks he will manage to make it to the NHN building, at least, and return to God the powers that are rightfully his.

Misa felt like she was watching the fight on TV and every time she tried to get up and _do _something, _help, _the command seemed to get lost before it got out of her brain. Her head hurts and the light hurts it even more, like the surface of her eyes has been peeled. She closes her eyes and curls up, _just for a second, just get better, _and when she opens them again she's lying on the floor, the carpet against her face, and -

Raito has collapsed, is slumped against the arm of the sofa. She tries to get up, walk over to him, but it's like she's being swept over by a wave of water and in the end she has to crawl. Mikami's not here any more, though... she has to look a few times to make sure none of the shadows are him but no, it's just her and Raito, her and Raito -

She calls his name. After a few moments he blinks, and then he tries to stand, but it doesn't work for him either. Misa reaches him and then she sees how much blood there is, most of the front of his shirt is covered with it and so is the side of the sofa.

"That -" He is looking round wildly. "He _took _them -"

"Raito... we should... you need an... an ambulance..."

Raito looks round at her and for a moment it's like his face has been replaced with another monster's. His eyes are wide and glittering and _furious _and his lips are pulled back in a snarl. "Don't be so stupid! Are you going to help me or are you going to be as useless as everyone else?"

She almost backs down, not because he's her Raito and she does what he says but just because she's scared and she feels sick and her head hurts. But she is Misa-Misa and she's brave and she never, ever gives up if it means helping Raito (yes, yes, she remembers it all now, now that he really needs her) and so she takes a deep breath and says, "Of course Misa is..." Another wave of nausea and she swallows. "Is going to help Raito. But you need your arm bandaged. Misa will get some... some towels or something and then... Raito can tell me what to do, right?"

Raito's eyes narrow but then he glances down at the blood soaking his shirt front and sleeve and smeared across the floor and snaps, "Fine. Hurry up."

Misa runs into the bathroom and grabs up the folded hand towels, and then, after a few seconds to remind herself again not to get sick or faint, the cord from the bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. She should... you're meant to clean cuts, right? But she doesn't have any antiseptic or anything and... Raito's in such a hurry... the most important thing is to stop the bleeding, just while she gets him to hospital. What else could she do but, but raid the minibar and use gin or something? She actually giggles at that, even though she doesn't think it's funny, and Raito shouts at her to stop fooling around.

Back next to him, she tries to wrap a towel around his arm. He won't let her look at the wound, but it feels like it's quite long, like the glass scored along the length of his forearm. The room keeps tilting and rocking, not enough to knock her over but just to make her feel she's about to. Maybe it's that or maybe it's that she's sleepy and sick but it takes far too long to bandage up the wound, improvise a sling with one of the bathrobe cords. Raito keeps yelling at her that she's being too slow and trying to tell her to do other things, to kill Mikami, kill everyone, but even as he does, his voice is fading, and when she finally sinks back onto her heels because the blood isn't soaking through so quickly now, he just sits for a bit, head slumped. His face looks like a skull, like all the strength and flesh is being drained out of it. Misa remembers that she was going to call an ambulance, and she has that thought and then a bit later she gets up to follow through on it but Raito's head snaps up and he yells at her to come back and do what she's supposed to. His eyes are bright again, which means he's alive at least.

"Just tell me," she says, clinging onto the words. "You need to explain properly."

"Take off my watch."

"Okay - okay -" The strap and the face are crusted with blood, but she fumbles with the catch. Her fingers still don't feel like they belong to her. Why isn't she feeling any better yet? Why can't she be as quick as she normally is? Her eyes are leaking tears - that's how it feels, not like she's choosing to cry - but she bites her lip and at last she hands the watch to him and, gritting his teeth, he starts fiddling with one of the buttons. He's not much more co-ordinated than her and somehow that's worse, watching her precious Raito so broken and scrabbling. But she can't offer to help, she doesn't know what he's trying to do, and he'll shout at her anyway for distracting him.

Eventually there's a click and the back of it slides out, and tucked inside is another little scrap of paper.

"Take that out, unfold it -"

She does so. It's very small. On one side is writing, English words, in brown ink. More blood, maybe. Still, she's already leaving red fingerprints all over it, and Raito is yelling at her for it: "That's all we've got, we need every inch of it -" She quickly puts it down on the table, but he's already staring at the TV instead. Misa looks over. She'd forgotten about NHN, about Mochi. But the test card's come up, and there's nothing but music playing. Raito curses, and, with his free hand, fumbles for his phone in his jacket pocket. Misa holds it for him while he painfully dials a number and then lifts it to his ear.

"Why the _hell _have you stopped broadcasting?" he shouts a second later.

Misa can hear an agitated voice on the other hand.

"I don't care!" Raito yells. "Do you think Kira wants you to run away the moment a judgement occurs? Takada screwed up, we knew that! That doesn't mean the others don't need to die!" He takes a deep breath, and, more quietly, says, "Kira doesn't like it when you hide your faces. He'll _know _who you are. You think he doesn't know now? You start transmitting again and wait for his judgement! I'm watching the TV now - _get on with it -_"

Misa watches as well. After a few moments, the images of the studios come back. Mochi and the others are still kneeling. In the background Misa can hear people shouting, crying.

"Thank you," Raito says, scrutinising it all like he's looking for something specific. More from the voice, and then he snaps, "Don't be stupid, why the hell would it mean that?" A pause, then "_Kira wants them to die! _Kira has always wanted them to die! If they don't collapse in the next five minutes, get the bodyguards to shoot them! They've got to be killed! No, no, don't you - _listen to me_!"

He drops the phone.

"What... what did they say?" Misa asks.

"They won't do it. Cowards. They're happy to follow Kira when it means _he _does the dirty work, but when it comes to taking some responsibility? Actually taking steps to help make the new world? They run away!" He's trembling with rage. "That piece won't be enough for all of them, it's too small - they've all got to die, it can't be that some escape, that makes Kira look useless -" A deep breath. "We'll sort that out later - they could still - the important thing right now is to kill Mikami. Get a pen and write his name on this piece."

The shinigami laughs again. Misa had actually almost got used to it being there, but now as she reaches for the hotel pen lying on the floor she feels freaked out and sick all over again. This isn't meant to be happening. She went back to Raito and things were going to be normal... but that's selfish, right, expecting him to fix everything? Things can't be normal, when... when people like Takada and Mikami are around... it's _fine, _she's _helping, _it's _fine..._ The shinigami walks over to Raito and is bending over to look at his injured arm and it's saying, "Hey, you better get a move on. What if Mikami's gone off just to find someplace to write your name down without being noticed?"

"Shut up, Ryuk!"

"Okay..." Misa's throat burns and she has to struggle not to be sick. The pain in her head is echoing through it, making her dizzy. _Got to help Raito. Everything's okay now. _"I've got the pen..."

"Why aren't you writing down his name? Get a move on! As small as possible, we might need space for others -"

She nods, rights the coffee table, starts to write the characters as tiny as she can. She feels like she's shaking and every so often she has to stop to make sure she's still conscious and still remembers what she's supposed to be doing. And check she's using the right characters, of course. Raito snarls at her when she asks him but he stammers as he tells her what they are and she does her best to listen. She doesn't want to mess this up on top of everything else. Mikami... Mikami scared her and hurt her and hurt Raito. If it wasn't for him, everything would be okay. He tried to _kill _Raito - she feels sick at the thought of what could have happened if she hadn't been looking round at the right moment. She would be here and Raito would be lying on the floor _dead. _Just for that, she'll do this. The thought of letting Mikami walk around free to try again makes her feel so scared she would be screaming and screaming if she didn't have a way to prevent him and then, and then she's imagining coming home, to their apartment, and unlocking the door and seeing Raito sprawled across the floor, eyes looking at nothing, just like Mum and Dad -

She traces the last character and calls across, "There... there, I've done it."

Raito is already struggling to his feet; Misa rushes over to him to grab his arm, but he shakes her off like already he's fine again. "We've got to get to NHN."

"We - we have? But isn't Mikami -"

"I can't get myself there, not with my hands like this!" he shouts in her face. "Stop being so useless and help me!"

"I _am! _I just - Misa needs to know what we're going to do once we're there. In case I need to bring anything!"

Raito sighs like she's being stupid, but he says, "We need to find Mikami and get those papers off him before someone else finds them. And we need to finish Kira's execution." Half to himself, he says, "Criminals on live TV and not dying? _Idiots, _do they want to weaken faith in Kira? I knew Takada was stupid but I thought someone in the building would have some intelligence..." They're at the door now; Raito is leaning on her arm again even though he doesn't look at her.

As they stumble down the corridor Misa has to bite her lip really hard to convince herself there aren't people watching them, waiting to stop them, hiding behind every door or watching from higher up on the stairs. It's like a bad dream, though, when your mind decides what's real. But it's more than that, she can't shake the feeling she's being observed, and she's really freaked out for a bit until she works it out. She's remembering that guy Higuchi, the one she helped Raito - and Ryuzaki, of course - catch, back in the day. Because he was desperate to get to a TV studio as well, and she'd thought it was funny. Cameras and phone calls and car chases and everyone encircling him, and then he'd ended up -

He'd -

She's slowed down without realising it. But Raito shouts at her to hurry up, and he's not exactly going to listen if she begs him not to go. She just wishes she could stop thinking about Higuchi shouting down the phone, clammy with fear, while Ryuzaki watches and waits and smiles.

Mogi is trying very hard not to listen to Takada; trying to let the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears block out her voice and the hum of the lights and the terrified breathing of the others around him. He assumes she and Raito will have worked out some sort of cue, and he doesn't think he wants to have it made obvious when his death will hit him. If he focuses on not listening, perhaps the heart attack will come as a surprise, and he will be dead before he can fully react to it.

Focusing on not listening helps with ignoring the cameras as well; and the bodyguards on either side of the stage, guns drawn; and the TV station staff looking over their heads or off to the side and talking about them as if they're props. When they were first brought out, the sights made him remember how this was going to be transmitted to the whole country (and then, no doubt, recorded and copied and put on the Internet, available to be watched over and over again) and he did falter then, his feet caught on the floor and he nearly tripped. It was after that that he focused on not listening, because he knew if he didn't think about something else the fear would be unbearable. And all he _can _do is bear it now. No, that thought doesn't help either. He needs to stay focused on staying... well, not _calm, _but... in control enough that his terror might not be obvious once people rewatch this. Afterwards. And perhaps, if they seem like they're resigned to this, people might think they didn't just act out of selfish motives? No, that's probably too much to hope for. Most people probably aren't even sure what it is they've done, just that at some point they defied Kira.

_Why don't I admit it - _

Although it's not exactly that he knows Misa will be watching and he wants to appear brave in front of her. More like he doesn't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing that she's got to him. Or that he doesn't want to draw attention to himself. She never saw him as anything other than someone to help her get back to Raito, and he is determined not to let her get a hint of any of the times he thought maybe she'd got past that idea.

It would probably help if he wasn't spending his last moments alive thinking about her. He's trying not to, he's trying not to think about anyone, but his thoughts are rushing around and keep focusing on people he's never going to see again and Misa seems to stand behind all of them, and Mogi half-heartedly wishes Raito would get this over with because it's too much, it's too hard, all this waiting -

Takada collapses. For a few seconds Mogi is just thinking _this is it, it's starting _and realising how ill-prepared for it he actually is before his mind catches up and he remembers Takada wasn't the one supposed to be dying. People are rushing over to her but already Mogi can see that her face is glassy and blank.

"Quick, call an ambulance -"

"Don't be stupid," someone else yells, "she - Lord Kira, forgive us - we're sorry - oh god, we're so sorry, whatever it was she did we promise - oh god, don't, please don't -"

Raito killed her? It's not surprising, perhaps, given that Raito seems to have abandoned any attempts at self-restraint, but - Takada's the most high-profile Kira supporter in the world right now, not to mention she's been instrumental in the campaign to have his last few opponents publicly judged. Except for the retraction she aired after Aizawa asked her to, but - Raito would really kill her just for that?

_Of course he would. It weakens Kira. _

And it doesn't mean they're off the hook. In fact it makes it worse, seeing someone as young and confident as her being struck down barely ten feet away. They're carrying her corpse offstage now. People recoil from it; after a few minutes, someone covers it with a tarpaulin. The removal of the body doesn't seem to help anyone calm down. People are crying, screaming; some have dropped to their knees and are praying, others are pointing at Mogi and the others and shouting at Kira to kill them instead. The man who was shouting earlier is still in front of the camera. From the sound of it, he's claiming that they all knew Takada was a sinner, that they understand she deserved to die. Did she have any idea that this was coming? Did she doubt Raito at all in the lead-up to this broadcast? It isn't as if Mogi had much fondness for her, but it's difficult not to feel sorry for someone being killed by a man they trusted and then having all their former colleagues turn on them to save their own skins.

Aizawa, next to him, is cursing quietly, but when Mogi glances at him, he stops, as if even now he's still trying to hide any signs of weakness.

"He can't leave it much longer," he says. "There'll be a riot if he's not careful."

"Perhaps... perhaps that's what he wants," Mogi says, and then wishes he hadn't. Surely it would be too risky an approach to take just to ensure that his intended victims were kept scared and off-balance right up to the end. _Surely._ Aizawa looks sick, though; after a second, he says, "No. He wants us all to die by Kira's hands. Nice obvious heart attacks. So why he hasn't done it already -"

"Maybe he'll let us think we're safe and then have us all drop dead," Ide says from Aizawa's other side. "That sounds like the kind of thing he'd do. Maybe he didn't kill Takada. Maybe it was someone else. Mikami or Amane or something." He looks as sick with nerves as Mogi feels. "Look, everyone's busy having hysterics, we could try -"

"They'll shoot us if we start looking like we might make it out," Aizawa says. "Kira may not have killed us yet, but he hasn't told them to do anything else."

"So, what, we just sit here? Wait for someone to remember we're here and _intentionally _shoot us?"

"Maybe it won't come to that! Maybe we'll all have had heart attacks in five minutes' time! I don't know, okay?" Aizawa's glance jerks from their guards to the shouting news team to the cameras. "I guess they're still transmitting; be pretty stupid if we died off-camera -"

From the other side of the studio, there's shouting; firm, authoritative, cutting through the panicked screams like a shot. It works, at any rate; people start quietening down, look at the speaker - some studio executive, clammy, pale, yanking nervously at his tie, but at least managing to look as if he isn't panicking completely. Mogi spoke to him before, when Misa was going to appear on the new year show.

"Listen to me," he's saying. "If we haven't done anything to make Kira angry, all right, then we've got nothing to fear! Lady Ta - Takada-san clearly made a mistake and Kira was forced to - judge her. I'm sure we're all very sorry to lose a valued colleague, but this is - if it's what Kira wants, then..."

"Then what can you do about it?" Ide mutters.

"No one else has been judged!" the man carries on. "Kira's trying to send us a message by what he's done. If we listen to it, then nothing will happen to us."

"Well, what does it mean?" someone yells.

"What does he want us to do?"

"He hasn't killed _them_!" People are looking over at Mogi and the others. "They're the ones who deserve to die! Takada was his faithful servant!"

"Everyone, _calm down_!" The man looks sallow and sick under the lights. "Okay, so Takada-san is dead and - and the fugitives aren't. Perhaps it's a test. Perhaps he wants to see how much faith we have in him. We can't expect him to swoop down and exact vengeance just because we ask him to; maybe that's where Takada went wrong. So - so we'll show our faith. We won't ask Kira to judge those criminals for our... our own publicity. We'll turn the slot into a worship hour. Ask for testimonials... messages of support for Kira, professions of faith - from our loyal viewers. Then, if Kira wants us to act, he can get in touch with us. Let's show that we're worthy of putting Kira's words across to the public!"

At first everyone seems dubious, but then after a few seconds people start scurrying back to where they're presumably meant to be. Someone is shoved in front of the camera to repeat the request for testimonials, which she does, stammering. The man who's just spoken is walking over to them now, but he's still not looking at them. Satake, that's his name. Ikuya Satake. Mogi spoke to him a few times in his role as Misa's manager. Not that he knows why he's bothering to remember trivial details like this. Is he still trying to convince himself that doing that means all of this isn't really happening?

"What are we going to do with them?" Another man - younger-looking, hands plucking nervously at his jacket, hurries to catch up. "Shall we keep displaying footage of them or what? Surely he'll kill them sooner or later - this makes him look like a joke otherwise -"

"Yes, but if we leave them there for the next hour, _we _look like a joke," Satake snaps. "I didn't like this from the beginning, god knows what Yagami and Takada thought they were playing at. Weren't they watching when those morons on Sakura TV started to act like they knew what Kira was thinking? I wouldn't be surprised if Yagami's dead by now too..." He's striding over to the bodyguards. "All right - get them off the stage, stick them somewhere out of the way. If Kira wants them dead there's nothing they can do to stop it, he'll have their names and faces by now."

_If. If. _Mogi tries to force his mind back into line, tries to think about not very much. The only reason for Raito not to have killed them already is because he wants to do it in some even more dramatic or unpleasant way. Even if he convinced himself they could lead him to the notebook (and why would he have led them out to die in the first place if that were true?) they would only die as soon as he realised they couldn't. And Misa is still behind all of these ideas too. Maybe she did something - maybe had pangs of conscience that - not about _him _specifically, but she has spoken to nearly all of these people face to face, maybe it brought home the reality of it -

_And someone who would feel like that could never have been the Second Kira, that's what you're thinking, isn't it?_

The bodyguards are hauling them to their feet. Satake actually looks them in the face now, his own expression vaguely truculent.

"You know as well as I do there's no point in taking any action to save yourselves," he says. "Either Kira will kill you, or he won't. My concern is to contain _this -_" An irritated glance round at the studio, at the edgy staff, the air of suppressed panic, the crumpled figure under the tarpaulin. "We'll give it the full hour. If nothing's happened to you then, you're free to go and see how far you get."

"Thanks for the charity," Mogi hears Ide mutter, but quietly enough that it can be ignored.

"Look, I've got no personal issue with you," says Satake. "And it's not my call what happens to you. You keep your heads down and avoid making trouble for the next hour, you can go after that."

"And if Kira gives you a call?" Aizawa says. "Tells you you've gone wrong and he wants us back out there under the cameras?"

A shrug. "Kira can do whatever he wants. If he wants you back out there, he'll get you out there one way or another. I'm asking you not to make trouble now."

Rester says, painfully, "I don't think we've got a choice in the matter."

"Right," Aizawa says. "After all, if we _made trouble, _that'd give you an excuse to shoot us. That'd solve all your problems, right?"

"I told you, I don't care if you live or die. I'm as clueless as you are about what's going on." He motions to the bodyguards: "All right - take them out of here, stick them in one of the prep rooms or something. And you can take the cuffs off. They're reasonable people, aren't you? The last thing they want to do is make a stressful situation worse." He already looks more relaxed. Mogi wonders how he felt about the idea of a live execution to begin with, but it isn't like he would have had success speaking out against it. Still, the thought that the majority might have been going along with this entirely through fear is a hopeful one. And being hopeful is still dangerous and Mogi should really keep this in mind, otherwise it's going to be even more devastating when they all drop dead. Or get shot. If something convinces this man - or anyone else - that it will be better for everyone if NHN goes back to its original live execution plan, that's what will happen.

Not to mention that Raito will not have just _given up_ on the idea of killing them. Either this is some plan unfolding, or something's gone wrong for him. Whichever it is, he's not going to give up until things have gone his way, and he's already made an effort to demonstrate how much their deaths will be part of that. _Just take it one second at a time._ Just be glad that his hands are freed, that he's been allowed to stand up and the blood is flowing properly in his cramped limbs. That they're being taken out of the studio, out of the glare of the lights and away from the people watching them. That in the empty dressing room there is a water cooler and one of the studio interns or whatever is actually getting them plastic cups of water, handing them round and not looking anyone in the face. But the trouble is that even being grateful for these small things means you start to kid yourself that things are looking up, that everything's going to be fine. He reminds himself that they're still locked in and that armed guards are presumably stationed outside the door. And any minute now, of course, they could all collapse.

"This is insane." Ide is directing the comment to the air, but Mogi can hear the same edge of hope in his voice. "There's no way we're going to get out of this."

There's a TV up in one corner, set of course to NHN. Mogi makes himself keep glancing up at it every so often. So far, two desperately-smiling hosts are talking about Kira and reading out messages they've got from the public, but you can still sense the air of panic, the desperation for things to be set back onto some plan.

"It has to be have been Yagami who killed Takada, right?" Rester has slumped onto the nearest chair, but his eyes are fixed on the TV too. "So someone took exception to that? Amane or Mikami? Gevanni, what... what did you say to him?"

"Asked him not to let Yagami write down our names." Gevanni shrugs. "I don't know what his views on Takada are any more. If he's gone back to Kira's side, he'd be quite capable of killing her if Yagami told him to do it."

"But if Yagami told him to do it," Lidner says, "there's no reason he wouldn't then carry on and kill us. Those guys were right, us not dying from heart attacks is weakening the message even more."

"Maybe Mikami got the papers off Yagami, then," Rester says. "You... you just said about writing things... Mikami'd zero in on that, and then he'd decide he had to punish Takada instead."

"That would suggest Raito's dead as well," says Aizawa. "And I don't want to start getting ahead of myself like that."

"Is there any chance Amane could be involved?" Lidner turns to look at Mogi. "I know she gave your location away before, but... is there any chance she could have had a change of heart since?"

Aizawa snorts. Mogi can practically feel himself being dared to claim that Misa has feelings for him, but it isn't as if he would have tried to. He's made quite enough mistakes.

"I doubt it," he says. "She never gave any indication to me that she would prioritise anything above what Raito wanted." He keeps his voice steady. It's important to remind himself of the fact.

Look." Aizawa glances warily up at the TV, then back at them all. "If Raito's still got those pages, then we're as good as dead already. While he hasn't, we stay alive. If someone else has got them, hopefully they'll be smart enough to destroy them, and then -"

"You think Raito will just give up?" Ide's almost jeering, but Mogi suspects it's as much through fear as through resentment at the arguments earlier. "I sincerely doubt it, nice as it'd be."

Aizawa doesn't rise to it; he carries on, "And then Raito will have to be a little clearer in his instructions. A little more obvious. That could give us an out."

"So for now we just wait and see if we die?" says Ide.

"I would've thought the part you played in this situation would have put you off making sudden moves," Aizawa snaps, and then turns to look at the SPK like they're the ones whose opinion counts. Still, when Mogi thinks about it, it isn't like Aizawa has a reason to still have faith in the people he actually worked with. Ide is glowering, but he doesn't argue back. As the conversation carries on without him, he glances away, then over at Matsuda.

Matsuda has slumped down in one corner, head hanging; he doesn't seem to have registered the discussion - or indeed, the fact that he isn't yet dead - at all. He sits with his knees to his chest, arms resting on top of them. Mogi looks at him and then suddenly realises the man's hand is bandaged and blood-covered. No one seems to be expecting a contribution from him, so he walks over to Matsuda, crouches down next to him. Close to, he can see flecks of blood on his face and throat. No wonder he's not wearing the same clothes as before.

Matsuda's eyes flick to him for a second, then down to the floor, and he curls up a bit more like he's expecting more accusations.

"What happened to your hand?" Mogi says, finding himself keeping his voice low like he's talking to a child or an injured animal. Matsuda doesn't answer, doesn't seem even to hear, but Mogi can see the stump of his middle finger, grey under the blood smears, and his heart jolts. He shouldn't be surprised at anything Raito does by now, but it's still unpleasant every time you realise how far the man is willing to go. Killing by writing down names is one thing, but this -

"Raito chopped off his fingers. If you hadn't already worked that out."

That's Ide, who's walked over, stands above them, glaring down like Mogi had been making threats to continue the procedure.

"That's how he found out about the pages," Ide carries on. "Because Matsuda was feeling pretty bad about falling for Raito's bullshit earlier, he was determined not to screw up again. Of course you won't be surprised he didn't manage it. You know, seeing as how all of this is _all his fault_. Except for the parts that are mine. Or yours." He's tensed, clearly spoiling for a fight, but when Mogi doesn't answer, he carries on, "Is that why you've come to talk to him? Aizawa reminded you that only the people who haven't fucked up get to stand on that side of the room?"

"I hadn't realised before that he was hurt."

"It wasn't fucking obvious?" But Ide already sounds like he's too tired to keep up the aggression. He slumps down next to them, rubs a hand across his face. "Yes, he was hurt! Not that Aizawa wants to remember that. I told them _both _about those pages, it's just Matsuda happened to be the one with me when I hid them." He keeps glancing at Matsuda as he speaks. "Because I didn't want to end up writing Raito's name down on a whim. Wish I hadn't bothered now." His voice is a little louder, as if he wants someone else to hear, to react, but Mogi can't work out whether he's looking for a response from Aizawa and the others or from Matsuda, who barely seems to be registering that the conversation is about him. "And you can see Matsuda tried to stick it out. You can _see, _so don't you dare tell me he screwed up."

Mogi wants to say that he's certainly not going to start apportioning blame, not with the knowledge of his stupid behaviour over Misa hanging over his head. It almost feels worse that Misa is beautiful - well, that she's pretty and young and flirty. It feels like everyone is saying _I can see why an idiot or a pervert would do it, but I thought you were smarter than that. _Whereas if Ide and Matsuda have been - intimate, and then made mistakes because of that, it was probably a hell of a lot more confusing to begin with.

Not that it really matters by now who did what to who and why.

From outside, voices. Mogi can't hear what they're saying, but the next second the door's being unlocked, and someone is telling them to get back against the wall. Mogi tries to focus on not panicking, but his heart's beating double-quick time anyway.

The door swings a little wider, and Mikami stumbles inside. He is very pale, and his eyes are shining, but he stands staring round at them all and he's smiling as if he's been hunting for them for hours.

"He's got a message from Yagami-san for you," one of the bodyguards says. He doesn't sound completely convinced, but perhaps he's grown used to odd behaviour from Raito. "He says he's to listen to you discuss it and then take the answer back."

"And don't try anything stupid," one of the others says. "Hostage-taking isn't going to get you very far."

The door is slammed shut again, but Mikami seems unconcerned. He hurries over to Gevanni, fumbling in an inside coat pocket.

"God," he says. "I did as you told me."

And he holds out two pieces of lined paper, clearly torn from some larger book, and a pen.


	15. Horizon

15 - Horizon

There was this story Gevanni was made to read in school once. He's been trying to remember the title for the past couple of hours. This guy who's going to get hanged, but the rope breaks and he falls into the water, and he tries to get back to his family. Of course it turns out to be all a dream. A last-second hope before his neck broke. It's not like Gevanni particularly remembers liking it, has not in fact thought of it for years but you know what, suddenly it's become relevant. It was a way of shrinking down what was going to happen to him. Like, if someone could write a story about it, then maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal. Or at least it wouldn't be so overwhelming as you'd think. It'd be just like words on a page.

Except that now Mikami is standing in front of him, holding out pages from the notebook, and he's got this horrible feeling that any moment now his heart will lurch like an out-of-control car and then he'll wake up only there'll no longer be anything to wake up to -

"God?" Mikami's voice is shaking. "I don't... is this not what you wanted?" He's already looking twitchy, so Gevanni hastily takes the papers and the pen, tries to smile at his benefactor. "No, this... this is good. Did you take them off -"

"Yagami-san struck down Takada, and then I saw that Kira had simply appropriated power from the true God." The words spill out, almost too fast for Mikami to pronounce them. "I thought at first he should die but then I remembered. It was always all about writing names! And so I brought these to you, you're the one who should have the power - I didn't realise, I forsook you and I have failed so many times but... but now..."

"It's all right." (Reassuring him is not a problem.) But the logical, grown-up part of his mind is saying soothing things and acting like everything's going to be all right while the rest of him - well, actually for at least a few seconds he's just giddy, almost high, at how funny it is things have turned out this way. Like he set out to do this all along! Matching wits with the intellect of Raito Yagami, usurper of L's title, killer of thousands. And now he's just standing there holding _pages _from the _murder notebook _and he could kill anyone he wanted. Just now. Just for the fun of it. When a few minutes ago he was expecting to be one of the first participants on some sick cross between a reality TV show and death row. This entire case has been insane, why should it stop now?

There's blood, drying now, on the pages. He glances at it and Mikami says, "We were both wounded. Of course he fought to hold onto his power."

"How badly hurt was he?" That's not Gevanni, that's Rester, who is grey with the effort of standing up and is still managing to be more competent than Gevanni is right now.

"I don't know." Mikami sounds absent by now, resigned. Relaxed. "There was some blood. Amane was with him."

"And - what happened to her?" That's Mogi, and Gevanni's grateful for someone else showing their unprofessional side, even though he can hear Mogi's trying to keep his voice steady. Mikami only says, "I didn't see. I pushed her away."

"You said you were hurt?" Gevanni finds himself back in the conversation suddenly like when your head breaks the surface of water. Mikami takes his other hand out of his pocket. It's sticky red, and curled into a fist. The ends of a bloodstained piece of cloth are visible at either side. Gevanni tries to think what you do in this situation and then he wonders why he expects there to be an accepted way of acting. It's not like most people find themselves holding pages from a killer notebook given to them by somebody who thinks they're God. He is thinking too much, he knows it, like believing he was about to die had meant he could stop pacing himself -

"We can deal with that later," Aizawa breaks in. "I'm more concerned about what you're intending to do with _that._" He indicates the pages.

"There's confusion about that part?"

That's Ide, and Gevanni starts to think _properly, _not how funny this is but what it actually means.

"We could kill Kira," he says, just to make sure everyone's on the same page.

"Of course we can fucking well kill Kira!" Ide almost yells it, hastily drags his voice down just in time. "What - I don't see why there's even any _doubt _about it, after all the shit he's put us through - we know he's Kira, he confessed to us all, multiple counts of premediated murder -"

"Don't start pretending this is legitimate," Aizawa says. "We'd be saving our own skins, that's all. Or seeking revenge."

"Yeah, so? Don't tell me that's not good enough for you." Ide scowls at him, but Gevanni sees he doesn't quite meet Aizawa's eyes.

"Which makes it murder, and you know that! He's been injured, and he's going to find it a lot harder to kill. That gives us a chance to -"

"What?" Ide snaps back. "Turn the tables? _Arrest _him? That's what we tried last time, if you remember, and look where it got us. This would be self-defense, and - and it's justice and... okay, what do you lot think?" He's staring round at them all now. "Come on, give me one good reason why we should be letting him live!"

Gevanni sees Lidner glance over at him. He wonders what he'll do if she starts going on about Louise. Or Mikami mentions it. He already feels like he's lost a layer of skin, like any words in his direction are going to be sending him reeling. But then, of course, he catches up with himself, he doesn't need to say anything about what _he _thinks, he can just - "Hey, Aizawa-san's got a point. I mean, it's not like he's threatening us right this second." He actually sounds halfway normal, but once he's spoken, the words rush away from him and he hopes like hell no one else asks him to carry on. It _would _be murder, no matter how much Yagami deserves it.

"I agree with Ide," Lidner says, calm as always. "We can - talk about the morality of it all we want, but we know that he's Kira and that he wants us dead. It isn't like we're able to act completely within the law on any aspect of this case."

"There's a difference between being forced into the moral grey zone and... and just ditching the rules because it's too much effort to follow them." Aizawa's scowling. "If we did, we'd have got out of this case earlier and the last few weeks would've been a lot better for all of us. We've come this far." His gaze flicks to the door, though, as if he's thinking who might come through it, what they might order to be done.

_Two-one. _Gevanni nearly says it out loud. Not that he knows what he wants the result to be. If everyone else wants Kira to die, then democracy means Gevanni has to throw his hands up and yield, right? Except that that doesn't work so well when it's someone getting killed. And it leaves a bad taste in his mouth anyway, like, _oh, you didn't have the guts to avenge your sister so you just sat back and let it happen like you always do. _If he wants Kira dead, he should... be honest about it. Or something. Mikami's looking at him - wary, probably trying to scrutinise every little action so he can read his God better. Mikami decided that the notebook shouldn't be left in Kira's hands. Mikami, whose view of morality is even more black and white than Kira's own. _He's not thinking straight. He's not able to, not any more. Planned it all out, didn't you? _No, stop it, he has to listen -

"- I don't know why the hell not," Ide is saying to Mogi. "I mean you'd be there for Amane, shoulder to cry on." So Mogi thinks they should hold off. Two all. "Or is it you think she'd call you on it? Is it too obvious?" He's shaking - Ide, this is, Gevanni isn't shaking but he feels sick and like everything is too bright and too loud and even watching it hurts. Ide's scared, Ide needs the rest of them to agree with him. Lidner doesn't seem bothered at all. Well, she knows Mello would validate her decision and perhaps that's all she needs. Mogi's face has tensed a little but he doesn't answer and now Rester is saying, "I don't... I don't like it. Near said... and using it ourselves makes me sick, but... it's not just our lives we'd be saving. Anyone who gets in his way is a target now. Look at Takada. Why are we pretending we've got a choice?" Three-two in favour of ditching the moral high ground, and Matsuda certainly didn't look in much of a state to decide about anything.

"Gevanni?" Lidner says.

_Think. Just - _

_What the hell did you get into this for, if not to kill Kira? Really?_

To do his best to save his sister's life. Well, that didn't turn out so well in the end, did it? _So why are you still bothering now you dropped the ball? Why didn't you just quit when you found out? _Because it was his job. Because what was he going to do, walk away and go back home and go to a funeral and comfort his grieving parents knowing all the time that he could've prevented this?

_So it was all about you. Just like joining the FBI in the first place was only to give you a fucking change of scene. And now you turn this case into your own personal vendetta. _It _would _be murder. Gevanni has managed to carry on through this case without lashing out at anyone who laid claim to the title of Kira. Why would his motives for killing Yagami be any better than Mikami's for killing people who do no good for the world? Everyone thinks their own reason is perfect.

"I can't... I can't do it." He blurts it out, sounding sulky more than anything else. "It would... don't get me wrong, I'd be happy if he ended up dead, but I can't just go ahead and - and wipe him out."

Lidner's eyes widen, but thank god, she doesn't say anything. Rester doesn't look particularly surprised - like he expected Gevanni to be unable to make the call. No, it's not _unable, _it's _unwilling. _Damn it, he could argue it was the most practical response, to get rid of Kira, but how would he ever know it wasn't really because of Louise? And yet at the same time he feels like he _ought _to have done it, or at least said he would. Admitted what had happened, shouted _the bastard killed my sister _and then hope someone else held him back. Instead he's being so reasonable, so careful. Doing the right thing, confronting his own flaws. At least when Mikami's god was Kira there was a sense of personal outrage involved. Of doing something because some people couldn't be allowed to get away with what they'd done. Or because you were frightened and wanted to protect yourself.

Maybe it was all lip service after all -

Mikami cries out.

Gevanni turns and sees him doubling over, choking, gasping, and for what seems like ages he's not even sure what's happening. When he gets it Mikami is already on his knees, struggling for breath, and _too late, always too late. _Gevanni drops down next to him, grabs his arm. "Mikami - come on -" _Come on? Like you can snap out of a heart attack with enough willpower? _But this can't - they have the pages now, that's the whole point, this can't be happening -

Mikami is clutching at him, and he's trying to say something but Gevanni can't work out what it is and he tries, he tries so damn hard to say the right thing but all that comes out is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry -" and the next second Mikami's grip is slackening and his head falls sideways, drool glinting on his lips, and that's it, he's suddenly a dead weight against Gevanni and everything is quiet.

"What the..." Rester is beginning, and then he curses: "The piece he had in his watch - the piece he killed Near with -"

"Exactly!" Ide yells. "Anyone think it's still a good idea to leave him walking around free?"

"He's had that piece all along!" Aizawa snaps back. "If he was going to kill us with it, he'd have done it while we were still on camera -"

"Not if he was distracted by Mikami attacking him! Now that's out of the way, he could be writing down our names this second -"

"That piece was tiny -"

"Face up to it! We are _dead _unless we kill him first!" Ide has leant over and grabbed the papers and pen out of Gevanni's hand before he can react. Not that he has much reaction left in him. How many times can you screw up and have people dying in front of you? Louise; the rest of the SPK; Near; Mikami, _once is an accident but two looks like carelessness, _which would be funny except that it's not, it's really not. He just wanted to do the right thing. Except he didn't, did he? Not when it came down to it. It was Mikami who would do anything when it came to morality, and okay, his actions were messed up, _he _was messed up, but you couldn't deny he sacrificed everything -

"Don't even think about it," Aizawa says, taking a step forward.

See, see the thing was, back in the day Gevanni always used to figure he was kind of smart. Not astrophysicist level or whatever, but, you know, good grades, a consistently positive report card to make his older sister roll her eyes, reputable college, career rather than a job. Then he met Near and he felt pretty dumb for ever thinking he was anything special because, you know, _Near. _A lesson in humility. Off to the other extreme, that he had some natural talent at lock-picking and spying but he was basically a regular guy and definitely not smart enough to out-think Kira on his own (and of course that justified his failure to save Louise, like what the hell was he even thinking?)

And so he just carried on through as everything fell to pieces around him and he didn't bother to think ahead, why would he care about doing that? He just carried on co-opting Mikami into his own plans and figured using him as a last-ditch attempt to stop Kira was worth it. And now he acts surprised the guy's ended up dead?

Ide is glaring at Aizawa but he's not actually making a move to start writing.

"We don't have time to waste," he says through gritted teeth. "Raito is going to _kill us, _Aizawa, why are you not getting this?" There's almost a pleading tone in his voice. "Even if you want to take him down some other way, what exactly are you thinking of doing locked up in here?"

"I -"

But suddenly the door is being unlocked again. The others are stepping back; Gevanni sees Ide shove the papers into his jacket pocket. He knows he should get up - the bodyguards are already in there, levelling guns at him, and one of them yells at him to keep his hands up and get away from the corpse. _Wait, wait, this isn't what it looks like. I had nothing to do with it. It's a coincidence I was standing over his body holding the murder weapon. _This is just chatter while the rest of his mind screams at him _**do something, for once in your life don't just stand there watching**__ - _But he doesn't do anything; just kneels there, hands raised - they're shaking, he can see it. One of the bodyguards calls to Mikami, shakes him a little, checks for a pulse, but it's all cursory; people don't bother trying to resuscitate Kira's victims any more.

"What did he tell you?" one of the other men yells. He's white and clammy behind the sunglasses. "He said he had a message from Yagami. What the hell did he say to you?" The gun is levelled at Gevanni's face and he wonders how stupid it would be just to employ a policy of passive resistance and die that way. At least it would be something _obviously _stupid. But he's not that far gone, he's not going to be seeking death any time soon.

"He said..." His voice is dry, like he's been yelling. "He said that Yagami didn't... didn't understand Kira's power."

"And?"

"Just that. He'd... he'd just got it. He'd come to us to see if we could protect him from Kira."

"Yeah, right," the guy says. "Why'd he come to _you_?"

Gevanni finds himself smiling, though it feels like a wound, something torn open. "Well... we're still alive, aren't we?"

There is something he can do. He's seeing another step, at least. Remember that ship he smashed after Louise died? Ground into splinters, a paste of broken wood. You can't just crush it all down like that. You have to keep looking for the individual steps, otherwise you'll just wreck everything because you don't know what else to do. Blow yourself up rather than let the bastards take you alive. Near placing matchsticks on top of each other, piece by piece by piece. "Can you get Satake-san to come and talk to us again? He... he should know about this."

"Right," Ide says from above him. "He might want to reconsider his choices. Seeing as Yagami clearly miscalculated Kira's intentions, right?"

The bodyguard looks like he wants to tell them to give it up just on principle, but he and his colleague are still looking wary and their eyes keep flicking to the corpse on the floor, and the next moment one of them is speaking into his earpiece, telling one of his counterparts to get Satake. "The fugitives want to -" and then, "Yeah, well, Yagami might will probably want to hear about it too when he gets here. If he doesn't snuff it en route."

So Yagami's actually going to show up in person. Well. Good. Gevanni's sick of the guy hiding behind other identities or at the end of a phone line. _If everyone thinks I should be seeking revenge and striking down the wicked and not just watching things happen - well, it'd be good to have the real bad guy in front of me, right? _Except that's a stupid thought as well. Dress it up in ideology, it's still murder. _Do something. _Except that's what got Mikami killed, and yeah, how does he know that wasn't what he was after to begin with? All along? Just stand back and watch and everyone dies...

"Don't do anything stupid," he hears Aizawa whisper to Ide. "If they find out we've got those pieces - look, we can still work this out, okay?" Ide doesn't answer. Gevanni can't blame him for being dubious. He's pretty sure that Yagami's only holding off on killing them for the laughable reason that he might not be able to fit all of their names onto one scrap of paper. Or wants to reassure himself of his power by getting NHN to do it instead. _You cannot drop the ball on this one. You've been given one more chance, you screw it up this time that's it. _Better than dying live on TV, but not by much. Establishing shots of their corpses might well still be broadcast, just to make the point that NHN was clearly in the right. _We can still work it out. _There's an angle to play, there's got to be.

_Like there was with Mikami? _

Eventually - it feels like ages later, but Gevanni suspects his perception of time's going as well - Satake appears in the doorway, looking even more exhausted than he did previously. His hair is tangled and his tie and jacket are crumpled like he's been yanking at them out of nerves. When he sees Mikami he mutters something under his breath and then doesn't look at him again. Fair enough. Gevanni doesn't particularly want to look at the body either, it's just it keeps catching the side of his gaze. He _encouraged _Mikami to think of him as a god, that has to be a little messed up, right? Oh, sure, it's great Mikami came round to the side of good, but he never would have risked everything for it had he not been encouraged to latch onto Gevanni instead of Kira as the centre of his universe.

"Certainly looks like a heart attack," the bodyguard is saying to Satake. "This lot didn't have any weapons on them, that's for sure."

Satake nods, rubs a hand across his face, and scowls at Gevanni. "He came to you asking for protection from Kira?"

"That's right."

"Yagami just got here. That's not what he says -"

"You'd believe what -" Ide begins, but Satake carries on, louder: "_Excuse me; _he says that this man was with him watching the broadcast. When he saw this gentleman here -" His eyes meet Gevanni's again. "When he realised you were one of the accused, he lost it, started saying Kira was wrong and should be stopped. He became violent, attacked Yagami, and then came here."

"So?" Ide says, but Gevanni can hear him swallow.

"So, I don't think this changes much." Satake's not looking at them now. "Yagami's still alive. This man here, he was obviously hoping to disrupt this broadcast. And Takada... I don't know why she was killed, but now I think about it, she did start backtracking and saying you lot could be innocent, before. Now, I'll have someone remove the body from here, I can see you don't want to be stuck with it -"

(Think. You know he isn't happy with this, you saw that earlier, you saw -)

"Yagami says Mikami was accusing Kira of being wrong?" His voice is dry. They don't have time, Yagami could be doing anything out there - "Rather than Yagami himself?"

"Misa Amane's here too, she backs it up."

"Of course she'd back it up!" Ide yells. "She worships the ground he walks on, or are you too blind to pick up on that?"

Satake raises his eyes to heaven. "Look, I'm doing you a favour. Do you really want to wait out there? We're still broadcasting, you know. If the worst happens, you don't have the entire country watching. I'd have thought you'd be grateful to me."

"You said you'd give it an hour," Aizawa says. He sounds hoarse. "It's not long to go, what difference does it make?"

"I'm sorry." Satake doesn't sound like he really means it, or even like he's considering what he's saying. "Considering the new information we've got, and - and this... this latest... judgement... I just don't think things are as clear-cut as they seemed before." He's turning to address the bodyguards now. Really not a good sign. "They're to stay here until further notice, okay? And let me know right away if - if anything else happens."

"No," Ide says. "You _knew - _you realised how screwed up this is - how can you -"

From the back of the room, Mogi says, "Quiet - listen -" and, perhaps because he's so quiet normally, everyone actually does quieten down. Gevanni looks round. Mogi is staring up at the TV in the corner, the one tuned to NHN. The presenters up there earlier have disappeared. Now, Raito Yagami is standing there, staring out at them.

" - will find them," he is saying. One arm is in a makeshift sling; blood speckles his face and shirt. "They think they can escape. They think they can get others to attack us and strike us down! There's no way they'll escape Kira's wrath if his followers assist him. Do you hear? Kira's supporters could be fleeing, but instead they are locking down the building and making sure none of these criminals escape. If you want to help Kira, come to NHN. Guard the streets. Stop the fugitives escaping that way. And if any of them are watching this -" He's walking closer to the camera. He's dead white; his mouth is twisted with pain, but it fights its way into a smile anyway. "Give yourselves up and save us all the struggle. You're already dead."

And Gevanni realises he can hear shouting, running footsteps.

"If you keep us here," Aizawa says to Satake, "we'll be torn to pieces in front of your eyes. You're just going to stand and watch? Putting us out there for Kira is one thing, but this -"

"I didn't authorise this." But Satake sounds peevish and he's talking to the bodyguards rather than anyone else. To people he doesn't expect to be dead in the next half-hour. "All right, there's no point in trying to contain things now. They'll find their way here whatever, so radio for backup and - yeah, take this lot back to the studio -"

"They'll murder us," Lidner says, coldly. "You know that. Hardly divine judgement, is it?"

"Kira - Kira will deal with it if he wants you dead some other way!" Satake shouts it; specks of drool glint in the light. He's run a hand through his hair again, seemingly unaware that he's doing it. "If he wants me to act he's going to have to make things a bit more obvious! Now _shut up!_"

"You said yourself," Gevanni says, "you said yourself if Kira wants us dead, we'll die." _Which is looking even more likely now. _The only comfort is that Satake's clearly as unhappy about the situation as they are."It doesn't matter if - if that happens here or not - he clearly didn't want us dead on live TV, so -" The words aren't lining up properly; he feels stupid, like he's giving a speech he hasn't prepared properly. The mob is coming this way and why the hell should Satake make himself into a target as well? "It wasn't Kira that Mikami turned against, it was Yagami -" His mind is actually yelling at him to shut up, stop drawing attention to himself, like sounding so stupid makes him guilty of something after all. "You have to -"

"I _can't -_" Satake cries out, "I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do - if you go back out there, Kira might kill you quickly, that - that's something -"

Gevanni opens his mouth but he sees, suddenly, Lidner's eyes widening; like Yagami's just issuing some even worse order. But she's not looking at the TV, she's looking at the others, at Aizawa and Rester, and, behind them, Ide. She stares from them to Satake and he looks helplessly at her and says again, "There's nothing more I can do -"

And then he stops. He stops and he clutches at his chest and as his breath starts to stick in his throat he's frantically clawing at his tie like the problem is that it's choking him. One rattling breath in, one out, one strangled cry for help, and then he collapses full length on the floor.

The bodyguards stare at each other and then at Satake's corpse and then one of them just turns and runs. The other hesitates, glances at them and then stammers, "What the hell am I supposed - I'm not holding back a crowd, if Kira wants to he can do it himself -" and then he takes to his heels as well.

Behind Gevanni, everyone else is silent.

Ide is dead white and he's staring at Satake's corpse and then at the paper he's clutching in his shaking hand. Gevanni can just see the name scrawled on it.

"I - I had to," he says, at last. "He wouldn't - he wasn't going to -"

"Like hell you_ -_" Aizawa is beginning, but Lidner cuts across: "We need to get away from here. They know where to start looking for us -" She glances at Rester, then Gevanni, and Gevanni sees the hastily suppressed realisation that there's no way either of her colleagues will be able to outrun an angry mob for more than a few seconds. Really, he should have worked that out himself before now.

The noise is growing louder. Shut the door, barricade it, that'll give them what, ten more minutes to live? Might as well just write their own names down on that paper, it would probably be a bit quicker. Maybe -

"Give... give me the papers," Rester says.

"Huh?"

"Those of us who can't run will stay here. If it comes to it, we might be able to - time it. Take Yagami down just as he asks Kira to prove he's in the right. Either way, you should get going."

The task force look back at them, but they don't hesitate. Ide has dragged Matsuda to his feet and then the four of them have gone. Lidner doesn't follow. She slams the door behind them, slides the lock across, grabs one end of the table, and says to Gevanni, "Help me with this."

"You're -"

"We need -" She sets her teeth as they carry the table over to block the door. Her injured hand is hanging loose at her side. "We need time to write down his name. Then to destroy those things before -"

_Before they get in and kick us to death. Right. _

"Huh. If you wanted to - to be the one to kill him so bad, why didn't you just take the papers and run?" The chairs, the water cooler, all up against the door, and that's it, just an empty room and the three of them and Mikami's corpse and now they can hear running footsteps, slamming doors, someone calling back to others. Lidner sits down on one of the chairs; Gevanni joins her. Rester takes a few steps towards them and his leg buckles underneath him and he slumps onto the floor, resting his head in his hands.

"Like Rester said," she says. "Timing. Even if he dies right now, that might not stop this. It might even make things worse."

The door rattles as someone wrenches at the handle.

"The entire thing's being broadcast." Gevanni glances up at the TV again. Yagami's gone; instead one of the presenters from earlier is back. She looks terrified, her face tearstained, her mouth wrenched into a desperate smile. Gevanni wonders what happened to her co-presenter and then figures he can make an educated guess at the answer. If Yagami's got that tiny piece of the notebook - although how can he be using it with his injuries? But Satake mentioned Amane. So if the SPK prove too difficult to reach, Amane will probably squeeze a name or two onto that page. _You're already dead. _Louise had always avoided talking about Kira. Well, you would, wouldn't you. Living with something that could kill you literally at any moment with no warning. He should probably have made peace with the idea of his own death before now. Behind him, people are shouting: calling Satake's name - of course, the body is right outside the door - calling others, "They're still in here! They've locked the door -" Lidner is pale; she runs her fingertips over the swollen, red-purple skin of her damaged hand. Gevanni remembers the attack in New York. Near seeming so calm, clutching toy robots in his arms. No one left to drop money from the sky now.

And then, suddenly, Yagami's voice, horribly close: "You see? Remember he told me Kira didn't want them dead?"

"He was the one who got them all offstage!" someone else says. "He was the one who tried to stop it going out live!"

"Exactly. Kira is watching us all. Kira wants us to get that door open and carry out his will."

A crash, making Gevanni's teeth rattle as something slams into the door, but Rester is already scrabbling for the pen lying near him, struggling to write. His fingers are swollen and twisted and it hits Gevanni that he's the only one with two fully working hands - and he's ducking out of doing what needs to be done because - what? Because he wants to kid himself things are that simple?

More crashes, on the other side of the door right next to his head - and then lower down, against the edge, against the _lock -_

No more time. If this is revenge, fine, it's revenge, but they'll all be dead otherwise, and doesn't that make it something else, at least a little bit? He scrambles off the chair - "Rester, let me -"

There's a crunch and then the door lurches, throwing Lidner a few steps forward, and Gevanni looks round and hands, arms, are clawing through the gap, like a fucking zombie movie, and he shoves the furniture forward again, hears people cry out as it crashes against their fingers. Damn it - _write the name, you idiot, why didn't you write the damn name - _Rester fumbling with the pen, grey-white, face shiny with sweat -

Gevanni's knocked off his feet. Lidner screams. And the next second the room is full of people and he doesn't even get to think _please God no _before someone kicks him in the stomach and the world crushes the breath out of him.

The floor is covered with water. The cooler - got knocked over - people are slipping, and Gevanni pushes himself up on damp hands and scrambles towards Rester but the other man isn't looking at him but at their deaths coming up behind.

And he dives forwards but he isn't aiming for Gevanni, but for the plastic bottle still pouring water and even as they jump on him he's shoving the pages right into the path of the flood. He's kicked back the next second, but Gevanni sees he let go of the pages, that they float in the pool covering the floor, and the next second someone's foot has come down on them. Then they're just swimming fragments of mush, which is something at least. But not much, not now that Yagami's reached the doorway, stands looking down at them.


	16. Reward

(A/N: this chapter contains mention of non-graphic violence and suicide.)

The corridor's too bright - Aizawa finds himself wanting to squeeze his eyes shut, press his hands to his ears. Of course he doesn't, because that'll get him killed and also he knows full well that what's really getting to him is how fast everything just happened. Mikami showing up - and those damn pages, _again - _and then Raito's threat to them and the explosion of shouting and footsteps outside -

And then Ide just -

The noise is still going on - over their heads; on the other side of the walls. Aizawa feels like it's all about to come down on his head. Mogi has him by the arm, is dragging him along, and he's angry with himself then, what the hell is wrong with him that he can't take responsibility for himself? Actually it's not just that. It's that he sees, ahead of him, Ide and Matsuda, and Matsuda similarly is just letting himself be guided by someone else, and there is _no way _Aizawa is going to make himself anything like either of those two now. He wrenches himself free from Mogi and says, "We need to get out of the building -"

Ide stumbles to a halt, turns. He's dead white, and if Aizawa were feeling at all well-disposed towards him he'd be concerned the man was actually going to black out, but as it is he just thinks _good, take some responsibility for once, actually __**think **__about what all this means -_

"Didn't you listen?" Ide says, the words shaken out of him. "He - he said on TV. More Kira supporters outside."

From back the way they've come, there are crashes. Like someone's breaking a door down. Aizawa glances back despite himself. If the SPK don't manage to get rid of Raito - hell, even if they do it might not make things any better for them. He tries not to think about it, but he can't stop wondering, if he'd just let Ide kill Raito, if he'd just let him write down a name then all of this might have stopped by now. _If they die - I'm the one who held back on using those pages - _

"See?" Ide's practically jeering it, and Aizawa thinks _he's in shock, he's not thinking straight _even though he has no idea if it's true or not. "See? If I hadn't done it we'd still be in there now. Still going to take the - the moral high ground?"

Like he knows what Aizawa's thinking. They stare at each other and Aizawa hears it all over again - _you just wanted me to have them - you couldn't let yourself use them, but you were fine with it if I did -_

No. No, it's not true, he's sure it's not true. He would never - just like the Chief would never - not once has he said, or even _hinted, _that he wants someone else to take the step that he can't -

Another crash; the floor shakes under their feet. Someone screams, and then, from the other end of the corridor, a voice yelling over and over, "They're here - they're _here -_"

Ide has already turned and run, dragging Matsuda with him. Mogi turns to follow, looking back at Aizawa, indicating _come on - _

Aizawa finds himself shaking his head, and then he's turned and he's running back the way they've come. Even as he goes he hears more shouts from further ahead, and he thinks _probably not safer anywhere else. _And then, _what the hell am I even going to do? Sacrificing myself isn't exactly going to prove I didn't just want to make myself look good - _but you have to try, you have to _try -_

Almost back at the dressing room now. A crash that shakes the walls, and then yells of triumph. For god's sake, why are the SPK holding back? Why - they're going to be dead in seconds - Raito's giving orders, telling the mob to check their prisoners for weapons - of course, he's after the papers too. Oh, hell -

And then, "No," Raito is saying, cold and furious, "no, _no -_" Someone - Rester, it sounds like - cries out, a choked sound like he's been kicked in the stomach. Raito is screaming now, and Aizawa can just picture the mad eyes, the snarl: "_How dare you? How dare you defy Kira like this? I'll kill you!" _Rester groans and then Gevanni is yelling, "What, you'd rather he'd used it on you instead? Serve you -" and then he's cut off.

So they _haven't _used it on Raito. What, then? Destroyed it? At any rate, made it inaccessible. More crashes, Lidner screams, and Aizawa makes himself think that standing here listening to three people get torn apart is far worse than anything else that could happen and he makes himself stride round the corner and call, "Hey, Raito - lost something?"

People look up and they dive at him immediately and he takes to his heels, but as he goes he hears Raito yell, "It's _him - _it's him, _don't let him run -_"

And Aizawa knows full well that he'd do anything now if it stopped the mob catching him. Aren't you supposed to feel good once you've made amends and saved your reputation? There isn't anything. There's just pleading with some higher power, he has no idea what, that he'll get to live a little longer. And he has no reason to hope any gods are on his side right now.

ooo

Mogi hesitates - is Aizawa actually cracking under the pressure, does he realise which way he's going? But he looked like he knew what he was doing, he looked determined - and then in the distance he hears the man's voice and then Raito shouting and then a hail of footsteps. Then he realises it doesn't matter, there's nothing he can do now. It's like someone's tried to shove him off his feet but he keeps his thoughts balanced, he doesn't look at them any more.

Ide and Matsuda have already vanished round another corner and all Mogi can do is hurry on, through one door, another, always trying to keep as far away from the noise as possible. Aizawa was right, getting out of the building's their only hope, but then he reaches another corridor. This one's lined with windows, and on the other side of the thick glass are more people, hurling stones and chunks of rock. He only takes a step or two into the corridor but someone spots him immediately and then the whole crowd surges towards him. Someone's swinging a tyre iron and as he stumbles back, retraces his steps, he hears the crash as they bring it down on the glass.

If it's got this bad then surely the police will get involved. Won't they? It's one thing not to protect the people Lord Kira wants dead, but the risk to bystanders and property must convince them to act. Mogi really, really hopes it will. If not, then his only hope is to find somewhere to hide and pray the rioters burn themselves out, one way or another, before they get to him. Which is a stupid hope, but what else is he supposed to do, accept his death as inevitable and give up? Well, that's what Raito's hoping. Although Raito's lost control of the situation too, surely - this can't be what he wanted, this can't be what any of them wanted -

Another corridor, this one windowless, running down the middle of the building. The noise is all around him, even more disturbing when here there's no visible sign of the riot. Like he's hallucinating. Maybe he should go higher. People might be kept occupied down here for a while. On the other hand, every flight of stairs makes it less likely he'll get out of the building any time soon -

Misa stumbles down the corridor.

Mogi can feel himself fighting not to react, to keep going - they aren't _anything _to each other, and besides, she's on Raito's side - but then he glances at her face and that ruins everything. She's grey, the pupils of her eyes shrunk to tiny dots, and her fingers and the front of her clothes are speckled with blood. She sees him the next moment, actually takes a step back like she wants to flee him, and then from the end of the corridor, horribly close, there's the sound of breaking glass and the floor trembles again with another impact. Misa flinches and Mogi has grabbed her arm before he can think and then he's shoving open one of the nearby doors. Desks, computers, a slide projector - no windows - the door slides shut behind him, but the noise is getting closer. Oh god, this is a dead end -

Another door, in one corner. A cupboard, piles of stacked chairs. He has stumbled inside and Misa is with him and they're sinking down together on the dusty floor, metal chair legs like branches all around them, and he is trying to catch his breath and at the same time trying not to breathe at all -

The door flies open, slams back against the wall. He feels Misa take a slow, shallow breath. She's trembling. Is she just spooked by all the noise, enough to forget her protected status? Or has that been lost? Did Raito abandon her?

There are voices, but they aren't getting closer. Shouts from the corridor outside. Mogi can't hear what they're saying. _Go away. Just keep moving. Just - _

And then, from far away, the wail of sirens. From somewhere outside, someone shrieks. And then another voice, authoritative, trying to say something like _we need to calm down! We just need to calm down! _But it's drowned out. Someone else is shouting something and the first voice is cut off, there are thuds and a groan, a damp cry, and the walls tremble a little and then, all at once, there's silence, and then someone sobbing. Sobbing, and running away.

Mogi finds himself able to breathe again. Misa is gripping his arm, fingers tangled in his jacket sleeve, but as the noise fades her hand uncurls and she sits up a little. Mogi realises he's crouched over her, arms round her like he was shielding her. He doesn't even remember deciding that. He shifts position, trying to move away from her, but more chair legs dig into his back, and he tenses. The last thing he wants to do is knock everything over.

He lowers his head to Misa's so that he can whisper so quietly it's almost not speaking at all, "Are you hurt?" He's starting to shiver a bit now, like the stress of the day is finally catching up with him, and he really, really wants to put his arms round Misa, hold onto her, bury his face in her hair and kid himself that having some kind of bond with someone else will help at all when everyone wants you dead. He doesn't, of course. He remains still, and Misa takes another small breath - it tickles his face - and whispers back, "The blood's not mine." And then, "Hit my head. Feel... feel sick..." He remembers how pale she looked earlier, and carefully puts a hand to her head, feeling for an injury. There's a puffy bruise, under her hair, and she tenses as his fingers reach it.

"Sorry," he whispers before he can think.

The sirens are still going, and he thinks it may not be his imagination that the building is quietening down around them. Still, he's not risking making himself known yet. If he were on his own he'd stay put for as long as was necessary.

But Misa needs to see a doctor. She'll want to find Raito. She might remember whose side she's on any moment now, scream for help, that one of the fugitives is attacking her. Mogi can imagine Aizawa saying to him again _what the hell were you thinking? _He should have seen Misa and run as fast as possible in the opposite direction, yes, he knows, and he _definitely _shouldn't be inches away from her in a dark, enclosed space.

But he is, and he just has to... deal with it. Somehow.

"Why aren't you with Raito?" he says, and he's even more quiet now, he really doesn't want to even mention the man's name around her.

She swallows, and he hears her breathing cloud up. "Couldn't... couldn't keep up... too dizzy..."

He wonders if that's even true. She could putting all of this on - well, no, but exaggerating her symptoms to get his guard down -

"You thought I'd be dead by now," he says very quietly, "didn't you?"

Misa's breathing stills for a second. He feels her fingers tremble on his sleeve.

"Saw you on TV..." she whispers at last. "Raito was..."

Her voice trails off. Mogi wonders if it is _Raito was going to write your names down. _He wonders if Misa had worked out by then what the pages did. If she said anything.

"Mikami tried to kill him," she carries on, and shivers. "That's where the blood came from."

She doesn't say anything else. No _I tried to stop Raito _or _I couldn't let him do it _or... and Mogi didn't even really think she would, but it still hurts that he even considered the idea. Aizawa would want to know why he's being so delusional.

"What about Takada?" he asks.

From out in the corridor there's running footsteps, and Misa tenses. When the sound fades away she goes still, but she doesn't answer his question. Mogi thinks that tells him all he needs to know. Raito did decide Takada was a liability, and Misa knows how he got rid of her. He yearns to hear Misa say _I was scared - I realised he was dangerous - you were right _but at the same time he knows he's looking for signs everywhere that she's changed sides. He's trying to kid himself that just her being here and not screaming for help means something.

"Are you mad with me?" she says at last, instead. She doesn't sound tearful. More worn down, resigned. Mogi wants to ask her why she thinks that question is anything but stupid, why there's any reason he wouldn't be mad with her. He wants to get angry and admit that he's angry and spell out how - _you could have just turned me in, _he wants to say, _you didn't need to lie to me first - _

Of course, he very rarely loses his temper enough to start shouting about it, and he definitely isn't going to do that now.

"Why did you do it?" he whispers, and the quietness means he almost sounds calm, businesslike even.

Misa actually tries to turn away from him, curl up against one of the piles of chairs. Mogi can feel his heart thumping, heavy and tiring. It occurs to him that if Raito gets hold of those pages again - if he's overpowered the SPK - he himself will drop dead instantly. It could be any moment. Of course, he can't quite believe it, he can't quite make real the possibility that he could suddenly just not _be _any more. As if now that he's survived once, he's safe forever.

"You were angry that I'd lied to you," he makes himself carry on, even though every atom of him wants to stop talking about this. "Did you - did you think you would try and make me... like you? To make me sad later?"

He feels her shake her head; her hair brushes his face. She moves, scrambles onto her knees, clutches his hands: "_No. No, _Mochi, not like that - I didn't want to, okay? I just didn't have any choice. I just - I just had to -"

"You let me die to get what you wanted."

He really wants her to deny that, to get hurt and angry, but she doesn't. She only sighs, and then, after a few moments, her hands slide free from his.

The sirens are still going. He feels her raise her head to listen, and then: "I need... I need to go out there, Mochi... I need to help him..."

"You're hurt, you need to keep yourself safe -"

"You don't understand -" But then they hear another pair of footsteps running down the corridor, and she stops.

"If the riot's still going on," Mogi says, when the noise has faded, "he's safe. He's leading it. If it's not, then - the police won't hurt him -"

Misa shudders, but she doesn't say anything, and she doesn't push him away or try and walk out. Mogi can't tell any more if he's talking her into staying because he's concerned about her, or because he doesn't want her to lead people back to him, or just because this is intimacy with her, a chance to pretend that things played out differently. He wonders what her reasons are: fear; or pragmatism, seeing that he's right about Raito's safety; or...

Misa shivers again, takes his hand in both of hers.

"Don't hate me," she whispers. "You know how it was."

He wants to ask her how she expects him _not _to hate her. He wants to show her that he _is _angry, that she can't just tell him these things and expect to be forgiven just because - because -

But he thinks he believes her, this time, that she didn't lie to him. That she changed sides on the spur of the moment - or, more likely, on talking to Raito and realising again how much she cared about him. Despite knowing he didn't care back.

However wretched he feels, she must be worse. And so he just stays silent, and they stay kneeling together in the dark.

ooo

Suddenly there's nothing but shouting and then Ide is grabbing Matsuda by the arm, dragging him forward as they run down the corridor. The air is full of yelling and crashes and someone screams, over and over, or maybe Matsuda's imagining that bit. He doesn't want to be running. It - like he won't get away and it'll just look dumb that he tried, and Raito will _know _that he tried - and he doesn't want to be outside, he wants to find somewhere to hide, he really doesn't want to be outside with people looking at him and him having to act like everything's fine -

There's a door up ahead; a glass door, all bright with sunset. Matsuda isn't quite sure what happens. Maybe he does actually try and swerve, change course, and that's what wrenches his arm out of Ide's grip. Or maybe Ide lets go of him because he's being too slow. Or maybe they spot the figures blocking the door sooner than he remembers and Ide doesn't know where to go and he's the one who changes direction. What matters is that suddenly Ide isn't holding onto him any more and it's funny how not being dragged along makes it so easy to stop running. He does stop. He knows that. He thinks _I can't, I can't _and then -

Ide has run off, up the stairs, and there's already a bunch of people following him. For a moment it's like Matsuda is watching it all on TV or in a dream but then footsteps right up next to him and then something hits him across the arm and chest and that's real, that knocks all the breath out of him and he hits the floor. He thinks he yells _no _or _please _or something just because his assailant is standing over him raising - it's like the base of a shelf, something you'd just lift off of the brackets balancing it - and he's curling up, too late, like a hedgehog or something, and another blow to the side and pain explodes out from it, so strong he's surprised he can't actually see it like lines of blood through his shirt -

- and he gets it, then, how the guy is just going to keep hitting him until he's dead, and -

"Wait, stop, Yagami-san said to search them -"

"We can do that any time -"

"He said to search them for weapons -"

"No, messages -" "There'll be blood if -" Hands on his arms, wrenching him up, and someone, a guy whose nose is bleeding all over his face, is very close to him, sticky hands grabbing at his clothes, scrabbling in his pockets. It hurts every time he breathes now, like someone actually took a chunk out of him, like if he looked he'd see a neat little chip lined with rib and muscle - these thoughts, and then his mouth is going into overdrive, begging for his life, but he lets it, he doesn't have the strength to stop himself talking this time.

But then the sirens start.

The people around him freeze and then one of them starts going _oh shit, oh shit _and someone starts saying, over and over, "They can't get us for anything - it was Kira's will - they can't prove we did anything -"

"Hey, if Kira wants us to carry on he can get rid of the cops too -" Matsuda feels his arm let go of. The sirens are louder already. "They'll - look, I'm not going to - we should just keep our heads down -"

"_He'll kill us - he'll kill us -_"

"Listen, if it's Kira's will he'll get rid of the police officers and - and then we can come back -" That's a woman's voice, and Matsuda's all, like, a girl could've been the one hitting him with a two-by-four and he couldn't even defend himself against that. "We can't carry out his commands from jail, okay?" Her voice shaking like Matsuda can hear his is. "He'd want us to be smart! He'd want us to _run!"_

Perhaps it doesn't happen like that at all, perhaps Matsuda is imagining all this. The bit which is real is that they run away and he's left slumped against the wall and the sirens are right outside now. People will come and find him and if they don't kill him right away they'll ask him stuff, about the papers and about all the people dying when he's around and Raito, what he told Raito, and he knows he should be waiting for what he deserves but he can't, not like that, not being ground up and still alive to feel it -

He's standing up now, stumbling along the corridor. There's nothing wrong with his legs, it's just the ache in his side, it twangs with pain as he moves, even just walking. It even drowns out the pain in his hand, that's almost like familiar now. He keeps automatically using his right hand to steady himself against the wall and feeling sort of sick when his fingers - his missing fingers - don't - they don't - like, in a way, like the wall itself isn't there and he's trying to lean on nothing.

He's up the stairs. It's a bit quieter up here and he can't see any people - but he can see a few shelves overturned, papers and filing trays covering the floor. And someone's crying, but he just keeps going and the sound goes away.

There's a guy hanging in an office. Shelves nailed to the wall and someone tore them all down, the floor is a sea of books and files and stuff, and then this man used his tie to hang himself from one of the empty fittings. Matsuda finds himself slumped against the doorframe, watching the man's shadow floating on top of all the bits of paper. He is trying to think - what? Whether it was the notebook or whether the guy just got scared or maybe someone forced him to do it and then - _should do something, _you know, he's a police officer, you're meant to _do _something when you find a corpse but he loses his grip on that thought. It's hard to grip onto anything, really. His missing fingers have tangled round each other, like he's trying to cross them and forgot how halfway through, or like he's just too paranoid to forgo any possible luck.

He's kept walking, he didn't do anything after all (he remembers not doing that even though he doesn't remember starting walking again). The sirens are still wailing outside and he can hear yelling and thumps and stuff shouted through megaphones. It's getting dark, now - the sky is blue-grey, like someone smeared charcoal over it with the tips of their fingers. He's got this horrible feeling he's meant to have done something long before. Done something, or been somewhere, and it's like in a dream where the harder you tried, the later it got and then all your clothes disappeared or you got into a completely pointless fight with someone. Like, he's so late now it would be laughable if he actually showed up. And the worst of it is he doesn't know where he's meant to be, whether he should be going back downstairs or keeping climbing or just staying here and meeting someone. He's worrying and the worry is tightening round his chest, making the pain in his side even worse. If there was someone to ask - if he didn't have to work this out alone - there's no way he'll make the right choice, let's face it, but why has everyone gone away?

He's at the top of another corridor.

It's dark now, but a few of the lights have come on, making patches of normal office in the blackness. As Matsuda walks, he can feel broken glass crunching under his feet. Like walking on a beach. Sand is made from glass, right? Being able to remember something like that, he clings onto it, maybe suddenly everything will be clear if he just has a few more intelligent thoughts.

Raito is standing at the end of the corridor, under the last light, waiting for him.

ooo

Ide reaches the top of the stairs - his breath is scratchy in his throat, god, he thought he was in better shape than this - and he looks back for Matsuda and doesn't see him. He doesn't see him but he hears him. A torrent of words from the floor below, and then a yell of pain.

For a moment he actually just stands still, _this can't be happening, he can't just have - _

And then his brain yells at him to get the hell out and he's telling himself at the same time _I'll come back for him - get help - get a weapon - come back for him - _it's a comforting lie, it keeps him from thinking properly about what's going on and what he's really going to do. He tells himself it until he's several corridors and stairwells away from his pursuers and they got lost somewhere behind him. Although sirens are echoing from outside now, perhaps they just got spooked instead.

And then he thinks again _I'll come back for him _and then he thinks _he's dead by now. You do know that, don't you?_

That feels like a lie as well, like a worst-case scenario he's telling himself, wryly humorous. Of _course _Matsuda's probably dead now, everyone else is probably dead now and the police got here just a _little _bit too late to actually do any good, what a surprise. Perhaps the building will blow up now, or a meteorite will hit it, or, through a convoluted series of events, Ide will find himself framed for starting the riotand they'll arrest him. He wants to laugh, but his face feels like it's stuck, and so he wanders through empty corridors feeling like he's on the edge of happiness but just can't quite reach it.

A bit later he realises that he should probably be laying low, that he can't swear there aren't still some Kira supporters looking for prey. He stumbles into an empty office, closes the door behind him, and though he wants to sink down with his back to the door and sleep, he makes himself drag a filing cabinet across to act as a barricade - it probably won't do much if the person on the other side is persistent, but he's being sensible, at least, not making it _easy - _

There is a desk and a wide window with a view of the city and the sunset and now Ide does sit down, under the desk, knees to his chest like a child playing hide-and-seek, and becomes aware of his breathing like it's suddenly just started up again. Like the air-con being fixed. It's a ridiculously beautiful sunset, bronze-gold light flooding the office, and he watches it for a while happy to think about just that but as time passes, everything else crowds back into his head.

Just -

The feel of the pen, sweaty under his fingers, and the ache of his hand, scrawling down the name like a child in a temper, and then - as soon as he'd done it he'd wished he hadn't, except that's not true, they _would _have all been killed, it's just - someone dropping dead and you haven't even touched them -

And then leaving Matsuda behind. He can imagine what Aizawa would say about that. _Wow, you even ditched him when the chips were down. You really don't give a damn about anyone but yourself, do you? _His lungs ache like someone's kicked him in the chest and he breathes in, breathes out, and tries to squash down all the _thinking - _he's not feeling _guilty, _it's just that he can't get any of it out of his head -

God damn it, what the hell was he supposed to do? Run back down and get himself killed as well, just to prove a point? And that _would _be all it was because there'd been at least four or five people chasing them, he wouldn't have made a bit of difference to the final outcome! And he didn't _mean _to leave Matsuda behind. It was an accident, it just - and so going back, all that would have accomplished was giving Matsuda something else to feel guilty about in his final moments. If there's nothing you can do, you save yourself before helping others. Otherwise all you do is create more chaos. You don't make heroic sacrifices if they're not even going to _save _anyone. It would have been the same if it had been Aizawa or Mogi or one of the SPK that he'd left behind.

Except he has this horrible feeling Matsuda wouldn't have got that. Matsuda would have had some stupid idea of how things were supposed to go, just like he always does. Did.

Or maybe he wouldn't, not now. Maybe he thought he deserved it. Maybe he was _grateful -_

The next breath really does hurt and Ide digs his nails into his palms. God damn it - if it were Raito he'd killed with the paper he bets Aizawa wouldn't be complaining about it. Satake was an idiot, in the wrong place at the wrong time, but - he raised the stakes that high, what did he expect? Whereas Raito deserves to die like that. Raito's destroyed everything, ripped the face off the world and... and everyone _is _flawed, useless, but Raito's the worst of them, he just can't see it...

But he's so tired, he's too tired even to be angry. Shouldn't the adrenaline still be kicking in? He wants fresh air, he wants to open a window and breathe in real-life smells. Of course he's not going to, he's going to keep his head down, but he's a bit concerned he might _doze off _here or something and be killed in his sleep. _Which would be a shame considering all the sacrifices you made to get up here, right? _

He - he didn't want Matsuda dead - he doesn't give a damn about Satake, but Matsuda - he was going to help him - oh, sure, he'd been useless up til now at protecting him but he was going to keep trying at least -

All around him the building is silent. Further down he can still hear the sirens, and faint voices, but the rampaging lunatics inside seem to have given up, or maybe been arrested, or scared away by the arrival of the police. This should be a relief. It _is _a relief, except that he's going to have to leave the building at some point, stand up and walk out and act like a functioning adult. And then - even assuming someone, _anyone _has called Raito on trying to incite mob violence and locked him up - there'll be questions, people wanting explanations, and Ide has no idea what he'll say. He doesn't really have an idea what anything _is, _not any more. January 27th feels years ago, but he's sure he was more sure of himself then. There were - he knew that certain things were true, certain people were reliable or not, and now he can't quite believe he was ever so sure -

Outside in the corridor, there are stumbling footsteps, off-balance.

Ide goes so still that even breathing feels like a stupid idea. He sits staring at the sky - it's darkened now - and slowly, slowly lets the air in and out and hears the footsteps get closer and closer and then, finally, stop.

And then someone knocks on the door.

ooo

Raito is standing over someone else, somebody sprawled on the floor. He stands quite calmly, watching Matsuda, waiting for him to come closer. Matsuda tries to pretend he doesn't want to, that he wants to run and hide, but he knows he's not going to. Where would he go, anyway? What the hell does he think he'd do?

Walking from light to light. Raito still just watches. He's holding a gun - one of the long-barrelled ones the bodyguards carry. It's weird seeing Raito holding a gun. Matsuda wonders what he'll do if Raito aims it at him. But Raito just watches him stumble forward. Of course it would make sense. Matsuda's supposed to want to die, by now; swore in fact that he did, offered to do it himself. Raito wants to... he wants to see that's true. Matsuda tries to tell himself it is, but he's got this horrible feeling he's going to let everyone down again. He _hurts _and he wants it to stop and yes, he knows he deserves all this but -

The corridor smells of blood.

"I didn't want to do it this way," Raito says. "I wanted him to die as one of Kira's victims. But he was lying about having the papers and then the police showed up and there was nothing else I could do."

Aizawa is sprawled on his back, like he was taken by surprise. Matsuda can't see his face, but he can see the blood all over his shirt and soaking the carpet around him.

_This is your fault, _he hears it so clearly he thinks Raito said it, only it wasn't, because Raito's face in the golden light is still. And then, _this is what you wanted, _and he wonders if maybe it's Aizawa speaking. After all, Matsuda _did _try and get him killed. _This is what you wanted, _and he wants to explain that it's _not - _it wasn't like he ever -

_This is your fault_

"Don't try and pretend you care," Raito says. "I know perfectly well what you thought of him. And if you'd had your way he'd have been dead hours ago. Everyone would be dead and none of _this _would have happened." His voice actually cracks a little, and Matsuda feels sick. He can count the number of times Raito's been close to tears on one hand (well, on his left hand at least). He should be pleased that Raito is as miserable as him, but he's not. He doesn't want to see it.

"Oh, well." Raito sighs. "Have you seen Ide, Matsuda?"

Matsuda shakes his head automatically and then remembers how stupid he looked the last time he didn't give the full story. "I was... I was with him and then we got..." His voice sounds very far away and he isn't at all sure these words are the right ones. "He went upstairs."

"Show me."

They walk back through the light and dark together. Raito puts a hand on Matsuda's shoulder and really Matsuda's so glad there's someone else with him that - except it isn't true that he doesn't care, he keeps thinking that he was just looking at Aizawa's corpse for like a really long time and didn't even do anything, didn't even act sad or... or... do anything. Like with the hanged man, you're meant to _do _something and he's known Aizawa for years, the guy has a wife and kids and everything. He wonders if he feels sad. He thinks that far back in his mind he is, but it's... too far back and it's not like he wants to go looking for it, if he starts feeling sad he probably won't even be able to keep walking.

So there's not... there's not. Mostly he's just... there's him, and there's Raito, and nothing else. Raito is walking more quickly than him, their footsteps aren't in sync. Even though Matsuda's the one who's meant to be deciding where they go, Raito walks like he already knows. Perhaps he does; perhaps he just wants to see what Matsuda will do, where he'll head to. Matsuda isn't totally sure where he _is _heading to. Sometimes he remembers landmarks they're passing - toppled-over shelves, a row of three green files lying together, an office with another Sato-san's name on the door - but other times none of it looks familiar at all. He wonders what Raito will do if they can't find Ide. Because if Aizawa's dead - and the SPK all stayed downstairs, didn't they, or maybe Matsuda's made that up - and -

"Did you see Mogi?" he says. He blurts it out, like he's had to nerve himself up to speak. It's not like he's scared to speak, he just doesn't want to say the wrong thing. It seems like this was the wrong thing, because Raito sighs, sharply, and says, "He'll be with Misa. Where else would he be?"

"Sorry -"

"I can find him again later. Ide's different. He'll be worried about you."

Silence. They come to another flight of stairs and for a few awful seconds Matsuda can't remember whether he came up them before, or down, or whether he's never seen them before. He'll get them lost and Raito will be furious and think he did it on purpose.

He stands there miserably and then Raito says, "You're out of ideas, aren't you? Oh, well. I didn't expect much from you, to be honest. Let's go up; someone hiding would think they were safer."

They keep on walking. Matsuda's thinking about Aizawa again. He should've done something. Like yelled _no _or tried to attack Raito. He's missed his chance now; if he does anything people will know he's putting it on. Raito certainly will.

Raito is talking again. He's saying how it all went wrong because NHN let him down, Takada let him down. "That's why Kira is needed. If you entrust responsibility to a group, it becomes inefficient. People start thinking about how they can win out over their colleagues, not about what's best for the world. I mean, look how things have ended up here. If these people had really understood what Kira wanted..."

He pauses, and Matsuda thinks _say something, say something, he'll think you're not listening _and through the terror suddenly stuck in his throat he manages to stumble out, "I guess - I - they were scared after Taki died - I guess that -"

"If they'd had any sense, they'd have worked out that she was never loyal to Kira. She was only loyal to herself."

Matsuda wants to say that Raito had told them, before, that Taki had always been a Kira supporter, but he's not going to open his mouth and make himself look even more stupid, so he just nods and says, "Right."

"Oh, it isn't _easy,_" Raito says. "To be loyal to Kira, I mean. You know... to put his wishes above your own. I don't actually think anyone has managed it. I mean, I thought Mikami was the perfect example of a Kira follower, someone who would give himself wholly to the cause, but what happens? When it comes to it he backs down, he serves his _own _wishes, just like everyone else. When I get the notebook back I'll make sure people _understand... _I'll make some examples... it won't be too difficult..."

Now - or maybe later - they're walking along a corridor lined with more doors. Matsuda feels dead on his feet, or at any rate like his mind is almost untethered from the rest of him, like he could just let go and float off and actually be a different person at last. He knows they can't stop walking but he is so tired he's scared he'll do something _really _dumb just because he can't remember how to think.

He takes a deep breath and the pain in his side flares up and he stops. Raito whirls round and snarls at him to stop messing around, to put some effort in for once. "Did you forget how this is all your fault? If you want to fix things you'd better start taking responsibility for your actions."

Matsuda wants to grin and say _hey, you sound just like your dad, _but the idea gets lost before it can actually be carried out. He's still not sure what he's supposed to be doing. Finding Ide, right, but... he doesn't think he's seen this corridor before, and... it's stupid, really, he last saw Ide like hours ago, why would he be any use here?

Raito is opening and closing doors now, gaze darting quickly round each room. Matsuda barely gets a chance to look in most of the rooms before the doors are slammed shut again; he catches glimpses of more knocked-over files, chairs in disarray, untidy desks. Once or twice Raito goes into the room and closes the door behind him and Matsuda knows that if Aizawa or Ide were here they'd be telling him to run but the idea seems stupid. Like, he'd put so much effort into fleeing and then Raito would catch him up in minutes and probably just shoot him in the back or something. Whereas this way - this way -

The door flies open again and Raito strides out, closing it behind him. Matsuda hears someone crying in the room, but Raito doesn't seem bothered and the sound is almost cut off once the door is closed. They head off down the corridor again, round the corner - Raito's walking faster now, a smile hovering on his lips. Matsuda scurries to keep up and Raito actually stops, waits for him: "Try and move a bit faster. You haven't got much time left."

"I don't... I don't know where he is..." Matsuda doesn't want to say it, to admit he's _completely _useless makes him feel sick and hollow but at the same time he can't bear going along like this being expected to provide things he knows he's got no way of getting. "I'm sorry..."

But Raito doesn't get angry. He just reaches out, puts an arm round Matsuda's shoulders. It's his right arm, the one without a hand.

"Don't worry," he says, genial now. "One of the secretaries saw Ide go into the office at the end of this corridor. A Maeda-san's office, I believe. Of course the stupid bitch then hid under her desk and cried rather than, I don't know, _doing _anything with the information, but it doesn't matter now. I've got something else for you to do."

Matsuda tries to smile - he doesn't feel like he _can _still smile but, but he's trying at least, trying to show he can be helpful even when he's tired - he tries to smile but in his head he's going _I can't, I can't, I'll screw up again, I __**can't**__ -_

Raito's arm tightens against his throat and Raito's voice in his ear murmurs, "You can do this. Even you should find this easy. Besides, don't you want to be of use to _someone_?" His weight is heavy on Matsuda's shoulders and it's jarring the pain in his side and he has to struggle to get words out: "Yes - yes, of course I do -"

"Well, then." And Raito has relaxed his grip and the pain recedes a little and Matsuda bites down on his lip until - well, it doesn't go away, but he focuses on the taste of blood in his mouth and the hot and cold all over his skin. And then, and then stupid little things like he can't remember when he last had a shower, and that - that he thought he was hungry but really he thinks he'll throw up if he tries to eat anything - only that's probably good, you don't want to die on a full stomach, or at any rate it doesn't matter -

"Here." Raito tugs him to a halt. They're standing outside another office door - it's closed, and the lower half of the glass panel is blocked by the back of a cabinet or something. Someone's in there, then, someone else hiding. Matsuda can't see much beyond that. There aren't any lights on, just the cold blue glow from the windows.

"Okay, Matsuda... all I want you to do is knock on the door. Say who you are." Raito pushes him gently forward. "Do you think you can do that? It isn't too difficult for you?"

Actually walking across to the door is like walking through water, like the chilly light is really a flood filling the corridor, and Matsuda finds himself standing in front of the door without quite remembering how he got to it, or how long he's been there. Raito, standing off to the side now like he wants to see what Matsuda will do, is silent, still smiling.

It still feels _off, _reaching for something with his left hand instead of his right. Like someone's holding his right hand and he hasn't realised. Or like, like he's holding shopping or something. His arms are heavy enough for that, at any rate, and for a moment he does find himself uncurling his fingers like he's trying to let some handles drop before he catches up with himself that this is _important, _he has to get a grip -

He knocks, right next to the little nameplate. _Shinichi Maeda. _Maeda-san. He knocks and he can feel Raito watching him and so he says, "It's... it's Matsuda." His voice is coming from far away again. _You know. The guy off the TV. The one who killed people._

There's a clatter and thump from inside the room, like someone's sprang up and knocked something over. Footsteps and then suddenly Ide is on the other side of the door, staring out at him through the glass panel. He just stares for a moment like he isn't sure where he is, or who Matsuda is, or anything. Then his eyes roam over Matsuda's face and he says, _Are you okay?_

Matsuda thinks he is okay but maybe he forgets to actually say that because Ide slams his hand against the door and calls, "For god's sake, are you hurt? Is anyone else with you?"

Footsteps behind him, and he feels Raito lean against him again, like he's tired or something, arm once again round his shoulders. And, against the side of his head, gentle like a fingertip, but colder than that.

"It's all right, Matsuda," he says. "You've done your part now."

Ide yells at him to get the fuck away, but with the door between them it sounds quiet, like a thought. He slams his hand against the door again and then stares frantically round the office, like he's looking for another way out or a weapon or something.

"Don't bother," Raito says. "You're going to open the door and come and join us now, do you understand?"

"Oh, so - so you can shoot both of us? How stupid do you think I am?"

"If you come out here," Raito says, "I won't shoot Matsuda. I give you my word." Ide starts saying something but Raito carries on, "Whereas if you stay in there, I will. It's your choice."

Ide is cursing him but at the same time he's gone dead white and the next second he has ducked out of sight and the cabinet is being wrenched back from the door. Matsuda doesn't get it right away. He is wondering if Ide knows what happened to Aizawa and he's worrying about having to explain and if Ide will think maybe Matsuda just let it happen, if he wanted them dead all along. And then he starts to work it out. Raito is getting Ide to open the door and come out into the corridor. Raito has a gun. Something really bad is going to happen and Matsuda is just watching.

And - and Ide was nice to him, before, Ide gave him second chances and - it was him they were all angry at, when they found out what Matsuda tried to do and Matsuda didn't say anything then, didn't stick up for him and now - now he's just going to -

"Ssh," Raito whispers to him. "It's all right, Matsuda. It's all going to be fine."

Matsuda bites down on his lip again trying to tell himself to shut up, to act normal for once, but he _can't - _he can't let - Ide was nice to him and -

"No," he yells as the door swings open, "No, _don't -_"

But Ide just opens the door and then he stands there, hands half-up like he's not sure whether or not he's meant to be surrendering. For a moment they all just stare at each other, and then Ide says, quickly, "Okay, I did what you said. So you can -" And then, "Look, if you - if you want us to go back down and face your lynch mob that's fine, I'm not armed, just - you don't need to -"

Matsuda feels Raito shift against him. The coldness at the side of his skull vanishes and - Ide is stumbling back, turning to dodge but even as he's doing that there's a shot, and he stumbles. Matsuda thinks _it's okay, it's okay, it was a warning shot, __**something,**__ please - _but then Ide puts a hand to his stomach and then, after a bit, Matsuda sees a smear of blood across his upturned palm.

"You - you're screwed," he says, but it already sounds like an effort to get the words out. "They'll see what you did - on live TV, you idiot -"

Matsuda is thinking _it's just one bullet, you can survive just one bullet _and that everything will stop now, Raito's got what he wanted and he hears himself saying _please, please _and then, like Raito was waiting for him to ask, there's a hail of shots and smoke. Ide screams and then he's collapsed onto the floor, clutching his leg. The door is speckled with bullet holes now, the glass panel has a spider's web of cracks running through it, and Matsuda stares and stares and finds himself closing his eyes like he's imagined this, like it can't possibly be as bad as it looks, before he catches up with himself and _makes _himself look. Ide is grey-white and he's trying to choke back the sounds of pain but he's not managing it and there is lots of blood now, oozing from under his hands and soaking his clothes and the carpet.

Raito shoves Matsuda away and he nearly falls. _What - you should get help - _but if, if he just runs away then Raito will just watch Ide die or... and it will just look like Matsuda's too scared to stick around. And there might not be anyone around _to _help, people were happy to watch Ide getting killed by Kira so why should they -

"It's all right, Matsuda."

Raito is watching him. Light from outside - night, moonlight, streetlights - glows on his face. He looks back to normal now, pretty much. Thoughtful and intelligent and like, like a statue you'd see in a museum. Perfect.

Matsuda finds himself shaking his head and he tries to say _it's not, he would've been okay if I hadn't been here _but his throat is full of gasps for breath and he can't get the words out.

"No, listen to me," Raito says. "This is how it's meant to be. There's just one more thing I need you to do, and then you can stop."

Matsuda tries to make himself listen, _there, see, I'll be able to stop, _and _he says it'll be okay, of course it will _but he can't grab onto the thoughts properly. The air smells smoky and bloody and Ide keeps gasping for breath like he still can't quite take in what's happened to him. And Matsuda is telling himself not to look, his mind's actually going _just pretend it's not happening, _like you can just crop someone that badly hurt out of your mind's eye -

Raito is holding the gun out to him.

"Do you understand what you're going to do?" he says.

Matsuda wants to yell _I don't understand anything any more, okay, I give up, I can't do this, _he can't _think, _his heartbeat is pounding in his ears, crushing, like someone's jumping on his head. He wants to scream at both of them, Raito and Ide, _I don't get it, I don't know anything, stop asking me stuff, _but Raito probably already knows that and Ide - Ide - he's looked at him before he can stop himself. Through the pain Ide looks just as baffled as Matsuda feels, like _I don't know either, I don't know what you want me to do. _

"Didn't I tell you if you wanted to atone you'd have to start taking some responsibility?" Raito says.

Matsuda sees himself reach out for the gun like his arm's moving through water; he half-expects it to slid through his fingers like he's dreaming all of this. But it doesn't; the barrel, still warm, is under his fingers. His hand is shaking. Ide catches his breath like he's about to say something but then he's just silent, watching as well.

"Well..." Raito's smiling, that almost-shy smile that Matsuda always felt proud when he managed to earn because Raito didn't actually smile that much, not like that. "Now you can. You agreed yourself that you deserve to die. I want to see you prove you meant what you said. That you weren't just telling me what you -"

"_No," _Ide yells, "No, you - Matsuda, don't you dare -"

Raito turns and kicks out at him and Ide cries out, curling up, and Matsuda hears his voice dry up and _stop it, _he actually thinks, _shut up, I can't - I can't help -_

Raito has turned back to face him, calm like Matsuda just imagined him lashing out.

"Don't look at me like that," he says. "You admitted yourself, you don't deserve to live. You've got people killed. You betrayed everyone. No one will want you back, will they? If you walk out of here alive, you'll go to jail. And don't bother to lie to him," he says over his shoulder to Ide. "He's not going to be _let off _just because he tried to be a good person. Those who support Kira will hate him for his part in all that's happened, and those who hate Kira will despise him because he's a police officer. Don't you think it would be kinder to give him the chance to die now, quickly, by his own hand?"

"Shut up..." Ide's voice is fading but even so, Matsuda can hear that he sounds uncertain, and see that he's not meeting Raito's eyes. "You guilt-tripping him... you're one to fucking talk..."

Raito laughs. "See, Matsuda? All he can think of is to point out _my _flaws. He doesn't actually have any criticism of what I'm saying. You understand, don't you?"

"Don't... don't listen to him -" Ide struggles to take another breath, then: "I'll help you, Matsuda, I promise, just -"

"You're going to die," Raito says. "You're not going to be doing anything. So?" He's looking straight at Matsuda now. "Are you going to do what I'm telling you? Or are you going to screw up again because you think you know best?"

"No!" Ide yells. "_No_ - don't you dare -" He takes a deep, rasping breath, and then he chokes out:

"Shoot _him_ - He's given you the gun, for god's sake -"

It feels like someone's upended a bucket of icy water over Matsuda's head. Because he _could._ There's not actually anything stopping him just - like before, like in the warehouse, like with Sato-san, and it - it would make -

_I keep fucking up and he keeps asking me to do things and I keep doing them wrong and - he keeps being __**better**__ - _

No, he doesn't want to be feeling like this, he _stopped, _he was _sorry - _

_Except that you can't ever stop, can you? You just keep screwing up over and over again and then you say you'll be better and it's all lies, that's why Raito hates you, that's why everyone hates you, that's why you should die, just die and make it all stop -_

"You're not going to do that," Raito is saying. "Why would you? It would just be another mistake. It would just be something else they could punish you for. No one can help you except me, and I'm telling you the only way you can make things better."

Ide is yelling something, is actually struggling to get up, and Matsuda cries out for him to stop but even as he does, Raito has turned and kicked out again. Matsuda doesn't see where the blow connects but he hears it do so, and Ide collapses, crumpling against the wall, gasping and choking. Raito just turns to face Matsuda again, smiling.

"You're running out of time," he says. "Are you going to mess up again, or are you actually going to prove you're worth something?"

Of course that would be one way to solve it, right? Just, just _wait, _the police will find them, he'll be alive but he can kid himself he was _about _to make a decision, he was _about _to be brave. Except that he'll know it's not true, and so will Raito. And what's the point of doing that, anyway? His life is already over - he might as well go out doing the right thing -

Ide has gone still, curled up, and the wall behind him is smeared with blood. If - Raito could have killed him and that was because Matsuda was here and - _you should want him dead - what the hell is wrong with you - you said, you said you wouldn't let Ide down, you picked a side - _and then Raito had made him pick again, what's the point of constantly switching just to survive a little longer, just to make people be a little less mad with him?

He's still holding the gun by the barrel; he turns it, tries to work out how to grip it with half his fingers missing. He keeps trying to reach for things with fingers that aren't there, and moving them, touching things with them, it still hurts. Holding the gun in his left hand feels wrong, too, like he's deliberately doing everything backwards. He still feels sick. Point the gun at himself? Or aim it at Raito? Ide still hasn't moved; Raito watches, smiling slightly. Not even scared. _He knows what I'm going to do. _Which - kind of Matsuda wants to fuck up deliberately, shoot Raito until there are no more bullets left, just to - _sick of him being so sure he's right - he -_

_This is all __**his **__fault - _

"You're not considering listening to _him, _are you?" Raito says.

Matsuda looks over at him. Raito is still smiling but in the dim light now it's difficult to see if he's really as relaxed as he looks. Maybe he's as scared as Matsuda underneath. Maybe he's picked up on Matsuda's thoughts, knows he's at risk of death, and Matsuda wants to say _I'm sorry, I wouldn't, I didn't mean it, _he doesn't _want _people to be scared of him -

But Raito carries on, "You'll shoot me, and then you'll be a multiple murderer, and then you'll go on the run," and he sounds bored now and Matsuda just wants him to _stop, _just wants him to stop talking like there's no point in even pretending Matsuda's halfway competent. "You'll be caught eventually, and then they'll execute you. I'm sure you'll look back and be _very _grateful to Ide for putting the idea into your head, once all of that's happened."

Matsuda knows it's true but he can't _believe _that it is, all he can feel is his thoughts are screaming all around him like the squeal of brakes _I keep fucking up - you keep making me fuck up _and then _you ruined it - you ruined __**everything**__ -_

"Just how it's already happened," Raito continues. "What have you done right since you shot me? What makes you think you're going to change anything this time? And don't tell me you're trying to _save the world._ You can pretend you killed me for justice, but we'll both know it was just because you panicked. Or because you wanted someone to like you."

"Shut up," Matsuda hears himself say, loud and hoarse and voice trembling, "shut _up _-"

"Don't like hearing the truth? I'm only saying what you already know. It doesn't matter what you do to me. You'll still be useless, and everyone will see."

And Matsuda knows he's right. Killing Raito won't make him a hero, it won't undo all the bad stuff he's done, it won't fix any of it - there isn't any way to do that except - it would be _easy, _why is he even hesitating? Bring the gun up to your face and fire. There's nothing stopping him doing that, either. _You got everyone killed, so, what, you're going to make it worse by killing someone else? Yeah, really smart there - you know he's right, you're just mad because you don't like what he's saying - _

He _can't - _he doesn't know what to do, there's no way he'll make the right choice and - maybe it's easiest to die and then at least they know he tried to show he was sorry - _just do something, don't keep thinking about it, just make it stop - _

_There's nothing left -_

He's raising the gun, and his thoughts are coming faster and faster like they know they've only got a little time left. _Everything's shit anyway, it - none of it matters - so what if I wanted to be a hero, heroes make the world better - _God, he's so _stupid - _days later and it's still just - Raito screaming at him, back in the warehouse, _"A world where people like my father will never have to be made a fool -" _Him sounding off like he knew everything. _"What did your father die for?"_

That thought sticks around like a stone in your shoe.

_What did your father die for?_

Something. A different something. The - the smart version of him, the one who always knows the right thing to say, the one who's a nice person - standing next to him and saying _the Chief wouldn't want you to do it. You know he wouldn't._

_Because people are hurt and - he always gave people a chance, he even gave Mello a chance and that, that was right, because it saved all of us in the end - even though it - he died and he knew but - he gave people a chance - _

_He knew when it was going to be bad and he did the right thing anyway - _

Everything is very quiet.

In the silence, he puts his damaged right hand over his left, grips the gun, levels it, and points it at Raito.

"What?" Raito says, his voice unsteady suddenly. "What - don't you dare -"

It would be horribly easy to pull the trigger, but he bites down on his lip. _The Chief wouldn't want you to -_

"I'm..." His voice is raspy, but he swallows and makes himself keep talking; he will keep talking and he'll keep the gun steady and he'll do things _right -_ "I'm putting you under arrest for... for two counts of assault with a deadly weapon."

Raito stares at him and then he laughs - an uneasy, desperately jeering sound: "Don't be stupid."

"You shot Aizawa," Matsuda says, and he needs to repeat this stuff, he needs to go through the steps of the argument in his own head because otherwise he will panic completely - "And you shot Ide right in front of me. I'm still... I can still arrest people for that, when it's just with a gun or - or whatever. So - so we're going to go back downstairs and turn ourselves in."

"I don't believe this." Raito's smile is gone now, his eyes are narrowed and his mouth is twisted with rage. "I give you yet another chance, I ask you to do one thing, _one thing -_"

"You wanted me to die so you'd get away with - with all of this."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a criminal! You're the only one with a guilty conscience here! Too much of a coward to do the right thing, so you - or do you just want to pretend you won't have committed murder this time? You can tell everyone _he was resisting arrest, I had no choice -_"

"I'm not going to shoot you!"

"And if I refuse to co-operate with you?" Raito snaps. "If I don't see why I should go along with your delusions of, of carrying on my father's work or whatever you're thinking? Then what will you do?"

Matsuda doesn't know. He supposes it's only worth pointing a gun at someone if they have at least a strong suspicion you'll actually use it. And okay, Matsuda came really close to using it, but that makes it worse if you do - the whole point is _not _killing, it's waiting and trying to get people to back down and doing the right thing -

"You won't shoot me," Raito says, smiling now, only it's so sudden that it's like he's smiling with fury. "I know you won't, Matsuda, that isn't what you want. And I'm not going to go along with this... you're not thinking straight, you don't know what you're doing. It's just another mistake on your part, can't you see that?"

_He's right - if he just walks away then what are you going to do? You can't do it - you can't - _

But then he thinks again and he figures he wouldn't care if Raito walked away - that would be fine, just not killing him, just not standing there squeezing the trigger over and over because you're too angry to stop -

Keeping his gaze on Raito, he opens his mouth and yells as loud as he can, "Someone help us! People are hurt up here!"

From below them, there are footsteps. Voices. Raito's eyes dart from side to side and then he glances, quickly, over at Ide, at the blood smearing the walls. Matsuda can see it, the realisation of how this will look. He thought it would be satisfying to see Raito in as much trouble as him, the two of them equals at last, but it's not like that at all. Things aren't supposed to go wrong for Raito, they - that's why Matsuda wanted him dead, because he was _jealous _for god's sake - it's not meant to be that you find out that the person you were envious of doesn't actually have it any better than you -

"Raito..." he says, and he's not sure where he's going with this, maybe he's actually going to say something as stupid as _it'll be okay, it's not so bad, _but Raito obviously picks up on the sympathy because his mouth twists and he snarls, "Don't pretend you understand my position. Things have worked out just as I planned, and if you weren't so _stupid _you would see that."

The footsteps are closer.

"If you don't stop pointing that at me, you're destroying Kira's world." Raito's eyes are wide now - the calm mask is gone, his voice is almost a scream. "Do you not get that? I have worked _so hard _to build this world and - people are _happy -_" He stops, gasps for breath. "They're happy and they do what Kira wants and... I decide what happens, it's all under control..."

Matsuda finds himself shaking his head, and all at once his throat is tight with tears again.

"Don't start arguing with me!" Raito yells. "You bastard, you hypocrite, you - you want to kill me because I know what you're really like! You're trying to make yourself feel better by pretending you're still in the right. Pretending to be _just like my father. _Don't you think that's an insult to his memory?" He's walking towards Matsuda, fist clenched, and _don't move, _Matsuda tries to say, but he can't get the words out and then his thoughts are screaming _shoot him, shoot him, he's going to -_

"Do you have any idea how arrogant you sound right now?" Raito spits at him, and now he's diving towards Matsuda and it's all too fast and _**shoot him!**_ and - "_Of course you don't!" _- they hit the floor and pain explodes through Matsuda's ribs and he tries to scream but his mouth is filled with the blackness -

_No, no, don't you __**dare**__ wuss out now - _

He gasps for breath - the air tastes sick and foul but it's there, it's real, and Raito is on top of him, wrenching at the gun and Matsuda scrabbles to hang onto it but his lost fingers are still twisted up and he can't get them to move in time. Raito's hand claws at his and something kicks him in the stomach and -

The weapon jumps in his hand and the shot is right next to him and he panics then, he's struggling and kicking and somehow he wrenches the gun back away from Raito and he's sprawled on the floor clutching it. For a moment he's just all _I did it, I got it back _like that was the only important bit, like this is a game, and then reality catches him up again and he picks himself up and tries to grip the thing properly again, level it, keep Raito cornered -

Raito is still crouched on the floor. His hand is pressed to his chest and Matsuda sees a patch of shadow underneath it getting wider and wider and wider -

"No -" he stammers, and Raito looks at him like he'd forgotten he was there.

"Are you happy now?" he screams. "I told you, _I told you_ that you'd screw up!"

Matsuda finds himself babbling _no, no, I didn't mean to, let me help _though he doesn't know why he's saying it and Raito isn't listening to him anyway, is already pulling himself to his feet and charging off down the corridor. Every so often he stumbles.

"Wait," Matsuda yells, "Raito, please, they'll help you -" but he doesn't actually move, he doesn't give chase, and Raito doesn't even answer him, just keeps going, running now round the corner and out of sight. Matsuda can hear him crying, a breathy, bubbling wail, and - _this can't be happening - I wasn't going to - I said I wouldn't - _a minute ago he thought he knew what he was doing, a minute ago things were going to be all right -

The darkness swirls around him and for a moment he thinks he's blacking out again but then it pulls itself together into the jagged wings and legs of Ryuk, who's slid through the wall and is now off down the corridor, following Raito like usual. As he reaches the corner, he looks back, grins at Matsuda, and then he is gone. Matsuda wonders if he wants to help Raito, or just wants to get a look at the damage, or perhaps doesn't have a choice, perhaps has to follow Raito this time because of some shinigami thing.

The footsteps, the voices, are closer now, and he looks round to see cops and people rounding the corner. They run over to Ide and the next moment he's disappeared in the crowd and people are yelling medical jargon and everyone seems much calmer - in a hurry, determined, but there's no _screaming - _

Someone calls to him and then he remembers Raito and he starts to run, round the next corner, into the dark. He can hear Raito crying, shouting something, or perhaps he can't, perhaps his mind's just replaying what he's already heard. The sounds go on and on and he feels like _I can't go on, I can't, he'll only yell at me, _but then he figures that's a stupid reason not to try and help someone who's shot in the chest, that they might be _mean _to you, and so he keeps going. He is passing more office doors and he glances into them but he doesn't see anyone. The corridor bends round again and ends at a door and then through that, ahead of him, is a flight of stairs and there's Ryuk, sitting on the bannisters like one of those fancy statues on mansions, only spikier and more untidy. He looks round as Matsuda hurries towards him, grins, so Raito must be around, he must be -

He's lying on the stairs, like he sat down to rest and then decided to admire the view. There is even more blood on his clothes and his hands - Matsuda spots a few sticky red fingermarks on the bannister and on the steps - but he doesn't move as Matsuda reaches him. He just lies there, staring up at the ceiling far above them. There's a large window on the wall next to the stairs, but he's not looking at the view of the city. Just at that bare ceiling.

Matsuda hears the air high and thin in his ears and - _better sit down, _he is telling himself, _don't want to black out at the top of a flight of stairs. Better sit down. _Then he is sitting down, on the top step, his feet on a level with Raito's head. Raito, of course, still doesn't look, and Matsuda sits still and wraps his arms around himself because - because he is coping all right _now _but - he can feel, once he thinks about this properly it's going to be really bad -

"Hey."

A clawed finger taps him roughly on the shoulder, and Ryuk leans into his vision.

"Were you telling him the truth when you said you don't know where the notebook is?" he says.

The notebook. Well, of course, that _is _what all of this was about. Matsuda wanders through his memories, just to make sure, just to check he hasn't inadvertently picked up on the location of the damn thing in all the chaos since he was last asked about it. Of course he hasn't, and so he shakes his head, thinking that he should probably be more concerned about this than he is. The notebook is a big deal. Mello could've hidden it anywhere. But it doesn't seem to matter any more. It actually seems quite funny that anyone would get worked up about it.

"Aw, man." Ryuk sighs. His breath smells not of apples so much as rotted fruit, compost. "This is gonna be a real pain in the ass."

Matsuda looks over at Raito. You can see that he was crying. He doesn't look scared, though. More like just tired. Like he sat down to have a rest and then thought _you know what, it's silly keeping this up. _Actually, that's not true at all. He doesn't look like anything, it's just because there's nothing behind his eyes any more and you don't want to believe that. Matsuda knows this and yet at the same time he hasn't got it at all, in his head it feels like nothing has changed.

"I did tell him," Ryuk says. "I told him a bunch of times. It's not my fault he didn't take me seriously."

"Tell... tell him what?" That this was always going to go wrong? That Matsuda really didn't know where the notebook was?

"That when he died," Ryuk says, "I'd be the one writing his name down in my notebook."

Matsuda is listening, he really is, but the words don't make sense. Ryuk doesn't - it's _Raito _who wrote down people's names, it - Ryuk just hung around watching -

"You - what?" he says at last, stupidly.

Ryuk scrabbles for the pouch on his belt, takes his own notebook - the one Matsuda hardly even noticed, let alone ever got to touch - and opens it, flicking to a particular page.

Raito's name is written across it. The handwriting is jagged, each letter standing alone and off-balance from its companions. But it's definitely the right name. Matsuda stares and stares and - _I didn't kill him, _he's thinking, _it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault _and at the same time _if I'd got here earlier I could've stopped him - I could've helped _and of course _he really is dead, of course he is, once your name - once your name and face - _

"Don't look at me like that," Ryuk is saying. "What was I supposed to do, let him get arrested and then share a cell with him until he died? I'd go out of my mind I'd be so bored. Just sucks I don't know where the other notebook is. And I bet Mello's not going to tell me even if he _does _wake up."

_I didn't kill him, _Matsuda's brain is carrying on, _it wasn't me, everything's fine, it wasn't me _and yet he still isn't quite believing it, Raito wouldn't have overlooked something like this, Ryuk even _told _him -

"Why?" he manages to say. "Why did you kill him?"

"You're not listening to me, are you? Because it was game over for him. He asked me to help him, right? He told me to write your name down. That sealed it - I mean, I said to him before I wasn't on his side or L's side. I wasn't gonna write names down for him, that'd be cheating."

"But... he..." Except that Matsuda has no idea what the rest of the sentence is meant to be. Raito always wins everything. Ryuk just - just _killed _him, what, because he got bored? And - _what was I supposed to do, let him get arrested - _even if Matsuda had managed to get Raito to back down, things would still have ended up like this. _It was always - there wasn't any third choice, it was always kill me or kill him - _

"I guess I'll stick around you guys for now," Ryuk says. "All the Kiras are dead, so you lot are gonna be the ones after the notebook. You and Mello. So don't freak out if you see me, okay? I'm just trying to get my stuff back."

Matsuda tunes him out. Both himself and Raito thought they could win this battle, be the hero, do the right thing and survive to live happily ever after. And Ryuk had been watching, and laughing, and then when he got bored he just waved a hand and knocked the pieces off the board...

He hears footsteps behind him, and then he's surrounded by ambulance people and police officers asking him questions, telling him to put down the gun. In the confusion, though, he feels the rush of air from unfolding wings, a breeze no one else knows is there, and when he next glances over, Ryuk is gone.


	17. Suture

(A/N: this chapter contains (non-graphic) mention of various suicide methods.)

Matsuda can't remember getting back downstairs. He's sitting by Raito, and then, and then he's standing in the TV station foyer. Mogi's there, too, Misa-Misa holding his hand, looking like she's in shock, and Matsuda thinks oh god, Misa, someone will have to tell her, someone will have to _tell_ her and he's trying to explain to Mogi, trying to say what's happened without Misa hearing. It doesn't work too well and he ends up just saying I'm sorry, tell her I'm sorry -

He doesn't remember getting to the hospital either, but he must have done because now he's in a white room and someone is talking to him, saying to him, can you tell me what happened to your fingers? A pause, and then he sees what the answer should be, and he says, someone cut them off. Then he thinks maybe that sounds like he's being sarcastic and so he adds, with those things you trim roses with. The doctor just nods and then starts asking him things like can he move the fingers that are left, can he feel this or that, and Matsuda can answer all of the questions if he's given time to think about it but he feels like he keeps slipping backwards, like he's finding himself in a cell again, or on the stairs, or in front of the cameras.

He's lying still and his arm and hand are numb. No, that's - his arm and hand aren't, like, they just aren't, if he keeps his head turned away from them (which he is, because he doesn't want to see what the doctor's doing to the wounds) it's like they're not there at all. Raito says to him _while you're waiting, it really hurts _and then _they only shoot you full of painkillers after you've got to the hospital _and Matsuda wants to tell them to stop fixing him up, like he doesn't need help, like he's fine, but he can't make himself do it and so he just keeps his head turned away and looks up at the ceiling. He counts the rows of tiles. Well, he tries to; he keeps losing count, which is a bit embarrassing, but he's not doing it out loud.

They're asking him other things, but he can't work out what. He's trying to explain that he doesn't understand; that he's not stupid, it's just that the words don't line up in his head, but just like before all he can say is _I'm sorry, I'm sorry. _They talk gently to him and say it's all right but they'll lose their tempers at any minute, they'll think he's still trying to weasel his way out of everything and he's _not, _he gets it, he's turned himself in, he just can't _think - _

And then his dad is there.

He says to the doctor _I'm his father _and then he answers the questions calmly and sensibly and for a few moments Matsuda's just thanking his lucky stars someone has taken the heat off him but the next moment he's furious with himself instead. Dad is going to have enough reasons to be ashamed of his younger son, why has Matsuda just given him another one?

He would speak up now and try and explain, acknowledge that he's being stupid, but he knows that admitting it won't actually help, people will just want to know why if he _knows _he isn't _doing _anything. And so he sits and waits and then his father says to him, "Come on. They say you can go," and he scrambles to his feet and they're almost at the main entrance of the hospital before he realises he has no idea where he's going to. Is he even allowed to just walk out like this? A few hours ago everyone in the country wanted him dead - and he killed someone, he shot Raito and he said he wouldn't run away from things this time -

Dad looks at him, like, _he's clueless as usual, _and says, "You'll stay with me for tonight. You're clearly not fit to be on your own, not to mention there might still be some lunatics around who..." He doesn't finish that sentence, just carries on: "Come on. My car's just over there."

All the way home he seems angry - quietly so, like the way when you've done something wrong and both of you know it but you're trying to bluff it out. Matsuda used to try and short-circuit the process by making a joke out of it, like, _so, I guess you saw my report card, huh? I mean I didn't think it was that bad, I was pretty impressed with myself _and then that would give his father an opening to read the riot act: _you didn't think it was that bad, did you? Evidently not, considering you've clearly put no work in since the last one... _and if it wasn't fun then at least it wasn't the silence and the waiting. This time, though, Matsuda doesn't think - no, he _knows _he doesn't dare start off by being flippant. _So, I guess you heard about the whole murder thing? I mean if you want my opinion I was __**totally **__provoked... _Oh, god, if this was a TV show then that line would actually be funny. It would actually be _funny, _and he has to bite the inside of his mouth to stop himself laughing, he's shaking with the laughter and then somewhere along the line it turns into other things and when they finally park he feels like he's just going to explode from feeling too much and trying to act like an adult on top of it all.

It's ages since he last visited his dad's apartment. Dad hasn't ever been the type to spend much time at home, and since the divorce he seems to have decided family celebrations are something that can happen to other people. And Matsuda's been way too busy the past few years to spend time in his own apartment, let alone other people's. Still, he kind of prefers it being an almost-unfamiliar place. _Better than an abandoned warehouse, _he tells himself, _better than jail _and then he wishes he hadn't thought that and grits his teeth and makes himself think only about what he can see. Files and folders in neat piles on the floor and the table. A laptop in its case near the door. One red bowl and one pair of chopsticks drying on the draining board. Only it's not helping, it's making him think of the task force headquarters, and how Raito managed to keep surfaces tidy even when they were covered with papers while he himself seemed to be working on top of a layer of chaos all the time -

"Touta," Dad is saying. "Touta. Listen to me."

But then he doesn't start getting mad. He just starts explaining all the things Matsuda assumes the doctors were trying to tell him earlier. That he's sustained a couple of broken ribs; that it will hurt but he has been given painkillers and should be fine as long as he doesn't develop any further symptoms. That he's got to try and keep the wounds on his right hand dry. That the SPK, and the rest of the task force - _the others involved in your TV appearance_, Dad says, like Matsuda just got put on Candid Camera or something - are all still alive; that Aizawa and Ide are critical but stable. Matsuda tries to look like he's listening, tries to have reactions like a normal person, but he has this awful feeling like somewhere along the line he made way too much fuss and now Dad thinks he's really badly hurt when people like Aizawa and Ide could actually be dying. He doesn't know how to go about trying to fix this. And he knows it's not like the hospital decided to treat him and ignore the people with actual gunshot wounds but he still feels like they did, like he complained and said he hadn't done anything wrong and they believed him.

Dad sighs, and says, "Well, you're clearly not in much of a state to take anything in at the moment. I'll make us something to eat. You go and get cleaned up and for god's sake, change out of those clothes. I'll lend you something of mine."

Oh god. Oh _god, _he is still wearing the prisoner's uniform. He'd forgotten about that in all the stuff that happened but - all that time in the hospital - everyone had _seen - _

"Why were you the only one dressed like that, anyway?" Dad says.

Matsuda tries to answer. On the third attempt he actually manages to get some words out. "There... there wasn't anything else. My clothes got all - I mean, they were all messy and - there wasn't anything else. He -" No, he doesn't want to mention Raito, he doesn't even want to think about him - "They couldn't have put me on live TV all... you know, all covered in blood."

His father swallows. His face is very still and Matsuda doesn't think he's seen the last time Dad's been angry enough he's actually had to hide it.

"I see," he says at last. "The blood was from when you lost your fingers?"

"Yeah."

"You told the doctors that someone cut them off."

Matsuda knows that they're having a conversation, that normal people speak when they're spoken to, but if he says anything, if he even opens his mouth, he thinks he'll just - he will just lose it completely and that's - that's not going to happen. So he keeps his mouth shut. He thinks at Dad _I don't care, I don't care, you can say what you want, I don't __**care**_ and for once, he actually wins the battle of wills because Dad just sighs and says, "Go and have a shower."

It seems like ages since he's got to shower, even though it can't have been more than a few days. Yeah, he took a bath at Mariko Sato's house, didn't he? One of those bathrooms that's clearly just been done up, and she'd filled the place with lots of different soaps and stuff. That would've been in the morning.

It's like he realises afresh _then that same day I shot her husband and I'm supposed to be admitting that, I'm supposed to be facing up to it _and he breathes in and breathes out and it's all shaky and _can't go to pieces. Can't, not here, Dad already thinks I'm not even trying to hold it together _and he clenches his fist, his damaged hand, only the missing fingers won't move properly and the frustration of that helps, drives the other stuff back for now.

Dad, of course, just has some cheap shampoo that barely even has a scent, and the water takes ages to warm up. Matsuda can feel his mind trying to think about the Satos again, trying to remember the actual event now, the shot, the gun clammy under his hands, the silence, it was all so silent, but thank god the struggle to get clean without exposing his right hand too much to the water takes up most of his thinking. In fact, just taking a shower at all does that, he keeps finding himself locking solid, forgetting what the hell he's meant to be doing - but eventually he's clean and dressed. He leaves the other clothes on the floor, not wanting to touch them. While he was showering it occurred to him that some of the marks on them must be Raito's bloodstains and that was another line of thought he didn't want to follow so he decided he'd just pretend the clothes weren't there any more. Dad won't be impressed but Matsuda needs to get used to giving up on impressing people by now, really. And it's not like he wants to _keep _them. He can just put them in a bag and throw them out. _Yeah, try and kid yourself that's it, it's over, and now you'll never have to wear clothes like that again. Sure. _

Back in the main room the air smells of onions and spices and suddenly his stomach is kicking his insides and he remembers he hasn't eaten yet today. To be honest he's not at all sure he wants to, but he sits down anyway. The food is just a bunch of random vegetables stir-fried with some slightly burnt pieces of chicken and enough spices that you can't really taste the original flavour of the food. Dad's never been much of a cook, but then he's never been the type to care about food at all. It wasn't like he used to get mad with Mum if her cooking wasn't up to scratch.

They sit down and Matsuda can feel Dad just watching him. Luckily, he's realised by that point that holding a pair of chopsticks in his right hand is going to be a problem from now on. He's able to get his left hand to hold them but then the angle isn't quite right and it takes a couple of attempts to pick anything up with them. Which is embarrassing, but it's almost familiar. The idiot son who can't even use chopsticks properly. At least he can pretend his attention's all on that and it isn't he's deliberately avoiding conversation.

But even though he doesn't look up, he hears Dad take a breath - a _now we're going to talk about the things that need to be discussed _breath - and then he says, "Of course your mother and brother are both very concerned. They both offered to give you a place to stay, but she's further away and he's got his family to consider. I thought it was best that you stay here."

Of course that's true, that Mum is another hour's drive away and Takuya's probably not going to want to have someone who was nearly killed by a mob near his wife and small children, but Matsuda has a horrible feeling it's more because Dad wants to know exactly what went on, exactly what his younger son has actually done. He knows he should nod and say he understands, maybe, you know, actually _thank _his father for putting him up like this, but he's frozen. _You knew this was coming. And it won't just be your dad who asks questions - you __**knew**__ this was coming -_

"Are you able to explain what happened?" Dad says. "Since you called me, that is?" A pause, and then, like he's giving Matsuda a clue: "You told me that you and your colleagues had got hold of the weapon Kira uses to kill with."

Matsuda nods and then he tells himself _just one more mouthful of food and then I'll start, I'll explain, _but his hand is shaking so much that he actually can't pick up anything to eat and in the end he just gives up, puts the chopsticks down and says, "We were trying to... to arrest him. Kira." He can see Mikami cowering in front of them, and Mello smiling that thin smile, and the trees black against the sky - and Ide yelling _how could you be so stupid - _

"It went wrong," he says at last.

"And he captured you and learnt the location of the weapon."

Matsuda keeps his gaze on the table and his food and all at once they blur. It's not fair, he doesn't want to talk about this, he wants to forget it ever happened, it's not anyone else's business -

"It was you he targeted, wasn't it?" Dad says, briskly. "That's what happened to your hand."

Matsuda wants to lose his temper, shout _stop thinking you know anything about it _or _that's ridiculous _or - or - but even as he tries to get angry he can just feel the shame rising up over him instead and all at once he knows he is going to start crying and he can't even see why, just perhaps that he's too tired to stop himself. He tries, though. He grits his teeth so hard his jaw aches and presses his fist to his mouth and thinks _get a grip - just get a grip - _

"And then he found the thing again and planned to use it on you live on NHN," Dad says. "But - what? Something went wrong with it? Kiyomi Takada died instead?"

Okay. Okay, Matsuda can explain this bit. "He..." God, his voice is so hoarse, it's obvious to anyone how upset he is. He swallows, tries to steady it. "Someone stopped him. This guy who... who used to be on his side, he... changed his mind. He got... he got killed, but we managed to... to get away."

"And then Soichiro Yagami's kid seemed to have decided... well, I don't know what he decided. That he was an agent of Kira's will or something. Or..." Matsuda can hear the question, but he's not going to answer it, and Dad seems unsurprised by that because after a few seconds he carries on, "He found you and your colleague? Was he the one who was armed?"

Matsuda nods, and then, too late, realises he's left himself open -

"How did you get hold of the gun?"

Matsuda opens his mouth to say something, anything, make up a story, but what comes out is just, "I can't."

"I'm not the only one who'll be asking questions, you know."

And suddenly the anger's there like he's touched a live wire full of it and he hears himself yell, "Yeah, you're all so keen to be asking questions _now_! When it's over and - you'll ask and then think you know everything that happened and, and - _you _wouldn't have done any better if it had been you, and I -" The gun in his hand and Ide shouting at him and Raito smiling and the smell of smoke and blood and - "I tried and I know I messed it all up but I _didn't know what to do -_"

He's sitting there and part of him is just watching and thinking _god, you sound like an idiot _but that part is so closed off from anything real that he hardly notices it. He certainly doesn't bother trying _not _to sound like an idiot.

Dad is looking at him but he actually doesn't seem like he's about to lose his temper. He's just looking like he's waiting for Matsuda to stop going to pieces and eventually he says, a little bit irritated but nothing like as angry as he could be, "I'm not asking because I want to criticise your decisions. I'm asking because I need to know what happened to you."

"You don't," Matsuda hears himself say, sounding about ten years old. "You don't, you - I've been to hospital, they've fixed me up, it's not like I've got some wound I didn't tell you about -"

Only of course Dad doesn't mean _how badly hurt you are. _He means _I need to know what you did. I need to know whether I'm technically sheltering a fugitive. _

The anger is gone again, suddenly, and Matsuda just feels really stupid. If you're going to turn yourself in you have to actually admit to your crimes. That's the point.

He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and then he stares down at his plate and he makes himself say, "Shooting Raito, it - it was an accident. He... he gave me the gun. He shot Ide and he wanted me to kill myself. He figured I didn't have anything left to live for because..." Okay, it's just words, it's not a big deal, and he's got clean and got changed and had something to eat and really things could be a whole lot worse so he should stop being such a coward - "Because of that guy who got killed. Hirota Sato."

It seems like everything goes quiet for ages before Dad says, very businesslike now - more determinedly rational than he's been with his family for ages - "So someone was killed. I wondered if it were a publicity stunt."

Matsuda tries to remember if they actually spelt out on the news that it was him who did it. It probably doesn't matter, though. Why else would it make him want to kill himself? And Dad must be realising, now, the other reason behind his change of clothes.

"Why did you do it?" Dad asks. He doesn't sound angry. He just sounds tired.

This is it, the part Matsuda was dreading. For a few moments he actually can't talk, like he's trying to get out of it that way, before someone jeers at him _this is what you call facing up to what you did, is it?, _Raito, _too much of a coward to do the right thing _and he closes his eyes and just _says: _

"It was an accident. He worked out who we were and I was trying to get him to back down. To not - not call NHN."

Silence. His breaths feel too deep, they hurt his throat, but _just do it - just get it over with - _

"I panicked and - I shot at him. I hit him in the shoulder and he bled to death."

Oh god. Oh god. His hands are shaking and he has to open his eyes because he has this awful feeling everything's falling away from him. He opens his eyes but he doesn't look at Dad, he stares at the table instead. _It happens now, _he feels himself thinking, _it all starts happening now, _and he deserves it, he knows he does, but he wishes he could be less frightened -

Dad says, "Right," and then he's getting up, carrying his empty plate over to the sink. Clatter. Clink of cups - he's making tea. Matsuda wants to yell at him to say something, _go on, get mad at me, I don't care, I deserve it, just don't make me wait around, just get it over with - _but he makes himself keep quiet, he doesn't get to ask for anything after a confession like that. His breathing is still too heavy, like he's struggling to get the air out from deep down inside his chest. For a few moments he can kid himself he's just focusing on that but then the reality of the situation floods back. He's just admitted to murder and now he's just sitting here like he expects to be offered some tea and embroiled in a discussion about how his niece and nephew are doing at school or something.

Maybe Dad thinks he's being asked to hide his son from the law. After all, Matsuda kept his mouth shut at the hospital - let himself be sent home, playing the victim, kept saying he was sorry -

"I didn't... I know I should have admitted it," he says. "I know, I... it wasn't that I was trying to hide, it... I just wasn't thinking, I know I wasn't, but I'm not... I'm going to... I'm not running away, I... and I'm not asking you to... I should've said at the hospital but I... I just forgot, I guess -"

"Don't be ridiculous."

Dad carries the tea back over to the table and sits down. He looks - numbed, tired, as if he's just been woken up at three a.m. or something. But he sounds more or less normal. Assured and a little impatient that this is something else Matsuda doesn't get.

Matsuda badly wants to believe Dad is saying _don't be silly, you don't have to turn yourself in, I don't want that, _but he's not that naive. He's obviously said something else dumb without realising and that's what Dad is talking about.

"You were barely coherent at the hospital," Dad says. "You were barely _conscious _at times. No one would have believed you or even understood you if you'd tried to discuss this at that point."

The familiar mix of embarrassment and slight resentment makes Matsuda hunch his shoulders, say, "Yeah, well, I... I was just saying. I wasn't trying to... to hide anything."

"I don't think you realise," Dad says, "exactly how bizarre all of this seems to onlookers. The facts of the matter are that Kiyomi Takada told the country that you and your colleagues were on Kira's hitlist, you were evil incarnate, but she never really explained why. Then she has you all lined up to die on TV, and she collapses from a heart attack instead, while all of you remain alive. Raito Yagami then takes over, covered in blood, talking as if he has a direct line to Kira, and when the chaos ends he's found dead too, also from a heart attack. And meanwhile, none of the seven of you have died. People are going to be extremely cautious of you now. I can assure you that no one is going to be doing anything about you for the next few days. They're just going to be watching to see if Kira kills anyone else."

He sighs, rubs a hand over his face like he's tired.

"Besides," he carries on, "the NPA have some questions to answer, too. Releasing photographs... and for your information, I didn't know that that was going to happen until it did. Of course they kept me in the dark and then they told me that I couldn't be involved, that I was obviously _too close_ to the situation. It - if I'd known, I..."

Matsuda wonders if Dad had wanted to be awesome too, to single-handedly stop the situation, show his idiot son what an idiot he was and sort everything out. Or perhaps that's just what Matsuda himself wanted.

"But the point is," Dad says, "there's a lot of ways blame could be apportioned. It's not straightforward."

"Yeah," Matsuda hears himself say, from far away, the words not really meaning much, "Yeah, but... but I'm not - I mean, I'm not going to - I _said -_" _Coward, _Raito says, and then _you can't say it, can you, you can't actually promise you'll go to them and say that you killed him -_

"What you're going to do at the moment," says Dad, "is rest, recuperate, and see what happens. You're clearly not thinking straight right now - so for one thing, you're in no state to answer any questions. I can assure you I'm not going to..."

He stops, then, like there's things he isn't quite sure he can say either.

"There is no point in coming up with any plans at the moment," he says. "You'll stay here and rest up. When you're less exhausted, we'll review the situation again. Do you understand?"

Matsuda isn't sure he does, but he nods anyway. Dad sips his tea, and Matsuda does too, even though his hands are still shaking and remembering how to swallow takes effort. He's nearly finished the cup when Dad says, abruptly, "Thank you for explaining things to me."

Like Matsuda's the smart one, like he's explaining to his confused father how to use email or something. The confusion must show on his face, because Dad says, impatiently, "I think you have been honest with me, and I appreciate that."

Matsuda sort of smiles, because he doesn't know what else to say. There's a hell of a lot he _hasn't _admitted, so much stuff he's too ashamed to confess or even think about, but he knows that that's how things are going to stay.

"I'll tidy up," Dad says. "You get some rest."

ooo

Misa isn't sure what she expected to find outside the cupboard. Like, she wasn't silly enough to think Raito would be there, waiting for her, telling her what to do next and how proud he was. But she could hear the sirens all around, and lots of authoritative voices shouting stuff and none of them were Raito's, and it sounded all really organised, nothing like all the screaming and yelling before, nothing like Raito's wide, glittering eyes.

She knew Mochi was mad with her but when she said, _it sounds like things are okay out there _he just said _yes _and then they were both scrambling to their feet and she found herself clutching his hand as if she had as much to be scared of as he did. He didn't seem to mind. But then, Mochi hardly ever shows he minds anything. That's what makes it difficult - Misa always feels a bit stupid when she shouts at him or blames him for something because part of her can't believe that anything could be his fault. He's so sensible. Kind of like how she finds it hard to believe anything could be Raito's fault because he's so smart.

But anyway. They stand up and he helps her past the piles of chairs and then she hears him take a deep breath and push open the door. And they walk out of the room and down the corridor and everything is different. The building is full of police and ambulance people, and everyone is _still, _no more running about, everyone is sitting huddled against the wall or standing there taking statements or talking to people with blood oozing down their faces. Misa looks around and looks and she thinks that she knows it already, even though she can't admit it, because she is thinking _where is he, where__** is**__ he _and she should know that he could be anywhere, he doesn't have to be waiting for her, but she's got this awful feeling if she doesn't see him soon then she's going to start screaming. In a stupid way it reminds her of when she was a little kid, let go of her mother's hand in a busy department store and then wandered around the shelves with this slow dawning that Mummy had _gone _and something really bad had happened and somehow it was all Misa's fault -

Mochi has led her over to one of the ambulance people, is explaining about the concussion. Misa answers the questions he puts to her and lets him look in her eyes but it's really hard to do that and manage the not-screaming thing as well. She has to wait. She has to _wait - _Raito could be anywhere - hey, maybe Mochi is actually right and Raito _has _got in trouble, is with the police - that reminds her, crumpled into a sweaty handful in her skirt pocket is the tiny scrap of paper, bloodstained and ink-stained and she'd run out of room on it. Had Raito told her to do something else with it? She's too hot, there's singing in her ears and her fingers against Mochi's are sticky. The ambulance guy has finished talking to her, he says to go home, go home and rest, and Mochi is trying to lead her away and she _has _to ask about Raito, she has to - and do it without screaming -

_It'll be fine, and it'll be better once you know - even if he is in jail they'll let you see him - he'll tell you what to do - he might be sorry, he might be glad to see you -_

She wants Mogi to ask for her, but he doesn't.

"My fiancee. He was here too. I need to know what's happened -" Her voice trembles a little and she's cross with herself, _nothing's _happened, _nothing _(except that she knows, by now, that it has, why else would she be so scared?) "I need to know if he's all right -

"His name is Raito Yagami," she is saying. "He was - he spoke on air quickly -" And then she's stopping, frightened that she wasn't supposed to say that, but it doesn't matter, because the man's expression is changing, he looks sorry for her -

Everything is very quiet.

She is standing in her apartment. _Hers, _not Takada's, not a hotel room, hers and Raito's and - yes, she's gone to hang her coat up, and already on the peg is a scarf that she bought Raito for Christmas. She never saw him wear it. It's a burnt orange-brown colour, she thought it would match his hair and eyes. Her eyes are puffy and sore, and she rubs at the crustiness of dried mascara on her cheek. She needs to hang up her coat but she can't remember how. It's like being scared after a horror movie, you _know _there's not going to be anything waiting outside the door but you're still too scared to go out of the bathroom. She knows she needs to hang up her coat but there is that scarf and he never wore it, that's the awful thing, he never wore it and she bought it thinking he'd _like _it and he never -

She can't breathe - it's like she's standing in a hail of broken glass and if she takes a breath she'll cut her insides to ribbons - while she stands still and doesn't breathe, everything else is still as well.

Mogi is gently taking her coat from her, hanging it up - it covers the scarf but that doesn't make much difference, Misa realises now it wasn't the scarf at all that was the problem. She wants to be feeling all better but she's not, she's just not. She's trying to stay still and everything else will stay still but she can hear her breath forcing itself in and out, little squashed gasps for air and each one is like a _no, no, no -_

"I'm sorry," Mogi is saying to her, and he puts his hand on her arm, he's trying to get her to move, to sit down, and he's here and Raito is _not here _and it _can't _be, it can't, not this, please, anything but not this -

- and Mogi says something else to her and the gasps get louder and suddenly she is screaming them. _"No! No, no -" _and as she does that it hits her like a bomb going off at her feet. Raito is dead. He has been dead for several hours by now. He ran off and collapsed and died in some corridor and she hid in a cupboard and she didn't help him and all her plans, all her hopes and all her efforts to make him love her and all her dreams that she had someone, all of them, they are all gone because he is _dead._

Mogi is holding her and she clings onto his shirt and she wants to pretend hugging someone will fix all this but she feels how _stupid _that idea is, how stupid and horrible it is to think that _anything _will fix this, and she screams and screams because if she doesn't she thinks the hurt might just crack her in two. He doesn't say anything, doesn't try and get her to calm down like he usually does, just stands there and she feels his breathing quick and scared next to hers and he said Raito didn't love her and had she believed it? Was that it, that someone decided she clearly didn't deserve Raito and had taken him away? She _had _wanted things to be different, she _had -_

She can't think about it and so instead she screams "_I hate you" _and she shoves Mogi away from her. Then she wishes she hadn't because now she's alone and there's no one to hurt but herself. She wants to rip up _everything _and then maybe she'll be able to start again. But she doesn't know how - she doesn't know where to start, she could claw at her face and hair, kick and scream and trash the room, and she knows, she _knows _she would just find herself sitting among the chaos, in the same place, and nothing would have changed.

"Misa..."

She looks up at Mogi and they stare at each other. He's gone white; he looks more scared even than he did back in the TV studios. Misa wants him to be hurt, she wants him to be scared, she feels like it will bleed off some of the misery she's feeling. And yet she has a horrible feeling that won't be enough either.

"Why..." Her throat is dry - it actually hurts to talk. "Why are you still here?"

"You shouldn't be on your own."

Tears are welling up in her sore eyes again. And then, yes, rising up after them, Raito's dead, not just angry with her, not locked up or gone away or even left her and gone to Takada or someone. The one thing you can't take back.

"You know what?" she says, and it is really hard to form a sentence, to focus on something that's not screaming _why _or _no _or just screaming over and over - "You know what, Mochi... Misa is really _tired _of you telling her what she shouldn't be doing. Telling her she's only going to get hurt. Misa thinks you should go away -" She's trying to make her voice sharp, trying to hurt him even a little bit as much as she hurts, but it's not working, her voice is trembling and the tears are sliding down her face, she tastes them - "You should go away and _leave her alone..."_

Mogi stares at her and he swallows but eventually he just says again, "You shouldn't be on your own."

And the terrible thing is Misa partly doesn't _want _him to go. She's kidding herself that when she's on her own she will be able to stop pretending, that she will be _herself _as opposed to this ugly, blotchy girl who keeps shrieking and saying, doing all the wrong things - but she knows that really, when she's on her own she will look round the empty apartment and she will realise that nothing has changed, that Mogi isn't the problem either. And then she will be crying and crying and she won't be able to stop.

"I don't know who else I can ask to be with you right now," Mogi carries on. He sounds halting, tired. "Raito's mother has Sayu to look after. If you have any friends nearby, then I'm happy to -"

Misa imagines it, calling Nori or someone else she hasn't seen in months, explaining _my fiancee dropped dead, I need..._

They would say _Misa, I'm so sorry._

It's not going to be like that. It's _not. _Raito may have left but - but he would want Misa to - to think, to be clever, to have a plan. (She grabs onto this thought like the first rung of a ladder.) A plan and... it was because of the task force he died, right? Because of the task force and because of _Mochi. _So she'll be smart. She'll fake cute, just like she did before, and he will fall for it again, think that she's going to be all right, that he doesn't have to watch her and then she will -

The thought of it makes her shivery and sick but that's better than screaming and so she manages a smile, says, "No. No, it's okay. Mochi can stay." And he sighs and she sees the relief in his face and she feels even better.

The feeling-better carries her through the rest of the night; it's a bit like being drunk, she floats on a cloud of satisfaction, imagines how pleased Raito will be with her. Mochi cooks for them, of course - Misa feels really horrible enjoying it, can only swallow it by reminding herself of how it's all going to end, how she's only treating herself in order to make him not suspicious. She slips up a few times even so, in her mask, that is. She says to him at one point _won't Monchichi be angry that he hasn't got Mochi with him? Aren't you supposed to be working? _and it's meant to be cute and funny but it sounds mean, really mean, like she's actually said _does he know you decided to follow me around again instead of help them? _Mogi only looks sadly at her and says that Aizawa and Ide are both in the ICU being treated for gunshot wounds and he thought he was of more use here than back at the hospital. Like he's making everything so much _better. _Misa has said, before she can stop herself, _you mean you thought you might get to fuck me again if you follow me home. Now my boyfriend is dead it's the perfect opportunity, right? _Mogi goes dead white at that and he stares at her like she's hit him, and she wants to keep staring back and prompt a huge row between them, goad him into actually talking, _yelling _at her, destroy everything that way, but then she starts jittering in her head _no, stop, you've got a plan, remember, you don't__** need**__ to - got a plan - _

_Sorry, _she says, biting her lip, and turns her gaze down to her food. _Misa knows you wouldn't... take advantage. I'm just... _Her voice is going flat and it doesn't sound like her any more, funny how different it sounds when you strip out all the inflection, all the acting. _I'm just tired._

Mogi says _I understand _and then he gets up and starts clearing the plates. He does all the washing up and everything. After that it's late enough she can start talking about going to bed, bustle around looking for a sheet and blanket so he can sleep on the sofa. She almost says how it'll be uncomfortable because he's so tall, she almost _teases _him about it, and she can kid himself it's part of her plan but she knows it's not, it was just how she would act with him. Anyway, she gets him bedding and it's all horribly silent by now so she says she'll see him in the morning and then scurries away into the bedroom.

It's not as bad coming in here as she expected. Partly because Raito hadn't slept here for weeks; he'd been at the other task force headquarters, or with Takada. Actually Misa hasn't slept here for a while either, what with everything that happened since Christmas. Still, she doesn't go over to the bed even so. She sits down cross-legged on the floor and waits until she can be sure Mogi's asleep.

(She should prepare for it; write a note; put on a pretty dress, paint on a pretty face.)

The light is off and after a bit, the light under the door, in the main room, goes off too.

(This is _important. _This is her atonement, her reunion with Raito. But... but she's too churned up to plan. She is a bit scared that if she did, if she started playing dress-up, she'd lose her nerve. Because she's so tired and... it would feel like she's playing a game. She's just waiting for Mochi to fall asleep and then she is leaving all of this. She's just waiting. If she started preparing herself, she'd only be putting it off.)

(She doesn't want to scream out loud any more, at the moment, but she thinks, she knows that behind the initial silence and numbness there is the _real _understanding of what's happened, there's having to think about it, there's having to live in this apartment and - and pack up Raito's clothes and - she _can't - _there's no point in waiting -)

When it feels like it's been long enough - Mochi nearly got killed today, he must be sleepy - she scrambles to her feet, and, gently, she eases the door open. She had time to think about how she would do it. A kitchen knife wouldn't be sharp enough. Hanging herself would be too difficult, in the dark when she has to hide her actions from someone else, and she isn't sure there's anything strong enough to tie a scarf to anyway. There might be razor blades in the bathroom, but she can't swear to it, Raito not having been home in so long. So she figures painkillers. There's a box in the bedside table, but it only has three or four in, that won't be enough. So she crosses the main room, light footsteps, Mogi's slow breathing all around her, and creeps into the bathroom. It's full of washed-out light, moonlight or streetlight, and it makes her think of getting sick or getting her period at three a.m. when you're too tired to think straight or work out what's really happening. She feels like she's not thinking straight. She feels like she should be making more of an effort with this. She hasn't even had a shower. She hasn't even washed her face.

She's fumbling around in the tiny bathroom cabinet but even as she looks and looks she's not seeing what she wants. She keeps searching, telling herself she's just tired, but there are only two shelves and they're hardly filled, she already knows that there's nothing there. She puts the light on, belatedly (she's allowed to go to the bathroom, he can't suspect anything) but then she can see there really aren't any painkillers, there's a box of plasters and some anti-indigestion tablets and spare soap and toothpaste and that's it. The panic is rising in her now, making her set her teeth against it, and - so, so she has to change the plan, she - but she was right, there aren't any razor blades either and if she smashes the mirror then Mogi will hear. She tries to tell herself _it's okay, it doesn't have to be done now _but it _does, _that's the only reason she let him stay, stop all this before it begins -

Her fiancee is dead and he hasn't even been dead twenty-four hours and she has her bit on the side back to the apartment. She can talk like she was going to kill herself but look, how stupid, _oh, I didn't go to the store, so I guess I can't do it, huh, what a shame! _She is a liar, a faker, she -

Wait. The paper. The piece of paper. She could write down her own name, couldn't she? She thought she'd run out of room but - but surely if she tries - she's careful, she's delicate -

She fumbles with the paper, takes it out of her pocket, smooths it out against the bathroom mirror. It's creased enough that she's scared it will disintegrate under her fingers, but it just about holds together and she squints at the mess of blood and ink covering it. Will it still work if she writes her own name over others? Like, does the paper have to be able to _read _it, or is just the action of you tracing out a name with a pen touching it enough? It's worth trying, at least. She needs to get back to the main room, find a pen without waking Mogi up - or she could use her blood, maybe, but she's not at all sure she'd be able to trace out the characters properly, not on such a tiny piece -

There's a cautious knock on the door.

"Misa? Are... are you all right?"

Misa wants to scream but underneath that she's so tired she almost doesn't care any more. Of _course _she is going to get caught. Of course.

"Misa... Misa is fine," she says, but her voice is hoarse and shaky. Well, so what? So _what, _she's entitled to have a good cry in the bathroom, what, does Mochi expect her to be some kind of, of porcelain doll or something?

She waits to hear his footsteps moving away, but there's nothing.

"Is Mochi peering through the keyhole?" she snaps at last. "I'm not taking a shower, not at this time of night."

"No," he says, not even sounding offended at the suggestion, just blank, tired. "I'm... I was worried about you."

"Why would you be? Misa-Misa is..."

Well, she can't say _fine, _can she. As she's struggling to think what she _can _say, she hears Mogi draw a breath, and then he says, "I know... I know that you're angry with me."

She bites down on her lip because she so wants to say _that's for sure. _

"I know that I lied to you and I know that... you feel I took you away from him when it mattered."

Misa wants to snarl at him _you __**did**__, _but funnily enough it's not actually true. It wasn't like... it wasn't like he grabbed her and forced her into the cupboard with him. She talked like she was going to go back out and look for Raito, but then she didn't. Because she was scared? Or because...

Really, she's angry with Mochi because she wants to make someone else feel as miserable as she does.

"You couldn't have done anything to help him," Mogi carries on. "The - the shinigami - the thing which gave him the notebook, you must have seen it - the shinigami killed him because he was going to go to prison. It... it thought... it thought that would be boring. Misa, once he got to NHN that was it. There was no way he could have survived this."

Misa has wrenched the door open before she can think.

"You knew?" she hears herself say, and she's very cold and it hurts to talk. "You knew about the shinigami? And the - the paper and everything?"

Mogi nods.

Misa doesn't want to say the next bit, but she can't, she can't not - and besides, she needs to know, there's no point in getting all upset if something's going to kill her anyway - and Raito would like that, they would be the same. Or perhaps she would be the one who'd like it. She can't tell. She takes a deep breath, and, keeping her eyes on Mogi, she says, "Does that happen to... to anyone who's been Kira? Will it happen to me?"

There's a long silence. A car goes past outside. Mogi stares at her but he isn't looking horrified, he isn't yelling at her _how could you _or _what do you mean. _

"I don't... I don't think so," he says at last. "If it was, it would have already happened by now."

He looks tired, that's it. Like he was expecting all this. So maybe he did know all along. If she'd asked him earlier, would he have admitted it? Would he have told her he could love her anyway? No, that's stupid, that's romance. He's too good to say something like that. Or, at any rate, he's never going to _say _it.

Her palms are damp; the paper is fraying between her fingers. She wonders if he's noticed it. "Why are you still here, then?"

"I said, someone -"

"You know what I mean."

Does she want him to say _because I love you? _She thinks that she doesn't care; that Raito is still dead and it still hurts so much. But part of her wants to hear it anyway, as a silly, cheering-up joke. If she had told him, instead of saying to Raito where they were, would things have been different? Raito might have had to look for them for longer. He wouldn't have gone to the TV station, not today, anyway. She should be devastated at that thought, that she is to blame for all of this, but she's just - angry. If Raito hadn't talked her into telling, he might still be alive. He should've figured it out. He was smart enough, wasn't he?

Even in this, he didn't think about how it would hurt her.

"Letting you hurt yourself wouldn't do me any good," Mogi says at last. "Sometimes you have to compromise on - on things you believe."

Well. Misa knows _that, _at least.

Staring him in the face, she holds out the crumpled scrap of paper to him. And, after a moment, he takes it.

ooo

Aizawa remembers running. He remembers not noticing anything except the shouts of the mob behind him and his mind carefully, methodically, calculating how far behind him they must be, where might he have a chance to throw them off. It's actually quite peaceful, not having to worry about anything else.

That carries him along for a bit, actually, when he turns a corner and runs into another group of Kira supporters.

_Wait, _Raito is saying. _Wait - _and then, _Aizawa... be reasonable about this. What have you got to gain from being stubborn?_

_My life? _The analysis is still coursing through his brain, he's still kidding himself he can get out of this. But under all of that he can feel his gasps for breath, his aching legs; he can hear the breaths of the people surrounding him, and the wail of sirens outside.

_No, _Raito says, _no, you've lost that whatever happens, don't be stupid. But your family - they can be safe - assured of Kira's protection for life - think what that means - after all, they'll need it - losing a husband and father - _

_No one to fight their corner otherwise, _he says, _and linked to a man who actively tried to destroy the new world..._

Aizawa doesn't remember exactly what happens after that. He loses his temper, of course he does - the sick, hopeless rage that Raito will be able to do anything he wants to Eriko and the girls, that Aizawa can beg and plead and offer anything and Raito will probably screw him over just for the fun of it -

On the floor, being kicked, curling up, running footsteps and more sirens, _it'll end soon, it's got to end, why the hell isn't someone stopping this? _Hands scrabbling in his pockets. Raito leaning over him - the sling he was wearing has come untied, blood oozes down his fingers -

_We need to go, there are police outside - _

_Give me the paper! _Raito snarls and his face is close to Aizawa's, his eyes wide, his skin spattered with blood, and Aizawa wonders again how they never noticed this man was completely insane, how they spent five years working under him and never picked up on it -

Time is slowing down. He is thinking, carefully, picking his way across the words, that as soon as he explains to Raito that he doesn't have the paper, that both pages were left with the SPK, then Raito will kill him. And under that thought is the line that _it wasn't meant to be like this, _that _I got lucky and then I just threw it away -_

That's about all, for a long time.

Until he's opening his eyes and thinking that _god _his throat feels like someone's been at it with sandpaper.

He blinks - his eyes are dry and itchy too - and he looks at the ceiling, and, and he's not -

_(You bastard, _Raito screams at him, and then _I warned you, I warned you, I gave you every chance -_)

He is half-convinced, for some reason, that he's back in the bedroom of the apartment he and Eriko lived in right after they were married, and he's worried because if that's the case then there's no way in _hell _he can stop Kira, he doesn't even know what the murder notebook is at this point. And in addition to that, and his aching throat, his chest hurts like someone's sitting on it, and he's got to _do _something, he can't just lie around complaining he feels ill. Someone is talking to him, but he can't understand what they're saying and he tries to snap at them _slow down, start again, _but he can't get the words out.

Like when you doze off in the middle of a movie and when you wake up you have no clue what's on screen, he finds himself awake again. Except that this time he knows he doesn't know where he is. And then he hears Eriko's voice, saying his name.

He looks over and thank god, she's there, she's alive - and the girls too, Yumi perched next to her, Youko sitting on her lap. He finds himself smiling and then he remembers when he last saw them, in that damn prison visiting room, what he was facing then, what _they _were facing, and he hears Raito say again _no one to fight their corner..._

They all look very tired, but they're wearing different clothes from before, clean clothes, and Youko is clutching a teddy bear and Yumi and Eriko both have purses slung over their shoulders. He swallows - he has to say something, he can't just keep staring - but his mouth is still dry. Yumi, her hand shaking a little, reaches over her mother to the bedside table, and then she's handing him a cup of water.

"I... I guess you're allowed to drink stuff?" she says. "They wouldn't have left it here otherwise, right?"

Aizawa sips at the water and thanks her and she gives him a relieved, nervous smile back, the cool-teenager-poise completely absent from her face.

"Well," Eriko says, and then stops, and then carries on, "This is the longest you've been awake for three days. Welcome back to the real world." There's a sarcastic edge to her voice.

"Are you..." Takada died, yes, he remembers that bit - and people were getting scared, questioning their loyalties - "Have you been able to - to go back home?"

"We've been staying in a hotel," Eriko says. "Of our own choosing, this time. Mogi-san thought it might be best. Things seem to be quietening down, though, so I'm hoping we'll be able to go back home soon."

"And back to school," Yumi mumbles. She tries to roll her eyes, pull an exasperated face, but it doesn't really convince. Aizawa wonders what people are going to say to her. _I saw your mum and dad on TV. I saw them both almost __**die**__ on TV -_

"When do I get to leave here?" he says, trying not to follow that thought any further. "What happened, anyway?"

Eriko gives Yumi a look and the girl seems to have been prepared for this, because she scrambles off the chair and takes her sister's hand: "Hey, Youko, let's go and see if we can get some chocolate for you and Daddy, okay?" Aizawa's surprised - but relieved - to see that his younger daughter doesn't seem to mind this, trudges off with her sister, although she does still glance back at them, fingers in her mouth, as they walk away.

"She's a bit better than she was," Eriko says. "If she's distracted, she's happy to stay just with Yumi. But I'm not sure how kindergarten is going to work, at least not right now."

"Don't worry about that -" Aizawa is beginning, and he means _we'll sort it out, we'll come through it, now we've survived this we can do anything _but Eriko snaps at him, "No, I'm afraid I have to worry about that, Shuichi, I'm sorry. In case you didn't know, it doesn't all _stop _after you narrowly survive a gunshot wound to the chest. People are still - the nurses were giving me funny looks even when I came in here today, for god's sake -"

"Stop it. Stop it, I didn't mean it like that -"

"Mogi told me you turned round and ran straight back towards the mob."

"I wasn't trying to get myself killed!" There's a curtain round the bed, but Aizawa keeps his voice low anyway. "They'd caught up with the three Americans. They were in no state to run and I was. Would you rather I hid and listened to them getting beaten to death?"

"If it had meant you not nearly dying, then yes," she snaps. "Yes, I would."

They stare at each other for a few seconds. She's very pale; she presses her lips together, blinks hard.

"You got hit in the chest," she says. "Your lung partially collapsed. They think you'll be able to go home in a few days." She sounds mulish, now, like a child still sulking.

"Just... just the chest?"

"Would you have preferred something else?"

"No, I just..."

He can't be sure, but he has a memory that someone had a gun - that one of the people chasing him had a gun, and so when they caught up with him and Raito realised he was useless, they should have emptied it into him. With Raito's attention to detail it seems bizarre that he didn't shoot Aizawa in the head to make sure.

For that matter - "Did Mogi tell you what happened to the others?" he says. "The Americans? Matsuda and - and Ide? Or Raito Yagami, did he mention him? The guy who was on NHN after Takada died, telling everyone to come and kill us?"

"The other people you were on the run with are all alive," she says. "Ide's still in here - someone shot him too. But he's doing well. He'll be out soon. Yagami... he was found dead when it was all over. They're saying it was a heart attack."

"Seriously?" So maybe the SPK had managed to - or someone else, had someone written down his name earlier, set it for that time? Oh, what the hell, it doesn't matter any more, what matters is that Kira's dead. Aizawa wouldn't mind some good old-fashioned elation, joy in revenge. But there isn't anything. Just faint bafflement and under that, wistfulness for god's sake, like there could have been another outcome...

"So... no one's been giving you a hard time?" he says. Focus on the here and now. The people who matter. "They let you go? Or..."

Eriko just looks at him for a few seconds, like it was a really stupid question, but then she says, slowly, "It was me watching, with two of those security men. I... Youko was with me, of course, but she didn't really know what was going on. Yumi had shut herself in the bathroom. I said I'd... I'd tell her when it was..." She swallows. "I didn't know what they'd do. I didn't know if..."

"I - sure."

"Takada died and... they weren't expecting that. Those men. They didn't say anything to me but they were looking at each other, I could see they were nervous. I could see you, I could see you were still alive." She wraps her arms around herself, like she wants to clutch at him and isn't letting herself. "Then they took you offstage and I... I didn't know what to think. I was hoping maybe Kira had decided to... well. You have no idea how angry I was that I was feeling grateful to him for it." A wry smile. "Then Yagami came on and made his _request _and... I was terrified, Shuichi. I thought, well, clearly everything's completely out of control down there, that you had to still be under guard somewhere... I thought I'd see you being dragged out and shot and... then I thought what if he came here - Yagami, I mean - I knew he'd been giving orders to those men before - I thought what if he decided we should die as well, or..."

He is expecting her to be crying by now, but she's not, even though the words tumble out like she hasn't enough breath for them.

"I could see that the men were scared too," she carries on. "That didn't help; I wondered if they'd kill us in order to, I don't know, cover their tracks or something. The broadcast stopped soon after that... I mean, the test card went up. The men were calling their colleagues, trying to find out what was going on, and I think someone told them to let us go. Said that Kira would kill them or something. I mean they just left us. Threw the room key on the table and walked out. I packed up the stuff we had and - the news was saying the riot was under control. I packed up and then I got a taxi to the studio and I met Mogi there. That Misa-Misa girl was there, too." Another smile, but this one is shakier, and her voice sways a little like she's not thinking about what she's saying. "I don't think Yumi was in the mood for star-spotting, though and... Misa-Misa didn't look well either, she looked like she'd seen a ghost. I thought how odd it was, she looked just as scared as me."

She takes a breath, and looks back at him. "I waited with Mogi until... well, until we found out what had happened to you. Then we followed you over to the hospital and to be honest it doesn't feel like we've been anywhere else much since."

Aizawa partly wants to snap at her that he's _so sorry _he managed to collapse a lung, it wasn't like he did it on purpose, but really he's too tired to pick a fight. Or rather, he can understand why Eriko is cross with him. There's definitely a way of looking at this that makes him look like some kind of... show-off with something to prove. And it _does _seem to have turned out more or less all right - far less worse than it could have done - but that isn't due more to him than to anyone else.

"You said... you said Ide got hurt too?" he says at last.

She nods. "Matsuda-san was with him at the time, but he - Mogi spoke to him, but didn't manage to get much idea of what had happened."

"Right." Aizawa remembers - he can feel his mind making the effort to pull the recollections together - that he spent much of that day shouting at Ide for various things. He can remember why - putting them all in danger by shielding Matsuda, and of course actually using those damn pages (but if he hadn't, then - _we were all trapped in that room, the mob would've got to us and -) _

He was furious before, and he isn't, now, not so much. It... Ide was so clearly doing whatever he needed to in order to keep himself alive, and Aizawa couldn't, and... he was so tired of being terrified that he was going to screw up and someone was going to die...

"Mogi mentioned that the two of you had argued," Eriko says, softly.

"Did he say what it was about?"

"He said you were both tired and worried about the situation and argued about how best to deal with it. Which sounds very like both of you." There isn't an obvious reproof in her voice, but he finds himself turning his face away from her anyway.

"Oh, god." Eriko's voice sinks a little; he looks round to see her resting her head in her hands. "I didn't... I didn't want to come in here and shout at you. I'm not - I know this isn't all your fault. I just don't... I'm just..."

"Really pissed off with me?"

He manages to get a slight smile out of her, and she reaches over, takes his hand, strokes her thumb along his knuckles.

"Not just you," she says. "I just didn't need you telling me there's nothing to worry about. I mean - some of the things people have been saying about Kira - about all of this - and you just kept blindly on with it, all the time. I know it was _the right thing to do _or whatever but - and I'd decided I wasn't going to nag you about the long hours or - and then all of this, how do you think it felt for me? I kept thinking I could have talked you out of it, or - or perhaps I couldn't, perhaps you wouldn't give a damn what I thought. Perhaps you were happier working insane hours and putting your life on the line than you were being with me and the girls, perhaps I'd just been deluding myself. And then I hear you give a bunch of vigilantes something to target -"

"No. No, no, that's -" Aizawa is struggling to get the words out and the lack of breath seems even worse now. "That is _not - _don't be ridiculous, I - I never _wanted _all of this. Okay? I was _happy _having a life outside work. And if you knew how mad I am that -" He nearly says _that the bastard was under my nose the whole time and making us put the hours in for __**nothing**__, _but just in time he catches himself. "And I wasn't looking to be a hero, either, I just... god, if there'd been another way, if we'd been able to stop it before it went this far, you don't think I would've taken it? And do you think - when she - Takada, when she let me see you that last time I kept thinking -" He's running out of breath again, but he's not sure it's just that; there's a lump in his throat.

Eriko squeezes his hand, and when he looks at her he can see that she's blinking back tears too. He's going to say more, he's going to explain everything, he's going to promise that this is never, ever going to happen again, but just at the moment Yumi and Youko slide back through the curtains, chatting excitedly about how they saw a tiny baby downstairs being taken out of the hospital. Well, Yumi's chatting, with quick little glances at her sister, hope that she'll buy into the excitement. Youko is looking tremulous, but as they all talk to her, all making it sound like things really are as all right as they can be, she manages a smile.

ooo

"I really wish you would think about it, Hideki."

Ide keeps his eyes on the clock over the ward door. Ten-twenty-five. Mogi said he'd be here for quarter to. And it's okay, he's always punctual, but Ide could really do with him being early this time.

His mother sighs, opens and closes her handbag, makes a show of looking for some tissues or a purse or something. Ide doesn't remember her doing that when he was a kid and they disagreed, presumably because she had the power of veto over him. It's something she seems to have started since he left home. She says _I really don't think that's a good idea _and then she waits, fumbles with whatever she happens to be holding, and then he usually snaps at her and she can then look hurt and say she's only worried about him. Funny how stuff like this doesn't suddenly become bearable and endearing after you've nearly died. In fact the ache in his stomach where they closed the wound and the heavy, itchy plaster on his leg and the bright lights and the constant noise and the inane chatter from the next bed has eaten up so much of his patience he's surprised he hasn't completely lost it, kicked something over and yelled that for god's sake, he has been through hell in the last few days and can she not, not for _one second - _

He takes a deep breath and manages to say more-or-less calmly, "I'll be fine. It's not like my place is so big it'll be a problem getting around it. And there isn't room for someone else anyway."

"I just think it would make things easier for you if I were close by -"

"_No_," Ide says. He sounds too pissed off and he hastily tries to soothe it with, "It would put you out too much. And it would be too much hassle. I... just need to rest, now, okay? I can't do that if I'm worrying about putting someone else up."

She sighs again, glances pointedly away, at the empty bedside table, the whiteboard above the bed. Ide looks at the clock again. Ten-twenty-seven.

He knows he's being harsh here. It can't exactly be fun to watch one of your children get hunted through the country and then almost killed right in front of you on TV. He thought she'd be worse, to be honest; would lecture him about how he needs to be taking better care of himself, or how he should have picked a more appropriate career, or... or... actually, perhaps that's why she isn't saying anything. You can't trace any of it obviously back to his actions unless you start asking questions about Kira, and he can see she's far too scared to do that. He doesn't like seeing her scared. Oh, she acts _worried _all the time, and often she goes on about if the worst happened, but he can't remember ever seeing her honest-to-god terrified.

(There were lots of people round him, but he couldn't see Matsuda - and he kept trying to ask what had happened, was the guy okay, but people didn't _listen, _or they did but they didn't understand and they just said _it's all right _and he wanted to tell them not to patronise him but he kept not being able to put the words together, or falling asleep, or hurting. And then as time went on he remembered about Satake and he should explain, he should confess, he's lying here playing the victim when he's no better than Raito or Mello or Higuchi, killing for gain, and he _wants _to explain but he's too scared.

And then there aren't so many people, and he feels like he's got away with something and it tastes sickly and he wonders if that's it, if he traded his own freedom for Matsuda's life somehow and that's why no one will tell him the guy is dead and he does say, he does actually say out loud _I tried to stop him dying - I opened the door and I knew that bastard was going to kill me but I'd left him before and - I tried to __**stop**__ it, doesn't that count? _

He can't tell if his mother hears that or if she's there later. But she's there, and she's holding his hand and she's saying to him _it's all right, it's going to be all right, I promise _like he's a child again but she's crying as she says it and it hits him, that she must know about all of it - the secrets and the notebook pages and Ikuya Satake's name scribbled down and leaving Matsuda to die and - he feels like shit and he wants it to make him say sorry and mean it, but it doesn't; he just says something awful like _I didn't deserve any of this._)

Of course reality sorted itself out after a while. They told him Matsuda was alive - they told him more than once, in fact, because he kept suspecting he'd dreamed it - and no one asked him about Satake's death, or about mysterious pieces of paper, and his mother reverted to her usual controlled guilt-tripping of _I was so worried _(Ide wondered if she thought it had been _fun _for him, if he would never have let it happen if he'd realised how much it upset his family) and then his brother and sister showed up and took the opportunity to press books on him that they'd always wanted him to read. But the sickliness of getting away with so much didn't go away. Of course he's not going to admit any of it now, and especially not to his family. Telling them anything about Kira or the notebook will only cause trouble for them, and it isn't like he wants to pretend he killed someone in a _normal _way. The whole point was that it was too easy just to write down a name. If he'd been holding a gun instead, he wouldn't have done it. Perhaps.

Perhaps that's why he's getting so irritated by his mother's attempts to stick around. He finds it hard enough to keep up the act that he isn't finding her irritating and that he is doing all the things she wants him to and he is completely aware that at some point he's going to have to get married. Adding to that list that he isn't responsible for anyone's death and didn't betray anyone or lie to them or - god, or _kiss _them -

Ten-twenty-nine. Okay, soon Mogi will show up, and Mogi projects responsibility and good sense, and hopefully he'll manage to convince Ide's mother that he's safe enough to drive her son home from the hospital. And then Ide will be back in his own apartment and he'll be able to sleep with the lights off and eat what he wants to and shower and shave and read books and just be grateful that no one is trying to kill him any more. And then he'll go back to work and he'll have more than five other people sharing the workload with him and murderers will leave normal clues again, like traces of DNA and CCTV footage. This is all what he wanted, and the only reason he's still feeling grumpy right now is because he's tired and still kind of sore and stuck here waiting.

The door opens, and he glances up.

Matsuda is standing in the doorway.

Ide's stomach lurches like he's just been shoved off the bed. Which is stupid, he has no reason to be uneasy about seeing Matsuda, but - the man is practically the embodiment of everything Ide's trying to keep secret, it's like everything will be guessed just by looking at him.

He is yelling at himself that that doesn't matter, it's all over now, that he doesn't have to think about it, but at the same time he is looking at Matsuda numbly and realising he has absolutely no clue what he's supposed to say to him.

Matsuda is looking back at him guiltily like he assumes Ide is appalled to see him, but he creeps over to them and launches into something about how Mogi's really sorry but something happened to Misa-Misa and he couldn't leave her, and Aizawa's still pretty ill himself, and Matsuda figured Ide would rather have someone collect him than not -

At that, of course, his mother starts going on about how they wouldn't want to put anyone to any trouble and she would be _happy _to deal with things herself, it's just that her son - That shakes Ide out of the cluelessness about what to say and he mutters introductions. He doesn't bother to say _Matsuda is someone I work with _or _one of the others who nearly died a week ago;_ his mother is already nodding, saying that she recognises his face, that she hopes he's quite recovered now. Matsuda is fidgeting, one hand plucking at the other, and their gazes follow the movement and Ide hears his mother stumble on her words as she sees the missing fingers. Matsuda hastily pulls his arm back, tucks the damaged hand into his pocket.

"We should... we should probably go," he says at last, and goes off on another rambling sentence about hospital parking fees. There are a number of reasons Ide could wish Mogi had managed to make it here, but as he struggles to his feet, reaching for the crutches they gave him, and his mother frets around him like he's been unable to walk for months, his chief concern is that she'll look at Matsuda, conclude he isn't capable of taking care of a goldfish, and simply insist on staying in Tokyo with Ide until his leg's mended. And spend the entire time chatting away about how she was _so worried._

But she doesn't. In the lift down she actually stays silent, glancing over at him and Matsuda, and, when they get to the main entrance and Matsuda starts asking _are you - do you need a lift, or will you - I mean - _she says that no, she'll go back to her hotel for now, "I think Hideki's a little sick of the sight of me!" She says it lightly, but there's a sharpness under her words and Ide finds himself scowling at the floor. He thinks of himself asking people again and again _are you sure Matsuda's all right, are you sure? _

"Come round this evening," he says. "Let me get settled in first, then you can reassure yourself I'll be able to cope." He sounds grudging, but she touches his arm gently and she says that that would be lovely.

"She seems nice," Matsuda says, once she's left them. He sounds absent, like he's just saying stock phrases because he knows he should. Still, Ide can deal with that. Stock phrases are a lot easier than some of the other conversations they could be having. What sort of conversations _would _they have, anyway? Matsuda doesn't seem angry with him, or seeking any kind of explanation for anything, and it isn't like there's even much _to _explain.

He shrugs. "I suppose she is. If she's not your mother."

"Hey, my mum's been going on at me too," Matsuda says. "She keeps calling and pretending she has a reason to talk to me when she just... you know, wants to check I'm still alive." He is walking on ahead, past the rows of parked cars, and every so often remembering Ide can't keep up with him and stopping. The annoyance of that, and of the rain in the air, and the smell of car fumes, is helping Ide a bit to calm down, get his head together. Real life is just as it always was. Things are back to normal, more or less. There's no need to start blurting out every thought in your head.

"Sorry I didn't come and visit," Matsuda says suddenly. "I wanted to, I was going to, but... I've been staying with my dad... I mean, I still am, and he... he said I had to rest up. I mean, I know I didn't... but..." A pause, and then he says, "I think he wanted me to keep a low profile, to be honest."

Ide goes cold all over and hears himself snap, "I thought everything had calmed down - Mogi said -" God, they're just out here in the open, _anyone _could -

"No, no, it has!" Matsuda has turned away again; his voice is painfully cheerful. "No one's trying to... it's just that people keep giving me funny looks. You must've noticed, even in there... right?"

Ide wants to say that that had better be all it is, that he doesn't need anyone keeping back unpleasant truths, but he reminds himself that if things _had _been worse than he'd thought, there's no way his mother wouldn't have insisted on accompanying him home and probably staying up all night to guard the front door.

"I suppose," he says. He still sounds grudging, and so, after a moment, he carries on, ""The guy in the room next to mine - he had a bunch of relatives visiting him every day and I swear if they could've got away with it they would've been taking pictures of me on their phones." Offering up an anecdote. Matsuda likes anecdotes.

Matsuda still isn't looking at him, but the cheerfulness sounds perhaps a little less fake. "Yeah. Well. Exactly. And you know what my dad's like. He doesn't like his family attracting attention. Not this kind, anyway. I used to joke sometimes I'd go on one of those game shows, you know, with the obstacle courses or whatever, and he always acted like I said I was going to start dealing drugs. So... so it's not surprising that... anyway, that's why I didn't... that's why I didn't show up. And I'm sorry."

"It - it doesn't matter. I was out of it for most of the time. I probably would've thought I was dreaming." And that gives him far too many openings to start saying _I kept asking about you, I kept thinking you must be dead - _so he says instead, "So you haven't seen Aizawa, either?"

"He's okay," Matsuda says. "I mean, he wasn't well for a bit, but he's recovered fine now." He hasn't answered the question, but then Ide doesn't particularly want to start speculating on how Aizawa probably doesn't want to see either of them right now, or perhaps ever.

"And his family are okay too," Matsuda carries on. "I mean, he's back home with them and Takada didn't..." He stops. All the stuff that _could _be said lies between them and Ide quickly answers, "That's a relief. Glad to hear it." He sounds unbearably formal, but Matsuda doesn't call him on it, doesn't even seem to notice.

The journey is silent. Ide rests his head against the car window, leg stretched out across the back seat. Even the short walk from the hospital to the car seems to have tired him out, but perhaps it's as much stress about Matsuda's presence as anything else. Or the thought of all the things he needs to find out about. How Raito died. Why Matsuda didn't. What he actually did, whether he acted on what Ide told him to do. Where the notebook is. Whether Matsuda's had any questions about Hirota Sato's death - hell, whether he's planning to go and confess to it tomorrow. Whether anyone has said anything about what happened to Satake...

The sick taste rises up in the back of his mouth again. For god's sake. Mogi knew exactly what happened there - if there was going to be trouble he would have said something - no one's going to say anything, they must see that if he hadn't done what he did they'd all be dead by now -

_And that makes it okay, does it? _

"Mello woke up a few days ago," says Matsuda.

"Seriously?"

"I know. That's, what, three near-death experiences he's come back from?" Matsuda's face isn't visible, but Ide thinks he can hear a note of bitterness in his voice. "The SPK, they got him out of hospital and now... now I guess they've gone back to wherever Near was hiding out."

"What about the notebook?"

"Gevanni-san and Rester-san promised Mogi they'd burn it."

"Do you believe them?"

A shrug. "It doesn't matter, does it? Mello's going to be the new L. Even if he did keep it, wouldn't it be in the safest place, with the greatest detective in the world?" Matsuda sighs. "Mogi doesn't seem... well, I don't know, you can't really tell, with him, but... he said Mello was still pretty weak after what happened. So maybe the SPK will be able to find the notebook and get rid of it before he can stop them."

It occurs to Ide that if Mello _is _going to take on L's role, then he'll have a hell of a lot of dirt on certain members of the Japanese police that could potentially come in handy for him. But there's not much they can do about that, either. Ide would personally have happily seen Mello die and the title of L lie abandoned, at least for a bit while they raised up another sociopathic genius, but he's not about to say that out loud. Even Matsuda will probably say _oh, but we need an L, we couldn't have defeated Kira without him, without any of them... _

Or perhaps he wouldn't say that, not now.

At last the car pulls up outside the apartment building. It's raining properly by now. Ide tries to focus on the needles of damp prickling his neck and shoulders rather than the warmth of Matsuda's hand under his arm as he's helped out of the car. This is ridiculous. People have been manhandling him for _days _to help him sit up or lie down or generally be a normal, presentable human being, why should this be any different? Just because he is choosing to view this in the context of all the other times Matsuda touched him, just because he is choosing to think about them at _all... _

He keeps his eyes on the damp ground, the spots of rain speckling his shoe, Matsuda's feet ahead of him. For the last time, things are back to normal now. What, does he want to prove everyone right in what they thought of him? Impulsive and arrogant and stubborn and unhealthily preoccupied with intimate relations with male colleagues? And it isn't as if what he did with Matsuda helped the situation at all. It was to all intents and purposes a disaster. Inside, the building foyer is stuffy, smells of wet feet and wet hair; the lights are on, one flickering slightly. It's been doing that for weeks; Ide knows because he remembers it from the last time he was back here and that was ages ago - before Christmas, maybe even. All at once he finds himself wishing he had somewhere else to go: some anonymous hotel, a friend's house. He doesn't particularly want to remember coming back here after a hard day of working with the sociopath who then tried to kill him on several occasions. It's got the same embarrassment at your naivety as, say, reading an old diary, or looking at clothes you used to wear as a teenager.

The lift is working, luckily; Ide really didn't want to have Matsuda watch him struggle with the stairs, or be marooned down here, or whatever you have to do when you've broken your leg. As they reach the apartment door he is telling himself that he will offer Matsuda some tea or something just to be polite, and then Matsuda will probably say no, and if he doesn't then it's no big deal, he's just being polite too - but then he actually looks over at the man and Matsuda is pale, arm held to his side, breath catching in his throat, and Ide has blurted out, "What's wrong with you?" instead.

"I... I broke a rib. I mean... at NHN." Matsuda mutters it to the floor, like he injured himself entirely through his own idiocy. "It's usually not so bad but I've got painkillers and I - because Mogi called and I wasn't expecting it and... so I forgot."

"You - what the hell do you think you're doing coming to ferry me home and letting me lean on you? You saw how keen my mother was to help - she'd have been happy to give me a lift -"

"I wanted to see you," Matsuda says, even more quietly. "I hadn't seen you since -"

"Yes, all right, but -"

"And you're much worse off than me." Now he looks up, voice determinedly flippant. "What was I supposed to do, start going on about how badly hurt I was? You'd be all _hello, do you remember how many times I got shot, I think some of the bullets are still in there... _Hey, _are _any of them still in there?"

They stare at each other and Ide wonders why he ever thought sticking to the rules of normal social interaction would work when it came to Matsuda.

"I'll have something you can take," he says. "So you'd better come in. And yes, I think one of them is." He fumbles for the newly-cut key in his coat pocket. Mogi had organised that, too. Ide wonders what he said to the building superintendent. _They took his keys and wallet away from him the day before we appeared on live TV. None of us feel able to ask for them back. _The locks have been changed, too.

The apartment is chilly and the light seems dimmer in here. Ide spots an open book on the table that he'd been trying to finish for weeks; crockery by the sink from the last meal he ate here. It doesn't feel like _home, _that's for sure.

"I still haven't been back to my place," Matsuda says from behind him. Silence for a second, as if he's considering the prospect of having to do that; then, "You should sit down. I'll make you some tea or something, if you tell me where all the stuff is."

"Go and fetch some painkillers first. There's a cabinet in the bathroom."

While Matsuda's out of the room he takes the opportunity to sink gracelessly onto the couch, close his eyes. He's still tired. It would be great to pretend none of this happened, that his life will go back to normal as quickly and cleanly as they stitched up his wounds, but he's starting to suspect that isn't going to be an option. And besides, even healing wounds still hurt, don't they?

He hears Matsuda comes back into the room and start clattering around in the kitchen. All right, he may as well get the unpleasant conversations over with. Perhaps it will be easier not doing it face-to-face.

"Matsuda," he says, "has anyone said anything about what they're doing about Sato's death?"

He half-expects the sound of breaking china, a comedy distraction, but there's just stillness and eventually Matsuda says, quietly, dully, "Yeah, they said stuff."

"And?"

"Told... I told my dad."

Ide opens his eyes again; Matsuda is standing with his back to him, staring at the kettle.

"How did he take it?" he says, for lack of anything more sensible.

"He said I should... we should think about it again when I'd rested and stuff. So... so I went with that."

"Right."

"What happened was... his wife called an ambulance, you know, but... after he - after he died, she talked just to Raito and Takada. I guess they didn't want her talking about Kira stuff to anyone else. And now - now they're dead..." He swallows. "And Raito... everyone saw him on TV and... so the police, they went back to her, asked her to give her statement again. And she... she said..."

Washed-out sunlight creeps through the window; Matsuda's wavering shadow sprawls across the floor.

"She said she'd got it wrong. She said it hadn't been me. That... that her husband had recognised us and... and said he was calling NHN so we... we ran away but... then someone else showed up. One of Takada's people, she thought. A guy in a black suit. He blamed them for letting us go and he shot Sato-san. And, you know, then they said it was me because it would make us look bad. She said she wouldn't recognise the guy again."

Ide sits there and waits for the sting in the tail. They can't - Matsuda can't have got that lucky.

"They're scared of us," Matsuda says. "People are scared of us. They think Kira's _on our side. _People keep being really polite to me if I have to talk to them. And she _knows _I killed her husband. She saw it, and she knows why, but she's too scared of Kira to admit it. They got - they showed her my picture and she looked at it and she said it wasn't me who did it -" His voice is shaking. "And I _know, _I know I'm... and I'm not going to say anything because I'm - but she knows it was me and she's scared of me, she must _hate _me -"

"Stop it," Ide hears himself say, his throat suddenly hurting. "Just stop it. You're being an idiot. You don't know what she thinks."

"Raito would think it was funny, me getting my life back because of Kira," Matsuda says. "He'd say if I really wanted to... to stick to my principles I'd..." He swallows, and, his voice dry, carries on, "I'd confess. Turn myself in, like I said I was going to."

_Like I said. _Ide says, very carefully, "Does your father know about all of this?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"We had a fight about it." Matsuda shifts; kicks against the kitchen cabinet. "He said there was no point in ruining my life to prove a point. And, you know, he believed me when he said it had been an accident and I was obviously really sorry and if I ever put a foot out of line again there wouldn't be a second chance. He said how he could see from all this that I... that I was more competent than he'd realised and could really make a contribution to society and it would be a shame to... it would be a waste."

"Well, he's right, isn't he."

"The Chief wouldn't think so," Matsuda says, very quietly.

Ide doesn't know what to say to that. It's true, after all, but what the hell is he supposed to say? _We're just not as good as him_? There's no way in hell he's going to start lecturing Matsuda. He tells himself it's because Matsuda doesn't deserve punishment, what happened was an accident, he was forced into a horrible situation by the real killer of the piece, but he knows perfectly well it's really because he can't talk Matsuda into taking the blame for Sato's death and then let himself get off scot free for Satake's.

"Are you going to make that tea or not?" he says instead.

Matsuda shakes himself out of his thoughts, whatever they were, and starts scrabbling around for cups. He doesn't chatter now, though. When he walks over, carrying first one cup of tea, then the other, he's got that distant look again, like he's not really focusing on where he is now. Then he slumps down onto the floor, sipping at his drink, like the only reason he was asked in here is to have another horrible conversation. Ide doesn't want to start this one. He wants to have Matsuda chatter away about how much TV they'll have missed, or whether there were any cute nurses at the hospital, or whatever else comes into his head. But what's the point of trying to get things back onto a casual level? Sooner or later they'll only have to come back down again.

"Okay," he says, keeping his eyes on the surface of the tea, trying to pretend these words are just like all the others that have been spoken. "No one's explained yet. What happened to Raito?"

There is a long silence. Just as Ide thinks he's going to have to argue the information out of him, Matsuda takes a deep breath, and says, flatly, "It wasn't me shooting him, if that's what you wanted to know."

"I want to know _what happened. _If you'd - done what he said, I'm sure he would've then shot me in the head to make sure. I'm curious to know why we're both still alive."

"He wouldn't," Matsuda says. "He didn't with Aizawa. I think he was thinking if he didn't do that, then... then it wasn't really killing."

"Oh, well, _that's _all right, then."

Matsuda shudders, and all at once he puts his tea down on the table and pulls his knees closer to his chest, rests his arms on them, like he's trying to shield himself from the conversation that's going to follow.

"I was..." He takes another breath, which trembles. "I was trying to... not let either of us die. I told him I was... I was arresting him. We'd go back and... turn ourselves in."

"You -"

"I was going to," Matsuda snaps. "All right? I was going to but when it was all over I couldn't - I couldn't think and then my dad showed up and he took me home and when I told him he said - he -"

"I wasn't saying anything!" And even if he had been, it wouldn't have started _well, that plan didn't last long. _More _what the hell were you thinking, he'd have talked his way out of it and you'd have been left to face the music. _He tries to imagine what it would be like to have woken up in hospital and been told that Matsuda was in jail awaiting trial for murder. To see him face that. When he himself had got away with - and what the hell would he do, there wouldn't be anything he _could _do -

He swallows, shoves the thought away. It didn't happen like that. They've both got away with - funny, he doesn't like thinking _got away with it _when it applies to him. Matsuda and Sato, yeah, sure. But with Satake? It makes it sound like there was a choice, like they could have got out of it some other way, and Ide is pretty sure they couldn't have.

"Doesn't matter, anyway." Matsuda shrugs. "He rushed at me, tried to get the gun. I don't know who... He got shot, in the chest, and he ran away. And Ryuk went after him. I followed but when I caught up with them, he... he was dead. Raito, I mean. Ryuk told me. He said he'd always told Raito that... that when he..."

His voice is still flat, but it shakes a bit.

"When he died, Ryuk would be the one writing his name down in his notebook."

Ide nearly drops the tea; he just manages to get a grip at the last second, puts the cup down on the table. His hands are trembling. That - some shinigami decided that actually, maybe it _would _be better if Raito died - after all that had happened - and what, would it have done it to one of them if things had been different? Did it just write down the names of people it met on a whim? He is trying to act like he's just interested, but he's suddenly horribly aware of the breath in his lungs and he's wishing, all at once he's _really _wishing he had never touched any of the pages from that notebook, and especially that he'd not _used _them...

"Why?" he hears himself say, sounding too loud. "Why the hell would it do something like that?"

Matsuda shrugs. "He said he'd told Raito that he... He said Raito had asked him to... to write down my name and... that was cheating."

"That's not an answer! You're telling me Raito never tried asking him to write down L's name, before? Or - or something like - why the hell would it have followed him around, always kept quiet about what it knew, done what he told it to and then suddenly _this_?"

"I don't know, okay? That's all he said!" Matsuda is pale; he grips his arms with his hands. "It makes me sick too - he was _scared _and Ryuk just - he didn't even care -"

Ide actually finds himself reaching down to grab Matsuda, shake him - it's a feeble gesture but at least it gives his words some strength as he says, "That's not the point, I don't care how scared the bastard was, what I care about is -" _Is that I used the damn thing too - where does that leave me - am I just going to drop dead - _

Matsuda is staring at him and Ide is dimly aware that he's stopped talking, that he was explaining why he was so angry, but all he can think of is how Matsuda was so ashamed of what he'd done, so _guilty, he was going to give himself up, _and he himself is only concerned about it because it might just have signed his own death warrant. He finds himself turning away, scowling at his hands, and he figures he could just stop talking; tell Matsuda he's tired and wants to be on his own, screw difficult conversations.

And if once he's alone he sees a shinigami walk through the wall?

He swallows. It isn't like Matsuda thought he was so special before. Not like he thought about Raito. Huh, it isn't like Matsuda doesn't have experience by now with learning people are fallible. But Ide quite _liked _feeling basically competent around him. The feeling that he was the sensible one. The one who could sort things out.

His throat aches suddenly and he swallows again and he has to snap the words out because otherwise he won't be able to say them.

"You didn't see. You were... I used those pages, there was a guy at NHN - he would've got us killed, and I..."

For god's sake, he's making far too much of this. It doesn't mean anything. He did what he had to. And he's never been the sort of person who dreams of being the hero, he's known that he's a realist, so why the hell this is even _bothering _him - just because he wants to be admired by someone, is that it -

"You... really?" Matsuda is quiet, confused-sounding. "You wrote... really?"

Ide's stomach lurches - it echoes, seems to prompt, the stab of rage juddering through him. When the hell did he ever pretend to be so perfect he wouldn't act in self-defense? Where is Matsuda getting this from? Except, of course, that, once, he'd said out loud - and believed it, he thought - that it was wrong to use the damn thing at all. Raito would be killing himself laughing if he were watching this.

"I wouldn't make something like this up, you know."

"I didn't mean..."

Matsuda is still quiet and sad and _pitying, _that's it, like this is such a bad thing, like he's got to be sympathetic, and Ide hates it, hates being talked to like he's - like he's screwed up just as much as Matsuda has -

"I didn't tell you because I want your forgiveness or something," he snarls. "I just thought you ought to know why I'm somewhat concerned about the method of Raito's death. You know, in case a shinigami decides _I _cheated, too. So you can... you can just..."

His throat closes up again, but in the silence he hears Matsuda shift closer, feels him lean against the couch, and, finally, start to speak again.

"I think it was because Ryuk was, like, Raito's shinigami," he says. "Ryuk followed Raito around all that time, so there was probably a deal on. Ryuk would follow him and let him have the notebook, but in return... People who just... who just use the notebook once, they don't have a shinigami follow them. I mean... we talked about the Chief maybe having to use it, and Ryuk didn't say anything then."

Ide has to work to make the words line up in a coherent sentence, and then struggle even more to take in the meaning, but slowly, slowly, it sinks into his thoughts and he feels the terror sitting on his chest lift, just slightly. "That... that makes sense. And... losing your memory, that must only happen if you _own _it... Raito didn't lose his when... when we burnt that one..."

"Yeah," Matsuda says. "It's not the same. So... so you'll be okay. I mean..."

"You mean _get away with it_," Ide says, and his voice dries up on the last word. God _damn _it -

"It... it was that guy who let us out of the studio, wasn't it?" Matsuda says, still quiet. "When we were in that room he showed up and... you were all yelling at him. And... then he was... he was gone and we were running away."

Ide makes himself nod.

"He was going to let them find us, right? He knew they wanted to kill us?"

"Of course he did." Look at it one way and it's completely understandable and he's beating himself up about it pointlessly. Look at it another way, and you've got the justification Raito had for killing the FBI agents and L. And the last thing Ide wants to consider right now is sympathy with Raito. This is so _stupid. _It isn't that he always used to believe himself a hero. It isn't that he's frightened that there'll be a reckoning somewhere down the line. It isn't even, really, that he's disturbed by the use of something from the shinigami world, or of the dangers of getting involved with those beings. It's just that - he can claim to himself all he wants that it was self-defense, that he had to do it, that he saved his own life and that of six other people, but there'll always be that doubt. That maybe he did just kill someone because it was easiest. And he's so _tired _of doubting. He wants things to be certain again.

"Ide -" Matsuda has clutched at his arm; he's pale but he says, determined, "Listen, I don't - I don't care, okay? I'm glad you did it."

It's horrible that Ide is actually _grateful _to hear that, actually feels relieved for a second. _Oh, that makes it all right, then. _"Matsuda -"

"No, _listen. _When we got split up..." Matsuda takes a deep, shaky breath. "A bunch of them caught up with me and I got it then. I mean, that they were just going to - to beat me to death, they were just going to keep hitting me with stuff until I stopped moving." His voice is still quiet but he's staring fiercely at the floor and his fingers are digging into Ide's wrist. "So... okay, if you hadn't done what you did they'd have found me earlier, before the police got there and scared them off. And..." His voice cracks a little. "You know, you think _oh, well, I'd have blacked out really quickly, _but you _don't, _not always. So I'm glad, okay? That guy was... was stupid. You can't just go along being stupid and expect people to give you a break."

They stare at each other, and Ide thinks that probably, everyone else is as shaken up as him. Everyone else - maybe even Aizawa - feels like suddenly there's nothing to hold on to. And that's that. They have to live with it.

"I don't want to talk about it," he says. "I just thought you should know, seeing as everyone else does."

Matsuda bites his lip, but he nods, and his grip on Ide's arm relaxes. It doesn't let go completely. And Ide notices that and at the same time he realises he's still holding the other man's shoulders, and the skin is warm under his palms. Oh, yes, he was going to try and go back to normal. He was going to put all of his behaviour this last week down to stress. Because he had convinced himself it might disprove all the things he's found out about himself.

God, like he thinks that the two of them should be involved because they're both murderers. What the hell is wrong with him"You don't -" he says, and moves his hands away and then feels stupid, like he's making a big deal of not touching Matsuda. "You don't have to -"

Matsuda doesn't say anything like _well, who else would want either of us now_ or _we have far too much in common_ or _can't you ever be romantic_. He just says, "It's... it's okay." As if this time, Ide's the one looking for comfort.

And he leans up and Ide finds himself lowering his head and the kiss just feels right, like, what else are they supposed to do. Perhaps it's just - still - two people seeking comfort against the knowledge that the world is uncertain and unpleasant, that there aren't many good men and there definitely aren't any heroes, but that doesn't matter. On the scale of things, it's a comparatively minor crime.?

ooo

Gevanni feels like he's done nothing but sleep since he left the hospital, but even so, he finds himself leaning against the train window and his eyes growing heavy. Still, he's got a lot of rest to catch up on. Even after the paramedics found him at NHN and to everyone's surprise he was still alive, he still felt like he was hyped up on caffeine and adrenaline, waiting for the next twist in the case. Even after they'd shot him full of painkillers, he still felt awake underneath.

And besides, there's something soporific about the way the outside world flows past when you're on a train, buildings and trees and raindrops and telephone wires blurring together into a soup. Odd how different it is from the road scrolling in front of you when you're driving. Not least because you _can _just shut your eyes and block it all out.

That leads on quite obviously to Mikami, to the memory of him saying _you need to sleep, _watching Gevanni warily as if he didn't want to be rude but he just didn't quite have faith in him not to kill them both. Gevanni has been letting these memories bob to the surface when they do show up. He hasn't got the strength to shove them down again, after all. And he's not sure he's really got the strength to get plunged into misery. In his mind he feels like you do when you've been having a shouting match with someone and now it's blown over, now you're coming to sit next to them on the couch and both of you are tired and red-eyed but there isn't any anger any more. Everything is quiet and still and, bizarrely, fresh and new, as if you had a layer of skin burnt off but what's underneath is soft and unmarked.

Which is similes within similes. And also isn't accurate, which he ought to know, considering that he's been sharing a building with Mello and his burn scars the past week. Mello seems similarly drained; quiet, sleepy, muffled by the dressings on his wounds. He spends a lot of time wandering round the rooms, or through the computer systems. Sometimes it's obvious he's learning how his rival organised things; other times - like the way he lines up things like an Action Man's helmet, a stray dart, two broken matches - Gevanni dares to wonder if it's his own way of mourning. Of course, he doesn't wonder this out loud.

_You need to go to Kyoto, _Mello said, abruptly, this morning. And then, when Gevanni didn't immediately grasp why: _you need to search Mikami's apartment. They'll be clearing it out, and I don't want them finding more pages or something. _

Gevanni blurted out _why me? _before he could think, and Mello swung round on the chair and gave him a hard, blank stare that was eerily similar to how Near looked. But all he said was, _you knew him best. You'll know what to look for._

That's all anyone has said about Mikami and what happened to him. Gevanni finds himself looking back, sometimes, on the events - the call to Takada, the dash to Mikami's hotel room - with a completely detached perspective, like it was a weird dream, or a vivid movie. He was feeling things a lot, then. It was, presumably, the midst of the metaphorical shouting match.

It's raining in Kyoto, too, and Gevanni remembers following Mikami through the rain. A black-suited, umbrella'd figure in the midst of so many others. _No relatives, _Mello said. He didn't say, _you really were his only friend after all. _He didn't mention gods, either. This feels like - not coming home, perhaps, but coming back to, say, your old high school. A familiar place but not one where you ever felt _comfortable. _A familiar road, wet shiny paving slabs, a bridge in the far distance, the apartment block reflecting back the grey skies. Only this time Gevanni doesn't stop at the end of the street, watch a lone dark figure disappear into the glass-and-steel building. He goes on, and in, alone.

The foyer is still. Shiny grey-green floor; grey-green walls, too, everything washed-out in the rainy light from the door. It's very quiet. This obviously isn't the kind of apartment block where people leave bikes in the hallway or vomit on the stairs. Gevanni's been in nice buildings before - his place back home is hardly a rat hole, though it's not like he can remember it vividly at this point - but he still can't quite imagine living in a place like this. Not after all the property damage and jail cells and abandoned buildings of the past week. He thinks of Mikami begging to go home. It's hard to imagine the man standing in this foyer as Gevanni knew him. Blood-covered and zealous and - _frightened, _his mind fills in, _lonely. _

The apartment itself seems even quieter. Shiny walls, shiny floor, and no colour anywhere, everything black and white. Gevanni keeps seeing his faint reflection and looking round, trying to spot it moving without him. He'd been prepared to spend a long time here searching, but there's barely any evidence anyone lives - lived - here at all. There's nothing on any surface except, now, a thin layer of dust. There isn't even anything left by the sink from Mikami's last meal here - everything was dried and put away, and when Gevanni looks he can see that plates and saucepans and glasses are lined up exactly in the centre of each cupboard. There are still clothes in the wardrobe, of course, but only the minimal amount someone working a white-collar job would need. Even the bed doesn't show any sign of having been slept in; neatly made, the covers folded down, the pillow smooth and undented. The bedroom window stretches from floor to ceiling. Gevanni squints out between two of the slats of the blind, looks down at the traffic and pedestrians below. Everyone looks comfortingly far away. Far away and behind glass.

He starts to search, after that. For the most part, it's easy. He can look for small details, things that don't quite join up. He can focus on searching without leaving any marks, without making it obvious to the next person here that Mikami had something to hide. He only stumbles a bit with the clothes - checking the pockets and hems and linings - because clothes are different, you can smell that they've been worn and washed and worn again, and because all at once he remembers helping his mother pack up Louise's stuff after she was sentenced. Louise liked - had liked bright colours, unusual styles, had enjoyed collecting jewellery and shoes and scarves and of course Stephen recognised a bunch of the things because he'd given them to her or seen her receiving them from someone else. At first him and Mom had tried to fold things up, pack them neatly into trash bags, but by the end of it they were both just shoving stuff in, both trying not to give away how much they hated doing this. Louise had said to them not to bother keeping all the stuff. _I have too many clothes anyway, _she said, and she'd forced a smile for their benefit. _It'll be good for me to have to start again. _Mom kept saying to him pointedly, like Louise was there to listen, how sad it was that this or that lovely outfit was being ditched. _This is practically vintage, she'll never get hold of it again. _Or _I remember when I bought this with her. We searched all afternoon, and she said she was so happy to have tracked down a top that matched the skirt. _Considering Mom always used to tell Louise she had too many clothes, Stephen suspected what was really bothering her was the tacit acknowledgement that her daughter wouldn't be around to care about the loss of her possessions, not for a hell of a long time. Or perhaps it was just to underline the fact that she _wasn't _dead, that they were taking her stuff to the charity shop for a different reason.

It's important to remember that that reason was nothing to do with Kira.

Of course now, now the clear-out will be long over. _Got out of that one, didn't you. Nice work. _They'll have worked through the disposal of possessions, the informing of the relatives, the memorial service, the flowers, or not flowers but donations. _And, what, you'll walk back in now they've tidied all of her away? Like you were waiting til all the difficult stuff was finished? _Of course it will never be like that. With your family, every object links back to something, to someone.

But why is he caring about it? He's been pretending if he hides out in hotel rooms or buildings filled with computers and toys or apartments as empty of weakness as this one then it won't matter, that it won't hurt. He was thinking if he kept everything as neat and ordered as he could, that he could bypass all the messy stuff waiting for him back home. And so fate took both him and Mikami and flung them into chaos, just to make a point.

He finishes up in the bedroom and then he's opening another door into pitch darkness. A lightswitch at his hand and then, suddenly, bright white glow as halogen lights all round the room burst into life. They glare on glass and behind the glass he can just see rows and rows of books.

"Okay, so not such an easy job, then." His voice echoes a little as he walks down between the shelves. His shadow sprawls out around him, crisp and sharp. This room is as efficient as all the others, but... more brutally so. He tells himself not to be stupid. This is just Mikami's idea of luxury; space for loads of books, all protected from dust, and light bright enough you could always read or work by it. This is an indulgence, where others might have a seventy-two-inch TV or a pool table. His footsteps echo off the walls, as though someone behind the glass is walking in step with him. The light is brightest around the desk at the end. He stops, stands there, and looks up and sees his reflection in the glass in front of him. The colour's been sucked out of his face, he matches the scene behind him. He's going to start searching the desk and then (oh, god) all the books, in just a minute, but as he looks at himself he tries again to imagine the Mikami he knew living here. Oh, the man he followed, sure, it's easy to superimpose him onto this scene, but for the guy he talked to while they drove, the person he begged to help him? It all seems so reductive. Such a cliche, to put him in a place like this.

He takes one last look at his reflection. In the glass he looks normal; a little tired, maybe, a little thin, one leg slightly stiff as he walks, but still more or less the same guy he's been throughout all of this. But as he turns away - and later, when he's finally leaving the apartment, switching off the white lights and then relocking the door - he can't help feeling that, finally, he's leaving something behind amongst all the glass.

ooo

Even though it hasn't been their headquarters for weeks, Mogi still feels an unpleasant jolt of recognition every time he approaches Raito's apartment. He suggested, at one point, that Misa might like to find a place somewhere else, without all the memories, but she was in one of her frighteningly intense days and just stared at him, pale-faced, eyes glittering, and said, _I'm not leaving, do you hear? Not now, not ever, _as appalled as if he'd suggested abandoning a fiance who was still alive.

It's growing dark outside, but the air is almost warm and smells of damp earth. Mogi pulls his coat more closely round him anyway as he steps out of the darkness and into the same old hallway. He knows - he looked - that the mailslot and the doorbell for Misa's apartment still list _Yagami. _He hasn't even bothered suggesting to Misa that she get that altered. Sometimes she seems even to find it amusing - a special treat - when mail is delivered that's addressed to Raito. She piles up the letters as if at some point he'll be leafing through them. _It's mainly just junk, _she said, _but I don't like throwing any of it out, what if it's important?_

He should probably be calling her on remarks like that. Bringing her back to reality. But they're both so tired, and they both try so hard not to make the big mistakes that a few little ones are bound to slip through the net.

He was all set to let things be - to ensure that someone (who?) was taking care of her, helping her through her bereavement, and then carefully step out out of her life - until on the day he was meant to go and collect Ide from hospital he found her curled up on the floor crying and surrounded by empty packets of painkillers. She was sick as well, of course, but that distracted her enough that she didn't realise he was calling an ambulance until he'd done it. Then she screamed at him that how dare he, that she hated him for always trying to keep her from Raito, that he should get out of her life, and he - more frightened than anything else - came back at her with, _I didn't keep you from Raito. He chose to stay away._

She yelled at him again and again to shut up, that Raito loved her, and he, appalled now at what he'd said to her while she was in the midst of a _suicide attempt_, kept quiet and waited for the ambulance. Once they were at hospital she cried again, but quietly, hopelessly - she was scared, she said, they would put a tube down her throat and it would hurt and she didn't mean to, she'd only wanted to say sorry - and she clutched at his hand like once again he was just her fake bodyguard. He found himself wondering if it was a conscious choice, an act to make him pity her, but then he realised he should know by now that she's capable of putting on an act and meaning it at the same time.

Since then, she's slipped in and out of different ways of mourning. Rituals with candles and clothes that make her look like a china doll. Little jokes about things like how frustrating it is that Raito still has half the wardrobe space when she has so many more clothes. Or letting her hair become lank and unwashed, dressing in grubby clothes or not getting out of her nightdress, and, on at least one occasion, nursing an entire bottle of wine and falling asleep on the floor. He's thought, at times, that he's only making things worse, or that she thinks he is only hanging around because he hopes to catch her on the rebound. He doesn't know how to tell her it's not like that. Surely even bringing it up will come across like a hint.

But he's here again tonight, waiting for her to open the door. Aizawa gave him a look of mingled disgust and bafflement when he found out where Mogi was going. _She's always been obsessed with Raito. Don't tell me you think you're going to... _

_Of course I don't. But someone needs to look after her. Her sister..._

Her sister was dead, had died in her sleep from a heart attack the night Misa must have reunited with Raito. Mogi can work out what must have happened. He actually thought, when he first heard, that Raito would never have seen Fuyumi's face, that someone else would have had to write down her name. Raito, of course, would have been convinced that she had heard too much, and had sheltered an enemy of Kira into the bargain, and didn't Misa always want what Raito did? But when he told her the news she turned white and then she curled up with her knees to her chest and he saw her crying silently when he got up to make some more tea. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, snapped that she didn't know why she was being so stupid. _I hated her, remember? _

And she could easily have shown a photograph to Raito during their life together.

_She's got no family left, _he said to Aizawa, _and who else is going to? Sachiko Yagami is worried enough as it is. _Sachiko has asked after Misa, but distractedly, clearly still devastated by her son's death and by the horrific circumstances of it. Mogi doesn't know whether she actually watched the entire broadcast. He really hopes that she didn't, and he has no idea what he would say if he found out she had.

_Besides, _he said, _Misa went with Raito to NHN. His mother will ask about that sooner or later, and Misa's... not well enough to deal with it._

The truth of what happened has hurt Misa enough. Mogi has no intention of the hurt being passed on to Sachiko.

Aizawa scowled. _I hope to god you know what you're getting into. _And Mogi wanted to say that he wasn't sure he did, that this is by no means a happy-ever-after, that he's scared sometimes that she will self-destruct right in front of him and he'll only make things worse but he can't stop visiting her because he doesn't know what else a good person would do. He didn't say any of that, of course, and Aizawa demanded _how can you even look her in the face after what she did? I bet she doesn't even think she's done anything wrong._

Mogi does think about that, sometimes, but then he usually tries not to, because there isn't any point. She is how she is. He could cut her out of his life and stop spending his time with someone who has killed at least eight people and is never going to understand why that was a bad thing. But like he said, hurting her to make himself feel morally superior won't get them anywhere.

He didn't say any of this either, but Aizawa determinedly changed the subject after that. He does that a lot, with all three of them, clearly making an effort to rein in any residual fury he might be feeling. As if he owes them loyalty after all that's happened, no matter how he actually feels about it.

But now the door has swung open, and Misa is standing there, managing a wan smile.

"How are you?" Mogi asks.

She shrugs, rolls her eyes a little as if to say _you know how it is. _

As they walk inside, she is glancing out of the window, commenting on how bright the moon is, how she always felt extra specially romantic when the moonlight was clear because of the characters Raito wrote his name with. Her voice is high and shaky and sounds terribly lost in the silent apartment. And even now, when Mogi walks in, part of him expects to see computer screens, the rest of the task force clustered round the coffee table, and Chief Yagami and Raito on the far side by the window. Misa doesn't put the light on right away; she's pushed the blind back, maybe perched on the windowsill to watch the night. But when Mogi goes to make her some tea, she asks him to switch on the lights, and he notices that the pile of letters for Raito has disappeared.

THE END

(A/N: Thank you very much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are always appreciated if you feel able, but thank you for reading either way!)


End file.
